Original subtitles

2 (QUIRKY MUSIC)

MADISON: Apart from having 'Keeks' as a nickname,

she doesn't seem too suss.

I said I don't care.

You don't care if someone hanging out with your kid

is suss or not?

(EXHALES) How did it go down when you met your stepkids?

(LAUGHS) No, it didn't go down.

The mum wanted to meet me first,

make sure I wasn't a murderer or whatever.

So we met at this pub,

things got tense between them and she left.

And I was walking across the car park

and she hit me with her car.

What?!

It was intense.

And she said she didn't see me but, like, really?

Was that supposed to make me feel better?

Oh, hey, look at this.

OK.

Stop making me desperate by association, please.

Any day now, J might be

accidentally calling this Keeks bitch Mama.

So, Oly, you ARE desperate.

And she is selling such a cute vase on Marketplace.

-I hate vases. -No way.

No, no, today we love vases.

No.

Oh, Oly, you're not even a tiny bit curious?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey there.

Oh, this must be the vase.

Yes, ma'am.

You're not old enough to be a ma'am. That's embarrassing.

Where did you even get this thing?

It just, you know... Things appear.

Is it stolen or something?

No, prob...probably not.

No, it really isn't.

MADISON: OK, spill.

Well, so, last year I had a big night with my cousins,

and I woke up and this was in my bed.

-(MADISON LAUGHS) What? -Yeah, like, I woke up and bam!

There it is on the pillow next to me.

And I asked the house party people

and this bar we went to if it was theirs

and literally put up signs,

and nobody owns it or knows where it came from.

MADISON: Oh, my God, I love that.

It's basically how I met my last boyfriend.

(CHUCKLES) Honestly, like, I don't hate it. I just...

I tried living with it, and it just freaks me out too much.

Like, where did it come from?

-I do feel conflicted, though. -Don't. Don't.

Oh, but seriously, though,

I don't have any money on me for this.

Oh. You can transfer me.

Oh, my phone's bung.

Is there an ATM nearby?

Oh, good idea. You could stay here and I'll go get it.

KEEKS: Oh, no, that's OK. I can come with you.

MADISON: Oh, weird. I had it right...right here.

MADISON: She's a major introvert.

KEEKS: Cool shoes!

Um, well, I guess I better be off.

Yeah, thanks.

-Nice to chat. -See ya.

See ya.

That was really bad, Mads.

Yeah, shit, she's nice.

-(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) -ARIEL: OK, get out of my way.

TALIA: You're a control freak. You're driving me nuts.

(BOTH CONTINUE BICKERING)

-This is fine. -That is...

What, no, this is fine. Ooh. Ah!

What?

(VINCE CLEARS THROAT)

I'd just like to let you guys know that I am here eating.

And true.

VINCE: Yeah.

You're still busted. I just forgot myself.

Oh, you'll be over it in two hours.

-TALIA: Mm, we'll see. -Yeah, OK, but what happened?

Ariel, out of the blue, without warning,

asked my dad if he'd like to donate his sperm to her.

-To us. -Yeah.

But it'll be going up your vagina so it's weird.

(LAUGHS)

-Hey, my mum was not pleased. -OK.

It's not funny!

-It isn't? -(ARIEL LAUGHS)

Look, she didn't even tell me she was gonna ask.

No, we talked about it.

Yeah, I think I would've remembered that.

ARIEL: I don't know, remember talking about

how you were gonna start composting?

-(LAUGHS) Sorry. -Shut up.

Yeah, well, maybe you just forgot about that too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-It's totally different. -Yeah?

Mm. (CHUCKLES)

Ooh, we didn't even finish...

It's alright. I'll... I'll do it.

BOTH: Thanks, Vince.

(PHONE BUZZES)

I think I'm gonna introduce J to Keeks.

Good idea? Bad idea?

It's a big call.

Could be good.

Have you asked your dad?

He'd know a lot about this sort of stuff.

He said, "Just don't do what I did with Rosa."

So the only way is up, right?

Right. Ah, don't sweat it, uce.

And if things do go to shit,

at least you'll have a nice ute.

SANTI: Yeah. Hey.

We gotta bargain him down, OK? I'm not paying that much.

Just look along the panels, frown a bunch, say some shit.

Make him scared we've lost interest, you know?

OK.

Bit of intimidation.

(GROWLS AND BARKS)

(BARKS)

(BREEZY MUSIC)

JACINDA: I'm sorry. She's dead.

Maybe the cancer came back.

(WHISPERS) You can wake up now.

