Original subtitles

Chief: good afternoon, 86.

Dr. Albert hellman, america's Most brilliant gerontologist,

Bacteriologist and Orthodontist has been murdered.

Dr. Hellman has just recently Concluded 40 years' work

On the theory of hellmanivity.

That theory is Now believed to be

In the possession of kaos's Top agent, the leader.

Control has never Been able to learn the identity

Of this cunning And ruthless agent.

But we do know that he has plans

To get the theory out of the Country sometime tomorrow night.

That doesn't give us much time.

That doesn't give us much time.

Should he succeed in Delivering dr. Hellman's theory

to kaos headquarters in europe,

the human race will be faced With extinction through hellmanitis.

- what is that? - I don't have to tell you what that is.

Your assignment is to discover The identity of the leader,

And recover the hellman theory.

Should you decide to Accept this assignment,

This department will disavow Any knowledge of your actions.

Should you decide not To accept it, you're fired.

Good luck. As usual, This tape will self-destruct

In exactly five seconds.

Maybe six.

Good afternoon, 86.

Dr. Albert hellman, america's Most brilliant gerontologist,

Bacteriologist and Orthodontist has been murdered.

Dr. Hellman has just recently Concluded 40 years' work

On the theory of hellmanivity.

That theory is now believed

To be in the possession Of kaos's top agent...

Good afternoon, 86.

Dr. Albert hellman, america's Most brilliant gerontologist,

Bacteriologist and Orthodontist has been...

Good afternoon, 86.

Dr. Albert hellman, America's most brilliant...

Good afternoon, 86.

Dr. Albert hellman, america's Most brilliant gerontologist...

Who's there?

it's me 99. Let me in.

I'm sorry, 99, but I can't let you in

Until you prove to Me that it is really you.

come on, max, it's really me.

Sorry, 99, but you know the New control protective code.

I cannot open that door

Unless I am absolutely Sure that it is really you.

Oh, it's you. Come on in.

oh, I see you've picked the Agents for the new assignment.

Hey, how come my photograph's Not in the accepted file?

Oh, yes... Well, you See, 99, I decided...

You're not taking me on This assignment, are you, max?

- uh... No, I'm not. - you can't leave me out of this one, max.

This is the most important case That's ever been given to control.

This could mean The end of the world.

That's exactly why I'm not Letting you go on this mission.

If it's gonna mean The end of the world,

I wanna make sure That you're all right.

That doesn't make Any sense, max!

99, this is a very Dangerous assignment!

Every assignment is dangerous.

You don't understand, 99. You're a girl!

Why do you want to go out All the time, getting shot at?

I mean, what kind of a Life is that for a nice girl?

You'll wanna get married Someday, settle down, have a family.

After all, 99, you're a Very attractive person.

Are you trying to Tell me something, max?

- yes. - what?

- you can go on the mission. - oh.

I'd better call the chief and Let him know about it right away.

- I'll get him for you. - no, 99,

This is top security. I'll use my garter phone.

why are you wearing two garters?

How do you like that? They Tapped my garter phone!

I'll use the jacket phone.

Hello, control? This is maxwell smart.

Put me through to the chief.

Max, that's terrific!

I'd love to have one of These for my apartment.

Make sure you have it custom-made. Don't get one off the rack.

Max, this is the chief.

- hello, chief, this is max. - what's up, max?

Chief, I've picked the Agents for my mission.

- I'm going to use... - hold it, max.

We've discovered a security Leak here at headquarters.

Do not divulge any Information on the phone.

Look, chief, we've got 24 Hours to find the leader

And recover the Hellman theory...

I have to hang up.

- my other jacket's ringing. - where can we talk?

The safest place would Be in a jet at 30,000 feet.

Max: how come we're the Only ones aboard, chief?

security... I'll fill you in as Soon as we're safe at 30,000 feet.

Pilot: chief, we're now Flying at 30,000 feet.

good. now, max, listen carefully.

we just received a call from An informer who told us...

- that's incredible, chief! - take it down.

chief, there's one thing I forgot to mention.

- what's that? - it's top secret.

take it up.

Pilot: chief, we're at 30,000 feet... Again.

- go ahead, max. - well, you see, chief...

