Original subtitles

- max... - shhh.

Be very quiet, 99.

Don't slam the door.

- what'd you say? - nothing.

Max, did this man, becker, tell you Exactly where he was going to meet us?

No, all he said on the phone

Was to meet him backstage at Midnight and he'd be waiting for us.

Look, max, there's a light Coming from the stage.

Come on.

I don't see him, max.

He must be around Here someplace, 99.

I'll cover the stage, You cover backstage.

- right. - now if anything happens,

We'll give the Long whistle signal.

Max, I'm scared. Be careful.

You too, 99.

Oh, max, you scared Me half to death.

Any sign of becker, 99?

He's not backstage, max.

I don't understand it. When He called me on the phone,

He said that it was absolutely Urgent that we meet him here.

He said the future of the United states depended upon it.

Did he say anything else?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact,

- he did mention something else. - what was it?

Well, I can't remember.

Oh, wait a minute, Wait a minute.

I know what he said.

He said...

He said that his Life was in danger.

- is that him, max? - I don't know.

Are you harlow becker?

He called us all the way Down here just to tell us that?

It took us two years to discover

And destroy kaos's Communication system,

And they turn around and Come up with a new setup

That'll probably take us Another two years to break.

Of course, and the information

That becker was going to Give us... That was the key!

- that's right. - how was kaos communicating

With their agents before, chief?

Through a very ingenious Method. I'll show you.

Now look, max. This looks like...

Ordinary confetti, right?

Do you know what it really is?

Sure, it's a cat box.

No, max, it's kaos confetti.

This is how they Contacted their agents.

- I don't understand. - whenever kaos wanted

To contact their agents in a Different city, they'd hold a parade.

The agents would pick up The confetti from the street

And the color of the confetti Determined their instructions.

How?

Green confetti Meant that they were

Supposed to go ahead With the proposed plan.

Red confetti meant "Stop instantly."

That's fantastic, chief. How Did you ever find that out?

They also used white confetti.

That meant "Danger, leave The country immediately."

Fortunately for us, during Their last parade it snowed.

- they all left the country? - no, they all went to miami.

Well, how did becker Fit in to all this?

It's my hunch that kaos Hit upon a new method

Of contacting their agents

And becker stumbled On it accidentally.

He was about to give that Information to you and 99.

Of course, and Kaos got to him first.

Oh, I'll get it, chief.

Who was harlow becker?

All we know is that he was An actor with a theater group

Run by a man named victor polo.

Max, have you and 99 had Any acting experience?

No, but I have a cousin Who's on television a lot.

- an actor? - great actor. Sells used cars.

Harlow becker's wife was Also with the theater group.

Of course, after the Tragedy happened, she...

- she changed agents. - no, she left the play.

Now you and 99 are Going to replace them.

Don't worry, they're Only minor parts.

With a little professional help,

You should be Able to carry it off.

I've arranged with the Country's foremost drama coach

To give you a crash Course in acting.

- what's his name? - emilio pedechefsky.

And so I say, my fair Melissa, I retreat...

From the arms that repelled me,

The eyes that scorned me.

And the heart... That never held me.

And in parting, remember me

Not as the fool who Desired to love thee,

But as the lover... Who failed thee.

You didn't like it?

Oh, it was beautiful. Wasn't it beautiful, max?

Oh, I thought it was Superb, absolutely superb.

Is that from a play?

No, it's from the verse of "Do You know the way to san jose?"

Of course, I don't expect The two of you to be so...

Brilliant so soon.

But if only a mere Portion of the pedechefsky

Method of acting Rubs off on you,

You'll be very well-prepared For your mission,

Mr. Smart.

Now would you like to...

Recite something for me?

Me?

Okay.

I love it, I love it! Continue!

Why are you singing, mr. Smart?

Oh, well, you told Me to continue.

The other part Was only the verse.

Now the polo theater group

Opens its season tomorrow night

With a new play entitled

"The horrors of hemlock house."

You will be reading for The roles of lady fanny

And mannering the butler.

Turn to page 90 and we'll start.

I wish I could do Something with my hair.

Mr. Smart, don't you think It would be a good idea

If we let mrs. Smart Play lady fanny,

You play the butler?

I wish I could do Something with my hair.

I beg your pardon. Smiles and bows.

No no no. "Smiles and bows" Are merely stage directions.

You say "I beg your pardon."

Then you smile and bow.

Gotcha.

I wish I could do Something with my hair.

I beg your pardon!

No no no, mr. Smart. You said that As if she insulted you or something.

