Original subtitles

FITZ, NARRATING: Some things are timeless:

sharkskin soup, killer Sinatra,

a perfectly chilled martini, to name but a few.

Some things in this world are made to last.

They're first rate, top shelf.

You know, classic.

Let's not mince words here.

Oh, fuck, Larry.

Ugh.

I, Richard Fitzpatrick,

am worthy of the "classic" distinction.

[Knocking on door]

So blow me, prophecy of doom.

Classic shit endures.

It's indestructible.

And it needs to take a piss.

[Groaning]

Yeah, this Fitzy's meant to last.

Just like my morning woody.

♪

Grey?

Oh!

Ugh!

Oh, Richard.

[Fizzing]

FITZ: Oh, fuck, turn that down.

♪

♪ Without you

♪ I find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you

♪ Oh life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

♪ Without you...

♪ Without you

[Mouthing]

DOT: Hair dye.

Someone's feeling his age.

Age doesn't matter, unless you're a broad.

Charm and experience, that's what counts.

And I've got lots of experience, kitten.

[Clicking tongue]

Yes, and it's tragic that someone so seasoned

will never amount to anything.

Penniless, no land

for your cheesy dream lounge,

and so repellent to women

that even that doormat you called a girlfriend

has finally abandoned you.

Can we just fuck and get rid of all this tension?

Mm, ask not for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee,

Richard Fitzpatrick.

No.

Boo!

Wow.

[Exhaling strongly]

Richard, ageing is all about stress.

So I've enrolled you in a restorative yoga class.

There's an easy-does-it one at 6:00.

Can't. Last-minute plans.

Richard, you need to take this seriously.

While ageing is generally a natural process,

with your impending death date looming,

I fear that your decay has somehow sped up.

How are your gums? Any shrinkage?

Ah!

You want to know the secret to staying young?

The three Bs.

Booze, boards and a really nice suit.

Oh, Dexter Laine.

Yeah, the last man alive

who supposedly might have hung out with the Rat Pack.

Fourteen marriages, three heart attacks.

Been on the road since he was 15.

Oh, Larry, if the seats in his tour bus could talk,

they'd be saying, "Hey, look, Dexter's fucking again!"

Well, I would think, Richard,

that Dexter Laine is a little bit past that phase of his life.

Bullshit.

That bus is a rolling shrine

to the teachings of Frank and the apostles.

Oh, Richard, this is actually better

than a Sanskrit metaphysical journey of self-discovery.

Dexter Laine is what you need to keep yourself feeling young.

A positive influence for ageing gracefully.

Please, guy's got more plastic-surgery scars

than my mom's tits.

You want to know the secret to staying young?

Being rich.

In experience?

No, dip-shit.

From a celebrity endorsement.

Think about it.

Dex Laine, me, sharing the marquee

at the Summer Wind Lounge.

Investors will be lining up.

It will be money in the bank.

Isn't Dexter Laine a solo act?

Everyone needs a crew, baby.

Ah.

♪

She's obviously obsessed with me.

What? Who?

Dot, you moron.

It's a very complex sexual game we're playing.

Cat and mouse, predator and prey.

Penis and vagina.

Too bad she's already got a boyfriend, though.

What? Who? You?

Yeah, we do things.

I mean, it's not holding hands and making pipe bombs,

but it's almost as good.

Josh, one blow job does not a girlfriend make.

There's been at least two.

6:00 p.m. explosion of ageing crooner awesome!

Yeah!

Get in the car. Okay.

Not you, Josh.

It's business.

I'm business. I'm all types of business.

Yeah, I know you're all types of business.

That's why I need you here on standby.

[Scoffing]

Plan B kicks in; you're my guy.

Plan B? Yeah.

Holy shit.

Eyes on Dot. Not one word.

Not one word. Yeah.

Lips are sealed, bro.

Yeah.

Get in! Yeah!

[Slot machines clicking]

WOMAN: Oh, Mr. Laine!

MAN: Mr. Laine! Come on over!!

Thank you, baby. Thank you, darling.

Dexter loves you.

Thank you. Love you people.

Thank you.

Hey, you got those tickets I gave you? Yeah.

Richard, the fact that you are including me

in this pilgrimage to see your idol--

I am one of your pack, the Fitz Blitz, baby! Yeah! Yeah!

Man up, will you? Fuck.

Hey, where are you going?

See if we can get backstage.

