Original subtitles

Oh, my God!

I have a tattoo.

Oh, that's not a tattoo.

That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.

A tramp stamp.

TED: Kids, too often in life,

we make decisions that we're not prepared to live with.

This is a story about those decisions,

and the consequences that follow.

Say good-bye, kids,

'cause it won't be around much longer.

Oh, but, Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly,

how's everyone gonna know

you're a stripper from Reno with Daddy issues?

(laughing)

Yes, yes, enjoy these

final moments of mockery

because in just ten surprisingly expensive sessions,

Stella is gonna zap that butterfly

right off the face of my lower back.

Stella? Dr. Stella Zinman.

She's the best in the business.

And she's rather cute.

In fact... we're going to a movie together tonight.

What?

I asked her out.

Oy. Oh. Ted, why would you do that?

What's the matter with you? What?

What do you mean? Dude...

don't poop where you eat.

Oh, no, this doesn't count.

If it's someone you see on a regular basis,

and you can't avoid them...

And in this case, you're paying them...

then yes, it counts.

Ted,

you've heard of the Golden Rule, right?

"Love thy neighbor?"

Uh, actually, it's "Do unto others

as you would have them do unto you."

It's from the Bible.

Damn it, Ted, I've worked out this whole thing

where the Golden Rule is "Love thy neighbor,"

so just... okay?

Now, the Golden Rule is "Love thy neighbor."

But there's one rule above it:

the Platinum Rule: Mmm.

"Never ever, ever, ever, love thy neighbor."

Well, that's cute.

But she's not my neighbor; she's my doctor.

So if you'll excuse me... Wait, Ted,

Barney has a point.

Remember what happened

with me and Curt down at the station?

Oh, yeah, and remember what happened with us

and the Gerards across the hall?

Need I remind you

about me and Wendy the Waitress?

Yeah, I don't have time for this.

I'm out the door as soon as I'm finished with my hair.

Good, then we've got a solid half hour.

(all laugh)

And in that time,

we will convince you

not to set foot out that door.

It's a story older than time, my friend,

and it always plays out in the same eight steps.

Step 1: Attraction.

No, that's not possible. It's true.

That's not even possible.

12 of them. There's no way.

Hi, Barney. Hey.

Here's your gin and tonic. Thanks.

Oh, gosh.

Look at that.

Oh, hi!

Hi. You must be our new neighbors.

I'm Michael. And I'm Laura.

Oh, hi, welcome to the building. Yeah.

Do you guys know any good brunch places around here?

We love brunch!

You must be Robin.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Curt "The Iron Man" Irons.

I'm gonna be doing sports.

Oh. Welcome.

You look really familiar.

Are you a former athlete?

Hockey.

The attraction is

instant and undeniable.

But you know better.

You've seen your friends make the same mistakes

before.

You've laughed smugly at them.

(chuckling): Idiots.

But still, you think, "This is different.

The Platinum Rule doesn't apply to me."

And that's Step 2.

Bargaining.

I think I've got

a little crush on our sports guy. No.

No, don't do it. No, no, no, no.

I know, I know.

But he used to play hockey, and I'm a Canadian.

I can't help it.

If he were missing some teeth,

I probably would've already hit that.

Robin, it's a mistake.

Remember what happened with me and Marshall?

The Gerards across the hall?

Michael and Laura.

They're awesome!

We're gonna invite them over for dinner.

No! No! Really? Are you insane?

Guys, guys, guys,

this is New York City.

You don't get close to the neighbors.

You nod at them politely in the hall.

You call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while

and you smell something funny, and that is it.

We're not gonna date them.

We're just gonna be friends with them.

That's the couples version of dating.

And you've got the couples version of the hots for them.

Oh, yeah,

you want to eat brunch with them.

You want to browse at Pottery Barn with them.

You want to go antiquing with them, don't you?

Oh, yeah,

you want to antique the crap out of them.

