Original subtitles

Yes, of course. Everything’s great, Beccy.

-So, are you coming home? -No, I’m not coming home.

-Why not? What’s so great about-- -Because mom’s crazy, and you’re

crazy to stay there, Beccy! -What do you mean? You’re the crazy

one. On your own in that place. -You want coffee?

-Yes, just milk please. Thank you so much. -Hello? Hello?

-Is that the guy? -Yeah, he’s getting me coffee.

-Is he okay? -What?

-The guy? -Yeah. He’s--he’s fine.

-So tell me...is he the one? -What do you mean, the one?

-Your one true man. -Beccy, I don’t know if he’s the one. I mean he took me out for a meal last night.

Hello? Hello? Beccy?!

Ugh!

-Howdy. -Hey, Charlie. That’s nice.

-I’ll be goddamned. Yeah, no, we got this guy comes in every week,

rents himself a slick ride, special rate, picks up a new girl every time.

Looks like this time he left her in there. Mornin’, darlin’. Sorry to rouse ya,

but we’re gonna need to get in there and clean up.

-Who’s he--what’s he talking about? -The guy you came with...he’s gone.

-No. He’s getting me a coffee. -It’s not a coffee shop.

It’s Charlie’s Garage. Rents classic cars.

Shit. Shit! SHIT! UGH! He said he was--he took me out last night.

-Do you have his number? -No. He was gonna give me that.

-Better call a ride. -I don’t have a phone. It’s dead.

I don’t have a credit card, either, okay? In fact, I don’t have any money at all.

-Oh, I get it. -No you don’t, asshole.

Just cause you’re wearing a suit and a clown tie doesn’t make you any better

than that lying, stinking, shithole bastard from last night. Urrgghaaagh!

So can I take you to wherever you’re going?

-Do I have a choice, Mr. Suit? -Sure you do. Life’s all about

having choices. I’m Jake. -Virginia...

Actually, the suit’s borrowed. And that’s the truck.

I got a rental because I had a job interview today. What do you do, Virginia?

-Right now, nothing. -So you came to the Big Easy?

There’s nothing easy about New Orleans without a job. Screw the Big Easy.

-Yeah, just don’t let it screw you. -Oh my god, you are so clever.

Except you drive a shit heap and he had a Mustang.

Except he didn’t...Let’s go.

-Oh my god, there’s no door. -Air conditioning.

-We need to give my girl a second. -Your truck’s a girl?

Sure she is. The thing is I actually have this project you might be interested in.

-In what? -I want to write a blog about it, build

out a line of products, start my own streaming channel.

-Of what? -I have to do a lot of serious

research first. -On what?!

Well, sex...

You know what? I think I’m gonna actually just walk. Thanks.

-Let me call you a ride! -Nuh uh.

Shit. Aaagh, I don’t believe this!

Listen, come back to the house. I’m not trying anything. Honest.

So I’m that easy, huh? Nuh!

You’ll be safe there. There’s lots of girls. They’ve all got shoes.

And if you don’t mind me saying... you seem like you could use some friends.

-Listen you’ve got no reason to trust me-- -I didn’t. I trusted your truck.

Well, the truck may need some help.

Okay, when I shout “contact”, just touch

these two wires together, okay? That’s all you gotta do.

-Are you joking? -No.

Ignition...

Contact!

Okay, let’s go!

THIS is your house and THAT is your truck?

Don’t be rude about my baby. I just live here. Come on in.

-Hi, Jake. -Wow, that is hot.

-I love you with clothes on. -I know. It’s weird, right?

-This is Virginia. -Hi, I’m Samantha. -Hi.

-Hey, do you have size 7 shoes? -No, try Cindy.

Hey, Nigel’s fixing me up later. Come join.

Hey, help yourself. There’s coffee in there.

-Oh my god! -Hoo, what is it? You okay?

-Yes, but you’re-- -I made coffee. You want some coffee?

-Yes, but maybe-- -I love people that say yes!

-But I’m actually with him. Jake? -The world is divided up by the people

that say no and stay safe, and they never get hurt. Now, for the people that do say

yes, now maybe--maybe they get hurt, alright? But they’re living life to the

fullest and they’ve tried everything. Hey, did you want some milk?

Um, yes please.

Coffee for my new friend.

Oohhoohoohoooo! She’s kinky...

Hey, come sit.

Hi, I’m Cindy. Are you the one who needs shoes?

Somebody left this great pair of boots after a party.

-Ah, here we go. Try these on. -I can’t wear these.

Suit yourself. Mind your feet, though. Dead soldiers.

Oh, agh, oh my god. That is so disgusting!

Yeah, but better to be safe, right? Bathroom’s in there.

I gotta get back to work. See ya.

Waaah, no! Okay...

Oh, no...

Jake?

AH!

AH! Stop. Stop it. Ugh.

Uuuh. Aaauuugh...

Oh, hey. It’s you again!

Damn, that’s a cute girl.

-I’m so sorry. I’m Nigel. How do you do? -At least you’re wearing clothes.

-Do you know where Jake is? -No, sorry. Great boots.

Do you want a boot website? Is that your thing?

-There’s a website for boots? -There’s a website for everything.

Within the hour online I can have anything anybody wants at that front door.

-You mean you get girls? -Sure, who do you want?

-No! Is this a whorehouse? -Sex work is fine, but we don’t let anyone

charge in the house. -No, I don’t charge.

-Look, I’m just looking for--oh my god! -Hey, I’m Leslie.

-I hope you’re looking for me. -Uh, no. Jake.

-Shame. He’s upstairs. Come on.

Wait. So do you guys, like, never wear clothes?

When we go outside. Oh, except during Mardi Gras. Then we wear paint.

And except NIgel. He never takes his shorts off. Do you, Nigel?

No.

He’s in there. Enjoy.

No, if I do this on my own, my blog won’t be taken seriously. I need

a partner. Anyway, thank you for the tie. -So, who’s the girl? Is she the one?

-I gotta find somebody. -I adore you, you sexy hunk.

Yeah. you, too.

-That’s a dead end. -I wasn’t spying. The door was open.

We don’t have secrets. Listen, I’ve got a serious proposition for you.

I’ll bet. Can I get a straight answer? Are you?