Oh.

Hey, see that tall guy back there?

He tried to sell me some counterfeit tickets.

He's got some beef with Dex.

He said he was trying to cash in or something. I--

Oh, Richard.

Counterfeit tickets copying is fraud, son.

It's a funny story, actually. Think--

Ah. Think, "Spooky death prophecy meets grey pubic hair,"

and then you'll--

♪

Cousin. Cousin!

Huh?

It's time we had a talk, huh?

I am unable to go on this way.

This is not the time for guilt.

My music gives me great joy.

Hey, not the music!

Our hip and happening bachelor pad

has been desecrated by that Fitzpatrick she-devil.

Shh.

Cousin, think of the fun times we used to have, huh?

Do you remember we used to fast so long;

we'd start to hallucinate?

Those were crazy, crazy times! Yeah!

I cannot keep living that debauched life.

- What is he doing here? - I don't know.

You leave me no choice.

I invoke the Pashtun Valley ritual of--

[Speaking foreign word]

Boys' night?

Leave you alone with him?

What? So he can ship you off to some war-torn goat party

and marry you off to some 12-year-old?

I don't fucking think so!

You are absurd, and your breath, it stinks like deli meat!

[Laughing]

You do not understand.

[Foreign word] is a time-honoured

tradition amongst my people.

Please, my mirage.

And tomorrow night, you and I

will watch Sleepless in Seattle.

You know, two can play at this game.

And it's called girls' night out with tongue.

I need to be drunker.

[Applause]

DEXTER LAINE: Good night, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Dexter Laine!

EMCEE: Give it up for Dexter Laine!

[Cheering]

♪

Hey, uh, Mr. Laine, Richard Fitzpatrick.

Call me Fitz.

Fuck off, Fitz.

I hear you.

All those assholes trying to get what they want from you,

and all you want to do is unwind after your show.

All I want to do is have regular bowel movements.

And you deserve it.

And you're the man, king of the road.

What did you say your name was?

Fitz.

As long as it's not Joey Bishop.

That fucking guy could not sing for shit, and his jokes sucked.

Oh, you got that right.

You're not one of those rump thumpers, are you, Fitz?

No, just want to talk a little business.

All right, let's talk a little business on the bus.

Ring-a-ding, ding.

I don't think so.

Dex!

Fuck.

Hello, Richard.

Thanks, ass bandit.

Me? You blame this on me?

You set me up.

How else was I supposed to get backstage?

There goes my celebrity endorsement deal.

Some things are more important than deals, Richard,

like honesty, friendship,

using your limited time on this earth to do good.

You see how much shit that guy sells?

He puts his name on a fucking prune,

and ca-ching, he's shitting gold bullion.

Oh, that's like magic.

No, this is our only shot at this.

Next time he rolls through this town, we'll both be dead.

Richard, you still have your dealership.

Maybe that's legacy, enough.

Great, toxic old man, psycho office manager,

stoned mechanic who can't fix shit.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I mean, it might take him a while,

but Josh can fix pretty much anything on wheels.

Yeah, if Fitzy can't get to the bus,

the bus will come to Fitzy.

- Where are you going? - Plan B.

[Buzzing]

LARRY: I cannot believe you sabotaged that bus.

Richard, plans born of corruption can only lead

to greater corruption and anxiety-fuelled heartburn,

which leads to premature ageing,

which leads to death,

which leads us right back to square one.

Will you just close your eyes?

It will be over before you know it.

Look, Richard, I know you're anxious about achieving

your dream-lounge fantasy before you die.

Exactly, Larry.

My dream-lounge fantasy, not yours,

which means I can attain it however I want.

Hey, Josh!

Josh!

Working girls, stat!

And not the cheap ones from the mall.

The expensive ones

from the mall.

And I need you to fix this bus.

That could take weeks, though.

I'm banking on it.

Where the fuck am I?

Fitzpatrick Motors, Mr. Laine.

Richard Fitzpatrick, we met backstage.

Yeah, I meet lots of people.

I bet you do.

What did you say your name was?

- Fitz. - As long as it's not Bishop.

That fucking guy couldn't sing for shit.

And you know what they said about his jokes?

No.

They sucked.

I like your style, kid.

You're not one of those derriere dandies, are you?

No, I'm your biggest fan.

Hey, why don't you come inside for a cocktail? Relax.

I put my best man on this.

Easy.

JOSH: Hey, Kabar.

