Original subtitles

2 (QUIRKY MUSIC)

I need an 'X'.

No 'X'.

Uh, a 'C' and a 'S'.

Or a 'K' and an 'S'.

Whoa! Whoa! Don't let go.

You're fine.

I have a 'K'.

Yeah!

And a 'C'.

Yeah!

Hey.

"God should pay taxis."

People will get it.

(QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

Uh...

No, they won't.

(CAR APPROACHES, HORN BEEPS)

Uh... Just be cool. Stay cool.

-(CAR HORN BEEPS) -Hey!

(KEYS JINGLE)

(OLY WHISPERS) Oh, shit.

Oh, thank God!

I think my key is broken.

-What time do you call this? -How was J?

She was an actual angel.

Madison, I assume?

How was the gig?

Boring. We ended up going on a crime spree instead.

Drink?

Hi. I'm...

-(SIGHS) -Michael.

It's OK. You're not gonna get fired.

Fired for what?

Sleeping with his students.

Uh...student singular.

I'm...I'm only sleeping with...

Really?

You realise that's incredibly unethical, dude.

You're in a position of power

and you're taking advantage of my little sister here.

Are we gonna have a problem?

MICHAEL: Um, are we?

Bowie!

I'm joking!

It's a joke. It's a silly joke.

Get in here. Come on, man. Nothing but love.

Nothing but... Mwah!

Welcome to the family, brother.

Ohhh!

Hey, uh...

(CHUCKLES)

So is that something you usually do?

Deface churches?

-Most nights, yeah. -Wow.

It's kinda hot.

What's hot?

The fact that Australian churches

earn a combined yearly income of over $30 billion

and yet still have the audacity to call themselves charities?

Uh, yeah.

-Can you two shut up? -OLY: Sorry.

MICHAEL: Um... (CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna go, OK.

You OK?

-(OLY GULPS) -MICHAEL: Whoa!

-(THUD!) -MADISON: Oh, for fuck's sake!

-MICHAEL: Sorry. -(OLY VOMITS)

(DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE)

-(OLY DRY-RETCHES) -Hey, Ol. I gotta go.

I have a really bad feeling it's one of my stepkids' birthdays.

(OLY SIGHS, THEN VOMITS)

Mummy's fine. Sometimes too much fun makes you spew.

-'Bye, tiny legend. -'Bye.

(OLY VOMITS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oly, I worry.

Sorry, I was just...vomiting.

Sorpresa! I have books for you!

-What do you say? -Gracias.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Now go. Have some fun!

Let me guess. You're worried about...

I worry about Santiago.

He's too porfiado...

How you say? Proud, stubborn.

..to say, "I love Oly."

You mean Keeks.

What is this word 'keeks'?

Santi's girlfriend.

He didn't tell you?

Novia? Girlfriend?

No!

(SPEAKS SPANISH) For how long?

Well, he is thinking about introducing her to J,

so a while, I guess.

SANTI: Hey.

If you had a toothbrush at mine,

you wouldn't have to brush your teeth here.

I like brushing my teeth here.

You don't have to drive me to work.

-It's OK. -But I appreciate it.

Do you want to meet for lunch?

I'd love to but I can't. It's J day.

(GASPS)

Sorry. Fuck.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

-Ita, how... -Oh, you're Bernardita.

Hi. I've heard so much about you. I'm Keeks.

I'm sorry. No English.

Sure. No problem.

Uh, we need to collect some tomatoes on the way.

Let's talk about this at home. That sounds yummy, though.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Beautiful girl.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, we just need to, um,

collect some ingredients for dinner.

Right.

'Cause it sounded like she wants you

to get back with your ex-girlfriend.

No.

Tomatoes. (STARTS ENGINE)

Right.

(EASY-LISTENING LATIN MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

Oh, thank you.

Mm. Is that cologne?

Is someone on a date?

It's just deodorant. And no, not a date.

I'm doing some research for my app.

Ah, the grumpy old man app?

-That's... -What's wrong with it?

It's not... There's nothing wrong with it.

I've just been getting some feedback.

-Complaints? -Feedback is what it's called.

And, uh, the algorithm might be a little off.

Apparently it's pairing the wrong people together,

which is ridiculous.

So you're meeting the wrong people?

That's right. No.

I'm merely going undercover

to monitor the user experience of my company.

Right. Sure.

You know there's nothing weird to want a friend, Dom.

A lot of men...get lonely at your age.

Yeah, but I'm an island, so I don't need anyone.

