Original subtitles

♪

FITZ, NARRATING: The way you live says a lot

about the way you're going to die.

Come on! Give me my fucking soda, you asshole!

Bottom line is this, kids.

[Screaming]

Some people just get what they deserve.

Give me my fucking soda, you stupid asshole machine!

Then there are the schmucks

who never should have existed in the first place.

Richard, thank God I found you.

I have identified your shadowy assassin.

Be gone.

Other people die exactly as you'd expect them to.

♪

[Elaine gasping]

Then there's the cockroaches,

the stubborn fucks who just keep on ticking...

[Crash]

No matter what.

But the best death of all,

the bonus kill,

the one that comes with a cash fucking reward.

DOCTOR: I'm sorry.

There wasn't a thing we could do for your father.

[Laughing]

Yeah!

Good news.

Your father's going to be fine.

Fuck.

♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'd find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I'd have won by a mile

♪ Without you

♪ Oh, life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

♪ Without you...

♪ Without you

You forgot to put an emergency contact

on Ken Fitzpatrick's admission form.

Are you family?

And who wants to know?

I'm his daughter, Meghan Fitzpatrick.

Are you're willing to act as liaison

with the hospital on his behalf?

Oh, how much does that pay?

It's not a job offer.

Well, it sounds like a lot of work to me.

And you want me to do it for free,

after what this family's put me through?

Forget it.

Let my degenerate brother take responsibility for once.

Yeah, I'd love to help you out, honey,

but I just called a cab.

And if you ever want a ride,

you call Uncle Fitzy.

Ring, a-ding, ding.

Ma'am, I would be more than happy

to be put down as Mr. Fitzpatrick's next of kin.

You're related?

Well, technically, yes,

as I am the living embodiment of Richard's conscience.

There--Psych Ward is on five.

Really, Larry?

Does that shit ever fly?

One day it might.

Fuck, it smells like death in here.

Well, it's the proximity of the shadowy figure.

And by my estimation, Richard, she is wearing support hose.

That's right. I found that fortune teller.

And you now what she said?

Closer than you think.

Paging Dr. Ass-tard.

Your mouth is on line one and it wants you to shut the fuck up!

Okay, you can see him now.

♪

[EKG beeping]

[EKG flat-lining]

Fuck. I'm dead.

WOMAN: No!

Oh, thank Christ.[Woman sobbing]

Hey, keep it down over there!

What is this?

Some kind of back-alley peepshow?

You waited a long time to have your cancerous testicle removed.

Now with your high blood pressure

and today's cardial infraction--

Will you fucking speak English?

Surgery or bust, sunshine.

Emergency surgery?

Isn't that dangerous for an old man?

Maybe even fatal?

DOCTOR: Yeah, there's always a risk of complications,

but tomorrow, double those odds.

FITZ: Okay.

The money the old man's got socked away, plus the pension,

minus the debt, property value...

Hah.

Your bank account's the only thing

about you that's healthy, old man.

If I die, why should you get a hot nickel?

Because I've been putting up--Yeah, what about me?

What do I get?

Both of you need to get in line.

Technically, we are still married.

Huh? What?

Maybe Mama forgot to file the papers.

And enough of this death talk, baby.

You're not going anywhere.

You're as strong as an ox.

- Especially those balls. - FITZ: Fuck.

Get your fucking hands off his balls,

- you fucking old dragon. - Excuse me, Daddy,

I did everything you said! I want my--

Excuse me, Daddy, I did everything you said.

All right, everybody! Shut the fuck up!

Tearing up the old will.

Writing a new one.

And if-- When!

If I die--

Don't worry about me, sir--

You, especially, will get squat and like it.

If I die, everything goes to the disappointment

who disappointed me the least.

That's right.

Fill in that fucking blank.

[Laughing]

I deserve that inheritance,

not Elaine, not Meghan.

Richard, call me crazy, but it's a fairly minor procedure.

In all likelihood, Ken won't even die.

Stop being so negative.

You need to concentrate on the real problem at hand here:

- your mother! - Yes, get rid of her.

Wait! Me?

Yes, you.

You're the one who keeps saying she's out to get me.

Keep an eye on her while I get back to work.

Only way I'm going to impress the old man

is to sell some cars.

Richard, we're in a hospital.

