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[brooding, dramatic music playing]

[Reginald] All of existence will be gone by the end of the day,

but whoever or whatever

wove together space and time,

they left a way to put things back together

if the universe ever faced total annihilation.

There is a portal in the universe.

I built this hotel around it,

and on the other side… is the answer.

You're a sadistic lunatic who's planning on gambling all of our lives

in another pointless mission.

I can't do this without you. Do we have a deal? [echoing]

[Five] You and Dad made some kind of deal.

What did you agree to?

I made a deal with Dad.

[panting] Why tell me now?

Because I need you to believe me, okay? That I did this for all of us.

[panting]

I need you to trust me.

This place is a test and a trap and a means of salvation all at once.

-Does anyone know what that sign says? -Yeah. "Do not ring the bell."

What you guys need to know right now is that…

Dad killed Luther.

And he locked me out of the tunnel.

No, Dad!

-[sonorous ringing] -And he rang that stupid bell!

Does no one listen to me?

The sigil is in the lobby floor. It's the stars!

Number Five! Quickly!

[all screaming]

[daunting, dramatic music playing]

[insects chirring]

[machine clanks]

[grunting, groaning]

This wasn't part of the deal.

[Reginald] The marigold inside their bodies

is the only thing that fuels the machine.

[straining] He won't stop until we're all dead.

You're killing them!

Everything in life has a price.

[all screaming]

[machine powering down]

Do you trust me?

[keening thrumming]

[Five] Viktor, what are you doing?

Stop her!

-Don't do this! -[console trilling]

[reverberating audio distortion]

[tense, frantic music playing]

[Luther] Where is she?

Please take your hand off me.

Not until you give me an answer.

Screw this.

Something's wrong.

My power. I can't blink.

How do we get 'em back, you idiots?

[sweeping, dramatic music building]

[music trails off]

["Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt playing]

♪ Bah-bum, bah-bum, bah-bum, bah-bum ♪

♪ Santa baby Just slip a sable under the tree ♪

♪ For me… ♪

Your play, Gene.

Thank you, Jean.

Ooh!

Look at Merle. Big dick move.

Don't be using that language.

What? You're gonna lay me on your lap and spank me, Milt?

[suggestively] Nothing wrong with a good spankin'.

Trump.

-Thank you for the setup, Gene. -You are welcome, Jean.

You just got euchred, peewee.

-The hell with this, Merle. -[Merle] Yeah.

Let's find another table, huh?

Game's not over, fellas.

[Merle scoffs]

-It is for us. -Oh, all right.

-So I'll put you down as a forfeit, then? -Says who?

League rules.

Walk away, and you're out of the tournament.

[groans]

They're back.

Yeah.

[clears throat]

♪ Santa baby ♪

♪ I want a yacht And really, that's not a lot ♪

Gotta whiz.

Right behind you.

[sputters] Oh, for Christ’s sake.

Come on. Don't get your boxers in a bunch.

We'll be right back.

I'm Dr. Jean Thibedeau,

and this is my husband, Dr. Gene Thibedeau.

Don't need your names.

Don't care who you are.

Cash or trade, straight up.

[intricate, elegant classical music playing]

[gasps]

[Gene] Whoa.

What do you see, Jean?

[Jean] Oh, Gene, look. Love on Loan.

Gene, look at the name.

Hargreeves!

Oh yeah. Yeah, yes. I see it.

Ten grand for the pair.

Ten grand?

Best we can do is five.

This ain't a negotiation, pal.

Ten grand or fuck off.

Huh?

[sighs]

Good call.

Hey.

[sinister, menacing music playing]

Nice shot, hon.

Knew he'd be a bleeder. Head the size of Jupiter.

[menacing music continuing]

Oh!

[cheeky, mischievous music playing]

[Jean chuckles]

You knew I had trump all along, didn't you?

[Jean cackles]

You old rascal.

[doleful, rollicking country song playing]

♪ In my hour of shame… ♪

[indistinct chatter]

-[woman] Where is he? -Who?

Don't play dumb with me, Jerry. I know he's here. Where is he?

Hey, Vik! Are you here or not?

Hey.

Amy, what… what's up?

You know what's up.

Call me when you grow up.

Amy.

