Original subtitles

[Shriek]

Aah ha ha ha ha ha!

It was another one of those hot L.A. days.

Things were about to get interesting.

When she walked in.

Her name was Samantha and she was beautiful.

A regular corpus delicti.

With a great kiss.

Cavity that is.

Something in her socket said beware.

Must've been the way they said hello to me.

So, sweetheart,

you say your husband's been cheating on you

with another ghoul?

That it?

Well, I'll be glad to hear your story,

but first I've got a tawdry tale of my own to tell.

It's about a couple of scam artists

who want to make a killing,

provided they don't kill each other first.

I call itseance.

I call itseance.

I am eternal flame.

In fire, all things begin, and all things return.

But...I am not death,

as the uninitiated would have me.

I am point of transition.

I am breath that transforms.

I am life.

In this flame,

let me witness thine image, Prescott chalmers,

my departed servant.

In the expression of the sacred taoist square

do I invoke your image.

[Chanting]

What do you wish to tell us this night?

Do you wish to tell us something, o spirit?

Jesus Christ in a cardigan sweater.

Benny, one lousy line!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Give the money to my friends, Dorothy."

The line's not the problem.

The deac's the problem.

My nightmare is dying old and broke.

I got a name for it-- monkey island.

That's where loser cons go at the end,

dead-eyed and desperate.

There ain't no life on monkey island.

There's nobody there to deac. That's why you hate it.

This isn't Pittsburgh. Remember Pittsburgh?

The first time you went soft.

The first time you choked.

Somebody got dead in Pittsburgh.

Listen to me.

You want out of this life? Here it is.

After this score, you go your way, I'll go mine.

We'll walk away rich.

What we're doing, we don't deserve to walk away.

Madame leona, are you here?

You got spiders in your veins.

You're tangling up my web, sweetheart.

Will you quit pushing?

Can you see all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Madame?

Yes. I am here.

I'll be right with you.

[Thud]

Benny you're going to blow the whole deal.

Sorry. I slipped.

How do I look?

You look beautiful.

Come in, Mrs. chalmers. Come in.

Madame leona, this is my new valet Gibson.

Pleasure to meet you.

You sound hoarse. Are you sick?

Just a cold, my dear.

Please, sit down,

and we'll get started.

You may put the briefcase

on the table, please.

[Benny] Gee, that poor woman.

How did I ever get into this mess?

How do I look?

Come on, Benny.

Tell me you don't miss it

with me and you just a little.

You want to know what I miss?

I miss the shower after.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Mr. chalmers, how nice to meet you.

Thanks for coming.

Mr. polosky, I'm sorry I'm late.

But your elevator is broken.

Oh, perhaps I should have warned you, I'm sorry.

Mr. chalmers,

this is miss Alison Peters, whom I told you about.

Mr. polosky told me there would be a young lady here.

He never told me she was beautiful.

Because he's an honest lawyer.

Mr. polosky's been negligent on both our behalfs.

He should've told me how handsome my cousin is.

Please.

Frankly, I'm a little confused

about my relation to miss--

miss Peters here.

Of course.

As I explained over the phone,

I'm executor of the estate of your Uncle Albert Peters.

The only man I know by that name

is my mother's brother, who died...

When she was a child.

Some sort of train accident, I believe.

I love trains. Cigarette?

No, thank you.

Mr. chalmers,

your Uncle didn't die in a train accident.

He was found guilty of masterminding

the Wilmington bank robbery of 1901.

The Wilmington bank robbery?

$200,000.

In his day the largest payroll highest in state history.

He got 20 years.

Well, daddy was daddy.

I imagine your mother believed it best you thought him dead.

That happens in families.

Well, after serving his time,

your Uncle began a new life in Chicago.

He started a business, married,

and raised a family.

Now, last year, your Uncle, Alison's--

miss Peters'--father died.

Now, along with his public will,

I found a second document--

details of another investment account.

