Original subtitles

NED: From the beginning of time, man has had the need

to capture the beauty of the human form.

Painters painted, sculptors sculpted.

But none of these forms seemed worthy of the subject.

Then man found a way to fuse beauty and art into a perfect new form...

The calendar.

♪ I love, I love, I love my calendar girl

♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl

♪ I love, I love, I love my calendar girl

♪ Each and every day of the year

♪ January

♪ You start the year off fine

♪ February

♪ You're my little valentine

♪ -March -I'm gonna march you

♪ Down the aisle

♪ -April -You're the Easter Bunny

♪ When you smile

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ My heart's in a whirl

♪ I love, I love, I love my little calendar girl

♪ -Every day -Every day

♪ -Every day -Every day

♪ Of the year

♪ -May -Maybe if I ask

♪ Your dad and mom

♪ -June -They'll let me take you

♪ To the junior prom

♪ July

♪ Like a firecracker I'm aglow

♪ -August -When you're on the beach

♪ You steal the show

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ My heart's in a whirl

♪ I love, I love, I love my little calendar girl

♪ -Every day -Every day

♪ -Every day -Every day

♪ Of the year

♪ -September -Light the candles

♪ At your Sweet Sixteen

♪ -October -Romeo and Juliet

♪ On Halloween

♪ -November -I'll give thanks

♪ That you belong to me

♪ -December -You're the present 'neath

♪ My Christmas tree

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ My heart's in a whirl

♪ I love, I love, I love my little calendar girl

♪ -Every day -Every day

♪ -Every day -Every day

♪ Of the year ♪

GIRL: I'm gonna take dance class.

NED: It was 1962, and here I was at UCLA.

And it seems like another planet.

I was lost, and I was lonely.

And I hadn't found any of my classes.

UCLA must stand for "You can't locate anything."

Okay, but that's the past.

Today, I swore I'd make one new friend if it killed me.

Then I saw her.

Everything you'd want in a friend.

Blonde hair and a great body.

Yeah, I'd talk to her.

I'd ask directions.

I'd kill two birds with one stone.

-GIRL: What's going on? MAN: They're stuffing a phone booth.

GIRL: All of you?

NED: Okay, so now I'm standing there.

Breathing down her neck.

There was my same old problem.

Not brave, no guts.

What a jerk.

And I felt like I was six years old.

Actually, six was a great age.

It was easy making friends then.

That's when I met my best buddies, Scott and Roy.

And women were no problem.

All we cared about was a puppet made out of wood.

MAN: Hey, kids! What time is it?

CHILDREN: It's Howdy Doody Time!

[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING]

NED: Back then, 16 million kids watched Howdy Doody faithfully.

So when Buffalo Bob announced a look-alike contest,

every kid in town signed up.

The winner and a guest got an all-expense-paid trip to Doodyville.

But no one actually knew where Doodyville was.

But it had to be more exciting than Indian Springs, Nevada.

There was a real run on flame-red hair dye that week.

Stop fidgeting.

Looks like a car accident.

NED: That's where I met Roy Darpinian.

He was one of a kind.

He was really tearing the place up, as usual.

-[GROWLING] -He didn't care about winning.

All he cared about was being noticed.

And he was.

Smile. Say Howdy Doody.

[BURPS] Howdy Doody.

NED: Scott Foreman should have won.

Even without the makeup, the guy looked just like Howdy Doody.

We nicknamed him, "The Dood."

-[CHILDREN CHATTING] -He even had a wooden leg.

He'd show it to us any time we asked.

Until Roy told him to charge a buck.

-I didn't win, either. -MAN: Smile and say "Howdy Doody!"

NED: But from that day on, the three of us were inseparable.

-Howdy Doody. -NED: It was perfect.

Roy didn't have a mother, I didn't have a father,

and Dood didn't have a leg.

None of us were going to Doodyville,

but we stayed devoted to Howdy.

-Until we turned 12. -[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Howdy didn't seem quite so interesting once we discovered her.

A new hero with less freckles and more flesh.

Dood. Roy. I've been looking all around for you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Come on.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

SCOTT: Oh, holy cow!

ROY: Where did you get this, Bleuer?

NED: I found it in my dad's drawer.

-SCOTT: Oh. -Look at those bosoms.

So round. So...

SCOTT: Round.

NED: A miracle of shape.

That's guaranteed shit-sure boner.

-[THUNDER RUMBLING] -[LAUGHING]

-NED: Come on, you guys. -ROY: Okay, read back what we got.

-SCOTT: "Dear Miss Monroe..." -No, say, "Dear Marilyn."

It's more personable.

How about, "Dear Miss Atomic Blonde"?

No, I think I'll stick with "Miss Monroe."

"We've seen all your movies. We're your biggest fans."

That's it.

ROY: Okay, how about this?

"We're your biggest fans."

"You don't have any bigger fans in the whole world.

"We love you.

"And we especially love your big, pointy tits.

-"They're like missiles." -No. Uh-uh.

Roy. We can't say that to her.

Ladies love to hear that stuff, because they got 'em.

And they don't think about 'em as much as we do.

We have to let 'em know.

I'm not signing my name to anything about that.

Yeah, what are you? A man or a mouse?

-[IN UNISON] I'm a man. -Jinx.

NED: When you got jinxed, you couldn't talk

'til whoever jinxed you, unjinxed you.

Scott never broke the rules.

And if Roy was really pissed, Scott could go for days without speaking.

We can't say she has bosoms like a missile base.

Well, what do you think's gonna grab her?

I don't know. I think we should sound like we have brains.

If anything, tell her we think she's...

-A handsome woman. -Handsome? Why don't you just tell her she's a man?

NED: Dood, your leg. You're castrating me. Oh.

NED: It took us a while, but we finally finished.

Fell asleep and dreamed about her...

Marilyn Monroe.

Two weeks later, she sent us an autographed picture.

She loved us back.

We took turns sleeping with that picture.

Sure, we got a few paper cuts, but she was worth it.

Even Roy, who had a lot of real-life girlfriends, still stayed true to Marilyn.

ROY: "Monroe was working on her latest movie,

"Something's Got to Give,

"and two weeks later, something did.

"Marilyn was fired.

"What we'll all miss on the screen

"is the skinny-dip scene you see on these pages."

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

Prepare yourselves, gentlemen.

-Oh. -Oh, yeah.

-Beautiful. -Look at those eyes.

Read these lips.

"I want you to canoe me.

"Canoe me, Roy.

"Canoe me, now."

Darpinian, that ciggie's making a beeline for your brain.

I told you not to do that.

Wow.

I wonder if the doctor would let me take them.

How long does it take to get a shot of penicillin

-around this place, anyway, huh? -[RINGS BELL]

I mean, either I got the clap or I don't, right?

-[CHUCKLES] -NED: Then one day, Roy dropped it on us.

He'd enlisted in the Army for a very typical "Roy" reason.

We're all going to hell, anyway.

I might as well go out fighting.

Positive, Roy. You've got a great sense of humor there.

NED: Roy had to leave for boot camp in a week.

I didn't know what to think.

And the Dood couldn't think because he was in love.

ROY: Aw.

NED: Scott had known Becky forever,

but lately he had that goofy look when she was around.

They were gonna get married.

The Dood, married.

I mean, the guy was still eating animal crackers.

[HORNS HONKING]

Hey, hey, hey. Watch it, kid.

Roy.

What?

Don't be a jerk.

-[CHUCKLES] -[RAY CHARLES' WHAT'D I SAY PLAYING]

-So, we'll go to the Chief tonight, huh? -Okay.

-All right. -I'll see you, Roy.

I'll call you later.

NED: Could Roy really have joined the Army?

Was he really that impulsive?

♪ Yeah, mama don't you treat me wrong

♪ Come and love your daddy all night long

♪ All right now...

NED: I guess that day was my first signal

that life as I knew it wasn't gonna be the same.

The inseparables were separating.

♪ See the girl with the diamond ring... ♪

NED: On the surface, things seemed the same.

Dood still had his job at the Chief,

even though once he mixed up the reels during The Ten Commandments,

and had Moses lead the Israelites back into slavery.

It was great for us, though.

Free movies.

And Roy. For the last two years

he worked as a bagman for a mob bookie out of Las Vegas.

Antonio and Arturo, the Gallo brothers.

They came with the job.

They made sure when Roy talked, people listened.

