Original subtitles

[tense music]

Dandelion, dandelion.

Oh, hello, deadly nightshade.

Would you like to be used in a paralysis dart?

You would?

[leaves rustling] Is someone there?

[tense music]

If that's a bear, you should know I'm incredibly poisonous.

If that's another bear, the first bear

already called dibs.

[branches cracking]

That's not bears.

Ahh!

[panting]

Ah!

Please, no. Not like this.

Egg fish.

all: Egg fish, egg fish, egg fish,

egg fish, egg fish, egg fish, egg fish.

Ambushed by orphans again?

Yep.

Hey, no.

Ow!

Ty specifically said we can't burn

the city's feral children.

I'm not gonna burn 'em!

I'm just gonna set their-- [grunts]

Bodies on fire.

[dramatic lyre music]

♪ ♪

I can't live like this.

That was the third orphan attack this month.

Are you counting when you got trampled by cows,

and later you found out that orphans released the cows?

Fourth attack this month.

Why are there these kids everywhere?

Seems like a bad system.

It was easier in the old days.

When you had a child you didn't want,

you simply threw them into a bush.

What happened after they landed in the bush,

it wasn't for us to say.

Have you considered not foraging

for poisonous plants outside the city walls

in the middle of the night?

Why should I change?

They're the ones who suck.

Ty needs to take care of this.

You can tell him that when he gets here.

Unless--

He already is.

What?

We weren't supposed to know it was him?

Yeah, I just saw the fake mustache

and figured, not my problem.

Well, Mom didn't recognize me.

Oh, I don't see servants.

Well, I'm off to see this incredible new

performer, Anarkkis.

Very underground, very political.

Actually had some not positive things to say about me,

if you can believe it.

I can believe it.

If I went as myself, people would be distracted.

It would make it impossible for her to do her show,

which is not my goal.

And what was that goal again?

Encouraging insubordination by the rabble?

Exactly wrong, mother.

That's how she thinks I think.

But when I reveal to her how cool a king I actually am,

it's going to blow her mind.

She may even want to go on a date with me.

Maybe to that new shop that only sells

things made of straw.

Has anyone been there yet?

How do they make money?

It's such a specific thing?

Brilliant plan.

All right, Mr. Brilliant Plan.

You know what, I'm putting you in charge of the orphans.

What? No, I hate them.

That's why you're the perfect person for the job, Hippo.

Find out something to do with them,

round them up, do whatever, just make them go away.

OK, yeah.

Not whatever.

Don't burn them with flamethrowers or something.

- [groans] - Told you.

Just take care of them.

Did I tell you, or did I tell you?

You come with me.

Did we raise weird children?

Of course not.

I wouldn't say we raised them.

[snorts]

[laughter]

[soft music]

- [grunts] - [yelps]

♪ ♪

Ah-ah. [yelps]

Whoa!

[ceramic shattering]

No, no!

- [humming] - Aww.

Come here, you little thing.

Well, hello, children.

You are horrible drains on society, and more importantly,

on me personally,

so this is your new home until you're not.

If you're hungry, there's a bucket

of deer hoofs in the corner.

We'll be shipping you off just as soon

as I find an appropriately distant

and punishing destination.

Maybe these kids just need somebody

to give them a chance.

To do what, stab you in the eye?

You know, eventually, they're going to get the right one.

Didn't you used to be an orphan?

Yeah, born in darkness, one in a million.

Had to find my father by making my own wheelchair out

of sticks.

Is that supposed to make me more

sympathetic to useless, freeloading, violent brats?

I just feel bad.

The little one is kind of cute.

She gave me a flower.

Figure out how to get them to stop assaulting me,

and you can play with her whenever you want.

And he was like, help, help!

That's pretty much what he sounded like.

He was scared, but then the tiger ate him.

And he died.

And that's all I got.

Ronald the Storyteller!

All right, next up, Anarkkis the Truth Teller.

My story was true.

Cities.

I would have opened with a joke.

[crowd gasping] - Krapopolis.

So is it ground Krapopolis, or is it the vase?

Or the throwing, bit confusing.

Shh!

At the center of it all, King Tyrannis.

OK, here we go.

Yes!

Ex-squeeze me?

Bad news.

The market already threw away all the deer hoofs.

But I got my hand on some goat tails, so--

Check it out. I taught 'em a trick.

Kids, sit.

Shoot, he did it right before you came in.

Jaxton, sit.

Sit. Sit!

I don't want to.

Fine, then no berry.

[groans]

Good, Jaxton.

They obey you and speak in full sentences?

But they're kids.

They're basically wild animals.

That's what I thought, too.

But they're actually pretty smart.

Check out what Eudoria can do.

[whistles]

Are you crazy? Get your hand out of there.

Just watch. Eudoria, wait.

Wait, wait.

OK.

We're still working on using our hands.

Cool, right?

Cool?

Stupe, do you realize what you've done?

Yeah.

No.

You've proven that the nature of children can be changed.

With the right training, we can shape these kids

into whatever we want.

The centralized indoctrination of feral

minded nothings, molded in my image to advance my will?

I shall call it "school."

Here's the deal. I know a lot about everything.