[barfly] Well, that does it.

Vik's officially blown through every woman in town.

-[patrons laughing] -No, that's not true. It's not true.

-[bartender] Vik. -What?

Phone call.

Hello?

[Luther] Hey. Long time.

Luther?

How's it going?

-I'm… I'm fine. What's wrong? -Uh, nothing's wrong.

[chuckles] Why does something have to be wrong?

No, I was just calling to see if you're going to that thing.

-What thing? -Uh, Diego and Lila's thing.

Little Grace's birthday party.

Oh. Um…

Uh, well, you know, I… I really…

I really want to.

It's just, you know, it's our busy season.

It's my bar, Luther.

-If I'm not here to watch over things-- -You should come.

All right? Just this once.

I'll think about it.

[line disconnects, drones]

["The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang playing]

[emcee] T-minus five, four, three, two, one…

The man who puts the ass in astronaut,

Spaceboy!

[crunchy synth-rock beat playing]

[giddy laughter]

♪ Sweat baby, sweat baby Sex is a Texas drought ♪

♪ Me and you do the kind of stuff That only Prince would sing about ♪

♪ So put your hands down my pants And I'll bet you'll feel nuts… ♪

[back cracks] Ah! Shit!

♪ You've had enough of two-hand touch ♪

-[bones crack] -[groans]

[patron screams enthusiastically]

Yes!

♪ Come quicker than FedEx Never reach an apex ♪

♪ Just like Coca-Cola stock You are inclined ♪

Spaceboy!

♪ To make me rise an hour early Just like Daylight Savings Time ♪

Fuck!

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel… ♪

[dispatcher] You were supposed to be on Center Street 45 minutes ago.

-What the hell is going on out there? -Relax, all right, I'm coming.

No! No! My job is not to relax.

It's to make sure you stay on schedule!

Time is money, and your lazy ass is costing me a fortune.

-[urine trickling] -What the hell is your malfunction?

I got the spreadsheet right in front of me.

Top-down, best to worst performers.

You know where your name is? At the bottom! In capital letters!

Hargreeves!

I said I'm coming!

[in Punjabi] Why don't you pick up your phone?

-It's inside. Yes. -Help me!

-Do we have peaches? -We do.

-Sodas? -We have everything.

-Take this inside. -Yes.

[in English] Oh my God.

[horn blaring]

Share with your brother. Coco, stop crying.

You're going to Linda's later. That'll be fun.

-[in Punjabi] What about the DJ? -DJ?

-Tell me what you're wearing? -I'm not ready yet!

-Are the guests here? -The guests are inside.

Give me a second. The children are crying.

Touch that horn again,

and I'll drag you out of this Land Rover and disconnect your brain stem.

Do you understand me?

Hi, Steven.

♪ Getting horny now ♪

[bold synth horns playing]

Fuck me.

[paparazzi clamoring]

[laughs]

Oh no!

I always wanna look good for the paparazzi,

so this is a job for Toss N' Wash,

the no-nonsense, petroleum, and artificial dye-free detergent--

-[director] Cut! -What?

-Cut. -[song halts]

[Allison] What is wrong now?

Uh, nothing's wrong. We lost the monitors. Stand by!

Wait. I have a hard out at noon.

[laughs] You're shitting me. Noon?

Don't put this on me. I told Jill, I have to pick up my daughter.

-I'm taking her to a party. -You don't have somebody who can do that?

[scoffs]

Can somebody get me my phone?

Hey, hey, hey. Hold your horses, madam. Not yet.

[Claire] Uncle Klaus…

[Klaus] Start ignoring the rules of the road,

next, the whole world goes to anarchy.

Trust me on this, Claire.

And now we go.

Quick, quick, quick! Fast.

You are such a pussy.

Do you have any idea how many pedestrians are killed annually in this country?

Watch the puddle.

-6,977. -…977.

That's correct.

One minute you're alive, and then the next, poof, you're dead.

Forever. That's not what we want, right?

I wanna get home before climate change ends the world as we know it.

Well, yeah.

Ew, ew.

Secondhand smoke, three o'clock. Come over here. Stay on this side.

[exaggerated coughing]

You're fine, Uncle Klaus.

