Original subtitles

I've gathered you all here to discuss the city's future,

which I believe is bright.

- Based on what? - Not the energy

I'm picking up from you guys.

You're supposed to be the movers

and shakers of Krapopolis.

I move horse crap from inside the stalls

to outside the stalls.

And I only shake

because I'm dangerously malnourished.

And yet, you're still the best we've got.

Nobody wishes that wasn't the case more than me.

Don't you want a legacy,

a way to know you made a difference?

Mmm.

You've got to agree that lately,

the city's kind of hit a plateau.

Why is that a bad thing? A plateau is stable.

Not sure you noticed,

but pretty dangerous time to be alive.

This guy just died.

Then let's give his life meaning

by making this meeting matter.

Civilization needs a swift kick in the ass.

Who's ready to lend a foot?

Okay, you're dead now too,

but doesn't that fill the rest of you with a sense of urgency?

We just left the woods, like, ten years ago.

I think we're killing it.

How can you be so content with this?

It's so mediocre.

We can do better, and we will do better.

Sounds like you got this figured out.

Can we take a half day? - Take the whole day.

You're all fired.

Oh, screw you too.

[upbeat mythical music]

♪ ♪

Good morning, family.

It's night, and nobody's seen you for days.

Well, that is odd.

Last thing I remember,

I was drinking heavily at the bar.

Then I woke up at home.

Because I found you passed out underneath a pile

of very exhausted-looking horses.

Doesn't ring a bell, but since I made it

all the way to dinner sober,

I'm going to reward my self-control

with a lot of drinks.

If anyone needs me,

you know where to find me

and where to drag me home to.

- Where's your father going? - To get drunk.

Fun, fun. Hope you've all saved room.

We don't eat the horns and hooves,

at least not on purpose.

Well, someone has to.

My temple is filled with this stuff,

and it's useless to me.

Why not just ask the people for stuff you need?

Because gods don't need anything.

I mean, I was briefly interested

in that whole pooping thing, but it would be criminal

to waste my perfect ass on that.

So the only thing that matters

is that people give me things that they want.

The suffering is how I know they care.

Shouldn't you also be answering their prayers?

Usually by the time I get 'round to it,

they're already dead.

It's not my fault you things are so fragile.

Can I come to your temple and take some

of the things you clearly don't care about?

No, but you can help me tidy up.

And if you do a good job,

maybe I'll let you rip off an animal head

for you to wear on your other shoulder.

Sweet!

Using the butt to poop, how pedestrian.

[grunts] I wanted this city to be extraordinary.

Well, sorry for trying to make your lives better.

[grunts] [clattering]

My life's work!

- Something bothering you? - Something did bother me,

but then I realized to keep caring would be insane

because nothing is ever gonna change.

Wanna join me? - Nah, I'm good.

I'm just enjoying my vacation.

"Vay-cay-tion"? Sounds stupid.

Where are you from, someplace stupid?

- Athens. - Athens?

Seriously? The Athens?

- You've heard of it? - Have I heard

of the greatest city in the world? Uh, yeah.

Well, we started using these coins,

and our civilization really took off.

Suddenly, I was rich and had something called "free time."

Such a brilliant innovation. Only in Athens.

Krapopolis isn't ready for anything like that.

This city rioted when I suggested

building a barrier between our watering hole

and our poo puddle.

How does it work?

We use these to buy and sell

goods and services.

I'm currently carrying the equivalent

of 50 chickens,

and nothing is constantly trying to peck at my testicles.

It's called money. Here, take one.

I'm Gregorios, of Athens.

Tyrannis, of Krap--well, the name isn't important.

Just Tyrannis.

Apparently, it's based on a standard of exchange

where these super fungible tokens, or coins,

represent a certain amount that everyone agrees on.

What did you give this Athenian for it?

Nothing really, just a couple of cows, goats,

chickens, most of our weapons.

But I'm pretty sure I got the better end of the deal.

Think of how much more efficient this will be.

And since we're basically at the beginning of time,

most people have the same amount of stuff,

so they'll be starting on a totally equal playing field.

There's only one problem.

What do we do with Athenian money?

We don't live in Athens.

I know. I wish.

Counterpoint, screw Athens!

What if we made our own money? - Mm...

If it's good enough for Athens,

it's good enough for us to steal from Athens.

It did give Athens a jump start.

And I would like to see this city evolve

from just trading random animal parts.

Okay, I'm in.

What should we put on our coins?

The Athenians used Athena,

which is a little on the nose for my taste.

It should be someone important,

someone the whole city respects.

Someone who inspires trust and enthusiasm.

- The king! - The weed dealer!

We all love Dylan,

but I still think I'm gonna go with my idea.

[indistinct chatter] - I love being drunk,

which is why I got into

the sitting-at-a-bar- and-drinking business.