Roy hadn't turned in his resignation yet.

Who could blame him?

The Gallo brothers could be scary.

But there was something kind of likeable

about the way Antonio brought the world to his brother

through sign language.

Son of a bitch. Roy.

Two straws for Arturo.

No. What?

Outstanding.

Roy.

Our compliments to the chef.

♪ All right ♪

[HORN HONKS]

Hey, watch where you're going, pal.

NED: And I was back working at the toy store.

The same one my father ran before he got killed in Korea.

Everything was changing, but me.

Everyone was going on, doing brave things.

What was I doing?

Working at a toy store.

I didn't know what I wanted to do.

I guess I just figured we'd all wind up in college.

Now I wasn't sure I even wanted to go.

I needed help.

And there she was.

I had collected all the interviews, articles

and pictures I could find.

The one constant, Marilyn.

MARILYN: Talk about sad.

You mean you can't fall in love?

MAN: Not anymore.

MARILYN: Have you ever tried American girls?

You poor, poor boy. How can you think about...

-SCOTT: Oh. -ROY: Look at those.

-...food at a time like this? -ROY: Becky got a set like those?

-What else is there for me? -SCOTT: Shut up.

Is it that hopeless?

TONY CURTIS: If I wasn't such a coward, I'd kill myself.

I may not be one of those French upstairs girls, but...

Could I take another a crack at it?

If you insist.

Anything this time?

I'm afraid not.

I'm telling you. She's ripe for the picking.

She ain't married to that Miller guy anymore. She just got canned.

She's probably up for some action.

Roy, she's a very private person.

That's firsthand. You won't get in to see her.

And if you do happen to get in, she won't go out with you

because you have no brains and you fart.

It can't be that tough. I'll just go up to her door,

ring the bell, and when she opens up, I'll say,

"Put out or get out."

-That'll grab her. -Grab who?

It's Roy's opinion that Marilyn would go out on a date with him.

[LAUGHS] You wish.

Guys, it's two days tops. We can hang out at my Uncle Harvey's.

Uh...

I... I can't go with you.

I... I wouldn't know how to tell Becky where I was going.

Or why.

So snow her, Dood.

You tell her you ain't never gonna see me again.

You wanna spend the last couple of minutes goofing around.

You got the face to sell her.

I can't lie to her like that. She'd never forgive me.

What are you, a man or a mouse?

-I'm engaged. -Wrong. You're a candy-ass.

Bleuer...

What about you?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know if I could get the time off from work.

-Then quit. -Roy, quitting requires

an extreme knowledge of not working.

I don't have your talent for free time.

Guys, I'm talking about meeting her.

Her.

The girl you've been dreaming and creaming about.

And what about money? Who's gonna pay for all this?

Neither of you has ever eighty-sixed this stinking little town.

I'm the only guy you know who can bring this off,

and you're gonna bounce the cement if I do and you don't.

Come on, guys. It's two or three days, tops.

MAN: Step. Step. Step. Helmet in.

Harder. Harder. Elbows in.

Jab. Jab. Come on. Duck.

Block. Block. Block.

You wanna kill me? Don't give in to temptation. [GRUNTS]

Son, if you're not gonna defend yourself,

don't step into my ring again.

[SPITS]

Feel better?

Kid's got guts.

Yeah, everybody's got guts.

Look, uh...

I need the keys to the car for a couple days.

I wanna swing by Harvey's.

Going by Harvey's?

Yeah. He invited me.

He invited you? Well, when did he invite you?

What difference does it make? He invited me.

Do I get the keys or not?

No, you don't get the keys.

You shouldn't go anywhere this close to induction.

Stay around here, collect your thoughts. It might do you some good.

Why don't you collect your thoughts? I had to ask.

Roy? Roy, don't walk away from me.

Roy, I'm not finished talking to you.

Roy!

Bleuer.

Bleuer, you pea brain.

Grab your paddle, we're going on a little canoe trip.

It's "Marilyn" time.

-Roy, I can't. -Come on. This is it.

She's ripe. Let's fly.

-Is the Dood going? -Buried the Beck just like I told him.

She even opened the car door for him.

I'm very, very proud of that boy.

-Come on. -Look, Roy. I just...

I can't leave the store now. Okay? I can't leave.

Why not?

I mean, I don't have anyone to come in for me. Mr. Beggie is sick.

Jesus, Bleuer. This place could close down a month,

nobody would know the diff.

What the hell's keeping you here?

Now is not possible.

Fine.

You're blowing this, Bleuer.

Royally. And you know it.

I walk out that door, that's it.

Fine.

Fine.

You can't rub BenGay on a heartache.

We'll see you when we get back.

Roy. Roy, wait up.

Dood.

Dood.

-[HORN HONKS] -Hey, Bleuer.

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

Oh. Hi, guys.

-You're so soft. -[LAUGHS]

ROY: Come on. Get in.

[TEN CITY'S GOING TO A GO GO PLAYING]

♪ Come on

♪ There's a brand new place I found-a

♪ Where people come from miles around-a

♪ They come from everywhere

♪ And if you'll drop in there

♪ You might see anyone in town-a ♪

NED: I was surprised Roy's dad let him borrow

his brand new convertible for the trip.

Well, I guess we were on a streak.

Roy even had us a place to stay. Right in Hollywood...

At his Uncle Harvey's.

Yeah, things were really working out.

And for once, I had a sense of direction.

ROY: I do all the talking.

No, I do all the talking.

-No, I do all the talking. -Hey, it's my car. I do all the talking.

If you're gonna do all the talking,

we might as well just turn around now.

I do all the talking.

Roy, if you do all the talking,

we're never gonna get past Mrs. MacDonald.

Mrs. MacDonald? Who the hell's that?

-Mrs. MacDonald? -She's Marilyn's housekeeper.

Then I'll do all the talking with her.

-California. We're here. -ROY: Relax, Dood. It's a big state.

Really? I gotta go to the bathroom.

ROY: Hold it.

SCOTT: Oh, hey, look, the Capitol Records building.

-ROY: Where? I can't see it. -There it is, right there.

ROY: Dood. Shut up.

NED: Are you sure your Uncle Harvey's expecting us?

Yeah.

Harvey.

-Yeah? -Roy.

-Roy! -Hey! Hey.

Oh. How are you? How are you?

-Good to see you. -This is Scott and Ned.

All the way, I was gonna bet there's a party going on at Harvey's.

-Look at this, huh? -Party? This isn't a party.

It's 200 people talking about themselves.

Candi. Randi.

I want you to meet my nephew, Roy, and his friends.

-Hi. -BOTH: Hi, boys.

HARVEY: Now, girls, you've got a really big job ahead of you.

-Now, make sure everybody gets a lei. -[GIRLS CHUCKLE]

Come on, boys. Let me show you around.

I love those twins.

So, Harve? Uh, what is with the noisemaker?

Well, I had a few feet snipped off.

Bandages come off tomorrow. I'm very excited.

Get out of here.

You know, out of the whole family,

Harvey got stuck with the real blockbuster Armenian nose.

-Okay, Roy, very funny. -You could land a plane on it.

It's true.

I mean, it took me a while to angle it,

but this is the reason why I haven't hit it big yet.

I mean, look at this face.

Take a close look at this face.

What do you see? Nose.

Wall-to-wall nose.

You're looking at my future.

Andrea. I see three empty hands.

What are we gonna do about that?

Sorry, Harve. Here you go.

So Roy? You have a date with Marilyn Monroe?

Well, yeah. I mean, you'd take her out

if you could swing it, wouldn't you?

Hell, I'd take out her laundry if I could.

-But Marilyn Monroe? -[CHUCKLES]

I'm proud of you, Roy. Come here.

ROY: This is a great pad.

Go get me something here, will you, please? Oh, thank you.

Hey, everybody. This is my nephew, Roy,

and that's Chip and Skippy.

Scott. Look at this.

I want to show you something. Come here.

[GUESTS LAUGHING]

Look at that, boys.

-[GASPS] -That's Hollywood, Skippy.

-It's Scott. -HARVEY: Yeah.

God, what a perfect place for the West Coast.

Come on. Let's go take a look. Come here.

Dood. Come on.

This is, uh, where you're gonna be able to sack out at night.

ROY: [CHUCKLES] What is this, a tin can?

It's a bomb shelter, Roy.

