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1
00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,105
TED:
It was a quiet November
afternoon in 2007.
2
00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,568
I was working from home,
3
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,876
because, you know,
no distractions.
4
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:09,578
This is incredible!
Oh, my God!
5
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:10,910
I can't believe it!
6
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,184
I have big news.
Oh, my God!
7
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,653
Okay, my thing's
pretty huge.
8
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,381
But fine, you
can go first.
Okay,
I just
9
00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:17,986
found out...
I found a porno
starring Ted Mosby!
10
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,188
What are you...
11
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,390
What are you,
what are talking about?
12
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:23,921
I'm talking about Welcome
to the Sex Plane,
13
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,427
and look who plays
the navigator,
14
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,300
Ted Mosby.
15
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:29,699
Whoa.
16
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,600
It's the same exact spelling
as my name.
17
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:32,272
Okay, you know,
18
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:33,970
cute coincidence, Barney.
19
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,141
Whatever.
20
00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,599
I just got off the phone
with the NR...
21
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,907
Oh, my God,
this totally explains the thing
22
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,439
at my doctor's the other day.
23
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,644
Open wide.
24
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:43,475
I guess you're more used
to saying that
25
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:45,581
than hearing it,
huh, Ted Mosby?
26
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:46,553
(chuckles)
27
00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,518
Who is this guy?
28
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,620
And why's my doctor
watching porn?
29
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:54,462
All right, let's meet
your new doppelganger.
30
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,988
Or should I say doppelbanger?
31
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,023
Oh.
32
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,887
Guys, guys, guys!
33
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,956
Can I tell my news?
34
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,434
It's pretty...
This is really
bizarre.
35
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,833
The only other famous
Mosby I know
36
00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:05,674
was a Confederate general
during the Civil War.
37
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,339
Probably not the same guy.
38
00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:09,268
I got the job
at the NRDC!
39
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,313
You got the job!
Oh!
Yeah.
40
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:14,239
The NRDC, or National Resources
Defense Council,
41
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,705
fought for clean water,
42
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:18,783
air and to preserve
America's wilderness.
43
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:20,382
It was Marshall's dream job.
44
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,424
Congrats,
buddy!
Thanks.
45
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,950
It's kind of weird hugging
with porn on.
46
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:24,994
Yeah, it really is.
47
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,018
Oh!
48
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:27,363
Hey, hey-o!
49
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:28,658
New guy entering the cockpit.
50
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,489
Could it be the navigator,
Ted Mosby?
51
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:32,585
Uh... no.
52
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,196
No, navigators have three
stripes on their hats.
53
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,358
Captains have four.
54
00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:36,926
That guy's a captain.
55
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:39,074
Yeah, and I'm sure
complete accuracy
56
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,439
in all those details was very
important to the directors...
57
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:45,310
"Dirt and Skank,
The Raunch Brothers."
58
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:51,382
Baby, I have some
exciting news!
59
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:54,112
I hope it's not that you just
won some sort of race here.
60
00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:56,618
I got the job
at the NRDC!
61
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,990
(gasps)
And I found a porno
starring Ted Mosby!
62
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,919
Oh my God,
that's amazing!
63
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,394
I know, right?
64
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,723
Oh, congratulations,
Marshall!
65
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,387
Congratulations to us all!
66
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,956
Oh, let's go
celebrate!
67
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,704
The fact that I found a porno
starring a guy named Ted Mosby--
68
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,060
let's do it!
69
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,768
Oh, is that him?
70
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,240
'Cause that Ted Mosby
really knows what
he's doing.
71
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,699
No, that's not him.
72
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:17,737
What do you mean,
73
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,871
"that" Ted Mosby really knows
what he's doing.
74
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,407
Oh, no.
75
00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:23,612
No, I meant, that
Ted Mosby,
76
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,284
he really knows
what he's doing.
77
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,683
Like all Ted Mosbys.
78
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:28,975
Wow, NRDC!
79
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:30,076
Way to go, Marshall.
