Original subtitles

You know why I love drinking during the day?

Because I'm drunk.

[all cheer] To drinking!

You want to hear a joke?

Why do unicorns always walk into the tub backwards?

[laughter and jeers]

My man, tell us about your bold new lower human wear.

I call them pants.

It's as if each leg has its own toga.

Well done. To pants!

[chuckles] I like this guy.

A round on me then.

- Okay, but... - What?

Well, is your friend gonna

stay in his funny joke clothing?

Because it seems like everyone's done laughing, so...

Oh, that's fine. They're not just funny.

They're practical. Look.

If I drop something, I can just--

[crowd yelling] - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We don't bend over in public.

Well, that's a rule

based on togas though.

Think about it. - You think about it!

all: Yeah!

Here's a pitch:

why don't we all stop thinking as a team

on the count of drinks.

It's disruptive.

You gotta take that off or leave.

- Take off my pants? - Well, no, no.

I'm not learning your new language for them.

You can be naked like a creature

or wear a toga like a person if you want to drink here.

I would like to drink here.

[crowd murmuring]

And I'll be doing it in pants.

[crowd yelling] - You know what?

This establishment has just lost my business

and the punchline to my unicorn joke,

which I assure you was delightfully erotic

and mildly racist.

[yelling continues]

[dramatic lyre music]

♪ ♪

[rhythmic grunting]

♪ ♪

all: Whoo!

[whistles]

Two more citizens eaten outside the walls--

monstadon.

Again?

Aren't monstadons supposed to be

roaming man-eaters?

Perhaps they noticed man stopped roaming.

I'm glad modern life's working out for someone.

Stupendous, do baby bro a solid.

Slay a monstadon?

I can't today. I got a thing.

A thing?

Lots of people tell their bosses

when they have a thing.

Okay, I have a head to crush

with my bare hands one question from now.

I won't keep you.

You can't crush my head.

What thing do you have? - It's none of your business.

And if you turn into an animal and follow me, I'll know.

You're hardly that intriguing.

Don't flatter yourself.

Mom, can you deal with this monstadon?

Uh, maybe.

I--I might have a thing.

[quietly] Intriguing little bitch.

I'd love to hunt this monstadon down.

What kind of coward sends his differently abled brother

to fight a monster?

A busy coward?

- Am I busy? - Son,

a human friend of mine has just been

refused beverage service because of his clothing.

Really? It appears not all monsters

are slain with weapons in the woods.

Yeah, you slay that one.

I'll grab a weapon and head for the woods.

Teamwork.

Okay, uh--

- They're pants. - They?

There's more than one?

You know what this reminds me of?

Remember that Ethiopian fella with the, uh--the nutty tunic?

- Shirt. - The shirt!

It's like an upside-down shirt for your ass.

So what's the problem?

We were forcibly ejected from a bar!

Have you ever left a bar voluntarily, Dad?

Fair point. No way of knowing.

I don't mean to be rude.

Can I ask what happens when you have to,

you know, release the kraken?

I pull them down.

Pull them down?

Okay, but then you're

squatting over a net, which--

[scoffs] Look, I'm sorry.

It's not your job to defend or explain what you do.

Krapopolis is a free city.

Good show, son.

So you'll speak to the bar.

Whoa. [chuckles]

What do you want me to do, pass a law?

I don't want anything.

I don't do politics.

But it's the only bar.

A law would be great.

Yeah, everyone always thinks that.

But freedom's a double-edged sword--

or a double-sleeved ass tunic.

You get to wear anything you want.

The bar gets to serve whoever they want.

Everyone gets to blame the results on me,

and I get my own chef.

It's a pretty good system.

Nice to meet you. Love the pants.

They got me out of a terrifying monster hunt.

If you're not a fan of unicorns,

but you're a fan of sodomy,

have I got a joke for you.

[pig snorting, monstadon growling]

Buddy, you are ugly.

And that's me talking.

What the--

[grunting]

You're that hot tree lady from that horrible party.

Check out last week's episode,

curated on the Block Chain.

There's an order to the forest.

We don't just kill what doesn't please us.

[scoffs] I don't think

your friend over there knows the rules.

It's not killing. It's feeding.

[scoffs] Does the food share that perspective?

[monstadon growls]

You'll have to let me know.

[monstadon growling and snarling]

- [grunts] - You're alive.

No thanks to nature.

[monstadon snarling]

[both yelping]

Uh, I--I feel like it doesn't know you're on its side.

- Grow up. - You can't make me!

[birds chirping]

Hail, everybody.

all: Hail our great hero!

The ill-tempered, foulmouthed,

and extremely pungent Fantabulous!

Don't forget impatient.

