Original subtitles

Previously on Call Me Fitz.

Someone stole the fucking baby

Our future is at stake here.

The key to the fuckin' Fitzpatrick legacy

We will get our rightful heir

and son of a Fitz back.

I'm talking about the dealership.

Who would want to take a kid?

Well most kidnappings are perpetrated by

somebody known to the victim.

Ahoy hoy gentlemen.

You were always obsessed with that kid.

Give me my son.

Ali Devon?

[zapping]

How about we focus on finding the

lost baby.

Lost baby?

You want to know why everyone abandons

you Fitz?

Because you deserve it.

Someone on this strip is trying to

fuck our dealership.

This means war.

Some guy, he hired me to loan you that cash.

Who motherfucker?

Give me back my kid!

It's ok honey.

Mommy's here.

Nooooooooooooooo!

Welcome.

I'm Pat Childs, CEO of Childs Corp,

but you may know me better for

Fpood.

The nutrient system that revolutionized third world

sanitation issues.

Or equally important--

my work with the environment.

Plasti-bergs - the synthetic iceberg alternative

that's saving polar bears from extinction.

Now what do these two things have in common?

No, that isn't nothing.

It's an O.

Ohhhhh.

Now some people think the O is a symbol for zero,

but to our ancient elders, it meant infinity.

Ahhhhhhh

And infinite possibilities are exactly where the O

will bring us.

The O-Mobile won't just transcend the need

for the traditional single-engine vehicle -

it will bring us into a whole new way of being.

Cars are the past.

The future is O-Mo.

And I find when I'm looking for tomorrow -

[gunshot]

There's your tomorrow, motherfucker.

[♪ ♪]

♪ Without you I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you I'd'a won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you Oh life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪

♪ With out you

♪ Without youuu

♪ Without you.

We found him on the side of a road.

If someone hadn't been smart enough

to put some dog tags on

the little Tumbleweed,

we'd have had no idea who to call.

That was me!

Oh hi

I will never forgive you

for this.

That's what you said when I

killed your mother.

Go after her, Richard.

Get stuffed.

Losing that little shit-vendor is

the best thing that's happened

to me in months.

Adversity is the sister of optimism.

And the harbinger for change.

Hi, you're the plastic iceberg fellow, right?

I'm Larry.

Really big fan.

Pat Childs.

You have a very moist energy.

That's great.

Thank you so much.

Greetings.

I don't give a crap who you are.

That little shitter came in here

with $7-K.

Where's my fucking money?

I just had it laundered,

Mr. Fitzpatrick.

I knew you were mob.

No, literally.

Laundered.

We found it in the poor child's diaper.

I thought it best to give you an

extra thousand for his education.

Children are our future.

You know what I admire,

Mr. Fitzpatrick?

Your tenacity.

I'd like to invest in that emotion

and watch you pay it forward

in a big way.

So, bullshit.

That's your angle.

My angle is the apex of a prism

turning white light into rainbows.

Do you know what I mean?

Follow me.

[♪ ♪]

Low five!

[♪ ♪]

Ali?

[♪ ♪]

Welcome to my inspiration cave.

Nice soundtrack!

Oooh, is that one of those new

ergonomic standing desks?

Our employees' spinal health

is our spinal health here

at O-Mo.

What the fuck is she doing here?

I see you've met my daughter, Paula.

This nice lady clearly needs a car

but seems to think she doesn't

Dodge Caravan right?

Good memory.

Wait, if you're his daughter,

why were you buying a car from me?

You sent her to fuck me over.

You mistake my intentions.

Paula was researching the

buying process.

I don't sell cars.

I sell socialization acceleration mobilitators.

Go teabag someone else, granola.

I am so sorry.

Richard can be a little--

What's the word...

Oh. Richard.

[♪ jazz on the radio ]

Bathroom's occupied, turnip-dick.

Oooh, that is just all kinds of dirty.

You want dirty?

I'll show you dirty.

Look at the mildew in that grout.

[♪ ♪]

What the fuck is this?

Cash to buy back the dealership.

Childs even threw in an extra grand

for my "trouble."

What a mark.

Pat Childs gave you this money?

He returned it, technically.

We're not taking a dime from that

ass-cracker.

But it's our dime.

Richard, I know you don't want to

talk about...

Then don't talk about it,

cock-sock!

Your father's strange behaviour,

but I couldn't help but wonder why

he wouldn't take the money,

and I think I have an answer.

Dementia?

Loneliness.

Yeah, he didn't want you to get the

dealership back just you on your own;

he wanted to do it together.

Fishing trip!

Ya, it's the perfect activity

to rebuild your lean mean selling

machine and get to the bottom of

your father's problems.