80
00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,417
But you're
81
00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:33,852
still gonna go to your job
interview today, right, baby?
82
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:34,787
Marshall had an interview
83
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,822
at a firm called Nicholson,
Hewitt and West.
84
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,257
They represented
85
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:40,062
pretty much everybody
Marshall was going to sue
86
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,563
once he started at the NRDC.
87
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,026
I'm not doing
that interview.
88
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,574
Those people are evil.
89
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:48,499
Marshall, your dad went through
a lot of trouble to set this up.
90
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,396
You can't just pull out
at the last second.
91
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,638
Apparently you can.
92
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,183
Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat!
93
00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:56,539
Three stripes!
94
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,847
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
Ted Mosby, porn star.
95
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,509
Oh.
Wow.
Oh!
96
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,078
Oh.
Wow.
Whoa.
97
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,715
I know what kind
of plane this is.
98
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,021
It's a "Boing."
99
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,392
(laughing)
See.
100
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,720
This is way better
than Marshall's internship.
101
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,816
It's a real job.
102
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,228
Who is this guy?
103
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,490
Are we related?
104
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,827
Do, do I look like him?
105
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,402
Um...
106
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,430
It's hard to tell.
107
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,795
Go, go like this.
108
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,239
Oh, yeah, a
little bit.
Yeah.
109
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,541
More around
the eyes.
Oh, I do see that.
110
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,787
And here's your water,
111
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,021
in case you're dehydrated,
Ted Mosby.
112
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,556
(chuckles)
Very funny, Wendy.
113
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,292
Now we know
you watch porn.
114
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,401
This Ted Mosby must
be getting kind of famous.
115
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,660
Mm.
You're not wrong.
116
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,098
According to
the Web site,
117
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:53,772
of the far superior
Ted Mosby...
118
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,365
...he's been
in the business
three months,
119
00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,944
and he's made
125 movies.
120
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,072
Wow.
121
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,307
That's 42 movies
a month.
122
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,083
Who is he, Jude Law?
123
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:05,351
Right?
124
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,979
He makes a lot
of movies.
125
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,075
I mean,
126
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,976
not so much lately,
127
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,988
but maybe, like,
two years ago,
128
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,320
you couldn't go to
a movie without...
Shh...
129
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:17,686
Oh, hey, look,
check it out.
130
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:20,785
Ted Mosby did an interview
in Adult Video Weekly.
131
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,898
Adult Video Weekly?
132
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,900
Oh, no.
133
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,302
(phone rings)
134
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,274
Hello?
135
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,972
Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby.
136
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,773
It's Leonard Ross from AVW.
137
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:32,805
Oh, my God!
138
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,040
AVW?
139
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,014
It's Architecture Vision Weekly!
140
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,453
Um...
141
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:38,978
Wow, I've been reading
your magazine
142
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,252
since I was a little kid.
143
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,920
Well, that's a bummer.
144
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,449
Anyway, I'm calling to interview
you about your latest project.
145
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,615
Well, I don't want to say
it's my project.
146
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,564
I mean, I'll be working
with at least three partners.
147
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,719
Oh! Group scene.
Always fun.
148
00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:52,788
Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking
forward to it.
149
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,026
I mean, I know they're gonna
ride me pretty hard
150
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,062
but they're great guys.
151
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,267
Guys?
152
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,338
Whoa, there's a scoop.
153
00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:04,439
That interview went on
for 20 more minutes.
154
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,442
"This project was
so demanding,
155
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,184
"I can't tell you
how many nights
156
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,238
I spent bent
over a table."
157
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,677
(laughter)
158
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,982
Oh, hey, baby,
how'd the interview go?
159
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,024
Um, interesting.
160
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,719
There I am in the office
of Jefferson Coatsworth,
161
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,822
and I figure I'm not gonna
take this job anyway,
162
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,424
I might as well give
this old bastard a
piece of my mind.
163
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:25,127
Jefferson
Coatsworth
164
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,058
wasn't what I expected.