-What? -Straight?

-No. -Gay?

-No. -Bi?

-No. -Celibate?

-No. -What else is there?

Omnisexual. I’ll do anything. I usually draw the line at inanimate objects.

-Usually? -One time I had an affair with a washing

machine with a vibrant spin cycle. I chose heavy wash and I sat right on top.

It gave me all I wanted in a relationship.

It’s a joke, okay? Listen, please. Can we just talk?

Virginia, wait!

Virginia, please. This is serious research. I really need your help.

Give me 30 seconds, please, and I promise I’ll drive you home.

-30 seconds. -Okay, great. Um--it’s about my channel--

my streaming channel and books and toys and I want to start with a blog about

the experiences of a sex-positive couple. There’s a revolution happening right now.

All the rules of sexual combat have changed.

Sexual combat?

The internet has made everything available. I had Nigel make up these.

It’s a list of every sexual practice and deviation.

We could try everything. Unless it’s completely disgusting, and then

we just watch. -WE, as in me?

Fetish is mainstream. Kink is cool. That’s my market. The new sexuality.

-Only I can’t get started. I need a girl. -Well, there’s plenty of them here.

-Nope, no. They all turned me down. -That’s a good sign.

I need someone hot enough to get me through any door.

Into any party. Someone like you. You could live here. I’d help with expenses.

Oh, so you’d pay me to screw you at parties?

No no no no. You don’t have to screw me ever. I promise. No strings.

You get me through the door, I keep you safe, we meet interesting people--

-And we screw them? -If we like! Listen, the group is going

to a sex club tomorrow and they’ve all got dates. I can’t get in without a girl.

Forget it. I’ll walk.

You’re gonna let her walk the streets like that?

-I guess. I tried to help. -I guess? Knuckledick.

Fuck you! Oh...

Yeah, we could try that. I’m Truly. I thought you could use a ride. I tried

those once and those boots ain’t made for walkin’.

Thanks, Trudy, but I think I’ll be fine.

It’s Tru-ly!

-With an L. Truly Happygirl. -That’s your name?

Yeah! I wanted to be a truly happy girl, so I changed it.

“Be the change you want to be.” Ghandi.

-Truly, are you on drugs? -Never! “Say no to drugs and yes to sex.”

Nancy Reagan. Come on, let’s take you home.

Wait, the last time I got in this truck, that Jake guy tried it on, so if you’re

anything like that-- -Oh, no. That’s Leslie. I like cock.

I do girls, too--in fact, I’ll do anybody. Well, a guy’s gotta be a 2 out of 10.

-On what scale? -1 out of 10 being dead.

I have a friend who works at the mortuary, but I won’t go there.

-What’s 2 out of 10? -Breathing.

So you have no standards and no discrimination?

What’s the point? I fuck anybody. Some become friends, some don’t, but fucking

is how I find out. I’m a fuck-firster. It just gets it out of the way.

-Isn’t that dangerous? -I love condoms. And we get tested

once a month. House rules. So, if you come back with us, you must follow them, too.

Truly, I don’t think I can--

-Oh, no. Come on, baby. It’s just us girls here. Come on! You can do it.

You’re a fucking mechanic!

You know, this happened to all of us at the house. Small town girl moves to the

big city, gets screwed in every possible way. Listen, I can tell you’re on the

struggle bus here. -Oh, no. Don’t you feel sorry for me. All

I need is a bed, and I’ve got one.

So it was an air bed? That’s not good.

You sure don’t take help easy, do you? Why don’t you come stay at the house until you

get yourself sorted out. No strings, okay? -That’s exactly what Jake said.

- He’s right. - Ah!

We girls, we run that house. We make the rules. And number one is nobody does

nothing with anybody they don’t want to do nothing with. Or something.

Dammit!

I need to get prepared for tonight, and someone broke the fucking fucking machine.

-So why not just use a man? -I need something reliable.

There is that...

-Virginia? You’re back! That’s so great.

-Virginia, does this mean that you can-- -No. I was evicted. Can I stay a few days?

Come on, girl. We gotta get ready for the party.

Party? What party?

Condoms...

Condoooms...luuube...anybody need a condom? Lube? Condoms, lube. I am your

fairy condom mother. Condoms. Lube, anybody? Condom? Okay! Ladies...

-Thaaank you. Here you go. -Ugh, I love my life...

So, everybody needs a wing woman. I got your six, so you can have your sex.

Okay...so, you guys do nothing but sex all the time?

Well, I’m a Dreamer, and I’m getting my law degree. So if that’s nothing, then I’m

sure doing a helkuva lot of it. Anyways, Samantha here works a lot, too. What is it

that you do again? -A PhD at Tulane on the philosophy of

hedonism and the psychosexual culture of Generation X.

-Woah. -And you thought I was a dumb blonde.

No...oh my god, yep. I did think you were a dumb blonde. I’m so sorry.

Of course. You know what this is? Conditioning, baby. And we’ve all had it

because the men run the media, right? Hey, boys.

Oooh-wooo! This is gooood!

-Oh, would you look at that? Bill, -Mmmmm...

-I need more of your wife. She is hot. -Oooh...oh, no no no, that’s not my wife.

That’s her over there between those two other guys. You want in? I can ask.

-Yeah.... -Alright.

Hey!

Heh, that Joanna loves DP.

Wooh! Yeah, come on.

-So he’s in her-- -Uh huh.

-While the other one’s in her-- -Oh, yeah...

-I’ve never had it in the ass. -It’s kinda the same, but

the dick is next door.

Room for one more. Get over here, Bill.

So Bill is number three, and Joanna’s ready for the play and Joanna is airtight!

She looks a little busy. I guess it’s gonna be a while before I get in there.

-Well, maybe if you’re free, we could-- -Juanita, you want to?

-Heh...no, Jake!

-What’s wrong with fucking me? -Nothing, I just did that already.

-Got a point. Fresh meat’s always best. -Fresh meat? Is that all we are?

-Ha! No, honey. That’s what the men are. -I told you. We girls run these parties.

-Hi. -Fuck?

-Sure. -Why all the conversation?

Oh my god...

-Good morning! -Do you have a swimsuit? -What is a swimsuit?

-Virginia! They tell me you’re coming to stay with us.