Hey, man, listen, I need a chrome engine case for a bus.

Yeah. Yeah.

Put me down for a kilo, dude.

Yeah. You said it, dude.

Borders don't cross themselves.

Okay, bye-bye.

Whoa!

Hi.

What's with the bus?

What bus?

Josh, tell me about the bus.

There's not really anything tell.

I mean, it's just an ordinary tour bus.

It's just--

[Zipper unzipping]

[Muffled]: Now tell me about the tour bus.

It's Plan B!

Fitzy's ticket out of here.

His shot at the b-b-big time.

[Moaning]

[Sighing]

I got a girlfriend.

[Woman laughing]

DEXTER: Here we are.

We're backstage at the Copa.

I'm waiting for Frank to give the nod.

I get up to take a leak.

That cocksucker Bishop took my cue.

Man's got to have a crew he can count on.

That fucking guy could not sing for shit.

And his jokes sucked.

Ah, I like you, kid.

Hey, Uncle D.,

Dex, Dex, hey, I want to talk to you about something.

Shoot.

It's a little business thing

I've been working on for a while.

Oh, stop living in the past, kid!

For chrissake!

Did I tell you about Miami?

Called the Summer Wind Lounge.

That fucking Bishop could not sign for shit.

And his jokes sucked.

They sucked! Sucked!

Ah, suck it.

Hey, hey, hey, it's a real old-school lounge.

You know, like the good old days,

like the Sands, like the Copa.

Did you see Ocean's?

Not half the vibe it could have been.

That was supposed to be my vehicle.

[Glass smacking table]

Tell me another story, Uncle D.

This fucking kid comes running backstage.

He says, "Jesus, Frank's fucking a boy!"

I said, for chrissake, it's Mia Farrow!

[Fitzy laughing]

When men were men and--

Fuck Bishop!

Fucking Bishop!

[Groaning]

You make me feel young again, kid.

Yeah, you too, buddy.

♪

[Clearing throat]

What are you doing?

Just pitching in.

Helping to repair a bus that seems to be taking

an exorbitant amount of time to fix.

I didn't know you were mechanically minded.

Oh, women are capable of many things, Larry.

Yes, yes, indeed.

Mm, Lizzie Borden, Margaret Thatcher,

both the Madonnas.

Oh, we're an integral part of the ecosystem.

We're multitaskers.

Judge, jury,

executioner.

Oh?

Did you know the female praying mantis

has cannibalistic tendencies?

- Nope. - Mm-hm.

During sex she eats the male's head as he thrusts.

You know why?

Unh-unh.

So he'll perform better.

Make the most of what sad little life

he's got left.

[Whimpering]

♪

Sonya, where the hell are you?

[Phone ringing]

The fuck?

[Ringing stops]

Really, Sonya?

Staging your own abduction not avoid girls' night?

Again?

Ugh!

[Woman laughing]

Oh, guests. Hi.

A little chilly for that.

What--?

Uh, Richard, there are a couple of gentlemen

with guns eating my Brie.

Yeah, can't be Rat Pack without mob contracts, shithead.

Mob contracts?

For the Summer Wind.

Giving Uncle D. and I a sweet deal

on plumbing and call girls.

Okay, Richard, Dot knows

that you sabotaged Dexter Laine's bus.

So? "So"?

She is dangerous.

There is a foul plan afoot.

The only plan that broad has is to nail me.

No, I would-- I would avoid that.

Mob contracts and death prophecy, my Brie.

Okay, first, shut the fuck up about the prophecy.

And second, you don't know squat about the way things work.

You think Vegas was built in a day?

The Sands, the Trop'?

- 'Icana? - Yeah.

He said, no, huh?

He hasn't said shit.

The guy can barely remember his own name.

Between the handfuls of poppers

and the same story over and over--

Fuck him! You know who! Fuck him!

LARRY: Wait, pulls?

Same stories?

How old did you say he is?

Real men don't discuss their age.

It's rude. Alzheimer's!

Richard, don't you see?

Dexter is more of a mentor than you'll ever know.

He keeps on keeping on,

even though he can't remember what he did five minutes ago.

So those aren't poppers? They're meds.

Yeah, and we need to keep him away from the alcohol.

Yeah, because that would really fuck his shit up,

impair his judgement.

Richard,

you're feeling empathy.

No, I'm not.

I'm trying to figure out

how to get him really loaded,

so he'll sign on the dotted line.