Need I remind you

what happened with me and Wendy the Waitress?

I've decided to seduce Wendy the Waitress.

No!

Don't do it! Request denied!

What rule is there

that says I can't seduce the waitress at my favorite bar?

I don't know. I'd expect you to have one already.

Yeah, with some sort of catchy name.

Well, I don't.

I don't have one and I never will

because it's a great idea.

Come on, guys.

She's gullible. I'm bored.

We're perfect for each other.

TED: Barney.

We love this bar.

If you screw over Wendy the Waitress,

you're going to kill the bar.

Bar-killer. Don't kill the bar, dude.

Yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.

And it was a huge mistake.

Yeah, well, I think it'll be okay.

And it was a huge mistake.

Yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.

And it was a huge mistake.

Yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.

Ted, trust me.

You don't want to do this.

Look, Stella and I are both adults.

We're both smart, mature people

capable of making good decisions.

You have a butterfly tramp stamp.

We're just seeing a movie.

If it seems at all weird, I'll back off.

That's what everyone thinks.

And then along comes Step 3:

Submission.

Night.

Hey, Barney.

Carl had to take off. You mind giving me a hand?

Not at all.

Robin. Mmm?

I got two tickets to the Rangers.

Center ice.

Want to go?

And then we discover the movers lost all our kitchen boxes.

We don't have a single pot or pan.

Guess we're ordering take-out.

Want to have dinner with us tonight?

*

*

I love them. Me, too.

(sighs)

Wow.

That was an interesting use of the beverage gun.

Club soda can get anything off.

(sighs)

It finally happened.

All this time,

every drink I brought you...

I always felt there was this unspoken connection between us.

And I was right.

Hey, can I get a gin and tonic?

See, I bet you didn't pay for that gin and tonic.

Oh, I paid for it.

But you got to admit, there is an upside

to breaking The Platinum Rule.

Like maybe, as her boyfriend,

I could get a discount on treatments.

Oh, Ted.

Of course there's an upside.

At first.

That's Step 4.

Perks.

We can split a cab to work together.

We always have a standing lunch date.

And last night, at the hockey game,

Curt got us into the locker room,

and I met Mason Raymond.

Left Wing for the Vancouver Canucks.

What's the opposite of name-dropping?

Damn it, you guys.

Be psyched.

Yes, we see each other every day,

but I think it's going really well.

That's what we thought.

And it's so convenient.

They're right across the hall.

Say it's Sunday,

and we want to have a brunch double date with someone?

We just go across the hall.

And say we want to have a dinner party

exploring the wine and cuisine

of France's Loire Valley?

We just go across the hall.

Say we want to play a game of charades...

You just go across the hall?

Come on, people. Get excited for us.

We've got a great thing going here.

That's what I thought.

Dude, you got to flick it. You don't...

Hi, sweetie.

I had the kitchen whip these up, no charge.

Okay.

Bye.

I mean, not bye. I'm not leaving.

I'll be over there.

Okay.

Come on, guys. Free nachos.

What?

We like this bar.

Don't kill the bar, dude.

Nay, we love this bar. Don't kill the bar, dude.

This bar is like home to us.

Don't kill the bar, dude. You're killing the bar.

I am not killing the bar.

Wendy the Waitress

has seen how I operate in this place.

It is perfectly clear

to everyone involved

that this is nothing more than a temporary fling.

It's fine.

But it wasn't.

It's fine.

But it wasn't.

It's fine.

But it wasn't.

Which brings us to Step 5:

...but he should be back on the mound

by spring training.

And that's sports.

Back to you, Robin.

Thanks, Iron Man.

We'll be right back.

MAN: And clear.

So you want to do something later?

Oh, so you're talking to me now?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about last night.

You said you'd call and you didn't.

I missed you and I waited up, but you didn't call.

That really hurt.

Oh.

Um, I'm sorry, I-I guess I just forgot.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I don't want to fight tonight.

