Original subtitles

Isn't it exciting, max?

Only a minute and A half to blast off.

Relax, 99. If you've seen One $50-million blast off,

You've seen them all.

How you coming, fella?

I've got your sound fixed, but Your picture tubes are shot.

Oh, well, is there anything You can do about it?

I have to take it into the shop.

Yes, well, we don't Have time for that.

Well, there'll be a $50 service charge.

$50 service charge?

Look where I am. By The way, where am I?

Never mind, just send The bill to the government.

Our government?

Yes. Now get out.

What do you guys Do here, anyway?

Radio voice: zero Minus 90 seconds.

Max, why do they always repeat The instructions in german?

I don't know, 99. I Guess it's the language

Our best american Scientists understand.

Radio voice: zero minus 30. All systems are go.

See? I told you. It's all routine.

It's not routine, max.

Something has happened To the last three rockets

To cause them to Veer off course.

Naturally, we had to destruct.

We suspect Electromagnetic interference

From a man-made source.

Tell me, general, Just how do you

Destruct a missile in mid-air?

That's simple. I press a Secret button that triggers

An explosive charge Within the missile.

What if something should happen to Prevent you from pushing the button?

Then professor Kroeger would take over.

For security reasons, He and I are the only ones

Who know the exact location Of the destruct button.

ja, mein herr.

Radio voice: five, four, three,

two, one, fire!

It's beautiful.

Straight as an arrow.

Radio voice: 1,000'... All systems are go.

Looks like it's a perfect shot.

Well, I guess we can All sit back and relax.

Something's gone wrong. It's Heading right for the blockhouse.

Make that, "Sit up and worry."

It's heading straight for us.

I've got to destruct.

Stop where you are, general.

Are you out of your mind?

nein. we all die together!

Max, not at a time like this. Do You know what you've just done?

Yes, I've just shot...

The only man in this room Who could have saved our lives.

It's coming right for us!

It's coming right at us!

We don't have time to Press all these buttons.

In 10 seconds We'll all be killed.

Max, do something.

Nine, eight, seven, six,

Gee, what a great View of the missile.

It's coming right Into the window.

Max, we're going to be killed!

Well, chief, it's not All gravy, you know.

It exploded!

Max, you must have hit a destruct Button when you leaned on the panel.

What luck!

Well, not all luck, 99.

A good part of it Was using my head.

Max, 99, look at this.

What does the dragon Stand for, chief?

Chief: it means the Man behind all this is

the evil genius dr. Yes.

Friends at control most Complimentary to humble me.

However, it is said,

"To know who one Is, not so important

As to know where one is."

Where are we, max?

We're in lost lake, 99.

Well, how can you tell that? I can't even find it on the map.

Yes, well, when you have Animal instincts like I do, 99,

You don't need a map.

I can tell by the relationship of The sun to that huge tree over there.

Plus the fact that that Huge tree has a huge sign on it.

Well, 99, I think we Should camp here.

According to control, Dr. Yes's headquarters

Should be somewhere Within a radius of 50 miles.

We've got to find it before the next Missile launch tomorrow morning.

Max, do we need all this?

Of course we do, 99. It's all part of my plan

To establish our cover as Harmless, fun-loving vacationers.

But snowshoes, max?

Well, would you believe

Stupid, harmless, Fun-loving vacationers?

Well, 99, that tent was set up in Record time, if I do say so myself.

You did a beautiful job.

Thanks, max. But where Am I supposed to sleep?

Oh, yes, well, we'll have To worry about that later.

Right now I want to Find out where that

Electromagnetic Interference is coming from.

But, max, that's a fishing rod.

Of course it's A fishing rod, 99,

But you can't always Tell a hook by its cover.

You see, this reel here is Actually a homing device.

- and the rod is the antenna. - what's its range?

As far as you can cast it.

What do you got there?

Oh, this is control's latest Antipersonnel weapon.

It's an electronic Mosquito. If we get captured,

We release it and it Attacks the enemy viciously.