Yeah, I know. I… I'm fine. You'll be fine. We'll all be fine.

[Gus] My name is Gus.

[group] Hi, Gus.

I've been searching for the truth my whole life.

Then I found this group.

And it was like a lightbulb went off.

For the first time, I heard people talking about what I was going through.

-[group member 1] Exactly. -I realized there's nothing wrong with me.

-It's this timeline, man. -[group member 2] Yeah.

-It's screwed up! -[murmurs of agreement]

-I know I can come here and say anything. -Yeah.

I… I could say Sir Reginald Hargreeves is actually an alien

who is secretly grooming a cabal of teenage super soldiers,

and all you guys actually know what I'm talking about.

[group member 3] Keep going.

And now,

I have hope.

'Cause I know a cleanse is coming.

-Yes. -Amen.

[quizzical, mysterious music playing]

Thank you, Gus. Thank you.

How about you? Got anything you wanna share?

Yeah, sure.

Hi, my name's Jerome.

[all] Hi, Jerome.

I'm still new to all this,

but I can tell you folks, what you're talking about is real.

[sighs] You're not crazy.

I know because I've been to other timelines.

I don't look it, but I'm 63.

I spent 45 years lost in a future apocalypse.

And I was involved in the Kennedy assassination.

[group member 4] Speak your truth.

[Five] All that's unraveling now.

I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.

I feel like I can't trust anybody.

[sighs]

All I know is I'm glad to have found all of you.

[group members mutter supportively]

That's it. That's all I got.

[group leader] It's okay.

Good share.

You wanna hear some real shit, kid?

I'll take you to a real meeting.

[bright harp glissando]

[enigmatic music playing]

[agent] You're late.

I know.

Mustache.

Right.

[agent] He's waiting in his office.

The Keepers function mainly as a support group,

but with strong cult-like tendencies.

Membership is rapidly growing across all metro areas in the US,

as well as Europe.

It's all there in my report, sir.

What's the organizing principle?

They believe we're all somehow stuck in the wrong timeline.

Well… just a bunch of loony tunes, if you ask me.

Drop this Keeper nonsense. Move on.

I think it's time you got back to your other cases.

Ladybug, Panama, Chicken Wing.

-Sir, I am making progress with this. -Now, you listen to me.

You have the makings of a fantastic spook.

A suspicious mind.

A love of complexity and detail.

A certain maturity that most of my young agents lack.

Play your cards right, you'll be running this place someday.

Thank you for saying that, sir.

[music swells]

[Luther chuckling]

Hey, buddy!

Ah, it's good to see ya! How long's it been, huh? About four years?

Minus six months for good behavior.

Well, you better keep that up now that we're roommates.

The only reason I called you is because I need a fixed address for my probation,

and the feds seized my apartment.

Well, whatever the reason, the universe brought us together,

and I think that's fun.

Come on. Let's go.

[Allison] Claire? Klaus?

Anybody home?

Hello?

[reporter on TV] Another catastrophic weather event.

You do realize that we have a TV upstairs, right?

Hey, Klaus, are you going to the thing today?

What thing?

Diego and Lila's thing. It's little Grace's birthday party.

-Not a chance. -Please?

I need somebody to take Claire. She's sleeping over at her cousins'.

-I'm not going. -Yes, you are.

Allison, attending an all-day event

with problematic family members and alcoholic beverages?

I mean, that's a one-way ticket to "Trigger Town, USA," if you ask me.

I'm just gonna stay down here in my room.

Okay. Klaus?

Yes.

You have been sober for three years. Give yourself a little credit, all right?

You can handle this.

Your faith in me is very undeserved. But, hey, why don't you take Claire Bear?

I can't. I have a big callback tomorrow. I need to prepare.

Oh, which one again?

-The Wichita PD pilot. -[Klaus gasps sarcastically]

Wichita PD.

Sounds gripping.

It's a really big part, Claire, and it's between me and one other woman.

This is important. I can't keep doing laundry detergent commercials.

All right. Fine. But you owe me, big-time.

Thank you. Lunch. Come on.

Not hungry.

You never eat.

-Like you give a shit. -Whoa!

Excuse me! Claire!

Claire!

Would it make you feel better to remind you

that we were exactly like that at her age?