Now look, you are a Butler... her butler.

You walk into the room

As she makes a casual Remark about her hair.

And you beg her Pardon for intruding.

Where does it say That in the script?

It doesn't say That in the script,

But the moment calls for it. It's-it's the mood, the attitude.

- the motivation. - is that important?

It's extremely important. Without the right Motivation, you can't possibly intrude.

Then it ought to Say that in the script.

Take it from the Top of the page!

Oh, I wish I could do Something with my hair.

- now? - whenever ya like.

I beg your pardon.

Lady fanny, I have been in Your employ for 10 years.

Tonight I am giving notice.

But why, mannering?

Because, dear lady,

I saw you shoot a gun at his Lordship, your late husband,

Right after you played A game of "Go fish."

And I heard him explain before He fell, "You shot me fanny."

No! No! No!

"You shot me fanny," Sounds like you're a cockney.

Her name is fanny!

"You shot me," pause, "Fanny."

Now don't say the word pause. I'm only telling you to pause.

"You shot me, fanny."

"You shot me... Fanny."

Better. Much better.

Now at this point in the play,

Lady fanny, fearing that You will go to the police,

Pulls out a gun and shoots you.

- do I die on stage? - oh, I'm sure you will.

I promised your chief that I would Personally contact victor polo

And recommend that he hire you.

- where's the phone? - it's right over there.

If you thought I did a good Acting job for you earlier,

Wait till you see this.

victor polo?

This is emilio pedechefsky.

Oh, you're much too kind.

I understand that Your new production

Opens tomorrow night

And that two minor Roles are still open?

Good. I believe I can do You an enormous favor.

Two of my students, Infinitely talented,

Are available.

Tomorrow at 1:00? They'll be there.

No no, don't bother to thank me.

Did you get the actors yet?

Emilio pedechefsky just called.

He's sending over two actors

To play lady fanny And the butler.

So our casting problems Are solved. Splendid.

Which part in the script Contains the information

To be given to the kaos agents Out front tomorrow night?

The butler.

We've gotta get started With this run-through.

What's keeping those Two new actors?

buongiorno, signores!

saludos, amigos!

achtung, mein komerads.

You're the two actors Pedechefsky recommended?

Yes, are you victor polo?

Yes, this is the author of "The horror of hemlock house,"

- carl shirtsinger. - how do you do?

I'm viola vain,

And of course you Recognize mr. Hollywood.

Mr. Who?

Lawrence hollywood.

You're probably more Familiar with my father,

Who was one of the Greatest actors the world...

The world... has ever known.

I don't think so. What was his name?

- huh? - what was his name?

Jason hollywood.

Shirtsinger: never heard of him.

Oh. You probably Remember my mother.

What was her name?

Leonora vine.

I'm sure you're more familiar With the work they did as a team.

I'm sorry, we've never Heard of either one of them.

You've never heard Of hollywood and vine?

If you're ready, we'd like To run through your scene.

charlie,

Be sure the prop gun for miss Vain is in the end-table drawer.

All right, clear the Stage, everybody.

Let's have some quiet.

Anytime you're ready, miss vain.

Oh, I wish there was something I could do with my hair.

I wish I could do Something with my hair.

Oh, I do wonder what's Become of mannering.

I beg your pardon?

Mr. Hollywood, you'll Be dressed as a butler.

Therefore you won't Be wearing a coat.

Why don't you throw it Into the wings for now?

Right.

Mr. Hollywood, If you don't mind...

let's take it again From the top.

Oh, I wish there was something I could do about my hair.

I beg your pardon?

It's your line.

What is it?

Lady fanny, I've Been in your employ...

Lady fanny, I've been in your Employ for over 10 years,

But tonight I must Give you my notice.

And why is that, mannering?

Because, dear lady, I saw you...

I saw you shoot a Gun at his lordship,

Just after you finished Playing a game of "Go fish."

And I heard him Exclaim just as he fell,

"You shot me, fanny."

Oh, I am terribly sorry That you heard that,

Because now I Must shoot you too.

Mr. Hollywood, what in The world are you doing?

- I'm dying. - could you die a little quicker?

We'd like to break for lunch.

Dear lady, I heard a shot.

- good grief! - yes, I had to kill him.

He overheard me Kill his lordship

And I was afraid he Would find out about us.

I'll hide him behind the couch.

Tonight, we'll put him in the car And I'll shove him over the cliff.

Oh, good.

And now there's nothing To stand between us

And happiness.

All right, well done, everyone.

Mr. Hollywood, could we Have a private word with you?

