Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Kids, in the spring of 2008,

something kinda strange had been happening

to your Uncle Barney.

He'd be doing great with a woman...

So I throw the pressurized oxygen tank in his mouth,

I shoot the tank, boom!

No more shark.

Mr. Holland and I swim back to shore.

Let me freshen your drink.

He'd only be gone a few moments,

but when he returned...

So where were we?

...he'd get slapped.

It kept happening.

Jerk!

Until finally, Lily was approached

by a mysterious woman

who warned her to stay away from Barney.

So when it happened once more...

Again?!

Really?! Wait...

...Barney knew who to look for.

Hey, hey.

Hey, excuse me.

Did I sleep with you and then totally screw you over?

No.

What are you doing on Friday?

(grunts)

Hey!

Uh... no.

Stop!

(groans)

Amy?

Abby.

Right.

NARRATOR: Kids, sometimes you can do something right

a thousand times in a row...

A rainbow!

That's beautiful!

What a beautiful

rainbow!

Another rainbow?

It's beautiful!

But then, that thousand-and-first time...

You're kidding me.

Seriously, aren't you sick of these things?

Uh-oh.

Hey, how was your day?

Today, I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.

A rainbow?

Sounds like that bitch had it coming.

Hey.

So, uh, I just met with the contractor.

And it turns out,

that fixing the floors of the new apartment

is going to cost a lot more than the estimate.

But we can barely afford that to begin with.

I hate to say this,

but I think you're going to have to sell your stuff.

Whoa! Marshall,

that's just a game we play in the bedroom.

I mean your clothes.

All those designer pieces and everything.

What?

Why just my clothes?

We can sell my stuff, too,

but I got to tell you,

I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress

is going to go for a lot more

than my "Split Happens" bowling shirt.

Dude. (whispering): I'm not selling that.

I've already made the Website.

You made a Website?

Yeah, it's called

"Lily-and-Marshall-sell- their-stuff-dot-com."

No, you know what would be a better name for the site?

Guy-forces-his-wife- to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag-

for-the-next- three-years-dot-com.

Whoa.

That's real.

Now I'm worried.

That woman is actually wearing a-a garbage bag.

Hmm, but, girlfriend,

you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.

Why are you trying to ruin my life?

Well, you slept with me and then you never called me again.

And?

That's it.

That's it?

As far as I'm concerned,

if I leave you safe on dry land

with adequate transportation home,

you've got nothing to complain about.

Well, it hurt, okay?

And then Ted, the love of my life,

started dating my boss instead of me.

Do you know how that feels?

Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.

Abby! Abby.

A few weeks ago,

Ted dumped me as his wingman.

You had a crush on him for a couple weeks?

I was Ted's best friend for seven years.

Ted said Marshall was his best friend.

Seven years!

Sorry.

Ted.

What an idiot.

With his stupid

"meaningful relationship" with Stella.

Ted.

Ted.

I hate Ted.

I hate Ted more.

Are you as turned on as I am?

Probably not quite as much.

(sighs)

I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted."

I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."

I am Abby.

Oh, cool.

This is insane.

Has Lily even worn half this stuff?

Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your closet

you've never worn?

As a matter of fact, no, there isn't.

Whatever, red cowboy boots. Hey,

those are nice boots.

I totally pull those off.

Hey, Lil,

if I were to say

"Ted could never pull them off,"

What would I be talking about? His red cowboy boots.

I totally pull them off!

It's a classic Western look.

Oh, okay, uh, today's category:

classic Westerns that involve red cowboy boots.

Ooh, ooh! Robin.

"The Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous."

Ooh!

"The Magnificent Kevin."

"No Country for Straight Men."

(laughing)

I don't want to sell my clothes!

Oh, I know, sweetie.

Come here.

Yeah.

Mmm. Is this a hundred percent silk?

Lily,

listen, we really need the money.

I have some leads on a job, but until then,

I just... I don't know what else we can do.

I'll sell my paintings!

What?

Yeah, I'll sell my paintings.

Good oil paintings go for like, $500.

Yeah.

Totally.

But...

Kids, sometimes you can do something right

a thousand times in a row...

I love it.

It's a masterpiece.

That's it. We're selling the TV.

I just want to come home and stare at this

all day. Aw.

Somebody call the cops!

My wife stole an awesome painting from the museum!

Aw.

But then, that thousand-and-first time...

...that kind of money only goes for real paintings.

Uh-oh.

What does that mean?

Look, it just, it just means

that-that we need money right now

and I'm not sure that selling your paintings

is-is how we're going to get it.

You don't believe in me.

No, wait, wait!

Of c...

of course I believe in you!

Marshall, I am proud of my work as an artist.

My paintings are good.

I bet Robin would buy one.

What now?

I love your painting,

I just... I'm trying to be realistic.