No.

[eccentric, whimsical music playing]

[brakes screech]

[engine popping, creaking]

-Where the hell are we? -Come on. I got a surprise for you.

It's a, uh, little welcome-home gift.

[engine clangs]

[steam hissing]

Yeah, don't worry about it.

[chipper electronic music playing]

-No, no, no! -Oh, come on. Don't be such a sourpuss.

Look, it'll be good for you to reconnect with the family after all these years.

Hey, this is not my family. My family's dead.

Remember? The Sparrows?

Fine.

Either come inside,

or I'm gonna tell your parole officer you missed your curfew.

You have to at least stay for cake. No one leaves before cake, Ben.

[chipper pop music playing]

Hey, sorry. Excuse me.

What are you doing?

-Cake. -We haven't even done the piñata.

Piñata first, then cake. What the hell is wrong with you?

What was it? A Ponzi scheme? White-collar fraud?

Crypto exchange.

Web 3.0, baby.

Feds only went after me because I'm an outsider.

A fucking maverick like Elon.

Well, that and you bankrupted 100,000 people.

The whole thing was a witch hunt.

Yeah, well, say what you will. It's still good to have you back. Cheers.

Ha-ha!

Gotcha!

Come on. It's been years since we've been together like this.

[Ben] Ever think maybe there's a good reason for that?

Where's Viktor?

Oh, uh, he said he was coming.

-What about Allison? -Oh, well, she's usually a no-show, right?

Maybe it's better that way.

[Klaus] Survived another one. Congratulations, everybody.

All right. Please call me before you go to bed.

Yes.

Why don't you come on in? Just for one little slice of cake.

We've already talked about this. Nobody wants me there.

-That's not true. Not true. -It is.

-Even if it wasn't, I have lines to learn. -All right.

Well, I'll tell everybody you said hello.

The money's decent, and I make my own hours, so there's that.

But my team supervisor is a real dickhead. He's always riding the stick.

Yeah, that seems tough.

Most importantly, it's just a waste of my God-given talents.

When do you think I'll be hearing back from the agency?

-Sorry? -The CIA, bro.

-You gave 'em my résumé, right? -Right.

-That's heading up the ladder as we speak. -That's what I'm talking about!

You told 'em I know multiple disciplines?

Hand-to-hand. Karate. Aikido. Hapkido. Krav Maga. Jujitsu.

Muay Thai. Kendo. Sambo--

Diego, I let 'em know. I told 'em.

…in a panic, you can't get to, so that's my new thing I'm trying out.

Hey, whoa! Hold your horses.

Just wait for your Uncle Klaus to get situated

because right now, it feels like he's about to hyperventilate.

Hey. Did I forget to pack my little brown bag?

-Claire! Come on! -You're fine.

-It's just a six-year-old's party. -You're right. You're always right.

It's obnoxious. Put that on the table, and don't touch anything sharp.

[inhales, exhales deeply]

-Soles of the feet. -Klaus?

-Hey, buddy! -Hey.

Good to see ya! Come here!

[sputtering]

Sorry. Don't touch. Spasibo.

Right, yeah, of course.

He is a germaphobe now and extremely sober. Hi, Klaus.

Benjamin!

Klaus.

Wha… When did you get out?

About an hour ago,

but I'm strongly considering robbing a bank to get back in.

Yeah, but just give me a second. Okay. Hey, let go of her! Sorry, excuse me. Hey.

What are you doing? Just string it up.

You said you were on the west side this morning?

Yeah. I dropped off the kids, and I picked up the piñata. So what?

So this is an east side piñata.

Excuse me?

This is clearly an east side piñata.

Check out the craftsmanship, the fringe.

Okay, listen, we needed a piñata, so I got a piñata.

And right now, we need more soda, so please, can you hurry up?

Where were you this morning?

Fine. I'll get it myself.

[partygoer] Yeah? All right. I'll go get her.

Bye, Donnie. Bye, Zack.

[car horn honking]

[somber, pensive music playing]

[Allison gasps, coughs]

Oh, oh, sorry. I was--

As you were. I just need a minute.

[cheeky instrumental flourish]

Tell me it gets better when they're older.

Tell me it gets easier.

