Original subtitles

Ah, the gauguin. Exquisite.

Do we take this One too, leadside?

Of course. We're taking the Entire burlington collection.

Check.

Leadside, look at this.

Ah yes, my dear.

Ming dynasty.

Wasn't it considerate Of the museum

To store all these priceless Items in the basement for us?

Now handle it carefully.

- where shall I put this? - oh, put it back where you found it.

That is a cuspidor.

That's it, leadside. We have the Entire burlington collection.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, you two go and Finish loading up the truck.

I'll be along in a minute.

Ah. Splendid.

We're still ahead of schedule.

Now I shall spend The rest of my life

Surrounded by a $20-million art collection.

You're going to spend The rest of your life

Surrounded by a $20-million Federal penitentiary, leadside.

Smart! What are you doing here?

I received an anonymous Phone call that tipped...

That tipped me off That you would be...

At a place called yukon lil's

With the heads of all The kaos departments.

That was me who made the Call to throw you off the track.

But yukon lil's is on The other side of town.

Why did you come here?

Because it was obviously Some sort of code.

You see, when I turned The message upside down

"Lil's" became 717s.

so I went to 717 south yukon.

But there is no 717 south yukon!

However, there is A 717 north yukon.

But I knew you couldn't possibly be Meeting with the kaos heads there,

Because that's the y.W.C.A.

At this point I became Terribly confused

So I did what I always do when I become terribly confused.

- and what's that? - I came to the museum to relax.

That's when I saw your truck Pulling around to the back.

Oh, I can't stand any More of this, smart.

I have four times the Intelligence that you have,

Yet time after time now For the last 10 years

You've managed to ruin My most brilliant schemes

- with your cunning stupidity! - thank you, leadside.

You were born under A lucky star, smart,

But this is the last time that you Will ever interfere with me again.

- meaning what? - meaning this:

I'm going to take care Of you once and for all,

Phase one, I shall escape;

Phase two, I shall Destroy control;

And phase three, I shall kill you.

and through it all, you Shall be powerless to stop me.

I wouldn't feel too Confident about that, leadside.

First of all, let's Take phase three.

You'll find that...

It will not be that Easy to kill me.

Then let's take phase two.

Ah.

No one man is strong Enough to destroy control.

As for phase one,

It's virtually impossible To escape from me,

Especially while I'm Covering you with this gun.

Hmm.

One out of three. That's not bad.

To think we almost had leadside

And he slipped through Our fingers again!

I don't understand it, chief!

How could he disappear Right out from under my eyes?

Leadside may be Confined to a wheelchair,

But he's extremely fast. He handles That wheelchair like he would a sports car.

Oh. Well, that must account for the Racing stripe down the back of the chair.

Now that leadside's Completed phase one,

Do you think there's any possibility That he'll complete phase two,

the destruction of control?

Leadside is the most Diabolically clever criminal

We've ever run across.

He's never yet made a threat That he hasn't carried out.

That's right, chief. Like the Time he stole the star of india.

- he stole the star of india? - well, he kidnapped sabu.

We've got to find out how He plans to destroy control!

Wait a minute, chief.

That's it! I've got it!

Why didn't I think of it before?

I just realized how he Plans to destroy control!

Hello, security? This is maxwell smart.

I want a code four alert, An all-out code four.

Now I want every avail... Huh? Maxwell smart.

yes, now I want Every available... Huh?

S-m-a-r-t.

Smart. Yes, now I want Every available man

To be formed into squads of six

And to surround bert's Delicatessen across the street.

Max, what are you doing?

That's how he plans to Destroy control, chief!

You see... Look at this. One bottle of cyanide

In a pound of bert's Potato salad...

- and that is the end of control! - hang up the phone, max.

What's the matter chief?

Leadside would not Use bert's delicatessen

- to wipe out control! - oh, nate and al's?

He wouldn't use any delicatessen! It's not ingenious enough!

Hello, security? Those agents I just Asked to surround bert's delicatessen,

Tell them to pick up Three pastrami sandwiches

And hold the potato salad.

Right, 44.

Chief, unit 44 just arrived at the Intersection of highways 31 and 14.

