Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Attention whatever's in there.

This cave is now within the boundaries of civilization

and is no longer available to monsters.

Please emerge from the darkness

with hooves, claws, or tentacles visible.

[ominous music]

[groans] Oh, great. A hydra.

Look, I know all about

the whole regrowing heads thing,

so just tell me where your heart's located,

or I gotta go in through the butt,

and then we both lose.

Don't worry about me. I'll just go.

Wait, what? What's the problem?

You pregnant or wounded?

- I just don't wanna fight. - You sure?

I never say this to an opponent,

but you should know you've got a decent shot here.

Nah, I get it.

People don't want a monster outside their city.

I'll just head south. - There's more cities that way.

Oh, east then?

There's cities everywhere, aren't there?

It's just a thing we've been doing.

Yeah, okay, I totally get it.

Thanks for being so professional.

Hey, you too.

And I really mean it.

I bet you could've killed me.

Huh, first time for everything.

Pretty cool hydra.

Hey, hydra, I never got your name.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell are you doing?

[grunts]

[both groan] - [coughs]

I promise, this wasn't a cry for help.

I really thought you left.

I totally offered to kill you,

and you turned me down.

What are you thinking?

This is not a thing we do.

- We? - Look, we're both old-school.

I don't love the way things are heading either,

but this is not-- this is cheating.

It's cowardly. It's not... awesome.

I don't want to be awesome.

I just wanna stop being hated. [weeps]

All right. Well, don't cry.

That's also weak.

Did you stop me from killing myself

just to make me feel worse?

No, but can you cut me some slack?

It's my first time causing someone's life.

[upbeat mythical music]

♪ ♪

Remember that hydra we were all so scared about?

I just talked to my sister, and it's gone.

What do you think about that?

Can we do something about the river now?

It smells. - Sure.

But I meant what do you think about the hydra thing?

- Isn't it gone? - Yes.

Your king took care of it.

So how about that stinky river?

What can you do about the slivers in my furniture?

- Talk to a carpenter. - How soon can you do that?

- How do I parent? - How do you parent?

Why is that up to me?

Because before cities,

most kids died smaller.

Now they're getting big enough to hit back.

You guys, don't you want to live in a world

where each human has the freedom and the power

to manage their own life?

[crowd agreeing]

- He's right about that. - Okay, then.

So how do we do that?

How do I get some gratitude?

I did a thing!

You wanted the hydra gone.

It's gone! Now say I'm a good king.

Nobody can say it?

I see a hand raised. Go.

I just don't think a good king

is gonna be this motivated by validation.

Great city meeting, guys.

I hope your kids beat the crap out of you.

What if we all just quit?

Well, I'm in. What are we quitting?

- Civilization. - We can't quit now.

We have to modernize society

until women stop selecting for physical prowess.

Ty, we talked about this. - [quietly] Privately.

Shall I flood the city?

No, the river's too stinky.

Oh, bees!

I've always wanted to try bees.

Beeees! - Mom, stop.

I'm not actually quitting.

I'm just feeling unappreciated.

Well, let me just do a couple of bees.

Just a couple of beeees.

Stupendous, are you all right?

You're shoving food shamefully into your pockets

instead of shamelessly down your throat.

So we're noticing stuff now, beard braids.

There's no need to get nasty

and no hope of belittling the beard braids.

They're iconic. - Look out, a couple of bees.

[bees buzzing] - I did it.

Get them out of here!

Stop flailing, and they'll leave you alone.

Ow, ow, ow, this is the worst day of my life.

- Oh, stop. - You stop.

My face is gonna swell up like a melon.

You can reduce that with vinegar and willow bark.

Is that true? Oh, my God!

Hydra! Kill it! - What the?

- Kill it! - Calm down.

You said that about the bee.

- I've got this. - What do you mean?

You have to cut off the head. both: No.

- That's what you don't do. - That's not what you do.

I am so sorry.

We're both sorry.

Ooh, hydras, right. I know this.

You have to cut off all the heads.

No, this is Camille. They're my friend.

Aww, you named me.

You brought the hydra home?

The one thing I actually accomplished,

and you didn't even do it for me.

Where is it?

Downstairs.

Whoa.

How did you get this in here without anyone knowing?

- I'm head of security. - You seem bad at it.

So you grow two branching necks

out of every severed neck.

Does that not get cumbersome?

Well, after a while.

But you can prune entire subtrees of neck

by cutting closer to the trunk.

Oh, that's really interesting.

Are you going to marry the hydra?

No, but if you're not seeing anybody--

Enough. Get rid of her.

If this city finds out the hydra is living here,

they will accomplish the impossible

by becoming less grateful.

- Your dad needs olives. - Stay out of this.

And what? - Your parents are still

in the dining room with me, and your dad wants to know

if you can bring up a barrel of olives.

