Original subtitles

Oh, man. What do you guys know about this Oedipus guy?

- Never heard of him. - Well, you're about to.

Wait, what?

How insane is that?

Oh, Oedipus, Oedipus, Oedipus.

Don't spoil it.

This is nothing.

If I lost my eyesight,

I'd bump into my mother a lot too.

both: You're reading it backwards.

Ah! Oedipus, you naughty pioneer.

Hardly pioneering.

This is the top half of my family tree.

Stupendous? Incest, murder?

Nah, I know the story.

Sucks to be Oedipus.

Sucks to be Oedipus' parents!

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

You know what, guys? I don't say this enough.

We're a relatively healthy family.

all: Aww. - I act like

you guys are a burden, and you are,

but I need to appreciate my situation for what it is:

somewhat better than Oedipus.

- Aww. - How nice.

Every goat in the city has been partially eaten,

leaving a trail of blood to the palace gates,

and the people are coming with torches

to demand your father be killed!

[sighs] Maybe I'd rather be Oedipus.

[laughs] Not a chance, stud.

[upbeat mythical music]

♪ ♪

[crowd clamoring]

- Dad, did you eat those goats? - Of course not.

I'd remember if I did. Goats are amazing.

They have those little handles on their heads

so you can just... [chomping]

Next time someone asks, shorten that to "no."

You want me to beat 'em up?

Everyone? In the entire city?

Is that a challenge?

If you beat everyone up,

what am I the king of?

- Quieter people? - No.

Angry mobs feed on fear and violence.

A smart leader dispels it with calmness and courage.

So you want me standing

right behind you or right in front of you?

Is me on your shoulders too much?

crowd: Angry mob! Angry mob!

Everybody, calm down!

We don't wanna calm down! We're an angry mob!

You won't be if you calm down.

Well, isn't that convenient logic?

crowd: Yeah!

My father did not kill your goats.

Can you at least put out the torches?

They're silly. It's daytime.

Look, if you're gonna be this dismissive of our anger,

don't act shocked by our decision to be a mob!

[crowd clamoring]

You guys, I'm not dismissing you.

Can we just talk? - Nobody talked to my goats.

crowd: Yeah! - Or maybe they did.

But it didn't help! crowd: Yeah!

My point is, our goats are dead.

crowd: Yeah! - You're overexplaining it.

crowd: Oh. - What are you,

my angry mob mentor? crowd: Yes!

Man, our city sucks.

They can't even kill one murderer together.

Everybody, I'm going to create a system

by which you, the people, are in charge of justice.

We'll call it "a justice system."

I don't wanna speak for the whole mob,

but I'm willing to indulge you because this torch is heavy!

crowd: Yeah!

[all grumbling]

- That was close. - Yeah.

For a moment there, you almost spinelessly pandered

to a bunch of dingholes I could've easily killed.

You don't get it.

If the people are in charge of justice,

they'll have to agree on who's guilty or innocent.

Those people can't agree on anything,

so I'll just talk in circles

until Dad gets away with murder.

You don't seriously expect me to admire you for this, do you?

[metallic clanging]

[groans]

[zapping]

Ugh, unbelievable.

What are you doing?

It's called science, Mom.

Don't ever call me Mom.

That's a word my actual children try

and use to leverage me.

I tolerate it from them.

I won't from you.

Now what is the point of this science?

We can use it to do amazing things,

like give people water.

Like this?

That's also impressive.

Isn't it just?

It's called being powerful.

It's why I have a temple and why mortals worship me

and why half-fish stepchildren should know better than to ruin

what was previously a pretty solid day drunk.

Powerful. Got it.

Um, before you go, could you--

Invent an umbrella.

Quietly.

Dad?

Dad? - [muffled grunts]

- Okay, grab him. - Come on, old man.

When's the last time you fit through any window?

I am not leaving through the window.

I was grabbing my weed.

I'm leaving from the roof.

Why leave? I'm going to exonerate you.

My boy, you're what, 30? I'm thousands.

This is how it works with monsters and humans.

I chill among you a while, then something creepy happens,

you kids grab the torches, and Daddy bones out.

It's been real. - I have a plan.

I already sold the people on it.

It's why they disbanded.

You need me to put my head on the block to save yours.

Well, it sounds bad when you say it.

All right, well, how's this sound?

I'm gonna put my weed plant up on the roof--

- Flight risk. - [grunts]

Can I hang on to my weed,

or is there a law against that too?

Your weed will always be legal, Dad.

