Original subtitles

RED DWARF - S11E03 - GIVE & TAKE In memory of J.H.S. SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.

Lift coming, Sir.

Come on, Come on!

Why are you always so slow?!

I've seen snails with clubbed feet travel faster than you.

The French Army after lunch move quicker!

Not long now, Sir.

I'm picking up several strange

energy signatures on B deck.

I need a lift pronto to check them out.

Just a drop-off on the living quarters

and I'll be with you in a flash, Sir.

Will you really?

Or will you really be a really long time?

A really long time, Sir.

So why not tell me that in the first place then?

I didn't want to lose your custom.

Who can you lose my custom to?

Our main rival, Sir-

the stairs.

They've been doing really well this year.

Where are you now?

I've completed the drop-off at the living quarter's deck, Sir

now I've just gotta trip up to the stasis booths.

But I pressed first!

Right. That's it. You are fired.

You can't fire a lift, Sir.

I just have.

How are you going to replace me?

With another lift from another shaft.

I'll get the scutters to transfer and install.

Let me tell you, my lad-do,

There are plenty of young, thrusting lifts around here

who would give their eye teeth to transport

someone of my stature up and down their shaft.

Tell all lifts we're interviewing for a new position in Shaft 14.

All applicants must be prepared to travel.

Only lifts need apply.

Come on.

Lights!

Lister, you've been in my bunk for two days now.

Are you still hung over?

Go away, Rimmer. Turn off the lights.

Look, we've come across a space station,

tech glitch in Sector Three,

there's an asteroid storm heading for it,

it will be toast in five hours!

Let's go!

Gimme a break, Rimmer.

I've been in bed for two days.

I need to freshen up.

All right.

Good to go! Come on!

What kind of space station is it, Krytes?

Any idea?

Well I don't recognize it, Sir,

but I must confess I did delete

some files off my hard drive this morning

to create more memory.

Really? Is that safe?

Oh, have no fear, Sir.

I only trashed information I consider frivolous and idiotic.

Without checking with me first?

And you are...?

Go into your trash, you mental moron,

and un-delete the Rimmer folder.

You must have dumped me in there by mistake.

That's highly unlikely, whoever you are,

but I'll check anyway.

Oh!

There's a folder in here

marked "Captain Bollocks".

Could that be you?

Captain Bollocks?

Is that what you call me behind my back?

To your face too, when you're snoozing!

Just dragging it out of the bin and reinstalling.

Oh, Sir!

I'm so sorry!

How could I possibly...

Yes! All right, moving on.

Calling you Captain Bollocks!

Especially behind your back,

and probably sniggering about it too -

how could you not take offense?!

Kryten, please. Let's move on.

Captain Bollocks! Really?!

It's disrespectful and downright offensive, Sir.

Just assure me I'm fully reinstalled.

Rest assured, Sir.

You now have pride of place in my "R" section.

Alongside "ringworm" and "rim shot", Sir.

Now remember, Sirs.

The asteroid storm will destroy the station

in five hours.

Look, let's split up into pairs.

It will make things a whole lot quicker.

As acting superior officer, I naturally get first choice.

Don't want you.

Don't want you.

Why is there no one good here?

You get more choice in an Amish barbers.

Kryten,

You're with me. Let's move, people.

If they ever decide to recognize service to toss pottery,

he'll be a Hall of Famer.

I wonder why it's called "Asclepius".

Ah. Presumably after the Greek god of medicine, Sir.

Well, there's that. Obviously.

Obviously that. Yes, obviously.

You think it's that obvious?

Skeleton!

Check it out.

My bet?

It's dead.

Why do skeletons never wear any clothes?

No wonder they all die.

Probably pneumonia.

All right, Male. Caucasian. Thirty one.

And according to this, he was a Colonel Club cardholder -

one chicken stamp away from a free Family Fun bucket.

Man that thing's accurate!

It's weird.

The DNA,

on this knife handle,

is identical,

to the DNA in the body.

