Original subtitles

( beatboxing )

* There is is, unh, unh, unh *

* Said, baby, whoa, whoa *

( beatboxing )

Whoa! ( grunting )

* There is it

( both laugh )

Sorry. Did I get you in your face?

It's big.

Come here. I'm sorry.

Thank you for this wonderful dinner, by the way.

I didn't thank you. It was a nice surprise.

I'm so glad you like it.

You're a good cook, too., It's great chicken.

I wanted to make sure you knew what you were leaving behind,

I know it. I know what I'm leaving behind, man.

Yeah? But do you know how much you're gonna miss me?

- Yes. Yes. - Do you? Do you really?

So much that I'm gonna die.

- Really? Oh, dear. - Maybe so.

- Mm-hmm. - You sure you don't want me to come?

I know you have a plan,

but I know that you love me, too.

And you want to stay,

I know, I do, I want to stay with you.

I got some things to do.

- We talked about it. - I know.

I think...

I think it's great, baby.

I support you doing this trip. I think it's wonderful.

I'm just sad that you are gonna be so freakin' miserable

when you go.

- Exactly. - ( laughs )

No, I really-- I think it's great that you're going.

I think that you're gonna have a good time,

Thank you very much. That was very sweet.

You're welcome. I love you.

I love you too.

( both grunting )

I just want you to know you're sleeping over tonight.

You know this?

You want to know a secret?

I brought my overnight sack.

- You brought your own what? - My overnight sack.

Oh, your...

I thought for a second you said "I brought my own nut sack."

And I'm not sure... ( laughs )

I brought that too!

You want to know a secret? I brought my own nut sack.

You know those tricks I was telling you

I've been holding out on?

- ( cell phone rings ) - Wait, I'm sorry. Hold on one second.

- No, baby. - Okay.

- No. - Dude, I gotta get it.

- No. Call him back. - Seriously.

One thing for the Decibilly show. I gotta grab it.

Dude, what's up, motherfucker?

How you doing?

I'm just chilling, man. No, no, no, it's fine.

So, yeah, you got my message

about Decibilly for the 16th, man.

Like, you know, definitely kind of new for me.

So if you could pull off that show,

it would be fucking awesome, you know?

No, totally, dude. Don't sweat it, man.

It's a great fucking show.

I'd take it, too, you know what I'm saying?

I never dated her.

No, but she's...

I mean, she's cool.

I was friends with her for a couple of years and stuff.

Yeah, sure, man, totally.

What do you want to know about her?

Oh, I see what this is.

You need me to email her for you and say, like,

this guy's fucking awesome and put in the good word

'cause he's a great booking agent and does all this stuff.

Dude, dude, I'm your man!

Dude, I'm gonna hook you up. You know why?

Because you're a good guy, obviously

And, yeah, if you-- what do you want me to say?

Basically, uh, Erik McKee obviously has a huge penis--

( dishes shatter )

It's just the TV.

And, uh-- I'm-- I'm gonna go turn it off.

Can I cal you right back?

Hey, dude, it's me.

I guess you're not answering.

So I'm gonna say goodnight, but I want to talk to you.

So I'm leaving in the morning. That's it, good night.

( light rock playing )

What are you doing?

You have my Peter Gabriel CD.

No, I mean what are you doing?

I'm picking you up for a road trip, dude.

- ( laughs ) What? - Get in the car?

- What? - I love you and I want you to come with me.

Really?

Yes.

I love you, too. I'm coming.

Give me five minutes. Yeah!

So are we gonna stay with your brother tonight?

I kind of want to make it to Virginia tonight.

So we'll just pop in and say hey

and just get a hotel later.

Okay.

- Is that him? - Mm-hmm, yeah.

Bone?

- Bone! Bone! - Bone!

S'up, dog?

What are you doing in the bushes, you fucking weirdo?

( laughs ) Come here, man.

Good to see you, man.

- How are you? - I'm good, man, how are you?

- Doing good? Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, I'm Emily.

This is Emily. This is Rhett.

Nice to meet you finally.

What are you filming?

Uh, I'll show you.

Come on, come on, get out.

I got pizza, dude.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

It really is.

Watch this, watch him lick the--

lick the leaf.

That was cool, man. I thought I missed it.

I was gonna go down his body.

Then I saw he was gonna lick the water.

And I thought I missed it, but I got it.

He looks like a dinosaur, doesn't he ?

He totally does.

- You dig it? - Yeah, man.