-Once they hit puberty-- -Give me that.

[eccentric, quirky melody playing]

That's better.

[chuckles]

[both laughing]

You coming in, or you just gonna linger out here like a total psycho?

I can't. I can't.

[Lila] Mmm. Mm-hmm.

-You can. -No. Nobody wants me in there.

[wheezily] Nobody cares anymore.

I don't.

It would be so awkward.

-They're over it. Let's go. -No, Lila--

Give me my… Hey! Give me my keys!

Chop-chop.

Come on!

Li… [exhales]

Lila! Gimme my keys! Please don't make me go in there.

Allison, listen to me.

-No… Nobody likes me here. -You're being dramatic.

I'm telling you, nobody wants me here.

-Please. You don't understand. -Trust me, you're fine.

[rollicking chiptune playing]

[Allison] Lila, I'm too stoned for this.

This was a mistake.

You're right. This is incredibly awkward.

Uh…

Hey, uh, Allison!

[awkwardly] Uh… Uh…

Hey!

So glad you made it.

Just…

thought I'd pop in and say hello.

-Hello. -[Luther] Yeah.

Great.

It's, uh, been a minute, huh?

Since we've…

Yeah.

Yeah. Um…

Is Viktor here?

No, no. He's not here yet, but, uh, he said he was coming, so…

Yeah.

Okay, see you later.

I mean, you do the job, even though it's killing you,

and the kids, they suck whatever energy you have left.

[Luther] Mmm.

And the in-laws, I mean…

I'm glad they're alive in this timeline,

but that don't mean I want them living in my house.

[gentle, introspective music playing]

And then there's Lila.

You know,

she told me she couldn't get pregnant while breastfeeding.

You can, by the way.

Diego, come on, man.

Some people would kill to have what you have.

You know? I mean…

I know Sloane and I would have killed to have this.

Shit.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

[music swells]

[upbeat music playing faintly]

[Viktor sighs]

Viktor.

[inscrutable music playing]

-Who are you? -Uh…

I need you to get in the van.

If my father has something to say to me, he can come say it himself.

[sighs] Please.

I don't wanna hurt you.

I'd really like to see you try.

I just… I really need you to get in that van.

[dark, overwhelming music playing]

[Viktor grunts]

[music swells, trails off]

Diego, where's the cake?

You said piñata before cake.

That was like two hours ago!

Can we get this show on the road? I have book club tonight.

One, two, three…

Yeah, Grace!

…four, five, six.

Now go!

[Diego growling playfully]

-Harder! -A little more.

All right.

All right. That's enough. Good job.

-Good effort. -Good job.

Come here, birthday girl.

Yes.

[partygoer] Oh!

Wow. They really can't break that thing, huh?

East side piñatas are notorious for their difficulty.

Screw this. I'm starving.

Out of the way, kid! I'll hit you, son of a bitch.

[Luther grunting]

Oh!

Come on! [Luther grunting]

-[heavy blows landing] -[child screams]

What the… What…

-All right, you asked for it! -[children screaming]

[muffled audio distortion]

-[splat] -[kids gasp]

[cheeky, eccentric woodwinds playing]

-[Allison] It's okay, sweetie. -[Grace] My cake!

What is wrong with you?

I got it open.

[siren wailing in distance]

All right, just be cool, Jerome. Anybody asks, you're with me.

[partygoer] It's always so good to see you, Diane.

[indistinct chatter]

[Five's companion] These are the real Keepers.

Best of the best.

Oh, hey, Renee.

People are talking.

-I'd love to know what you think. -[scoffs]

[delicate, enigmatic music playing]

Excuse me, Larry.

[Lila] You know Hilary. She used to know every single thing.

[Five, sotto voce] So this is book club?

[Lila titters]

Will you excuse me just a second?

You blow my cover, I'll rip your balls off.

You're gonna blow my cover.

Nice mustache, by the way. What are you supposed to be? A Greek serial killer?

[chuckles] I'll have you know this is top-of-the-line horse hair.

The real question is, what are you doing here, "Nancy"?

Let's just say the transition from full-time assassin

to full-time caregiver to 3 small children and one chunky husband is no picnic.

I needed to get outside the house.

I saw a sign and took a chance.