Of course you are.

[Foreign word]! Mm!

[Foreign word]! Mm.

Cousin, I can almost hear those landmines

exploding in the distance.

Yes, it is just like home.

Hey, the tribal elders might say,

"What is the problem, dude, huh?"

We are not in the old country.

I moved on.

You certainly moved on, from one thing only.

And that is me,

the one person who always tries to make you happy.

Meghan makes me happy too, just in other ways.

Oh, so many ways.

What happens, hm?

What happens when you marry your second cousin?

She has no place in your life.

Those Fitzpatricks, they are the enemy!

And deep down you know that.

[Foreign word].

Hey, Uncle D.! It's me, Fitzy!

♪

This isn't a fuck bus. It's just a rolling morgue.

Where the hell am I?

Um, at the Copa, Uncle D.

Backstage, packed house.

Henny just finished his set, and I got good news.

You got the nod.

Place of your own.

Frankie know about this?

Oh, yeah!

At first he was thinking Bishop,

but then he realized you're the man for the job.

Spotlight's all yours.

Top name on the bill.

Booze and hookers on the house.

Forget it, kid.

It's all an act.

I haven't had real booze or pussy since '74.

♪

Mr. Laine, you are the last of an era.

And look at you, man.

It is what it is, kid.

I'm-- I'm going to be dead in two years anyway.

I might only have a couple of weeks left.

But guys like me, we need guys like you.

And guys like us,

we don't go out like this.

I am worth 40 million.

That could buy a little more time

or a lot of fun.

You got to get off this fucking bus, man.

I like your style, kid.

Yeah.

What did you say your name was?

Fitz.

Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Hello, red.

Fuck off, Fitz.

Ooh, diddy like.

Sabotaging an old man's bus,

deals with the mob about a bar that doesn't exits, clever.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Dexter Laine and I have plans, big plans.

It will blow this place right out of the water.

One day, if you play your cards right,

maybe I'll even let you climb aboard.

We'll see how he feels

after I tell him what a degenerate you are.

Be my guest.

♪

Oh, hey, hey, hey, you can't smoke in here.

I can do any fucking thing I want!

I'm Ken fucking Fitzpatrick.

The Germans couldn't kill me.

The Japs couldn't kill me.

Cancer's not going to kill me.

You fought in the war?

The war of high fucking prices!

I've outlasted every dealer on this miserable strip.

No way I'm going to let

some scalpel jockey take my nuts.

[Grunting]

What's your problem

besides your face?

Don't joke, Daddy. I'm not in the mood.

Ruptal and I, we--

I think it's over.

Bullshit! You're a Fitzpatrick!

We decide when it's over.

We decide how it's going to end.

Anything else is a pussy move.

♪

You know what the problem is

with the rest of the world, Larry?

They're always three drinks behind.

I'm proud of you, Richard.

This is real progress,

and I'm so glad that it all worked out for once.

It's a real legacy, built on mentorship and trust.

Yeah, by now he's probably balls-deep in Dot.

You--? You--?

You left her alone with Dexter Laine?

Yeah, a little bonus for my new partner.

No, no, no, the praying mantis.

She eats the head.

She--

She eats the head!

[Beeping]

♪ Those fingers in my hair

♪ That sly "come hither" stare

♪ That strips my conscience bare ♪

♪ It's witchcraft

♪ And I've got no defence for it ♪

♪ The heat is too intense for it ♪

♪ What good would common sense for it do? ♪

♪ 'Cause it's witchcraft

♪ Wicked witchcraft

♪ And although I know

♪ It's strictly taboo

♪ When you arouse the need in me ♪

♪ My heart says, "Yes, indeed, " in me ♪

♪ Proceed with what you're leading me to ♪

♪ It's such an ancient pitch

♪ But one I wouldn't switch

♪ 'Cause there's no nicer witch than you ♪

[Siren wailing]

♪

We were just talking. That poor man.

He was so-- So vital.

So well preserved.

A celebrity endorsement from a stiff

is worth jack shit.

And now I'm in Dutch with the mob.

Thanks, cock docket.

It's not me, Richard. We are jinxed.

LARRY: The curse, I-- I tried to warn you.

Warn me about what, Larry?

Fucking what?

You know what they say:

tragedy always comes in threes, dude.

[Crow squawking]

[Josh laughing]

One more to go.

♪

Fuck.