- any more questions? - no, chief.

take it down.

as soon as we land, Max, there'll be a car

waiting for you to take you to the Record shop for your rendezvous.

- right. - now are you sure you remember everything?

I remember every single thing...

- good. - except the address.

Maxwell smart?

Yes, and this is agent 99.

- crazy. - thank you.

- have you got the information? - yes.

But first, let's Put this record on

And play it nice and loud

- so no one will hear us. - good idea.

The leader has the theory.

- what?! - the leader has the theory

And he's getting it to Kaos tomorrow night!

We know that, but how Is he getting it to them?

What?!

How is the leader Getting the theory to kaos?

By telstar tomorrow night

Between 9:00 and 10:00 on a big tv show

Relayed to europe!

Listen, I've got a good idea:

We don't we leave the record Off and just talk softly?

- crazy. - good.

- now what's the rest of it? - that's it.

That's it?! What about the Leader, who's the leader?

Oh, for that, I'd better Put the record on.

Ow! Man, that's sharp!

Who is the leader?

- max! The needle! - of course!

The old poison-needle- In-the-phonograph trick!

Max, look, that man!

- you stay here, 99. I'll get him. - right.

Chief: as soon as we're Up, I want a full report

on everything that Happened at the record shop.

right, chief, and I'll tell you About the killer that got away.

not here, max! Don't talk Until we're at 30,000 feet!

Pilot: chief, we're now Flying at 30,000 feet.

- go ahead, max. - well, you see, chief...

Chief: you didn't get to Find out who the leader is,

you didn't get the killer...

you didn't get anything!

no? what about this bump on my head?

take it down.

you're to meet me in an hour

at control's secret laboratory.

you know where that is?

you do know where that is, max?

now don't tell me.

Gee, chief! I didn't know You could play the trumpet.

What'd you say, max?

I said I didn't know You could play the tr...

Take five.

It's a brilliant piece Of work, dr. Simon.

Oh, thank you. And It can play any song.

All you'll have to do is say The title into the mouthpiece.

- amazing. - well, what's it for?

Max, we've discovered

That the informer was a trumpet Player with herb talbot's tijuana tin.

Oh, the tijuana tin. I love them... I have all their albums, chief.

Now he told you that Dr. Hellman's theory

Would be sent out of the Country during a television show

Tomorrow night Between 9:00 and 10:00, right?

Right.

Herb talbot's tijuana tin Are doing a television special

Tomorrow night Between 9:00 and 10:00.

That's terrible, Chief! They'll be killed!

- what do you mean? - they're on opposite a movie...

Nobody'll watch 'em.

Max, you're missing the point.

We think dr. Hellman's theory Has been transposed into music

And that they're going to Play it out of the country

Tomorrow night during That television special.

- precisely. - well then, that means

That one of the musicians In the tijuana tin could be

- the man we're looking for. - that's right, but which one?

I know every Musician in that group.

I've dated them all.

Tell me, dr. Simon, which One of these musicians

Would you say is cunning Enough and treacherous enough

To stop at nothing To get what he wants?

All of them.

They'll be needing a New trumpet player, max,

And that's going to be you.

But, chief, I don't know anything About playing the trumpet!

But with this trumpet, you Don't have to know how to play.

You see, this is a Computer trumpet.

You just tell it the Song you want it to play,

Then finger the valves as Though you're actually playing it.

two minutes, miss simon.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to go.

Now we've gotten 99 a job in the chorus.

She'll contact you if She discovers anything.

Now remember, max, You've got to find out

Which song the theory Has been transposed into

And stop it from being played.

Dr. Simon, this is the Most fantastic invention

I've ever seen In my entire life.

Control should have More scientists like you.

A lot more.

- good luck, 86. - thank you.

I'll be seeing you.

Not you, dummy. Take five.

Talbot: okay, everybody, Take a break.

Let's be back on stage, ready To go on camera in 30 minutes.

Uh, you, logan, come here.

Logan, I thought you Played great horn

This morning when You auditioned,

But man, you've been Knocking me out all day!

How come I never Heard of you before?

Huh? Oh, yes!

I've been playing in rome For the past five years.

- I just got back last week. - did you ever play with phil felini?

Uh, phil... Phil felini?