Sign please. House rules, including number seven: no clothes allowed in the pool. Which is why I never get in the pool.

Is there anything I need to be worried about?

You’re fine. Read it later.

-Great, thank you. Here’s a towel. -Thanks.

Oh, what the fuck.

Naked girl in the pool! Naked girl in the pool! Naked girl in the pool!

Wooooaaaah!

You assholes!

Welcome to the house, Virginia!

Hi, I’m Ray. We’ll have no interest in each other whatsoever.

-You’re gay? -I am so ashamed!

Yeah, totally.

Can I get a straight answer from a gay man?

-You’ll never get one from a straight man. -What the hell is this place?

The house? It’s for people who like to have sex and who don’t judge others. Cindy

started it, and she found us or we found her. The internet weaves its web.

-So, are you all ,like, couples? -Oh, god, no. That would be horrible.

Unless Jake asked me. I mean he’s just-- ugh, he’s just so good.

-Is he? -Oh my gosh, yes. When he is up, he is,

like, really really up. And when he’s down he’s, like, straight back up again. What

more could you ask for? -So why don’t the girls go with him?

Going isn’t the problem. It’s the coming thing.

-The Jake conversation? -Yeah.

- Yeah, Jake doesn’t come. - You’re kidding?

No. Girls go with him, but they don’t stay with him, because he doesn’t come with

them. He sees the orgasm as, like, some kind of commitment. Don’t you, dear?

If I’m enjoying myself with someone, why would I want to ruin it by coming?

-Exactly... -Wait are you two--

Do you want me to? Come to the club tonight, I’ll do anybody you want.

That’s my phone...Shit, Steve!

-G-spot location services? -Uh, yeah, can I speak to Jake? -Steve, no no no no no.

-I’m untying him right now, yes. -You’re doing what?

-Hi, this is Jake. I’m sorry about that. -Yeah, you asked about the job.

It’s not going to work I’m afraid. Thank you and goodbye.

The interview, they didn’t want me.

-That sucks. Do you want a blowjob? -No, Cindy. I want a real job!

Everybody, this is me drowning myself.

-Hey! You just broke rule seven. -I know it.

Look, I’m sorry to hear about your job. Listen, I’ll go with you to the club

tonight, but just to get you through the door.

You’ve given me a reason to live!

Okay, so if anyone hits on you, just say, “maybe later.” And smile, okay? Here.

Maybe later.

Oh, Jake! You found a girl!

Hi. I’m glad to see you came prepared. I’m Rod. They call me Hot Rod.

-I believe it...um, maybe later. -No, I work here.

-Oh! -First timers get a tour.

So it’s the usual rules. You know, no means no. Gentleman, stay with the ladies.

-This is fun! -Nah...the fun is upstairs.

So we have playrooms on each side. This is the library.

Oh my god, I love libraries!

-Hey there!

Virginia!

-Wanna play? -Uh, maybe later.

Moving on...Okay now, this is the feely room. Absolute darkness in there.

You got to feel your way around. -So who’s in there?

I mean, you never know. That’s the point.

And this is the machine room.

Ginny! You gotta try this one. Oh!

-Ah, maybe later. -Alright, now this room...

This is my absolute favorite.

Love this room. One-way glass, in there you can’t see who’s watching.

Well, that’s it, I’m done at ten, then I join the party. I hope to see you?

-Um...yeah. Maybe later. -Yeah. Right.

-Jake? Oh, I’m so sorry. -Hi!

Jake, don’t leave me alone!

Jake? Jake? Jake?

I can’t believe I’m seeing this.

-Oh my god, you’re clothes...less. -Ginny, it’s a sex club. You’re the

only one here with clothes on. Oh, look at that...

Oh my god. Don’t you just love this? I mean how can anyone be depressed in here

for more than like ten minutes? Umm, sometimes you just gotta get fucked.

-Anyway, so are you here with Jake? -Oh, no, er, but maybe later...

That’s a good move. Sometimes you gotta work ‘em out before you work ‘em in.

-I’m Joanna. -Oh, Virginia.

Oh, don’t cover ‘em up. They’re cute.

-And this is my sub, and my husband, Bill. -How do you do?

-Hi. -So what are you into?

-Uhh...nobody’s ever asked me that before. -I give the best head. Do you like head?

-Do you? -I mean, yeah, sure.

Oh, and you can leave your panties on. He just loves to munch.

Oh, yes, please. Oh...oh! Uh, Jake, he’s--he’s...

-You said yes twice, right? -Just say stop. Consent is the only

sex that we have. He is good, isn’t he? -Oh my god...Yes. Yes...

Uh, just to be clear, that’s yes stop, yes continue, or yes he’s good?

Um...yes...

-Ooh, there’s a spot. You wanna fuck? -Sure.

-Oh, and he’ll fuck you, if you want. -No. No no no nonono...

Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I just did that!

How many guys did you have?

One.

Two.

Euh, I mean, three.

Uh, four. Oh my god, I just went to a party and I have to count how many

guys I fucked! Ahah...

-Five. It was five. -I had three girls. Joanna was hot.

-Then there was Melanie, and Sarah. -Wait, which one was Sarah?

-Skinny, big tits, tight ass. -Do not define a woman by her body!

Tits and ass, is that all we are to you? Just sex?

You just had just sex with just five guys you just met.

Yeah, I’m trying to work this out.

So wait, do you really not come? Wait, what is that about?

Oh, wires. Got it. Pop the hood.

Sweet baby girl, sister, I have just had

the most amazing night. Please don’t spoil it for me. Okay! IGNITION! CONTACT!

WOOOH! Yeeeaaah!

Wooh!

-Good morning. -Oh, hey.

-And, uh, how many guys did you have last night?

Um, about as many as I had my whole life before last night.

-Is it alright if I feel a little dirty? -It’s residual guilt. It’s good, because

it makes it feel so bad. We should know, we’re Catholic. What about you?

Er, ex-evangelical. Very ex. That’s what I’m trying to get away from.

So you two do stuff like this all the time and still, you know, love each other?

Sure we do. Listen, Virginia, this is all okay as long as it’s what you want.

As long as you do what you feel and feel what you do.

There’s so many possibilities, I had no idea. Are all of these real things?