165
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,364
Marshall,
166
00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:29,956
Jeff Coatsworth.
167
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,765
Hello.
168
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,840
Dude, I am so, so psyched
that you're here.
169
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:37,409
Can I beer ya?
170
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,708
Marshall was thrown.
171
00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,239
This guy seemed nice.
172
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,483
Of course, he wasn't.
173
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,209
(reporters clamoring)
174
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,483
Go-go to hell!
175
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,052
I'd do it again!
176
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,309
I'm innocent.
177
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,177
I'm innocent.
178
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,576
Marshall,
179
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,188
why do you want to work
180
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,149
at Nicholson, Hewitt & West?
181
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,587
Right, um,
okay, Jeff,
182
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:57,223
I've actually given
this a lot of thought...
183
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,657
I'm sorry. Stop.
184
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,462
I can't do this
with a straight face.
185
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,928
You don't want
to work here.
186
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,433
You're only here 'cause your dad
went to high school
187
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:05,395
with Joe Hewitt.
188
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,803
Fact is,
189
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,844
you just got a sweet job
at the NRDC.
190
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:10,870
And it's
191
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:11,474
awesome.
192
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,805
Man, I could
193
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,310
have gone the non-profit route.
194
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,741
I didn't.
195
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,246
And it eats me up inside
every day.
196
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:21,248
I hate myself.
197
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:24,521
I hate myself.
198
00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,552
Oh, he's good.
199
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,417
Classic seduction technique.
200
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:29,456
What do you mean?
201
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:31,020
Oh, I use it all the time.
202
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:34,228
First I buy her--
and by her I mean you-- a drink.
203
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:35,531
Now, I'm the guy
who gets her
204
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:36,533
what she wants.
205
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,874
Then I pretend to care
206
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,868
about whatever idiotic thing
she cares about.
207
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,340
For you, that would be
the environment.
208
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,369
Now, I'm the great
209
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,773
guy who shares her interests.
210
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:47,335
And before you know it,
you're naked in my apartment
211
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,984
shouting, "Oh, oh,
Bar-r-r-ne-e-ey!"
212
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,140
And by you,
213
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,378
I mean her.
214
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,622
He is not trying
to seduce me.
215
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,548
He didn't even
offer me the job.
216
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:57,824
That comes later.
217
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,891
At dinner.
218
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,789
He did invite you to dinner,
didn't he?
219
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,462
Let me buy you dinner
220
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,161
tomorrow night
221
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,692
as a thank you, okay?
222
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,557
You'll tell me all
about the NRDC,
223
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,696
and we'll charge it all to
one of my evil clients.
224
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,501
I, you know,
I don't know,
225
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,433
I don't know if...
Marshall,
(clears throat)
226
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,468
you know what
Kobe beef is?
227
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:20,465
The most expensive beef
in the world.
228
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:24,008
The place I'm taking
you has Kobe lobster.
229
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:28,054
That is lobster fed
with Kobe beef.
230
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:32,487
Oh, my God, he's
trying to seduce me.
231
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,350
So are you gonna go
to dinner with him?
232
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,287
No. No way.
233
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,293
I promised myself
to the NRDC.
234
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:39,985
I'm not that kind
of lawyer.
235
00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:40,987
Oh, you should go.
236
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:42,598
I mean, you're not
gonna take the job,
237
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,700
but you might as well
238
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,101
get a great meal
out of the deal.
239
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,072
Don't wait up.
240
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:48,841
Guys, guys, guys,
check this out.
241
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,499
Ted Mosby porn
star's bio
242
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,568
says his hometown
is your hometown.
243
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,606
Shaker Heights, Ohio.
244
00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:54,541
TED:
What?
245
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,505
Okay, this is
getting creepy.
246
00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:57,584
Who, who is this guy?
247
00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:58,651
I gotta find him.
248
00:07:58,679 --> 00:07:59,649
Well, it's your
lucky day.
249
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,750
He's gonna
be signing
250
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,181
autographs tomorrow
night in Manhattan
251
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,275
at something called
the Adult Video Expo.