The O-Mo.

It's not just your personal mobility device,

There's his fucking problem.

Pat Childs.

Drop off your used gas guzzler at any

O-Mobile dealership and we'll give you

50 percent off a brand new

post-car product.

Never drive used again.

I'll drown that fuck in his

patchouli juice.

Ok ok ok ok ok ok.

Come on baby, gimme some sugar.

No. No! Because.

Because he freaks me out, okay?

I caught him watching me

sleeping once.

It's called joint custody, Saul.

He's your son too.

Fine.

I will take Justin this afternoon,

but you have to take him at

Christmas, okay?

I'm trying for one of those free

cruises to Buffalo.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Okay, goodbye.

[sigh]

Come on, come on, come on.

[bigger sigh]

I'm not going to ask you what's wrong

because I know what's wrong.

You're an asshole.

YEAH! HA HA HA!

Look at you two.

Bonding.

All these years I never realized

he was snorkeling dick.

Josh isn't gay.

He just saw my tits.

Believe me.

Gay as a tangerine on a

badminton court.

Mommy, there comes a time in

every woman's life when she has to

accept the fact that all the saline

in the world can't fix gravity.

[vacuum]

I could bang that piece before he

even took a look at your

cottage cheese ass.

You want to put cash on that?

Fifty.

Thirty-to-one odds.

Sixty.

And I'll give you sixty-to-one odds.

You're on.

Oh we're on.

[♪ ♪]

It's my favorite chore.

[♪ ♪]

You watch Richard.

Pat Childs will be no match for

Father and Son working together.

What the fuck do you want?!

I believe in you, Richard,

and your ability to get to the bottom

of your father's latent feelings

of paternal angst.

This isn't about feelings,

pube-knitter.

It's about selling cars.

Relax.

I got this.

So, you shit--

Ken.

Here's what I.

I was thinking--

What do you think about--

You gonna pull the cock out of your

mouth anytime soon?

Fu - Fu - Gah - Fuck!

Retard's rubbing off on you huh?

For your information I am

rubbing off all over him.

Look, what Richard is trying to say is

he'd like to spend more time with you.

Why would I want to do that?

Because fuck you!

All you've ever done is fuck me!

I fucked you?!

You love each other!

And you're working out of a trailer!

Private conversation, Larry.

You don't even have the balls to

ask for my help, do you?

You're the one who needs my help,

liver spots.

[♪ ♪]

You know, every time I look at you,

I wish your mother hadn't gotten so

bored with anal.

And my work here is done.

[♪ Dance Music ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um. Oh. What?

Again.

Getting saucy

Nasty.

Uhhhh ya, oooooh my,

Huh huh what?

Um um deal with it.

Crowd's going wild.

Uh uh boom!

Somebody just got defecated.

You mean dominated.

I mean shut up and dance.

Did you even graduate high school?

Ha ha ha ya.

High school.

Of course I did--

Hey, Meghan.

Wanna play?

Oh, ya I do, I want to play.

Mom, why do you have to come on

to ALL my friends?

Um, Josh is my friend too.

In fact, he's my friend first.

Yeah.

So in fact, we went to

high school together.

So Meghan, did I graduate?

[laughs]

Fuck no.

You couldn't concentrate

on anything.

Right Joshy, like right now?

I'm a woman of deep intelligence.

You go girl.

And even deeper sexual powers.

See, pooh-bear, it's out of my hands.

Round 2, hipster!

[♪ ♪]

Yes, uh huh.

[♪ ♪]

Okay, I'm bleeding.

[♪ ♪]

It's about time you got your semen-infested

asses in gear to take down Childs.

After what that fucker did.

Do you and Mr. Childs know

each other?

Of course not, stillborn.

Remember what I use to always say to

you and retard when you were kids?

If the shoe looks clean they're

probably sticking it somewhere dirty?

Exactly.

I'll bet that fucker's sticking

acorns up his ass and letting the

squirrels go to town.

But why would you-- oh.

Even his name is twisted.

Pat. Childs.

I'll bet he does.

[♪ ♪]

You thinking what I'm thinking?

The Polanski.

A scam so bulletproof even a

pint-sized Polack with a dick the

size of a French fry couldn't

wiggle his way out of it.

All we need is a hotel room--

Some scratch--

A kid--

And Larry.

What's a Polanski?

Uh, it's a lake up north, dickweed.

So you are going on the fishing trip?

Ya.

We're gonna land a big one.

[laughter]

[panting]

So, I may have made some huge mistakes

in my life-

but that doesn't mean we can't make

something good.

I mean just look at you,

you just came right out of me,

didn't ya.