That's right, full of sickos who sure as hell

won't be driving themselves home.

It's the oldest scam in the book, Larry.

Find a geezer, low-ball him with a cash offer,

get him to sign on the dotted line

and ring, a-ding, ding.

Game on, Mom.

WOMAN, OVER PA: Dr. Flores, dial 182,

Oh, excuse me.

I've asked about a private room six times now, okay?

I don't want my father waking up next to some sick immigrant.

No offence.

Poor Daddy.

He must be so scared.

Scared about losing his money.

He always was a greedy bastard.

Except in the sack.

[Patients coughing]

Hey, if you guys got back together,

then you would just get the money,

like as a wife and a mother,

a mother who cares about her recently divorced daughter's

need for inner-thigh liposuction.

And outer thigh too.

Basically the entire thigh area.

Have I taught you nothing?

Actually, no.

Plastic surgery, expensive trips to Hawaii,

meaningless sex, that's what rich boyfriends are for.

Rupee doesn't believe in plastic surgery,

or meaningless sex,

or being rich. Fuck him!

You see, now you're using your head.

Nothing would make your father happier

than getting rid of that flaming pile of camel shit.

Okay, well, if there's one thing I'm not doing,

it's taking relationship advice from you.

You have horrible taste in men.

I mean, Daddy? Ugh.

Oh, excuse me.

Okay, I have asked-- Excuse me!

WOMAN, OVER PA: Dr. Davis, telephone, please.

Hey, you got the papers?

Yeah.

Not those papers, idiot!

The sales contracts so I can sign some new business.

Yeah, they're in the car.

Well, go fucking get them.

And whatever you do, do not tell Dot where we are.

The last thing I need is another piranha in panties

trying to oust me out of the will.

You owe me for parking.

Oh, hello.

[Sarcastically]: Hello.

Tick, tock!

I got a sweet minivan with your name all over it!

Come on! Let's do this!

My final offer. You're raping me on this, you asshole.

All right, went you turn 16, you remember, "Fitzpatrick Motors."

Uh...

Ooh.

Hm, opiates.

[Phone ringing]

Just go. Just go.

LARRY: Richard, we need to talk.

Making an effort to impress Ken is commendable but--

Just doing what I'm best at, pal.

Well, ha, ha, second best at.

Look, the situation with your mother,

it's worse than I thought.

- Always is. - Elaine is many things.

She's slim, foul-mouth, dynamite in red,

but arrested for petty theft and cheap seduction?

So she's old and losing her touch.

Or she's experiencing emotion for the first time.

And not only is she going to kill you on the Beaver Moon,

she may actually enjoy it.

Will you shut up about that fucking moon already?

You need to make amends with her.

That means not competing for Ken's money.

Competing? I've already won, motherfucker.

Best thing about the burn ward, other than the hickory aroma,

a lot of schmucks looking to unload their rides.

Don't look so smug.

This is my face.

It is.

I'm this close to getting Daddy a private room.

I'm this close to...

[Babbling sarcastically]

- Okay, you know what? - Oh, grow up, the two of you.

Stop it.

Here.

Go get Mommy some ice.

No, I will not!

That was a first.

What? What?

There were some complications.

Testicular mis-assignment.

Huh?

Well, in golfer's terms, we sunk the wrong ball.

Oh, you cross-eyed hack!

Oh, good news.

We managed to reattach it.

The bad news is,

well, we didn't exactly get to the cancer nut.

We rescheduled your dad for 6:00.

Excuse me. I need a drink.

Oh, I need a drink.

[Elaine sighing]

So this is hell?

Hey, you better make a decision, old man,

before you go under the knife again.

Who's it going to be?

Ten, five and 10 says I took this will action and then some.

Two puddings. Still working on the room.

I look hot in this skirt.

No other woman on this earth would put up with you.

Cut the crap, lady.

You're here for the cash.

How do you think these two blood-sucking

vultures learned to fly?

Well, you need me, you worthless sack of shit.

I'm on the verge of fucking death.

The only thing I need is a fresh start, a new kid.

You haven't got the nuts.

I stored some junk before the scalpel jockey had her fun.

Oh, no way I'm ruining these tits.

They're brand new.

This is real life, Elaine,

not a fucking horror movie.

I called someone else to have the kid, someone who cares.

Phone must not be working.