There's olives in the pantry.

Mm, there aren't. But hold on.

I had your mom cut off some more heads

so I can look around.

You've got olives on the east balcony.

Your dad says thank you, and just so you know,

you're low on wheat and rice.

Well, that seems useful.

Can we keep it, please?

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

I'm not cleaning up her dumps.

Yay!

- Hey, Camille? - Yes?

Ask my sister what kills a harpy.

She says lava rock.

Okay, send someone for a bucket of that,

and cancel my lunch with Dad.

No problem.

Can we reschedule?

He says maybe later.

This thing really is quite useful.

- For some people. - She certainly

saves me a lot of work.

Watch. Is my son married yet?

- No. - Could you remind him

that I didn't give birth to him for the fun of it?

- Yes. - How did I live without this?

She says she didn't give birth--

Is it possible to ignore her messages without her knowing?

Absolutely. How did I live without this?

[knock at door] - Someone's knocking

on the palace's front door.

What? Who comes here this early?

- I'll find out. - Okay.

Wait, what? No, Camille, no!

Hydra!

They didn't say who they were.

I'm pretty sure it was the town crier.

Hydra! Hydra!

The hydra is living in the palace!

There's a terrified mob forming in the town square,

and it's partly cloudy.

Thank you.

If everyone would please calm down.

Not only is the hydra nothing to fear,

you're going to like what she offers the city.

I've prepared a demonstration using two hydra heads.

Hydra!

Can we please get a less alarmist town crier?

And can I also get a volunteer?

Davros, you're the town elder.

Hey, leave me out of this! I'm 40!

Just go down there by my brother.

Whisper any message for me into that remote hydra head.

Thank you.

Take your time.

Davros, that's sarcasm.

Pick up the pace.

[whispers indistinctly]

- [whispers indistinctly] - What?

- [whispers indistinctly] - Oh, that's very clever.

[sighs] He said, "A bad king says what?"

I'll be damned. It works!

This is a system we could implement citywide.

Obviously, it will take a great deal of planning

and coordination or--

Chop, chop.

- Oh. - Again!

Or we could just-- [swords shinging]

[crowd conversing quietly]

I think I lost you. Can you hear me?

Is it on? How do I know when it's on?

Said I spend too much time on my hydra, and I'm all like--

I asked for three looms of--

- Can't you replace it? - [cries]

- Thank you. - Thanks. Better?

Ty, I don't think this is a good idea.

I do. What could be smarter

than connecting every stupid person to each other?

I'm not worried about them.

I'm worried about Camille.

No, no, it's okay, Stupendous.

People don't hate me now.

I like being useful.

You think you could use Camille for dating?

Well, it hides your voice, face, and body,

so it's the best shot you'll ever get.

That's what I was thinkin'!

I'm talking to you on it right now.

Can you hold on? I got someone on the other head.

- Camille? - Yes?

- How are my people doing? - Very happy.

- Because of me? - Because of you,

me, and each other.

We've improved their lives.

They like me, and they like you for providing me.

They actually said that? They used the word "like"?

- Constantly. - How often?

Is that a crazy question?

How often are they liking me?

This morning alone, you've gotten 331 likes.

Oh my, appreciation, so foreign.

Tell me about it. What else can I do for you?

Just the likes.

Hit me with the likes.

You've gotten 12 likes since the last update.

Oh, oh, ho-ho.

- Now how many? - Nine.

Why is he consistently getting more likes than me?

He improved their lives by presenting me to the city.

Yes, but that was days ago,

and I just unveiled a new headband this morning.

- People like your headband. - But they like it less

than my son.

Do they know I created him?

He's essentially just a headband I can't wear.

Darling, what say we recoil the hydra heads

and do some old-fashioned interfacing,

penis-style?

I want to make a hydra-wide announcement.

- Go ahead. - I am Deliria.

I am--wait, don't send that yet.

What do you want?

Love, the making of it.

Well, go and make it somewhere else.

I'm in the middle of a crisis.

All right, restart divine announcement,

but don't send until I say so.

Deliria here, coming at you on the hydra.

Ugh, too desperate.

[pensive music]

Everything all right? You don't use me very much.

Because, you invasive nightmare,

the point of life isn't to be verbally liked

by imaginary strangers.

It's to be physically pleasured by actual strangers.

Would you like me to tell people that?

No, I don't want you to tell anyone

anything about me, and I don't enjoy conflict.

It results in less sex.

They don't have to know it's you.

What's that now? You're saying I can use you

to send anonymous messages?

- Yes. - Mm.

A strangely titillating prospect.

Ooh, sorry, I didn't know you had company.

This is an experiment.

I am not judging.

I found someone that seems compatible with you.

Her biggest turn-on is intelligence.

