Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Kids, sometimes in life you see someone

and you just instantly know

this is the person for you.

It can happen anywhere.

Even the waiting room of a tattoo removal clinic.

And that's what happened when I met...

...Stella.

Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp.

My bread and butter.

So I'm guessing that the real story

involves a bad breakup and some booze.

Unless it's a gang tattoo,

in which case, I think it's time to find a new gang.

No, I just thought it would be cool

to get a caterpillar tattoo,

and then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...

(laughing)

Well, I can get rid of it in ten one-hour sessions,

but, I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.

Well, I think you'll find

I have a very high tolerance for pain.

Just last night, I sat through the worst movie ever made.

Oh, Plan 9 From Outer Space?

No, the worst movie-- Manos: Hands of Fate.

Uh, I'm a doctor, went to medical school.

It's Plan 9. If you don't believe me,

it's playing down at the Pamela Theater.

Uh-huh. I don't believe you, Doctor.

Well, what are you doing tonight?

Hello.

Hey, Ted. Hey.

Hey, put that away. Tonight's on me.

Oh, no, no, don't...

Come on, I insist.

That's so nice. Thank you.

Hey, guys, this is my friend Ted.

He wants to pay.

Oh, wow. Oh, yay. Wow, thank you.

One, two, three, four.

Is something wrong?

No, it's just, um...

I'm just a little embarrassed.

I thought this was a date.

But it's no big deal.

Don't worry about it.

What's wrong?

Ted's embarrassed-- he thought this was a date.

Ted thought this was a date.

Stella, did you know Ted thought this was a date?

What? I'm not allowed to date a patient.

It's an AMA rule.

She's not allowed to date patients.

It's an AMA rule.

She's not allowed to date patients.

It's an AMA rule.

She's not allowed to date...

Yeah, I got it.

MAN: We all got it.

Ted's a schmuck.

(laughter)

(laughing)

And you bought all the tickets. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you were right.

Worst moviegoing experience ever.

Of course, it had nothing to do with the movie.

I am so sorry that you thought that was a date.

No, it's fine.

I got to hang out with you on girls' night out.

All right, so if you're not allowed to date a patient,

I'll just... I'll wait until these ten session are up

and then I'll ask you out then.

Well, then, fair warning:

I'm going to say no.

Really? I'm getting mixed signals from you.

I feel like you've been staring at my ass for quite some time.

What, you're married? No.

Boyfriend? No.

Lesbian? No.

Only date black guys? No.

And yet you can say with absolute confidence

that ten weeks from now, if I ask you out on a date,

your answer will be...

No.

No... Hmm.

What could she mean

when she says no?

I don't know,

it is totally cryptic.

This is far from over.

We're talking ten weeks from now.

Who knows what she'll want then?

Do you know what you're going to want

for lunch ten weeks from now?

Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail and a milk shake.

Ted, do you know how long it takes a woman

to decide whether or not she's going to sleep with a guy?

8.3 seconds.

After that,

her decision is made.

She will not change her mind.

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

Describe your first 8.3 seconds with Stella.

Lower back butterfly tattoo--

you're up.

(patients snickering)

(all groaning)

So we got off to a rocky start.

That may be a problem for some guys,

but I get better over time. Right?

I'm not some Top 40 song--

easily digestible.

I'm complex.

I require time and multiple listens.

I'm "Stairway to Heaven."

Wow, Roger Daltrey just rolled over in his grave.

That's not the right guy, is it?

He's not even dead, is he?

I think that's great, Ted.

You can do whatever you set your mind to.

In fact, you've inspired me.

I'm going to stop biting my nails.

But, baby, you love biting your nails.

I know, but I'm doing this for Ted.

Hmm.

God, this is really hard.

Give me ten sessions,

I'm going to turn that "no" into a "yes."

Really, Ted? Mm-hmm.

You think so? Mmm.

Well, tell me, how did the rest of that session go?

This is going to hurt a little.

Yeah, well, I can handle pain.

This one time I was playing tennis, and...

(high-pitched screaming)

Yeah, but tattoo removal really hurts.

Everyone probably sounds like that.

Doctor, are you all right?

I heard a woman screaming in here.

Oh.