I'm a tyrant, not a crazy person.

Okay, here's how it's going to work.

We're replacing the large angry mob

with a smaller, seated, thoughtful mob.

That's you guys.

You'll decide on guilt or innocence

after hearing all information from both sides.

- Question. - Not your job, but go ahead.

How are you allowed to be king and defend the killer?

It seems janky. - Janky?

That's a word now? - Are you ruling over that too?

- Uh-huh! - I mean, it really does

seem janky. - Okay, okay.

This is not part of the royal court.

This is a separate court, a legal court,

where there is no king.

So who's in charge?

Well, we don't really--okay.

Who is the oldest person in the city?

What? I don't wanna be involved in this hipster crap.

I'm 40!

You don't even have to do anything

but sit there and be old.

Just do it.

Make him do it. - Hey!

I don't have time for this!

I could die any moment!

I'm 40 years old!

Uh, what's this?

That was left there by a carpenter

and clearly has nothing to do with any...

If we could get started, I'd-- - What?

What do you mean "what"? You're banging a hammer--

When I feel like it? That's what I thought.

Okay, I'm into this job.

I'm not into your music, but I'm into this job.

Proceed. - All right. I'm--

I'm sorry. What's wrong with our music?

It's a bunch of people banging on drums.

When I was your age, we had to make the drums.

You're five years older than us.

Everything's a number to your generation.

[whooshing] - Aah!

[groans] - My bad!

You've got a great story now, though.

Almost never happens.

[whispers] When I'm sober.

You're too much.

I'm just enough.

I could use a little more.

[both laugh]

[both sigh]

How are you, Herm-Herms?

Just runnin' and funnin'.

Spreadin' words of stuff I heard.

Speaking of which, so sorry to hear

about all those lost worshippers.

- What do you mean? - Oh, right.

You probably haven't heard because all the other gods

have been talking about it behind your back.

The Killassians,

they're worshipping some new god.

The Killassians? Well, that's my city.

They pray to me.

What's the name of this new god?

Simon? Séance?

Is it Science?

You know him? Introduce me.

Or you could just turn into a crow and blow me off.

Bitch.

[magical poof]

Where is the fish boy?

To what do we owe the honor?

Playtime is over.

Give me back my Killassians.

I'm sorry, but no.

It sounded like you said "no,"

but that can't be right

because it would result in your immediate death.

Killassians,

will you worship Deliria if she kills me?

Killassians: No! Hail Science!

Turns out, you don't have to be a god to be powerful.

You just have to create one.

Killassians: Hail Science!

My life may be infinite, but my patience is not.

You may not care if I live or die,

but my dad does, and you love him.

La la la.

So I guess it's time for you to become outraged

and fake a mysterious reason to leave.

I won't tolerate this

because I'm late to make love to the moon.

Science demands I take a bath,

which is more fun with a friend.

All right!

[sighs]

I don't know if this is helpful,

but depending on when those goats were killed,

I may have been at home masturbating.

It actually depends very little on when they were killed.

Was it in front of a crowd of reputable witnesses?

Bless your heart, son.

I'm not 100 anymore.

Dad, under my new system,

you have the right to say nothing.

I'd like you to do that.

If I say nothing, won't I look guilty?

Not as much as if you say anything.

I've got a strategy.

I'm going to convince everyone

you were accused

simply because you are a monster.

[echoing boom]

Sorry I'm late.

I walked instead of flying.

Last thing this city needs is more panic.

Excuse me!

We can't just have a sphinx wandering around.

The sphinx's name is Brenda, and I'm here

to represent the goat farmers against your father.

Now you can't make us look anti-monster.

Brenda, why? This isn't who you are.

You love riddles. - I loved one.

It got solved, and we all have to eat,

appropriately, in normal quantities,

with human permission.

[humans cheering]

Everyone, stop being loud and young!

Did you have a backup strategy?

I did, but it was basically

to double down on the first one.

As a trader of pottery, you've seen a lot of stories

painted on a lot of vases, pots, and bowls, correct?

Well, of course. That's why I got into ceramics.

I'm a news junkie.

And how many vases have you seen

depicting monsters as innocent creatures?

- [laughs] None. - You're laughing about that.

Well, it's funny to imagine a vase

showing a monster helping someone.

Nobody would want it.

"Nobody would want it."

Your expert.

Thank you.

Do you ever keep old pottery?

Well, the older a vase gets, the less valuable.

But I do keep an archive of stories that seem important.

Oh? Anything this court might find enlightening?