31 and 14 now Covered by unit 44.

Good, 51. Unit 51 has just Reached the intersection

Of highways 17 and 64.

Highways 17 and 64 Now secured by unit 51.

Max, pinpoint those Positions on the map.

Right, chief. I got 'em. Units 14 and 31

Are securing Highways 34, 62 and 45.

No, max. That's unit 44 at highway 34 and 14,

- unit 51... - now wait a minute, chief.

I distinctly understood That it was units 13, 44 and 51

That were securing Highways 35, 44 and 99.

No, you're getting 99 confused With the highway numbers.

99 has just reported That units 44 and 51

have secured Highways 17, 34, 45 and 66.

Chief, I just got a Report on 11, 35 and 88.

11, 35 and 88. I don't have Those highways on my map.

They aren't highways, chief. They're control agents.

Oh. Well, what about them?

They were staked out On highways 39, 71 and 94.

I got it, chief. Units 31, 44 and 55

Are staked out on Highways 32, 71 and 84.

Good work, max!

Or is it control Agents 35, 36 and 41

Who are staked out on Highways 38, 72 and 54?

Any way you want it, max.

I'll check.

Larabee, did you send Unit 16 south on oakwood

And unit 25 north on oakwood?

- yeah, why? - oakwood's a one-way street!

Larabee, contact unit 22 to Go immediately to oakwood

And intercept units 16 and 25.

Right, chief.

I'm having a Problem here, chief.

I can't find highway 99 anywhere.

Forget it, max. Just Pinpoint oakwood

And move unit 22 Into the center.

Chief, I just heard from unit 22. They can't get through on oakwood.

There's been a terrible Automobile accident there.

is there anybody else You want me to call?

Yes, larabee. Your wife.

Tell her you'll be home early!

Gee, thanks, chief.

Yes? Good, 49!

Well, that's it, chief.

Unit 49 just Reached highway 808.

- got it, chief! - well, it took over four hours,

But we've finally got Washington all sealed off.

Units to the north, South, east and west.

Leadside cannot possibly Get out of the city.

- what unit is that? - huh? Oh, that's not a unit, chief.

- that's just a pin. - well, if it's not a unit,

It's confusing, Max. Take it out.

It may be confusing, chief, But it's very important.

Max, if it's not a unit, it's not Important! Now pull it out!

I told you it was important.

I now have the finest art Collection in washington.

And baltimore. We've Just passed the state line.

At this very moment, control Has a dragnet out for me.

Little do they realize that We're cruising back and forth

Under their very noses.

This moving van makes a Much better headquarters

Than that we were Driving around in before.

Of course. We had To make a change.

You can't hang a collection Like this in a garbage truck.

Listen, leadside, since We've crossed the state line

Why don't we continue North into canada?

I have a reputation To maintain, norman.

When leadside makes a Threat, he carries it out.

Phase two is about To reach fruition.

Don't walk away when you're About to realize a dream.

The thing to Remember, my friends,

Is if you limit your horizons, The world will pass you by.

Thinking big made me the Master criminal that I am today.

Less that four minutes And 30 seconds to go.

Norman, are you sure you carried Out my instructions to the letter?

- I did everything you said. - splendid.

Then phase two is About to be completed...

The destruction of control.

there's just one thing That's disturbing me.

- what is that, leadside? - we are traveling

At approximately 65 miles An hour. Am I correct?

Norman: yes.

And we're all here... You, Norman, kelley and me?

- so what's disturbing? - who's driving the van?

Yes? Nothing?

Well, keep on it.

- nothing new yet. - on what?

- on the dragnet. - that's my favorite show.

I'm not talking about Television, larabee.

I'm talking about Leadside and phase two

And how leadside plans To destroy control.

It's going to take a superhuman Brain to figure this one out, chief.

99, we have a superhuman brain.

All we have to do is Put the question to it.

Fire away, chief. Ask me Any question you want.

Not you. I'm talking about control Superhuman brain a.R.D.V.A.R.C.!

Of course! A.R.D.V.A.R.C.!

The automated reciprocal data Verifier and reaction computer!

That's how we'll find Out what phase two is!

- that's right, chief. - I've already pulled the file on leadside.

