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POLICE CAR BELL CLANGING

MACHINE-GUN FIRE

GUNSHOTS

How many of them, Inspector? Four at least, Superintendent.

Including Trigger O'Flynn.

Right. Give me the loudhailer, will you?

All right, O'Flynn.

I'll give you just 15 seconds to come out.

Now, you know me.

One.

Two.

It's Pitkin himself. What do we do, Trigger?

Four.

I'll handle this one personal.

Six.

Seven. Eight.

Nine.

11.

12.

13.

14.

You're being silly, O'Flynn.

This is it.

15. All right, O'Flynn, I'm coming to get you.

Take a gun, sir.

MACHINE-GUN FIRE

Trigger O'Flynn!

Trigger O'Flynn!

Come out, wherever you are.

I'm coming up for you.

Try this side, Inspector!

Over here, Commissioner.

All right, O'Flynn, the game's up.

Now, drop that.

Come any nearer, I'll kill you.

Kill me? LAUGHS

I am Pitkin of the Yard.

Not for long, you're not.

Start saying your prayers.

Oh, Mr Pitkin.

Wake up, Mr Pitkin. Wake up!

What is it? Wake up, Mr Pitkin.

Your morning tea, Mr Pitkin.

Oh, thank you, Mrs Stammers.

Nasty dream you had. I used to have them once.

I suppose Pitkin will be off early to Scotland Yard to solve this lot.

No need to be sarcastic, Mr Bassett.

You try solving some crimes instead of sitting about all day.

Do you know who done this Soho job, then?

I am not at liberty to disclose police business to strangers,

Mr Bassett.

Huh! Don't let your tea get cold, dear.

Don't worry, Dad. You'll be proud of me.

I shall be head of Scotland Yard yet!

Got the cigarettes, darling? In my handbag.

I shall have to ask you to come along a-me.

What's the idea?

Now, I must warn you that anything you say

will be taken down and used in evidence against you.

Get this damn thing off me. What are you talking about?

I saw you put your hand in that lady's handbag.

That happens to be my wife's handbag.

Pardon?

This lady is my wife, and that's her handbag.

Oh. Sorry.

I mean, well, I didn't know. Unlock it. Get it off.

Erm... can't. Why not?

I haven't got the keys. You haven't...!

Any case, I've got to get off here. I'm not getting off here.

You'll have to. I mustn't be late at the Yard. Come on!

Mind the doors!

I know, darling.

The train's going now. The train's...going...!

It's moving! Me hand!

The wall! The wall! Aargh! The wall!

Well, Elsie, do something! Well, I...

Yes, go on.

Go on, Elsie, harder!

Oh, hurry up, Elsie.

No, don't do that! Quicker!

No, don't do that.

That's all that's holding me!

A file's no good.

You want a hacksaw for that.

Hacksaw!

Ow!

Come on.

Oh! A station! A station!

Oh. Oh...

I mustn't be late at the Yard.

Morning, Sergeant. Morning.

Good morning, Mr Bollington. Morning.

Pitkin, I'd like you to take over the Flying Squad today.

Very well, sir.

Pitkin!

Yes, Mr Bollington?

The Flying Squad like their cars spotless.

Yes, Mr Bollington. And, Pitkin...

Yes, Mr Bollington?

Make sure the wireless aerials are thoroughly clean.

Yes, Mr Bollington.

Oh, Mr Bollington!

Oh, I've got one 'ere! They've got to have clean aerials,

so... so they don't get any dirty messages! Ain't they!

HE LAUGHS What about that?

Pitkin!

Yes, Mr Bollington?

We don't want any humorous quips either.

Yes, Mr Bollington. Well, get on with it, then.

Oh, Boll... ington!

Do you seriously mean

that you can take no action about this appalling list of crimes?

the fact is, sir, they all point to one man,

but we can't actually pin anything on him.

There are one or two pieces missing from the jigsaw, sir.

PHONE RINGS

Yes?

Oh, yes, of course. It's for you, sir.

Not now, I'm in conference. It's the Home Secretary, sir.

Commissioner speaking. 'I'm tired of this nonsense!'

Yes, sir. RANTING CONTINUES

Yes, sir. Quite so.

There are still one or two pieces missing from the jigsaw.

RANTING CONTINUES We'll do everything we can.

The Home Secretary is now getting impatient.

We can't make an arrest until we've got sufficient evidence, sir.

This man you mentioned. Chief Superintendent, who is he?

He's a ladies' hairdresser, sir.

That's right, sir. We think he's using his salon as a cover.

His name is Giulio Napolitani.

Sounds Italian.

Yes, sir.