Oh, you're out of surgery.

Darling, aw.

[Smooching]

Mm. Oh.

Fuck me.

Baby. [Cooing]

What kind of voodoo mind shit

are you playing there, Dot Foxley?

The voodoo has been a little touch and go lately.

I think Ken actually loves me.

Ironic, huh?

You know how Ken Fitzpatrick spells "love"?

Fake jugs and a G-string full of singles.

Sorry, AA, you don't qualify.

Look who's a grumpy little stepson.

This is all a part of your plan to fuck with me, isn't it?

Ever since you arrived, a lot of people I care about

have turned up dead of missing: Dexter Laine, Sonja.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm all about the gift of life.

Here's that turkey baster you asked for.

Oh, fuck, Josh, whose side are you on?

What did I do?

Excuse me.

I have to make a withdrawal from the sperm bank.

Ah, it's you.

I see what you did there with the whole--

[Slurping]

WOMAN, OVER PA: Dr. Gomez to Emergency. Dr. Gomez to Emergency.

I'll make it up to you, okay?

I'll get you cars, trucks, motorbikes,

b-boats and just a whole lot of--

I'll be right with you.

[Panting]

LARRY: Look, I know the situation seems insurmountable.

No, the situation is mounting

a rubber kitchen utensil as we speak.

Richard, you're feeling the pang of parental rejection.

And it's perfectly natural when a new child

is introduced to the family.

Listen, Larry, a load of my old man's spunk

isn't a new child, okay?

Spunk is not your problem, mister.

Your problem is much bigger than that,

far more serious, far more evil and foul and--

[Door opening] Doh!

You stay away from Richard, because I know your game, lady.

And I am rolling snake eyes.

That means you lost, idiot.

- Does it? - What do you want?

Another shot before you fuck off with my money?

I bailed you out to get rid of that psycho,

and now I'm stuck with her forever.

It's just like you to blame me for everything.

It's little league all over again.

Little league?

Richard never went to little league, Mom,

because his games conflicted with your poker night, remember?

No.

Bar is closed.

Scram.

I know how to get rid of the skirt for real.

Just what I need, another missing woman.

I'm thinking more along the lines

of no bun without the baby batter.

Hah! What? So now you take up baking?

Little late for that, Mom.

No, you moron.

We have to get rid of Ken's sperm sample.

He said he stored it right before he went into surgery.

Because there's no way he could get it up for real.

We destroy the sample before Miss Mary Fuck-Off

puts her paws on it.

Bye-bye, new baby.

Bye-bye, Dot.

No, don't you fall for this, Richard.

It's another one of her mind games.

This is vengeful and spiteful and--

Haven't you caused enough harm in this family, lady?

Yes, she has.

Now it's time to fuck up the next generation.

♪

Oh, that's Fitz's favourite car.

MAN: Is someone there?

Is that you, God?

Yes, my son.

Is it my time?

Look into the light.

Daddy, please!

I don't want a sister or another brother or a Dot,

meanie office manager who will take what's mine

and piss all over it.

It's not fair!

Fair?

What's fair about you shacking up

with the chinks across the street

and stealing my business?

Is that why you won't put me in your will?

I need someone who's here for me.

See? Magic.

How's my little patient feeling?

Like shit. Oh.

Thanks for asking.

Dot's going to give me something I never had before,

a grateful little douchebag

who thinks the sun shines out of my ass.

Are you still standing here?

Yes, I am.

And you know why?

Because that's what I do.

When we went to Tampa in '86,

and you all forgot me at the gas station,

I stood there!

When I waited at the church for you and Dick and Elaine

to come off you individual benders on my wedding day,

I stood there.

Why?

Because I'm a Fitzpatrick, and I'm loyal to the end!

I'll take it in the ass for Team Fitzpatrick

and I'll take it hard.

I'll take it so fucking hard

without lube and without stretching because--

[Groaning]

Oh, my heavens, Mom!

[EKG flat-lining]

And I got you your private room!

[Man and woman sobbing]

[Switch clicking]

[EKG stops]

[Coughing]

I lived a long life, but not a good one.

I honestly didn't expect a private audience.

Equal-oppertunity God, dude.

Oh, Lord,

I'm sorry for being a miserable prick all my life.

Ah, you weren't that bad.

I was.

