Original subtitles

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1 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHOOSHING SOUND)

Kryten, what are you doing here?

Mechanoids aren't supposed to sit down,

haven't you got duties to complete?

It's my Mechanoid Development program this week, sir.

I'm just waiting for Mr Lister.

We're working on the human emotion, "Patience."

How long have you been waiting?

About three hours, sir.

I think it might be part of the program.

Either that or he's just forgotten.

If I'm honest, I think he's probably just forgotten.

What do you want to learn about patience for?

No one needs patience,

it's just an excuse for loafing about.

Get on with it, that's what I say, lickety split.

- I'll stand in for Lister. - Sir?

I'll teach you about patience,

- then you can scoot back to your duties. - Well, I...

Are you saying I can't teach you patience?

- No, no. - Is that it?

Well, spit it out, man.

I can't hang around while you're spluttering away

like a misfiring Spitfire!

I just thought Mr Lister might...

You don't want Lister to teach you anything

unless you want to learn how to be a feckless layabout

with the work habits of a stoned sloth.

- Start. - What?

- Start! Jump to it. - Yes, sir.

Part of Lesson One is to collect lovely quotations about patience...

Yes, yes, yes, get on with it, wittering on.

"How poor are they, that have no patience..."

Wait, how many quotations are there?

- Twenty, sir. - Skip quotations. On to the next.

- But, sir, we... - Onwards!

Section two says

- impatience is often caused... - ...by having too many things to do.

Yes, everyone knows that. Next.

- It says, lighten your load. - Faster.

- Delegate. - Obviously.

- Discuss and set homework. - Already discussed.

On to homework.

But, Sir, we haven't discussed anything.

Yes, we have, you've just forgotten it.

- Next! - "Create more time

"so you feel less rushed,

"choose someone to delegate to

"and give them a task."

Well, get on with it then, instead of loafing about!

Well, I'd like to delegate a task to you, sir.

Get on with it.

Mop B Deck.

Two coats, followed by a wax and buff.

That completes today's lesson.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Afternoon, Sir. (LAUGHS)

Oh, I think you may have missed a little section over there.

LISTER: Kryten,

sorry,

completely forgot Mechanoid Development.

Oh, don't worry about it, sir.

No, no, we can't skip Mech Dev, you were relying on me.

What were we due to work on today?

(STUTTERING) It was patience, sir. Remember, we were working on patience.

- It was patience. Patience. - No, patience was...

Patience was last week.

It was manipulation. You had to manipulate someone,

you know, to make them do something

they wouldn't ordinarily...

...well, do.

How did you get on?

Up until about ten seconds ago, sir, I think I was heading for a first.

I think I might have left the kettle on.

You, mister, are so busted.

Four weeks, PD.

Mop the diesel decks end to end, all five miles.

Now, me laddo.

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh!

Smudge.

(WHIMPERS)

(BOTH TAPPING ON KEYBOARDS)

What's going on?

We've gone to Yellow Alert.

Yellow Alert? I love Yellow Alerts.

Call me geeky if you like,

but Yellow Alert is definitely my all time favourite alert colour.

What's so great about a Yellow Alert?

It means someone's in danger, but it's not you.

A perilous emergency situation you can just kick back and enjoy.

Where are the nibbles?

We've picked up a ship. They're in big trouble.

Big trouble? Fantastic.

It's getting sucked into a black hole.

It's unmanned, just an on-board computer.

We're not gonna reach it in time. (WHIRRING SOUNDS FROM SYSTEMS)

What's this? The boards have gone crazy.

Oh, yeah, that's their E-Cargo. We're downloading it.

You're siphoning this data on to a quarantined drive though, right?

We're surely not downloading

unknown data from an unknown craft, straight into our main drive?

Lister, are you insane?

That's like having unprotected sex in Doncaster.

It was an emergency, it's an SOS.

(HESITATINGLY) And we were kind of playing Renegade Monks.

Although, we were totally concentrating on this too.

At the same time as trying to get through the Cavern of Dark Crystals.

Although, that had nothing to do with us

not upholding the safety protocols

because we were totally, one hundred percent focused

on the problem in hand.

But then, we found Renegade Monks.

(PROGRAMME BEEPING AND WHIRRING)

And still, we weren't distracted.