252
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,347
Mm.
Wait.
253
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:06,685
Are you telling me
254
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,590
that they actually have
conventions for porn?
255
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,722
Affirmative.
256
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,287
Or to put it another way...
257
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,234
God bless America.
258
00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:19,003
You can really taste the beef
in that lobster.
259
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:19,832
Right.
260
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,574
Listen,
261
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,573
I know we're only here
to screw over my client,
262
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,165
who quite frankly deserves it...
263
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,236
(chuckles)
264
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,414
but I gotta be able
to tell the guys upstairs
265
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,042
I gave you the spiel, okay?
266
00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:32,448
So, first up,
267
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,079
starting salary.
268
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,184
Okay.
269
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,875
Here we go.
270
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,887
This is the big number that's
supposed to impress me and--
271
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,250
Wow.
272
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,658
That is a big number.
273
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,731
There's also a signing bonus,
274
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,759
uh, use of a company car,
275
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,325
expense account,
blah blah blah.
276
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:52,502
Hey, by the way, turn around
and wave to Patrick Swayze.
277
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,702
Hey.
278
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,706
I'm going to, uh,
try to remain cool.
279
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:01,039
But you know Patrick Swayze?!
280
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:01,984
He's a client.
281
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,279
Who do you think bought us
this wine.
282
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,280
Crazy Swayze.
283
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,082
Cheers, buddy.
284
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,954
Okay. No.
285
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,722
Jeff, this is all
very impressive,
286
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,291
but I just don't think that...
Listen, I know, I know.
287
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,820
You're not gonna be
tempted by big numbers
and fancy perks.
288
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,027
You're gonna
do the noble thing,
289
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,529
take the low-paying job
at the NRDC,
290
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,101
live off your family money.
291
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,500
Family money?
292
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,631
You do have family money,
don't you?
293
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,537
No, um, not that I know of.
294
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:33,208
I do have an uncle who owns a,
a pretty successful bait shop.
295
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,240
NRDC.
296
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,535
No family money.
297
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,947
Oh.
298
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,950
So you don't plan on
having kids?
299
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,082
Actually, I,
I want to have four kids.
300
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:47,317
Well...
301
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,624
New York public schools make
a lot of parents nervous,
302
00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:54,327
but the kids who walk out,
walk out proud.
303
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,831
It was turning into
a tough decision.
304
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,504
Now, kids, when I'm facing
a tough decision,
305
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,671
I like to get out the old
yellow legal pad and make
306
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:01,971
a list of pros and cons.
307
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,372
Marshall knew all the cons.
308
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,243
But there was one thing
he didn't know.
309
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,072
A big item in
the pros column.
310
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,977
Lily,
you're a kindergarten teacher.
311
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,339
Yeah.
'Cause Robin
312
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:13,047
was about to ask Lily
the one question...
313
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,080
An-And you make a kindergarten
teacher's salary, right?
314
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,116
Yeah.
315
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,850
...that Lily had been dreading
for years.
316
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,416
Well, how do you afford all
of these expensive clothes?
317
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:24,324
I shop the sales.
318
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,157
They were in the closet
when we moved in.
319
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,204
I steal.
320
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,428
I'm a criminal.
321
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,232
LILY:
I once shot a man
just to watch him die.
322
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:34,266
Lily?
323
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,841
Okay.
324
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,869
That's when Lily showed Robin
her box of shame.
325
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:43,038
Lily, this is nuts.
326
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,606
How many credit
cards do you have?
327
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,714
I don't know.
328
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:46,806
Well, how much do you owe?
329
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:49,017
(sobbing):
I don't know!
330
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,448
Wow.
331
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,115
I can't believe this many
people love porn this much,
332
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,955
including that guy who works
in human resources at my firm.
333
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,061
Hi.
334
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,462
Let's just wave at
each other awkwardly.
335
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,064
That'll make
it better.
336
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,767
Dude, come on, let's
just find bizarro me
337
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:06,969
and get out of here.