It's our first weekiversary.

On my suggestion, you flip it.

Why would you flip it? It doesn't...

Hey, Wendy, uh, do me a favor

and send a glass of champagne

to that pretty young thing over there.

What?

Over there.

You.

You're the pretty young thing...

is what I meant.

Champagne? Would you? On me.

Oh. Okay.

Thanks, sweetie.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, neighbors.

We bought all the fixings for a Mexican fiesta.

Oh.

Um, well, we actually have tickets...

And no fiesta would be complete without...

Dude, actually, we made other plans, so...

Okay. One word.

Two syllables. Sounds like...

..."parade." Charades.

Charades.

What do you say?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Which brings us to Step 6.

Yeah, listen, I'm leaving.

So if you want to write the rest of these down,

I will read it tomorrow.

Don't do this, Ted.

You want to get out of the way?

Don't do this, Ted. All right.

Don't.

Dude! Gah!

It was perfect!

You're such a jerk.

Which brings us to Step 6.

You finally realize you've made a huge mistake

and now you have to live with it.

Step 6 is called Purg... Wait for it.

Keep waiting...

keep waiting for all of eternity

only to discover there's no escape-- atory.

God, I'm such

an idiot.

Yeah.

Curt "The Iron Man" Irons

keeps leaving me love notes on Post-Its.

On the teleprompter, on my desk,

on the coffee-maker,

on the jar of sugar packets next to the coffee-maker.

"Here's some sugar for my sugar."

The Iron Man.

(sighing)

I remember that.

God, we are such idiots.

Yup.

Every time we step out the door,

they're out there waiting for us.

Sometimes, we'll send Ted out first as a scout.

Nobody's there.

Then we'll go out one second later, and there they are.

It's freakin' supernatural.

Are they ghosts? Can only we see them?

"Hey, neighbor." "Hey, neighbor." "Hey, neighbor."

(sighs)

Hmm, I remember that.

How could you guys let me date Wendy the Waitress?

Oh, you are kidding me. What?!

Don't kill the bar, dude. We said, "Don't do it."

My own bar.

I can't hit on women in my own bar.

Remember the old Barney?

He was a lion, the king of the jungle,

stalking whatever prey he chose,

going in for the kill.

You've got a whole meat locker at home

full of corpses, don't you?

Now look at me.

Declawed. Neutered.

What was once

my jungle is now my zoo.

And I am forced to mate with the same old lioness

again and again and again,

while families pay to watch.

Yeah, this metaphor's really falling apart.

Put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly, kids,

for I am just a docile housecat now.

Meow.

Well, we love this bar.

You can't dump her.

Marry her if you have to.

Wendy the Waitress-Hyphen-Stinson.

Don't kill the bar, dude.

And so, inevitably, you have to do the thing

you've been dreading all along.

Now, a relationship-ectomy

is a delicate surgery as it is,

but in the case of the Platinum Rule,

it takes a very, very steady hand, and that's...

Step 7: Confrontation.

Curt, we need to talk.

I like you...

Guys, we like you a lot...

I don't like you.

We're pretending this works, but it doesn't.

And I'm getting a little sick of the whole charade.

We're getting a little sick of charades.

I mean, I don't like you that way.

I used to like you that way.

But now that I've seen everything

there is to see, I don't know,

I kind of want to see those same parts

just... on other girls.

So maybe, we could go back to just being coworkers.

Maybe we should just go back to being neighbors.

Other girls and you,

if you're into that.

But the other girls have to be there, too.

That's the important part.

Gosh, you're just terrified

of ever getting close to anyone, aren't you?

Or that.

Let's say it's that.

So can I get a gin and tonic?

And in any other relationship,

that would be it.

End of story.

But because you have to see this person again,

there's a Step 8: Fallout.

ROBIN: And now, here's

Curt "The Iron Man" Irons with sports.