It was opened under an assumed name

to be passed on to any or all of Albert Peters' heirs.

This is the account's net worth

as of last month.

A little under $3 million.

My God.

Indeed.

However, there's a problem.

As you'll see on the first sheet,

the account was opened before Peters went to prison.

The opening balance was $200,000. Cash.

Oh.

The Wilmington bank money?

I'm sure that's how the D.A. will see it.

But as far as I can tell,

as long as we can keep the authorities out of this,

you could probably claim the money without trouble.

All you'd need would be the account number.

Which you have.

And what do you want, Mr. polosky?

Nothing.

The probate gives me 10%

from the sale of the investments.

I don't want any more than that.

Albert was a friend.

Mr. polosky, would you mind if we have a word?

Of course not. I'll be outside.

[Door opens and closes]

That was an interesting story,

but I don't believe a word of it.

You and me both, cousin.

Although it does explain a few things about daddy.

Oh?

Such as?

Well, he claimed to be

this big world war I hero.

The only mustard gas he saw

was at a hot dog stand at wrigley field.

I was a world war I hero.

You have the cane to prove it.

I want to do some checking.

Why don't we meet later?

To talk.

I'm only in town for a few days.

I'm staying at the park Plaza. Where could we meet?

Well, why don't we meet there?

For the privacy it will afford us, of course.

Of course.

How do I look?

This is nuts.

Why must I take pictures? The deac's flowing.

If the deac stops flowing,

we whip out the 8 x 10s.

I think you got hot pants.

Keep the pics to remember me by when I'm in tangiers

and you're wherever you're going.

Milwaukee.

Zip me.

Blackmail got us into it in Pittsburgh.

Says you.

You going soft on me got us into this.

Get in the closet.

Cousin Prescott will be here any minute.

I don't want anything soft in this room.

[ Knocking at door ]

Coming.

Prescott, hi.

A rose for a rose.

Thank you.

How about an eye opener for an eye opener?

What ever you're having.

[Romantic music playing]

That's a lovely song.

I've never heard it before.

It's one of my favorites.

I play it all the time.

Did you find what you were looking for this afternoon?

It seems our Mr. polosky is on the level.

Ho ho! Really?

It's a top-shelf portfolio.

The investment group guarantees

a total buyout.

There's a chance it could triple in time.

It's a shame we'd have to sell out now.

So why sell it now?

Why don't we buy polosky out? It's perfect.

Give him 300,000, and we hold on tight.

Well, that would be $150,000 each.

I don't think I can get my hands on that kind of money.

How much do you think

you can get your hands on?

Kissing cousins, aren't we?

I shutter at the thought of how many family gatherings we've missed.

Shall I...

No, don't.

I want to see every inch of you.

[Kissing and moaning]

[Zip]

[Camera snaps]

[Humming same tune]

Ha ha ha!

Ah, you poor bastard.

My Uncle took some shrapnel in the war.

Good morning, Mr. polosky.

Good morning, miss Peters.

Morning.

Good morning, Mr. chalmers.

I've done all the paperwork,

but as I told you over the phone,

buying me out isn't a wise business move.

We appreciate your concern.

My cousin and I have made up our minds.

[Sniff]

Well, I'll just get you to sign the documents.

[Humming same tune]

♪♪ Adored one, I'll keep the future clear for you ♪♪♪♪

[Humming]

[Stops humming]

Is that one of your favorite songs, too, Mr. polosky?

I've been had.

A couple of two-bit hustlers.

Or am I giving you credit for one bit too many?

Mr. chalmers--

save it for the bunco squad!

Benny, show him the pictures.

O.K., Buster, feast your eyes on those.

All right.

Dear God.

I hope you have a very understanding wife.

Horrific.

Terrible.

Ha ha ha!

My wife will never see these.

Christ, Benny!

Damn.

Al.

Prescott.

Prescott!

Prescott, don't you think

you should talk about this?

Prescott.