-I guess. -So why haven’t you done them?

-Well, I was waiting for the right-- -You know what, I want to try them.

I decided. I want to do it. Your research thing. The sexy stuff. To hell with it, I

want to try every damned thing I can. Lets’s do ‘em all, A to Z!

-Are you serious? This is fantastic! -Yeah, I mean, as long as I can say no,

and there’s no pressure. -Oh, absolutely. Totally.

Can we really do this, no shit, no lies, no jealousy, just friends?

Yes we can. I swear I will never have sex with you. In front of you, yes.

With you, never. -Oh, no...that’s not exactly--

-Nigel. Nigel! I need your help. Virginia’s going to do my project!

All your deviations, we’re gonna do them from A to Z.

Oh my god. This is so cool! Wait, can I pick something that I like, please?

-Sure! -Umm, altocalciphilia?!

Hey, perverts! Chin on the table, hand off your hose, and eyes on the shoes.

Oh, oh thank you...

-Altocalciphilia. -Boots, shoes? That was totally weird.

-All sex is weird. Alright! Anal... -Oh, no. Why don’t we just

do one of each letter? -Ah, and then we go back to the beginning.

Great idea. Okay, Nigel, the “B”s. -Oh, yes...

-So it’s PDFM, right? -No, no. B-D-S-M! Bondage, domination,

sadism, masochism, got it? -Yeah.

And don't let anyone know it’s your first time, okay?

-Okay. Okay, okay! -Just be cool. Be cool.

-Oh, hello! I’m Hugo. Please, come in. -Good evening.

-Oh my god, doesn't that hurt? -Yes of course. That's the point.

-Are you sure you’re into this? -What exactly do y’all do?

-Uh, PDFM. -No! No no no. Uh, BDSM. BDSM.

-Yes, but we specialize in PDFM. -And what is PDFM?

It is um, penile...dysfunction... forensic...um, massage.

-PDFM. -Forensic?

-Yeah so it’s like mostly dead people. -Dead people? You're necrophiliacs?

No. No no no. They’re pretending to be dead. Hence, er, disfunction.

-But you have BDSM experience? -Yes of course.

Do you want to play? Gender switch, power exchange, SSC or RACK?

-Er, I think, probably, just sex. -Sex?

-You want sex? -Oh honey, we don't do sex!

My god, what kind of people do you think we are?

I mean, I’m a married woman. We are Baptists.

-You’re disgusting! They want sex! -Get out, just get out of here!

Go, go on! Get! How dare you!

-They kicked you out? -Yes, they hated us.

-Nigel, we got to “C”. -There are not many “C”s...

Capnolagnia, chremastistophilia, coprophilia, coprophagia.

-And what the hell are they? -In order, sexual gratification from

smoking, from being robbed, from shit, and from eating...shit.

-Eeewww... -Let’s do “D”. Double penetration.

Pussy and ass together. -No, that brings us back to anal...

-You said you would try everything. -Okay, we move to “E”.

-But that’s cheating. -No, she said no, it’s not negotiable.

Right on. Thank you, Jake.

-Hey, we get on pretty good, don’t we? -Yeah, we’re doing just fine.

-Are you sure about this, Virginia? -Yes I am, Jake.

Three...two...one...GO!

-“E” for “Exhibitionism”. What’s next? -Felching, fellatio, frottage,

fisting, flagellation... -Wait, what’s fisting?

Oh! Oowoh! Okay, okay. I thought you said that was a good pain?

-Okay, now “G” for...“group sex”. -Yeeeaaah...

No! That, I want to see that. “Gay sex”. Just guys, though.

Oh, I have just the right guy. Daddy Hank. Older guy, he does girls, but he is

desperate to get into my pants. You’ve already had him.

-Me? I never had anyone called Hank. -You can remember who you’ve had sex with?

That’s incredible. -You can’t.

I can’t even remember faces, how would I remember dicks?

So why don’t we do both? Group sex and gay sex.

Aaah! Sounds like a party!

-Hi, mind if we watch? -Oh! Hey, what are you doing down there?

-This is who I told you about. -Oh, this is your girl, right?

-Yes, and this really turns me on. -What about you?

-Oh, I’m just another homosexual. -Well don’t expect anything from me, bud.

-He’s here for me. Sloppy seconds. -Okay, I guess you better sit down.

If the lady wants to watch it, you better do it.

Dooohhh...

Is that an average sized dick, would you say?

No, that’s a big dick. All black people have big dicks.

I’m black, I don’t have a dick. That’s sexism.

No, I just meant...you know how white people always--

What, so white dudes can’t have big dicks? That’s racism.

Come on, don’t act like an old lady. I was--

What’s wrong with being an old lady? That’s ageism. Racism, ageism, sexism.

RAZ. You’re razy. You’re razy. -Totally razy, man. Just razy--

Here’s a word of advice. Keep your legs open and your mouth closed, okay?

-Is he-- -Yeah, it usually happens with older guys

after they come. I kinda like it. -Oh, momma...mmm...

Oh! You know, I could only do this ‘cos you were watching, right?

-Oh, I know. -It was like I was doing you all the time.

-Mmhmm. -Thank you so much, Daddy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Hey, she’s hot, huh? What a girl. Hey, baby, see you ‘round.

-That’s the closet. -Yeah, I knew that.

Oh, boy...

-He is gross. -I think he’s gorgeous. And he’s only

pretending to be Republican so people don’t think he’s gay.

So, what did you think?

-Honestly, I didn’t realize it would be so -Functional? It usually is with guys.

-Men are so weird. -That’s not even a conversation.

-I just--I wish I understood you guys. -My dear, you never will, until you

learn the mysteries of the penis.

It’s all so unnecessarily complicated.

-What’s it all about? -How does it do what it does?

-How can we possibly find this attractive? -This dangling throbbing thing.

And it’s always changing. I mean the next minute, it’s this hard, pulsing, rigid

thing. And they’re all so different. -Yeah, weight, length, thickness, shape,

hardness, taste. Different shafts, different heads, mushroom, button,

cut, uncut. -Why are we so fascinated in this stupid,

wrinkly worm? -It may be stupid, but I wish I had

a dick for a day. -You have a dick every day.

No, but what does it feel like to have your own?