Well, how much money do we need

for the contractor to finish the job?

About 1,500 bucks.

Okay.

So, if I can sell three of my paintings at 500 bucks a pop,

then I get to keep all my clothes.

Babe,

we need money fast.

Well, give me a week.

(sighs)

Okay, a-a week.

Fine. Fine.

Fine.

Pulling.

Them.

Off.

NARRATOR: Lily's first move in the great art challenge of 2008

was to display one of her favorite paintings

at her friend's gallery.

The night didn't go so well.

* *

But then at the last minute...

I love it.

You do?

Yeah, your top. It's gorgeous.

Is that 100% silk?

It's not for sale! My clothes are not for sale!

So the next day,

Lily took her painting to a coffee house

that displayed local artists.

We've been sitting here for hours

and nobody's even glanced at my painting.

Come on.

Let's start talking it up.

Wow!

I really like that painting!

It's neat!

The-the colors are neat.

The-the shapes are neat.

It's really just...

neat.

What?

Observe. (clears throat)

I think there's a dynamic quality to the brushwork

that, combined with the fluid composition,

creates an almost Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.

Yes, and you can still enjoy it

even if you're not a pretentious douche.

Can you clarify something for me about your critique?

Are the colors "neat" or are they more "neato burrito?"

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Uh, then again, red cowboy boots.

I pull these off!

(all laugh)

I pull these off!

You know what I hate most about Ted?

What?

His stupid hair.

His stupid, lame awesome hair.

It's so stupid and awesome.

You know what I hate most about Ted? What?

How he's always like,

"Oh, I want to fall in love and have a relationship.

I care about the people I have sex with."

He's so lame.

He's so lame and awesome.

You know what he needs?

He needs

to see just how horrible he is

when he's in a relationship.

Yeah, and I need to show Ted that I'm over him.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think so.

You're thinking of having sex with Ted?

After four days without selling a single painting,

Lily was getting desperate.

Painting for sale!

$500!

Lifelong dream hanging in the balance!

It's like

they don't even see us.

Yeah, we're dirt to them.

What do you need money for?

Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors

in my new apartment.

You?

Heroin.

Oh.

Do you like heroin?

Love it.

In fact, if you sell that,

I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin.

Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy.

Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...

It's not very good.

And just as she was about to lose all hope,

something amazing happened.

Oh, my God!

Ha!

500 bucks!

Who's a real painter now, Marshall?

Honey, I never said you weren't a real painter.

Oh, I know, sweetie.

And since I'm a professional artist now,

I'm going to sketch you an Aldrin original,

you know, to say thanks

for being such a supportive husband.

I'm thinking about calling it...

"Suck It!"

Lily, come on.

I'm proud of you.

Who-who bought it?

Well, that's the best part.

A gay couple without kids.

A G-CWOK!

You bagged a G-CWOK?!

Yeah, that's right.

They are the heart and soul of the art-buying community.

You know what you should do?

You should call up the G-CWOKs

and offer them a free painting

if they throw a private art party

for all their G-CWOK friends.

That's an amazing idea.

I'm going to go call them.

(gasping): I can probably sell two more paintings with time to spare.

Oh, wait, Marshall.

There was something I had to tell you.

What was it?

Oh, that's right.

(singsongy): Suck it.

Hey.

Ted, fancy bumping into you here.

Have you guys met my girlfriend Abby?

Uh, yeah.

Hi, Abby. Hello,

Abby. So, uh,

s-so you guys are dating now?

That's right.

I am done with this whole being awesome thing.

Now I'm all about farmers' markets

and day hikes in matching khaki cargo shorts.

Isn't that right, sweetie?

That's right.

And girlfriends are lame.

Unless they're me.

I miss you, Ted.

BARNEY: Abby and I

are in love.

Not hot passionate love.

Couple love.

You know, movie night with my girlfriend,

then waiting for her to go to bed

so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy

by the cold, blue light of my computer monitor.

We're showing Ted how lame he is.

You don't have to say it, though.

Uh, okay, Barney, you can stop.

Stop what, Ted?

Stop being in love?

Next he'll ask us to stop breathing.

(both laughing)

We can't stop breathing, Ted.

Your hair looks amazing.

Um, Barney, I, I see what you're doing.

Please stop.

Not before I share with you

what being in a relationship leads to, Ted.

Abby,

Pookie Bear...

I am so pathetically desperate for you that...

aw, heck, I'll just say it.

Will you marry me?

(gasping): Wait, really?

I would never joke about true love.

Yes, I'll marry you.

Okay. (applause)

(laughing)

Thank you, thank you.

I have to call my mom.

(laughs)

That's you.

Uh, yeah, I don't think Abby knows you're kidding.

Uh, yes, she does.

It finally happened, Mama.

I just wish Daddy were alive to walk me down the aisle.

Totally committed to the bit.