338
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,070
Oh,
339
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,041
oh, I get it.
340
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,099
Ted Mosby, non-porn star,
341
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,138
thinks this is all
crude and disgusting.
342
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,513
You know who else
was considered
343
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:15,611
crude and disgusting?
344
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:16,642
Shakespeare.
345
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,376
Hmm.
But his themes--
346
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:21,881
love, lust, forbidden
desire-- were universal,
347
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:24,575
which is why his work has
stood the test of time.
348
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:26,347
And so will
all this.
349
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:30,386
400 years from now, some
high school drama class
350
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,263
will be doing a plucky,
spirited production
351
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,003
of Beef Party VII.
352
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:39,129
Oh, my God, Lily,
that is a lot of debt.
353
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:41,466
How did you get yourself
into this situation?
354
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,371
I don't know what it is.
355
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:46,073
When I feel down
about something, I shop.
356
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,084
Ma'am, is everything okay?
Oh,
357
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,609
I just had a huge fight
with my mother.
358
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,354
She doesn't understand me
at all.
359
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,448
I swore
that teaching would be a way
360
00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:59,054
to support my painting career,
361
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:00,986
but I never paint anymore.
362
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:05,489
I just got
a huge credit card bill.
363
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,156
Does Marshall know?
364
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,055
No.
365
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:10,426
But you guys are the couple
366
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,833
who tell each other everything.
367
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:12,895
And for God's sakes, Lily,
368
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:15,203
you text him while
he's on the can.
369
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,935
Well, I just want him
to know I'm rooting for him.
370
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:21,341
Wait, okay, this
all makes sense.
371
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,584
So when you said...
372
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:23,439
But you're still going to go
373
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,976
to your job interview today,
right, baby?
374
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:25,952
ROBIN:
And then...
375
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,109
Oh, you should go.
376
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,617
I mean, you're not going
to take the job,
377
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,948
but you might as well get
a great meal out of the deal.
378
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,194
You were pushing him
379
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:34,489
into taking that high-
paying corporate job.
380
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,921
I know.
381
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,126
It's terrible that I was
trying to get him to do that.
382
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,558
Terrible? He has to take it.
383
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,362
I mean, how else are you going
to pay off all that debt?
384
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:43,455
Lily, you have
385
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:46,166
to tell him about this before
he turns down that job.
386
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,839
You're right.
387
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,468
I feel awful.
388
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,268
You know, there's a sale...
We're not going shopping.
389
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,306
Ooh, there he is.
Come on, let's go.
390
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:05,788
Why do I get so nervous
around celebrities?
391
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,349
Hi, Ted Mosby.
392
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:09,617
I'm Ted Mosby.
393
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,516
Ted Mosby, it's you.
394
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:12,758
Have we met?
395
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,932
Mr. Mosby, it is an
honor to meet you, sir.
396
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:15,932
Starney Binson.
397
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,303
Barney Stinson.
398
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,630
Damn it.
399
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:19,765
We have met.
400
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,199
My real name is Steve Biel.
401
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,974
When I was in fourth grade,
you were in ninth,
402
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,043
and, and one day
I was out behind the school
403
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:26,272
and a bunch
of seventh graders
404
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,176
were just beating
the crap out of me.
405
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,178
Oh, yeah, I remember.
That was you?
406
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,480
Yeah,
but you pulled them off me.
407
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,782
You told them to go pick
on someone their own size.
408
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:35,984
Huh.
409
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:39,546
I vowed right then that
when I made something of myself,
410
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,116
I would honor you somehow.
411
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,694
So you took my name
and starred
412
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:46,193
in Welcome To The Sex Truck?
413
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,256
Yeah.
414
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:51,556
Um, yeah, listen, Ted,
you got to stop using my name.
415
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:54,938
I-I'm trying to make a career
as an architect.
416
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,738
Architect, huh?
417
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,609
You mean like a sex architect?
418
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,839
What?
Yeah, you know, you're
on to something.