So next time, keep it short.

What's our next quest?

Fantabulous?

Quest?

Hero?

[twig snaps, deer bleats]

[scoffs] Push on, bucko.

You're in over your antlers.

And so we set out

for the peaks of Olygyrtos

to retrieve the fabled Helmet of Iapetus.

- Huzzah! - Yeah!

Hey! [magical thwap]

It came from over there,

by the deer next to the pile of ashes.

I may have been followed.

I'll meet you guys at the ice caves.

Go.

I say don't do this, so you do it?

Why are you heroically questing under a fake name?

If it's escapism, shouldn't your character be

feminine and hygienic?

I can make you those things.

I've been offering since puberty.

I'm escapism-ing from you, Mom!

I don't mind being known as your daughter,

but I don't want everything I've accomplished

to be attached to your name.

[scoffs] Too bad!

Why do you think the gods make children?

They're drunk and horny.

I mean, why do we keep them?

Because they might become heroes and make us proud.

Now I find out you've been doing it behind my back?

Well, happy your birthday to me.

If you can't support me having

something that isn't about you,

then I got no reason to be your daughter.

Well, guess what?

If you can't include me in this and let me prove you wrong,

I'll make sure everyone in the world knows

I'm your mother.

This is the most insulting showdown of my life.

[wind whistling]

Okay, so apparently I was followed.

But it's okay. It was just...

[sighs] My friend Susan.

Hello, it's Susan, the funny one.

I enjoy eating food, drinking liquids,

and breathing in and out.

[sighs]

[electrical zapping]

- [yells] - [grunts]

[monster growling]

[grunts]

[yelling]

[both grunting]

Isn't she something?

Comments weren't part of the deal, Susan.

We're nothing without Fantabulous.

Weird question--does that ever make you resent her?

Resent her? We're a team!

But that doesn't make you want to sneak off

and do things without her.

Hey, Susan, your head's normal,

so it does stop talking if I put a fist through it.

- Whoa. - Uh, yikes.

[chuckling] Not my place to say,

but I'm not sure Susan deserved that.

Yeah, she almost celebrates how humble and ordinary she is.

Which I find refreshing.

Can we get going?

Lot of ground to cover.

Yes, and we cannot fly.

It is cold in here, correct?

Brrr!

We get cold when we're around ice.

I am certain that's accurate.

[laughter]

Susan, you are a delight.

- Oh, absolutely. - Uh-huh, yep, she is.

Hold on. My torch is low.

You must be devastated

that there's nothing to burn down here.

I can see. Follow me.

Okay, but--

[whimpering]

Are you crying?

No.

I hear the same sound.

I think it's a freak draft

or a sad stalagmite.

You're afraid of the dark.

In science we call that a theory.

Good luck proving it. [sniffling]

What's with the worm?

It's part of the natural world,

emits light without you chopping it down.

But you don't need it, so I'll just--

Keep the worm on! Keep the worm on!

- What does science call that? - Bullying.

[shouting and jeering]

Stop! Break it up!

Now what?

Pants Guy tried to get back into the bar!

Because I like drinking!

And I wear pants!

Okay, first of all,

this city's angry mob threshold is too low.

[mob yelling]

Sounds like you know I'm right!

Dad? [boos and jeers]

Now you're protecting Pants Guy?

- Pants Guy has a name. - And I don't?

I'll learn yours when you learn his.

What's his?

[spluttering] It doesn't matter.

Just get back to your lives.

Whatever, man! [mob grumbling]

Yeah, grumble, grumble,

worst king ever-- like I'm the problem.

Thanks for a tough lesson, by the way.

I'd rather be fighting a monstadon.

This is the same cavern.

No, it's not.

Daphne, I'm not just being a dick.

I marked this rock, see?

[sighs] I'm getting weak.

We're pretty far from the trees.

That's where you get your power, right?

What? You're not supposed to know that.

I research. I learn.

Nobody's supposed to know anything.

I'm not supposed to walk.

The weak aren't supposed to be strong.

I'm supposed to be sucking algae off a rock in--

In the darkness.

Nature's order isn't fair.

I could make you equipment

that would let you leave the forest.

The forest is leaving me.

Your city eats trees and craps... crap.

And you never researched the monstadon,

or you'd know you can keep it away from your city

with giant scorpion urine.

Giant scorpion urine, of course!

I don't suppose nature makes explosions?

I could fracture this rock at the base.

Have you tried these mushrooms?

No, thanks. I take a lot of stuff

just to stay focused, and I probably shouldn't mix.

No, we light them, and they explode.

We give them to human children and say they're candy.

It's hilarious.

Killing kids... [chuckles]

Yeah, I can see how that's funny.