Let us celebrate our life choices

with another round. [cheering]

How many is that for today?

If I had to guess, I'd say six barrels,

but if I'm not seeing double, 12.

Make that 13! [cheering]

That seems like a lot to drink without payin'.

So now you're gonna keep tabs on how much I drink?

I thought you were a bartender, not my mother.

crowd: Ooh. - Everyone else pays.

With chickens.

I provide something more valuable--atmosphere.

You think all these people would be drinking here

if not for me?

The people love me. I love the people.

We all love drinking. No notes.

Alcohol is pretty addictive.

I will not stand here and let you speak ill of alcohol.

Apologize to the drinks.

Do it. Kiss them.

Tongue that booze.

- No. - Top me off.

And while you do that, I'll tell everyone the story

of my very sensual encounter with a griffin...

[cheering] And her twin.

[excited chatter and laughter]

This is Krapopolis' official coin.

Why does it have your face on it?

Because I'm the most important person in the city.

- Isn't that the weed dealer? - That's what I said!

It doesn't matter who's on it.

What matters is what it represents.

Don't you want an opportunity to dream,

to create a world where, eventually,

money is something you can hold onto?

Grow your wealth instead of having

to eat everything you earn?

- How does that work? - I'm really glad

you asked that before rioting.

Instead of something being worth

a certain number of chickens or goats,

everyone will agree on a coin amount

that is fair to both parties,

and that amount of coins can then be exchanged

for the equivalent in goods and services.

What about the guy in town who used to make change?

I am so not married to this career.

- You can marry careers? - What's a career?

I know you're gonna be skeptical, but--

- It feels right. - You're really into it?

You're not just saying you are so you can get my hopes up

and crush whatever spirit I have left?

- Let's do money! - Okay.

Everyone line up with your possessions,

and we'll start handing out the Tyrannises.

I don't remember agreeing on that name.

Sorry, got a little ahead of myself.

Call them whatever you want. - Krap coins.

How many Krap coins do I get for this?

Ugh, I never realized how gross this was until now.

Ugh, this temple feels more like a petting zoo.

People don't pet the animals after they're dead.

Oh, right, you just eat them, like that's better.

What is this? - It's called money.

The city's using it instead of trading chickens.

So these metal disks are valuable to you mortals?

People are nuts for 'em.

When I get enough money, I'm gonna get a third pigtail.

I could finally have a temple full of sacrifices

that don't stink like chicken crap.

Oh, I like it.

I'm in. Spread the word.

From now on, Deliria only accepts cold hard money.

[light chatter]

Isn't this exciting?

No, it's actually very, very boring.

I think that means it's working.

I can't believe we're doing something that Athens would do.

Maybe money is the first step to Krapopolis being more than

just a greasy finger smudge on the map.

Who knows? Maybe in my lifetime,

I'll get to see us make it all the way to a dot.

[cheering]

Let's start with a couple of barrels

and see where this day takes us.

We're gonna need to discuss your tab.

We already agreed that that was a stupid idea.

Now I'm back to get drunk.

That was before your son invented money.

Whose idea was it for sex to lead to children?

Something so good should never have

such a substantial downside.

I see your excessive drinking is an obvious liability.

Don't make him go. all: Yeah!

His loud boisterous behavior keeps me from dealing

with my own dark thoughts.

See? I'm the life and soul of this place.

What if I paid you to keep being that?

You want me to drink as a job?

Drink, tell stories, just be you.

And while you're being you,

you can drink as much as you like.

Working goes against everything I believe in,

but being sober sounds like genuine hell.

Gather round, fellow drunks.

It's time to get wasted like it's my job,

which I guess it now is.

[cheering]

Tyrannis,

we have a slight problem. - What's that?

I went into town to get some lunch.

- Woozie's Kebabs? - Is there any other?

- You know it. - Boom!

But Woozie wouldn't give me any

because I don't have any more money.

That's an easy fix.

We can just make a lot more coins.

But if the money isn't worth

the value of something specific,

isn't it by definition worthless?

I bet you ten coins this works.

Can't see a downside to that.

- Where have you been? - Drinking.

Then why aren't you happy and horny?

Because it's my job now, and I hate it.

Money has robbed me of the thing

I love most in the world,

other than you, sex, and stir fry, of course.

Oh, I think it's wonderful.

I'm what people call "loaded."

The things I could do with all that.

Then take it.

But it's yours. You earned it by being amazing.

True, but the point is for the people

to give up something that matters to them

to prove how much they love me.

Once they do that, I don't need it anymore.

And I thought the greatest gift

you could ever give me was thousands of years

of mind-blowing orgasms.

Why not have both?

This day has really turned around.

both: Mmm.

[indistinct chatter]

- Two chickens, please. - Sorry.

I'm all out. - But I have money.

That doesn't make more chickens.