Harve, a bomb shelter?

What's it doing in your back yard?

HARVEY: Look, if you're gonna buy one, you gotta see what it looks like.

Harvey, you sell bomb shelters?

Roy said you were an actor.

Yes. Well, acting is my profession of choice,

but every time I unload one of these darlings,

I'm saving lives.

Plus, I'm, uh, paying off the nose.

Yeah, look, Harvey, it's like I said on the phone, two, three days, tops.

We'll romance and we'll canoe trip.

I'm on a train for Basic on Saturday.

Sylvia. Delphine. Come here.

-Come here, I want you to meet somebody. -[PEOPLE CHEERING]

-Oh! -[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Uh, Sylvia? Delphine? This is my nephew, Roy, and his buds.

They're gonna be staying with us, uh, a couple, three days.

-Ladies. -Welcome to Hollywood, fellas.

Hi. I'm Scott, uh, Foreman.

Thanks for talking to me.

-HARVEY: Gotta mingle. Gotta mingle. -[GIRLS GIGGLE]

Later, Harve.

You boys have a good time.

"Thanks for talking to me?"

I don't know either of you.

Ah!

[CHUBBY CHECKER'S LIMBO STAR PLAYING]

-SCOTT: Are we at Marilyn's? -NED: Yeah, pull over, Roy.

ROY: Yeah, I know.

NED: 12305 Helena Drive. This is it.

Nice house.

Okay, pea brains. Remember, this is my show.

I do all the talking.

Let's make some history.

Dood, fix your hair.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks, guys.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKS]

Yeah?

Is Marilyn here?

[SIGHS] You got the wrong house.

Is this 12305 Helena Drive?

That's the address. But there's no Marilyn here.

Look, chief. Uh... [CHUCKLES]

I don't know who you are, but, uh, if you just tell her

the guys who wrote her the letter six years ago are here,

she'll want to see us.

You deaf?

Get the hell off of my property.

We're not leaving 'til she comes out.

Roy. Uh, sir, please, uh,

people are usually being asked the wrong questions,

so usually they end up giving the wrong answers.

Uh, let me rephrase.

May we please see Marilyn?

Please.

You wanna see Marilyn?

I'll get her for you.

Don't move.

[DOOR SLAMMING]

Well, you see what happens when we do all the talking? Huh?

-Kill. -[BARKS]

-Kill. -Uh-oh. Dood. Nice doggie.

Come on, guys. Dood.

Dood, he's gaining on you.

[SCOTT SCREAMS]

Okay, so I was wrong. It wasn't Helena Drive.

It was Fifth Helena drive.

This time, I'm absolutely sure.

-You're absolutely sure? -Yeah. It says right here.

You better be right this time, Bleuer.

I'm right. I'm right.

Look at this. It's beautiful.

ROY: [CHUCKLES] It's all right. NED: This is gorgeous.

I hope there are no dogs here.

[BLOWS]

Hello, is Marilyn home?

May I help you?

Yeah. We'd like to talk to her.

What is this about?

It's private.

Do you have an appointment with Miss Monroe?

No, but we thought if...

If you just tell her Roy Darpinian,

Ned Bleuer and The Dood are here,

we could skip the snow job, sweetheart.

Right. Now, get out of here before I call the cops.

[SLAMS]

Well, let's just say it's a perfect end to a perfect day

and get something to eat. My stomach is talking.

-Oh. Yeah. -Wait a minute, guys.

What are we, men or mice? Huh?

-What? -We came here to do something,

and no ball-busting biddy Hazel's gonna stop us. Come on.

I'm giving you boys fair warning.

The police department is on its way.

The honest-to-God truth is...

She's my mother.

I didn't wanna say anything at first,

'cause I didn't think you'd buy it.

I mean, it's... It's weird, you know?

When, after 18 years of tears on your pillow,

you find out who your real mom is.

And that your brothers...

Are just two pea brains who sleep in the beds next to you.

[NED CLEARS THROAT]

That's the truth, on the Holy Bible. I swear it.

[SIRENS WAILING]

I told you so.

We should go. Come on, Roy.

You know, we only wanted to be near her for a minute.

Maybe... Maybe wish her a happy belated birthday. That's all.

Let's go, Ned. The cops are coming!

[SIREN STOPS]

[SIGHS]

So, uh, when will he be returning?

Who knows? Roy doesn't keep track of time too good.

Why, what's going on?

Nothing, nothing. It's just, we, uh, no.

Well, he... We...

We work together in the, uh, same garage,

and happened to misplace one of the keys to the car.

And, uh, we were hoping, you know,

that Roy would be able to find those keys.

Well, all he told me...

He was gonna spend some time with my brother, Harvey, in Hollywood.

Then he took off.

Look, uh, if it's important, I, uh, can phone him up there.

Oh. No, no.

No, I mean, we can wait. This is nothing.

What's a few days? Huh? Let's...

I wouldn't wait any longer than that.

He'll be in the Armed Forces on Saturday.

Well, thank you.

And, uh, sorry for the bother.

Excuse us.

Hollywood.

♪ Just one look... ♪

Damn, Bleuer. Did you read this?

"Her derriere looked like two puppies fighting under a silk sheet."

-Choice stuff. [CHUCKLES] -Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Don't anybody jump down my throat,

but are we heading home tomorrow?

No, we are not heading home tomorrow.

Tomorrow's a whole new ball game.

Why? We're never gonna get past her housekeeper.

-Let's just call it quits. -Dood.

You can't rub BenGay on a heartache.

What does that mean?

It means, I don't rest until she's mine.

That's what it means.

ROY: Guys, we got this book.

We ought to be able to track her down.

♪ A kiss on the hand

♪ May be quite continental

♪ But diamonds are...

SCOTT: The Ambassador? Is this a hotel?

Boys.

ROY: I told you she wouldn't be here. She has a house.

Why would she be in a hotel? Hotels have restaurants.

This happens to be one of Marilyn's favorites.

♪ Or help you at the Automat...

-Where are we going? -Yeah. Where are we going?

ROY: Don't worry about it. SCOTT: I'm hungry.

♪ And we all lose our charms in the end...

[TIRES SCREECH]

-What is this place? -A restaurant.

♪ These rocks don't lose their shape...

-No luck, huh, Bleuer? -Nah. Give me the book.

♪ Tiffany's

♪ Cartier

♪ Black Star, Frost, Gorham

♪ Talk to me, Harry Winston

♪ Tell me all about it

♪ But stiff back... ♪

Roy! Stop the car! It's her!

It's her! I'd know that walk anywhere!

-She just went in there! -Where?

Right there! Look. A blind guy could see her.

It's her! Roy, park the car!

I'm parking it, already!

All right, let's go. Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Roy, wait!

Marilyn!

Gracefully, guys.

Just like we came in.

Yeah.

[BOBBY DARIN'S DREAM LOVER PLAYING]

♪ Every night I hope and pray... ♪

NED: We were convinced that Marilyn would love us once she met us.

But we had to get her to see us first.

So we parked in front of her house,

determined to wait until she noticed us.

F.

NED: There was this great game we played to kill time.

F, U.

NED: The object of the game was to use letters,

in order, without actually spelling a word.

F, U, C.

NED: If you spelled a word,

you lost.

I quit.

-NED: Roy frequently quit. -[SIGHS]

His vocabulary just didn't include words like fuchsia.

But for some reason, he always started with the letter F.

Well...

Since we're gonna be out here for the long haul,

why don't we turn on some heat?

Here's one for you.

Take it.

One for you, and one for me.

Reefers.

You're giving us reefers?

Little louder.

Don't think they caught it at the police station.

Are these standard now in all the 62's, or...

I borrowed 'em from Harvey.

-Borrowed? -We're gonna go straight to jail.

I know it. This is jail.

[LIGHTER CLICKING]

ALL: ♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl

♪ I love, I love I love my calendar girl

♪ Each and every day of the year

♪ Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da

♪ January

♪ You start the year off fine

♪ February You're my little valentine

♪ March, I'm gonna march you

♪ Down the aisle

♪ April, you're the Easter Bunny when you smile

♪ Yeah, yeah My heart's in a whirl

♪ I love, I love I love my little calendar girl

♪ Every... Every day... Every day...

♪ Every day of the year ♪

NED: Gee. ROY: Whoo.

Did you guys ever think,

if Mister Ed can really talk,

how come he never complains about standing in his own piss?