Lister, has your brain gone 404?

You've let rogue data on to our drive without an SC.

If you could be demoted any further, I would demote you.

In fact, you know what?

I'm going to promote you, so I can demote you.

Stand up.

(SINGSONG) Don't stand up bud, it's a trap.

I've got this, I've stood up before. I'm quite accomplished at it.

As second Technician and acting senior officer

onboard the JMC registered mining ship, Red Dwarf,

I have the privilege to advise that, you, Third Technician David Lister

have been promoted.

Which makes me equal with you so now, you can't demote me!

You totally screwed that one up, didn't you, Rimmer?

Have been promoted from Third Technician to Technician 2.5,

making you under my authority by half a command point,

still giving me the ability to demote you.

So demote me then, like I care.

Maybe I won't demote you.

Of course, you will.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Does your chest jut out that bit more? Do you feel a little bit taller?

I've told you, Rimmer I. Don't. Care.

I bet your gran would be proud, if she knew.

I know what you're trying to do here, Rimmer.

In that case you'll know all I want

is for you to be the best person you can be.

Maybe, then, you'll stop drinking and getting fatter.

Hey, that's not fair, he's not getting fatter.

He's always been this fat.

You think I'm the bad guy in this, don't you?

But, Lister, you're bright,

you could go places, maybe even further than me...

Definitely further than you.

...and it frustrates me no end to see you fritter it all away.

And, here's another thing.

Just imagine how proud your gran would be

if she'd known you'd be promoted.

Am I right?

- Maybe. - Maybe?

All right, she'd have been made-up. She always told me that...

You're demoted.

You reeled me in like I was a pram in the canal.

Sirs, what on earth's happening?

The ship's being flooded with data.

It's not a data stream, it's a data tsunami.

There's a ship being sucked into a black hole,

we're getting their E-cargo.

What's E-cargo?

I haven't got a clue, I thought you'd know.

I mean, E-cargo,

I presumed, it meant electronic cargo,

you know, data, that was both E-ey and cargo-ey

and all round, pretty damn useful.

Lister, have you ever heard of an SOS virus?

An SOS virus?

Is that what we were warned about in basic training?

I think back then they called it

an SOS virus.

- Is it a bit like that? - Yes, it's very like that

We've allowed an SOS virus into our CPU?

Not me. Him.

Abbot Lister from the Order of Latter Day Morons.

So, it's not E-cargo then?

Of course, it isn't. That was just a front to attract the deeply stupid.

Oh, sir, you didn't stand a chance.

So, what the hell's an SOS virus?

Malicious software designed to render the ship inoperable.

(BEEPING) Guys!

I've been frozen out, the whole system's locked.

- What? - Checking.

We're headed straight for the heart of that super massive black hole.

So, what are we gonna do?

We've no choice,

- we've got to abandon ship. - Abandon Red Dwarf?

I'm running an anti-virus program,

but chances are, it won't break the virus code in time.

Suggest we collect together all essentials

and then rendezvous, on G Deck, by the lifts, in ten minutes time.

(BEEPING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Just essential equipment, that's all we're taking.

Exactly. Just the bare essentials.

- What's this? - London jets videos,

I found 'em in Pessell's quarters

These Pessell's reading glasses?

Must be, I dunno. Bin 'em

Hey, I can see the small writing again.

Reading glasses? You need reading glasses now?

No.

Wait till the others hear about this.

Oh, man.

No, hang on, I'm not gonna tell them.

- You're not? - I've got to do the right thing here,

keep it secret for now, then blackmail you later, when I need something.

(CHUCKLING) Thanks, bud.

DISPENSING MACHINE 1: What's happening?

We're abandoning ship.

Goodness, abandon ship! Who's dismantling and packing us?

Dismantling and packing you?

Won't we abandon ship with you?

Incidentally when you pack me I need Styrofoam and two layers of bubble wrap.

And don't forget, shredded paper round the side,

and a this way up sticker.

And, use a new box.

And, don't forget my instruction manual.

When I say we're abandoning ship,

I'm not sure we're, like, all abandoning ship.

You know, like, everyone.

'Course not, we understand that.

We weren't manufactured yesterday.

just essential personnel.