It's cool, huh?

It's so, like...

The shots are so clear.

Hey, I want to thank you guys.

I'm glad that y'all brought this pizza, you know?

And that we get to share it. This is cool, seriously.

We're happy to be here, man.

You are so sweet. I'm so happy to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you, and this is cool.

You know, Josh talks about you.

And he said you were beautiful, but I had no idea.

( laughs )

You pushed the right button on that one.

Thank you.

So I thought you were coming up here with the band.

Big news about the band is that the band is dead.

Whoa. You split it up?

I split up the band.

What I'm doing now is booking bands, you know,

where, like, basically a bunch of guys I met

while being on tour and shit like that,

they need booking agents.

And so I just hook them up with shows

- all over the country and stuff. - Do you like it?

- I'm digging it. - Are you sure?

I'm getting used to it, you know what I'm saying?

All right.

I know you loved that fucking band.

I know.

He couldn't bear to always be away from me.

- That's what it was. - That's it, too, man.

Well, that's good. Then this is good for you, yeah.

- Great for me. - It's better for us, definitely, as a couple.

That's important. That's important, man.

So is this like a road trip then?

Is this-- what is this?

Remember the puffy chair when we were little?

Yeah.

I found a replica of it on eBay,

and I bought it from this dude.

And Emily and I are driving in the van to pick it up.

And dad's birthday is next week,

so it's a surprise present for him.

Dude, I didn't know it was dad's birthday.

I forgot. What is the day? The 12th?

- Yeah. - Oh...

- Oh, shit. - Yeah, man.

Damn, dude, I gotta get him something, too.

You should give him that, give him a copy of the movie.

- Oh, this thing? - Yeah.

It's pretty amazing.

Be interesting to see how he reacts, man.

- I think this is like-- - You don't think he'd dig it?

I think mom would did it. I know mom would dig it.

I think dad would dig it.

He could use it, you know?

He could use something like that.

I guarantee you that dude never sat in the bushes

and saw something like that.

You're right, he never sat in the bushes...

- He would dig it. - and filmed lizards.

I think it's a great idea.

I think it is, too.

I don't know, I was actually reconsidering it.

I think the lizards movie is actually a great gift.

No.

No?

I don't know, you were pretty pumped about it a while ago.

It's definitely got some merit, I think--

No, because it's dad, dude. I mean, that thing is dead.

It's a tape. It's plastic.

It's just this meager representation of life, you know what I mean?

Right, I-I hear you, man.

I think it's me.

- Hm? - I think it's me.

- What's you? - I think it's the gift.

I think I reconnect with dad, dude, just like the lizards,

face to face.

All right.

For whatever it's worth, dude,

you guys seem to be on this road trip.

And it seems to be about you guys connecting,

and I respect that, and I honor it.

But at the very same time, dude, I'd love to go with you.

Dude, I appreciate that, man.

I think that's great, too, man. I think that's a great idea.

And in general I think, you know,

Emily and I should talk about that, you know,

and how that affects our trip and stuff, you know?

Hey.

Are you mad?

No, I'm not mad.

Are you sure? You seem mad.

I'm disappointed.

Are you disappointed in me?

No.

I'm disappointed in the situation.

Me too. Look...

I want you to have some faith in me on this, dude.

I'm gonna take care of it, all right?

I'm gonna get us some alone time, all that stuff, all right?

I got it.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah.

Hey, Emily, can you put your head down real quick for me?

Just-- just duck for a second. Thank you.

- Why? - I just-- I got a plan.

All right, dude, we're here.

- Where are we? - We're at the motel.

I'm gonna go get the room for us and basically you guys can--

you can get up now, sorry.

You just mostly stay out of sight.

I'm gonna try and get this for us.

Why we gotta stay out of sight?

It's, um--

it's just a way to get the room a little bit cheaper.

It's about 10 bucks cheaper if it's just for one person.

You want us to duck?

I just needed you to duck while we were passing the office.

Now you guys are fine.

- You're gonna lie to the lady? - I'm gonna lie to her

and get the motel for 10 bucks cheaper, yeah.

- But you're gonna lie to her. - Yeah, I'm gonna lie to her.

Why should you have that money and she shouldn't?

Because I work my ass off for it and I'm a booking agent

who doesn't make shit, so unless you want to go pay for the room,

- I'm gonna go do it. - I would pay for it

for three people, but I don't have any money

Okay, then I'm gonna go pay for it for one person,

and we're gonna be all set.