You know the only reason I was born?

'Cause the drugstore was closed on Sunday?

No.

[LAUGHING]

[SNORTS]

I was supposed to be a girl,

to make up for my sister.

Oh, you don't have a sister.

No, she died.

She was, uh...

I don't know, something.

My mother wanted another girl so bad.

God, my mother. [CHUCKLES]

I'll tell you, man.

When you're on top, you're the best.

She digs a winner.

My old man, in his heyday, she just...

He was king.

He used to get up for a fight by canoeing her.

You could hear the lockers banging.

[SNICKERS]

And then he got busted up against Isherwood.

After that she just...

She don't respect him no more, yeah...

Just like that.

He was down.

She wouldn't let him up.

Sometimes I'd sleep outside their room when it was fight night.

Go in and try to break it up.

[SNICKERS]

She's a singer now, you know?

[MOANS]

Oh, God.

God. God.

Becky's gonna have a cow.

Foreman, you are such a candy-ass.

Man. I'm double-crossing her!

How are you double-crossing her?

With Marilyn.

What?

I mean, we haven't even met Marilyn.

-I'm a rat fink. Fink. -We met her fence.

We met her door, her maid.

-Fink. Fink. Fink. Fink. -We met with rejection.

Dood, Dood, Dood.

The only thing you've done wrong, so far,

is getting a boner with somebody else's name on it.

We're just here to say hello.

I still feel bad.

She loves me so much.

Why?

-It's the phony leg. -Oh.

Will she still love me this much when I'm old and ugly?

You're ugly now.

That's the beauty of it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-What if Becky finds out? -[LAUGHS]

-She'll think I'm a drug addict. -[BOTH LAUGHING]

And then... And then she'll tell my mom!

[SLOW SONG PLAYING]

Come on. Come on. Let's go for a walk.

Good boy.

[ALL SNORING]

[WHISTLING]

[HUMMING CALENDAR GIRL]

Nice.

Tony Curtis.

Spartacus.

-Ooh. -We got you now, Roy.

Where is the money?

Money? [GAGS] I... I don't know what you're talking about.

What?

What do you mean, it's the wrong guy?

-[COUGHING] -My apologies.

I hope that we haven't injured you.

-Where is Roy? -Roy?

I... I have no idea what you're talking about.

Where is your nephew, Roy?

-Roy! -Roy.

-Roy! -Where is he?

I... I don't know.

Look, I wouldn't... I wouldn't lie to you.

Uh, and-and I especially wouldn't lie... H... He's out!

Yeah.

Time to go to work.

Uh... Excuse me?

W... Why is he... He keep doing that?

See, he can't hear.

Sorry.

He speaks to me with his hand.

And right now,

he's telling me which one of your bones we should break first.

Or do you have a preference?

Uh-uh-uh. Uh, yeah.

N... Not, um... Not the nose.

Don't... Please, please, don't... Don't hurt the nose. Okay?

Guys. Drop your socks and grab your jocks.

Get a load of who's coming out.

-Who is it? Marilyn? -I don't know. I can't make her out.

But the old lady's driving.

SCOTT: It looks like her. NED: Yeah, it must be her.

We should go before we lose her.

I'm up. Let's put some tires on the road.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

When we catch up with her, you two pea brains shut up, and I do all the talking.

Hey, the both of you, shut up.

[HORN HONKING]

-You're getting a little close, Roy. -Yeah, I got it.

I think that's her. Right there.

I can see her, Dood. Thank you.

-What are you gonna do? -ROY: Just give me a second.

MACDONALD: Oh, dear. Those boys are right behind us.

What should I do?

MARILYN: I'm sure they're harmless.

-Just go a little faster. -Okay.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You see this? You see this? They're giving it the gun.

[HORN HONKING]

Let's go back and wait outside her house.

BOTH: Let's just go back to Indian Springs.

Jinx.

Shit.

-Not long now, baby. -Marilyn must hate us.

She's gotta hate us. I hate us.

Nobody hates nobody. It's the chase, man. They love it.

Brakes. Roy, use the brakes.

Will you slow down?

-[WHINING INAUDIBLY] -What?

What? Dood? Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy.

Unjinxed.

We just passed her car.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SCREAMS]

-You guys okay? -Yeah.

Hey.

[SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING]

That was her.

It was her.

[BOTH SIGH]

So, we fired a couple of blanks.

You can't rub BenGay on a heartache.

You made an instantaneous decision to have a car accident.

There's no editing process between your brain and mouth.

-Yeah, I ain't like you, Bleuer. -Bull's eye.

You figure everything to death.

You sit and you think. You kill the day.

Look at that book you carry around.

Sometimes you gotta floor it.

Appropriate phraseology, given our experience.

[REPEATS MOCKINGLY]

Just say, "Fuck you, Roy." All right?

Fuck you will do, without any thinking at all.

All right. Granted, I... I do size up situations.

But not all the time.

Yeah, Ned. You do. All the time.

See, I'm not just making this up.

All right. Fine.

We don't even know why we're here...

Don't start that shit with me, Dood.

-You're really getting on my nerves. -But he's right.

I mean, we're just becoming an irritation to her.

I don't want her to remember me like this, Roy.

I'll tell you how we get in her house.

We gotta find something... Something...

Something that'll move her, you know?

An ace, right to the pump.

We gotta make her cry.

That's it. That's how we get in. We make her cry.

Any ideas?

Well, I... I remember reading a story,

but I don't know, it's... It's a really big stretch.

Hey. Anything can be a plan.

-Let me hear it, and I'll tell you. -Here we go.

"She has a profound empathy for animals,

"based on her own memories of being unprotected as a child.

"Once, when it was raining, she heard a calf mooing just outside her door.

"She tried to bring the calf inside,

"because she thought the farmer had forgotten

"and left it outside to get soaked."

This is a jackpot.

"It took Jim, who was her husband at the time,

"over an hour to convince Norma Jean

"that cows didn't mind standing out in the rain."

Oh, but they do. They hate it.

This is it. This is 100% what we gotta do.

His eyes are bugging out again.

We gotta boost a cow.

That's it. We gotta boost a cow.

No way, Roy. I mean, I... I reject that idea.

We're not boosting a cow, okay?

We're... We're not boosting a cow.

HARVEY: Roy? Roy?

Hey.

Where have you been all night?

-ROY: What do you mean? -Do you know a couple of dinosaurs named Gallo?

Well, they came by last night to beat your brains out.

But, luckily for you, I was able to fend them off with my nose.

I don't believe this.

Gallo? Aren't those the guys you work with?

What are they doing here, Roy?

Roy, what are they doing here?

I sort of, uh... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I sort of palmed a grand for the trip.

You stole their money?

Technically, it wasn't their money.

They seem convinced that it is.

To come all the way to another state?

They told me to tell you that if you give them back their money,

you can keep your thumbs.

New rule. No relatives.

NED: Roy figured the Gallos would never look for us at Marilyn's.

Besides, we were on a mission.

I'll tell you something.

Women are gonna be around a lot longer than anyone expected.

And that's a fact.

Roy, you're like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag.

What are you two pea brains gonna do after I'm gone? Huh?

Who's gonna keep you up on the latest advancements?

Hey, you're not the only source on women anymore.

I mean, that was fine when we were kids, but I'm 18 now.

My body has been fondled by hands that are not my own.

And I'm getting married next month.

A lot of good that's gonna do. The blind canoeing the blind. [LAUGHS]

Oh, says who, Darpinian?

You?

Everybody knows you've been carting around

the same rubber in your wallet for three years.

Two virgins. That shouldn't happen to anybody.

Yeah. Well, whatever Becky and I need to know,

we'll get from each other.

MAN: Okay? WOMAN: All right.

NED: Jesus. That's her. SCOTT: Where?

The black hair and the sunshades. It's a disguise.

-She uses it on saps like us. -It's not her.

NED: That's her. ROY: Bleuer, you're cracked.

It's not her body. It's not her walk. It's not her.

NED: Here.

"She prowls the streets of New York sometimes

"in her black wig and kerchief.

"But what most often gives her away

"are the huge aviator sunglasses she adds to this disguise."

[SNIFFING]

Do you smell it?

-Chanel No. 5. -Let's go.

NED: Oh, I see her. There. She's... She's turning right.

Don't lose her, Roy.