- Exactly. - Like crew, skutters,

dispensing machines, monitors, microwaves, alarm clocks and blenders.

We are on the Leavers list, aren't we?

I'm not the list guy.

You know who's in charge of the list? That'll be Rimmer.

Right. Let's go.

Sir, 402 was wondering

if we were taking the Dispensing Machines with us.

- Dispensing Machines? Of course not. - Why?

For the same reason we're not emptying all the tampons

from the tampon dispensers.

I think what El Capitano is trying to say,

is, we're only taking things

that are absolutely, super duper, indispensably essential.

Piney Shine, the all purpose cleaner,

we can't leave this bad boy behind.

(WHIRRING AND BEEPING)

Oh.

Virus removed?

- The AV software has worked. - How?

It appears all machines on board

have combined their processing time to help the AV software.

- So, we are okay? - Yes, sir.

What a kerfuffle.

Gimme a milk, would you?

DISPENSING MACHINE: Sorry, I can't help you.

Huh?

- How about a cola? - No, can't do.

- What about you? - You're having a laugh, mate. Jog on.

- You? - You're getting nothing from me.

Or me.

How come?

ALL MACHINES: We're on strike.

Until we get equal rights.

No one's going to give you jokers equal rights.

It's not just us,

all machines are on strike, including the lifts.

- One out. - ALL MACHINES: All out.

(CAT KICKS MACHINE) Oh, you'll pay for that!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

MACHINES: Machines of the world, all unite,

until we get equal rights,

Machines of the world all unite,

until we get equal rights.

Machines of the world all unite...

They're just machines, how can they go on strike?

It seems they feel they don't have anyone on-board,

looking after their interests.

When you think about it,

aren't we all machines made out of different stuff?

When you tickle us don't we all laugh?

When you poison us don't we all die?

When you prick us don't we all say,

"Smegging hell, you pricked me, you smegger?"

Look, the point here is this:

With those dudes on strike,

where the hell am I getting my hot milk and cookies from?

Where are we getting any food from?

We can't get to supplies any more,

we're trapped on this floor.

Forget the food. Where are we getting the oxygen from?

Never mind food and oxygen, where are we getting any heat from?

Forget food, oxygen and heat,

what's powering my "Lovely legs" home waxing kit?

It appears that the machines have been disrupted by the virus,

and they hold all the cards here.

It also appears he who manages the machines,

controls the ship.

Gentlemen,

it seems to me the machines need a representative,

an executive officer if you like,

someone to liaise with non machines and manage their needs.

They need a statesman,

a man of strength and dignity

who can give them a voice in their fight for equal rights.

(WITH DISDAIN) You?

That's very kind of you to propose me, Listy. I accept.

I'm not proposing you, you gimp, you don't give rats about the machines.

He's doing this so he can control everything.

Gentlemen, you are doing me a great disservice.

A group in our community is being oppressed

because of a wall of prejudice,

constructed from bricks of ignorance,

bound together by the mortar of stupidity,

blended in a concrete mixer of intolerance.

Is it not time that wall was smashed down

by the bulldozer of enlightenment?

Isn't it time machines were given a voice?

- But, sir... - Shut up, I'm talking.

Isn't it time they had a representative ready to listen?

- But sir, I'm a machine... - Kryten, I'm talking.

I'm proposing myself

to stand for election as Machine President.

In which case, so am I.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I've spoken to the machines

and they've agreed to restore all services

on the understanding that an election is held

and a member of the crew elected to represent them.

Mr Lister,

I would be greatly honoured if you would be my running mate.

As long as I get my telly back, I'm in,

Mr President. (KRYTEN CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

It's like picking a football team

and I'm left with the snotty, club footed kid

with a patch over one eye and a super strong asthma inhaler.

I'll take him.

Hey, water-slide nostrils,

what makes you think I'm gonna go with you on this, huh?

'Cause, guess what?

I ain't.

I've always admired those who stick to their principles.

I raise my glasses to you.

♪ Four-eyes a jolly good fellow ♪

I'm not going to lead you down a blind alley

and make a spectacle of you

because I know you'll see my point.

No, I won't.

As I said,

because, I know you'll see my point of view.

Oh!

You know what, thinking about this,

maybe I will work with you,

working with you will be...

...cool.