But why do we care about them at all? I mean, look, it’s ridiculous.

Don’t even get me started on the testicles.

-Ooh! -Eugh...

Oval, round, hanging, baggy, tight, soft hard. There's so much variety

with the male genitalia. -Excuse me...

-And you know what gets me is the texture. They just don’t feel like

anything else on earth. -Wait, you don’t even like dick.

I love dick. I just don’t like what it’s attached to.

-Hello, I’m up here. I am--I am up here. -Can I ask you to do something?

Oh, I didn’t think we were doing that yet, but I guess so.

-Jump up and down. -Ooh yeah, I want to see that.

-Come on... -Yeah.

-Isn’t that painful? -No.

-What about running, run for us! -Oh, yeah!

-Oooh, doesn't it bang around? -Don't your tits bang around?

I don't have tits between my legs getting mashed by a pair of thighs.

Okay, stop. What happens to it all? I mean, in your pants.

-Yeah, like, where does it all go? -That...

Is the mystery of the penis. -Oh, for heaven’s sake.

Can we go party now?

-Nigel, why don’t you join the party? -Oh no, I can’t.

-Why not? -I’m sure the girls have told you.

I’m not very big down there. And I just don’t want to disappoint anyone.

What? Nigel, if you think you can’t please a woman ‘cos of the size of your dick,

then you don’t understand the vagina. -What don’t I understand about the vagina?

Oh. Well, oftentimes a big dick just glides right past it, whereas a smaller

dick, will hit it. -Hits what?

-The spot? -What spot?

-The...like-- -Virginia...I got it arranged!

Maybe later.

-Sorry, I was dealing with dick. -Heheh.

Come on, let’s join.

-Ooh, hey Virginia. You ready to play now?

Hey, guys...Oh, is that why they call it down time?

-Heeey, you look happy. -I am happy. Happy to be here. We all are.

-Are you staying with us for good? -Oh, I can’t. I would not be able to

afford the rent. -Rent? We don’t pay rent.

-Well, then who pays for all this? -Cindy does. She’s loaded. Come see.

Guys, come on. This pussy isn't going to lick itself.

-Sir Timothy John Berners-Lee. -Who?

He created the world wide web. He connected hypertext with TCP and DNS.

For the first time in history, ordinary people can get any kind of sex they want.

A girl like me couldn't exist before the internet. My whole life is online.

-I’m sure you have other interests. -Er, no, you don’t get it. Her life

is online. They see everything. -Who do?

The Guys. There’s a hundred of them. Nigel set it up for me. I do whatever I want and

the Guys watch every second of it. -You mean they--they can see us now?

-You didn’t read the house rules? -Say hello to Virginia, Guys!

I don’t believe this! Who are these people?

They’re creeps. You’re all creeps, Guys! Alright, I’m going back to the party.

Because around this time the boys get seedy and the girls get needy.

Wait, the Guys get nervous if I’m off cam for too long. So do I.

Cindy, there has to be something else to your life. Maybe a boyfriend?

Oh no. The Guys would get jealous if I did that. So I just screw everybody.

But...I do have a gorgeous secret friend. One of the Guys sends me poetry.

The others don’t know. -So invite him over, in secret.

-Give me his contacts, I’ll arrange it. -Oh you mean, like, actually meet him?

Like a...a real guy? Oh Virginia, I...I... you would do that for me?

-Yeah. -Oh that is so exciting. Oh, thank you

thank you thank you. Just don’t tell anyone, okay? Okay.

-Cindy they really don’t like you off cam. -Oh, don’t worry. They’ll like this.

Okay Guys, party time for Cindy!

Hey, isn’t life great? I cannot imagine that whole monogamy thing.

Only fucking one guy. How dull is that?

So are you guys going to do this for the rest of your lives?

-Yes... -No. I’ll have a normal life, you know...

Wife and kids and stuff. -Normal. That’s nice.

-And I'll just do this on the side. -You mean, you'll cheat?

Well, you have to cheat. I mean, that’s what a “normal” life is, right?

I’m in shock, I need to get fucked. Come on, Steve.

Oh!

Oh, it’s you again. You were at the club, right?

I came looking, but you were real busy that night. I'm Rod, remember?

-Oh, yeah. Hot Rod. -And you met my friend Chris.

-Hey. Huh? Oh my god, I’m so sorry! -That’s fine. We were wondering if

you would like to join us? -Why? Wait, what, what, what do you want?

I mean, sorry that’s wrong. Um, it's just the penis, I was not expecting the penis.

-You’ve never had two guys? -Is it that obvious? I mean, I’ve just

never had it, you know, in the other end. -Well we can try that whenever you want.

And take it real slow.

Now we don't want to bug you, but any time.

NOW!

Or...maybe later.

You go, girl!

-Having a wild time? -Oh, yeah...

-Nice and easy, huh?

Oh...my...goodness! That feels amazing!

So? What do you think? I’m not such a weirdo, huh?

-Are you Ray? -I am.

-You’re the financial analyst? -No that's my sister, Lorraine.

Oh I know Lorraine, I work in product development at Hensons.

No way, I used to do market research for them. Are you Chuck?

-No, I’m Chris. -Chuck’s the sales guy.

-Oh my god, guys! Please! -Oh right, sorry.

-Ooooh...ooohhh -Even I think that’s hot.

-Jake? -Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, shit.

-Come on, he’s waiting. -Oh! I’m so excited!

There he is, Mister Poetry. Go...

-Hi... -Hi. I never met one of the Guys before.

I love you completely and utterly in a way that is unrestrained by any social norm.

Oh. Would you like to go up to my room?

Er, can we begin in the traditional way, first?

Oh, yes. That would be beautiful...

That was great...bye!

He was so beautiful.

-You were in two separate rooms? -Aagh!

-Wait a minute. Is he...? -I guess that’s all he wanted.

That technique has its advantages. Especially for him. He’s disgusting.

-Shut up! I thought he was the one! -Don’t worry, sweetheart. I bet the

Guys really enjoyed watching. Right, Guys? -Nope. Turned them off.

-I am not surprised. -No, I mean I’ve turned them off.

-You--you turned off the Guys? -Oh, they're going nuts. Look at the

messages, they are so mad.