Meaning this dude stabbed himself in the back?

Why would anyone do that?!

Hey.

Some notes here. Might give us a clue.

If memory serves, Sir, Asclepius was a medi-bot,

created in the late 23rd century,

programed to perform all the procedures,

both physical and mental on

all known living organisms -

the cutting-edge of droid technology.

Looks like something out of an old sci-fi movie.

It's got to be so much more advanced than me, Sir.

It's got four buttons.

Precisely!

Greetings. How can I be of service?

I am Standing Acting Senior

Commanding Officer Arnold J. Rimmer

of the J.M.C. mining ship Red Dwarf.

Perhaps you could..

Sir, you haven't introduced me.

I beg your pardon.

This is Kryten. He's a sanitation droid -

mainly toilets.

He can also unblock drains, and is an absolute whiz

when it comes to embarrassing stains.

Sir, I merely asked you to introduce me,

you didn't have to big me up.

Arnold J. Rimmer?

I do believe many years ago,

I had the honor of serving one of your old crew mates,

Flight Coordinator Ronald Littlewood.

Sir, our quake timings are way out.

We need to get back to Red Dwarf.

I wonder,

would you care to join us?

We have nothing in our science room

remotely as sophisticated as you.

Why, I would be honored, Kryten.

Follow me.

According to these notes,

the guy's name is Romero G. Gonzales,

and he was a stasis booth engineer.

Ah, Mrs. Robertson,

we're ready to start your procedure now.

And this, must be Mrs. Johnson -

the donor.

No need to be frightened.

There was a time I was

a teensy, tiny, teeny-weeny bit...

MAD!!!

But not any more.

Look.

There's my "all clear".

We gotta go.

We'll close the door behind us

as we pedal out!

I can see you're both quite...

nervous.

Perhaps you need a little something to help you

... relax.

Bazookoids!

There.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Where are they?

Tracking them, Sir.

Down here!

Sew, sew,

sew your boat,

gently as you dream,

Merrily, merrily,

merrily, merrily,

life is such a

scream...

Ah!

Mrs. Biddle. You're a little early.

Take a seat in the waiting room.

I'll show you where it is.

Sir, let's fire them up and get them out of here!

Move, Kryten. Go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

He's coming around, Sir.

Here he comes.

Yes, he's coming around!

I don't remember drinking anything!

You were attacked, Sir.

Remember? Attacked!

I didn't start it, and I wasn't drunk.

Well, I might have been drunk, but I didn't start it.

Well, I might have started it.

I remember now! How's the Cat?!

He's in medi-bay four, Sir. He's fine.

And me?

Ah, the Cat -

he's 100% tippity top, Sir!

Yeah, but what about me?!

Prepare yourself,

for a bit of a shock, Sir.

What kind of a shock?

Well, if most shocks are about this size,

this shock is more...

THIS size!

You have a problem with your kidneys, Sir.

What kind of problem?

You don't have any.

That crazy droid organ-napped them.

And when we Marined our way in to save you,

friendly-fire took out the jar.

And which particular friend caused this friendly fire?

Put it there, pal of mine.

Where am I going to get

new kidneys 3 million years

into deep space?!

Didn't I tell you he'd say that?

Hang on a minute. No kidneys?

How come I'm not dead?

Well, I've injected a homemade

MTK chip into your bloodstream, Sir,

which performs a function similar to the old

dialysis machine of days gone by.

All being well,

you'll be fine for...uhm,

Years?

Months?

Weeks?

Let's not get bogged down in details, Sir.

I'm totally smegged, aren't I?

Didn't I tell you he'd say that?

All is not lost, Sir.

The perpetrator of this act of derangement

was clearly some mentally unhinged

droid/patient, who managed to

escape his shackles.

Mr. Rimmer and I, however,

managed to obtain the services

of a state-of-the-art medi-bot!

He's a state-of-the-art medi-bot?!

He's only got four buttons!

He goes by the name

of Asclepius.