(laughing)

Here's to nine more great sessions.

(laughter continues)

NARRATOR: And so the weeks went by.

The second session I told her about how I spent a summer

working with inner-city kids.

The third session we both spoke nothing but French.

The fourth session I made her laugh so hard

she fell out of her chair.

(laughing)

So by the time the fifth session came around...

Still no.

Still no.

What's up with that?

I mean, I juggled.

You juggled?

I thought you were trying to impress her.

You do magic.

How is juggling any lamer than magic?

Magic's not lame.

I don't get it. I mean...

Is this lame?

(screams) Oh, Barney, no, no.

We said no fireballs at the table.

What the hell is wrong with you?

There's alcohol in here.

Barney... I...

We've talked about this.

It's a fire code violation.

Yeah, but Ted provoked me.

No, no, you are on a time-out.

Go sit over there.

But... Go!

Anyway... I don't get it.

She should be into me by now.

You know, you can do this, Ted.

I said that I would stop biting my nails,

and kablam-ey.

It's just a challenge.

It can't be easy to woo someone

while you're sticking your naked butt in their face.

Works for baboons.

It's called "presenting."

I got four sessions left.

Ther-There's got to be an angle I'm not seeing.

You can't turn a "no" into a "yes," Ted.

Can't be done.

I don't know, Barney.

I mean, sometimes persistence pays off.

I said "yes" eventually.

No, you didn't.

You were like, "No, we can't, we're friends.

It would mess up the dynamic of the group."

To Ted.

Oh, right.

Wait a second.

Wait a second, I got the angle.

Sir, please don't yell at me,

because when people yell at me,

I have a tendency to start crying.

Please don't do it.

Abby, I've told you before. Please.

When they're rude to you, hang up the phone.

...how difficult it is for me to... Go on,

you can do this, hang up.

Abby,

hang it up.

I am too busy to waste my time...

I'm sorry, I just wish

that some of the patients would be nicer to you.

The receptionist.

That's my way in.

I like this.

Seduce the receptionist.

That's a great plan.

That's not the plan.

And how would that help me with Stella?

Who?

Here's the plan.

(whistles)

Hi. Here.

I stopped--

Hi, I stopped for coffee

and I... and I thought I'd grab you something.

Oh, wow, thank you, that's so nice.

You're like a knight.

I should call you Sir Ted.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

(laughing nervously): It's really stupid.

Um, Dr. Zinman, Ted's here.

Thanks. Thanks, Abby.

And now we wait.

And sure enough,

by session seven, she saw me in a whole new light.

Okay, I'm about to break my big rule here.

Break it.

Okay.

Abby goes bowling

with her church group every Wednesday night...

Mm-hmm. ...and she really wanted to invite you, but she's too shy.

(clicks tongue)

Abby is...?

My receptionist.

You really made quite an impression on her

with the coffee the other day.

I mean, she has really not stopped talking about you.

Oh, Abby.

I thought you said "Alan."

But you just said, "Abby is...?"

Right.

Right, I thought I said "Alan."

Who's Alan?

Who's Abby?

My receptionist.

Exactly.

What is happening?

(groaning): Ted.

You just got to be yourself, no more gimmicks.

You're right, no more gimmicks.

One more gimmick.

TED: You know what's on her shelf?

That self-help book The Power of Me.

(all groaning) I know, I know, but I thought

if I read it, maybe we'd have something new to talk about.

(all groaning)

It's actually a great book.

It taught me the power of complete memory.

Can I borrow your copy?

I left it somewhere.

I forget.

Hi.

Ted Mosby for Dr. Zinman.

Hi, Ted. I'll let her know.

Telepathically?

(laughing): That's funny.

That's funny, smart, and great.

I am so sorry that I am late.

I have, like, two minutes for lunch everyday.

It's crazy. Yeah, I understand.

I was just, uh, checking out the old bookshelf here.

I see you've read The Power of Me.

It's funny... What? Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, I would never read that piece of crap.

Some patient left it here.

Oh, thank God.

(chuckling): I couldn't agree more.

That's total crap.

I see people reading that on the subway

and I just want to shout, "Get a life, people!"

Ted, I found your book.

What?

Your book The Power of Me.