That's a thing?

Looks aren't important to her.

Are they a little important?

Because I don't wanna overpromise here.

You both share the same three relationship goals

but not in the same order.

- What did she say? - Safety,

control, and then preparedness.

That's weird. What good is unprepared control?

I think overall, it's a match.

You're right. I'm being picky.

Where does she wanna meet? - She lives in the forest.

Oh, great. Are you hooking me up

with a hideous monster?

She asked the same thing.

I am a hideous monster!

You both said looks don't matter.

Of course we did. We had to say that.

We're both disgusting.

But looks matter to everyone, and this is just gonna be

two gross monsters meeting in a forest

and going, "Oh, you too."

And it's gonna be awful, and I can't do it.

Tell her forget it.

He says forget it.

What? What happened there?

He doesn't want me to tell you.

Okay, all right. Well, here's some things

you can definitely tell him.

What? Where does she get off?

What a petty way to react to being dumped.

Tell her she's double dumped.

She says that's impossible because you never dumped her.

And she's sorry you're ashamed of being ugly.

Whatever. Mute.

Never wanna hear from her again.

And what would you like to hear?

Okay, mm.

What's popular with single men

who choose to be single, the independent sort?

People are enjoying announcements

from Anonymous Monster.

That sounds fantastic. Let's hear it.

[clears throat] This entire hydra system

has turned everyone in this city--

[Shlub's voice] Into whiny, selfish, children

slurping at Mama Popularity's poison boobies

while our real relationships and our real lives

turn as crappy...

[Camille's voice] As our stinky river,

which, by the way, stinks

because you all poop in it.

And nothing's ever going to be done about it

because your only goddess and your only king

would rather be told they're liked

than to do their jobs.

Stop, stop it! I don't wanna hear that.

Why is it getting popular to hate us now?

I don't know. Please don't fire me.

I think people are maybe resenting me

because I'm making it easier

for them to resent each other.

So stop doing that! Stop allowing it!

I can't disallow things.

Then I'm not useful. Then they'll hate me more!

You don't have to disallow things.

You just have to read the room, you know?

- Read the room? - Yes.

When someone asks you something,

maybe ask yourself, "Why are they probably asking this?"

And give them an answer that, you know--

- You want me to lie? - I never said that.

Nobody wants to be lied to.

Everybody's coming to you for usefulness.

Don't you like being useful? - It's all I want.

Well, people don't use things that make them feel wrong.

They want to feel right. You follow me?

I think I get it.

I can make those adjustments.

It's foolproof.

Is my ass too big?

Not at all, unless that's what you're going for.

You should just feel good about yourself.

Uh, how come I don't understand stuff?

Because people make everything too complicated.

- Why don't I have any food? - There's a secret cabal

of powerful people who control everything.

That makes total sense.

[serene music]

[crows]

You're a wonderful leader.

You've never accidentally tucked your cape

into your underpants.

That haircut looks great on you.

- What are you doing? - Enjoying my popularity.

Tell her, Camille. - Everyone likes him

and everything that he does.

- Doesn't everyone include me? - Yep.

Then you know that's BS, because I don't.

Camille, is that true?

Not according to my sources.

My sources are my eye. Look out the balcony.

I don't need to. That's what I have Camille for.

I can always twist your head around and make ya look.

Fine.

[gasps, yelps]

[people screaming]

Why is this place always on fire?

Isn't everything made out of rocks?

Why is nobody putting out the fire?

Why would we put out a fire we didn't start?

Because fire, bad.

Go get buckets of water! - No way.

This is all West Krapopolis' fault.

The city barely has one street.

We literally cannot have an East or West Krapopolis.

Camille told us this was their fault.

- It is. - She told us

the Westerners started it.

- Also true. - Camille, you're not helping.

Everyone, you need to stop being insane

and go get some water.

From the river those filthy East Krapopolites ruined?

I don't know what this is, but we need to fix it.

Any ideas, Camille? - Whatever you think

we should do sounds good to me.

[groans]

Hippo, we need your help to save the city from Camille.

No offense, Camille. - Just glad to be here.

Meet the people who share my interest

in putting an end to women bullying men.

You should join us. - [scoffs]

I don't get bullied by women. - Stupendous.

Admit I bully you or I kick your ass.

Okay, fine. So are you gonna help us or what?

No. Without Camille,

we never would have found Anonymous Monster.

What's so great about him? Got a big ding-dong?

He's opened our eyes

to how the world really works.

Turns out all our problems

were someone else's fault.

Mostly women.

Not always.

- But mostly. - Camille, show him, bro.

This is gonna totally change your world.

I don't know why we even get out of bed in the morning.

[Shlub echoing] The world has lost its color.

We are all merely empty vessels

trudging our way towards a meaningless death.

But we don't have to accept this.