Have you got somebody watching his establishment? Yes, sir.

Sergeant Wilkins should be making contact with him any moment now.

Yes, madam? My name is Wilkins.

I have an appointment.

Lucinda Wilkins? Yes.

Come this way, madam.

Would you mind waiting here a moment, madam? No, not at all.

WHIRRING

Will you come this way, please?

You seem awfully busy.

I do hope I shall get Signor Giulio's personal attention.

Don't worry, madam,

Signor Giulio can deal with as many as six heads at a time.

So I see.

Lisa!

What is this sort of person doing in my salon?

I cannot make her beautiful.

Madonna! Ma cosa posso fare io?

Ah!

Lady Hinchingford!

Giulio, darling, could I have a teeny weeny little fringe?

What do you want a fringe for? You have the lovely face.

Fringes are for the ladies with the longer face,

not the sweet face like this one.

Some faces, like this one, should have the fringe down here!

Don't worry. Oberon prepare.

Giulio, he create.

What I do with this?

You may proceed as you think fit, Guilio.

For you, I create a sweep here, a sweep there, bellissimo!

Siete la pi brutta donna che ho mai visto in vita mia.

Ah, now, naughty, naughty! Translation, please.

Sorry.

It mean you are beautiful.

Oh, flatterer.

Oh, you don't believe me?

Look for yourself!

Well, I do see what you mean.

Perhaps beautiful isn't quite the right word.

Perhaps not. But Giulio, he is a genius.

Oberon prepare.

Giulio, he create!

I have only one pair of hands, Giulio. Shut your mouth.

Let's get down to business.

Well, George, what-a we find?

This one sounds the best bet. Number five.

Number five? The Countess of Dewsbury? Yeah.

'What are you wearing to Rigoletto tonight?'

'Absolutely everything, my dear. Tiara, pendant, diamonds, the lot.

'Charles is taking them out of the safe deposit this afternoon.'

This could be what we've been waiting for.

Tell the boys, this afternoon.

Where is the girl? In the office.

Hm... OK.

Not-a bad. Not-a bad.

She's pretty good, huh? Her father sent this with her.

You read it.

Vattene!

'Carissimo Giulio, this is my daughter Rosanna.

'The union of our two families

will bring to an end much unnecessary bloodshed,

and cement agreement that you will operate unmolested in London,

'leaving my organisation to operate without interference in Sicily.'

It's signed Enrico Guardia.

She's a good bargain. Better than I think.

I very happy.

Vattene, ti dico!

You don't like-a me... but your father, he say you must marry me.

Marry you?

Piuttosto mi ammazzerei.

Sei un porco! Un cane.

Una bestia feroce che certo finir in galera.

I'd rather die! That can be arranged, too.

If you want, boss. No, no, no, no, no.

Sono l'uomo d'onore! Giulio stick to this bargain.

It's good for business. Take her upstairs.

Mama, she tell her what a nice boy her Giulio is.

Piccolo verme!

Don't worry, Giulio.

She really loves you.

That's right.

She really loves me.

Oi! Sorry.

Uh-uh!

Isn't my car ready, Pitkin?

It won't be long, sir. I wanted it for lunch.

Erm... it wouldn't half give you indigestion, sir!

HE LAUGHS

Try turning on the water.

Oh... cor...

No, no, no! Come back.

Turn it on at the nozzle.

Whoops! Agh!

Now, don't start larking about.

You're asking for it, ain't you?

You little... No, no!

I'll never get your car done, Mr Ackroyd.

LAUGHS

Where are you? Here!

Agh! HE LAUGHS

Are you going to give in?

You'll get yourself soaked.

You'll get soaking wet.

LAUGHS

Oh! Agh!

LAUGHS, MIMICS LAUGHTER

SPUTTERS

Good heavens, sir! What's happened?

That lunatic!

Get out. Get out of here! Get out!

You've got my leather.

CLATTERING, GLASS SMASHES

You're fired! Hey!

Now what have I done?

One... two chamois leathers,

one pail... one spoke brush.

One cap, peaked, car park attendant, for the use of.

All correct.

And now, Pitkin, get out.

Pitkin!

Mr Bollington, I'd like to ask your permission

to have another shot at joining the police force.

Not here, you won't.

If you'll put in a word for me...

Pitkin, if you were six feet tall, weighed 20 stone

and were weightlifting champion of the world,

I still wouldn't put in a good word for you.

You're not cut out to be a policeman.

You haven't got it here and you haven't got it here.

I'm letting my dad down. Do you see? Get out.

Yeah.

You know, Mr Bollington, you haven't got it here either.

You can rest assured, Mr Bollington,

one of these days I shall be a policeman.