- killing them? - no,

But it keeps them so busy Scratching that we can get away.

Good afternoon. May We be of assistance?

Well, you certainly Could if we needed any.

But are you not lost?

Well, of course not. We know Exactly where we are. Why do you ask?

Because it is strange to Find anyone here at lost lake.

No one ever comes here.

Well, you're here. You Must have some reason.

well, we are looking for sport.

We are nothing but Simple, harmless,

Fun-loving vacationers.

Well, how do you like That? That's what we are.

Well then, there is no Reason for you to stay here.

the fishing is terrible.

And the hunting, worse.

At night, the insects, They eat you alive,

Not to mention the Poisonous snakes,

The enormous alligators,

And the piranhas in the lake.

That sounds like a hotel we Spent our vacation at last year.

And they charged us $60 a day.

as you wish, huh? We warned you, huh?

Lost lake is a very Dangerous place.

If you stay, you take Your life in your hands.

I don't like it, max.

They don't look like harmless, Fun-loving vacationers to me.

Well, that's where You're wrong, 99,

Because I know for a fact that

- that's exactly what they are. - how can you be so sure?

Because when I looked in their Camper I saw two sets of snowshoes.

The escape chamber.

We inform dr. Yes at once.

- you rang? - da, dr. Yes.

Toulouse and Himmel have arrived.

When mice return to nest

Hawk not far behind.

You bring news from above?

Two strangers Are camping nearby.

We tried to frighten them Off, but they wouldn't leave.

Is indeed worrisome information.

Our business here Is far too important

To have strangers Snooping about.

You agree with dr. Yes, yes?

- jawohl. - oui.

- da. - si.

Ah, how lovely it is

To hear the word "Yes."

it is music to my ears

And pomegranates

To my soul.

Yes?

- jawohl. - oui.

- da. - si.

Please to eliminate them

In the usual manner.

But that is such a Horrible way to die.

Couldn't we just shoot them?

You would dare to Disagree with dr. Yes?

- no. - then do as you have been instructed,

Both of you.

- oui. - jawohl.

Rest of you, back to work.

- da. - si.

Any reading at all, max?

Nothing. Not a thing.

Three hours of exhaustive Searching and nothing, not even a fish.

Man's voice: help! Help!

Max, isn't that the camper Those two men were in?

- help! help! - yes, they must be trapped inside.

Come on, 99.

Recorded voice: help! Help!

How do you like that 99?

The old tiny-tape-recorder-in The-trailer trick.

Max, I think we're Onto something.

I knew there was something Suspicious about those men.

Now wait a minute, 99,

Let's not jump to conclusions.

Max, it's a trap!

Max, the walls are Closing in on us!

Max, we can't hold the walls Back. What are we going to do?

99, reach in my pocket and get my Oversized mini-goethe fountain pen.

Right, max. Here it is.

- put it in my mouth. - right.

Ohh. Ohh.

Max, it worked.

Yes. That takes Care of the walls.

Now how are we going To get out of here?

My ring, max, my micro-battery-powered Diamond drill ring.

Oh, good. Let me have It. I'll cut our way out.

- right, max. - let me by, 99.

- ohh. Oh. - let me by, 99

- I'm trying max. - well, I can't get through.

- I'll move up this way. - pull in your stomach.

- maybe I can go under. - go under.

- okay. - I've got it.

you've got it, max.

- a little further down. - you're getting it, max.

that's it. Good.

Not so loud, 99.

Oh, max, we did it.

Yes, now we have to find Those men who tried to kill us.

Look, max, footprints.

Come on.

Either the man who made these Footprints had webbed feet or...

Fins. He was wearing swim fins.

That's it, of Course. You're right.

Everything ties in, 99.

That's why we haven't Been able to track down

That electronic Magnetic interference.

It's been underwater.

Come on, let's go change.

Max, look. It's unbelievable.

Shh.

It's an entire power Station under the lake.

No wonder no one could find it.

- max, look at this. - shh.

