Original subtitles

Oh, max, I feel terrible Spying on the chief like this.

He's been like a father to us.

I know, 99, but he's been Acting very strange lately,

And we've been ordered To check him out.

This is the worst assignment We've ever been given.

Are you sure you tied That rope good and tight?

Of course I tied it Good and tight, 99.

I put a double half-hitch in it.

That looks like A slip knot to me.

Well, it may look Like a slip knot to you,

But I'm telling you It's a double half-hitch.

- you're absolutely sure? - I'm absolutely positive!

If it were a slip knot, when I pulled The cord it would just go like...

- are you okay, 99? - oh, yeah.

Well, it's a good thing They didn't see us in there.

You know, this is the Third time in two weeks

That the chief's come to This computer dating service.

I can't believe the chief Could get that lonely

That he would come To a machine for a date.

You'd think he'd come to Us first. We're his friends.

As a matter of fact, I Offered to introduce him to

A perfectly lovely Lady his own age.

- who was that? - my mother.

Oh. Well, maybe he Could get that lonely.

I wish there were Some way we could open

The window so we could Hear what's going on.

That won't be necessary, 99.

I have an absolutely Acute sense of hearing.

And although you may not be able To hear what's going on in that room,

I can hear every single word Through this pane of glass.

- max, that's fantastic! - what?

She sounds like a fine woman. When do I meet her, dr. Stanton?

Well, she should be here by now.

Bert, has miss Popanikolini arrived yet?

- just a few moments ago, doctor. - excellent.

Excuse me.

Doesn't the chief realize what A security risk he's running

By meeting a girl this way?

I mean, he has access to The top military secrets.

- she could be a kaos agent. - mmm, she might even try to kill him.

- gina, how nice to see you again. - hello, doctor.

I have someone for you to meet.

Mr. Harold clark, Miss gina popanikolini.

I'm very glad to meet you.

How do you do? Oh, for me?

Mm-hmm.

Lovely. Thank you.

- what do you think, max? - well, if she's gonna kill him,

It certainly is A nice way to go.

It's 10 after 11:00, max.

Before the chief met that girl, he used To be in the office at 7:00 every morning.

Yes, well, that's A break for us, 99.

Gives us a chance to decide Where to put this bugging device.

Well, what are you Doing by the bookcase?

Every time the chief comes In, he goes right for his desk.

Why don't we try to hide It someplace on the desk?

Mmm, you're right, 99.

- here, I'll put it under the phone. - oh, good.

Morning, 99. Morning, max.

Morning, chief.

Did you want to see Me about something?

Uh, yes, chief, as A matter of fact,

There was something that We wanted to talk to you about.

Max, why are you bringing That phone over to me?

Huh? Oh. The phone, yes.

Well, I thought, chief, that while we were Talking, maybe a call might come for you.

Well, if a call does come For me while we're talking,

Then I'll go over to The desk and answer it.

Well, I thought I might Save you the walk.

What is it you wanted To talk to me about?

Uh, well, chief... Hold it, max.

Go ahead, max.

You see, chief, we figured That you're probably

One of the most important Men in our government.

Thank you, max. That's a compliment.

We also feel that you know

As much about what's going on in This country as the vice-president.

That's not a compliment. Max, why do you

Keep pushing that Phone in front of my face?

- what phone? - that phone.

Ooh, that phone. Yes, well, I, uh...

It's no good, max. I Can't go through with it.

Neither can I, 99.

Chief, we cannot tell a lie. We Put a bugging device on this phone.

Now, why on earth would You do a thing like that?

We hate to tell you this, chief, but We've been tailing you for the past week.

- why? - well, chief, we didn't want to do it,

But that's the Assignment they gave us.

- who gave you that assignment? - the guy who's over you.

Well, if he's over me, why Are you pointing down?

Because his office Is downstairs.

Chief, you've become a Terrible security risk.

I mean, running around with a young Girl you don't know anything about

Has jeopardized your Position as head of control.

- how much do you know about her? - well, we know this much...

You've been with her constantly Since the first day you met her,

and we've followed you while You went dining, dancing and sailing.

And last night I Happened to be there

When you were having dinner With her at la petit tableau.

That's impossible. La petit Tableau is a very small restaurant.

- I would've seen you. - oh, really? Did you happen

To notice your waiter?

Yes, he spilled soup all...

You were the waiter.

- you're a lousy waiter. - yeah, well, you're a lousy tipper.

