Original subtitles

Chief: your husband served The cause of control well.

He always conducted Himself with honor.

Your husband served The cause of kaos well.

He always conducted Himself with dishonor.

Oh, max, the funeral of a Double agent is a sad thing.

Yes, particularly in this case.

Johann was working for Both kaos and control.

Now part of him is up there,

And part of him is down there.

One of our loveliest Co-operative funerals.

I suppose the same Arrangement still holds?

- oh yes. You pay 40% and we pay 60%. - fine.

- the truce, then, is still in effect. - yes.

Can I drop you off at Your secret headquarters?

- I wouldn't want you to go to any trouble. - there's no trouble.

Their secret headquarters are on The way to our secret headquarters.

Thank you.

Wait a minute! Hold it right Where you are, everybody.

Get away from that Car. Come on, out!

Exactly what is this All about, mr. Smart?

Just be quiet and get Over there, all of you.

Now, gentlemen, I Have reason to believe

That a bomb has been Attached to this starter.

- what?! - yes, chief. It's really quite simple.

You see those two Leaves on the windshield?

Somebody obviously Lifted up this hood

Forcing those two leaves to Slide back on the windshield.

Max, put the gun away And come over here, please.

- but, chief... - put it away and come here!

Get in, gentlemen, And start the car.

Mr. Smart, ours is a Careful organization.

All kaos cars are Equipped with a device

Which prevents the Hood from being lifted

Until the ignition key Is turned to release it.

Well, max?

Max, you saved the chief's life!

You were right about the leaves.

Of course I was right About the leaves, 99.

In my observation of Nature, I have found

That no two leaves can Fall from the same tree

And land in exactly The same place.

What I don't understand is who Would put the bomb in the engine?

They must have known I'd be riding with you.

Who'd want to Kill the kaos chief

and the control Chief at the same time?

And who would commit the Brutal murder of a double agent?

It's a senseless atrocity.

Max: wait a minute, 99.

Atrocities,

Cruelties and brutalities.

The thing that we Feared for so long

Has finally come to pass.

What's that, max?

A.C.B...

The third spy network.

Assuming there is a third Spy network, who's behind it?

A former kaos agent Named kubacheck.

He quit kaos two years ago

When he was refused a promotion.

He tried to join our Side, but we refused him.

He vowed to destroy Both kaos and control.

That's terrible. How are We going to stop kubacheck?

I have a plan, but You'll need help.

The only available agents Are the two new recruits.

Which would you Rather work with,

samuels or wu-fong?

I think we'd better Work with wu-fong, chief.

why?

Well, I'm a little rusty On my mandarin chinese,

And I may have to chase Kubacheck into the orient.

Oh, all right.

- larrabee? - larrabee: yes, sir?

Send in wu-fong.

What d'you say, man?

You're wu-fong?

No, man, wu-fong is down

With a case of american flu.

Chief: everybody sit Down, we have work to do.

Samuels: yeah, man, how do We catch this kubacheck cat?

It's really quite Simple, samuels.

Find a man who looks like that

and you have found Mr. Kubacheck.

I wish it were that easy, max,

But kubacheck Also looks like this

And like this...

And like this.

All of those are Kubacheck, chief?

They must be putting us on.

No, 99, it's plastic surgery.

And since kubacheck has Dropped out of sight again,

I assume he's used it again.

Then it's going to be Impossible to identify him.

Kubacheck is a Ping-pong fanatic.

He plays equally well with His left hand or his right hand.

He's only been beaten Once, and that time,

By the legendary masked marvel.

he hates the masked marvel,

And he might just Come out in the open

For a chance to get back at him.

Then what we have to do Is to get the masked marvel

- to issue a challenge. - no, it's too risky.

Kubacheck might kill him.

We've got to set up a Decoy masked marvel.

You're the one agent Who is the right size

To pass for him with a mask on.

How do I fit in, chief?

your file says that you Also play ping-pong well, 99.

You two will make a world Ping-pong exhibition tour

And smoke kubacheck out.

I get it, chief. We'll be Sort of table-tennis bums.

But what about samuels here?

Three-handed ping-pong Is a little tricky.

Samuels will go Along as your trainer.

He'll protect you while you're Playing. Is that right, samuels?

Yeah, well, you know,

In the words of that great American patriot, calvin coolidge...

"Sure."

Chief, are you sure We can't get wu-fong?

Before you begin training I want To show you some special equipment.

I know what this is. It's an Ordinary ping-pong paddle.

Not quite, max. Press the button.

it's a short wave radio,

So you can contact me From anyplace in the world.

Precisely.

What'll they think of next?

I'm glad you asked That, samuels.

Next we have some Miniature hand grenades.

Yes, very cleverly disguised

As ordinary ping-pong balls

those are ordinary Ping-pong balls, max.

These are the Miniature hand grenades

Exactly.

What about the rest Of these paddles, chief?

They're all equipped With built-in guns

To afford you some kind of Protection while you're playing

Well, that's about it.

Not quite, chief. Samuels, hand me that box.

Hey, man, come on! This thing weighs a ton.

What is it?

It's a bulletproof sweater.