I left out the pirouette- Off-the-mantelpiece bit.

I thought it busied Things up a little.

How could you take it out?

It wasn't in the script In the first place!

Those physical embellishments,

They really get in The way of the lines.

Mannering is a butler.

He's not burt lancaster.

Now just do it as Written, please!

What do you think, max?

I think that victor polo And carl shirtsinger

Have just made Their first mistake.

What was that?

They took out that great Stuff I added to the scene.

Max, I meant about The assignment.

Have you noticed Anything suspicious?

Nothing yet, but as soon As they break for lunch,

We're gonna search The dressing rooms.

Now you search the Men's dressing rooms,

And I'll search the Women's dressing rooms.

Don't you think it would be better if I Searched the women's dressing rooms

And you searched the men's Dressing rooms? It'd be less suspicious.

Yes, but not as much fun.

What was that?

Someone on the Backstage extension.

Hello, chief? Max.

- what do you have to report? - chief, to tell you the truth,

I have a feeling this play Should have opened in new haven.

Max, I'm not concerned About the play.

What control needs to know

is how kaos is Transmitting information

through their agents In polo's theater group.

Just keep your eyes open, max.

Unless I'm wrong, sometime During tonight's performance

Secret information Will be transmitted

To certain kaos Agents in the audience.

- right, chief. Are you gonna be there? - of course.

Oh good. Where will you Be sitting? I'll wave to you.

Max, I don't know where I'll Be sitting, but I'll be out there.

Look for me in the third act.

That's where I do my Big scene. I get killed.

I'll be looking forward to it.

Chief, 99 and I are Leaving the theater now.

So lawrence hollywood Is a control agent.

We knew he wasn't an actor.

The irony of this Is exhilarating.

Whoever would have thought We'd run into a situation like this?

A control agent Will be delivering

Kaos information tonight.

You mean we're still Going through with it?

Of course! The setup's ideal.

Now let's insert the code Into the butler's speech.

"10 years" becomes "Eight."

"Tonight I'm giving notice"

We change to "Tomorrow night."

And "Go fish" Becomes "Post office."

Brilliant.

And immediately after The show, we kill him.

Correction... We kill Him during the show.

You were absolutely brilliant this Afternoon at the inquest, my dear.

Then you don't think They suspected me?

You heard the verdict... Accidental death.

The gun went off when His lordship was cleaning it.

Oh! How long will it be

Before we can Announce our betrothal?

- mr. Hollywood. - huh?

There are a few last-minute changes Shirtsinger's made in your speech.

Yes... now?

I'm on in a minute!

The changes are very minor.

You'll be able to Memorize them in a second.

Shirtsinger is Pretty picky, isn't he?

I don't see where these few changes Improve the play or the character any.

In the theater, the Author has the last word.

Your cue's coming up.

Remember, say the new lines.

Oh, I wish I could do Something with my hair.

I beg your pardon.

Lady fanny, I've Been in your employ

For over eight years now.

Yes, but tomorrow Night I must give my notice.

why is that, mannering?

Have you discovered anything?

- yes. - what?

Smart is the worst actor I have ever seen in my life.

I know that. But have you recognized An kaos agents in the audience?

- one. - I've spotted several.

Alert our agents in the Lobby to cover every exit.

Right, chief.

I heard him exclaim, "You shot me, fanny!"

I'm terribly sorry that You overheard that.

Here it comes.

I must shoot you too!

- she missed him! - they must be onto us.

He's got to be silenced!

Max, there are real Bullets in this gun!

- you're telling me? - what are we gonna do?

We've gotta get off this stage.

I heard a shot!

But I see you missed Him, lady fanny.

But I shall not miss.

Hold it!

You hold it!

No, you hold it.

You're under arrest. Henderson?

Get the curtain down!

The curtain! Get it down!

Get his gun, max.

You got here Just in time, chief.

Chief, I think I know How these two guys

Were passing kaos Information to their agents.

Just before I went on, they Changed certain words in my speech.

That's exactly How they did it, max.

- go on, chief. - on opening night in each city

Kaos agents were In the audience.

Shirtsinger would then Substitute certain words

In one of the actor's speeches.

Those words were code Words known only to kaos.

- how clever! - thank you.

Then you mean there were kaos Agents in the audience tonight.

Yes, but we got them. We Made six arrests in the lobby.

Six kaos agents?

Five were kaos agents, The sixth was a drama critic.

Lock him up anyway, until We see the morning papers.

Henderson, take 'em Down to headquarters.

Chief, I think we've Got a hit on our hands.