Just like my dad was.

I'd, erm, like to join the police, please, sir.

Name? Erm... Pitkin.

Haven't I seen your face somewhere before?

No, sorry.

Well, you're a fine, tall specimen.

Wait here a moment. I'll see if I can get you a medical check.

All... all right.

WHIMPERS

You're lucky. The doctor was just going.

This way.

Well, close the door.

Good gracious!

Well, come on, over here.

Good Lord!

HE CHUCKLES

It's been a shocking old day again, hasn't it?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Now, then...

Seven foot one!

Hey, wait a minute, that's my fault.

You've still got your hat on. Now...

Ooh, damn it. Any damage?

No, it's all right.

Six foot eleven. Yeah.

Come on, over here.

Now, read that chart.

Z. Yeah.

B. Clearly.

R. Say that again.

R. Aaargh!

That saves time later. Go on, next line.

D, O, H.

P, J, W, E,

W, H, N...

Hello. Hello.

Er, D... W, Z, T...

Never mind that for a minute. What?

God!

What?

You've got a very good ear. Oh. Have I?

Yeah. Are you fond of music? Of course. I love music.

Then I might be able to put you into the police choir.

Ooh! What?

I'm the choirmaster. EXCITED STUTTERING

Now, don't go away. Now, then. Wait a minute.

There we are.

Now, see if you can read that. I think I can.

Q, R, Z...

B flat? A natural?

L, B...

SINGS: C sharp.

BOTH SING: G, B, C sharp...

C sharp.

And a D. D.

# Da dee da-da dee-dee dee-da La-la-la dee-dee

# La-la la-la-tra La-la-la la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la lo

# La-la-la, dicky um-pum Pum-pum dicky-dicky um-pum...

# La...

# La-la-la dicky um-pum...

# La-la-la

# La la la laa-laa-laaaaaa! #

How do you like that tune? Oh, pretty, pretty, pretty!

It's a little thing I knocked off myself.

Yeah? I thought I'd heard it somewhere before.

Come over here.

Weight!

Come on, then. Weight.

What is your... weight?

Oh... CHUCKLES

Nine stone 12 pounds dead.

How much alive?

Oh, yeah. How's that?

Come over here.

Now, take your jacket off, roll your sleeve up and sit down there,

there's a good lad.

Nine stone 12... dead.

Hold that under there, there's a good chap.

There we are. We'll soon get you fixed up.

There.

I don't like the look of that.

It'll have to come off. What? Me arm?

No, no, no, no. This. AIR HISSES

The next thing is to test your reflexes.

That's the next item on the agenda, lad.

Now, then. Hold that up there like that. There we are.

Feel that?

Your elbow! Oh!

Take it away.

Ow! Gotcha!

Cross your legs.

Gotcha!

Relax.

Come here.

Me?

Come on.

Got a bit of a limp, haven't you?

I'm sorry, son. I shall have to turn down your application.

I shall fight it.

I didn't get away with it, Dad.

Why couldn't I be as big as you?

Officer! Officer! Excuse me, Officer.

I'm an American tourist... and I'm lost.

Could you direct me to Grosvenor Square?

Erm... Grosvenor Square...

Erm... well, of course.

You'll have to get to the high street first.

I'll, erm...

I'll take you up there myself.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Officer.

Have you been to many interesting places?

Oh, indeed I have. Now, let me see.

There was Westminster Abbey and Buckingham Palace.

And oh, that bloody Tower!

Oh, yeah, very annoying.

SHE LAUGHS

There you are, madam.

Any bus'll do you now. 47, 23...

Do you think you could call me a cab?

Or perhaps you're not allowed to, Officer?

WHISTLES

I wasn't speeding, guv.

Now, watch it, that's all.

Just watch it.

Grosvenor Square, please. Thank you, Officer.

You London policemen are just wonderful.

Evening News and Standard! All the winners!

Evening News and Standard!

Get your evening paper over here.

Evening News and Standard!

All the winners, runners and riders for tomorrow.

Evening News and Standard! Get your evening paper here.

Evening News and Sta...

QUIETLY: Evening News and Standard.

QUIETLY: Evening News and Standard.

Yes? Tea, please.

Sugar, Chick.

Hey, copper! That's my tea you got there.

LAUGHTER

CAR HORN BLARES

Hey!

Come 'ere.

You're not allowed to play football in the streets.

You know that, don't you?

But there's nowhere else to play.

I can't help that.

You're not allowed to play here.

But can't we just have one game of football, please, sir?

Not here, you can't.

But we haven't got anywhere else to play, sir.

You'll have to find somewhere. But there isn't nowhere, sir.