Asclepius?

Kryten, can we talk?

Just one moment, Asclepius.

Or should that be "Mr." Asclepius?

Actually, neither.

Pardon my faux pas, Professor.

Now, where was I?

Ah - one of Asclepius' many abilities

is DNA re-writing

If Mr. Cat were willing to donate one of his kidneys,

Asclepius here could make his kidney compatible

with your body.

This is the Cat we're talking about!

The one with the big black bog brush on his head.

You're expecting me to ask him for a kidney?

He's never given anyone anything in his life.

Wh-when we explain the importance, the idea of him

being a donor might appeal.

Kryten, read the cat dictionary.

There's only one meaning for "donor".

A kind of kabob.

He's a cat. He can't help himself.

He has his selfish side,

But if it wasn't for you, Sir, he wouldn't exist -

neither would his species.

Plus, Sir, you're buds.

He'll come through, of course he will!

Didn't I tell you he'd look like that?

Hey, hey, hey!

How ya doin', Bud?!

They said you wanted to see me.

Cat, take a seat.

What have they told ya?

What's to tell?

We all got out in one piece, right?

Right.

Erm...

Listen, I've got a really big favor to ask you.

Go ahead, ask!

Forgive the interruption, Sir.

I suddenly remembered you haven't eaten.

Here you go.

Soup, a roll, and a vitamin booster.

Great! I'm famished.

But that was for...

I'll get some more, Sir.

I don't want any more!

I just need a main course.

And get me one of those drip things,

like he's got.

Listen Cat, as I was saying...

And some Himalayan sea salt!

Listen Cat...

You wanted to ask me something?

Yeah. Look, I'm not going to beat about the bush here,

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

Just going to come right out and say it.

I'm not going to beat about the bush.

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

In a minute.

I need you to....

give me....

one of your kidneys.

Kidneys?!

This is fish!

Not the food, you doink - the organ!

That crazy droid organ-napped mine,

then they got nuked in the gunfight.

So let me get this straight;

I give you one of my kidneys,

what do I get?

A hole.

Where your kidney used to be.

So, I give you a kidney, you give me a hole?

You keep the kidney, I keep the hole?

My gift to you.

I tell you what,

it's not your kidneys that need replacing,

it's your damn brain!

Cat, if you don't give me a kidney and I die,

think how you'll feel!

Better than you!!

You know what, I think this is all a front

from you. It's just all a front.

Because I know you. I know you.

And when push comes to shove,

you'll do what's right.

W-well I won't do what's right!

I hate doing what's right!!

All these years being together,

you think someone knows you!

You don't know me at all!!

Where's that sea salt!

Do I have to do everything myself around here?!?

Ah. I thought you might be here.

How can I be of service, Sir?

I'd quite like to see you with regard to your...

psychiatric skills.

I've got some issues with my father,

who I discovered wasn't my father,

Also, I've got some issues with my mother,

who very sadly is my mother.

Also, I've got brothers.

I should probably sit down.

But when I woke up in the morning,

she was gone.

And so was the lettuce.

Why would anyone do that to my teddy bear?

And she was shouting at me!

More talcum powder,

more talcum powder!

But I didn't have any talcum powder!

Why did she get the green crayon?

So, what do you think?

You've said nothing all session,

and if you don't say anything,

how can I ever feel better about myself?

Unless, of course, you're doing it deliberately.

But why?

You want me,

to realize the only person who can help me,

is me!

My god, that's just cut straight to the heart of it.

No wonder they call you brilliant!

I confess I was skeptical at first,

I think it was the egg-flipper thing

that rotates on your head that put me off,

but you are right - it's about me,

I've got to look inside myself

and find my own hero!

Is that "time up"?

Look, I'll see you next session.

Well, he said no.

What are we going to do?

Well I've got an idea.

How's your "lie mode" these days?

You still do that crazy, nervous stuttery thing?

Please, Sir.

I am now fluent in all the deceptive arts.

I could work for FIFA!