419
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,035
That would make a
great title of a film.
420
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:07,507
Ted Mosby,
Sex Architect.
421
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,877
You know, I'm actually looking
for a new project
422
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:12,047
to shoot next Friday afternoon.
423
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,685
Yeah, listen, isn't,
isn't there some other way
424
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:15,861
you could honor me?
425
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,589
With all due respect.
426
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,334
Wait, you're not mad, are you?
427
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,330
Oh, man, I knew it.
428
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,572
My father said,
"Just plant a tree in Israel."
429
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,528
I'm such an idiot.
430
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,666
I guess
431
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,370
I thought you'd be psyched.
432
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,972
I am.
433
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,435
I am;
it's just
434
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,743
I feel a little guilty
because I'm not
435
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,435
the one who saved
you that day.
436
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,577
The guy
who actually saved you was...
437
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:45,423
named... Lance Hardwood.
438
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,923
Lance Hardwood, yeah.
439
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,886
Really?
Mm.
440
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,594
You know,
you might not know this,
441
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,655
but in my business,
that's kind of a killer name.
442
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,969
Yeah, I guess,
I guess it is.
443
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,699
I can see the poster now.
444
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,843
Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect.
445
00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:03,899
Starring...
446
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,467
Ted Mosby.
447
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:06,805
I love it.
448
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,509
(laughs)
449
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,641
TED:
Marshall and Jeff stayed
pretty late at the restaurant.
450
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:11,977
They stayed so late
451
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:12,952
that Marshall crashed
on Jeff's couch,
452
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,380
and the next day,
453
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,324
Marshall took part
in a Sunday morning tradition
454
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:21,189
as old as the city itself:
the Walk of Shame,
455
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,191
the long journey home after
doing something you regret
456
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,693
the night before.
457
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,134
I'll take the job.
458
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,129
That's awesome!
459
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,760
Yeah!
Yeah!
460
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,625
Great time
last night.
461
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,674
I'll call you later.
462
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,570
He's not going
to call you.
463
00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:39,711
Hey.
Hey.
464
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:40,869
Um, did you
get my message?
465
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:43,377
I just, I crashed uptown.
Yeah, yeah.
466
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:47,080
Listen, I have, uh,
something to tell you.
467
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:49,454
Uh, I have something
I need to tell you also.
468
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,682
Mine's pretty huge.
469
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,448
You go first.
470
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,416
Well...
I took
471
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,485
the job.
472
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:57,763
I'm sorry.
473
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:58,760
I'm so sorry.
474
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,161
I was drunk,
475
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:04,103
and it was a haze of cigars
and scotch and Swayze,
476
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,431
and they offered
me, like,
477
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,835
like, like, like,
a lot of money.
478
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,468
Oh, Marshall.
479
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,441
How much money?
480
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,306
Here.
481
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,983
Whee!
482
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,146
Yeah!
483
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:27,949
It's completely despicable.
484
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,417
I know, I know, I sold out
485
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:33,726
for a huge pile
of disgusting money,
486
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:38,630
disgusting money that could
help our future family
487
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,095
have some financial security
488
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,433
and could help pay
for law school.
489
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,798
Law school.
490
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,106
Law school that I went to
to help protect the environment,
491
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:47,409
not help destroy it.
492
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,240
And for what?
493
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:51,175
For, for... a lot of money.
494
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,579
(screaming)
495
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,984
Okay, okay,
you've got to stop screaming.
496
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,217
Listen,
Marshall,
497
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,752
you know what I like to do
in situations like this?
498
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,587
Ted, if you say
make a list of pros and cons,
499
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:04,723
I'm going to smack you.
500
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,957
I wasn't going to say that.
501
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:08,132
Okay, two beers,
502
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,061
and Ted, here's that yellow
legal pad you asked for.
503
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:12,068
Yellow legal pad?
504
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,569
I ordered fries.
505
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,370
Maybe you should use this
to write down people's orders.
506
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:21,608
Guys, I,
I don't know what to do.
