Original subtitles

TED: Kids, I never would have met your mother

without a little luck.

Specifically, the luck of the Irish.

St. Patrick's Day.

The one day of the year when every young person

in New York goes out and gets crazy.

Really crazy.

Okay, maybe not that crazy.

But by 2008, we'd all had enough.

Well, most of us.

(laughing)

Who wants to kiss The Barney Stone?

Oh, look, it's the Riddler.

That's not the Riddler. That's Gumby.

Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later?

Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury?

All right, laugh all you want,

but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit.

Yup, I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby.

You know why it's lucky?

'Cause it's green, the color of go, as in let's.

Uh, Barney, we, uh...

we talked this over, and, uh,

we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year.

(laughs)

Come on. Let's...

Are you s...

Oh!

Wow. Okay.

I think I got to lie down.

Can we shoot pool on you?

No! No!

Unacceptable!

That's so not Raven!

What are you gonna do instead?

MARSHALL: We just got

the keys to our new apartment,

so we're gonna go over there

and hang up that painting, have board game night.

You're welcome to join us if you want.

Board game night?!

Board game night.

Come on!

Let's drink green beer. Let's do green Jell-O shots!

Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?!

We're drinking green tea.

With caffeine.

Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now.

We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore.

All right, fine.

You know what?

I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day by myself.

I don't need you people.

You make me physically ill.

He did look a little green.

(laughter)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hey, happy St. Patty's Day!

How are you?

Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever.

Who is it? It's Ted's butt.

Ah, damn it!

My phone keeps pocket-dialing!

That's, like, the eighth time today.

In fairness, I did call Ted's butt

at, like, 2:00 this afternoon.

It took long enough to call you back. Yeah.

(phone ringing)

Barney, where are you?

In a cab, heading downtown

with our hot and sexy dates for the evening.

Yes, it happens that fast!

We're going to that club Low Point,

and you're coming with us.

Barney, for the last time...

All right, I didn't want to tell you this

in front of Marshall and Lily because they're old and married,

and it's too late for them, anyway,

but Ted, the world is going to come to an end tonight.

Yes. Think about it.

End of the world, Nostradamus.

Notre Dame.

Fighting Irish. Irish.

St. Patrick's Day.

This is it, bro.

Bro-pacalypse Now.

Bromageddon.

Ted,

you are young, you're single.

You'll have so much more fun with me.

Do you really want to spend your last night on earth

playing board games with Marshall and Lily?

(sniffing)

My hands smell weird.

Smell this.

(sniffs)

Yeah, they do. That's new.

I'll be there in five minutes.

Yes!

(laughs) All right!

He's in! Ted's a great guy.

Y...

(humming)

You're gonna love him.

(laughs)

TED: So on March 17, 2008,

I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party.

And it's a good thing I did,

because, funny story:

your mother was there.

Hey. Hi.

Have you met Ted?

Hi. I'm Mary.

Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day.

I haven't met Ted, either.

I'm Stephanie. Hi.

Dude, back off.

I called dibs on Stephanie.

Okay. Mary's hot.

Well, then I want Mary.

Fine.

Oh, I see.

Reverse psychology.

Then I'm sticking with Stephanie, Dr. Freud.

Okay.

Which one do you want more?

Either one. I want them both.

You're an idiot, and it may be a moot point.

I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting in.

Look at this.

You know why there's a line?

It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily,

and now the universe is punishing us for it, that's why.

Yeah.

What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20?

$40?

Dude, come on, you're making the wee folk look bad.

Just give him your pot o' gold.

Is it just you two? Don't worry. We're not gonna blow your ratio.

We happen to have two very hot girls with us.

Mine's the hotter one.

Sorry, guys. Look, if it was just you two,

you could go in right now.

We got nothing but girls in there.

People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar.

Would you excuse us for just a minute?

Ted, I'm gonna be honest.

I was full of it with that whole Nostradamus thing.

No.

But I am starting to think there is

some serious planetary crap going on here tonight.

Never in the history of New York City nightclubs

has there been a shortage of dudes,

not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883.

We got to ditch these girls.

But you dragged them all the way down here.

I don't see no ring on this finger.

All right, hold on.

Uh, excuse me?

Are the girls in there hotter than our dates?

I don't know if they're hotter,

but they're drunker.

Rock 'n' roll.

(door opening)

Welcome to your dream home, my lady.

(Marshall humming)

All right, all right.

You can put me down.

Robin thinks we're weird.

No, it's fine.

It was only weird on the subway.

Oh. I'm gonna check the other rooms

to see if the previous owners left us any free stuff.

I'm gonna hang our first piece of art.

Oh, look, there's already a nail.

Hey, Lil, free nail!

LILY: Score!

How's that?

Perfect. (laughs)

Whoops.

Oh, now this is ridiculous.

Is it the nail?

Marshall? Is the wall slippery or something?

Marshall. Is there a wind? Is there some sort of draft in here?