Isn't there? No, sir.

Just a couple of kicks, then. ALL CHEER

ALL SHOUT

Oi! Oi! Quiet!

Now, break it up, boys. Break it up!

You've started to make a noise already.

He started it. He kicked off before we was ready.

Sir, will you be our referee?

You got the whistle and everything.

All: Yeah! Go on!

All right. Just five minutes each way, then.

ALL CHEER

Go on, get in your places.

BLOWS WHISTLE

BLOWS WHISTLE

BLOWS WHISTLE

WHISTLE CONTINUES

WHISTLES BLOW

Hey! BLOWS WHISTLE

WHISTLE BLOWING

MANY WHISTLES

BLOWS WHISTLE

MANY WHISTLES

I repeat, this information is to all cars.

POLICE BELL CLANGS

MANY WHISTLES

MANY WHISTLES

Not too hard. Argh!

MANY WHISTLES

DISTANT WHISTLES

Oh!

Ooh, there's hundreds.

Aren't you going to play any more?

Haven't you got me in enough trouble already?

MANY WHISTLES

Stop!

All: Stop! WHISTLES STOP

BLOWS WHISTLE

Oi!

MANY WHISTLES

WHISTLES STOP

Where did he go, sir?

I don't know.

What does he look like? Don't know, sir.

I don't know, sir. What do you mean you don't know?

You've seen him, haven't you? No, sir.

Somebody must know what he looks like.

Who gave the alarm? Who blew the whistle?

I thought you blew the whistle. Not me.

Well, who did? Was it you?

Oh, no, sir. We were playing cards, sir.

We were standing by in S Division, sir.

Who did? I was on duty at Tottenham, sir.

ALL MUTTERING

MUTTERING STOPS

There he goes, down the alley.

Quick! Come on!

Oh!

Agh!

You mustn't cross on the stairs. It's unlucky.

Come on!

Spread out!

Are you going to be our referee again?

No, I'm not!

Don't worry, officer, we've got our own whistle.

Have you?

Oh, don't blow it! Don't!

Argh! BLOWS WHISTLE

That's my dad's.

SINGS LA DONNA E MOBILE

Boss, you want your holster tonight? No, no, no.

Tonight is for the lovings.

You like this Rosanna, huh?

Oh-ho-ho! Sure thing.

She have the curves in the right places.

I don't think she's too sold on you.

Oh, she play hard to get.

She change her mind when I take her in my arms

and give her the big kiss and whisper in her ear...

.."Darling, you look so pretty, so very, very pretty."

Everything is fixed for the job tonight?

Don't worry. You'll have the old girl's jewels in your safe

by nine o'clock tomorrow morning.

Ah, Giulio, mio bambino! Oh, you are handsome tonight!

RIBS CRUNCHING

Oh, mama mia!

I smell pretty good, too, huh? Yeah, like a scent factory.

Shut your mouth. You will-a spoke when you are speaken to.

Now, get out.

You too, mama mia.

Here are the tickets for the Albert Hall.

For the opera? No, for the wrestling.

Is good fun, you like.

BONES CRACKING Mama!

Ciao!

Is good. At last we are together.

Mia carissima Rosanna, quanto sei bella!

HE CHUCKLES

Your eyes are as blue as the Bay of Naples.

Lasciatemi stare.

Your lips sono magnifici!

Vieni, vieni!

Vorrei tornare in Italia.

Oh, you want play?

Rosanna, put your arms around me and enjoy yourself.

It don't hurt. It don't hurt!

Let that be the last time you impersonate a police officer.

Just a minute. Where are you taking that uniform?

Home.

That's Metropolitan Police property.

That's my dad's.

Go on, hop it.

Hey! No, wait.

No, don't do it! Don't do it!

Help! Anybody can swim? Anyone can swim? There's a girl...

HE GRUNTS IN EFFORT

SHE SCREAMS

Ti odio!

Perch non mi lasciate tornare in Italia.

Shh! You'll have the police here. I've only just got out.

I will never marry you. Never.

I haven't asked you to, have l?

I am sorry.

I think you are somebody else.

You're foreign, ain't you?

But you are not Giulio? Oh, no, no, I'm Norman.

Erm... Norman Pitkin, that is.

I'm, erm...

..I'm a policeman. A policeman?

Your uniform, where is she?

Oh, well... you know,

I haven't been...

you might say, not properly accepted, not as yet.

Just a question of time.

They don't understand.

Erm... what is your name?

Rosanna.

And where do you live?

I have nowhere to live now.

Oh. Well... how would you like to come round

to my place for the night, then?

I just want to get your clothes off.

I mean... to get into dry ones.