Oh, chief,

Don't you understand What's happening to you?

You've reached that age where a Man begins to worry about his virility,

So you want to prove you Still have it by having a fling

With some young, beautiful girl.

Did it every occur to you That I'm not just having a fling,

That I'm lonely and Would like to settle down?

Well, don't you think you ought to pick Someone a little close to your own age?

- someone bright and cheery... - like 99's mother.

- I want companionship. - 99's mother can give you companionship.

I want someone to darn My socks and cook my food.

Well, 99's mother can darn Your socks and cook your food.

I'd like to have children.

Uh, 99, what kind of Shape is the old girl in?

Well, maybe you're right. I'm...

I am old enough to be her father, and I guess it wouldn't be very fair to her.

All right, I'll give her up.

I'll phone her and Tell her it's all over.

- what's wrong? - we've been discovered.

- kaos? - no, two of my own agents.

- well, how much do they know? - nothing.

They think I'm having a fling with a Young girl, and they're worried about me.

Well, it would seem That our meeting like this

Under the guise of a romance Has worked rather well.

Not well enough, I'm afraid. They've

Demanded that I stop Seeing you immediately.

Well, you can't. We're So close to completion.

My husband has worked A lifetime on this formula.

I cannot fail him.

How much more of your Husband's formula must I absorb?

Let me see. Uh,

I've been feeding you at The rate of 30 pages a day.

We could finish By tomorrow night.

I'm afraid I can't stall them that Long. Could we finish tonight?

If you think you can Memorize that many pages.

I'll have to. We'll work now,

And then I'll go back to the Office and transfer it to microtape.

- then I'll meet you later tonight. - excellent.

- are you ready? - yes.

We selected a male Rabbit dying of old age.

We injected him with a Solution of hydrochloric

Plus h2101.

We then placed him in a cage

With 12 young female rabbits.

In six hours, increase In energy was so great

He was chasing the Rabbits all over the cage.

Did you get that?

- yes, hydrochloric plus h2101. Go ahead. - right.

Increase in appetite Was checked out next.

We placed the old rabbit In a cage with a carrot.

For two days the Carrot remained uneaten,

A strong indication of A flaw in the formula.

One night I was working Late in the laboratory.

I looked up and Discovered the reason.

There in the cage was the Old rabbit kissing the carrot.

We lessened the Potency two grams

To c2f04.

- did you get that? - yes, lessened the potency two grams

To c2f04.

Go ahead.

Well, the next...

- I'm sorry. - it's all right.

- shall I continue. - yes... No!

That woman is one of the control Agents I was talking you about.

You go back to your hotel. I'll meet you later tonight.

Where?

Well, they're having a Peace demonstration

At the army induction Center tonight at 8:30.

I'll meet you there, and while we're Pretending to shout obscenities

At the police, you'll be giving Me the rest of the formula.

Well well, if it isn't Mrs. Maxwell smart.

Do you mind if I take A peek at the baby?

Oh, isn't he cute? And japanese too.

All right, chief. So you spotted me.

But you must admit you Were with that girl again

After you promised you'd Never see her anymore.

I was saying goodbye to her, 99.

I felt I owed her more than Just to do it over the telephone.

- is that the truth? - the honest-to-goodness truth.

Good. Then you can come tonight To our apartment for dinner.

- I'll be there. - so will my mother.

wunderbar! ooh, that Gives me another monopoly.

Uh, moscow, east Berlin, und pittsburgh.

Now I want to build a New missile base on each.

Enough. I can't concentrate.

My mind is on dr. Popanikolini.

He left athens over a week ago.

I was sure he was coming here To give control his formula.

Why hasn't he shown up yet?

I don't know, but I do know he Hasn't contacted control yet.

Walheim has had the chief Under constant surveillance,

And he reports he Has met with no one.

No one except that beautiful young Thing he's been running around with.

Stroheim speaking. Yes, I'll take the call.

It's our man in athens.

go ahead, please.

No wonder. Well, things Begin to make more sense now.

Well done.

Dr. Popanikolini Never left greece.

They have him hidden in a Sanitarium outside the city.

Then somebody else is bringing The formula to control, but who?

In the 10 days

The doctor's been In the sanitarium,

His wife has not Visited him once.

Interesting, no?

Of course! His wife!

Who else would he Trust with the formula?

Inform walheim he's to notify us

The second the doctor's wife Attempts to contact the chief.