SCOTT: No accidents, Roy. Do not ram her.

Yeah, I got it, Dood. I got it.

SCOTT: Hey, look. It's the Pacific.

-ROY: Really? Where? -Right there.

-ROY: Where? -Right... Oh, shut up, Darpinian.

A nude beach.

ROY: Jackpot.

Naked women are more fun than anybody.

Roy. Roy.

Roy, I have enough trouble getting naked in front of a mirror.

Perfect. It's wide open. There's no place she can run.

Except across the water.

She's good, Bleuer, but she ain't no Jesus.

-I can't do it, Roy. -Dood.

This is it. This is it.

Do you want to see her naked, in the flesh?

She's right down there.

I bet there's a million guys who'd kill to be in our feet right now.

Okay, okay. But, why do we have to get naked?

-Why can't we go down there like this? -Yeah?

Look. If you two mice wanna stay up here and play pocket pool,

I'll go down there myself.

It don't matter to me.

Ladies.

Oh, my God. Ned, I can't go down there.

What about my leg? People are gonna laugh.

-Here, Foreman. -Oh, thank you.

Oh, Bleuer. A little light reading, huh? Good.

All right, guys. Let's go.

Oh. God, I love this place.

What do you say we wait till she comes out of the water, huh?

I'll be selling her the idea,

and a big wave will come and wash me out to sea.

NED: Look. It's Marilyn. In the black wig.

I need to lay down for a minute.

I just have to lay down.

Do you know how you're going to ask her?

Yeah, I figure I'll say something with my eyes.

I got this thing worked up with my eyes.

One look, she's Velveeta.

In other words, we've... We've come all this way,

and you haven't devoted one iota of your brain to this, have you?

ROY: Guys, let's go.

Now, remember, guys, I do all the talking. You got it?

NED: All right. All right. Make it good, Roy.

Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, my, uh, faithful companions here say

they're gonna murder me for saying this to you,

but I think you're a woman who can understand when I say,

I just wanna lay on top of you

and see where it goes from there.

You're dreamin', bud.

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Roy.

Oh, shit.

SCOTT: What?

This beach just got very small.

-WOMAN: Oh. -MAN: Hey.

MAN: It's a nude beach. What's the matter with you?

-In the water. Come on. -Water?

I can't swim.

-That's the whole angle. Neither can they. -I can't swim.

If you guys ever thought about following me before, now's the time.

I ain't kidding. Come on. Let's go.

What about my bible?

I can't swim!

WOMAN: Squares.

Hey, hey, hey. Careful, it's wet.

ANTONIO: Hey, Roy. No more running.

We got you.

You're stuck, pal.

ROY: Hey, I didn't know you guys were in town.

Might as well come in, guys. The water's nice.

NED: Guys, is that her?

Hey. Oh, my God.

-Look. There she is. -Man, what is this?

Are we cursed, or what?

Hey, Roy. We're not leaving this beach.

I hate you, Roy. I hate you.

First, you get me naked, then you get drowned.

This isn't fun anymore.

So, how long would you estimate we're gonna be out here for?

Well, there are two things that'll slow the Gallo brothers down.

Either they die, or they get hungry.

Which is more likely to happen in our lifetimes?

ROY: F.

NED: F-U.

SCOTT: F-U-C.

I quit.

You wanna eat? Now? What about Roy?

That's true, we do know where he's staying.

Let's eat.

ROY: It's been two and a half hours. Let's get out of here already.

SCOTT: Are you sure it's safe? ROY: Yeah, it's safe, Dood.

Well... Well, they could be hiding behind a rock waiting to ambush us.

Dood, just shut up and let's go.

I can't believe it. God damn it.

Six... Six years.

Six years it took me to put this together.

It has all the Life articles ever written about her.

They're all completely soaked.

These pictures, I... I haven't seen them anywhere else...

Bleuer. Will you clam up about your stinking bible already?

Right there. We were this close. This close.

I'll tell you, first thing we gotta do... We gotta boost a cow.

Oh, forget the cow, Roy. Can we forget the damn cow?

Just for... I wanna go home.

Becky's gotta be going nuts.

Dood. I ain't gonna say this again.

We go home when I say we go home. Got it?

Fine. Then I'll just take the car when you're asleep.

-Yeah, and who's gonna drive it? -I am.

Really? Who's gonna pump the gas pedal?

Well, who do you think?

With what, Dood? Huh?

With what?

You got born with the wrong leg.

We are going home.

Son of a bitch. He stuck his gum in my armpit.

We're going home.

[CHUCKLES] Foreman, your ass is grass.

I have a life ahead of me Darpinian.

-And I wanna be there for it. -So, you can't rub

-BOTH: BenGay on a heartache. -Jinx!

You better figure out a way to get this Bazooka outta my pit.

-I said jinx, you have to be quiet... -Forget jinx.

I caught you. I caught you.

So, what're you gonna do? Huh?

You gonna make me shut up?

Is that what you're gonna do? Huh? Come on.

-Jinx. Jinx. -Why don't...

Don't butt in, Bleuer. This is between him and me.

Come on. Get angry. Make a fist.

-Put my lights out. Let's go. -Roy.

-Roy, stop. -Roy, I really don't...

Come on. How can you stomach this?

Punch me. Punch me.

Hit me so hard, I'll never forget it.

Does Becky know what a gimp mouse she's getting?

Get off me!

-[GRUNTING] -You hit like a chick.

-Guys, stop it. -[GRUNTING]

Dood, cut it out.

[COUGHS]

Roy. I'm sorry.

[PANTS]

Ah, I had it coming.

[CHUCKLES]

You got me pretty good.

That's the way it goes.

-NED: Nobody said anything about the fight. -[COUGHING]

And the next morning, we were too busy preparing

for the Gallo brothers to care.

Hot plate, guys. Hot plate.

I don't see how laying out food's gonna solve anything.

Trust me, Bleuer. I never finish anything I don't start.

What does that mean?

-What time is it? -It's, uh, 02:09.

The Gallos, they're always on time when someone's getting pulverized.

Is somebody here getting pulverized today?

You can use initials if whole names give away too much.

It's better if I don't say nothing.

You're gonna give 'em their money back?

-Right, Roy? -There's no point to that.

They want it all. What do you think we've been spending?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

On the dot.

Oh, one thing. With the Gallos,

any gunplay, just duck and cover.

What?

Arturo. Antonio. Thanks for using the door.

Come in. Come in. Don't be shy.

What a surprise.

Hey, guys. Look who it is.

Hi. How... How are you?

Roy? You're a hard man to track down.

Not really. You guys are just easy to shake.

Hungry?

Roy, that was a very awful thing you did, taking that money from us.

I know. And I feel terrible.

And I hate putting you guys on the line like this,

but I'm tapped. No alibi.

So, how about you just eat up and wax me? Okay?

Arturo, bad news. He doesn't have the money.

That's his plan? "Eat up and wax me?"

Hey. Roy.

I want you to understand that we don't want to harm you.

Yeah, you've been kind to us.

That's sweet. Yeah.

But we must do what we are told.

Hey, I ain't complaining.

You guys wanna bust me up? Go for it.

Arturo says we're gonna have to break all your fingers

-and, maybe... What do you think? A leg? -[GASPING]

Maybe a leg?

Yeah? But we're gonna try to break them in places

where it would be easier to mend.

That's fair.

Roy. You're not gonna let them do this to you.

These guys break bones for a living.

It's what they do, their job.

I'm part of their job. It'll get better.

Run, Roy. It's a better plan.

OFFICER: Police. Open up!

Everybody up against the wall and spread 'em.

-What'd we do? -This isn't happening.

Roy Darpinian, Scott Foreman and Ned Bleuer, we have a warrant for your arrest.

For trespassing and compound aggravation of a Miss M. Monroe.

-No. That's not possible. -She wouldn't do that to us.

OFFICER: The complaint was filed this morning.

-They're clean. -Cuff 'em.

-What are you two doing here? -Nothing.

We're just, uh, visiting our good friend, Roy.

-Beat it. -Roy. Roy!

-Hold it right there. -Whoa!

-What's going on? -Who are you?

Harvey Dar... Darpinian. I... I live here.

-Can you prove it? -I can prove it.

My initials are on the doormat.

These men are under arrest.

You two again.

Well, well, well. Why am I not surprised?

No, no. Not these men. These men.