Bah! (LAUGHS)

You're not dead. It was a joke!

Oh, phew!

What's a PET scan?

A PET scan? It's a medic...

Yoo-hoo!

-Dum Dum! -Hey!

-Ohh! -(GIGGLES)

Oh, you little angel. Are you ready for the park?

What are you doing down there?

Um, I'm preparing for a big day, actually.

(CHUCKLES) Whatever works, huh?

Come on, let's get out of this dungeon.

-(DOM GROWLS PLAYFULLY) -(JACINDA CACKLES)

(ANGIE EXHALES)

(ETHEREAL BELLS RING)

Oh, flowers are beautiful.

What did they say?

It's really bad news.

(STIFLES LAUGHTER)

What is it?

It's just really terrible news. It's...

It's back. (LAUGHS)

It's back.

I can't tell if you're joking or processing.

Oh, dammit. I can't keep a straight face.

Ah!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

No. No, you are not. You are sick!

-Sick! Sick! -(LAUGHS)

-Off to the morgue. -The flowers are beautiful.

Mean people don't get flowers.

Mean people don't get cancer either.

You don't think it's a coincidence

that I worried about everyone else's feelings for so long,

just pouring my never-ending emotional labour

into the great domestic abyss, and got cancer?

And then I stopped doing all that

and my scan is crystal clear?

Hmm. Might have just been the chemo.

Chemo doesn't always work, though.

Not when it's caring that gives you the cancer.

It's not even the weirdest interaction I've had at all.

Like, I had one couple

who wanted to trade my old pressure cooker

for a whole lot of spiders in jars.

Were they...spider breeders?

I don't know. I wasn't about to investigate.

It's a weird world out there, babe,

so a scatty chick and her silent friend

who pay me in full, it's normal enough for me.

Fair enough.

Sometimes, uh, you meet interesting people.

Yeah, you do.

-Hey. -Hey, yeah?

I've been thinking.

And...since you love

meeting people so much,

maybe you'd be up for meeting J.

If...if you wanted to.

Meet J?

Yeah.

Excuse me, are you making this official?

Are you saying we weren't already official?

I'm not saying anything.

But, yeah, of course. I'd love to meet her.

And I promise I won't turn into an evil wicked stepmother.

Well, at least not straightaway.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

(KEEKS CHUCKLES)

Papi, watch me!

I'm watching, puchita. Doing great.

-Hey. -Hey.

Wow. You dressed up.

Oh, thanks a lot.

No, no, sorry, you look great. It's just, um...

We're at the park.

I wanted to make a good impression.

Sorry. No, I didn't...I didn't mean it like that. I'm just...

Are you nervous?

No. I'm fine.

Is J here?

Yeah. Yeah, she's just... just over by the swings.

Watch me, Papi!

I got her this. Um, I'm not sure if it's the right kind of thing.

It's a hat.

Does she like hats?

Um...

That's a no.

(HALF-LAUGHS) Shit.

-Should we... -Yeah.

Let's do it.

Unless, um... unless you wanna wait?

Won't she wonder why I didn't turn up?

Yeah, the thing is,

she doesn't...she doesn't know you're coming.

Why didn't you tell her?

Um...

I-I don't know.

OK.

Well, I feel stupid.

Right.

OK, then I guess this isn't gonna happen?

Um...

Yeah. Probably not, eh.

But...but we can, um... We can...we can do another day.

Do you want it to be another time, though?

Huh?

What?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Keeks.

Then no, this really isn't gonna happen.

-What? -Papi, you're not watching me!

(WHISPERS) What the fuck?

(BREEZY, MEDITATIVE MUSIC)

Whoa, Mum. Your fascia's like butter.

I've never felt anything this harmonious before.

(ANGIE CHUCKLES)

Yeah, well, it's been a pretty good couple of days.

Yeah, I mean, I knew we could realign your tangential plane

but this is just crazy.

Yeah, I'm very relieved for some reason.

Mm, well, this is the cumulative effect of self-care.

People underestimate the value of buying themselves flowers.

Oh, no, these were bought for me.

The universe gives us what we allow ourselves to receive.

Ooh.

Yeah, no, there's a block here.

Some tension.

Oh, wonder what that could be from.

Hmm.

(OUTGOING CALL RINGS)

Hey, puchita. How are you?

JACINDA: Grangie gave me a bath.

Ah, you've had a bath. That's good.

But why are you at Grangie's?

I had a bath bomb.

Bath bomb. Sounds very cool.

Papi, can we watch a movie?

Yeah, of course, we can go see a movie.