- Ah, thank you. - Hi.

- How are you? - How are you?

- I am well. - What can I do for you?

Do you have a nonsmoking room for one night, please?

I believe so. For how many people?

Oh, it's just me.

God damn, he's looking her right in the fucking eye.

I'm sorry, excuse my language.

He's looking her right in the eye.

That's Josh.

It's room 104.

That's my favorite number.

- It's right here. It's a great room. - Okay.

And the area for oversize vehicles is right here.

So you can just pull right around in front of the office.

Okay? Thank you.

And, oh, check out's at 12:00.

It's not that oversized, actually.

Oh, no, it's oversized.

And this is the parking area for oversized vehicles, okay?

Right on, I hear you.

Okay. Have a nice evening.

All right.

All right, guys, we got Plan B.

Um, this is gonna kind of suck, I'm gonna warn you right now.

But she's very suspicious that there

is more than one person in here, so, Emily,

you're gonna have to wear the hoodie.

And I know this is gonna sound ridiculous,

but actually you're gonna have to wear my pants

and get the bags and go in.

Would you guys mind if I just slept in the van tonight?

That's cool with me, dude.

Actually, it makes my plan easier.

I just have to get myself in there, so...

Make sure you put the hood on, too.

All right, here we go.

Go for it.

All right, you're cool, man. You can just crash out.

Just as long as you keep your head down when we go.

All right, keys are in your right pocket.

You got keys in the pants pocket on the right.

Just back it up into that spot back there.

Make sure you keep it zipped up, keep your hood on.

As soon as you get there, just park, pull the keys out,

go to the back, grab the bags,

and just walk confidently to the door, open it up, go in,

and I'll be in there as soon as I figure out--

your parking brake's on.

Close it, dude. Close it.

( man talking on television )

Dude, she's fucking right outside the window

smoking a cigarette.

Oh, fuck.

- Dude, I gotta pee. - I'm sorry.

No, I gotta pee, man. I gotta go.

It just hit me.

All right, um...

let me see if we can find a...

a bottle or something.

Go for it.

( chuckles )

How the fuck am I gonna do this without her seeing me?

Just go right here, man, I'm not gonna look.

This is fucking ridiculous.

I'm sorry, man.

Fuck, dude, she's--

Can I go?

She's-- yeah, you can, just...

Oh, God.

( urine splashing, cell phone ringing)

Yeah?

- I'm in the van, dude. - Take this.

No, it's Rhett.

He's whizzing in my water bottle.

Just hang loose.

I'll be there as soon as I can get a free second.

Okay.

Dude, fuck this shit. I'm watching TV.

I'm going.

You're good?

All right.

All right, I think we're good.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Good night, sweetie.

( sighs deeply )

What do you love about me?

Huh?

What are the things about me that you love?

I don't know.

What kind of question is that, baby?

What do you mean what kind of question is that?

I'm curious why you love me.

All right.

Didn't we say we're not gonna...

have these conversations late at night and stuff...

'cause of the melodrama?

I'm trying to have a serious conversation.

I'm just trying to pick your brain about little things.

Baby, I just... ( groans )

after last night and stuff,

I just...

I love you. You know that, okay?

Why can't you believe me?

- I do believe you, Jesus. - Okay.

I just...

I didn't doubt that.

I don't understand why we always blow up

over these little things.

I'm not blowing up. I'm just tired.

I think you've been a little sensitive and stuff.

You know what? Fine. Go to bed. Good night.

( groans )

( sighs )

Okay.

What is it, baby? What's bothering you?

Nothing is bothering me. That's the point.

God. Just...

Trying to get a little shmoopy talk.

The only person who's said something nice to me today was Rhett.

Hey, baby...

He said I was beautiful.

We can shmoop, man.

I can do the shmoopy thing.

Look, you're beautiful.

Nice try.

You are beautiful.

I already heard that one today.

Okay.

You got great tits.

Thank you.

You do. They're awesome.

And, the most important thing...

( yelps, laughs )

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

( laughing )

( pounding on door )

Fuck, Rhett. Jesus.

- Busted, man. - No, just leave him.

- Dude, Rhett, get-- - Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry, um--

You told me one person was staying here, okay?

Now, I see one, two, three.

Now pack your stuff and get out.

Look, I really want to apologize to you.

I'm gonna pay you the difference right now.

- I'm very, very sorry. - You lied to me.

I know I lied to you. I'm sorry.

- You're a liar. - I know I'm a liar.