Ooh. That might be him. Hi.

Just a latte with a half-sugar, please.

-Paul. -Dom.

-How are you? -Good.

(QUIRKY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

(COFFEE STEAMER HISSES IN BACKGROUND)

SANTI: How's it going?

Do this one.

SANTI: OK.

Let me see.

(RELAXED MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY)

What is it? What did we draw?

We drew... Dah-dah!

A robot on a surfboard.

Oat latte for Keeks?

-Hey! -Hi. Oh.

-Um... -Um...

-J, this...this is, um... -Deb...borah. Debbie.

Debber...son. I'm...I'm Debbie Debberson.

Hi. Pancakes. Yum.

Oat latte for Keeks?

Well, uh, great to see you... meet you, Santi.

And I'll speak to you soon.

Uh...

-Or not. -Yeah.

-(WHISPERS) Sorry. -Just...just...

Apparently his mum dressed him as a girl

when he was a kid, which I find absolutely hilarious

that there are generations

of confused sensitive guys out there

who thought they'd finally found their model of fighting,

fucking, shooting, writerly masculinity.

You know, my dad certainly did.

But, you know, behind closed doors,

it was all about the feminine for him.

You know, Hemingway I'm talking about, not my dad.

Right.

So who was Hemingway?

He... Never mind.

OLY: Do-do-do!

What a beautiful afternoon in our village.

Yes. We are all so happy here.

Nothing ever goes wrong.

-(BOTH SING) ♪ La la la... ♪ -(PHONE CHIMES)

♪ Lu lu lu La la la la la la

♪ La la la La la la

♪ Ahhh... ♪

(GASPS) Oh, no!

What is it?

A tornado! Quick, get the children inside!

-There's no time! -Argh!

-Run, Debbie! Run! -(GIGGLES) Who's Debbie?

Daddy's friend.

-Who's Debbie Daddy's friend? -From lunch.

They smoochy-kissed. (KISSES)

But, Debbie, I love you!

-(FAUX-CRIES) -(MESSAGE SENDS)

(FAUX-CRIES)

So what kind of bands are you into?

Uh, pretty mixed,

like lots of '90s Australian stuff, some Brit pop,

some rare acid jazz one-offs, that sort of thing.

Mate, we have a lot of crossover.

Huh!? I would love to show you mine.

I'd love to show you mine too.

Hey, should we have another coffee?

Yeah, sure.

(SOFTLY) Ah, two.

I have to be quick. I've got to go to an appointment.

Whereabouts are you off to?

I've got to meet my parole officer.

OK.

Yeah. Shot my wife's brother three years ago.

I said it was an accident,

so I didn't have to do any time, which was lucky.

That is, uh, lucky.

And, uh, your brother-in-law,

how's he these days?

He is in the ground, where that little prick belongs.

So when's good for you?

(TRAIN SCREECHES ON TRACKS)

REEMA: And she knows you're coming, right?

Uh, I texted her.

(REEMA SIGHS) I'm actually pretty claustrophobic,

so let's not keep me in here long, yeah?

Agh, ha!

-You good? -Yeah.

Ah, wait!

OK. Go. I hate this!

Ah, stop! OK. OK, go. Close it, close it.

I am calm. I am safe.

I am not dying. I am calm.

I'm calm!

(PHONE CHIMES)

-(VEHICLE APPROACHES) -(HORN BLARES COMICALLY)

What's that noise?

That is the sound of somebody who has made a terrible mistake.

-What the hell are you doing? -Wait, wait, wait.

-Before you go mental... -Too late.

-This is my day. -Yeah, I know, I know.

But just listen. I've got a surprise for you.

Oh, another surprise?

It was sort of a surprise

to hear that you've been smoochy-kissing randoms

in front of our daughter without discussing it with me first.

OK, well, I did discuss it. You said I should introduce her.

To your girlfriend. Not Debbie.

Debbie is my girlfriend.

What happened to Keeks?

Keeks is Debbie. Debbie...

Can we talk about this later? I've...

(GROANS)

Another big night?

Oh, so if I go out partying all night with my friends

and throw up in the morning, that makes me a bad mum?

Yes.

What about all the nights you went out partying

while I was studying and looking after our daughter, huh?

What about them?

Oh, so it's fine for you but not for me?

Well, the Oly I remember thought getting wasted was dumb.

"The Oly I remember thought getting wasted was dumb."

OK. Well, this was a mistake.

Yeah, it was.