Think anyone heard it?

99, we've done it.

We've outwitted, dr. Yes.

Most humbly beg to disagree.

You told me they Were eliminated.

Do you realize I Could have you killed

For failing to dispose of them?

- jawohl. - oui.

- da. - si.

Words of agreement have Sufficiently soothed me.

go to the surface And stand guard.

Now then...

You will tell me Who you are, yes?

Yes yes. Eh...

I'm maxwell smart of Control and this is agent 99,

And I can tell you This much, yes...

you'll never get away With what you're doing.

Incidentally, what Are you doing?

I am preparing to destroy your

Strategic air Command headquarters

in omaha, nebraska.

Max is right. You'll Never get away with it.

The installation will be Obliterated by your own missiles.

your government will have To bow to the will of kaos.

It is said, "A wise lobster

Knows the power Of its own claws."

Yes, well it is also said

That "He who lives By the sword..."

How does it go, 99?

"Dies by the sword," max.

Right. "Dies by the sword."

True, mr. Smart.

But beg to remind You, your blade is blunt.

Eh, yes. Well, I Beg to remind you...

That it is often said that He who has a blunted blade...

How does that one go, 99?

No. Let me put it another way.

If we don't report in by dark,

Thousands of troops will Swarm into lost lake to find us.

Unfortunately, It will be too late.

Please do honor to listen.

Man on radio: 10 minutes to Launch. 10 minutes to launch.

all stations...

Don't tell me they're Going to fire the missile.

all stations 10 Minutes to launch.

I asked them not To tell me that.

- prepare missile... - due to an impending hurricane,

The launch time has been Moved up to 5:00 this afternoon.

it is more than enough time

For me to complete My calculations.

A most excellent Breakdown, natasha.

by adding the Barometric pressure,

The temperature And the humidity,

We will know exactly When to activate

the deflecting mechanism.

No wonder they can afford Such an expensive setup.

Look at all the money He saves on pencils.

According to my Humble calculations,

the mechanism will Be set for precisely

One minute after blastoff. Yes?

Da. I will start the generator

And warm up the Interference device.

Please to follow Me to guest room

Where you can Remove wet clothes.

then I will show you full extent

Of humble hospitality.

I hope you will be comfortable.

Oh, let me explain

Most ingenious mechanism.

I simply turn handle...

Water floods chamber,

Drowning occupant,

At same time raising float,

Thus lowering revolving blade,

Eliminating second guest.

Please to enjoy.

Yes?

Max!

Max!

Max, the saw! Max!

Max, do something!

Max!

The drill ring, max!

the diamond drill ring!

Hurry, max!

Check deflector mechanism

For one minute after launch.

Radio voice: zero Minus 30 seconds.

Radio voice: zero Minus 30 seconds.

Radio voice: zero Minus 15 seconds.

repeat, zero minus 15 seconds.

You're too late, mr. Smart.

In one minute the deflector Mechanism takes over.

Yes, but there's still time Enough to take care of you, dr. Yes.

You see, I happen to be an Expert at hand-to-hand combat.

However, nail-to-nail-combat I'm not too crazy about.

Radio voice: all systems are go.

all systems are go.

prepare to fire missile.

prepare to fire missile.

you have left me With the keenest,

Sharpest nail of all.

I humbly call it the spoiler.

All I need is scratch you.

You see, the tip is poisoned.

it has been a great Pleasure knowing you.

Yes...

99, the mosquito!

Your cheek, yes. It's on your cheek.

Radio voice: zero Minus 10 seconds.

repeat. Zero minus 10 seconds.

- you have made me scratch myself. - nine, eight, seven, six,

- the poison... - five, four, three

two, one, zero, blast off.

He's dead, 99.

He turned off the Deflector mechanism, max.

Nothing can happen To the missile now.

Yes. Well, it is truly written

In the heavens by The bird of paradise,

That he who comes To his own end...

How does that go, 99?

Don't tell me it goes like that.

I asked you not to Tell me it goes like that.