You, I want you out-- you, out.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't talk to her, okay?

I want you out, do you understand me?

- Can we give you $20? - No, I don't want your money.

I want you out. Get your gear together.

Take your little friend here,

and take your little friend there,

and get out of my motel.

just hear me out-- I have $40 here,

which is five times the original amount

of what I would have paid you if I had been honest, okay?

Please accept my sincerest--

Listen, I want you out of here first thing in the morning.

Okay. Okay.

What the fuck, dude?

Dude, I'm fucking sitting there, she puts a flashlight on me.

She makes me knock on the fucking door.

Dude, come on.

Oh, that's nice.

I need a lighter chair.

Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm Josh.

I bought the burgundy recliner from you online.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right, right.

- You've come a long way. - Yeah.

Now, if you'd just hold on for a second.

I'll be right out there, okay? Okay, just hold on.

Holding on.

Holding on.

We can get some folks to help you get that brought out.

Just bring your truck right around,

and scoop it up and take it away.

Are you serious? ( chuckles )

About what, about the people taking it out?

We don't expect our customers to lift into their own trucks.

I assume you got a truck. Right?

Is this a fucking joke or what?

What's the matter here?

What's the matter?

Let me just check with you real quick.

You're telling me that that chair right there

is this chair?

Yeah, it's this chair.

I mean, it don't have all the details--

And you're serious? And you're serious?

Look, a picture doesn't have all the details.

- Right. - In real life, it's digital photography..

Let's do this one more time just to double-check.

- That chair... - Right.

- is this chair? - Yes, that's this chair.

And you're serious, and you're not joking.

- No, I'm not joking. - Okay.

Okay, listen, I'm just trying to tell you--

All right, we need to go outside for a second.

All right, we'll go outside. We'll go outside.

- All right, All right. - Okay.

Claire? I'm just gonna be one minute.

Okay. ( chuckles )

All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right, so here I am.

You want to say something to me, go right ahead and say it.

Oh, I get it, I'm supposed shit my pants

because you're all kind of silent and mysterious and shit?

Is that it?

Excuse me, I got a customer.

Ah, Claire, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All set, all set.

It's gonna take a minute.

I'm gonna kind of have to fix this.

- So if you guys-- - Was that it?

He's trying to tell me that's it.

So we're gonna have to work something else out.

I think he's pretty reasonable.

But basically, it's gonna take a minute.

I don't know, if you guys want to just chill out in the car

or something, that'd be cool.

- Yeah, that's cool. - All right, great.

It smells.

Yeah.

Actually, here, let me give you keys.

- Sorry, - No, it's fine.

- I'm gonna work it out. - Okay.

He's a cool guy.

All right, y'all hang loose. All be there in a minute.

- Okay. - All right?

- Bye. - ( chuckles )

- Hey, guys. - Hi.

You guys work here?

No, only...

- Yeah or no? - No.

- No? - No.

Where you guys from?

Honduras.

- Honduras? - Yeah.

- That's a long way. - Yes.

So... what--

Why are you guys moving these chairs?

What?

Why are you guys moving the chairs

if you don't work here.

( speaking Spanish )

Ah, s okay.

Um...

did your boss tell you to tell people when they ask you

if you work here to say no, is that--

Yeah, no.

- Is it-- no? - No.

- Okay. Right on. - No.

Okay.

All right, thanks, guys.

Okay. You're welcome.

So are you gonna tell us what happened

or are we just gonna, you know, enjoy the silence?

Just enjoy the silence.

Yeah, why? It's no bog deal.

He's sending it down the street to a guy

who does reupholstering.

He got us a priority on the dude's list,

and it's gonna be ready in the morning.

And how much is that gonna cost?

It's not much. We're good.

Overnight reupholstery service is so expensive.

To do that whole job in one night?

He gave me money. We're good.

- How much did he give you? - 300 bucks.

- What? - What'd you say to him?

- What? - What did you say to him

that convinced him to give you $300

What do you think I said to him?

Why are you so defensive?

I was just asking what you said.

I'm not defensive.

You're, like, insinuating like I'm some sort of...

- I wasn't insinuating anything. - Yeah, you are.

No, I wasn't, I just asked what you said to him.

That's all.

- Okay. - All right?

- All right. - Okay.

- Don't be mad. - I'm not mad.

- You were a little mad. - You were mad, too.

- I wasn't mad. - Done, over.

Mm, man.

So we pretty much have the whole day to do nothing.