It's cheaper than therapy.

But you know, these losers might be onto something.

If everyone can take their seats, the presentation's about to begin.

Come on.

[Lila gasps]

Who are they?

You never heard of Gene and Jean? Sure you're part of the right CIA?

-Just spit it out. -Okay!

Gene and Jean started the first chapter in Clovis, New Mexico.

Since then, the movement has been everywhere.

Wow.

Wowie!

I mean, holy shit!

Pardon my French, but look at all these beautiful shining faces.

It is too much.

Thank you for being here.

We have a big night planned, because tonight, we will be discussing…

[music intensifies]

"The Umbrella Effect,"

and how I believe

we can return to a restored…

and correct timeline.

Now, what do we mean when we talk about the Umbrella Effect?

Well,

some people refer to it as "timeline sickness."

[disquieting stinger plays]

These artifacts from other timelines…

Like the shared memories so many of us have experienced, huh?

Yup.

Memories the powers that be would have you believe

are just figments of our imaginations.

A dapper dandy holding an umbrella, standing on the grassy knoll.

An obscure sex cult called "Destiny's Children."

A litter of child superheroes in short pants,

from which we derive the name of this phenomenon,

the Umbrella Effect.

[Jean] Question is…

who benefits from covering this up?

The elites, of course.

[knowing murmurs]

The ruling class has always been threatened by the truth.

But they cannot stop the truth, now, can they?

[all muttering]

[Gene] No, I didn't think so.

[Jean] These artifacts are proof

that we're living in the wrong timelines.

And they're the key

to bringing about

the Cleanse.

What the hell is the Cleanse?

[whispers] No idea, but shut your mouth.

[Five] Your whisper is very high-pitched.

[Lila] Don't blow our covers.

[Five] You're gonna.

Is there a problem back there?

[Lila] Shit.

I'm sorry.

Could you little Chatty Cathys stand up, please?

-[Lila] Don't… -[Jean] I don't…

Can't really see your pretty little faces.

-Oh, Papa, it's Nancy. -[Gene chuckles]

Hi, everyone.

And who's your little friend? I don't believe we've met.

-This is my handsome fella-- -Jerome.

Jerome.

From the Orlando branch.

[Jean] Mmm.

Jerome from the Orlando branch.

Looks like your suntan could use a little work there, Jerome.

Maybe there's something we could help clarify,

Jerome from the Orlando branch.

No, so, um, sorry--

We were hoping maybe you could elaborate on the concept of the Cleanse.

Some believe it's the end.

Others believe it's but a great restoration.

What do you believe?

Well, you're in luck,

because we are preparing a very special lecture on just this topic.

Aren't we, darling?

That's right, darling.

If you're interested, give us your information.

Address, phone number.

We'll make sure to send you an invitation.

Both of you.

Thank you both.

So sorry about that.

[Lila] Look, if these artifacts are from different timelines,

and now they're showing up…

It's possible the old man's reset didn't take.

What does that even mean?

I have no idea.

Look, whatever this is, don't say anything to the family just yet.

All right? Not even Diego.

Absolutely not. He thinks I'm at book club.

It's just easier that way.

All right. Well, it's a good thing I never got married.

Too much deception involved.

Wow.

Didn't your dad teach any of you Hargreeves men how to eat?

Wait, no, come here.

[Five scoffs]

[somber, pensive music playing]

[Diego] Book club, my ass.

[siren wailing in distance]

[car alarm wailing]

[cryptic music playing]

[Luther] Welcome home, brother.

Welcome home.

[Ben] What the hell, dude?

You're squatting in some condemned building.

Condemned? What?

Well, yeah, it's a touch run-down, I'll give you that,

but come on, I've put a lot of work into this place.

Not sure I'm seeing it.

[birds cawing]

Come on, I'll show you around.

I, uh… I read a lot of DIY books, which is tough at first,

but you kinda get a knack for it, you know?

Check it out.

Ah, let's get a fire going.

Oh, uh…

You should avoid using the toilets on the second floor.

[Luther grunts]

[Ben] Looks like you got mail.

Huh?

Probably the city condemning this shithole.

No, no, no, no. They stick those to the front door.

What's this?

We gotta call the others.