What if I give you more money for those chickens?

- Mm, that could work. - Hey!

Sorry, chickens cost more now.

Fine, I'll pay more. I want these chickens.

Not if I pay more than you.

- You're late. - How can I be late?

I own this bar. - I own the bar.

Sorry, I forgot to do this first.

[grunts] Still getting used to this whole concept.

That's a lot of money.

Well, you can't put a price on happiness.

I mean, you obviously should, and it should be this amount.

This place isn't worth that much.

It's worth double to me. In fact, here.

- You're serious? - Oh, I am very serious,

as serious as a sober monster desperate

to end this conversation and stop being sober.

Then you got a deal.

Fellow drunks, as of today,

this is Shlub's Bar,

and everyone drinks for free at Shlub's Bar.

[cheering]

That's not how you run a bar.

No, that's not how you run a bar.

This is exactly how I do it.

Now if you wanna sit down

and drink for free, you're welcome.

If not, get out.

I always thought becoming a king was the best

you could hope for in life, but I was wrong.

Being rich is way better.

I think that some of the women in the city

were checking out my slime trails

with whatever the opposite of disgust is.

So what do we do if we run out of stuff to buy,

but the people still have a bunch of money?

We can pay someone to figure that out for us.

That's the benefit of being rich.

- Sir, here is your chicken. - Excellent. I'm starving.

Actually, chickens cost a bit more now.

- How much more? - 100 Tyrannises.

How is that possible?

There's a lot of coins and not a lot of chickens.

Hippo, you're the genius.

What do we do about this? - Easy.

We make more coins.

If you make more coins,

won't chickens just end up costing even more?

You do realize I can have you killed, right?

How are you gonna pay for that?

Get out!

Can we somehow make more chickens?

According to my experiments,

only chickens can make more chickens,

but I am willing to try again.

It's a pretty fun experiment.

We can't let this new system collapse.

We're too rich.

Is there anyone we can ask

about how this money system works?

The man from Athens, he would know.

Are you proposing what I think you are?

That's right, Hippo.

We're taking a vacation to Athens!

Stupendous, why is my altar empty?

Where are all my worshippers?

Probably at the bar.

Shlub's giving away free booze,

and people were packing in.

They looked real happy.

Happy people don't pray to their gods.

Miserable people are the ones always

begging for this or that--

a better wife, a child, a child wife.

Their misery is what fuels me.

See? That's the look of a guy in need of a prayer.

Great Deliria, I come to you for answers,

for I am a lost soul.

If you really want her help, get to the point.

She's got lots of powers,

but a long attention span ain't one of 'em.

I used to have a purpose.

I'd wake up every morning knowing what I had to do--

help people get drunk.

I've got nothing left.

I want my bar back.

The bar you sold to Shlub?

The bar where all your worshippers

are spending every day and night.

I do miss the worship.

I mean, once you get a taste for it,

it's really hard to give up.

Fine. I'll help you.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[vultures screech]

The map says we're here.

This can't be the Athens.

Our maps only have three dots.

And if you wanted to navigate,

maybe you should have invented the world's first compass!

But where is the marble, the senate, the democracy?

[Athenians growling] Hey. Back off.

Those are mine!

[Athenians grumbling]

Some vacation this turned out to be.

[groans]

I'm feeling very relaxed.

The sarcasm isn't helping.

[sarcastically] Well, not much I can do about that,

is there?

- [screams] - [growling]

I don't know what is going on,

but this is a major disappointment.

both: Aah! - You're not safe here.

- Where is here? - This is Athens.

Or at least it was. - Gregorios?

What the hell is going on?

When I left, Athens was thriving,

but I came back to this.

It was the money.

When the other Athenians got low on coins,

they just started making more.

It seemed like the perfect solution,

but it made everything worse, so much worse.

Like they say, "Mo' money, mo' problems."

Oh, my God. We are so screwed.

Oh, come on, it couldn't have all been

because they made more coins.

The money became worthless,

and people began to turn on each other.

- This is bad. - You think?

Our entire civilization collapsed

over a three-day weekend.

What's a weekend?

It's another thing we invented--

- [growls] - Aah!

- [straining] - [grunts]

Not the time for new ideas. We still need to fix

the problems your last one caused.

What do you want me to do about it?

Aah! Oh, my God.

[winces] - I don't know yet,

but it involves us leaving right now.

- [gurgling] - Get off of me.

- [growling] - Aah!

Oh, my God!

[both grunting, growling]

Oh, my God!

Unless you want to stay.

So the kraken says,

"Lady, I live in the bottom of the ocean,

and that's still the slimiest thing I've ever been inside."

[laughter]

[all gasp]

Attention, mortals.

From now on, if you pray at my temple,

you can drink for free, and I'll even pay you

five coins to be there.

[all talking interestedly]

- What are you doing? - Getting my worshipers back.