Mm-hmm.

( dance music playing )

woman: Two shots of tequila, please.

Let's have another.

man: Um, uh, two gin and tonics, on the rocks, please.

Are you hungry? Let's get something to eat.

Maybe a little.

Okay, let me go get ready.

You want to go to that veggie place?

Sure.

You still haven't shown me where you work.

Downtown.

I apologize.

Let's go get a drink.

No, no, let's try that again.

I'm sorry.

What can I buy you?

I thought you left.

Nope.

Yeah, I actually went outside to look for you.

- You did? - Yeah, I don't know.

Uh...

Do you want to get some coffee?

Yeah.

They've been gone a really long time.

Yeah.

It's kind of cute.

Oh, dude, I knew you were gonna do that.

- Don't get pumped up about this. - Why not?

Because this is classic Rhett, dude.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that she's a random girl in a movie theater

and he's Rhett, case closed, all right?

It doesn't mean anything.

Whatever, I was a random girl at North 6.

Yeah, but that's different.

I'm talking about the essence of a dude.

And I'm different than him. This is Rhett.

You know what, who's to say

they are not gonna go off and fall in love...

- I'm saying it. I'm saying it. - and get married and have a house and kids and a dog?

I'll say it. Signed, stamped.

You are a romantic retard.

Fine.

Excuse me, have you seen that guy that we came in here with?

Oh, yeah, he left with Amber.

"Josh, something happening here.

Had to follow, the lizard."

Awesome, okay, he doesn't have my cell phone number.

So he's completely lost now.

He's not lost. He's with Amber.

- He does this shit. - He's gonna find us.

It's gonna be fine.

All right, you know what? I'm not gonna stress about this.

If he wants to come with us, van leaves at 10:00 AM.

If not, I mean...

What, you're gonna leave him here?

Yeah, okay. All right.

- I can't be held responsible. - He's gonna find us.

It's gonna be fine. It'll work out.

All right. Thank you very much.

- You're welcome. - Let's go.

- See ya. - both: Bye.

( pop music playing on television )

Hey, dude, can you hand me the phone real quick?

Why?

I want to call that dude at the movie theater,

see if I can find Rhett.

Hook me up. Thank you.

Let's try that guy.

Good.

Oh, there it is.

Okay.

Merry Christmas.

This is cool.

( slow music playing on radio )

They do not hear you.

Hello?

Hi.

Oh, my family.

Sorry.

Come in, come in.

- Hi, I'm Amber. - This is Amber.

- Emily. - Nice to meet you.

- You too. - Hi.

- Nice to meet you. - Welcome, so glad you found the place.

Sorry to interrupt you guys.

- No, no, no, no, no. - I'm sorry.

Oh, drinks, you guys want something to drink?

- Yeah. - Dude, I would love a drink.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You want a beer? We're drinking SoCo.

I want whatever you guys are drinking.

Okay. Okay.

Dude, thank you.

Here, this one's smaller. I'm taking this one.

( laughs )

- Here, babe. - Thank you.

So, shots. All right.

- Exciting. - Yeah.

Hey, I'm gonna make a toast.

All right.

And...

( sighs )

I love you guys.

And I want to tell you that...

me and Amber...

have decided to get married.

What?

So let's toast to that.

Swear to God.

Yeah, it's-- yeah.

And I think they showed up,

and I think all of us should be a part of it, you know?

That is so amazing.

Dude, that's...

Get in, man.

Whoa.

( coughs )

Engagement party.

I mean, this is--

- Yes. - Right?

- Yes, it is. - It has to happen.

They want to get married now.

Seriously?

Yeah.

- I'm down with that. - I'm feeling it.

It's right. It's right.

Let me do it.

Right. Yeah?

- You want to do it? - Let me do it, dude.

- You gonna read it? - Let me do it.

It's perfect. It's perfect.

Oh, look. Look.

- You need it. - Yes!

All right, yo, we're gonna--

we're gonna roll with this, all right?

So...

dearly beloved.

( laughs )

Come on!

All right. All right. All right.

There's a lot of things that we pursue

that seem really important to us

and we get wrapped up in,

but nothing is more important than finding somebody

that you love to spend the rest of your life with, right?

So we're here today to celebrate baby brother Rhett

and Amber doing...

what we all... want most.

So let's do vows.

You guys repeat after me.

Rhett, I promise to always support you...

Rhett, I promise to always support you...

in what you want even when you don't know what you want.

in what you want even though you don't know what you want.