-Oh, by the way... -What?

..surprise.

Surprise?

(WISTFUL MUSIC)

DOM: Thank you.

-Back again? -Sí.

Feeling hopeful today?

Well, always.

I had my IT team tweak the algorithm.

I'm just here to bed it down

and make sure that it's working properly.

OK, well, good luck.

Here we go.

Oh, wow, I'm so sorry.

Your wife got cancer too?

That's rough. Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

Did she, by any chance, have sex with her oncologist?

Eh...

OK, sorry.

So what you're saying, just so we're on the same page,

is that the Earth is flat,

the moon is round,

therefore the moon landing was fake,

but satellites are real because they track our thoughts?

Oh, I really like you too, mate.

Just, the app is primarily for making friends.

If you are in need of a new kidney,

then I think there are better ways

to track one down, you know?

(SIGHS)

I just met some of the worst men in the world.

-No? -Yeah.

One of them tried to convince me

that Kamala Harris is a Russian hologram.

-(LAUGHS) -I mean it.

(SIGHS) I don't know.

I don't know how but something's definitely off with the app.

Yes, the app, of course.

And please keep having your man dates here.

They make me laugh.

Oh, well, I'm...glad I bring joy to someone.

What are you talking about?

You moved out, you broke up, your mum was sick.

So much has happened.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, and you're best friends with Madison now?

Lol.

I really missed you, Reema.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I missed you more. (GIGGLES)

(HIGH-PITCHED) Despite your amazing,

glamorous, international life?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Don't get me started.

It's nice to be home.

Your life looks so shiny and rich.

That's literally the name of the filter I used.

It wasn't all great.

OLY: Mm.

Yeah, uni hasn't exactly been

what I thought it would be either.

Though, I am sort of...

..hanging out with one of my tutors.

Ooh, scandalous. Mm.

Must be nice to have someone on your level, intellectually.

Yeah.

So I was thinking maybe I would stay for a bit?

Decompress.

Oh, dude, if I was you, I would run.

I would get out right now.

I mean, what's keeping you here?

Aside from your mum, of course.

Nothing, I guess?

It's funny, I thought you'd be working at the UN by now

instead of getting wasted with Madison.

Well, not all of us can just pack up and run away

whenever we want.

Well, I should go.

Oh, and I'm having this welcome-back thing

on Saturday in the park.

You should come, if you can.

Bring your professor.

Tutor.

Dunno that you deserve it, though.

(KEEKS CHUCKLES)

TEENAGER: What about that politician?

-George Anabasis? -(PHONE CHIMES)

MAN: Anabasis?

What about him?

TEENAGER: Oh, you know, just the way

him and the anti-fasc are gonna be there tonight.

But I...I can see you're busy.

-Bad news? -Uh, no.

It's just a school friend's

having, like, a welcome-back picnic thing.

-Fun. -Yeah.

Oly will be there?

I don't know. Probably.

You should go.

I don't even want to come. It's too early anyway.

Too early to what?

Introduce you to my friends?

Yeah, I wouldn't want you meeting my friends. As if.

Well, would you want to come?

No!

What if I begged?

I thought you weren't going.

I'd go if you came.

The thing is, Santi,

if there's one thing Debbie Debberson hates, it's picnics.

Ah!

I guess I still have so much to learn

about Debbie Debberson then, don't I?

You haven't even scratched the surface of Debbie.

Go to the picnic. See your friends.

Try to remember how to have fun.

(DELICATE MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

And, uh, you're sure none of your friends

know that I'm your tutor, right?

-Yeah. -Good.

So, uh, how did we... How did we meet? (CHUCKLES) Uh...

Uh, I don't know. Bumble?

Oh, Jesus, that's grim.

What about, um, we bumped into each other at a bookshop?

-OK. -And I asked you out.

-Sure. -Cool.

Oh, actually, no, wait. Uh, you asked me out. Yeah?

MADISON: What up? Look who's here!

OLY: Hey!

-Oh. -Hey, how are you? Michael.

-MAN: Hey, man. -MADISON: Oh, sav blanc?

-Hey, I'm Zac. -Oh, uh, Michael.

-Michael. -Yes.

MADISON: Michael, what'd you bring?

Uh...

(FRIENDS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)

(UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC PLAYS)

-It's a nice day. -Yeah.

-Bah. -Ooh! Uce.

-What's doing, bro? -WOMAN: Hey. Santi. Gary.

VINCE: Hey!

Do you remember me? I think we went to the same high school.