Coming, then?

Grazie. Grazie...

That's thank you in foreign, ain't it? That's nice.

Morning, Mr Pitkin. I've brought you a nice cup of...

Mr Pitkin!

Mr Pitkin?

You're not Mr Pitkin.

No. No, I am Rosanna.

What are you doing here?

Mr Pitkin, he brought me home with him last night.

Oh, did he? Oh, no. You don't understand.

Mr Pitkin saved my life.

Did he really?

Oh, yes, he was so brave. Thank you.

He dive into the river. I was drown.

Drowning.

And he rescue me from drown.

Just like Mr Pitkin! Where is he now?

SPLUTTERS

Sergeant Wilkins to see you, sir. Tell her to come in.

Well, Sergeant Wilkins?

I proceeded to Maison Giulio, where, after a preliminary examination,

he styled and cut my hair in the modern manner.

Yes, yes. Go on.

I observed there were microphones

hidden under all the tables and washbasins.

I then exposed some movie film of the actions

and behaviour of the said suspect, Giulio Napolitani.

I have here some still photographs enlarged from the film.

Thank you.

So, this is Giulio Napolitani.

Well, I'm damned!

Hobson, Belcher, come in here, quickly.

Hobson, Belcher, who's that? Giulio Napolitani, sir.

No, no, no! Who does it remind you of?

Who is it like?

Who's the little fool in the car park, washes the cars down?

Pitkin, sir.

We agreed we have to plant someone in Napolitani's place

to get the evidence we need. Right, Hobson? Belcher?

Yes, sir. Well, there's your man!

Take away the moustache, cover the hair and who have you got?

BOTH: Pitkin!

Pitkin? Oh, but sir, that'd be madness.

Forgive me, gentlemen.

I was carried away.

Just for a moment, I thought...

Sergeant, a glass of water, please.

Yes, sir. PHONE RINGS

Yes? Home Secretary, sir.

Yes, sir? FURIOUS RANTING

Yes, sir.

We think we have a plan, sir.

There's no other way. Get Pitkin.

Hello, Inspector.

I hear you're not going to the Yard today. Got the sack?

When you're as important as Mr Pitkin,

you'll be able to take a day off.

Good afternoon.

I would like to talk to Mr Pitkin.

Who shall I say is enquiring?

Superintendent Hobson, Scotland Yard.

Oh, y-yes, he's right here.

Hello, Pitkin. Hello, Super.

I should like a few words with you.

Do you mind?

This is a private police matter. Oh, no, of course not.

Allow me.

Norman. Thank you.

So you see, Pitkin,

although technically you will still be a car park attendant,

in actual fact you will be doing a job of national importance.

But I got the sack.

That's another job!

Now, what's your answer?

Mr Hobson, if I'm to do a police job, I want to be in the police!

That's out of the question!

Now, Pitkin, Sir Ronald Ackroyd has personally authorised me

to offer you a raise of half a crown a week.

Half a crown?

Money isn't everything.

It's either the police or nothing.

So there it is.

Hobson's choice, ain't it?

Or rather, Mr Hobson's choice.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You're too small! I'm not.

Yes, you are! Oh.

Well, in that case,

I see no point in discussing the matter any further.

Good afternoon, Superintendent.

Now, wait a minute, Pitkin... Good afternoon, Superintendent.

HE SIGHS

Madam, may I phone Scotland Yard? Oh! Well, of course.

The number is Whitehall 1212.

I'm aware of that, madam.

INAUDIBLE

May I use your... Oh.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Do come in. Thank you.

Sir Ronald Ackroyd, Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police,

for Mr Pitkin.

Now, what's all this I hear, Pitkin?

He insists on being a member of the force, sir.

We've explained that it's impossible, sir.

They're right, Pitkin. I'm sorry.

In that case I am not interested in returning to Scotland Yard.

Not unless I'm a proper policeman, like my dad was.

Yes, splendid looking fellow.

Of course.

Taller than you. He was older than me.

I hope you're not annoyed because I sacked you yesterday, Pitkin.

I was a bit, cos you was messing about just as much as I was,

weren't you? Truth? Truth?

All right, Pitkin, perhaps I was.

Now, let's discuss this matter as friends.

Cup of tea? No, thank you.

What's your first name, old chap? Erm...

..Norman. Well, then, Norman,

isn't it reward enough to bring a desperate criminal to justice?

Oh, now, wait a minute, Ron. Let's be fair.

I am not going to do it, not unless I am in the police.

Not what you might call or commonly refer to

as being really, actually "in".

All right, Pitkin. If you insist.

But the regulations, sir! We'll have to change them.