Prescott!

I wouldn't do that if I were you, Prescott.

Please...

Miss Peters.

You're capable of many things.

Murder isn't one of them.

Al!

Benny!

Aah!

[Thud]

Oh, no.

[Prescott] Please, help me.

Prescott?

Hold on!

I'm going to go get help.

The hell you are. This is your fault.

$300,000, and you blow it!

Get down there, Benny.

You pointing the gun at me?

A man's lying down there!

You're pointing the damn gun at me?

Benny! Benny!

[Prescott] Please...Don't leave me here.

Aw, jeez.

We were close, Benny.

We were really close on this one.

Aw, no.

[Prescott] Aah!

[Smash]

[Elevator dings]

Next stop-- monkey island.

Best double clock ever,

and the butter-and-egg man

falls down an elevator shaft.

You ever hear of a guy dying like that?

Stupid mug.

Have a little respect for the dead.

I do. Very little respect.

Hello, officers.

Ma'am.

This is a mistake, being here.

We gave them our statements.

We're John and Jane straight-up citizens.

I'm out of here tonight. I'm on a bus.

See you next life.

[Door opens]

Thanks for coming down, Mrs. chalmers.

I know this is real difficult.

I appreciate your cooperation.

You can go. Your statements checked out fine.

Officer castle will see you home.

Hold that bus, Benny.

Mrs. chalmers.

Yes.

We're Alison Peters and Benny polosky.

Yes. You were with my...Prescott.

We'd, uh...

We'd like to give you this.

Give me what?

I'm sorry, my dear. I'm blind.

Oh, uh...

It's his cane.

Thank you, my dear.

Prescott mentioned you to me.

Something about a long-lost relative.

Yes.

I want you to know

that I intend to fulfill my husband's obligations.

Now, that won't be necessary.

Let the lady finish.

As I was saying,

I'll have to talk to Prescott

and get his approval.

How's that?

I want to make sure that the business

has my husband's approval.

I've made an appointment for tomorrow evening

with my spiritual adviser madame leona.

Madame leona, say your name again.

You're a wicked woman.

You wear your wickedness like a caul.

[Imitates madame leona] You wear your wickedness like a caul.

See if you can imitate a dame with scruples.

I pity you both.

Madame chalmers is sincere woman

who has embarked on honorable quest.

What you are doing is disgusting.

Listen to the pot calling the kettle disrespectful.

Spiritual adviser--

now, there's a sure con if I ever heard one.

You do not appreciate the powers you are dealing with.

I appreciate that I'm getting tired of you.

You ain't got no heart.

I'll just shut her yap!

[Chanting]

I'm sensing a presence in the room.

My departed servant, Prescott chalmers,

I beseech contact.

In my flame, let me witness thine image.

In the expression of the sacred taoist square

do I invoke your spirit!

What is it, Gibson?

It, uh, it looks like Mr. chalmers, ma'am.

Prescott, is that you?

Yes, of course it's him.

What about the money, Mr. chalmers?

What do you want Dorothy to do with it?

Well...Ha ha ha!

Always faithful, I promised I'd be here for you.

Prescott...Is that you?

We're waiting, Mr. chalmers.

Yes, Prescott.

What shall we do

about Mr. polosky and miss Peters?

Give them the money?

Yes.

I want to give it to them personally.

Benny?

Guess again.

Benny.

You might call this bait and switch.

Ha ha ha!

Gibson, what's happening?

Mr. chalmers is looking a bit peaked, ma'am.

Your friend Benny was right.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, Jesus Christ in a cardigan sweater.

Aah!

You ain't got no heart.

Well, maybe al and Benny

will finally get it together now.

After all, two deads are better than one.

As for Sam, it turned out she was right.

Her husband was cheating on her...

With a zombie he met on a business trip

out to the ghost.

In the end, I decided to let Sam handle things her own way.

Go ahead... Slay it again, Sam.

Ha ha ha!