[Five] Okay, Luther, we're here. What is it?

It says, "Your brother Viktor has been kidnapped."

"Follow my exact instructions, and no harm will come to him."

All right. Any idea on who might be behind this?

-My money's on you-know-who. -[Klaus] Dad? Come on.

Dad didn't kidnap Viktor. He doesn't give a shit about us.

It just really hurts when family stabs you in the back.

[cheeky music playing]

Five, can't you just call your CIA buddies?

[exhales] Well, the CIA doesn't investigate kidnappings. That's the FBI.

Wait. Hey, hey, no. We don't need anyone. We can handle this.

Yeah.

We're not exactly a team anymore, Diego.

Or ever were.

Then there's the whole "no powers" thing.

No. I don't care. If Viktor's in trouble, I'm in, right?

What are you looking at me for? I'm not your mother.

-I'm in. What? -[Lila] Good luck.

You can't even run up stairs without getting a coronary.

I'm in the best shape of my life.

Jesus. Okay, anyway, now what?

It says we're supposed to meet at Sy's Dry Cleaning on 5th Avenue.

Perfect. Let's roll.

Yeah!

What?

[plucky, adventurous music playing]

[tires screeching]

[brakes squeak]

Stay behind Five. He's got the gun.

[tense, mysterious music playing]

[Klaus] Guys! Can't you smell that? This place is a chemical wasteland.

[music intensifying]

[music trails off]

Hey, there he is.

Looking good, buddy.

[Klaus] Thank God! What's up, Vik?

Couldn't make it to your niece's birthday?

Well, I was on the way, and then I got kidnapped, so…

Yeah, nice excuse.

Diego.

Do you guys wanna untie me, or…

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Ben] Who grabbed you? Was it Hargreeves and his goons?

No way. This is amateur hour.

[kidnapper] I apologize if my methods are a little crude,

but this is my first kidnapping.

And hopefully, my last.

But I need your help.

Well, kidnapping our brother and pointing a gun at us

isn't gonna buy you much goodwill.

It was the only way I could make sure that you came here. All of you.

I couldn't leave anything to chance. Especially when it comes to…

the Umbrella Academy.

[Diego] No one's called us that in six years.

Sorry, pal. The Umbrella Academy doesn't exist.

Um…

Okay, but…

[spluttering] Okay, but… Just…

Can… Can you explain this, then?

[cryptic music playing]

[Klaus] Umbrella Academy saves what?

When the hell did we save the Eiffel Tower?

Where did you get that?

It was in this box of things in the trunk of my daughter's car.

Her name's Jennifer.

-Where did she get that? -I don't know.

But, okay, listen.

So, about a year ago,

she met these new friends,

and, uh, they started going to these strange meetings.

They're very strange people. They call themselves the Keepers, and, uh…

And then, over time,

she stopped talking to me.

Just stopped.

And that was about three months ago, and I haven't seen her since,

and I believe that something terrible has happened.

No offense. Maybe she just wants nothing to do with you.

No, no. My daughter and I are very close. She would never do this to me.

Wait, hold on. How did you find us?

I saw you on TV. Toss N' Wash.

[triumphantly] Ha! See? No small parts.

I… I've actually been watching you for quite a while now.

Uh…

And I'm… I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize.

Uh, but, I mean, she's all that I have left, and, uh…

What do you need us for? Call a cop.

I did. They didn't do anything.

We'd like to help, but we're not the same people in that picture anymore.

Yeah, we don't even have powers now.

Yeah, we're not special.

Speak for yourself, tubby.

Give us 24 hours.

Five, what are you doing?

-24 hours. We'll find your daughter. -Yes. Thank you.

-Guys, let's go. -What are you talking about?

Thank you very much, Umbrella Academy. I think you're special.

[mysterious music playing]

Five.

-Come on. -What the hell was that, man?

Hey, why are you considering helping that guy?

-Five. -[Luther] What's going on?

[Five] Because…

of this.

[high, treble thrumming]

[tense, uneasy music playing]

What I'd like to know is how the daughter of some random dry cleaner

ends up with a jar of marigold in the trunk of her car.

How do we know that's not just a jar of glow stick juice?

Why don't you take a sip and find out, tough guy?