-Can it be tomorrow? -But, hey, um...

Is Mum not there with you?

She's sick. She's not feeling well.

Really?

She let me have a sleepover.

Well, um, let's hope she gets better soon, huh?

Yeah.

I should get to take her if Oly's sick.

-Hey, I don't mind. -Yeah, but I do.

Hey, hey, Santi, she's having fun.

That's more important than who it's with or where she is.

OK, but Oly can't keep doing this.

OK, that's between you and Oly, not me, and definitely not J.

Just let her be, Santi.

Don't ruin her night because you're in a mood with Oly.

-Is she OK? -Yeah.

Just don't try taking that hat off.

Don't know where it came from but she is obsessed.

It was a present.

Am I gonna kill a fish with this plastic bag?

Mmm. Chips.

-I need to wee. -Then wee.

I can't just wee here.

OK, relax, Ol.

I'm so relaxed.

-You're not relaxed. -I am so relaxed!

(BIRD CHIRPS)

(MADISON GASPS, THEN CHUCKLES)

(URINATES)

-See. -Mm.

-Shit. -What?

It's Keeks.

-What? -Quick! Quick!

Argh! Argh!

(CACKLES) Oh, my God. I was kidding.

Hilarious.

Thank you.

Does it look OK?

Is it gonna leave a scar?

Mm.

Maybe in the shape of a 'K'.

(CHUCKLES)

-No. Don't. -Nah. It'll be nothing.

I don't know. She doesn't really seem like nothing.

How's your shift?

Yeah.

We had...

Sorry, you sure you wanna hear about this?

Yeah.

We had, um...

..a woman come in.

Cervix wasn't dilating.

High blood pressure.

Baby was in...in distress.

Um...they had to do an emergency caesar.

Was the baby OK?

(SIGHS) Isn't that hard?

Yeah.

Mostly it's the best day of people's lives.

Other times it's, um... it's not.

Hey, I've got a few more minutes on break.

Did you need me to steal you more biscuits?

Nah, I'm good, thanks.

OK.

Well, better make some moves then.

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Maybe don't tell Santi about this.

Yeah, no, I definitely will.

Say hi to Angie for me.

I hope she's doing OK.

Yeah, she's fine.

She's, uh...

(OUTGOING CALL RINGS)

VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Angie. Leave a message.

Hey, Mum.

Um, I just wanted to say sorry

for missing your PET scan.

(WISTFUL MUSIC)

(RELAXED MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

-I thought you had J. -She's staying with her grandma.

But listen, um, about today.

That was my bad.

I'd say it isn't, but it is.

Yeah.

Look, it's just, um, J's had so much change recently

and...

..I didn't realise till it was too late, obviously, but...

It's OK.

Actually it's, um, when you said the 'stepmother' thing.

-Oh, fuck, I knew it. -(CHUCKLES)

No, no, no. It's, um...

It just made me think of J having a stepfather.

That really wigged me out.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what that says about me but...

Maybe it's fair enough.

Yeah. Maybe.

-But, um, guess what. -What?

-J loved the present. -Yes!

Oh, yay! (LAUGHS)

I'm sorry.

OK?

I really am.

OK.

(TALIA CALLS OUT) Vince.

Yep?

(SIGHS) Coming.

-(KNOCK AT DOOR) -(SPEAKS SOFTLY)

-TALIA: Hey. -Hey.

ARIEL: Hey.

Nah, it's cool. Come. Sit.

How was work?

How are you guys going?

No, guys. No. It's fine. What's up?

Uh, well, um...

We were talking, uh, and thinking and...

..well, talking about you and thinking how great you are.

You're better than great. Wonderful.

And we don't agree on most things.

But we definitely agree on that.

-You're the best guy we know. -The best.

Uh...thanks.

TALIA: And...

..it's Ariel's dream to have a baby.

And I know it doesn't always work out perfectly.

But... Oh, sorry. I think this is maybe a bad time.

No, sorry. Go on.

You know I haven't had much luck so far with finding a donor

and I realised it was the universe telling me

that it was the wrong time.

So, we wondered if you would do us the honour...

Of giving us your wonderful sperm?

-(BOTH CHUCKLE UNCERTAINLY) -Um...

(QUIRKY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

Oh. You know it's customary

to stay in if you've not been feeling well.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-Aww, cute. -Yeah, well...

Must take it out of you dropping J over here.

Or not.

Mum, so much has been happening.

-Santi has a girlfriend. -Do we have any food?

OK, Oly, I don't need to be involved.

Mum, I said I'm sorry. It slipped my mind.