Well, as a matter of fact, I sure did find something.

This bowl is centuries old.

We can't know what region this was,

but you see here a monster that looks like the accused.

And these appear to be human babies.

And then this would be the accused eating the babies.

[crowd gasps] - Oh, no.

Oh, that was Mesopotamia.

Or Sumeria.

I get them confused.

One thing is for sure, though:

I have gained weight.

Why didn't you tell me you spent

part of your life eating babies?

I'm on trial for eating goats.

It hardly seemed relevant.

Not to get us off track,

but what do they taste like?

Do not answer that!

Look, I spent some time a thousand years ago

imprisoned in a pit by a tribe of humans

that refused to feed me anything but their enemies.

Who's enemies with babies?

You know, human values have a habit of drifting.

It always starts with "let's get rid of bad people"

and somehow always ends up with a baby pit.

Oh, honey, you're back. I missed you.

- What are you doing? - Whoops.

[crow squawks] Your loss, whoever you are.

I don't care what you do with that slutty bird.

I just need you to do me a small favor.

- Anything, my love. - Kill your son.

Okay, but since he's defending me,

it might be a bit of an issue.

Not our son, your son.

I'd do it, but you know the rules.

"You make 'em, you kill 'em."

Nobody's killing anyone.

What do you think Hippocampus did

that would warrant his murder?

He took my Killassians away from me.

So what? It's not like

you ever did anything to earn their worship.

You don't earn worship.

Then it's not worship.

If I had to do things to get things,

I'd be one of you things.

Well, if people praised you and never get anything for it,

doesn't it stand to reason that they might stop?

Of course. You're right.

I don't have to kill your brother.

I just have to bribe everyone with gifts

so they forget all about that stupid Science.

That's not really what I was saying.

Got what I wanted. Not listening.

Okay, back to what's actually important.

Dad, I'm going to lose this case,

and you're going to die.

Look, I know laws just got invented,

but I think your dad needs to break a couple

if he's gonna live.

She's right.

I'll tell people you escaped.

Can you maul and trample me a little?

Oh, in a way that doesn't hurt.

I can't run now, son.

Your people would kill you.

They'll kill you if you stay.

But legally, thanks to you.

You're welcome?

Someone in this city killed the goats, folks,

and someone in your city used to eat babies.

Not exactly a riddle.

I'd know. I'm a sphinx.

You want to hear a riddle?

Oh, God. Here she goes.

What has four legs in the morning,

two legs at noon, and three legs at night?

Man because he crawls as a baby and uses a cane when he's old.

Thank you. - Ooh.

- That was a good riddle. - Impressive.

I'm not addressing that riddle

because it has nothing to do with the trial.

Also, not a great riddle.

We liked her riddle.

It's clearly popular,

which is why I won't criticize it,

but it's frustrating when popular things are stupid.

- Come on. - Crazy.

The sphinx's riddle is not on trial, young man.

No, it's not and never has been.

Maybe it should've been. [people grumbling]

Moving on.

Excuse me. Not moving on.

I want to know what makes my riddle stupid.

I shouldn't have said that.

That was rude, and I'm sorry.

I just think that a proper riddle

is a solvable linguistic puzzle,

like, what can be touched but not seen?

The heart.

Can we just find his father guilty now?

You don't wanna hear his closing argument?

Kind of a waste of time.

Yeah, this guy's time is so important.

What are you, late to marry an overrated riddle?

[people booing]

Killassians, Deliria has returned.

And I think you're going to like what I brought with me.

An air of desperation?

In my thousands of years on this planet,

I have learned many things,

but mostly how to properly reward my worshippers.

So you're welcome.

Ooh, honey.

Yum, yum, yum.

Bribery? Isn't that beneath you?

- Not if it works. - It won't.

You can offer them anything you want,

but they won't take it.

Asskill, wanna tell her why?

Science has opened our eyes to amazing new concepts.

I mean, the baths alone.

Right, bath buddy?

Not in front of people.

You idiots really believe this nonsense?

I'm a god. I'm real.

It's called faith, Stepmother,

and it's much bigger than you.

But is it bigger than sandals?

Shovels? Dairy cows?

Piles of hair?

Killassians: All hail Science!

Shall we talk?

What do you want?

I want you to let me call you Mom.

What? Why?

- Does it matter? - No.

Because it's never going to happen.

Which is exactly why

it's the only thing I will accept.

You do realize it won't mean anything.

You can't make me love you.

Pfft, I don't want your love.