But your worshippers are my drunks.

I need them.

What am I meant to do in an empty bar?

You're more than welcome to come to my temple.

It's gonna be an absolute rager.

I'm still not sure what I got out of this deal.

You get to be a bartender again.

Isn't that what you wanted? - I wanted my bar back.

Well, I'm a god, not a genie. You get what you get.

I really appreciate you guys taking me with you.

I wouldn't start celebrating yet.

My people are gonna kill us

as soon as they learn that their money is worthless.

I promised them that we were on our way

to becoming a great city.

They were content with their lives,

and I'm the one who pushed them to want more.

I don't know if I can face that.

Here's a pitch: what if we blame everything

on Gregorios and let the people kill him instead?

- Uh-- - It's not personal.

I just really don't wanna die.

Or we can use him--

As a human shield, yes.

We're saying the same thing.

No, Gregorios is from Athens.

Everyone thinks of Athens

as the city other cities want to be like.

They don't know it's an apocalyptic hellhole.

But I don't know anything about money.

Luckily, my people know even less.

This feels wrong.

Because it's sacrilegious?

No, because this isn't a bar.

It's a place where people are drinking.

Isn't that all a bar is?

Oh, sometimes I forget that you're the stupid one.

A bar is something totally different.

It has this indescribable thing

that makes getting blacked out with strangers extra fun.

Need a fresh one, Shlub?

- You're working here now? - Kind of.

I'm not totally sure what this is.

Well, I'll tell you what it isn't,

and that's a bar.

Ain't that the truth?

Shlub, I was wrong

to ask you to pay for your drinks.

I got way too caught up

in the business part of the bar business.

- It was an ugly side of you. - Give me the bar back.

We can make things how they used to be.

I love you, Shlub. - I love you too.

Well, not you specifically.

I don't even know your name.

But I love the fact that you own a place

that I can go to where I can get totally blasted.

From now on, you'll always drink for free.

That's all I ever wanted.

Don't wait up, Stupendous.

Daddy's going on the bender of a lifetime.

People of Krapopolis, money is the future.

I know there are more coins than there are chickens,

and that might seem like a problem, but it's not.

- Why not? - Because I've brought

a genuine Athenian back

to make sure that our system is solid,

and he says it is.

- I do? - Yes. You are a money genius.

And you've calculated all the chickens and all the coins

and can now say that the value of one coin is...

If you wanted me to say something,

we probably should have rehearsed this first.

Not a great time for notes, Gregorios.

What he meant to say is "One chicken."

Isn't that how this all started?

It is, but now Gregorios is going

to be the official keeper of the chickens and coins.

Good for me.

He'll regulate how much everything is worth,

and when he says something is worth more or less,

we won't question it

because his job is complicated,

and to challenge him would mean

we had to do a lot of extra work,

and that would mean no time for vacation.

- What's a vacation? - Oh, man!

Get ready to have your minds blown.

What happens if people ever really question the system?

It will not stand up to even the most basic scrutiny.

They won't because they're lazy,

and even if one day they do, we'll be long dead by then,

and it'll be someone else's problem.

But the people never did lose faith.

Rather than question how currency worked,

they just went along with it

because they really liked buying stuff,

which meant they needed more money.

So everybody got jobs

and worked themselves to the bone.

All of this working ate up so much of their lives,

they began to forget what made living special.

But eventually, the system grew so large

that trying to challenge it would mean the end

of everything, so nobody did.

And that's how we got Walmart.

You guys, I'm so bad.

I snorted Dionysus' ergot. - Oh, no.

Yeah, that stuff really messes you up.

Like, I could see sounds and hear colors.

The last breath of a dying tree told me a secret

of a coin-based currency that when gifted to humans

would make them go berserk.

It showed me a future where Deliria's stupid family

started using this money in their stupid city.

Maybe it was because I was coming down from the ergot,

but they were all being weirder and dumber than usual.

So what did they actually do with it?

They used it to pay for things they wanted or needed.

But why? They already had trade.

Did this money make them happy? - Quite the opposite.

It made them even more miserable.

Is there a lesson to be learned here?

Uh, don't snort Dionysus' ergot?

No, always listen to dying tree breath.

Maybe we should give the humans currency.

If my hallucinations are accurate,

and let's be real, they probably are,

money could make the mortals do all sorts of horrible things.

They might just do anything to get more of it.

And inevitably, it could make them all sad,

even the ones with a lot of it.

Then they'll come crawling to us.

That's more valuable than all the dead chickens!

[laughs maniacally]

Is there anything else I can get for you?

No, everything was terrific.

Here, take this for your service.

It's worth one whole chicken.

And so it begins.

[evil laughter]

[all gasp] - My life's boat.

[laughter]

- God, I love this place. - Isn't it the best?

Did you get any of that?

Bento.