Ah, there you are, Sir.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

There's been the most

t-t-t-t-t-t-terrible mix up

with the m-m-m-medical results.

Mix up?!

Yes Sir.

It's not Mr.-m-Mr.-m-Mr. Lister

who needs a new kidney, Sir -

it's you!

Me?!

Yes Sir, you!

I'll need a new kidney?!

Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes, Sir.

I must go and tell Mr. Lister. He will be so pleased!

Hey, no-no-no-wait! Slow down!

I need to see him first!

Hey there Buddy, I've come to tuck you in!

Okay.

Here I go,

Tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tucky, tucky, tuck!

Tucky, tucky, tucky, tucky, tuck, tuck, tuck.

Oh, by the way,

I thought about what you said about the kidney thing?

And I thought...

What would you do

if this whole situation was reversed?

You know what I'd do.

I'd give you a kidney in ten seconds flat.

That's why I'm going to give you one of my kidneys.

No way!

It's yours, Bud!

Just slice me open and haul it out.

And while you're in there,

if you take a shine to anything else,

just grab that, too!

You want 20 yards of my lower intestine?

Just unroll that sucker, throw it over your shoulder

and stroll on out!

What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine.

Budskis 'til the day I get my first wrinkle, right?!

Right.

What's this?

Consent form. You need to sign it.

Well give me a pen. Let's get this done!

'Cause like you said,

if the roles were reversed,

you'd be there for me, right?

Damn right.

Uh, it's just one "t", right?

I knew that!

Oh, Mr. Lister, Sir.

I scarcely know where to begin.

Calm down, Bud!

Whatever's wrong?

I got the kidney tests mixed up!

Nooo!!

He got the kidney tests mixed up!

At first, I thought it was Mr. Lister

who had no kidneys.

But when I checked the results again,

I discovered that it was you

who had no kidneys, Sir.

I'm going to have to get myself a kidney then.

But where?

But then I thought to myself,

if you have no kidneys,

how come you're not dead?

Yeah.

How come you're not dead?

Why is that?

Well then I went and looked at the medi-results again,

and blow me!

I discovered I hadn't made a mistake after all.

I beg your pardon?

Yeah. Mr. Lister needs new kidneys,

not you, Sir.

I've got the form.

I've got it signed.

Let's get smocked up and do this.

What's that?!

Pre-op injection, Sir.

It will help you relax.

Oh, I very much doubt that!

Asclepius, are you ready to rewrite the DNA?

Before we begin,

what do you do when a bunch of people

think you're some Fancy Dan DNA medi-computer when,

in fact, that's not what you do at all?

What do you do?

Look on my back.

"Snacky". Automated snack dispenser.

For service, please call...

there's a number with a Milton Keynes dialing code.

So where does this leave us?

Well, without a state-of-the-art medi-bot,

we can't rewrite the Cat's DNA and his kidneys

won't be compatible.

It's like V.H.S. and Betamax -

or the Catholic church and science.

Kryten, when we were on that space station,

we came across this skeleton, right.

It was weird because the DNAon the knife

was the same

as the DNA in the body.

Could this Romero guy

have somehow been killed by his own clone?

And if so, can we clone me?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but Romero wasn't killed by his own clone.

Well who killed him, then?

He was a stasis engineer working on a project

to hack stasis booths

in order to create a portal

back into the past.

He used to talk about it with his colleagues

when they were ordering snacks.

One day, his future self appeared

and told him to never go back in time,

or he'd be stabbed to death.

The younger Romero refused to believe him,

and stabbed him to death.

He realized what a terrible thing he'd done,

so he went back in time to warn his younger self,

but got stabbed to death.

Could we use his research somehow?

You mean use Romero's configuration

to go back in time,

and take the younger Mr. Lister's kidney's

and insert them into you, Sir?

But wouldn't his future self drop dead?

Not if we insert an MTK chip in him

to keep him going, until he turns

from younger Mr. Lister

into present-day Mr. Lister!