Everything we know about Him is punched into these cards.

That's right, chief.

- you want me to go, chief? - that's right, larabee.

With this information, a.R.D.V.A.R.C. Ought to be able to tell us

Just what leadside is planning.

All right, 99. Ask a.R.D.V.A.R.C. The following question:

How does leadside plan To destroy control?

I'll switch on the Audio response.

A.R.D.V.A.R.C.! A.R.D.V.A.R.C.!

No no, a.R.D.V.A.R.C., you Don't seem to understand me.

99, maybe the information Keyboard isn't working properly.

I'll turn on the audio input.

A.R.D.V.A.R.C.! A.R.D.V.A.R.C.!

A.R.D.V.A.R.C., what do you Know about phase two?

A.R.D.V.A.R.C.! A.R.D.V.A.R.C.!

It must be broken, 99. It just Keeps repeating its own name.

We'd better call Computer repair, chief.

The number's in Larabee's office.

a.R.D.V.A.R.C.! A.R.D.V.A.R.C.! A.R.D.V.A.R.C.!

A.R.D.V.A.R.C. Is not broken.

What we have here is a Failure to communicate.

Larabee, there's something Wrong with a.R.D.V.A.R.C.

Chief, the delicatessen was so Crowded that I couldn't get all pastrami,

- but I got chopped liver. - I'm not interested in food right now.

There's something wrong with A.R.D.V.A.R.C. Call computer repair.

So soon? The repairman was Here just a couple of hours ago.

That's strange. The regular Service checks on fridays.

Well, he wasn't a regular serviceman, But his credentials were in order.

- chief, you don't suppose... - you're absolutely right, max!

See that, larabee? I'm absolutely right.

Right... Right... Right About what, chief?

A.R.D.V.A.R.C. Is the Brains of control.

If anything happened to a.R.D.V.A.R.C., Control would be destroyed!

That's it! A.R.D.V.A.R.C. Is phase two.

- that's what he was trying to tell us. - just a moment, gang.

Let's not panic.

The odds against A.R.D.V.A.R.C. Being phase two

Are a million to one.

Of course, let's not Rule out that possibility.

A.R.D.V.A.R.C., are You all right?

I am afraid it is too late.

I am going fast.

Don't try to talk. Save your strength.

We'll have a computer Repairman up here immediately.

I am afraid it is too late.

Isn't there anything We can do, chief?

- I'm afraid not, 99. - is there anyone you'd like us to notify?

Yes.

The cigarette Machine in the hall.

A.R.D.V.A.R.C., who Did this to you?

- lead... Lead... - go on! Go on!

Lead... Leadside!

- it's gone, max. - do you realize what this means?

Leadside's completed Phase one and phase two.

What's to keep him from Completing phase three?

Just me, 99. The only way that Leadside can complete phase three

Is over my dead body!

Max, I'm not going! I'm not gonna Leave you here alone in this apartment.

We've been all Through this before, 99,

And I told you it's too Dangerous for you to stay here.

Max is right, 99.

Leadside completed Phase one and phase two

And the way things are going, He's a cinch to complete phase three.

That's right, he's almost A cinch to complete...

A cinch to complete Phase three?!

Well, max, you don't have Anything to worry about.

I don't? Well, then who does?

I do. If leadside succeeds in Getting in here and killing you,

Do you know how bad I'll look?

Well, at least you'll have Some color in your face.

Max, we've taken Every precaution.

We've even activated Maximum security plan omega.

- plan omega? - and you know

How long it's been since We've used that plan.

That's right, 99. My gosh, We haven't used that plan

Since the day that Omega was murdered!

What does the plan entail, max?

Huh? Oh, yes, the plan.

Well, the whole block Is completely sealed off.

- check. - electronic surveillance on every floor.

- check. - and control agents are staked out

- in that hotel across the street. - down the street.

Huh? Down the street?

Why not across the street?

Because those rooms in That hotel across the street

Rent for $35 a day. Control can't afford that.

But what if plan omega fails and Leadside gets through to the apartment?

Then he'll be in a Lot of trouble, 99.

Because we've had every single Thing in this apartment booby-trapped,

And it's all made Operative by this little pen.