He's the key to this operation. Now, does that satisfy you, Norman?

What? Being the key, Ron?

Does that satisfy me?

Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron!

Oh, Mr Hobson, now we're all as one, ain't we?

Hey, what's your first name? Cecil.

Bert. Aw, Cec, this is it!

Hang on a minute, I'm just going to pop upstairs and...

Bert Belcher,

you could have had me over then.

You...!

Oh, thank heavens we haven't split up! Oh, what a team, eh?

Ron, Cec, Bert, and now Norm!

The four just men.

SHOUTS GLEEFULLY

In case you think I've taken leave of my senses,

Pitkin remains in the force only until the job is done.

In the meantime, we must accept him and train him for special duties.

When you say "we", sir, do you actually mean we?

Yes!

We.

Rosanna?

EXCITED KNOCKING Come in.

Rosanna, it's happened!

It's happened! They've taken me.

I'm going to get sworn in. You have to swear?

Oh... oh, no.

You don't understand, do you?

I am going to be a policeman.

Aren't you pleased?

Si. Si, Norman. Complimenti.

Are you going out, Rosanna?

Si. And I not come back.

Did I do something wrong?

No. No, Norman.

You never do anybody wrong. Only right you do.

But you're too good to me and...

I must go.

But... there must be a reason.

Do you want to go? Oh, no. You have to pay for me here.

Oh. Why, I don't mind.

But I am not your... How you say? Responsibilita.

Is not fair I should stay here longer.

But this is the first time in my life that I've ever...

I like being responsible for you.

You are so sweet.

You make I should want to cry.

Then you will stay?

Si. I stay.

That's settled, then.

You wait till you see me in my uniform!

I just go out now, Mrs Stammers.

We go. Let's pick her up. Presto.

Do you want me?

I have found a smashing uniform. It's got everything.

So kind of you to grace us with your presence, Pitkin.

Yes, we do want you.

There's a film we want you to see. Sit down.

Pictures!

We're not going to see a picture, are we?

Cor! This is the life, ain't it?

And you waited for me before you started the programme.

Oh, now I know I'm one of you.

I won't forget this. I won't forget it.

All right, here we go, then.

Hello, spring's gone on this one.

Pitkin, you're on my hand.

Hobson, we are getting a little pressed for time.

Yes, I think we should start. Good idea. Lights!

Hello? Busted already?

No, Pitkin, not busted.

What? That's not it, is it? That is it.

And that's what you have to copy.

What do you mean?

You saw how the man walked on the screen. Let's see you do that.

Who? Me? What...?

Hear what he's saying?

Did he mean it? Of course.

That is, if you really want to stay in the police.

Oh, yeah, well...

I want to stay.

I can't stand much more of this, Hobson. We've no alternative, sir.

Now, Pitkin.

Can I see a bit more of the picture, Mr Hobson?

I feel I'll be able to master it. Eh?

Roll 'em. Lights!

Lights!

Lights!

Pitkin! Lights!

KNOCK ON DOOR

You put the lights out before I was ready

and I finished up... out there.

Pitkin!

To avoid confusion, perhaps it would be better

if only one of us gave the orders!

Roll.

Lights!

Lights.

Sorry.

HE YELLS

I've had enough of this.

Forget the film, forget the lights. I'll forget all about it.

Now, Pitkin, try.

Try and get this one little thing right. You'll get all I've got.

Watch me carefully. I'll show you.

As you put your foot forward, you let your weight rest onto it,

so that your hip swings outwards.

Then change feet, that is to say turn on the other one,

transferring the weight in exactly the same manner.

Now this you continue to do alternately.

Now, having once mastered the movement of our hips and our feet,

we bring our artistic hands into play, and there we are.

Now you do it. Just one moment, Hobson.

Constable, fetch a couple of books, will you, please?

Very good idea, sir.

No. Hand shoulder high.

Watch your feet.

Whey-hey! Lady Chatterley's... On your head.

No. Imagine it, Pitkin. I will, I will.

Yes, imagine it. Grip myself.

On me head now. On your head.

That's it. That's better.

That's splendid! Now your head!

Keep them moving, not static. And don't forget your hips.

Lovely!

Head, your head! Movement! Oh, sir, he's got it, he's got it!

Any progress? Oh, sir, he's fabulous!

Can I get my uniform now, sir? By all means.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

Rosanna! Rosanna!

She's gone, Mr Pitkin.

She walked out this morning. She hasn't come back.

Didn't she leave any message? No.

You liked her, didn't you, Mr Pitkin? Yes.

Of course, she was... she was too pretty for me.

Never mind, Mr Pitkin. With all your police work,

you'll have plenty to occupy your mind.