Marshall! What?

Your apartment's crooked.

What do you mean?

TED: It was the kind of thing

you didn't notice until you noticed it.

But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it.

Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no!

No!

Oh, no, no. Oh, no.

Yes. Are you telling me that we just spent

our entire life savings and then some

on-on a crooked apartment?

LILY: Oh, my God!

No, she's gonna flip.

Just calm down. It's gonna be fine.

Look what I found in the kids' room!

Free skateboard. Score! (laughs)

Free Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Double score! (laughs)

I'm gonna check the kitchen!

Okay. How could she not notice this?

It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here.

We have to keep this quiet.

If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked,

it's gonna... it's gonna break her heart.

(laughing): Free salad strainer!

I love this place. Yay!

(whispers): Just for tonight, okay?

Okay.

But it's gonna be an uphill battle.

I am just saying we have to think of the right angle.

I have a third one, but I'm not gonna say it.

Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled

into some kind of ethical, philosophical wormhole.

Green suit. Yeah.

I ditched Marshall and Lily,

and was rewarded with two beautiful girls.

Suit's made of green.

We bailed on those two beautiful girls,

and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls.

38 long.

It's like...

It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse.

Can you put it on my tab? Yeah. What's the last name?

Garrido.

All right, I'm gonna try something, and if this works...

Uh, hey. Hey, what can I get you guys?

A bottle of Dom Perignon, and can you put it on my tab?

Sure. What's the name?

Garrido. Dude!

Oh, uh, yeah, you're right.

Uh, make it two bottles.

Two.

Now we wait, see if something good happens... Oh! Hello!

St. Patrick's Day tradition.

If you're not wearing green, you got to get pinched.

Well, I guess I got what I deserved.

I'm not wearing green, either.

This is, um, deep teal.

The lighting makes it...

Uh, I'm Ted.

Ashlee with two "e"s.

Please. "C"s at most.

You know, you guys should come join me and my friends.

We have a bottle of tequila

and shockingly deep belly buttons.

Okay, it's official:

do bad things, good things happen.

Shh!

Ted, listen.

Are you hearing that?

That's the universe.

The universe is talking to us.

We don't have to build a baseball field, do we?

No. The universe is telling us

that we have a free pass tonight.

The universe is saying

that we don't have to live in fear of the...

Are you still there?

Yeah, I'm here.

...of the repercussions of our actions.

There is no waiting for tomorrow,

because do you know why, Ted?

There is no tomorrow.

No tomorrow, huh?

By the way, Mr. Garrido,

second bottle of champagne gets you a complimentary ounce of caviar.

Enjoy.

(upbeat instrumental Irish music plays)

No tomorrow!

No tomorrow!

ALL: No tomorrow!

Hey, I wonder what the grown-ups are doing right now.

(laughs)

(shouting excitedly)

Oh...

I win again.

Why do I keep winning?

Maybe your hippo is just hungrier hungrier than ours.

That's it. That's what it is.

It's not gravity, that's for sure.

I'll tell you that.

Whoa.

What was that?

What's going on here?

Okay, Lily... (sighs)

while you were in the other room, Robin and I,

we discovered something about the apartment.

It's not a big deal.

It's not like a disaster. It's just...

It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with.

Robin and I saw a ghost.

What?

Oh, he's kidding, right?

No, we really saw a ghost.

What did it look like?

Uh, a sheet with two holes in it.

He was a Confederate general

who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam,

and he died at the army hospital

which once stood on this very spot.

And now he wanders these halls,

vowing revenge against the Union cannonade

that once felled him.

But he seems nice. He's a good-good guy.

Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere.

You see ghosts at Starbucks.

That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf.

Last time that happened.

But, Robin, you're a skeptic,

so if you say you saw a ghost...

(monotonic): It passed right through me,

and suddenly I felt cold, so very cold.

(Lily screams)

You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry.

You're probably just gonna want to get up and walk away,

but I just have to test out this theory

I've been working on.

Tonight, I am not looking for a relationship.

I really just want to hook up with you,

leave before breakfast, and never see you again.

(clears throat)

I'm in.

Unbelievable.

(growling)

Hot damn, that's a deep navel.

No tomorrow, Ted.

Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney.

No tomorrow, huh?

Hmm.

I like that idea.

Because if there is a tomorrow,

I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble.

Oh, yeah? Why is that? Mm-hmm.

I'm married.

Tell me you're messing with me, guys.

You didn't actually see a ghost.

It's not a big deal, baby.

He seemed friendly.

You said he's a Confederate general.

They're the bad guys.

And he's probably racist.

MARSHALL: No,

he seemed polite.

He had courtly Southern manners.

We're gonna raise our kids here.

I don't want some Confederate general ghost

teaching them his racism.

He loves people of all colors

and creeds.

He was fighting for states' rights, that's all.

Robin said he was wearing a sheet.

What do you think that means?

The apartment is crooked.

What?