-I’m going out. -Wait.

Cindy, you never go out.

I’m going to go to a bar. And I’m going to meet a guy. And we’re going to fall in

love. Oh, it’s going to be just like in the old movies.

-I can’t believe you would do this. -What? She deserves to find

-a man she loves. Screw the Guys! -They’re the only guys we don’t screw.

Who do you think pays for this house? This is a disaster, our entire way

of life is threatened. -Wait, the Guys pay for all this?

But they’re such creeps. -But these creeps have money and we

never even have to meet them. That’s the best kind of guy you can get.

-I’m ready. Let’s go.

Cindy, we’ve progressed further than finding guys in bars. That's why they

invented the internet.

Love is a dangerous thing, okay. It can lead to all types of consequences.

-Such as? -Expenses, emotion, pregnancy,

arguments, diseases, legal fees... -He’s right. We men, we're vulnerable.

True dat.

Come on girls, let’s leave these pricks behind.

You know what I think? Women are from Venus, and men are from the Dollar Store.

Can you believe those idiots? “We’re vulnerable”, wa-wa-wa. Euch.

Well they’re right. We know who we are. Every month we’re reminded that we’re

animals living on a planet that we’re absolutely connected to. Men don't know

who they are, or what they're for.

Men are okay. They lower their pants, you lower your expectations.

I knew a guy who used to rate women. To fuck this one, he’d need a bag over her

head. To fuck that one, he’d need a bag over her head, and three cans of beer.

To fuck a real dog, he’d need a bag over her head, a six-pack, and a bag over his

own head. Guys are so stupid, they confuse physical beauty with sexual attraction.

But we all know the truth, right? Ugly guys are the best fucks. They have to be.

I don’t care about ugly, I just want a man. But no man’s going to want me if I

have a hundred Guys. Right? -If you found a man who’d be okay with...

No, you’re right. Men are so insecure.

I’ve totally screwed up everything, haven’t I?

It was inevitable. Juanita, when do you graduate?

-A month. -A month. After that, I don’t think I’m

going to be able to afford the house. I’m sorry, everyone...

-Hell no! It’s been a great run, Cindy. -It has been a great run, hasn’t it?

You know what we should do tonight? We should put our males in bondage, and FORCE

them to have sex with us. Just like they do on Planet Orgasmo.

That’s so wrong!

Welcome to Planet Orgasmo!

-Harder. Harder! -Oh, Saint Jude!

-Who is he? -Patron Saint of lost causes...

Yeah, I guess so. Chris, you’re up. Clear space.

My turn, you puny earthling!

So all this is coming to an end, thanks to me... Are you okay?

I had hoped to, but no chance now.

What? You mean, you and Cindy? Oh my god, Nigel, does she know?

No, I’d have to tell her, and then she might want to have sex with me,

and that’s not going to happen, is it? -this is ridiculous. TRULY! JUANITA!

Get off those guys! Uh uh uh! Stand here. Nigel, every sized cock is normal, from

the smallest shrimp to the biggest... jumbo shrimp.

-Coitus interruptus! -This better be worth it.

-Nigel, I want to see your cock. -Thank you, no.

I don’t wish to be treated as a sex object, only defined by my genitalia.

-You what? -That’s how you treat men.

That’s how you see them. I see you guys do it all the time.

We do not!

Okay, yeah, maybe we do... -Yeah, a little bit, you guys do.

Well I’m not going to accept that kind of penis-centered abuse from your

proto-feminist hier-- You know what, fuck it. Just fuck it.

There, is that what you want?

-Nigel that’s a perfectly reasonable cock. -I bet it can be unreasonable.

-Nigel, who told you that was small? -The internet, the porn stars, they’ve

got these big dicks--

The fucking internet. It makes us and it breaks us.

-That’s a perfectly great cock! -So you think Cindy might like it?

-Cindy? -Cindy?

Yes, Nigel, I think she might.

Okay, then...I think we have some business to attend.

-So you really think...? -Yes.

Hey guys...Oh! Oh...Well, Nigel, what’s next on the boards?

Well Virginia just did “I” for internet sex. Complete disaster. Next up

would be “J”, for jealousy.

I refuse to do jealousy, let’s move on to “K”.

-Are you sure-- -Yes! “K”!

Klismaphilia. Erotic arousal by enemas?

-Sounds kinda fun. -Fun? Jake, I‘m not sure I

want to do this any more. -I thought you wanted to try everything.

Yeah well maybe it’s too many choices for one girl.

Life is about having choices. You can never have too many choices.

-She’s just nervous. The next letter is “L” for lesbian.

Oh. Right. I already took care of this.

Hey, Leslie?

-Leslie, penis at the door. Is it hard? -No, it's easy. They all are.

No penises allowed in here. -No penises allowed in here.

Yes I know, but it’s for Virginia. We talked about this, right?

Oh, yeah. Bring her in.

-Oh, I’m sorry. Were you two-- -No, if it's not a cock, I don't know

how to work it. Let’s go Jake.

-Okay girl, if you’re sure you want to do this, then let’s get it on.

Oh that’s such a cute cat. Is he yours?

-It’s a she. Vagina. -What?

That’s her name. If everyone insists on calling vaginas pussies, I thought

we should be consistent.

So...

You want to stroke my little Vagina?

-How was it? -She wants you.

-What does she want me for? -Such a loser. Virginia wants you.

No. No no no no she does not. We have a deal...

Work it out, Jake.

So...?

-So what happened? -I’m--she’s not the one I’m interested in.

Vagina?

Oh, fuck! I must have let the cat out. Leslie’s going to be so mad at me.

-Hi... -Virginia live here?

Yeah she’s here. But the whole lesbian thing isn’t going to work for her.

Come on in. -What lesbian thing?

Quiet...

Hi, there!

Vagina! Vagina? Where's my little girl? Come here Vagina? Come here...

-Virginia? -No, Vagina...

Ahh! Mom! Beccy! -What are you doing?

-The pussy. It's called Vagina. -I know, I go to the gynecologist.

And the correct word is vulva. Why is everybody naked?

-Do you need a towel? -Oh, yes.

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, no! Oh...

Thanks a lot, Steve.

So this is how you live? In a sex commune?

So what’s wrong with having sex?