Yes, Lily Aldrin.

I sold you the painting earlier today.

Oh, honey, hello.

You sound happy.

Are you kidding? We're popping the champagne right now.

Well, I just wanted to offer you an exclusive chance

to view some of my other paintings.

Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh, I guess I should have told you.

We just bought that for the frame.

What?

Yeah, it's an original Anton Kreutzer,

a very rare frame from the turn of the century.

So... y-you didn't like my painting?

Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, no, not at all.

But you know,

good for you.

Okay.

Wow.

Well, if you didn't want the painting, can I...

can I at least get it back?

Yeah, no, we don't have it anymore.

Where is it?

(inhales sharply)

I see.

H-He threw out my painting.

Champagne for everyone on me,

the happiest guy in the world.

(cheering)

Ginger ale. It's a bit.

This is great.

My dream of becoming an artist is dead,

and now I'm watching my wardrobe disappear

piece by piece.

(chimes)

There goes my favorite dress.

This dress meant a lot to me.

Really?

Yeah.

It was spring of 2004 and I had been having a hard few months.

Day-am.

I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress.

A two-syllable "damn."

That's the dream. Yeah.

Now she belongs to...

CanadaGirl@MetroNewsOne.com.

It's still in the family.

Lily,

you're not going to believe this.

Something amazing happened. What?

I went to the G-CWOK's apartment.

Really? Why?

Because I felt guilty.

This auction was my idea

and now you've had to sit around all day

while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly pick apart

the carcass of your wardrobe.

It's still in the family.

And more importantly,

I honestly love that painting

and I couldn't stand to think of it

in a trashcan someplace.

Well, what happened?

Well, hello.

Hi, um... Lawrence.

I-I'm here about the painting my wife Lily sold you--

the one in the nice frame.

Talk about a nice frame.

My, my, you are a big one, aren't you?

And you're married to that little bit of a thing.

How does that work?

I'd like to find out.

Yeah, we get it.

Gay guys like you.

No, Lily, they love me,

but that's not the important part.

Here's the important part.

Since you're clearly a man

of impeccable taste and style,

I-I came down here to ask you:

what do you think of the boots?

Walter.

Boots.

Pulling.

Them.

Off.

I'll be in the cab.

G-CWOK-approved.

The painting.

Right, so, um, they told me they threw it

in the building's Dumpster.

It wasn't in there,

but the super told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer--

a veterinarian who works in the building--

take the painting out of the trash.

Dr. Greer?

Who's Dr. Greer a-and why did he take my painting?

You're about to find out.

Long story short, I had to make a trash run.

Been a busy day-- lots of neuterings.

Ooh, we don't need the details.

Oh, n-n-no, it's not what you think.

Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly just dog testicles.

Anyway...

I noticed your painting

just sitting right there on top

and I thought, "Hey, free painting,"

so I brought it upstairs

and hung it up in Exam Room 3,

and then the strangest thing happened.

Hey, Muffin.

(dog growling)

Whoa, I think he remembers me

from the last time he was here.

(barks)

Take Muffin to Exam Room 3.

I'll meet you there.

I went in, expecting the worst.

I'd never seen Muffin that calm,

and then a little later the same thing happened again

with Tidbit...

and King Larry...

and again with the Weinstein triplets.

Something about your art speaks to the canine sensibility

on a very primal level.

Really?

Dogs like my paintings?

Yeah.

But you know who it bums out?

Birds.

Yeah.

Had a parrot in there today.

He took one look at it, pried open his cage,

flew right into the ceiling fan.

Anyway, because your first painting worked so well,

I convinced Dr. Greer to buy four more.

Really? Mm-hmm, at $500 apiece.

(gasping): That's two grand.

That's more than we need for the contractor.

Yeah, but I was actually thinking we could reinvest it.

In what? In you.

* *

NARRATOR: Marshall explained that he was building a fancy new Web site

specifically to sell Lily's artwork to veterinarians.

Well, it's not exactly the clientele

I had in mind, but...

thank you for believing in me.

(wings flapping, bird squawking)

(thuds)

Man, birds do not get you.

(knocking)

Hi, sweetie. Hey,

I think I left my tie here. Have you seen it?

No, I'm in wedding-planning mode.

Stressville. Population: me.

Okay, big decision.

What do you think the cake should be:

Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?

Yeah, that was a bit.

We were doing a bit.

So I'm thinking Labor Day.

I was going to say Fourth of July,

but I don't want to steal any attention away from America.

Abby, I've... I've got some bad news.

I can't marry you. What?

Ted begged me not to.

I think he's in love with you.

Really?

Yes, our plan worked better than we ever dreamed.

You have to go to him.

Here's his home address.

But you know what? He works late,

so I wouldn't go before 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.

Oh, my God, thank you.

But now I feel wrong keeping this.

Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.

That's made of candy.

Later.