I think you accidentally dropped it in the garbage.

What? No, that's... that's not mine.

I've never seen that before in my life.

No, you were reading it in the lobby.

Wha-- no, you have me confused with someone else.

No, no, look right here.

"From the personal library of Ted Mosby."

That's you.

Ted, I hate to say this,

but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.

I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.

Ted, every little boy wants to grow up

to nail the doctor or the lawyer.

Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

No. I like Stella.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, Ted.

Your little Stella is not so perfect.

What do you mean?

I went down there

and checked her out for myself.

Yeah.

And while I was down there,

I discovered that she had a secret,

a terrible... terrible secret.

What?

What is it?

Hold on, I gotta pee.

Okay, I'm back.

What's going on at work?

What's the big secret?!

Oh. Oh, right.

Hi, I'd like to see Dr. Zinman, please.

Sure, what's it regarding?

Oh, I just want to see her.

Want to look at her, see what she looks like.

I-I don't understand.

I'm sorry, did I accidentally

oprima numero dos when I called?

Do you speak English?

I want to see her!

Sir, please don't yell at me

because when people yell at me,

I have a tendency to start crying.

What are your credentials?!

Please don't do that. Please.

I want to know who am I speaking with!

BARNEY: At first she seemed great, beautiful, smart,

way out of your league.

But then, I overheard this conversation.

...my grandfather's name-- I was the last-born so...

Oh, Abby, did my hypnotherapist call yet?

No.

(sighs)

When am I going to kick this folliculaphilia?

Folliculaphilia?

Folliculaphilia.

What is that?

Ted, your perfect woman

can only be attracted to men with mustaches.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

That's not real.

You're right, Ted. I'm just making that up.

I know that you are because there's no such thing.

I got it a little bit.

Hi. Uh, Ted Mosby for Dr. Zinman.

Oh, hi, Ted. Love the 'stache.

You look like a young Tom Selleck,

only a million times handsomer.

Dr. Zinman, Magnum's here to see you.

Just kidding.

Stupid.

Sorry I'm late. Typical two-minute lunch.

So we are very close to getting...

(laughing)

(cackling)

Why? Just why?

Y-you don't remember?

I'll bet anyone ten bucks

I can get Ted to grow a mustache.

Uh... okay.

You sabotaged my next to last chance with Stella

for ten dollars?

I know. I would've done it for free.

But, no. You owe me ten bucks.

This is awful. My-my tenth session is next week.

I'm gonna ask her out, and she's gonna say

the most demoralizing syllable in the English language-- no.

You know what? Just forget it.

I'm not even gonna ask her.

No, you have to. She likes you.

She said so herself.

(clearing throat) I mean...

Oh, my God, you went and saw her, too.

I swear to you, I did not.

My wife's always getting on me about my dry elbows.

So good to be in a relationship.

Anyone special in your life?

Or maybe just someone you're interested in?

Interes-ted in?

You know, we should really get this mole checked out.

It's just a little irregular.

MARSHALL: Irregular? Oh, my God.

This is it. It's all over.

One of my patients has this

little butterfly tattoo at the bottom of his back.

Can you stop talking about your other patients?!

I'm dying here, woman!

There you go. Look, even if it is something,

it's easily treatable, so try to relax.

Okay.

Hey, what was it you were saying before

about the guy with the butterfly tattoo?

Oh, that... that's nothing.

It's just a little crush.

So I will be calling you with your results.

Oh. Okay. Thank you.

Oh, sir, your book!

No.

Yes.

She said "crush"?

And she was talking about me?

NARRATOR: That last session was the least painful of all.

I savored every searing blast of that laser.

All done.

The moment I'd waited ten weeks for had arrived.

Stella...

...now that I'm no longer your patient,

would you like to have dinner with me?

Ted, you're a really nice guy...

Oh, no.

It has been so great getting to know you.

I am gonna kill Marshall.

I've had so much fun these last ten weeks.

Oh, my God, this is worse than the laser.

I have a daughter.

What?

Her name's Lucy. She's eight.

Work and being with her, that's pretty much my life.

My social calendar

is movie night with the girls once a month

when I can get a sitter.