Having sex is one thing. Having this much sex is outrageous!

Bathroom. Right now.

We just passed one, Momma. She’s here to see the urologist. For a procedure--

Beccy, why did you give her my address? This was our secret.

Because you are living in a world of sin and depravity. The Reverend says the

the end-times are coming, and if we-- -Beccy, TV evangelists are crazy.

All they care about is cars, whores and face-lifts.

I know right from wrong. And sex before marriage is wrong.

How are you going to know the marriage is right if the sex isn’t?

-What about love? -We’re talking about sex,

what's love got to do with it?

What’s looove...got to do with it, got to--oh...uh uh uh...

Beccy, We’re going. Virginia, now you call me, if you have

time between all your social engagements!

Mmmm... Can’t. I’ll be way too busy with all my orgies and sex stuff.

-You okay? -My mother caught me looking for Vagina,

and now we all have to move out because I thought that love was more important...

Sure, I’m fine. -Are we okay?

-Ugh! -Leslie said you wanted me for something.

Yeah, what do you think that could be?

Virginia please, be reasonable. I just--I need to talk.

-Oh, do you want to talk now? -Yeah...

Okay. I just want to say... You know, you and me...

I just want you to be happy. You know, like I am.

You’re happy? Jake, all you are is a life support system for your dick.

How are you happy? -Aren’t you?

-No! -But you have everything

you need right here. -But I don’t have you!

Hey, we made an agreement...

No, Jake, you made an agreement. You’ve been scared of me ever since the

day I got to this house, and I don’t know why. But I’m not stupid, okay? I can see

that I’m under your skin as much as you’re under mine. I think...

I think I could love you. Could you ever feel the same?

-Sure. -So say it.

Come on, you know that...

You know that I have a hard time saying what I feel.

No. I think you have a hard time feeling what you feel...

I made a mistake. I’m going to pack up my things and I’m going to get a job.

-What the fuck am I supposed to do? -if you ain’t knowing, I ain’t telling.

- I’m literally at the door. - Have you tried knocking?

- Yeah, somebody’s coming. - Is it her?

I don’t know, I don’t see her. I’m waiting for someone to--

Hi. Again.

Hi, is my sister here?

No, she left about a week ago. Got a job in the Quarter.

-She’s not here, Mom. -Oh, for heaven’s sake!

Don’t shout at me...

-She hung up. -You don’t have a smart phone?

Mother won’t allow it. She’s afraid of what I might see on the internet...

Oooh, right. I have Ginny’s new address in my room, if you want to come in

for a cold drink?

So, what was your name again?

-Hi Jake. Again... -So you got a job at a sex shop?

-It’s an art gallery. -Mmm...that’s a pity. Sex sells.

Well art sells for more and it’s dirtier.

Oh, hi. Good afternoon. Please take a look around.

-Thank you. -Ginny, I miss you. We need to talk.

Well, I don’t miss you, Jake, okay?

Bastard.

-Remarkable, isn’t it? It is in fact the actual penis of the artist.

-His own penis? -Yes, his very last erection. He had it

injected with a quick-drying elastomer moments before it was surgically removed.

-Why would he want to lose his penis? -Uh, to become a better human being.

-Mmm... -So... So this is the real thing?

Yep. She just wanted to be rid of the damned thing. Now while he was

an expensive artist, she is even more so.

-Ginny you need to come back to the house. -Jake, no, please. I’m working off of

commission, and I haven’t made a single sale. Can you please go?

-But you really need to come back. -Can you actually use this?

Oh, yes. The artist is very keen on her penis being used, now that she’s finished

with it. She sees it as a combination of life after death and recycling.

-Can we--can we try it out? -Uh, can you try it out?

-Mmhmm. -Uh, no, I'm afraid not.

Uh, but you can touch it, I guess.

-Oh my God, it’s--It’s perfect. -We'll take it.

-But it's twenty-five thousand dollars. -For art like this, that’s cheap.

Okay, you guys, it’s a fake. It’s a fake penis. It’s not real.

-Oh, we know that. -Okay well you know you could just

go,like, buy a dildo, or something? -No, no, no, then we’d have to hide it.

This is art. We can display this in our living room. We’ll take it.

Okay...

-Hey, everybody. Look who it is. -Hey, guys and gals...

-Oh. Virginia? -Hi....

-Okay, what the fuck is going on? -You need to go see Leslie.

Seriously?

Ginny, I wanted to tell you, I just didn’t know how.

I was scared you were going to tell Mom. And this is not just sex. Although--

golly gosh--the sex is so great. I didn’t even know it was possible.

I mean, I came, and I can’t stop coming. I know it’s wicked, I just--it feels so

completely right, and I love this woman so much. Please tell me it’s okay?

I know this is not what-- -Stop!

It’s beautiful.

-I am SO glad we didn’t fuck. -Fuck yeah! So am I...

-Dan dah-dah dah! Here she is!

I got it! I graduated. And I got offered a job!

Now that everyone’s here, I have an announcement to make. Take a seat.

Before we leave the house... I’m getting married!

Wait, what?

No, no, no. His name is Winston. We met at a party. He rolled off of some

girl, our eyes met, and there he was. -Oh, that is so romantic.

-What kind of person is he? -Six inches.

-Beer bottle? -Beer can.

-Oh my goodness! -Truly!

-But does he love you? -Can't keep his hands off of me.

Well, okay. There must be something special about him?

Oh yeah. Yeah...yeah!

-So, what is it? -He, uh...He bends to the left.

-He what? -I have a displaced G-spot. It’s over

to the right, he bends to the left, so it’s perfect.

You’re going to marry a man because his penis bends to the left?

-Don’t you worry, I’ll make it work. -Congratulations, you idiot!

Hey, Cindy! You going to wear something crazy to the wedding?

I don’t think I can go to the wedding.

Wha-what? What?! Why not?

Look at you. You’re moving on with your career, and you’re getting married.

Meanwhile I’ve been doing this same job for fifteen years, and I’ve never even had

a real boyfriend. I better go to my room.

No! Wait. Just wait.

-Steve, we cannot interfere. -Bullshit.

-Speak. -I...I think you should get the

Guys back online. They miss you. -And...?

-And I can’t bear to see you unhappy. -Because?