507
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:22,511
Take the money.
508
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,582
Money is good,
money is happiness.
509
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:26,952
If I work there,
510
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,519
I'll be representing the most
evil corporations in the world.
511
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:32,119
Kind of sounds
like a pro and con list to me.
512
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,222
Lily, you have
to tell him.
513
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,164
You can help him
make this decision.
514
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,089
Oh, I think he's doing fine
on his own.
515
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,385
(Marshall groaning)
516
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,458
(groaning)
517
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,126
All right.
518
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,900
Marshall,
519
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,466
I have something to say,
520
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,535
and it's going to help
you make your decision.
521
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:58,154
Oh, of course, you know
my heart better than I do.
522
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,078
You know what's best
for me and for us.
523
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:03,283
Please, please
tell me what to do.
524
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:10,664
I think you should take
the job at the NRDC.
525
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,130
Of course I should,
of course I should.
526
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,130
Guys,
527
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,662
I'm going to save
the planet Earth.
528
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,627
I got to go call Jeff.
529
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,569
What is the
matter with you?
530
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,214
I can't ask him
to make himself miserable
531
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,579
because of a mistake I made.
532
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,208
It's my problem;
I'll figure it out.
533
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:33,414
That's really sweet.
534
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,146
Are those new earrings?
535
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:37,382
What are you, my mom?
536
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,847
Jeff, hey, um, it's Marshall.
537
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,487
JEFF (on phone):
Hey, Marshall.
538
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,822
I have something
that I need to tell you.
539
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:46,927
I feel really weird
about doing this over the phone.
540
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:47,859
Then don't.
541
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,359
Before you say
anything,
542
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:54,368
come take a ride
in this awesome limo with me.
543
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,171
Where are we going?
544
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,943
Tuckahoe Funland.
545
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,810
I'm sorry.
546
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,209
It sounded like you said
Tuckahoe Funland,
547
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,782
the magic factory
where dreams are made.
548
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,211
Get in.
549
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,994
Man, I-I love this place.
550
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,320
Me, too, buddy.
551
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:19,026
So what did you
want to tell me?
552
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,288
I can't work for you.
553
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,728
I know, dude.
554
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,602
It's fine.
555
00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:27,301
Marshall Eriksen wants to
preserve the environment,
556
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,544
so that our children
can enjoy it as we have.
557
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,599
I get it.
558
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,408
Good. Thank you.
559
00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:39,251
I look down and see children
enjoying this place.
560
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:41,679
Yeah, because somebody fought
to preserve it.
561
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,654
If they ever shut this place
down, it would be a tragedy.
562
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:48,964
Well, the good news is,
that'll never happen.
563
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,258
You won't let it.
564
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,620
Because when
you work for us,
565
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:56,398
your only client will be
this place--
566
00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:58,669
Tuckahoe Funland.
567
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,341
I'm taking the job.
568
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,400
Hey!
All right.
569
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,567
And the best part is
570
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:06,605
I'm not even going
to be representing
571
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:07,769
some sort of evil corporation.
572
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:11,337
I will be representing
Tuckahoe Funland,
573
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,278
the least evil place
in the world.
574
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,813
Or so Marshall thought.
575
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,487
(all cheering)
Great news,
great news.
576
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,692
Uh-oh.
577
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,828
Oh, I'd better check
on him.
578
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,514
BARNEY:
Got it. Lance Hardwood,
579
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:42,709
Sex Architect
starring Ted Mosby.
580
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,082
Terrific.
581
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:46,050
You'll notice I'm
in the credits.
582
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,718
I did some location scouting.
583
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,417
(music playing)
584
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:59,292
Here are the plans for the new
International Sex Building.
585
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:02,896
Wow, that really looks
like our apartment.
586
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:03,959
It is.
587
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,996
Oh, I should return these.
588
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,472
Oh,
589
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,270
Sex Architect,
you've done it again.
590
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:13,343
Let's go celebrate
on the couch.
591
00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:15,343
(disgusted groans)
37839
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