Yes, as a matter of fact, That was my last job.

- how was phil? - who? Oh, phil! Yes yes.

Well, he's been Working very hard

And he's very tired, and When I saw him just last week,

- he didn't look too good. - phil felini's been dead six months.

Well, in that case, He didn't look too bad.

Psst, max.

- is that you, 99? - yes, max.

You know something, 99? I Like you with a mustache.

- max. - don't shave it off.

Come on, max. Get in Here before they see us.

- what did you find out, max? - nothing, 99.

I've been over all the music they're gonna Play tonight, and no sign of any code.

What are we gonna do? The show Starts in less than a half an hour.

Yes, and we still don't know who The leader is or how he plans to...

Shh!

Headquarters been Informed the hellman theory

Will be in the first Number we play tonight?

Yes, but I think we ought To go one more time.

All right, let me have it.

Hmm.

And one and two...

"Seven, c, four, one, one,

- t..." - so that's how they plan to do it.

Then talbot must be the leader.

Of course talbot Is the leader, 99!

No wonder we could Never find the leader.

Who would expect that the leader Would actually be called "The leader"?

If kaos wanted to hide The identity of the leader,

Then they never would have Called the leader "The leader"

Unless they expected Us not to believe

That the leader was Really the leader!

Could you repeat that, max?

I don't think so.

"E" equals zero.

Great. Your hand Was precise and clear.

Good. I'll be seeing you.

- what's that, max? - "I'll be seeing you."

It's a great old Tommy dorsey hit.

99...

My trumpet is out There playing without me.

It's one of those Computer trumpets.

- it plays any song great. - how do you know?

It's exactly like mine.

That man is no musician.

He's a control agent.

Find him and kill him.

Come on, 99, let's Get outta here.

There they are.

- it's locked, 99. - which way, max?

Well, I'd say the Best way is... That way.

Max, in here.

No, they must have Gone the other way.

- excuse me. - I'm so sorry.

Sorry about that.

Hold it, you two.

Max, we're trapped!

We'll have to barricade Ourselves in this room.

Get these chairs and Put 'em up against the wall.

Right, max.

This won't stop 'em, but It'll slow 'em up a little bit.

I guess this is it, max.

It's my fault. I never Should have allowed you

To talk me into taking You on this assignment.

Don't say that, max. If anything Is going to happen to us,

I'd rather it happened like This... While we're together.

It won't be long now, max.

99, there's something I have to tell you.

What is it, max?

Well, we've known each Other for a long time,

And, well, we've been through A lot of things together.

- go on, max. - well...

It's just that I...

Well, I have to tell you How I really feel about you.

I've wanted to tell you For a long long time,

But I just... Well, I've never Been able to find the right words.

You see, 99, it's Not easy to say...

Well, it's not easy to say...

To say "I love you," max?

Yes.

Well, why don't you Let me say it for you?

I love you, max.

No no, 99, that's not What I want to say.

I wanted to say, "I love you, 99."

No, I'm saying I Love you too, max.

- you do? - I always have.

You know, it's kind of a shame

We had to discover each other when Our lives are in such terrible danger.

It would have been So much more romantic

If we could have been Having a candlelit supper

At your apartment And sipping champagne,

And then saying how Much we love each other

While we're dancing On your terrace.

Oh no, that would be More dangerous than this...

I don't have a terrace.

Oh, max, I'm so Glad you love me.

You know, 99,

If we could get outta This trap, I'd marry you.

- you would? - of course I would.

Now that you mention it, max,

- there is a way out. - there is?

What about the old Double-door-deception trick?

- it just might work! - of course!

The old double-door- Deception trick!

It just might work!

If it does, we'll get Outta here alive,

And then we can be married.

Max, don't you want to Get out of here alive?

I'm thinking.

Max!

Hurry, max!

- ready? - ready.

- ready? - ready.

Now, 99, that takes Care of the leader.

If only he had used his music

For niceness instead of evil.

And now we can be married, max.

Yes, uh, married.

Max, you did mean what You said, didn't you?

Oh, max, it's beautiful.

There's just one Thing I'd like to know, 99:

Why didn't you think Of a way out of here

before I asked you to marry me?

Well, I didn't have as Much to live for then.