I've had SO much going on. Did I even...

Hello.

BOTH: What are you doing here?

-It's my weekend. -I wanna see J.

-I thought you were sick. -Well, come on in, everyone.

I don't want J to meet your girlfriend.

I don't even know who she is.

Can you take that outside? And, Bowie, they are mine.

I already told her it's happening.

Yeah, well, I take back my permission.

I don't need your permission.

You don't want those raspberries, do you?

OK, out! Out!

Everybody, out. Out of my house.

Out.

You know, people at my work buy me flowers

and my students write me letters of thanks,

and every now and again, they win a literary prize

and write my name in the foreword of their book.

-But... -(SLOWS DRUMMING)

Oh, darling, that is beautiful drumming.

Can I meet you upstairs in a tick?

Thank you, JJ. Great work.

What have I got here?

Is anyone thanking me in a book?

Ho, no.

Is anyone paying me?

You know, at work, I get paid, I get acknowledgement,

I get super, I get flowers.

But what do I get here?

No flowers. No super. No acknowledgement.

Teaching award.

Literal reward.

Here...nope. No reward.

Oww!

(LOCKS DOOR)

Mum, I live here.

-Excuse me. -No, no, no. You can't come in.

If you can't remember my 1-year PET scan,

then you can't come in.

PET scan. Whoops.

-Yeah, same. -Are you OK?

I'm not telling.

-Mum! -No, it's too bad.

It's too late.

Yeah, well, if I did indeed forget it,

it's because I blocked it out.

On purpose.

Oh, right, yeah. Classic Dom.

Oh, 'classic'.

And where does fucking one's oncologist

fit in the spectrum of classic behaviour?

Well, you wouldn't touch me.

I-I'm gonna wait in the park.

Oh...

What was I supposed to do,

shrivel up and die from sexual neglect?

(CHORTLES SARCASTICALLY) Oh, that's a thing now, is it?

Hello, darling. Can we not do this on public display, please?

Let me in.

Just because I had cancer

doesn't mean I stopped needing you.

(STAMMERS) I drove you everywhere,

and I was at every single appointment.

You weren't with me. You weren't with me.

You acted like you were ferrying around an alien made of glass.

What are you talking about?

Am I seriously getting into trouble

because I didn't try to get my rocks off with you

whilst you were sick?

See, that's the problem, Dom.

You wouldn't even consider

that I might have got some much-needed pleasure too.

-Yep. -You decided for me.

Or you were worried you'd catch cancer.

Yeah! Yeah! That's what it was. That's bullshit!

-Well, how would I know? -That's not why I was angry.

You wouldn't even talk about it.

I was upset that you were gonna die, darling!

So was I!

Which is why I don't understand

why you wouldn't do me the dignity

of admitting that you found me disgusting

and diseased.

I knew it but you wouldn't say it.

There was a reason

why I was attracted to the way he looked at me

and talked to me and listened to me.

What, like a patient, huh?

No. Like a woman, Dom.

Like a whole woman right there in front of him.

Yeah, with a few crappy cells,

but who could still be desirable.

As if any of our break-ups over the years

have ever been about me not wanting you.

(WISTFUL MUSIC)

No wonder J's getting in trouble

if that's how your mum is around her.

Are you kidding?

You have literally zero respect for what it's like to be a mum.

I'm pretty sure she was including you in the rant.

Yeah. Well, at least I can acknowledge it.

Oh, look at that. Oly wins again. Huh?

(DRUMMING PLAYS NEARBY)

(OLY SIGHS)

We need her to not see this kind of thing.

Yeah, I know. I don't want it to be like this either.

So I think that we should just use this as a drop-off point

and we can coordinate so that we don't have to cross paths.

And that way, J doesn't have to see anything bad

and we can just move on with our lives.

Is that... Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Sensible boundaries sounds...

..sounds sensible.

Starting now.

-Fine. -Fine.

OK.

('TWICE' BY LITTLE DRAGON)

(KEYS JANGLE)

(VEHICLE BEEPS)

Nice car.

SONG: ♪ Twice I turned my back on you

♪ And I fell flat on my face but didn't lose

♪ Tell me, where would I go?

♪ And tell me, what led you on? I'd love to know

♪ Was it the blue night

♪ Gone fragile?

♪ Was it both men

♪ In wonder steady gone under?

♪ Was it the light ways

♪ So frightening?

♪ Was it two wills?

♪ One mirror

♪ Holding us dearer now

♪ I thought I had

♪ An answer once

♪ But your random ways

♪ Swept me along... ♪