Then we will abduct her and bring her Here and torture the formula out of her.

- exactly. - but how will walheim know her?

We don't know What she looks like.

The doctor is 62 years old.

I would say it's safe to assume

His wife is in her late 50s.

Mother!

So she said, "Why not?"

Well, how is the greeting card Business coming along these days?

The greeting card Business? Oh, fine. Just fine.

Well, let me tell you You're a lucky man

To have a salesman like my Son-in-law working for you.

It was a wonderful Dinner, 99. Just wonderful.

Oh, I'm so glad you liked it, chief. My mother gave me the recipe.

99's mother is an Excellent cook, chief.

Oh, I wouldn't say "Excellent." "Superb," maybe.

- mother just loves to cook. - yes, I do love to cook,

But unfortunately I have No one to cook for anymore

Since my husband... Since he...

- since he... - died?

Well, why don't you two get Acquainted, and we'll do the dishes?

Oh, that's a great idea, 99. Chief and I Haven't had a good talk for a long time.

I meant the chief and mom, Max. You and I can do the dishes.

Oh.

Well, 99, why don't I give You a hand with the dishes?

No no. No no no, chief.

Why don't you just relax And stay here with mom,

And you two can get Better acquainted?

Well, this is just Like being at home.

I have these neighbors, Hazel and lester, you know,

And they come to my house for Dinner and I go to their house for dinner,

And it's just so nice because it just Kind of fills in those empty spaces

now that my little girl has Married and left home, and...

Well, what do you think, max?

Oh, well, the lamb Was a little spicy,

But the brussels sprouts Were absolutely perfect.

No, max. I mean, how do you think Mom and the chief are getting along?

Oh. Well, it's a little Too early to tell, 99.

- why? - yes, well, you see,

Your mother is at A big disadvantage.

- what's that? - well, she's not exactly a pretty woman,

And she's a little on The heavy side, and, uh,

She doesn't have the Greatest figure in the world.

To get right down to it, 99, she's Short, fat, and wheezes a lot.

Are you trying to tell me That my mother's unattractive?

Now where in the world would You get an idea like that, 99?

Of course not. I love your Mother. I think she's a great woman.

I think she's terrific. It's just that I Don't want you to get your hopes up.

- well, why not? - well, because

After the chief has been going out with A big, voluptuous, beautiful greek girl,

I mean, your mother Is a little bit of a...

- uh, she's like a... - a let-down?

So I said to hazel, "If you feel That you need a bigger house,

There's no reason You shouldn't have it.

after all, lester's doing Very well these days,

and there's no reason why you Shouldn't have the things you want.

You've been a wonderful wife, You've been a marvelous mother,

You've made him very Happy all these years,

And there's no reason why You shouldn't keep on making..."

Are you gonna Have another drink?

- it's only my fifth. - don't you mean your sixth?

Do you usually drink this much?

I don't drink at all.

- I'm not boring you, am I? - no.

No, you go right ahead. I have An appointment in a little while.

You go on. You were Talking about alma and archie.

You have had a lot to Drink. It's hazel and lester.

I'm perfectly sober. It was alma and archie.

Hazel and lester.

Alma and archie.

- hazel and lester. - alma and...

Max, come.

Sounds to me like they're getting To know each other pretty fast.

I take back what I said about Your mother, 99. She's a tiger!

Chief! What happened? Are you all right?

- where's my mother? - I was hit by a blackjack.

Your mother hit him over The head with a blackjack?

Max! My mother wouldn't Do a thing like that.

Her mother wouldn't do a thing like That. Are you sure it wasn't a gun butt?

Kaos probably thinks

That your mother has the Formula, and they've kidnapped her!

what formula?

Well, I couldn't tell You this before, but, well,

That girl that I've been Seeing is actually the wife

Of the famous greek Scientist, dr. Aris popanikolini.

Chief, don't tell me you've been Going out with a married woman!

Max, the romance was only a Cover to throw kaos off the track.

each time we were Together, she was actually

dictating her Husband's formula to me.

Oh, really? What Formula is that?

The most important Discovery ever made by man.

But we don't have time To discuss that right now.

kaos will probably torture your mother When they find out they've made a mistake.

- they might kill her. - max, my mother!

Don't worry, 99. I'll get Your mother out of this.

I'll come with you.

They've probably taken Her to kaos headquarters.

You two get started, and I'll Order an all-out control raid.

aren't you coming with us?

I have to get the rest Of the formula from gina.