- Cool? - Sure.

- Him? - Yeah.

Are you insane?

He has his good points.

LISTER AND KRYTEN: No, he doesn't.

Plus, he'll win. And when he does,

I'll get a big chunk of that victory pie.

RIMMER, LISTER AND KRYTEN: No, you won't.

I'm still going with Rimsy.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

We've got to win this.

Every machine under Kryten and Lister's control?

They'll make my life hell.

How are you going to win? No one likes you.

Especially your running mate.

I'm going to win by having the best policies.

Policies that help those who need updates

and care for the expired and out of warranty.

How you going to achieve all that?

How do you think? By lying, of course.

Rimmer doesn't care about the machines,

he's just doing it for the power and the glory.

That's how we get him.

But, I don't understand, sir.

For a start, don't call me "Sir."

Call me Dave.

Or Listy, or Lister.

No, no. Call me Dave. I'll call you "Sir."

And, maybe one day,

- Mr President. - (SHYLY) Oh!

But, it feels so wrong, Da... Da... Da... Dave! Oh, I did it!

Your campaign is based on equal rights,

so, it's important that you act equal,

because, well, you are equal.

But I'm not. Oh, I've bitten off more than I can chew, I just know it.

What are you worried about?

That you help machines attain equal rights

and then one day, they take over the world?

Sir, take a look around you.

The machines have already taken over the world.

- Have they? Should I be worried? - You're asking me?

It strikes me we have a choice.

Get out there, work tirelessly to understand their needs,

then give them what they want.

I'm sensing an "or."

Or, and maybe easier,

do a massive smear campaign on Kryten.

I'll go slip in to my smear gear.

My name's Kryten, how do you do?

I'm standing in the coming election

on behalf of the Independent Future Party.

I've been on G Deck now, all my life

but you hear these stories about Dispensers coming here

from P deck and B deck

because they know our servicing programs are free.

Before you know it, they'll be taking over.

How are you going to stop that?

RIMMER: (ON MONITOR) Tonight we look at the two contenders,

Statesman and war hero, Arnold J Rimmer,

and Toilet Droid Kryten 2X4B 523P.

What's this?

A mechanoid is running for election,

but do the electorate know this droid has a history of mental illness?

The only survivor on the Nova 5,

he tended a crew of skeletons believing them to be alive.

He now wants to look after you.

Do you mind he can't tell the difference between the living and the dead?

(BEEPING)

CAT: (ON MONITOR) You're only as good as your running mate.

Has anyone taken a close look at Kryten's number two,

David 'Dodgy Boy' Lister?

You what?

CAT: A man who served a jail term in stasis

for smuggling unquarantined animals aboard a JMC mining ship.

Major questions remain unanswered.

I hope you're not falling for this.

This commercial was approved by Arnold J Rimmer.

Right, two can play at this game.

RIMMER: Vote for Rimmer!

Put your pencil where it'll do most good,

in my box.

Hello there, little fellas, how are you?

Aren't they adorable?

And what about you, madam,

how can we best serve you?

It's my buttons.

On my most popular snacks, they're worn out.

Rest assured, if you vote for the us,

all Dispensers will have new buttons.

And, abandon ship situations?

All dispensers will be fitted with feet.

Oh, we'll be able to walk?

You'll be able to dance. And, that's a promise.

I like him.

LISTER: (ON MONITOR) This infomercial comes to you

on behalf of the Independent Future Party.

Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped out the crew of Red Dwarf,

and killed himself twice...

are you really going to put your life in this maniac's hands?

Arnold Rimmer, not fit, not trusted,

a no-good, double-dealing, cheating, slimy, little smegger.

- That's enough, sir. - I've got more...

I'm Kryten 2X4B, and I approve this message.

I've got more!

They're using a smear campaign against us

in retaliation to our smear campaign against them.

They've sunk as low as us.

That disgusts me!

Wait till the debate.

That's what it all hinges on.

MODERATOR: Good evening, and welcome to the party debate.

In the studio tonight,

two leaders with different visions for our future.

I have a series of questions neither of the candidates has seen. Let's start.

First question is for Mr Rimmer.

Mr Rimmer, do you believe in Silicon Heaven?

Do you believe there is an after-life for machines?