-I will if you will. -Don't even think about it.

Okay, for the sake of discussion, let's say this is legit.

Does anyone here want their power back?

-No, siree, Bob. -Yeah.

For the first time in my life, I'm sober.

And… happy.

But most importantly, 100% poltergeist-free.

[Allison] Free? You rarely leave the house.

And when you do, you're wearing surgical gloves in public.

Yeah, well, at least I'm in control.

[chef] Showtime.

Look at this chump.

Angle's wrong.

Sloppy form.

-[chef exclaims] -[siblings cheering]

-Good job, sir. -Nice.

He is so good.

Look, guys, it's a hard no for me too.

I've got a bar to run, friends.

Like, a real life.

You're all nuts, all right?

We should be mainlining this shit right now.

Look, come on, big guy. I know you want it.

Wait! I mean, that's a tough one.

Come on. You don't need that, Luther.

Your life is fantastic.

I don't know about fantastic, but you know, I'm… I'm managing.

Is that where the bar is set these days?

Managing?

I'll do whatever the group decides. How's that?

[Diego] Yeah, I'm with Luther.

Majority rules.

[Luther] Yeah, right.

[Klaus, gagging] You're not actually considering this, are you?

[teppanyaki flame whooshes]

[Allison, haltingly] No.

[treble thrumming]

No, my life is great. I have everything I need.

Yup. Me too.

Same.

All right, then. Motion fails. We don't drink the mystery juice.

So we don't get our powers back.

[relieved sigh] Thank God!

I tried. You're all morons.

Hey! Where are you going?

To take a piss! Is that okay, Luther?

Or do you need to run that by my parole officer too?

Oh shit! I was supposed to call him at 6:00!

-Is that what I think it is? -Yeah, it is!

-That's disgusting. -All right, I gotta hit the road.

No, so soon?

Come on, Vik! Stay a bit longer!

No, wait! Stay, man!

It's just such a long drive. So, yeah.

I should go too. I've got an audition tomorrow.

Like a big, important audition, and we have to boot camp the lines!

You've gotta drive the kids to the dentist at 7:00 a.m.

[stilted laughter] Why you gotta make it so early again?

Because they have school at 8:00.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Where's everyone going?

We haven't even gotten to the steak yet!

-Party's over. -No! No!

Okay. One last shot, on me.

For old time's sake.

Please!

-Klaus! -[Klaus] No!

-Ignore him! -Come on. He doesn't drink.

Sake doesn't count.

-[Ben] Exactly. -It doesn't?

-[Diego] Hey. Dude's sober. -[Ben] Thank you.

[delicate, suspenseful music playing]

[Ben] Okay, then.

Here's to the nonexistent Umbrella Academy!

Kanpai!

[all] Kanpai!

[somber, heartfelt music playing]

Thank you!

Hey! You comin'?

I'm gonna savor my last minutes of freedom and finish this shrimp, if you don't mind.

[Luther clears throat]

What about curfew?

Relax, Captain Tight-ass. I'll meet you back at your shithole later.

Captain Tight-ass?

[steady, treble thrumming]

See ya on the other side, fuckfaces.

[suspenseful music intensifying]

[music trails off]

["The Bad Touch" playing]

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

♪ Do it again now ♪

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

♪ Getting horny now ♪

[bold synth horns playing]

♪ Love, the kind you clean up With a mop and bucket ♪

♪ Like the lost catacombs of Egypt Only God knows where we stuck it ♪

♪ Hieroglyphics ♪

♪ Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas ♪

♪ But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean ♪

♪ Means small craft advisory ♪

♪ So if I capsize on your thighs High tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship ♪

♪ Please turn me on I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip ♪

♪ So show me yours, I'll show you mine ♪

♪ Tool time You'll Lovett just like Lyle ♪

♪ And then we'll do it doggy style

-♪ So we can both watch X-Files ♪ -♪ Do it now ♪

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

♪ Do it again now ♪

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

-♪ Getting horny now ♪ -[bold synth horns playing]

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

♪ Do it again now ♪

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

♪ Do it again now ♪

♪ You and me, baby Ain't nothing but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do On the Discovery Channel ♪

-♪ Getting horny now ♪ -[bold synth horns playing]

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