And I promise I will never pressure you to do

or be anything you don't want to do or be.

And I promise I'll never pressure you to do

or be what you don't want to be.

I will always stay by your side,

and I will love you through all the bad stuff.

I will always stand by your side,

and I will love you through all the bad stuff.

There's no bad stuff.

Great, all right, Rhett.

Amber?

Mmm.

I will always love you.

Amber, I will always love you.

And when and if things go bad between us...

And when and if things go bad between us,

which they won't...

I will not look elsewhere for happiness.

I will never look elsewhere for happiness.

Because I believe in you.

Because I believe in you.

And I believe in us.

And I believe in us.

That's all there is.

That's all there is to it.

All right, you guys are married, man.

You can make out, dude.

Hey.

- Hey. Hey. - ( sniffles )

- That was pretty good. - You're so cute.

Come here.

( singing softly )

- Anyone want a beer? - I'll take one.

* She was...

* I had her face in my head

* When the train arrived

* Yesterday

* On track

* With history and looking back *

* Over my shoulder

* But it's not Emily

* Halloween

* Counterfeit

That's all I got, Phil.

Working on it.

So...

How come you never played that before?

'Cause it's not done and...

And you wouldn't want to share it with me for any reason?

I...

Well, I wanted to wait till it was done so it would be good,

- and it's not done yet. - It is good. It's good now.

* She wasn't Emily

You keep putting on the wrong accent

on the wrong syll-a-ble, man!

No, I heard it very--

- * She wasn't Emily - No!

- No. No. - I heard it right.

You know what your problem is?

Is that you love me so much you can't even think straight.

Oh, that's it. You're right. That's my problem.

What got into you tonight? Are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay.

What happened? What's going on? What's going on?

Did the Christmas Grinch learn his Christmas lesson?

- Did you learn a lesson? - ( belches )

Oh, my God! ( laughs )

Man!

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

- You're a madman. - I'm a madman.

Yeah.

What do you think's gonna happen to them?

I think it'll last about a week

and Rhett'll probably just go home.

What is your problem?

What the frick is your problem?

- What is wrong with you? - Nothing.

Do you even want to be in this relationship?

Emily--

I mean, why do you bother?

Do you want to be in this relationship?

Why would I be in a relationship

if I don't want to be in a relationship, Emily?

But I don't know why you want to be in this relationship

because you can't stand anything that is remotely romantic.

You crap on anything that comes up that might--

Will you calm down, please? Come on, come to bed.

No, I'm not gonna calm down. You know what?

You're not gonna get out of it this time.

- Get up. Get up! - No.

- Dude, no! - We're talking.

All right.

What? What?

Give me a percentage.

A percentage?

A percentage.

I want to know what the chances are

that we might actually get married.

'Cause you know what? I'm 26 years old.

I've been in this relationship for, like, ever,

and I want to know if anything's gonna come of it.

I need to know if you take me seriously,

because if you don't, I should know about it.

All right.

I know I always say this. Don't get upset.

We should not be having this conversation right now

'cause it's late and this is a bad time--

No, no, no, no, no, this is the best god damn time ever

to have this conversation, Josh!

Give me a number!

I-- this is f--

effin' ridiculous.

Okay, fine.

I'll go first.

If you ask me to marry you right now, I would say yes.

I would marry you.

And I would grow old with you and I would have your babies.

I would because that's why I'm in this relationship,

because I love you.

And I want that.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

I love you. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, okay?

You're so sweet. I'm sorry.

I deserve better than this, Josh.

Better than what?

You deserve better? Better than what?

- I don't mean-- - Better than what?

I don't mean that. I just--

Better than me?

That's basically what you're saying, right?

You deserve better than me.

Okay, this is good.

This is a good point to bring up.

Why do you want to marry me?

What do you mean?

Okay.

I play you a song tonight that I wrote for you, okay?

The first thing that you say to me is,

"Josh, why didn't you play that for me before?"

Not, "Oh, that was beautiful, Josh--"

- I told you it was beautiful. - You didn't say it was beautiful!

And I'm not finished. So stop.

I'm talking about the fucking negative feedback

that I get from you all trip, and then in the same sentence,

you say, "Josh, I want to marry you"?

And then you say you deserve better than me.

What the fuck, dude? Why do you want to be with me?

Give me one good reason why you want to marry me.

You can't do it.

You can't do it, and you know why?

'Cause you want me to be this dude that I am not.