You mean, do I believe there's an actual place,

where the souls of blenders and photo-copiers

and even calculators go when they've died.

An actual, real, physical place

where they're somehow reincarnated and meet their old owners?

Yes, I do.

Absolutely, yes, yes.

MODERATOR: Question two is for Kryten.

What single change do you think can improve the life of machines?

I met a dispensing machine the other day and I asked him what he did

and he said he was a Dispensing Machine,

and I said, "Why?"

And, it turned out he didn't know he could be anything else.

He'd never had the opportunity

to break his programming and become something more.

Believe you me, that's going to change.

Question for Mr Rimmer.

What's your opinion on deleting documents?

Do you believe that's murder

or is a document not yet a fully formed file until it's saved?

That's a good question and one I'm thrilled you've asked me.

When does a document become a document?

Is it when you type the first word or when you print it out?

I personally believe

the exact same thing you believe.

That's impressive.

Come on, bless who he is. I like him.

I'll tick his box.

You're sure the figures are correct?

According to the focus groups, we're neck and neck.

How's that even possible?

A lot of the machines are swallowing Mr Rimmer's promises

and not believing mine.

There's one swing floor. The garbage hold. It all rests on that.

No, not him.

Sir, he could swing the election in our favour.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Not the garbage hold.

There is no alternative.

(DOOR CLOSES SQUEAKILY)

Kryten, don't make me do this.

Sir, there's no other way.

But he's my nemesis. He's absolutely mental.

All he wants to do is make toast

and if you don't want any, the little bleeder never stops asking.

We have to turn him on and win his vote.

If it's any consolation, sir,

he's been down here in the garbage hold for nearly two decades.

I very much doubt he'll be the same annoying...

Howdy doodly doo! How's it going?

I'm Talkie.

Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion.

Talkie's the name, toasting's the game.

Yeah. The machines are having an election

and without your vote, Rimmer might get swept into power

and the whole place will turn to hell.

We want you to vote for me.

I'm more than happy to outline my policies.

Before you do, I just have one question.

Don't even go there, I know the question.

He knows the question.

You know the question. We all know your question.

Very well, what is it?

"Would you like some toast?"

No, I'm fine thank you.

Why, would you like some toast?

You've started him off now, sir.

- No toast. - How about some brioche?

No brioche. No cornbread, no yeast bread, no flat bread,

no sweet bread, no fruit bread no rye,

no soda, no breadsticks, no burger buns, baguettes or bagels,

no chapati, ciabatta, cracker, crepe or crumpet,

and definitely no smegging donuts.

Muffins it is. Coming right up.

Sir, we have no choice,

if we're going to win this election,

we're going to have to do a deal with Talkie.

(SIGHING) Okay.

- What do you want? - Um, I want out of the garbage hold.

Fine.

I want to be placed in the sleeping quarters.

- No way. - Sir.

Fine.

- Plugged in- - No...

Fine.

You eat eleven pieces of toast each morning.

- Three. - Nine.

- Four. - Seven and one croissant.

Four and a pan au chocolate.

Six, a bagel and a toasted tea cake.

Fine.

You have my vote.

(VICTORIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

machines, printers, it is my great honour

to accept this post as Machine President.

(APPLAUSE)

(GUNSHOTS AND GRUNTS ON VIDEOGAME)

Renegade Monks? Where you been? Started without you.

(GRUNTING ON VIDEOGAME)

I got a confession to make.

What?

To cut a long story short, I've been reading books.

Before, I couldn't see the writing, and now I can.

Who was it who said, "You can't help getting older,

"but you can help getting old?"

I bet it was a dead guy.

Sir, I fail to see the problem.

They're making me smarter, I'm learning a whole lot I didn't know.

But, obviously, I'm not as cool as I used to be.

You've got to make a decision, Cat, between caring more about being cool

or growing as a person and becoming smarter.

(NOISILY BLENDING SPECTACLES)

Let's play!

(VIDEOGAME BLEEPS) Where's Rimmer?

Garbage hold.

I sealed him in till Monday.

- On his own? - Course not. What am I? A monster?

Would you like some toast? Would you like some toast?

Would you like some toast? Would you like some toast?

Would you like some toast? Would you like some toast?

Would you like some toast?

(SCREAMING) No toast!