These men? No, officer. You've made a mistake.

I filed a complaint against these men yesterday for breaking and entering.

For breaking my nose last night.

-I want you to arrest them right now. -Officer. Officer.

We would... We would be very happy to leave,

if first we could just shake hands goodbye with Roy.

-Officer, these... -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold it. That's it.

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt. All right?

-Put the gun down. -HARVEY: Roy, listen to him.

-Everybody, back. -Roy.

Stop or I'll shoot.

Anybody wants to talk to me, you talk to Uncle Sam.

-Freeze! -No, Roy!

[ROY GASPS]

Now, Ken.

It just went off by itself. I swear I didn't...

Oh, my God.

Roy? Roy?

Get away, you animals!

-SCOTT: Is he breathing? -Oh. You better get an ambulance.

-Is he alive? -OFFICER: Ken, move!

It's too late.

Oh, my God. He's dead.

Please, pay our respects to his father.

OFFICER: I never meant for that to happen.

HARVEY: Roy. Oh, no, Roy.

Roy. G... Oh, G...

[SOBBING]

Roy, you didn't have to, Roy.

You didn't have to, Roy.

-You didn't have to. You... -[GAGS]

Dood. You're castrating me. Mwah.

-You're alive! -Yep.

Not bad for a dead guy, huh?

Damn you, Darpinian.

Well, why didn't you tell us?

They had to buy it all, everything.

You got the face, Dood.

These really aren't police?

No, no, no. But they're convincing, aren't they?

I want you to meet Steve and Ernie, fellow thespians.

And, then, fellas? Don't break into spontaneous applause.

Uh, Steve? Can I see you for a minute?

Now, what is this, uh... This line that you used on me,

"Can I prove it?"

Well, I was improvising.

We rehearsed for a half hour...

It was getting flat...

[ALL TALKING]

You could've at least said something.

Let me give you a fact, okay?

If a guy walked through the door right now with a gun and said,

"I'm gonna shoot one of you. Who's it gonna be?"

I'd tell him to shoot me.

Without even thinking, 100% percent me.

Well, you know what we have to do now?

We gotta go boost a cow.

[WILSON PICKETT'S DON'T FIGHT IT PLAYING]

♪ You'd better get on up...

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ And get that groove... ♪

Yes. We're taking... We're doing it.

Hard left.

-Into the... Into the trailer. -[MOOING]

What do you boys want a cow for, anyway?

Uh, it... It's for a, uh...

Uh, a religious ceremony that, uh, we perform.

[MOOING]

Whoa. Whoa. Oh.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

It's a... It's a...

A celestial thing that we like to do.

-You must be from Hollywood. -Yeah.

This cow oughta jump at the chance to meet Marilyn.

All right, on three.

It... It's for my mother.

[WHINING]

It's gonna cost you more.

Yes. Go.

Take it home.

[MOOING]

♪ You're too much, baby

♪ I'd like to make you mine...

We're gonna try again.

Roy? This cow moves for no man.

Rosie? Get in the trailer.

[MOOING]

♪ So don't fight it, oh baby ♪

[MOOING]

I would walk miles through the desert,

just to help you on with your coat.

Oh. Well, that'll impress her.

Come on, Dood. She's gonna think you're a sap.

How about I just say the truth?

I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused,

but I just had to meet you once before I died.

Why don't you go back to, "Hi, my name is Scott Foreman. Thanks for talking for me."?

[LAUGHS]

What are you gonna say, Roy? And it better not be any

"I wanna lay on top of you" stuff.

You can't say that to Marilyn.

Well? Roy?

All right. I make it in.

I say...

I love you.

I love you more than I've loved any woman.

I've waited for you longer than I've waited for any woman.

I'm a man on my knees.

Roy, did you just make that up?

-It's good stuff, isn't it? -Yeah.

Oh, you didn't make that up. The first part's from Gone With the Wind.

-[NED LAUGHS] -Yeah, but I added the stuff about the knees.

-The knees are cherry. -[CHUCKLES]

-[WATER SPLASHING] -[MOOING]

[MOOING LOUDER]

[MOOING]

[MARILYN GIGGLING]

They're very funny.

I'll take care of 'em.

Hey. You wanna moo for a while? I... I'll do the water.

No, I don't. I'm not good at a cow.

Moo. Moo.

All right, boys.

Moo.

Enough is enough.

Miss Monroe thinks you're very amusing,

but it's time to stop now.

You in the bush! Let's go!

Jackpot.

[SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING]

[MARILYN TALKING BEHIND DOOR]

MARILYN: I'm not sure.

MARILYN: Yes?

Marilyn. How you doing?

Oh. I'm sorry, you're on the phone.

Listen, could you get off? I don't have a lot of time here.

Ha. [CLEARS THROAT]

[SNIFFS]

Hi. I'm Roy Darpinian.

Thanks for talking to me.

Miss Monroe wants this cow off her property. Shoo. Shoo.

We're trying, ma'am.

I suppose asking you for a little help's not a terrific idea.

Maybe you could hold up some grass? Ma'am?

Oh, no.

Miss Monroe.

Miss Monroe.

-Well? -What time and where?

-[DOOR CLOSING] -She said no.

[COW MOOING]

WAITRESS: Order coming right up.

Of course she said no.

I mean, what's she gonna say?

A guy breaks into her house and asks her out on a date.

She's gonna say no.

Well, for the hell of it, I left Harve's number.

Oh, I'm sure she'll call.

So, how about it, Roy?

"Get lost." That's what she said.

She didn't say, "Get lost."

Marilyn doesn't talk like you do, Roy.

She said, "Get lost."

Or "Get going" or "Get off the bed."

I... I can't remember.

How did she look up-close?

Did... Were her eyes half open? Did she ever close her mouth?

Roy, you gotta understand. You were with her.

I mean, you got close enough to make a... A difference.

W... We just want a handout.

All right.

She was just lying there.

I gave her my best shot. She said no.

I don't beat a dead horse for no woman. I don't care who she is.

We should have just gone for Elizabeth Taylor.

This is so depressing.

We don't even deserve to be mice.

Well, look, guys. Just 'cause we choked with Marilyn Monroe

doesn't mean we have to go home with nothing.

I mean, we can still turn this trip around.

What? And spoil our rotten time?

What are you talking about?

We're forgetting where we are.

I mean, we're in Hollywood. We've been here all this time,

and we're still on the front porch.

I mean, come on. As... As far as I'm concerned,

tonight, the only thing that should matter should be us.

We oughta be out there doing everything.

Everything we've never done before...

And some things we have but wouldn't mind doing again.

Huh?

[CAPITOLS' COOL JERK PLAYING]

♪ Cool jerk

♪ Cool jerk

♪ Cool jerk... ♪

ANNOUNCER: Here in the heart of Hollywood.

At the premiere of Barabbas.

Let's see who I see. Huh, it is.

It's Mr. James Darren.

-One of the true great movie stars. -[PEOPLE CHEERING]

ROY: Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy. Hey, I saw your last four movies.

I want my three bucks back.

-[SHUSHING] -Guns of Navarone. Too loud.

-Roy. Roy. -[LAUGHING]

It's Dean Martin.

Hey, hey, hey. Dino.

Hey, Dino. Over here. Hey, Dino. I saw your last movie.

Find yourself another Jerry!

Roy. [SHUSHING] Everybody's staring at you, okay?

Why, what's the problem? Never gonna see these people again.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Chubby Checker.

Yes, The Twist...

Holy shit. What's he doing here?

Hey. Hey, Chubby. Chubby, hey.

Hey, Chubby. Hey, Chubby. Chubby. Over here. Hey.

♪ Let's twist again

ALL: ♪ Like we did last summer

♪ Yeah, let's twist again

♪ Like we did last year

♪ Do you remember when things were really hummin'?

♪ Yeah, let's twist again Twistin' time is here ♪

-I like that. -[LAUGHTER]

You, Chubby.

Like your shoes.

Hey, hey. Put me down.

Bye, Chubby. I'm Ned.

I don't believe it. He was talking to us.

-NED: Where did Roy go? -He's over there.

Ladies. Ladies. Hi, my name is Roy.

I'll be your escort this evening. Come on, guys.

I don't believe this.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

-SCOTT: He wants us to go. -Well, let's go then. Come on. Go. Go.

♪ Whoo Cool Jerk

♪ Cool Jerk ♪

NED: Grauman's wasn't the only place we got thrown out of.