I want power.

You see, every time I call you Mom,

you'll know I beat you.

That's worth everything.

I am strangely impressed

by your cold, unfeeling calculations.

- I thought you might be. - Fine.

Because you are power-hungry and have proven yourself

a worthy adversary, I will allow you this.

I know you will, Mom.

Ooh, it's like being stabbed in the ears.

Now can we finally get out of this dusty hellhole?

Absolutely. I miss my bed and my lab.

Plus, no matter how much water they get,

these people still smell like half-dead muskrats.

All hail Science or whatever.

Smell ya later!

What are you gonna do about all your lost worshippers?

Well, I'm not too worried.

I have a feeling they'll find their way back.

I might not know what humans like,

but I know what they don't:

locusts!

[buzzing]

[people screaming]

And if a lifetime, which is a series of days,

looks like a single day,

your perspective is so distant that a cane would be a leg,

so it's not just a jumble of metaphors.

It's the best riddle ever,

and I now understand why people like it.

Good enough?

All right, you may begin your closing argument,

but it better be good.

Fact: your goats were eaten.

Fact: my dad...

Ate babies.

Stop telling everyone you ate babies!

Stop talking.

Everything you say is...

True.

My father has never lied in his life.

I should know.

I grew up wishing he would.

I also grew up constantly lying about him.

I told people I didn't have a father.

I was ashamed of him

because he's shameless.

It's true.

We want to be good.

We want to set wrong things right.

You know who else wanted that?

These guys.

Chucking babies into a monster's mouth.

What happened here?

If we asked these humans, would they tell us,

or would they say, "It didn't happen that way.

"There's more to it than that.

"The babies were bigger.

"They were very dangerous babies.

You had to be there. Trust me"?

Well, I don't trust them.

They're too human.

They mean too well.

And they want too much.

And they lie too often.

Is there a reason not to let this guy babysit?

Yep.

Are there reasons not to take his grooming advice? Yes.

When you look at him, listen to him,

or watch him do anything,

is it reasonable to be disgusted?

Maybe.

But there's no reason to mistrust him.

He's never pretended to be better than he is.

That's me. That's you.

That's these guys.

That's why humans have to be extra careful about justice.

We're too good at it.

And too wrong, too often.

This guy ate babies.

He didn't eat your goats. Thank you.

- Mm-hmm. - Very impressive.

I'll tell you what happened here.

One of these babies survived and sired my ancestors.

I am the last descendant of the Baby That Got Away.

Son, this is a goat-eating trial.

No, you idiots!

The whole point of killing the goats

was to make you understand

you're sheltering an evil beast!

Wait, are you saying you killed our goats?

Look! Goats!

[scared panting]

- Let's go! - Let's get him!

- Come on! - Get him!

We find the monster innocent.

Get the torches! - Yeah!

[jury cheering]

- Go get him. - [laughs evilly]

Justice is hereby over. Keeping the hammer.

Thank you, son.

You're welcome, you baby-eating old bastard.

[crowd cheering] - Come on!

Get him! - [sobbing]

- Yeah! - [grunts]

Should they be doing that?

Doesn't everybody have rights now?

Yeah, everybody but that guy.

Let's take the win. - Congratulations.

I had a feeling you were innocent.

Are you serious? Then what the hell, Brenda?

Why? - I was hungry.

And they offered me a lot of goat carcasses.

Hey, King Tyrannis,

what's a dick in the morning... - Yep, that's okay.

- And then at night? - We get it.

- You. - Oh, wow.

Good thing you followed all the way through.

What can't hear a dick over the sound of it leaving?

Brenda the Legal Sphinx!

[whoosh] Aah!

both: Whoa! - Holy!

Did you see that?

Sphinx flying just outside the city.

- Mom got it! - Mom, no!

Oh, he's just as much my child as you two.

No, not that.

That was, uh-- we knew her.

Well, she may be alive.

She was making sounds going down.

Not good sounds, but not no sounds.

[sighs] Do I have to go and get her?

No, we'll all go get her together.

So I have to go get her slowly.

Ugh.

I say, darling, do you ever think

how lucky you are that you don't have to bathe yourself?

No washing your armpits or legpits or wingpits

or your tailpit?

Can't say that I have.

Have you quite finished?

Well, now I have to start again.

Isn't it strange

how the things you once found cute in a lover

become the very things that end up torturing you forever?

Well, I like the idea of being loved forever.

Then stop that.

I like it too.

Did you get any of that?

Bento. [applause]