What looks like ordinary wool

Is actually spun lead.

Help me on with this thing

It's lovely, max, but how Do you play ping-pong in it?

Very slowly.

Your tour begins in two days.

You'd better start practicing.

- hey, man. - yeah, man?

I mean, you know, What's happening?

All work and no kubacheck...

Makes mr. Samuels a dull boy.

No, makes the chief

Question our expense account.

Yes, well it may have come To your attention, mr. Samuels,

What, sir?

That my ping-pong is Becoming quite fantastic.

- yes, it is. - who knows, but little old mr. Kubacheck

May just be afraid To play the old...

- masked marvel... - masked marvel?

- with the right Forehand - kimosabe.

Well that's the way the old...

Ball bounces is what You're trying to say.

Yeah, see, you Said it, I didn't.

Look at all the cities We've gotten to see,

All the places we've been.

We've even got Here to little old

- constantinople. - aw, hey, man,

Come on now, you know,

It's istanbul now, Not constantinople.

Now what ever Made constantinople

Get the works, man?

That's nobody's Business but the turks.

- the turks, yes. I know all about it. - yes, it is.

Hey, man, look. I think You just won the match

- how about that? Won the little old match. - yeah.

The masked marvel did it again.

- wonderful backhand. - if you'll just come with me,

I have a little old plan.

Now here is the plan.

I will take a shower

And see you later.

Yes, mr. Smart,

- that is a candid plan. - I thought it was.

I will go on ahead,

And you tell the Candid plan to 99.

I will tell it to her Precisely as I said.

You're beginning to Sound just like samuels.

What were you two talking about?

I haven't the faintest idea, 99,

But I'm beginning to enjoy it.

By the way, your ping-pong game

Is getting to be fantastic.

- oh really, max? - yes. Watch it!

You are without A doubt the worst.

What is your usual Cover, anyway?

Would you believe a Jewish song-and-dance man?

Who is it?

Woman: a friend, mr. Smart.

Wait a minute, I'm not dressed.

If that looks like What it sounds like

You'd better get out A couple of books.

Who are you and how Did you know my name?

That's what I wanted To talk to you about.

Alone.

I know, don't tell me,

Go to my room and Read a good book.

Try "Les misérables."

Well, what can I Do for you, miss...

Tamara.

"Tomorrow"? I thought you Wanted to talk to me today.

I do. My name is tamara.

- I'm a dancer. - oh, well, I'm sorry.

We're not hiring any Dancers today, tamara.

Dancing is just my cover.

My partner and I are Actually control agents

But a man called kubacheck

Wants us to defect to a.C.B.

- who is your partner? - tahday.

- "Today"? - yes, tahday.

Well what is it? Yesterday, Today, or tomorrow?

Tahday! That's our act.

"Tahday and tamara."

But our names will be mud if Kubacheck gets ahold of us.

He's already Threatened to kill tahday.

And tahday can Identify kubacheck?

No. Tahday is supposed To go to the club tonight

To defect or die.

And you want me to help you.

Yes, you must come to the Club tonight and save tahday.

All right, I'll come To the club tonight.

- what time tonight? - not tonight, today!

The name of the club Is the club "Tonight."

Oh, yes, well...

All right, I'll come to The club "Tonight" today

To save tahday tomorrow.

Yes, well I'll see You later, tamara.

I mean, I'll see you today to...

You'd better get outta here.

You keep your eyes on the Piccolo player, I'll watch tamara.

Hey, no, man, she's not The one who's in trouble.

Not from kubacheck anyway.

Kind gentlemen, lovely lady,

It would please me to Take your order now.

It would please us To give you our order.

- the usual, 99? - yes, thank you.

A champagne cocktail for the lady, I'll have scotch on the rocks and...

Bourbon on the rocks.

Max: bourbon on the rocks For my little friend here.

Very nice, very Wonderful, very original.

Kubacheck has not Contacted tahday yet.

When he does, I will signal you.

How?

Here.

What's wrong, max?

This is written in Mandarin chinese.

I told you we should have Brought fong-wu along.

It's wu-fong.

Fong-wu, wu-fong, what's the Difference? He should be here!

Hey, man, come on.

I was reading mandarin Just last night in my room.

'course this is a little Close to the paper,

But I think we can make it out.

All righty here. Mm-hmm.

Just a moment, sir.

This may be his drink.

You see, sir,

I was correct.

You had the bourbon.

- no, scotch on the rocks. - the scotch.

And the bourbon.

Bourbon on the rocks For my little friend.

Would you care for Another round, sir?

I certainly would.

Very good, sir. You shall have it.

When the chick spots kubacheck,

She'll go into the Dance of the seven veils.

The seven veils, huh?

kubacheck sits at table one,

She'll take off one veil.

If he's at table two, She'll take off two veils,

And so on through The tables... Three, four,

Both: five and six.

What if he goes to table seven?

The cops come in, and Close the place down.

Close the whole place down.

No, I haven't Finished this one yet.

Oh. Well, then We can't permit it

To go stale, can we?

Gentlemen...

This time I believe We have success.

You sure you've got These straight now?