And I'm sorry, okay?

I would love to be that dude, but I'm not,

and I'm fucking sick of feeling guilty about it.

and I'm sick of trying to be somebody that I think you're gonna like,

Fuck it, dude. Fuck it, man.

Don't. Dude, just don't.

( indistinct conversations )

- Morning. - Good morning.

Morning.

What's wrong?

Here. You hungry?

- Sure. - Have some of that.

Where's Amber?

I think she's at home.

What does that mean?

Um, it means she's probably at home.

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

I love that girl, man.

I love that fucking girl.

It just wasn't supposed to be.

It just wasn't supposed to be.

What?

She got really, really sad, man.

Really sad, dude. She was crying.

And I end up, like--

and I end up trying to comfort her.

And I was crying with her, too.

And god damn, I love her, man. She was the bomb.

I just-- it wasn't right.

It wasn't right, but she's...

Sometimes it just doesn't work out, man, you know?

Mm-hmm.

But I got-- we exchanged email addresses.

- So we're gonna talk. - That's great, man.

I-- yeah, so...

Are you kidding me?

What is wrong with you guys?

You can't stay married for longer than 12 hours?

You can't even say "married."

Well...

we rushed it, and it's-- you take a chance, and--

what do you-- what is this?

what?

I didn't do anything to you, Emily.

I just...

you guys made a commitment last night, you know?

You wanted to spend the rest of your lives together,

and marriage is about ups and downs and really hard times,

and you're supposed to stick by each other

and work with each other, and if it gets hard,

then you're supposed to just deal with it.

I mean, the first night, you just throw up your hands

and you walk out and you say it's over?

Like, what is that? What's wrong with you?

- You weren't there. - No, I wasn't there.

But I was there when you made the commitment,

when you said "I do," when you rolled your eyes

when Josh said that there might be hard times.

I didn't roll my eyes. You made that up.

- I did not roll my eyes. - I didn't make that up, Rhett.

That's exactly what you did.

You said-- when Josh said,

"if and when there are hard times," and you said,

"if there are hard times."

Well, hard times came last night, and what did you do?

Why are you upset with me?

Because marriage is special,

and you didn't treat it that way.

It's fine, dude, don't worry about it.

She's upset.

Yeah, I'm upset, Josh.

Just saying.

Don't take it out on Rhett, okay?

Something-- something's going down here,

and it's not Amber, and it's not me.

What's going on with you two?

It's, uh...

Probably take off pretty soon, I don't know.

If you guys are feeling it, but...

I'm kind of ready to leave this place behind.

Breakfast money, Emily, can you take care of that for me?

Rhett, can you get the chair?

You go ahead and take the van. I'll check us out of the hotel.

Let's reconvene here in about 15 minutes

and do this thing.

We'll just get a change of scenery today.

We're gonna be all right, okay?

Come on. Come on, team.

Hey, uh...

my name's Rhett, I'm Josh's brother.

I'm here to pick up the red La-Z-Boy.

man: It's not ready.

Come back tomorrow.

No, I'm--

You told my brother it was gonna be 10:00.

I'm sorry, I can't do it now.

Excuse me!

The chair's supposed to be ready at 10:00.

This is pretty important, man.

My brother told me to come pick it up.

Can you hear me?

Hey--

( chuckles ) Dude, will you just open up the door

so I can at least look you in the eye?

I can talk to you about this.

I'm supposed to pick up the chair.

What do you want me to do here?

I want you to go away!

God damn it, dude, ill you just open the fucking door

and at least look me in the eye?!

This is important! This is my dad's birthday gift!

And I can't come back empty-handed!

What the--

I gotta come in!

I'm not gonna stop doing this until you let--

till you come talk to me.

Come talk me and I'll stop hitting your door.

Are you there?!

Dude, what happened?

He wouldn't talk to me. Door was closed.

Dude wouldn't even talk to me.

Did you get it?

- I'm sorry. - Scoot over.

Emily, we gotta go. Let's go.

Put the cat down. We have a problem.

We need to go.

man: We're closed!

This is Josh Segas.

We had an appointment for the red recliner.

Yeah, come back tomorrow.

You probably want to open this door.

Okay.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, hey, back off. - Don't fucking talk to me that way!

Don't even talk to me. Where is my fucking chair?!

- What happened?! - I haven't gotten to it yet.

- That's totally unacceptable! - Hey, hey--

Shut up! Do not talk to me.

Shut up.