Curt?

Curt?

Well, the Knicks lost.

It's sad, really.

They had a real shot.

Then, out of nowhere, game over.

And why?

Why, Robin?

Uh, well, their perimeter shooting

has been a little bit off this season...

The Knicks lost because they were afraid of getting hurt.

So they didn't even try.

Well, you know what I think?

I think

the Knicks didn't deserve my love to begin with.

The Knicks suck.

(sobbing)

And that's sports.

LILY: Do you see anything?

MARSHALL: I think we're clear.

Okay, go, go, go!

(hushed): That was close.

(hushed): Too close.

(knocking)

You've got to be kidding me.

What do we do?

I have no idea.

(knocking continues)

TED: Guys, are you there?

I forgot my keys. Can you open up?

It's just Ted.

Wait!

Hello? (knocking)

Guys?

(mouthing words)

Baby, we only have one choice.

Okay, hurry! Michael and Laura are probably...

(Lily screams)

Hey, neighbors.

Yeah. (Barney chuckles)

Barney, I just want you to know, I have no hard feelings.

It wasn't the best idea

for us to get involved.

I hope we can still be friends.

Thanks, Wendy.

Of course we can.

If you need anything else, let me know.

Wow.

I've got to hand it to Wendy the Waitress:

that was very mature of her.

She's gonna try to kill me.

This is poisoned.

What? You're being ridiculous.

Yours is poisoned, too.

She's trying to kill me and everyone close to me.

What are you talking about? Ted!

Look at the facts: I dump her

and she says, "No hard feelings."

She's a psycho!

What other explanation is there?

Uh, that you're letting yourself believe she's crazy

so you don't have to face the far more likely possibility

that she doesn't want to date you either?

Where did Marshall get that hamburger?

I don't know, I guess

Wendy the Waitress brought it to him.

Nooooooo!

Dude.

You're welcome.

Wait a second.

You've been sitting here,

pretending to be the expert on all this,

but the truth is, there was no real fallout

from your breakup at all?

Yet.

You're an idiot.

All right, I'm taking off.

What?! I have a date.

Wha...? You are such a jerk!

Ted, have you not been listening?

Attraction, bargaining, submission,

perks, tipping point,

purgatory, confrontation, fallout!

These things will all happen to you

as surely as they happened to all of us!

It's a rule of nature!

Well, I'm sick of all the rules!

There's too many of them!

The Hot/Crazy Scale, the Lemon Law,

the Platinum Rule...

If everyone in the world

followed every one of your rules,

the human race would cease to exist.

Yes, chances are Stella and I are not

going to live happily ever after.

The overwhelming odds have it ending badly.

And when that happens,

it'll be for one of a million possible reasons.

But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna try.

And when it does fail,

so help me God, it's not gonna be because of some rule.

P.S.

You just made my hair look awesome.

Good night.

*

So Stella and I went on our date.

But here's the funny thing:

turns out, it wasn't actually a date.

So what do you mean "it wasn't a date"?

She thought we were seeing a movie just as friends.

Why would she think that?

Did she see your tattoo and assume you were gay?

Apparently, there's a rule that says I can't date Stella.

Exactly: the Platinum Rule.

Stella reads my blog.

No, this rule comes from the American Medical Association.

Doctors aren't legally allowed to date their patients.

Oh, sorry, Ted.

Eh, it's okay.

What are you guys watching?

So that was the end of the story

between me and Stella, at least for the time being.

But I don't know, looking back on the Platinum Rule,

I think there's a ninth step.

We'll call it Coexistence.

It's the moment you realize that all that anger

and resentment just isn't useful.

Thanks for watching.

Good night. *

And you start to let go of it.

Hey, guys.

So what do you guys have going on tonight?

We're going to have a few friends over.

Gonna play some charades.

Have fun.

*

And move on with your life.

It just takes a while.

On the house.

Thanks.

Cuckoo!