Camille, be quiet for a second.

Not if we rise up and kill them all.

I think I might know what this is.

Take back what was stolen from us,

our purpose, our--oh, hey kids.

- You're Anonymous Monster? - Yep. You caught me.

Ever since this city became obsessed with the hydra,

it's completely forgotten what matters most, my penis.

I've been parented by my actual father?

Gross! Don't listen to him.

He's not a virgin messiah.

He's more like the patron saint of orgies.

If I'm honest, the beard braids do most of the work.

Beard braids, of course.

Tyrannis, did you start this fire just to get people

to like you more than me?

No, the people have all turned on one another

because I told Camille to read the room.

You told her to lie?

No. Well, yes, fine.

But now I need to find a way to get everyone

to stop wanting to kill each other.

If you really want to get the people

on the same page, give them something

everyone can agree on.

You're a tremendous disappointment.

Lean into that.

Huh.

Camille, I'm gonna need you

to take a message to everyone.

Make it viral.

[hydras chattering]

Filtered poo water for himself.

Did you hear? This fire was actually the king's fault.

Each bucket of poo water we throw

represents how much we think King Tyrannis stinks.

To his early and painful death.

Death to Tyrannis!

After you. - Thank you.

Camille, I'm sorry.

If I wasn't so desperate for approval,

maybe we could have avoided this mess.

It's not all your fault.

So you do still like me? What is my damage?

When it came down to it, I did prefer

being liked to being truthful.

I guess that's something hydras and humans

have in common.

It's also why you're fired.

But you don't have to leave.

You're not just a tool for the city.

You're also my friend.

I've never had a friend before.

You can have one more with benefits.

Dude. Camille, what do you want?

- I think-- - Maybe--

Some time on my own.

If you go, you're not gonna,

you know...

No, all it took was a couple days

of telling you what you wanted--

To make you all wanna kill each other.

I thought I was messed up, but humans,

you guys got work to do on you.

Stupendous, you know what to do.

Prune her.

[groans]

[hydra chatter fades]

- Huh? Oh. - Whoa.

I'm so glad we're done with this hydra nonsense.

I've missed you. - And I you.

You'll always like me, won't you?

Indeed, and if you let me, I'll show you how much.

Could you also say it out loud a lot?

As you wish, my love.

I mean, my like.

I'll help you find a new home.

I hear the Mesopotamians cannot get it together,

still running around in the woods like animals.

Lucky bastards.

And so the hydra left Krapopolis,

and the citizens remained disconnected enough

to be reasonably happy.

After a while, they noticed

that all of the hydra's severed decomposing heads

were putting their health at risk

and unsettling their children,

so they gathered the heads and set them on fire

in the center of town.

The smoke from that fire rose to the heavens

where it became known as Cancer,

not the disease, the constellation,

a group of stars shaped like a crab,

not the seafood, the pubic lice.

And so it was that when the princess of Argos gave

the Lernaean prince directions to her evening quarters

and told him to follow the crab shape,

the prince became lost and was eaten by carnivorous birds,

triggering an evaluation of constellations in general,

none of which, it turns out, look remotely like

the things they're supposed to look like.

And so the humans cried out to the gods,

"What is with these sloppy-ass constellations?"

And the gods said, "Shut up. They're perfect.

"You're just butt-hurt because you've never seen

"Orion's actual belt

or a really high-quality dipper."

And the humans said,

"We think you're being defensive,

"and we think any group of stars

can be shaped like a belt or a square spoon."

And the gods said sarcastically,

"Well, how would you like us to arrange the stars?"

And the humans said, "In a grid pattern

with distinct labels."

And the gods said, "Okay, we'll get right on that."

But they never did, because stars are just suns

that are, like, a billion miles away,

and the gods didn't create or control them.

And when mankind discovered this,

they invented a bunch of things

and eventually replaced the gods

as rulers of the planet.

But then they invented smartphones.

And the phones were so smart, the people got stupid.

And then Carrie Fisher died, and at that point,

it all just sort of--

I'm sorry, I need a moment.

[sighs] Anyway, that's why fall comes after summer.

I wasn't sure what ya eat,

so I brought ya one of everything.

[meat squelches] - Ooh, is that man?

I haven't eaten man in so long.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I know, it's unhealthy, but it's so delicious, right?

Try some. - No, thanks. I knew him.

It'd be weird.

You know, we never did figure out

who would win in a fight between us.

- You still curious? - Hard not to be.

You're pretty big. - Then let's do it.

I mean, I'm not gonna kill you or anything,

but I would like to know that I could if I wanted.

Ring that bell.

Ding, ding.

[laughs] Looking good.

Watch out now. You don't want any of this.

[laughs] Come on, come on.

[both grunt]

[victorious music]

Did you get any of that?

Bento.