I mean, I've been to one party in the past year--

St. Paddy's Day-- it was awful, I left early.

But, really, my only free time

is the two minutes I get for lunch, so...

this is why I don't date.

Ted, I only have time

for one most important person in my life, and that's Lucy.

Anyway, it's been fun.

Next time, think before you ink.

But if you ever do wake up with, like,

a dolphin tattoo on your ankle, just give me a call.

There it is--

she's a mom.

It's just not gonna happen.

Sorry, dude.

Have a shrimp.

I'm good.

I guess I got no one but myself to blame.

She told me right from the start

she was gonna say no and sure enough...

Wait a minute.

Hi. Hi.

You didn't actually say no.

What do you mean?

All this time you were, uh, you were supposed to say no,

but you didn't-- I checked the transcript.

(laughs)

So, here's what I'm proposing.

Uh... You only have two minutes, right?

Right.

Okay. You want to, uh...

go on a two-minute date with me?

Last two-minute date I had gave me a daughter.

Um... Okay.

Great.

And... go.

Taxi!

Hello!

Ted, I seriously only have two minutes...

I know.

That's like 120 seconds.

380 West 22nd, please.

And step on it. We're in a hurry.

380 West 22nd? That's...

Ha-ha!

Right this way.

(laughing): Thank you, sir.

You know, I have always wanted to try this place.

House salad. Oh.

So, college?

Stanford.

Uh-huh. Wesleyan.

Oh, good. Do you know Adam Lazar?

No. Scott Crable? Mm-mm.

Eggplant parmesan.

Thanks. Oh, already cut up. Nice.

Could we get the check please.

We're trying to make a movie in 15 seconds.

Of course. Okay, great.

Uh, how do you want to do this?

You had the eggplant parm.

I only really had water so...

I'm kidding. Oh.

Okay. Let's go.

Taxi! You nervous?

A little bit. You can't tell at all.

Oh, good. Yeah.

Hello!

384 West 22nd.

15 seconds. The movie's started.

Nah, previews. We'll be fine.

Ah! Just in time. It hasn't started yet.

So, what are we seeing?

Manos: Hands of Fate.

The whole thing?

Only the important parts.

Worst movie ever.

Yeah, I almost walked out, like, five times.

How we doing on time? Taxi!

We got a little time.

Okay. Do you want to walk it?

Why not?

Hello!

Good-bye!

So what grade's your daughter in?

Third grade.

Ah! That's a good year.

Yeah, she's wonderful.

I just wish that I could get her to quit smoking, you know?

What? I'm kidding.

Oh. Look, coffee and dessert?

You know, this neighborhood just keeps on changing.

This used to be a cute, little Italian restaurant.

I know. New York.

It's a living organism, an ever-changing tapestry.

Ooh, look at the time.

Let's go.

Mmm, the cheesecake's amazing.

Flowers?

I'm allergic.

Okay. See? We're getting to know each other.

Stella, I had a lovely--

Doggy bag?

Stella, I had a lovely time.

Me, too, Ted.

And... date.

(chuckles) Huh?

That wasn't so bad, right?

No lengthy, awkward silences.

Dessert ran a little long, so...

I had to cut the good-night kiss.

I think I can be late just once.

Ted...

Look, I would love to have a second date, I would.

But I understand that you really don't have time right now,

but if you ever do, will you give me a call?

Yes.

Okay.

And that, kids, is how you turn a "no"

into a "yes."

All my friends told me, "Abby, be strong.

He doesn't deserve another chance."

No, no, no. But I forgive you!

No, no, no, no!

He seemed so nice, but then he just kept

toying with my emotions.

Wow.

This Ted guy sounds like a real jerk.

You know your problem?

You're too sweet.

Aren't you going to see the doctor about that mole?

Oh, yeah.

Turns out it's just a Raisinet.

Hey, how would you like

me to take you out to a fancy restaurant

and then go on a shopping spree?

Treat you the way you should be treated.

Would that make you forget about that Ted monster?

My mom was wrong.

There are nice guys in New York.

We just have to go by my hotel room first.

My bed was broken.

I just have to make sure they fixed it.

Well, then if it's fixed,

can we can have sex on it and then go shopping.

I like you.