Two more robberies last night. They point to the same gang.

The Napolitani mob. Yes, sir.

How's Pitkin's training coming along?

What you might call slowly, sir.

Very slowly.

Well, it can't be helped.

We can't delay any longer. Bring Napolitani in for questioning.

Oh, Miss Wilkins! Ooh! I'm so sorry.

Oh, you're welcome. Please sit down.

Two gentlemen from the police to see you, signor.

La polizia? Grazie.

Are you Giulio Napolitani?

Everyone knows Giulio Napolitani.

Would you mind coming with us to Scotland Yard?

What for you want me?

Nothing to worry about, sir. Just a routine matter.

OK.

Vince, send for my lawyer.

'Oberon prepare, Giulio he create.'

They've brought Napolitani in.

Very nice, eh, Hobson?

It's in-a-the-bag, Ronna!

You know what you have to do, Pitkin?

There mustn't be any slip-up.

Having gained entry to the premises of one Giulio Napolitani,

I must ascertain what use he makes of the microphones

and if he's got any stolen property concealed in the buildings.

Yeah? Quite right, Pitkin.

Don't forget, we can't hold Napolitani for long.

Of course not. You've got exactly 40 minutes.

Ooh!

Well, here we go, then.

Ta.

All right, Ron. Don't let me down. Ta-ta, Cec.

I think it's going to work. Yes, sir.

Oberon, do you realise... I've told you, I'm terribly sorry!

Where's Giulio? I've been like this for hours!

Oh, Giulio, where are you?

You're on your own now, Pitkin.

Remember, you've exactly 30 minutes. All right, then.

ALL ARGUING

Giulio!

Just a minute. Uno momento! Uno momento!

What for you making all of this-a noise?

ALL CLAMOUR

Shut-a up! Silenci!

Silenci-i-i-i-i-i!

Oh, you are so masterful.

You've all got to take-a your-a turn. Comprenez?

I've only got-a the one pair of hands.

Marvellous.

Right, then, who's-a first-a?

All SHOUT

I've been in such a tizz.

Where have you been?

What's happened to sir's style?

Oh, that's more like sir.

Signor!

Mrs Ashby. Signor Giulio, madam.

About time, too.

First-a, the wash.

I've had it washed once.

Your hair-a is-a no good.

It's gone grey.

So would yours have if you'd waited as long as I have.

Er... Oberon, give it a bit of a wash. Giulio... he create.

Signor Giulio?

WHISPERS: Pitkin!

How did you know? It's me.

Pitkin, look!

Oh, it's Sergeant Wilkins!

There's a microphone under the table.

What? There's a mic...

Switch on the dryer, they won't be able to hear us.

The what? Dryer.

I-I-I've found something. What?

I've found something!

There's a microphone hidden underneath the table.

I know.

Do you think anyone heard us? Shh!

Tra-tra-tra-da-da-la-la-la-la. Sing!

La-la sing!

# Home, sweet home Coming through the rye... #

The maestro is in great form today.

We're being watched. Are we?

Do something to my hair.

What shall I do? Anything.

Pitkin!

For heaven's sake, go away.

My new hat! You've ruined it!

How dare you?

SOBBING

What's the matter?

You've made me look so lovely.

But you are lovely.

Yes, I know.

I like all my ladies to look lovely.

But I'm rather special, aren't I?

You've made me feel so happy.

I'm... I'm happy, too.

Oberon! Over here.

Eh? Isn't she lovely?

Have a closer look.

Oberon!

Oh, Giulio!

Excuse me, I can't bear it.

Pitkin, have you discovered anything?

Not yet. HE SOBS

Pitkin, pull yourself together.

Stay with me, I've got to talk to you.

All right, then. No, no, no.

I've got to be doing something. Don't cut off any more of my hair.

Well, come over here.

You've got to do something.

I'll give you a shampoo. I've had a sham...

I didn't mean that!

Have a shave.

Pitkin...

..you've got to find out...

NASALLY: ..where those microphones lead to.

How do I do that? Trace the wires.

Follow them through to the very end.

Sergeant Wilkins,

I shall trace those wires if it's the last thing I ever do.

Oh, Giulio, put me down, put me down!

Try not to create suspicion.

Is an outrage! I demand you release my client immediately.

I have here the habeus corpus. Now, gentlemen, keep calm.

Why don't we sit down and talk this over quietly?

No sit down! No sit down!

No talk! No talk!

No stay here! No stay here!

Release us. Release us.

Scotland Yard, we will sue! Scotland Yard, we will sue!

Shut-a your mouth. Shut your mouth.

Shut-a YOUR mouth.