How can you nick my internal organs

with me not noticing?

We chloroform you,

swipe your kidneys,

and then you wake up feeling groggy,

think you must have got black-out drunk-

which you did!

You know, that's right!

I blacked out,

and then spent two days in bed

feeling like the living dead.

No offense.

And I couldn't understand it

'cause I could only remember having two drinks.

But it wasn't that - it was 'cause I had no kidneys,

I only have the MTK chip keeping me alive!

You know, I believe we can do this, Sir!

How?

No one knows how to reconfigure the stasis booths.

What about you?

I'm a snack machine.

Did you overhear Romero

when he was talking about the adjustments?

But he only ever figured out how to go back 30 years.

Going back just a few days needs precision accuracy.

Well, you could build on his findings.

I'm just a snack dispenser. I just dispense snacks.

But when we had our therapy sessions,

you taught me how to find the hero inside myself.

No, I didn't.

And you know why?

I-I'm just a snack dispenser.

Yes, you're just a snack dispenser

if you think you're just a snack dispenser,

but you're not only a snack dispenser,

you're something more

if you decide you want to be something more!

You taught me that in our first session!

I didn't teach you anything. You know why?!?

Me, me, me, me! I got this one!

Is it because you're a snack dispenser?

I'm a snack dispenser!

Let me ask you a few questions.

How do you unify the triode valve?

You reduce the transmoculiter ??? settings.

Yes!

Did you know that?

No. It's just a long word.

It's good enough for me.

What does G.F.R. stand for?

Gyrospectic functioning rate.

You're right. Perhaps I can do this.

Okay. Get me to the nearest stasis booth.

There. That should do it.

All right then. Let's do this!

Oh! Before we do,

can I have a pack of twirly-whirlers?

Please.

I'm a stasis booth engineer.

You've changed.

It's Sunday! It worked!

The MTK chip is expiring, Sir.

We haven't got much time!

Tough as old boots.

What now?

We've got to return that Lister

to the sleeping quarters

and then get this Lister back to the present.

Where he can recuperate in the science room

and get back to full health.

Someone's coming!

It's crucial we're not discovered by our old selves.

It could discombobulate the entire space-time continuum!

Quick! In here!

Where to, Sirs?

The sleeping quarters, and make it snappy.

Lift coming, Sir.

Come on, come on!

Why are you always so slow?!

I've seen snails with clubbed feet travel faster than you.

The French Army after lunch move quicker!

Sir, your past self is calling for the lift.

Don't tell him anything. You'll blow the time line.

He's getting really angry, Sir.

Ignore him. He's an idiot.

But he's you!

He's "past" me.

"Present" me is a whole lot smarter.

I understand now why you were so slow.

You were transporting us, but you couldn't tell me.

He's threatening to fire me, Sir.

How can you fire a lift?

What is wrong with him? He's a total gimboid.

Look, I'll make it right when I'm back in the present.

I'll un-fire you. Promote you, even.

Install you in that swanky

glass shaft over on the officer's deck.

How does that sound?

Officer's deck? That sounds marvelous, Sir!

I'll get the other one!

Lights!

Wait for me!!

A couple of days

recuperating in the science room, Sir

and you'll be right as rain.

So I'm going to be okay?

And so will the past you,

whose kidneys you

body-napped to give to yourself.

Where would I be without me.

Probably sat here without any kidneys.

Whereas now, I'm sat there without any kidneys.

Good 'ol me, eh?

Ah, hello Rimmer. Remember me?

Of course!

They moved you down to Shaft 6?

Three weeks I've been waiting for that promotion

you promised me.

Yeah. That sort of slipped my mind.

I've got some news.

Snacky's installed a new killer power reactor

to my counter balance,

which means I can now travel between floors

at close to the speed of light.

I haven't tested it yet, though.

I've been waiting for you, Rimmer.

Close to the speed of light?

I'm going to take you on the ride of your life.

Now hang on!

No.

You hang on.