Okay. Okay.

I'm gonna sit in that van right there.

And I'm gonna watch you while you do

the best fucking reupholstering job

that you have ever done in your entire life.

And if you don't do this,

I'm gonna drive my van through your front fucking door, okay?

- Okay. Okay. - Okay.

Thank you.

Something's wrong, guys.

Did you hear me?

Josh.

- Josh! - What's wrong, Rhett?

Dude, this van is contaminated, man.

We need to talk about this. I know you feel this.

Dude, we got 320 miles till we get to Atlanta.

I'll give you $2,000 if you keep your mouth shut.

Dude, we need to talk about this.

This van is contaminated, and I know what it is.

It's this god damn chair.

We gotta work this out now or it's gonna get nasty.

Are you listening to me?

( sighs ) Yeah. I'm listening, what?

This fucking van has some bad-ass mojo in it

because of the way you went about getting the chair.

It's holding it, dude, and it's fucking feeding on us.

Emily, tell me you don't feel this.

I don't want to talk about anything right now.

God, do you people ever talk?

Do you ever fucking talk about any God damn thing in the world?

What if I don't want to talk about the fucking chair, Rhett?

Do you get that, maybe?

You just want to ignore me?

You want to just blow it off?

I just want some peace, dude. I just want to drive in peace.

- Bullshit! - That's all. That's all I want to do, man.

Fine, dude, you know what?

Either talk about this with me right now or pull the van over

because I'd like to get out.

- No. - What do you mean no?

Because I'm not pulling out in the middle of nowhere to let you out

of the fucking van because you don't have any fucking money

and you don't know how to take care of yourself.

- I'm not sitting-- - Dude, I'm not pulling the fucking van over, okay?

You're living a fucking dream if you think--

I am not sitting in this van with this fucking chair!

Pull the fucking van over right now.

No, dude, I'm not pulling over because you're a fucking child

and you have no money, you don't know how to take care of yourself.

Sit in the fucking chair. We're going home.

( car alarm blaring )

( car alarm continues )

( car alarm continues )

No!

You okay, dude? Hey.

What is it, dude? Talk to us.

- What's hurting? - Oh, my God.

( car alarm continues )

You guys set?

I can't do it anymore.

Can't do what?

I can't lead this vacation anymore.

No one asked you to lead anything, Josh.

I'm sorry I tackled you.

I'm not.

And I'm sorry to you, too.

Do you feel that?

- Just listen - Don't.

Do you feel this?

This is so good.

( light laughter )

Happy birthday, dad.

( laughs )

- It is my birthday. - Yeah. Hi, mom.

Oh, my God.

What you crying about? ( laughs )

- Happy birthday. - Thank you.

I can't believe it. ( laughs )

What?

You didn't tell us a thing. What is going on with this?

- What happened to you? - I broke it.

- It's a long story. - Yeah.

I got a question for you, actually.

I was curious if there was a moment

or was it just gradual

that you know mom was the one.

It's kind of a funny story. It's sad but funny.

We had been to Barry Schwartz's wedding.

And we were both drinking, and we're coming home.

And I'm thinking, Barry Schwartz,

he gets married to this girl. they're both losers.

They got nothing going for them,

and they get married.

And we're driving home, and I'm saying that

and thinking and saying,

"If those losers can get married--

We should be the guys getting married."

And your mom took that as a proposal.

- So from then on... - That's it.

Then it kind of has a life of its own.

Yeah.

She wants an affirmation.

She wants to know that I am ready to commit to this thing,

and I'm having a real hard time.

I'll tell you, Josh,

you know as much now as you're ever gonna know

about Emily and your relationship,

and what you're probably doing is waiting for something

real good or real bad to happen to make the decision for you.

And you're not gonna get that break.

It never happens.

So you know as much as you're ever gonna know,

and now you gotta make the decision.

I'm real glad you're here.

Thanks dad.

Puppies

I'm not a dog person.

Mm-hmm.

Just didn't grow up with dogs.

( both talking indistinctly )

You're kind of quiet.

Yeah.

Doing a lot of thinking about us.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Me too. - Yeah?

What you got?

I got nothing.

I'm confused.

I got about 50 million fucking thoughts

and strategies about how some shit is,

and I don't fucking know...

shit.

I think, um...

that we should break up.

Really?

Yeah.

Are you saying that 'cause you think I want to,

or do you want to?

I think we should.

Me too.

Okay.

It's okay.

Come here.

Okay.