You know very little about anything.

I'm smarter and older and better.

I thought you'd searched them for eggs.

I did.

They're really good at hiding them.

All right, look.

I'm gonna tell you what I know, and hopefully you can

absorb a small fraction of it,

which will make your lives slightly better.

In exchange, all I ask for is that you work for me,

instead of attacking me.

And deer hooves?

I will get more deer hooves.

[all murmuring]

I think they're on board.

Great! Hey, hey!

Let's not throw or eat our seats.

Cosmo!

Percy's ears are attached to his body.

They're not coming off.

Cosmo! Cosmo.

I think you're losing them.

All right, fine!

The next person to smash their chair

gets a lesson from my assistant, Mr. Flamethrower.

Now, sit down!

Hi, Mr. Flamethrower.

How does it work?

Sit down, and I'll show you.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

It's incredible.

They're actually listening and talking and working together.

And they retain more than I ever thought possible.

I never realized how rewarding teaching could be.

Turning minds into a lesser version of me?

It's how the gods must feel.

So what's the lesson today?

I think it's time for a field trip.

Ugh, this woman really hates me.

It's highly arousing.

But how can I get her to like me?

Who, your mother? I tend to agree.

But hands off, son. She's mine.

It's not a good look, Tyrannis,

lusting after your own mother.

That's not-- do you have anything else to do?

Honestly, not really.

The tedium of immortality, every day the same.

Daughter's off punching something,

son wants to kiss me.

What I'd give for some variety.

Funny, I could use a little less.

It's not even clever.

She can't decide if she's an artist, an activist,

or a rabble-rouser.

She does have a certain dramatic flair.

And let's be honest, she's an 8 out

of 10 in the looks department.

Dad, can you at least attempt to be helpful?

She's becoming a threat.

The sooner you realize all mortals are

idiots, Tyrannis, the better.

Always following the loudest noise and the brightest color.

You'd all walk off a cliff if there was

a shiny button at the bottom.

That's it.

Mother, can you still shoot fireworks from your fingers?

Does this answer your question?

Good enough.

The root problem of a failed system.

The worm and the apple, the scorpion and the sandal.

Oh, shutting me down.

Just what I expected from you.

Well, I hate to defy your expectations,

but I'm not here to shut you down,

but to announce the People's Parade.

Mother?

[crowd exclaiming]

That's right, people of Krapopolis.

We've got music.

We've got prizes.

We've got grain.

And it's all courtesy of your ally, King Tyrannis.

If you want to chant my name, the parade song

was specifically chosen to make that work.

I must say, parades are actually rather delightful.

Constant attention from an ever changing crowd of admirers.

It's a party on wheels, combining

the novelty of drinking and the spontaneity of driving.

It's working.

I didn't know Krapopolis had so many musicians.

You don't.

They're birds I turned into people.

Now remember, you're looking for

a chartreuse, variegated leaf with reticulate venation

in the primary blossom.

[cheers and laughter]

Look at this.

A week ago, I couldn't come near this valley

without those little monsters attacking me.

Yeah, my army calls this the Valley of Tiny Devils.

But now, they're our tiny devils.

I think we're on to something with this school business.

Whoa, check it out.

When did you teach him that?

I didn't.

It looks like he combined the principles of my knot

tying lesson and your hatchet throwing

lesson to invent a new tool that the world has

never seen before.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Roc! [roc screeching]

Back to the city!

Rope, rope!

Bring it down!

[children yelling]

[roc screeching]

[all grunting]

Die!

What have we done?

I think we just made a new apex predator.

These kids are brilliant.

They might be better than you.

We're eating roc tonight.

Thank you for coming.

I just wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings,

and that you didn't feel oppressed in any way.

God, if I even thought I oppressed you,

I wouldn't sleep.

I literally would not sleep.

That's how much I hate oppression.

Odd how the People's Parade happened

right when I was getting to the part where I criticize you.

Well, we can't control parades.

They're like the tides or mothers.

You think I don't see through this?

You used that parade to drown me out.

Did I drown you out, or did I meet

you in the marketplace of ideas and present one of my own?

Parades are more fun than weird speeches.

I didn't come here to debate you.

I came to size up my enemy.

And now I know your size--

small.

That's just because I'm sitting on a big throne.

I'm actually average sized.

Look, why do we have to be enemies?

We can work together.

Tell me what to fix.

You can't fix the system.

You're part of the system, which

means every tweak you make is just incorporated

into bad business as usual.

OK, so your suggestion is--

Burn it all down.

Ugh, I thought things might head in this direction.

Women are drawn to my power, occupational hazard.

Brothers and sisters, the palace is ours.

In the sense that we all paid the taxes that built it?

[cheers and laughter]

Oh, no, in the literal sense.

Where are all my guards?

[cheers and laughter]

I don't know who any of these people are.

But the more who join, the more fun I have.

They're parade people, darling, like us now.

Where are the kids?

Is this an ambush?

Again, my body is incredibly poisonous.

Relax.

I sent them to the market for bread.

So what's the lesson today?

No more lessons.

I'm just here to reinforce the bars.

What? But they're learning so much.