Okay, my arrows are made of flint.

We'll need a lot of these and some kind of, um,

sticky substance.

That I've got covered,

or I'm covered in very naturally.

Holding your hand was disgusting.

That's just my reproductive jelly.

You'll get used to it, Mom.

- I'm sorry, what? - I'm kidding.

It's mostly mucus.

[creatures screeching]

Harpies!

Again?

We don't go into their nest and kill them.

Oh, no, wait. We actually did do that before.

My bad. [Harpies shrieking]

all: Huzzah! - So great!

I can't wait to tell my human parents about this adventure!

Does everyone here share

their accomplishments with your families,

or are--are you kind of selfish and isolated?

[quietly] What? - You call this supporting me?

I'm putting up with a lot here, girl.

Do you know how much I'm pretending my feet hurt?

Oh, no!

Another Harpy!

- Wait, what? - We're coming!

They're all attacking Susan!

You wouldn't.

You would. You'd murder Susan,

because you can't share a sliver of attention.

Or Susan's just fine, because you can't.

Almost there! Hold on!

It's too late.

She's gone.

[flatly] Help!

both: No! - Susan, no!

I really, really, really, really liked her!

Yeah, she knew the risks.

We'll give her a hero's funeral.

Susan hated funerals. She said when she died,

she wanted everyone to forget she ever lived

and go back to questing.

I was considering asking her out.

I can see that. She was plainer than the type

you tend to pursue, but you've always been self-destructive.

Well, you know, my mom was such a big personality.

Yep, and then we look for our moms

because we want to revisit and fix things.

And then we treat women like garbage

because we're babies.

A real man, a confident, mature man ends up with a Susan

and straight up worships her.

We'll do that tonight,

an altar and a prayer to our goddess, Susan!

both: Susan!

[groans]

There you are.

Wow, those idiots out there really want you

to take off your pants.

What about you?

I can't stress enough

how little I care, buddy.

Let me tell you a secret.

I didn't start a city because I respect people.

If there were a better, safer job that I could pull off

more convincingly by talking to less of them,

I'd be out of here.

The idea that someone's pants

could end up costing me everything--

I mean, not just me, the whole city, people's lives.

I mean, it's ridiculous!

It's pointless!

You agree with that, right?

It's--it's point--

Where's Pants Guy?

He was here, but--

Did you say something to him?

I mean, nothing new.

You know my position.

I know you don't have one.

Which is the one to have.

I don't disagree.

I've always liked that about you.

Okay, we better find him before he gets killed.

Pants Guy!

We are gathered to honor Susan,

which was not my idea.

She was more powerful than people know,

did not like letting go of that power.

In fact, she was such a control freak,

I'm pretty shocked she can handle laying here

without interrupting.

- Oof. - Shouldn't gallows humor

have more humor?

Yeah, the goal isn't typically

to take the deceased down a peg.

Well, guess what?

I knew the real Susan, and you guys didn't.

So you can let me get some stuff off my chest,

or you can be the next funeral.

- And that's fine too. - Fair enough.

Yes, yes. Okay. All right.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

That's definitely one of two possibilities.

- The other? - Mm.

We die buried under a mountain of rubble.

Well, at least I'd get to die with a friend.

The worm?

That thing doesn't even have a face!

Oh, you meant me.

That's... nice.

For the record, I'd rather us both survive.

Obviously, that's my preference too.

Okay, here we go.

[panting]

- We did it! - There's so much light!

I love nature!

I love science!

- Nature! - Science!

[monstadon growling] both: Monstadon!

[monstadon snarls and screeches]

There he is.

I guess he'd rather be somewhere free.

I think the lesson here is that if you give things

enough time, most issues work themselves out.

[screaming]

[monstadon roars]

And then there was this time she left me on a raft--

and by raft, I mean a scrap of wood--

so she could go to an underwater orgy

at Poseidon's palace.

Are you having fun?

[all exclaim] - Susan's alive!

Susan, I love you!

But why don't you bleed?

For the same reason you don't have a shot,

you gangly dork.

I'm an Olympian goddess. [all gasp]

I'm also this ungrateful meatball's mother,

which is apparently the worst thing

that has ever happened to her!

Uh, yeah.

And will you ever let

the Poseidon thing go?

What was I supposed to do, bring a child to an orgy?

It was underwater!

I warned you.

I am never speaking to you again.

Now go away!

Wait, hold on. We have a goddess

in our adventuring party?

She's not in our party.

Unless that's something you think you'd want.

- What? - But my daughter can't

be around me, so I guess you have to choose.

- What? - Uh, you.

- We choose you! - I love you!

You're the worst!

You made that clear.