You see, sir, once Again, I am correct.

I have failed you.

But never fear,

For allah is with me.

Well, I wonder if you'd ask Allah to bring the drinks over.

We'd like to get Something going here.

Most assuredly.

- and you had the... - scotch on the rocks,

Bourbon on the rocks.

And the champagne Cocktail for the lovely lady.

No, nothing more For me, thank you.

I hope I'm not out of line,

But would you mind Bringing us our drinks?

Certainly, sir. What...

If you'll...

Tell me what it Was I was having.

I was having a Scotch on the rocks,

And my friend here was Having bourbon on the rocks.

Forgive me for intruding, Sir, but don't you feel

That perhaps you've Already had enough to drink?

But I haven't had Anything to drink.

- I didn't have a sip, you... - don't but me no buts, sir.

But you no buts?

- answer me one question... - answer you a question.

- if you will, briefly... - I will, briefly.

- and quickly. - as quickly as I can.

- are you driving a car? - am I driving...

No, I'm driving a camel.

- driving a camel... - of course I'm driving a car.

I've never been on A camel in my life.

I'd probably fall off The hump and hurt myself.

Driving a car Indeed. In that case,

That's it for you.

I can't permit you

- to drive and drain. - drive and drain.

To drain and drain, Because in all cases,

You must return this Lovely child to her mom.

So in the words of the mahariji,

"No more booze for you."

I'm learning more about Mr. Kubacheck every minute.

Not only is he a liar, a Traitor and a murderer,

But he can't even Keep an appointment.

Now is that any way to Run a third spy network?

Still no kubacheck, mr. Smart.

And we're off in five minutes.

Kubacheck must be here.

He's just not showing himself!

Hey, I just remembered Something...

Kubacheck never Could resist a brawl.

So the plan is:

We start a fight, And whoever joins in

Is kubacheck.

Now that is a dandy little plan.

Yes! I like that a lot.

Now, all we have to see

Is that you don't hurt yourself.

Oh, well, yeah, you're all...

All heart. A lot Of heart in here.

No, thumbs.

That... That was Cute. That was cute!

Sneaky, but cute, cute.

I like that.

Okay, now all you have to do

Is watch my right hand.

That must be kubacheck.

Or maybe that's kubacheck?

Ow!

Hey, man, I count four Kubachecks already.

Here comes number five!

He's still alive, tamara.

Who did it, tahday?

What did he say, max?

He asked me to get My knee off his chest.

That tears it, 99. Kubacheck got away again.

No! I saw him. Kubacheck is...

Max!

Is she...

Yes, 99. There's no tamara.

Kubacheck just left. Did you run into him?

Man, I ran into somebody!

- can you describe him? - well, man, you know...

These turks all Look alike to me.

99, you certainly picked a Great time to hurt your arm.

The tournament starts in an Hour! Who am I gonna warm up with?

I know that, max. I wanna find Kubacheck as much as you do.

It's not kubacheck that I'm Worried about, it's the hotel.

This tournament pays For all our expenses.

They're liable to Confiscate our clothes!

- samuels! - hey, baby!

Here. You're gonna Have to warm me up.

Warm you...

Hey, man, I can't Play this game.

I mean, you know...

Don't worry, I'll Take it easy on you.

Max, he used his right hand!

So you're kubacheck.

That's right. My plastic Surgeon is too much.

Samuels or kubacheck Or whatever your name is,

Drop the paddle, I've got you covered.

Not with that you Don't got me covered.

Oh no?

I'm a sportsman.

I'll let you pick the Way you wanna die.

Oh, okay.

How about old age?

Tell you what, We'll finish the game.

If you win, I'll release you.

That sounds fair enough.

If you lose, I kill you.

And just to make it interesting,

How about $5 on the side?

I had enough of Your cornball jokes.

Serve!

Toyed with you Long enough, baby.

Game point, coming up.

Max, that's it! He Can't return a lob.

It's all over, kubacheck. Care to concede?

Never!

Well, that does it, kubacheck.

Now if you'll excuse Us, we'll just...

Not on your life.

Wait a minute, you Said if I beat you,

- you'd release us. - I lied.

All right, kubacheck, drop it.

Chief!

With all the Defections to a.C.B.,

I was the only control agent

I was sure I could trust.

I've been following You since the start.

The old Chief-in-the-brown-beard-

And-wig trick!

I guess that just about Wraps it up, kubacheck.

All right, drop it!

All right, let's go.

You three sure you Won't change your minds

And join my third Spy network a.C.B.?

Not a chance, samuels.

Kinda hate to do you in.

We did have some kicks.

Maybe we should Take a vote on it.

- you know, try 13 weeks and... - max!

He's a vicious Killer and a traitor!

That's our final Decision, kubacheck!

You can shoot Now if you want to.

What I had in mind Was your idea.

I rigged a small grenade

In this ping-pong ball.

Well, that's it.

As george washington said, In his farewell to his troops...

"Farewell, troops!"

Duck!

Max!

Brilliant return. How did you do it?

It was really quite simple, 99.

I just took the racket, Flicked my wrist,

And aimed for that Window over there.