The old paper pal detonator pen.

that's right, you just press The button on the top of that pen

And it activates every Device in this room.

Just be careful to be out of the Line of fire when you press the button.

- right, chief. - well, that's about all. Good luck, max.

- come on, 99. - I hope you'll be all right, max.

- don't worry, 99. - you really have nothing to worry about.

- I know that. - take good care of yourself.

- I will. - and don't worry.

- I won't. - and don't be nervous.

I will. Will you two stop it?

What is the matter with You? I'm not nervous,

I'm not frightened And I'm not worried.

I'm in complete control Of all my faculties,

I know exactly what I'm doing

And exactly where I am going.

Bye, darling. So long, fella.

Hello? Oh, it's you, larabee.

No, the chief isn't here. He left about an hour ago.

No, I don't know When he'll be back.

Huh? A message?

Hold on a minute.

Max!

- max, what is it?! - it's for you.

It's all clear. We can Begin phase three.

Good. We've been in that Closet since early this morning.

Yes, but leadside was right.

We had to get in there first before Control sealed off the building.

- who is it?! - kelley: it's your avalon lady.

Oh, sure it is. That's The worst impression

Of a woman's voice I've Ever heard, leadside!

Oh, sorry about That, avalon lady.

I was expecting a friend.

I'm delivering the Cosmetics your wife ordered.

Bring them in, norman.

Max: that's the second-biggest Cosmetics case I ever saw.

Listen. I'm very busy today.

Couldn't this wait For another time?

I promised your wife I'd bring them today.

I won't be in the area Again for another month.

Well, okay, but Let's make it snappy.

You know what to do, norman.

Max: well, I'll be. A Wheelchair in a cosmetics case.

- now that's re... - stay right where you are, mr. Smart.

Okay, that does it.

Just for that, I'm Canceling my wife's order.

Shut up, smart.

Five seconds, kelley.

Three, two, one.

Leadside, you told Me you couldn't walk.

Oh, I can't walk, but I can run.

- but that's impossible. - no. The injury to my spine

Is a unique one. As long as I'm moving with any velocity

I'm all right, but as Soon as I stand still

Or try to walk, I collapse.

Then you're not always Confined to a wheelchair.

Most of the day I am, but at Night I get out to run my dog.

Well, how did you get through all Those control agents in the building?

Very simple. They were looking For a man in a wheelchair.

and now, smart, phase three.

Not so fast, leadside.

Do you know what's going to Happen when I push this button?

Ink will come out, of course.

Humph.

Exactly.

Eh, look, do you mind if I Get that pen over there on...

Okay.

No tricks, mr. Smart.

We have to get down To the business at hand...

- phase three. - and just how do you propose

To phase three me, leadside?

One shot and all Those control agents

Will come rolling In here like oranges.

Shooting is far too Unimaginative for me.

Norman.

En garde!

So you want a duel, eh?

Well, I don't want to take Advantage of you, leadside.

I wouldn't worry About that, smart.

Norman and I have Never lost yet.

Forward!

Back, norman, back!

Back back back back back

Back back back back!

Forward! Forward! Forward!

Back back back back, norman!

You surprise me, smart! You handle a sword well!

- forward! - you're not bad yourself, leadside.

And you're pretty Good too, norman.

I'm getting tired Of this sport, smart.

I think I'll put an end to it!

99 gave me that button.

Thank you, leadside.

I needed that.

Back, norman! Back, Norman! Back back back!

Back back back back Back back... norman!

My mother gave me norman.

Thanks, smart. I needed that.

Now, smart, to Complete phase three!

Kelley!

Charge!

Oh, it's even more Beautiful than a.R.D.V.A.R.C. I.

That is a compliment. Thank you.

Not only is it More beautiful, 99,

But it does twice the work.

That's where leadside Made his first big mistake.

Like all our enemies, he underestimated Our technological capacity.

And the good old American know-how.

Hello?

Oh, yes, doctor.

I see.

Well, thank you for calling.

That was the hospital.

They just operated on leadside.

- is he out of danger? - yes, he's out of danger,

But it's going to Be a hard road.

- how's that? - he'll never run again.