You two go ahead, and I'll Be there as soon as I can.

Hurry, max!

Control, this is the chief.

I want to order a blue Emergency alert immediately.

Oh! Hurry, max!

- 99, they've locked us in! - oh, max, do something!

Stand back, 99.

- oh! - it's no good, 99.

Somebody must've put Something up against the door.

Max, your foot!

- all right, we are here. - now let me in on the gag.

Is this a surprise Party or something?

We had you blindfolded so you would Not see where you were being taken.

Oh, I wouldn't have known Anyway. I'm a stranger in town.

Oh, what a lovely Place you have here.

Madam,

You don't seem to realize it, But you have been kidnapped.

Me, kidnapped? Now I know you Have me mixed up with somebody else.

- I haven't got any money. - we want the formula.

What formula?

The formula given to you By your husband in greece.

Greece?

Oh, now I know who you have me Mixed up with... Jacqueline kennedy.

You know, you're not the first.

Well, now that we Know it's all a big mistake,

If you'll just call me A cab, I'll be on my way.

Sit... Down.

We want the formula.

Look, it's a long time since my daughter Was a baby. Who remembers the formula?

Is she putting us on?

Madam, you obviously don't realize The serious predicament you are in.

We belong to kaos.

Really? My husband was a mason.

Madam, in our business we think nothing Of murdering, killing and slaughtering.

Oh, how did you get Started in a life like that?

I'll bet you stole a car.

Put her on the rack.

- is that a real gun? - of course it's a real gun.

Well, you shouldn't Point that at somebody.

Don't you know if might Go off by accident?

If this gun goes off, it won't be By accident. Now come to the rack.

- now get on it. - it's dirty.

- get on it! - this is my new dress.

Get on the rack.

Isn't that cute, The way he did that?

What are you Doing, you silly man?

For heaven's sake.

Oh, wow, is this gonna Be like... My goodness.

Now for the last time, Do we get the formula?

I'll tell you what You're gonna get...

A smack in the face and a Lawsuit is what you're gonna get.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

- that's enough. - oh, that felt good!

That loosened me up all over. Have you got a steam room?

My dear lady, if You do not tell us

What we wish to know, I will Have you torn apart limb from limb

Until you scream your Head off for mercy.

I'll bet you're a gemini.

Look, gentlemen, I don't know What it is you're looking for,

But I think it's only fair to Tell you that my son-in-law

Is a very important man With a greeting card company,

And he can get you In a lot of trouble.

His name is maxwell smart, And if you think that...

Maxwell smart is Your son-in-law?

You've heard of him, huh?

And you are not the Wife of dr. Popanikolini?

No, but if he isn't Married, I'd like to meet him.

What do you think?

I think we've made A terrible mistake.

That young girl the chief Has been seeing so often...

she must be the Wife of the doctor.

Man: right under our noses She's been feeding him the formula.

Stroheim: yes, and we must stop Her before she can complete it.

What about smart's Mother-in-law?

Get rid of her.

All right, hold it.

Son, we were just Talking about you.

- mother, are you all right? - oh, I never felt better.

As soon as I get home, I'm Gonna order one of these tables.

All right, put up your hands And turn around slowly.

Come on, turn around!

Now throw that gun over here.

Why are those men Fighting with max?

Oh, uh, they're from a rival Greeting card company.

I had no idea the competition was so Fierce in the greeting card company.

Well...

Don't get overheated, son.

Hold it!

All right, hold it! Get up!

Good work, larabee.

All right, let's get 'em Out of here, henderson.

- come on, 99, let's get out of here. - right, max.

Max, my mother.

Oh, sorry. Good night, mom.

- max! - huh?

Aren't you gonna unchain her?

- max! - I'm thinking.

Uh, yes. Okay.

Son, I'm not one to Pry, but don't you think

You could find something a little Safer than the greeting card business?

You mean that the computer dating Service was in on this too, chief?

That's right, max. It Was all part of the plan.

Dr. Popanikolini was working On a formula for eternal youth.

Eternal youth?

Well, no wonder they Wanted the formula.

They'd have given it to their Oldest and most experienced agents

And made them young again.

We should have known you Were on an assignment, chief.

You're too intelligent To go out with a girl

That's young enough To be your daughter.

Well, actually, gina is Somewhat older than she looks.

- she is? - gina popanikolini is 67 years old.

You ought to be Ashamed of yourself,

Going out with an Old bag like that!