-Because I...I love you. -Huh! But you never said.

Because I thought the Guys would get mad at me.

Oh, right. I guess no one would want all the Guys there watching.

Actually...that kinda turns me on.

Then why the FUCK didn’t you tell me? I want you to turn on the cam, get

the Guys back online right now. Now go upstairs, take off your clothes,

and lie on the bed naked. -Gyah-ha!

Wait, Cindy! Does this mean--

-Oh, yeah. We can all stay in the house. -Yes!

Steve, you were brilliant. I never knew you had feelings.

-Sure I do. I just keep ‘em in my dick. -My kind of guy...

So this means you can stay at the house again, right?

No, Jake. I’ll see you at the wedding.

You have the brain the size of one of my testicles.

Look, I know what you all think, okay, but you just don’t get it.

Virginia doesn’t want all of that stuff. She’s a sensible person, she doesn’t

want to ruin what we have. What am I going to do, chase after her? How’s that going

to look, right? And then what am I going to say, “Virginia, I love you!”

-Anyway, you don’t even have testicles. -Neither do you.

Nigel...

-Oh, hey, Jake, looking good. -I think so. You, too.

Mom! Dad! There you are!

-So good to meet you. -Oh! So you’re Truly?

-Yes. -Where’s he? Him? Our...our son.

You know him, he takes so long to get dressed.

-Why did you choose W... -Winston.

Yes, I know what his name is! Why did you choose... Winston?

He's exactly right for me. You know how a big one just hits you right at the back,

slams your wall like an interior remodel. And a small one, yeah, it just tickles all

the right places? Well Winston, he’s right in the middle. Real nice shape, big head,

smooth shaft, little curve. Oh my god, incredibly hard. Feels like he’s made to

measure, with the pelvic bone like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, just hits my clit like

a jackhammer bub-bub-bubbub-bub. Almost as good as my vibrator, and how many guys can

you say that about? I just come like Chris

Oh, you cannot save Truly from herself.

Let’s get this done everybody!

The ceremony will be led by an ordained

minister from the Church of Perpetual Abandon.

My friend...Steve.

Thank you, thank you... Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Dearly beloved, let’s cut right to the chase. Haul him in!

Thank you, Sister Virginia, Brother Jake. Now I have been told to make this quick,

so that we may get back to our party. -Yeah, no rings. Except this one.

-Aaah! -Oh ho, wonderful! Now do you,

Winston, dude, do you take this woman, Truly, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

-He does. -Yeah, he has to say that.

-Oh please. I want her to give my answers. -Yeah, not this one.

-Okay, so, I... I do. I do! I do! -Wonderful, wonderful! Now do you Truly--

-Poem, poem, poem. Can I do my poem now? -We have a poem!

-Oh, no... -Hey, so I watched this movie, and they

got married, and some guy said a poem. Crying, everyone. Or maybe it was a

funeral? Same fucking thing, right?

Sorry, sorry. Anyway...

Before we sign our oath, my love We can't depend on luck

One thing we must agree, my dove And that's the way we fuck.

You see a girl you want, my love Go on, take a chance

Give her all the dick you got But give me your romance.

See a boy you want, my love Take him by the hair

-Yeah... -Take him any way you want

As long as I can share. -Oh, yeah...

So bring it home to me, my love Let our love be free

Have sex with anything you like Just bring it home to me.

Alright, let’s hit it! -Well um...Do you Truly take him,

Winston, yes Winston, to be your lawfully wedded wife...hus--husband?

-Both, yes I do. -Wonderful, wonderful. Well now by the

power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.

-I love you so much. -I love you, too, big boy.

Everyone in the pool!

-To the poool! -Wooh!

No, no, it’s okay, sit down.

Oh god...WINSTON! Your father!

-Don’t worry, I know CPR. -No! Get away fronm here. FUCK OFF! HA!

I haven’t done this in years...

I’ve been waiting to do this... my entire...life!

-Go on! -Ginny, you leaving again?

-Maybe. Can I embarrass you, Jake? -Not possible. Try it.

You’re a really good friend. And thanks to you I have a bunch more.

-Oh...well, okay. -And there’s nothing you could

-Oh...well, okay. -And there’s nothing you could

ever do to hurt me, except lie to me. -What would I possibly have to lie

to you about? You’ve seen me-- -Screwing everything that moves.

Yeah, I know. And that’s all fine, Jake. I like what you are, and I don't want you

to change. But just promise me you won’t stop change if it happens to you.

Yeah, sure, okay. Umm, can we move on?

Listen, um, are you free the first of next month?

-For you, yes. -That’s the day we get married.

What?

I’m thinking you love me. Deny it.

I...Is this a joke? Gi-- Let’s just hook up for a while.

-For you, that means nothing. -We haven’t even had sex.

-You had your chance. -Virginia, you can’t force me to

spend the rest of my life with you. -Well, then you’re gonna be without me

for the rest of your life. Which is worse? Listen, Jake...I love you. And this is the

only way I’m going to get you. So if you say no, we both walk away.

-I’m not very good at saying-- -That’s why I’m saying it for you.

-I can’t just make a decision. -I made it for you.

So you’re saying, I don’t have any choice in this? I don’t have a choice right now?

-Done? -Done.

Congratulations, Jake. Here are the keys to this car. We put the papers in the

glove box, packed your stuff inside, so you can take it, drive off, get on with

your life and never come back, or...

Classic girl? Classic car? What’s it going to be, Jake?

Jake, life isn’t about having choices. It’s about making them.

Okay, I see what you’re doing everybody, thank you very much, I appreciate it,

but I think it’s a little too much...

I mean, I’m a pretty reasonable guy, but I know what I’m doing, okay?

You think I haven’t really thought this over?

This is outrageous! AAAAAAAAHHHH!

Yaaaahaaaaw...!

Eh, eh?

Come on, let’s do it!

-Are you kidding, now? -Yeah, why not?

-Well, this is Charlie’s Garage? -This is where we met!

Okay...understand, there’s no chance you’re gonna make me come.

-Jake, yes I am. -No, I promise you it’s

not going to happen. -No, I really really am.

-No, I’m serious-- -No, and I’m being serious, too--

There’s absolutely no way you’re gonna make me come!