We got bounced from all the best clubs.

Some of them twice.

But Roy kept promising the best was yet to come.

[TATTOO MACHINE BUZZING]

SCOTT: Oh. Oh. No.

No, there's no way I'm doing that.

This is where you make your stand, Dood.

For life. You don't forget today.

Becky would throw a fit if she saw one of those on me.

So get it someplace she'll never figure to look.

She's gonna be my wife.

In 80 years she'll know every inch of my body.

Get it on your pecker.

So, who's not supposed to notice that thing on your butt?

Oh. Yeah, Roy. Yeah. "Born Raise Hell?"

Well, my old man took me in when I was 10, all right?

But made me get it on my ass in case one day

-I get sick of looking at it. -Your father got you tattooed when you were 10?

-Yeah. -Uh-huh. Since when?

After my mom split, whatever I wanted.

He didn't care what I did.

Hell, I don't even know why he wanted me to stick around.

See, but I got no more use for my old man.

I'm going somewhere where people'll give me some respect, listen to me.

Is that the only reason you joined up?

Because of your Dad? Didn't it occur to you

that he wanted you to stay because he needed you more?

Oh, yeah. It occurred to me.

Every Saturday morning when he made me step in the ring with him,

so he could hand me my ass. Come on. Pick a tattoo.

It could be he hit you because it was the only...

Scott! This ain't the damn Andy Griffith Show.

When I'm gone, he ain't gonna miss me one stinking bit.

Are you gonna miss him?

No.

He's a loser.

If he had any guts, he'd have bought it in Korea, like your old man.

Why do either of you have to die to let the other one know you're still alive?

I mean, Jesus, Roy. You still have your father, and...

And you don't even...

You just don't get it, do you?

I would do anything to have my father back for five minutes, you know?

Five minutes.

Just to talk to.

I have so few memories of... Of my father. And you know, I...

Every day I lose something else.

I look at pictures and, uh...

And I don't know who I'm looking at.

Well, at least you know your old man loved you.

He was a hero. He gave you someone to respect.

Who cares if he was a hero, Roy?

He's dead.

He's dead.

I can't even tell him about this, and...

SCOTT: It's okay, Ned.

It's all right.

All right. Who's next?

Oh... Him. Him. Him.

NED: Roy got "Property of the U.S.A." tattooed on his butt.

-[PHONE RINGING] -And then the Dood passed out.

We carried him home and crashed in Harvey's living room.

-[SCOTT SNORING] -[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah, I think Harvey's sleeping right now.

Why don't... Why don't you call back tomorrow?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, come on. I'm beat. I don't...

Well, you don't sound like Marilyn.

Holy shit. Uh...

Yes. He is. Uh...

I'm sorry. Why don't you... Please. Please hold on.

R... Roy! Get up. Darpinian.

-Mmm. What? -It's her. She's on the phone.

She wants to talk.

-Who? -Marilyn.

-Really? -I told you she'd call.

Didn't I tell you? What did I tell you, huh?

I can't believe she's calling us.

For God's sake, just be nice.

Yeah? This is Roy.

Uh-huh, a soft top.

Yeah, no sweat. Give me 20 minutes.

I knew she'd call. She can't sleep.

She wants to take a drive down the Pacific Coast Highway.

Wow.

-I gotta go. -NED: Wait, Roy.

Go in there and take a shower. And use soap... And water.

You're at least gonna do something about your breath.

Right?

My breath is fine.

You can't smell your own breath. And it's not fine.

HARVEY: It's not funny. It's never happened before.

-Hey. Hey, hey. -[SHRIEKS]

People are sleeping here.

Sorry, Harvey. I gotta get into your closets to find some clothes for Roy.

I need something clean and really good-looking.

What time is it?

Roy got the date with Marilyn. [CHUCKLES]

There. Happy now?

Thank you. You're gonna thank me for it.

Oh. I still think that's way too much Vaseline.

No. It's enough.

Yeah, for a petroleum field. Get undressed, Roy.

You know, now would be a great time to try some Q-tips.

-I don't see clothes coming off. -I gotta find my keys.

Roy. Roy, come back here. Roy.

Roy, you're not getting out of here until you shower, shave,

brush your teeth, put on different clothes

and go through a huge evolutionary change.

-Mmm-hmm. -[TEARING]

-What are you doing, Bleuer? -You're not wearing these clothes.

[CHUCKLES]

And how come the way I dress never bugged either of you before? Huh?

Because you never went out with anyone we ever respected before.

Listen to us, Roy, okay?

Just... Just for a second, listen.

All right? It's not only you out there with her.

It's us. It's Harvey. It's every guy you've ever met.

Everything you do from tomorrow on is already nothing.

It's never going to be as good as it is tonight. Never.

[SCOFFS] Jeez, it's only a date.

It's only a date, Roy?

-Why did it have to be you? I mean, anybody else. -[LIGHTER CLICKING]

Anybody.

[WATER RUNNING]

Why don't you just take her, Bleuer?

Come on, Roy. The shower's on.

Bleuer. You take her.

-Roy, I'm serious. -So am I.

Somebody's gonna be late.

She'll have a better time with you.

How can I take her? She made the date with you.

So tell her I sprained my ankle, and I can't leave the house.

Tell her anything you want. She'll go for it.

Are... Are you serious?

Do you want me to take her?

She's waiting for somebody.

I just wanna canoe her, man.

You're the one who's carrying the torch.

Go on, get in the shower.

-Go. -Uh...

NED: He gave me his date.

Roy-Badass-Darpinian gave me his date.

Maybe he was scared.

Maybe he just didn't want to take a bath.

There was one condition, however.

His shoes.

Some part of him had to be out there.

Who are we kidding? I'm gonna be back here in 10 minutes.

Give her heat.

SCOTT: God, I wish I were you.

ROY: Dood? Tell me something.

Who would you have taken if you'd won that contest?

Ball-park figure?

What contest?

You know, that Howdy Doody thing?

Remember, way back?

-I probably would have gone with Becky. -Becky.

You didn't know Becky. How could you take Becky?

You said today.

Are we talking about today, or...

What are we talking about?

Roy. I could never choose between you and Ned.

You're both my best friends.

How could I hurt one of you by taking the other?

Is that what you were looking for?

Ah, Dood.

You're so soft.

I always figured the only reason

you hung around with me was because of Bleuer.

No. That's not true.

I'm... Used to you. You know?

You never let me off the hook, ever.

I always end up doing what you want me to do, even if I feel guilty.

So, what you're saying is... You don't like me

because I get you drunk, but you do like me

because I stick around to watch you throw up?

Yeah. Heh. Something like that.

NED: Surprisingly, I actually made it her house.

She spent a real long time getting ready.

I took that as a compliment.

The knot in my stomach was the size of a bowling ball.

What was I gonna say to the world's greatest woman?

I mean, Roy could give me the date,

but he couldn't give me a personality.

And then, suddenly, there she was.

I couldn't take my eyes off her.

Which made driving rough.

But I figured, if I died right now,

it would be the high point of my life.

She didn't say anything. She just stared at the ocean.

And I just stared at her.

The silence was deafening.

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

I was never so glad to see a cop.

Uh, I know I wasn't going too fast.

Oh, it's... It's probably like a...

Like a taillight or something, or...

I don't know, uh...

[SIREN TURNS OFF]

Don't worry. I'll handle it.

Is there some problem, officer?

I... I know I wasn't speeding.

Take out your driver's license and registration.

Uh, yes, sir.

Are you aware the car you are driving

was reported stolen four days ago?

No. I... I wasn't.

We're borrowing it from a friend of ours,

who borrowed it from his dad.

Jesus, that does sound pretty bad.

Registration?

I... I can't find it. I... I mean...

Please, sir, you have to believe me.

This car can't be stolen. It's... We borrowed it.

I... I swear to you on my father's grave. We...

MARILYN: I'm sure this is Mr. Darpinian's car, officer.

Um, I'm so bad with first names.

-It's, uh... -Eddie.

Well, as a matter of fact, that is the registered owner's name. Eddie Darpinian.

That's Roy's dad.

I'm sorry, Miss Monroe. It's probably a mistake out at Dispatch.

It happens.

You better have your friend here get this car home, pronto.

-Yes, sir. -Ma'am?

Could I trouble you for an autograph?