See, I told you?

Well I knew you would want to see him.

Who?

Your child.

Oh yeah, right.

Can I use it?

I mean, can I hang out with him?

Use?

I miss the little homo's smile.

Okay, what do you want to

use him for, Fitz?

For collateral?

Cover?

Hey, he needs to learn the

family business if he wants to

stay in diapers.

You are unbelievable.

C'mon, it'll take a couple hours.

Tops.

Think of it as bonding time.

Oh the doctor is right,

your Mommy has got to take her pills,

she does.

And then she needs to get a haircut,

and a personal trainer, a job

and a restraining order against

your daddy.

Hey! Don't you want me to provide

for our child?

Where are you going?

Fuck.

I got a kid.

Who the fuck is that?

That's your niece, fucknuts.

What's-her-name, Justine!

Like I've been telling you for

ten years, Gramps, it's Justin.

Like I've been telling you,

men don't wear makeup.

Meghan's kid?

You two aren't trying to pull

another Polanski, are you?

He's a little old, Isn't he?

Fourteen is statutory.

And I want my cut.

They grow up so fast.

I'll see you at the motel.

Mommy, I think we both know I've got

this Josh thing in the bag.

so why don't you just give me $5-K

and we'll call it even.

Justin told me you struck out.

Oh fucking Josh!

I don't know what's wrong with him?

I'm pretty, right Mommy?

Don't you think I'm pretty?

Let's ask the Vodka.

Real men think I'm pretty.

Remember that hot boyfriend I had,

before I got fired from my first job?

You mean the hustler?

Ya, I had to hire him to keep you

quiet while we ripped off the

Indian joint.

Oh yeah.

Remember Raj?

We used to play hide the samosa

and then he'd give me free water.

I used to call him the Raj Mahal.

[laughs]

And then we got him deported.

Good times.

Ya. Raj would never care about a

stupid chore wheel.

Fucking Josh.

Oh. Why are we in a motel?

I told you, ass-jam.

You're babysitting while we're

at the lake.

Pat Childs might stop by later

to pick this up.

Ok.

You can use twenty of it to order

a pizza but no pay-per-view.

Cheap fucks.

Two generations of Fitzpatrick men

together at last.

Hey, don't you think we should

make it three?

Justin and I would be honored

to accompany you.

Larry, think of this as your

time to shine.

You get to be a positive influence

on young Justin here while

me and my old man-- bond.

Oh.

Okay, well that's a good point.

We'll have fun!

Make sure you keep Childs in the room

for as long as you can when you

give him the envelope.

Sure! Why?

Because suck my hemorrhoids,

that's why.

They think they're going on a

fishing trip.

but really they're going on a

journey of emotional growth.

Operation Hook, Line and Sinker,

initiate!

Tick-tock old man, let's go.

[strange whistling]

Fellows denizens.

Here to hang with my main man,

Pat Childs?

You're friends with Childs?

Pat Childs is friend to all.

He can command our thought-shapes.

You go ahead.

I'll wait here.

What the fuck's wrong with you?

The "Fuck" is Pat Childs.

You should be frightened, sir.

Pat Childs is no ordinary alien.

Go.

I'll deal with bonk-nuts.

If you're going to transmit to me

like that, Mr. Childs won't

confirm your protein injection.

Get away from me you fucking degenerate!

[strange whistling]

Spare some change for a brother?

If it's change you're after,

let it be your opinion of our

magnanimous alien overlord.

Father?

I'm sorry.

Making music with my child.

who also happens to be my right hand woman.

It's like we're having a conversation

with eternity.

Well, lookie here.

Richard Fitzpatrick!

Welcome.

We're taking a short imagination siesta.

Would you care to pull up a laptop?

Lay down some breeze?

I've got a flute here that's just

begging for your lips.

Of course you do.

What can we do you for?

Actually I've got a proposition.

A guy I know's got a line on some

cheap port-a-potties.

I thought you could use them for your

African child fertilizer project.

Wonderful, wonderful.

We only have so that we can give

right, Richard?

Sure.

Unfortunately, we already have an

infrastructure provider for Fpood.

Oh.

Are yours -

stained?

Do you mean sustainable?

Yes.

Well the cost was prohibitive.

Still, each journey begins with a

single step.

Right.

Well mine are totally sustainable.

And they're manufactured by -

orphans.

Carbon savings and opportunities

for children?

This is my bliss.

Me too.

This could be a very fortuitous

marketing juncture.

Seven p.m. at the DelRoy Motel.

Room three-twelve.

Unbelievable.

What a bitch.