And contrary to your eulogy,

I do have feelings.

So mean!

I'm on your mom's side.

You're a bad daughter. - Yes, but you don't

get to say that. - Yes, ma'am.

That was so easy.

I can't believe your daughter was actually

choosing to do things the hard way.

- Setting herself up to fail. - Well, it's annoying.

We could have been questing the Deliria way all along.

Yes, the good news is, everything comes easier to me.

The bad news is, that includes getting bored.

Let's finish this up.

Hmm. You and Fantabulous

are very similar in that regard.

Can you magically zap out that helmet for us?

Ugh.

Zap.

We did it. Hooray. Quest over.

Let's go home and never do this again.

Nay, the quest continues!

There may be more adventure ahead.

Jeez, first time questing much?

[laughter]

Told you, adventure.

You coming? - I only did this

so I could spend some time with my stupid idiot daughter.

And now I'm stuck with you,

her even bigger stupid idiot "friends"

who literally abandoned her at the drop of a--

[foundation rumbling, all yelling]

[roars]

[groans]

Hey, Deliria!

Remember when you and your Olympic butt-buddies

imprisoned me thousands of years ago?

Iapetus?

Why is a Titan here?

Is this a normal part of your whole thing?

No! I don't know what this is!

[screaming]

Good God!

Is that what's inside all mortals?

[both yelling]

Yeah, same basic setup.

And now to deal with you.

That has never happened to me before, I swear.

You and the rest of those bastard Olympians

buried me in a pit for all eternity!

And it wasn't even a nice pit!

No, that was all the other Olympians!

I tried to stop them. I was like, guys, no.

Not cool. Iapetus is the best.

- Liar! - Well, yes, obviously.

Like you'd be super honest in my situation.

- [growling] - [yelps]

I've always thought you were handsome,

not in the traditional sense.

But as horrific Titans go, you're a 10!

- [growling] - [yells]

You came back to save me!

That's what epic heroes of legend do.

Oh, and all your friends are dead.

You're actually standing in some of them right now.

Ugh.

[roaring]

[grunts]

Okay, now I'm out of ideas.

We need to get him back in his hole

and put some of that magic dirt on top.

It's enchanted to weigh as much as the entire world.

That's the only way to trap a Titan.

That's right, magic dirt.

I'm gonna need something sturdier than this.

I suppose I could conjure you up--

ooh!

- [yelling] - [shrieking]

- [grunting] - Aah!

Oof!

[grunting]

[groaning]

And that's how you take out a Titan.

We did it!

Well, mostly you.

Let's go home.

This is probably the concussion talking,

but I am very proud of you.

We make a pretty good team.

We're never doing this again.

No, not in a million years.

Oh, hey, scorpion urine!

And I didn't nail it to a tree.

That's nice.

This still doesn't end well though.

The forest has to kill the city or die trying.

I respect that!

I respect you.

Goodbye.

Bye.

[crowd murmuring]

[all gasping]

My word!

[murmuring continues]

Starting today, I'll be wearing pants.

I'll also be declaring new laws,

laws you won't like

because they will be laws that guarantee freedom,

and they can only do that by taking freedom away.

That's what happens when spoiled children

abuse their toys-- they get confiscated.

We drove a man into danger

because we wanted to feel comfort.

We found a person inconvenient, so we killed him, together,

without lifting a finger.

That's the power of freedom,

power we are not allowed to play with until we grow up.

And we are going to grow up.

We are going to get our crap together.

We are going to get big and strong.

We're going to change how we treat each other,

and that's how we're going to change the entire world.

And that's why I'm gonna be famous.

W-we--we don't have to make that the priority.

I'm just predicting that as a result.

I'd like a moment of silence

for whatever Pants Guy's name was.

Did anyone get his name?

Is that a no, or is this the moment of silence?

[crowd murmuring] - I didn't hear his name.

- Sorry. - Shameful.

A moment of shameful silence for Pants Guy.

I know I said I was going to wear these forever,

but I think I've made my point,

and they're really pinching my crack.

Is it okay if I stop wearing these?

[crowd chattering] - Please.

- Yeah, sure. - Sure, that's fine.

- We don't mind. - Thank you.

Shame on us, and thank you.

And what's up with how when something pierces

our mortal skin, red stuff comes out?

I mean, red stuff much?

[laughter]

And what is up with tongues?

We have to use our own mouth meat

just to taste other meat?

[laughs] Who came up with that?

[laughter]

You told them it's her, didn't you?

Seemed like the right thing to do.

And our hair just keeps growing

unless we cut it off, am I right?

[laughter]

- That's good! - Thank you!

I'm Susan, the funny one!

[laughter]

Did you get any of that?

Bento.