Nope, sorry, wrong person.

-Hey. -Hi.

Ah, you still smell the same.

Thank you?

And you grew a moustache?

Yeah. What, you don't like it?

No, it's... It's nice.

I think it's really hot.

And you brought your...cousin?

-Classic. -Girlfriend. I'm Ayesha.

You must be the famous Reema.

Guilty as charged.

Well, help yourself to some drinks, guys.

It was meant to only be school people,

so just introduce yourself, everyone's really friendly.

Oh, and don't go in the water.

Apparently the harbour's

completely rammed with jellyfish.

-Gross. -Right?

But it's not their fault.

Life must be tricky if you haven't got a brain.

ZAC: So how did you guys get together?

MICHAEL: Oh, you know, just...

Do you want to... Yeah, we, um...

It was at a bookshop. Um...

I was going in and she was coming out

and we bumped into each other and she dropped everything

and, uh, yeah, I helped her pick up the books,

the multiple books, and, yeah, then she asked me out.

-That's like a movie. -MICHAEL: Mm.

Or real life. Yeah.

Yeah, look, I mean, it's cute.

Not as cute as nearly asphyxiating

in the back of a ute.

-I mean, that's next level. -Huh?

Your best friend, Reema.

She, like, surprised you 10 minutes ago.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's how you make an entrance.

Yeah, that was... That was pretty amazing.

Now that I think about it.

Hey, Mads, my mate said she saw you the other night.

You were hanging around, like, a church or something?

Not hanging around. Vandalising.

Oh, no.

Tell your mate Oly's tutor, who she's fucking,

made us vandalise a church.

-Didn't you, Michael? -Hold on, you're her tutor?

No. I'm a bookshop worker.

Thanks.

Whoa, slow down. There's ketamine in there.

-OK. -Alright, go, go, go.

MADISON: Oh, my God, I love smelly cheese.

ZAC: Michael.

Ah, clink, clink, clink.

-Hey, everyone! Hey! -GUESTS: Hey.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Erm, I just wanted to say

thank you all ever so much for coming.

(NORMALLY) As you all know, I went overseas to find myself.

And I did. And she's amazing.

But what I didn't realise was how much I would miss this.

I think sometimes you have to make new friends to realise,

"Oh, no, maybe my old friends are better."

Even if we've changed.

Anyways, I'm not gonna be in town for much longer,

so everybody think of one nice thing to say to me.

Be specific.

-(GUESTS CHUCKLE) -Crowd goes wild.

(GUESTS CHEER)

I never thought I'd be back here.

I thought I was leaving forever.

Yeah. I never thought I'd donate my sperm to Talia, but I did.

Life's crazy, huh?

What?

Yeah, nah, Talia and her girlfriend

asked me for some help and I said yes.

Did you?

How cool.

To have a baby with Talia.

Talia's girlfriend.

Talia's girlfriend.

How absolutely exciting.

You reckon?

You're the only person I've told so far.

-You haven't told Alicia? -Ayesha.

No. It's early days, so...

Wow. That's great.

That's great.

If that's what you want.

It's easy for me.

It'll make them happy.

I dropped out of uni. And I got divorced.

Ouch. Really?

Yeah.

That's intense.

It's good. I mean, it's not good.

But it's good.

Really?

Yeah.

It turns out doing everything you're supposed to do

and getting everything you wanted can suck.

So...is that why you're not going back?

Who told you I'm not going back?

Don't tell anyone.

Oly's lucky to have you.

Not everyone gets a Reema.

That's true. She is lucky.

(OLY LAUGHS)

God, she's a bad drunk.

(MELANCHOLY ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)

SONG: ♪ Who are you to ask for anything more?

♪ Do you wait for your dancing lessons

♪ To be sent from God?

-♪ You'd like his light... ♪ -Hey, Olympia!

(ALL GASP)

Did you just throw a jellyfish at me?

-I don't know. Did I? -Um, jellyfish fight?

Is that a thing? Are you guys crazy?

(ALL SQUEAL PLAYFULLY)

♪ ..enough... ♪

MICHAEL: I got you!

♪ You'd like a light to shine on you

♪ And every book you take

♪ And you dust off from the shelf

♪ Has lines between lines

♪ Between lines

♪ That you read about yourself

♪ But does a light shine on you?

♪ And when your friends

♪ Are talking

♪ You hardly hear a word

♪ You were the first person here

♪ And the last man on the Earth

♪ But does a light shine on you? ♪