Uh, to Fred.

Good evening, ma'am.

Happy motoring.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Thank you.

♪ Out of my dreams

♪ Just like a wave to the shore...

It's nice here.

It's perfect, Ned.

♪ You came into my world

♪ And I know

♪ Just hoping you'll hold me

♪ Tonight, I understand

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ The magic of the moment

♪ You are here

♪ I touch you

♪ I hold you... ♪

NED: Being with her was a dream come true.

I was floating.

-She wasn't like a movie star. -Tell me, where are you from?

She talked about regular things.

She mostly wanted to know about me,

who I was, how I wound up on her doorstep.

She made it so easy to talk. It just flowed.

I told her about the trip to Hollywood.

About Roy and the Dood.

Everything we went through to meet her.

When I told her about the nude beach,

she laughed.

I made her laugh.

[LAUGHING]

Then she said I was really lucky to have good friends.

I didn't think much about it, but I just went on about

the first autograph she sent, and the Bible,

and how she cut the strings on Howdy

and became my number one hero.

And I thought she'd laugh again, but she didn't.

I don't know, Ned.

I'd rather be your friend than your hero.

Friends last longer.

♪ With your smile

♪ And I believe

♪ What your eyes...

I wish these were diamonds.

♪ The magic Of the moment

♪ Is now and always

♪ With you

♪ Magic of the moment

♪ The magic of the moment...

-Thanks for the drive, Ned. -Yeah.

♪ The magic of the moment

♪ Is now and always

♪ With you

♪ With you ♪

NED: Roy. Dood. Where are you guys?

Bleuer. Bleuer. You son of a bitch.

-You went for it. What happened? -[LAUGHING]

You look like you've seen a ghost.

Get this guy to a confessional.

-What happened? -Well, it was incredible.

I mean, it was unbelievable. She's... She's the most incredible woman.

She's... She's not at all like her films, you know?

She was actually flattered that we found her so attractive.

Wait a minute. Before you tell me anything, how was the canoe trip?

Well, uh, I hate to disappoint you, Roy,

-but I... I... -No. No. No.

Don't even te...

First, you mooch my date, and then you don't even canoe her?

-The Dood could've done that. -None of us would've.

I would've done it.

If I'm taking her on a date, I'm gonna leave her something to remember me by.

Don't worry, Roy. She'll remember you.

I gave her your shoes.

Hey, what's the big idea?

You're the big idea.

Home, Dood.

I can't. I can't.

We're sick of hearing you say that. "I can't."

Know what? That's not even your word anymore.

From now on, when you don't wanna do something,

your new word is, "I'm a pussy."

You got that? "I'm a pussy."

-"I'm a pussy." -What if I get into an accident?

It won't matter.

You don't have a license, you don't have insurance,

and you're driving a stolen car.

Should I?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Hey. Hey! Where you going?

Hey, Roy. Where... Where you going?

-Sorry, Harve. We gotta split. -What about Marilyn?

You didn't tell me about the date.

-You owe me some details. -[CAR STARTS]

This is no way to treat a relative.

Harvey, I was gonna come in, but I thought it was too late.

BOTH: Bye, Harve.

Call me.

[OTIS REDDING'S RESPECT PLAYING]

[CAR HONKS]

♪ What you want

♪ Honey, you got it...

NED: Dood held that wheel like he'd never let go.

It was fun.

I'd never seen Darpinian in the back seat.

Things had definitely changed.

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ Yeah, yeah...

[TIRES SCREECH]

♪ Honey, if you want it... ♪

NED: Roy, check this out.

-All right. Give 'em hell, Dood. -[CHUCKLES]

-[TIRES SCREECH] -There, there, there.

NED: Even though we were scared to death,

we decided to let Dood drive all the way home.

We were cutting it close.

Roy was shipping out that afternoon.

But he said he still had some personal business to take care of first.

Brought your car back.

There's about 50 or 75 bucks' worth of damage.

I figured you for gone already.

It's Saturday.

I got ring time coming.

Okay.

Put 'em up.

Get 'em up

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

What's gotten into you?

Nothing. I just, uh...

Had a few minutes to kill before I got on the train, and I...

I wanted to spend 'em with you. [SOBBING]

I want you to have this, Roy.

You sure?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Wedding won't be the same without you.

-You know all your kids are gonna look like this guy? -[CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

Don't die over there.

Shit. That's the last thing I'm gonna do.

Don't get crazy.

I'm gonna miss you, Roy.

Thanks for getting me out of town.

Um, give 'em some heat.

Yeah.

CONDUCTOR: All aboard.

NED: I was gonna miss him.

Roy was the kind of guy who pushed you into life.

He forced us to become men a little faster.

I kind of felt sorry for the Army, though.

God, they were actually gonna give Roy a gun.

REPORTER [ON RADIO]: The Dodgers trounce the Mets 10-to-2.

The present temperature is 88 degrees,

and the relative humidity is 48.

And the wind is calm.

Sad news from Hollywood today.

Screen star Marilyn Monroe was found dead this morning in her Brentwood home.

Thirty-six-year-old actress was discovered by her housekeeper,

the apparent victim of an overdose of sleeping pills.

The suicide is a tragic end to a glamorous career.

Miss Monroe was beloved the world over,

and received over 5,000 fan letters a week.

In a recent interview, the star was quoted as saying

that she "never knew happiness as a child,

"and therefore never took it for granted as an adult."

Sad, the world mourns the passing of Marilyn Monroe.

Dead at 36.

NED: When Marilyn said I was lucky to have friends, she was right.

I did have good friends.

The best.

But it seemed unlikely I'd make any new ones.

What was wrong with me?

I could kiss a movie star,

but I couldn't say one word to this girl.

I'm glad Roy wasn't there to witness the big cop-out.

He would've been all over me.

Bleuer, you gotta go for it.

-No guts, no glory. -Come on, one more.

And then I thought, what the hell?

You can't rub BenGay on a heartache.

[ALL TALKING]

GUY: Get her in there. Let's go.

How many so far?

Um... Uh... You're 11, I think.

Well, uh, under the circumstances, I'm, uh, Ned.

Ned Bleuer.

I'm Melissa Smock.

Smock? Oh, uh... Uh...

-Smock. -[GIGGLES]

NED: So I made a date with Miss Smock.

That was brave.

Just saying her name is brave.

I got a letter from Roy the other day, which shocked me.

Who knew he could read or write?

He said he was thinking about the summer,

and realized that the thing about it

was it never would have happened if we didn't show up.

You know what scares me?

I understand him.

And even more, I think he's right.

Nothing ever happens if you don't show up.

♪ Love can be a shame

♪ I know of a fool you see

♪ For that fool is me

♪ Tell me why...

You poor, poor boy.

Welcome to Hollywood, fellas.

♪ Why do birds sing...

Oh, no.

She's my mother.

♪ Why do they fall in love...

Marilyn.

Did you ever hear of a rich pole vaulter?

What does that mean?

I just wanna lay on top of you and see where it goes from there.

Boy. You haven't had much experience with women, have you?

Run, Roy. It's a better plan.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

-Dood, what? -[WHINING]

-Roy, Roy, Roy. -Unjinxed.

[MOOS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I'm not good at a cow.

A girl like I, almost never gets to meet really interesting men.

Jackpot.

Wow.

I knew she'd call.

Marilyn.

Ha.

Why don't you just take her, Bleuer?

Good evening, ma'am. Happy motoring.

BOTH: Bye, Harve.

There, there, there.

♪ Why do fools

♪ Fall in love?

♪ Why do fools

♪ Fall in love?

♪ Why do birds sing so gay?

♪ And lovers await the break of day

♪ Why do they fall in love?

♪ Why does the rain fall from up above?

♪ Why do fools fall in love?

♪ Why do they fall in love?

♪ Why does my heart skip a crazy beat?

♪ Before I know

♪ It will reach defeat

♪ Tell me why

♪ Oh, tell me

♪ Tell me

♪ Tell me why Oh, tell me

♪ Tell me why

♪ Tell me why

♪ Oh, oh, yeah We got it goin' on

♪ Oh, oh, yeah We got it goin' on

♪ Oh, oh, yeah We got it goin' on

♪ Oh, oh, yeah We got it goin' on

♪ Oh, tell me Tell me

♪ Oh, tell me

♪ Tell me

♪ Why do they? ♪