BOTH SHOUT IN ITALIAN

Is there anything wrong, Giulio?

Someone's standing on the wire.

We're having trouble with the girl.

Yeah? Uh, the girl?

She's breaking the place up.

You'd better come.

Erm... you lead-a the way-a.

What's the matter? Aren't you coming?

Sergeant Wilkins!

WHIMPERS

Stop, stop!

Va all'inferno!

Rosanna!

Leave me alone.

Odio! Odio! Odio!

Get out of it, all of you. Go on, leave it to Giulio.

No, don't! No! No, no, no, no, no.

It's all right, Rosanna. Look, it's me, Norman.

Norman? What are you do here?

I've come to collect some evidence against Giulio Napolitani.

We haven't got much time. Where's the safe?

No, we are not safe.

You don't understand, do you?

The safe!

I've had to let Napolitani go. He's on his way back to the salon.

This is serious. It's not giving Pitkin time enough.

We'll have to raid the premises.

Here you are, sir.

Thank-a you for-a nothing!

Norman. Norman! Not now. I'm looking for something.

Is this what you are look for? No, I want the safe.

Giulio. Giulio?

You're upstairs.

No, no, I am downstairs. Upstairs is...

All right.

Presto, presto! Dobbiamo partire.

This is a job where you've got to hurry up

and keep calm at the same time.

I can't understand it. I thought it'd be easy.

I thought it'd just be click-click-click,

and then clack-clack.

And then all of a sudden, open sesame.

All you have to know is the combinations. I know that.

How to get the combination, that's the thing, ain't it?

Ooh!

Erm... what you gonna have?

You look like me, but not so handsome.

Who are you?

I am Police Constable Pitkin of Scotland Yard,

and I warn you that anything you say will be taken down

and used in evidence. Shut-a your mouth.

I kill you. I smash-a you.

I slit-a your throat from ear to ear.

I feel it's only fair to warn you that to slit a policeman's throat

from ear to ear, definitely illegal.

Shall I kill him now, boss?

No, not-a yet.

OK, the police want-a Giulio, they get-a Giulio.

But not-a this one.

All right, kill him, but not here.

What about the girl? No, no. I'll give in.

Leave her alone. I'll go. Please.

No, Norman. Giulio! You can't do this.

He only do his job. Please don't kill him.

All right, all right. Vince, Manzini,

take him for a ride in the country in my car.

No monkey business. Otherwise Mr Pitkin, bang-bang.

Bang!

Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.

No, Ron, you're making a mistake.

I'm Norman, see?

You fool!

Napolitani must still be in the salon. Come on.

Ron! No, Ron, I couldn't help it. Ron!

Cover the door. Don't let him in. Yes, sir.

All right, nobody leave the premises.

What do you want? You're under arrest.

Superintendent! Not now, madam.

Hobson!

Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.

Oh, Ron! How many more times?

Look, it's me, Norman.

I told you to keep out of here.

Hobson!

Get this man out...

Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.

Don't be ridiculous, this is Pitkin.

Siete pazzi, voi Inglesi.

Non vedete che questo Giulio.

Constable, look after this young lady.

Questo il vero Giulio, non Norman!

Napolitani.

Giulio Napoli...

Pitkin?

Giulio Napolitani, you are under arrest.

Pack it up, Cecil!

Ron, you're wrong, Ron. Wrong again, Ron.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, Ron!

Giulio Napo...

Giu...

Ah!

Just as I thought.

Giulio, on behalf of Ron Ackroyd,

Cecil Hobson... Erm... Bert Belcher

and indeed, all the lot of us, I hereby place you under arrest.

Agh! Oh!

SMASHING

Now you are in trouble!

Damaging one of Her Majesty's police constable's hats -

and it's not mine either.

Oh, Ron will be pleased.

We've got the whole place surrounded,

so Napolitani must still be somewhere in the building.

I know that, Belcher, but where?

Hobson, that man again.

Pitkin, what have you got in there? Washing! Eh, Ron?

Put him under arrest. What for?

Pitkin!

No, Ron, that is Giulio.

I am Pitkin! I know. Have him taken away.

No, no, no. The prisoner.

Well done, Constable Pitkin. Did you say Constable?

You mean I'm still in the force? You're a credit to the force.

Oh, Ron! Ron!

Now you've got everything you ever wanted, haven't you?

Well, no, there's one little thing.

What's that?

Well... I want some leave.

Leave? What for?

Erm, well...

..I want to get married.

WEDDING MARCH

Hold it, group.

DISTANT POLICE WHISTLES

WHISTLING GROWS LOUDER

WHISTLES FEEBLY

Wait for me!

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