And doing things we didn't teach them.

They're building off my knowledge.

That is very bad.

They do sometimes scare me.

Maybe it was a mistake to teach them about science and weapons

before teaching them right and wrong.

It was a mistake to teach them anything.

We should have done the responsible thing

and murdered them all.

Murdered who all?

Kids!

We were just talking about people who are not you.

Bread!

Thank you.

And it's covered in blood.

Bread.

And we are ready for class.

Oh, yeah!

No class today, kids.

Enjoy the day off.

We are ready for class.

You know what I think would be fun?

Another field trip.

We could pick flowers in the field.

Or kill something.

Something big.

We are ready for class.

I think they're ready for class.

Oh, yeah. Of course, class.

Right. I think I have just the lesson.

It's about the application of force in a concentrated area.

You see, some substances, like rock walls,

for example, are very hard.

But if you hit them with enough force in a small area,

you can break a hole in them.

Sometimes, the hole is big enough

for a person to get through,

which is a great option if the door to the room

you're in is locked.

We know what you're doing.

Oh, great.

Well, I'm glad you do.

Stupe, punch the damn wall!

Like in the lesson.

[grunts]

[all yelling]

School sucks!

[all yelling]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Let us in!

Children are trying to kill us!

It's open.

Is that my sparring dummy?

You can get it back if we survive.

What happened here?

I'd call it 20% bad date, 80% coup.

Why are you sweating?

Because we're about to be 100% screwed.

What's that?

Highly educated murderous orphans

who know basic physics.

[children shouting]

I thought you were getting rid of them.

We were going to.

But then we made the mistake of teaching them.

Now, they're bloodthirsty for knowledge.

Where are Mom and Dad?

No idea.

They never came back from the parade.

[all groaning]

Why aren't people still dancing?

This is a parade, not a death march.

[groans]

Not primarily a death march.

So desperate to prove a point.

In their defense, we have been frolicking for some time.

How do parades normally end?

I guess I imagined there was some sort of finish line.

[screaming]

That'll do, I suppose.

See you all next parade.

[thudding]

Good people of the former city of Krapopolis,

our time is now!

She's speaking to my people on my private king's balcony.

We've got bigger problems.

Yeah, a dozen tiny bigger problems.

You made this mess, you clean it up.

I have to stop an argument before she wins the hearts

and minds of the entire city.

Is it over?

I don't think so.

Is that a wedge?

They're using their mastery of simple machines against us.

Education!

[children shouting]

This system claims to serve you.

But you are in its control.

What do I do?

If I stop the speech, I'm giving

her exactly what she wants.

Do not believe any attempt at change in the system.

Even change itself is built into the system,

which is why we must--

Anarkkis, ladies and gentlemen.

Tyrannis, I will not let you silence me.

As if I even could.

Isn't she great, folks?

[crowd murmuring]

In all seriousness, I invited Anarkkis to speak here

today because her perspective is so valuable to our society

and to me, as king, which is why

I've decided to declare her perspective

the King's Perspective.

And I'm instituting a monthly Anarkkis

speech on this very balcony to speak our minds.

[cheering]

But it's not ours.

It's mine.

He can't just declare it's his, too.

Sounds like he just did!

How can you listen to this idiot?

That's rich, coming from the idiot's mouthpiece.

[laughter] - What did you do?

It's like you said.

The system consumes any attempt to change it.

You were outside the system, but I

brought you inside, which means you're no longer a revolution.

You're status quo.

My god, outplayed by a tiny king.

Average king, big throne.

What do I do now?

Talking about society and other abstract concepts

is all I know.

[snickering]

I might have an idea.

Come with me.

[children shouting]

[children screaming]

I guess this was where it was always headed.

Yeah, teaching them just accelerated the process.

How did we think this was a good idea?

Stop.

I may have a solution to your problem.

Burn them? Burn the kids?

You said these children are bloodthirsty for knowledge.

I happen to know someone bloodthirsty to impart it.

You can't change the current system.

But maybe you can change the minds of these children

with knives, who will shape the future system.

I'll do it.

Come, children.

No, keep your weapons.

We'll need them in the coming revolution!

Can I say something crazy?

I already miss those kids.

Do you realize what you've done?

Any knowledge they get, they'll eventually use against us.

I realized something.

Children are the future, which means

they are not the present, which means

we can worry about that later.

Look, I'm just sort of taking things one day at a time here.

Don't get me started on parades, silly little things.

Did you redecorate?

I don't like it.

Mother, Father, you're just in time to not help at all.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

Welcome, welcome, to the world of straw.

Everything you see in the shop is made of straw.

So this cup is--

100% straw.

And this picture frame?

100% straw.

[gasps] And your shoes.

They're--

They are straw as well, for I am Mr. Straw.

Well, Mr. Straw, I can't say I understand your business.

But I'm happy to have you in my city.

Thank you, good king.

Take this straw crown as a token of my esteem.

Perfect fit.

Cheers.

[ominous music]

What news do you have, Mr. Straw?

I have made contact with the king.

The dawn of our dark empire is nigh.

[both cackling]

♪ ♪

Did you get any of that?

Bento.