I only cared about my car.

That's why I'm here all alone.

My Sunday school teacher was right.

You can't take it with you.

[Coughing]

Well, actually, you can.

And we have valet.

Park it in the shade, Lord.

[EKG flat-lining]

[Alarm sounding]

[Gasping]

OVER PHONE: Hello, this is Ruptal, the handsome one.

Please leave a message at the tone.

Rupee, I'm sorry.

It's over.

My Daddy needs me and I need my daddy-- 's money.

Oh, fuck.

MAN: Dr. Rodriguez...

Richard, a spermicidal killing frenzy

with one's mother does not constitute making amends.

I'm not killing anything.

Sperm without an egg is a like a car without wheels.

It's here. Shh, shh, shh.

Her fangs could emerge at any moment.

Back off, ass douche!

I got this.

Oh, fuck!

Subtle.

Ugh!

The pros kick doors in.

Pussies pick logs.

Advice from a master criminal.

Jesus, you're the one who just got caught shoplifting.

- I know what I'm doing. - Do you really?

Yes, I do. Really?

Okay, would you both please stop fighting?

Oh, that's not good.

Richard!

[Baby crying]

Mrs. Curzon?

MAN, OVER PA: Dr. Cohn to Emergency.

Dr. Cohn to Emergency.

What are you doing here?

I received your message, not my cousin.

He didn't hear me break up with him?

I hate that machine.

You know I accidentally pressed "erase"

while I was singing to the heavens:

"At last the she-beast is dead!"

Thank you.

Hey, I'm not here to console you.

♪

Mom!

ELAINE: No names!

How are we supposed to know which ones to flush?

All of them?

No child left behind.

Mama's not taking any chances.

[Glass breaking]

[Grunting]

Shit.

Liquid nitrogen.

Oh, free huff.

Or the sperm bank just turned into a gas chamber.

Are you kidding me?

No.

[Knocking]

ELAINE: Hello?

Hello?

Fuck!

Where is that stretched out homo when you need him?

Maybe Larry was right about you after all.

What are you talking about?

You tricked me into helping you,

and now you're trying to gas me.

You were the one that wanted me to get rid of Dot.

Yeah, but I didn't ask you to stick around.

[Coughing]

Well, maybe I still love the bastard.

Who the fuck else has the balls to deal with me.

Oh come on, Mom. We got about five minutes left.

How about you take the truth out for a test drive for once?

All right, you want the truth?

Yeah.

I got arrested on purpose,

because I knew you'd bail me out eventually.

Fuck it, kid.

I'm lonely.

You happy?

You happy now?

No.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to lull me into trusting you.

Ritchie?

No, no, I'm not falling for it again, Mom.

Not this time.

You're the one in my nightmare.

You get out of my head.

You leave me alone.

Come on, kid.

I'm the one who's rolling snake eyes lately.

Yeah.

And that means this time you lose.

[Gasping]

♪

You're a dude.

[Gun cocking]

[Gunshot]

LARRY: Oh, thank God.

We need to talk before security comes back.

Where is she?

Richard, there's something you need to know about Elaine.

Yeah, she was actually telling the truth for once.

KEN: Shut the fuck up over there.

I'm recuperating.

Richard, please let me finish. Wait, wait.

You can't have a baby with Dot Foxley.

Why the fuck not?

Elaine may be a shrew, but in her own fucked up way,

she cares more about you than Dot Foxley ever will.

- LARRY: Richard. - It wasn't a con this time.

She got herself arrested on purpose

so she could come back to you.

That's fucking family loyalty, old man.

That's a real Fitzpatrick,

something Dot Foxley will never be!

LARRY: Elaine left.

What?

She said you told her to leave,

and then she hijacked Josh

out of a car that he just got for you.

Does it hurt

being a fuck up all the time?

Don't answer that.

Laughing makes my balls hurt-- Ball.

Pretty sure your soldiers hit the beach, hon.

No, no, no, but you destroyed all those samples.

Haven't you heard of the old-fashioned way, asshole?

No, no, of course you wouldn't.

♪

I'm so sorry, Richard.

Fuck off, Larry. Just fuck off.

LARRY: She waited until she knew you were okay.

MEGHAN: So what did I miss?

♪

Start marching, soldiers.

[Ken chuckling softly]

♪