(gasps)

Robin and I didn't see a ghost.

The floor is crooked, isn't it?

Yeah.

We spent our entire life's savings on this floor.

The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives

will be spent on this floor, and it's crooked.

(sobbing)

Thanks a lot, Robin.

(Lily sobbing)

How is "racist ghost" better than "crooked"?

(sobbing)

Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better.

Because...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

Um, dude, so, I'm having second thoughts about that theory.

I'm telling you,

if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows.

Not that theory.

You have to be more specific, Ted,

'cause I have so many theories.

The whole do bad, good things happen... Oh.

Ashlee is married.

So? What do you mean, so?

Open your brain tank, brah,

'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge.

There's three rules of cheating:

It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married,

it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels,

and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code.

You're fine on all three counts.

How do you know she's from a different area code?

She's 516.

She might dress like she's 718,

act like she's 212, but trust me, she's 516.

Oh, and her husband--

letting her out alone on Saint Patty's Day?

If that dude's not 973, I'm 307.

Wyoming.

We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture.

We won't be able to get a pinball machine.

I mean, unless we put some books

under two of the legs or something.

But then what if we want to read those books?

This is a nightmare.

We can't raise our kids here.

They'll grow up slanted.

If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen.

I don't think we can live here, Marshall.

I don't know what we're gonna do.

Marshall?

Open the door.

If I make it through the door,

that's five points.

(Robin whooping)

Yeah!

(crashing) Whoo!

ROBIN: Five points!

Ten bucks says I can do it backwards.

So Lily and Marshall decided

to make the best of a bad situation.

And that's also how the sport of Apartment Roller Luge

was invented.

ROBIN: Go, Lily, go!

So she's married? It's not like she has kids.

How do you know?

Wrists.

It's like you don't even listen to me.

Whoa.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Hey. Where'd you go?

Well, I just, um...

Was it something I said?

No, no, no, it's just, well...

you're married and-and we've been drinking,

and I was worried we might...

Oh, this is a very bad idea.

Uh-uh.

We have a problem.

Hey, hey. Hey.

Is this your husband?

I've never seen this man in my life.

Oh, okay.

Uh, what's our problem?

(chuckles): Rick. Rick Garrido.

According to the bartender,

I'm the guy that's been buying you champagne all night.

Okay, there's-there's a very simple explana...

TED: Next thing I know the police show up,

they arrest the other guy,

and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night.

(chuckles): It was awesome.

Awesome, huh?

Yeah.

You don't see anything wrong with that story?

Well, I lost my new phone back at the club somewhere.

What the hell is wrong with you, dude?

You know me, I lose things.

You kissed a married woman, Ted.

You committed credit card fraud.

You... you kissed a married woman.

Do you know how offensive that is to me?

You're turning into Barney.

We don't need another Barney.

Look...

it's Saint Patty's Day.

It wasn't as bad as it sounds.

"It wasn't as bad as it sounds"?

No. Huh?

Okay...

I want you to hear exactly how it sounds, Ted.

RECORDING: First skipped message.

BARNEY: I don't see no ring on this finger.

And then last night started coming back to me:

the real version.

Are the girls in there hotter than our dates?

I don't know if they're hotter,

but they're drunker.

Rock 'n' roll.

How many messages did I...?

Seventeen... from your butt.

Kids, it's sometimes possible to think

you're doing just fine in life...

RECORDING: Next message.

Can you put it on my tab? (imitates gunshot)

Sure, what's the last name?

Garrido.

...and then someone opens your eyes a little bit,

and you realize...

RECORDING: Next message.

I really want to hook up with you,

leave before breakfast, and then never see you again.

...your whole world is off balance...

RECORDING: Next message.

...out of whack...

Okay, look, brah,

there is a very simple explana...

...crooked.

(moaning)

Wow.

That was hard to listen to.

No one likes how they sound on an answering machine.

Thanks for doing that.

You yelled at me.

You got very firm with me.

Very confident.

It was cool.

Thanks.

You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall.

Shut up.

Veins, crazy muscles in your neck.

You look like a Kentucky Derby-winning steed.

You're ruining a nice moment.

At one point, I swear, I thought we were gonna kiss.

Ted, seriously.

I'm married.

(laughs)

Oh... a slanted floor.

Architecturally speaking, fixing that's going to be...

Very, very, very expensive.

And it's gonna take some time, too,

so it looks like you're stuck with us

for a little while longer, if that's okay.

Are you kidding? I love it.

I don't know what's gonna happen to me without you guys around.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get my stupid phone.

So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008.

I found out years later that your mom was at that party.

I just didn't meet her.

And it's a good thing I didn't, 'cause if I had met her,

I don't think she would have liked me.

Heck, I don't think I liked me.

But that's okay.

Tomorrow had arrived.

(mouthing)

* *

* *

You see, I didn't know it yet,

but my luck was about to change.

* *

(metallic clattering)

(coughing)

I'm awesome.