You know she was queen of the rainbow kiss

party in third grade and she has

the nerve to call me slutydactyl rex?

Well there's no need for the 'S' word.

though this girl does sound like

quite a negative Nancy.

And what do we do with negative Nancies?

Kick them in the box?

Justin, when was the last time you

talked to anybody, you know,

about your feelings?

Probably the last time I saw you.

You're the only one who listens to me.

Can I call you Daddy?

Of course you can.

Oh come here, come here, Justin.

Remember that I'll always be there

for you.

No matter what.

Whoops.

I think you forgot your Game Boy

in your pants there little buddy.

Nobody uses Game Boys anymore, Larry.

Also, that's my cock.

Ooh, ugh, oh.

Oh no.

Joshy. Josh.

Ya?

Let's try those sixty watt bulbs,

sugar, so mamma can get a better look.

Ok. Oh and ah, thanks again for the

- rubber pants, Mrs. - F!

They're good for chores.

Super easy to clean.

What should we make him do next, Mommy?

Oh I know!

one of those fish pedicures.

Bottoms up.

Oh. This is exactly what I imagined

all the times I imagined us spending

time together when I was a kid

but we never did because you were

drunk, or off having an affair or

just ignoring me.

I was ignoring you because I was drunk

and having affairs.

[laughs]

You're so funny, Mommy.

See we can bond.

It doesn't have to be all competitive-like.

Not that it would have been a

fair fight, but.

What should I write next?

I got this one.

Oh, OK, sure.

I'll just get a better look.

Justin, sometimes when a boy flower

has extra special feelings for

another boy flower, he starts to--

Suck him off?

Well, usually he begins by telling

him how he feels, you know--

writing him a nice poem.

sending a box of chocolates.

You're even retardeder than my

mother said you were.

Ah ah... more retarded.

Exactly.

Look, peaches.

I'm not in this for the lulz.

You're creepy, and that gets my

fourteen-year-old mouth wet.

But if you're not going to let me

go down on you, it's time for you

to give me the money you're going to use

to frame Pat Childs.

Frame Pat Childs?

No one's framing anybody here, mister!

Sometimes, Larry, when a man and

another man decide they want to

fuck over a third man, they put him

in a motel room with a minor,

a pimp, a big wad of cash and then

call the cops.

I don't understand.

My uncle and grandfather are

using you to set up Pat Childs on

pedophilia charges.

The Polanski, fuck-nut.

No no no, Ken and Richard are

on a journey of self-discovery.

They wouldn't set me up.

And I'm the kind of kid who doesn't

pack a nanny cam.

Oh...

Oh Justin.

Give me the money or you'll be the

one going downtown.

[knocking]

Room 312. Yeah.

[police scanner] Ten-fifty-four at

Victory Park.

Unit two, respond.

Any minute now.

This is the best night of my life.

And it's 50 percent thanks to you.

You're welcome.

Wait, did you just thank me?

Shut your pie hole.

That tard-tower was right.

You are acting like a teenage girl.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I just paid you a compliment, nut-bag.

Can I help being pleased that my

fuck-up of a son did something right

for once in his life?

Or that we're about to be number one

on the strip again?

Then I guess you're welcome.

[police scanner] ...a honey cruller

and a double double?

[bike bell]

Fuck!

Oh hey guys,

did you catch any trout?

No, you didn't.

Why?

Because you didn't go on

a fishing trip.

What the fuck?

You're supposed to be halfway to

lockup by now!

Larry explained your plan.

My sympathies, Ken.

Selling an outdated product really has

messed with your moral karma.

Don't worry.

When you fail, there will always

be a place for you at O-Mobile.

And you as well, Richard.

[sirens]

Tell it to the cops, tree fluffer.

Oh, those sirens aren't for me.

I called them.

Using a minor to frame a

family member for pedophilia is a

federal offense.

[sirens]

Oh yeah baby!

Mommy?

We're late for our

two-for-one Brazilians.

The guy's here.

He's oriental.

[gasping for breath]

Thanks, Joshy.

Anytime, Mrs. F.

Nobody's going to be able to clean

that mess up.

I just had so much sex with your mom.

Mommy, how did you--

Age trumps idiot, baby.

Pay up.

[♪ ♪]

Just shut up and get in

Fitzpatrick.

Well, despite this calamitous

turn of events, at least we got to

the bottom of Ken's strange behaviour.

Family always brings out

the demons.

Yeah, what the fuck was Childs talking

about back there?

That family shit?

Oh. Mr. Childs told me that he's

Ken's long-lost brother,

so that explains why he's

been acting so strangely.

Our mortal fucking enemy is your brother?

What?

Was that relevant?

Fuck.