Original subtitles

You don't know Me, I don't know you.

Max, the chief has a very Dangerous assignment for you.

Max? Max? Max!

I beg your pardon, miss. I don't believe we've met.

Max, I meant pretend You don't know me

As far as everyone Else is concerned.

And use a newspaper. People Can see your lips moving.

Now listen very carefully, Max. You must memorize this.

Kaos has a secret Lab in this hotel.

they're receiving information

about the nerve gas formula From behind the iron curtain.

The device used for Receiving the information

Is a tiny amplifier built In an olive with a pimiento.

A control double Agent posing as a waiter

Has stolen the Olive. Now without it,

Work on the nerve gas will Come to a stop. You got that?

- not all of it. - what part didn't you get?

The part after "You Must memorize this."

Max.

Well, what does this Double agent look like?

I don't know, max.

You'll have to try the Password on every waiter

- until you find him. - what's the password?

You say, "Pussycat, pussycat, Where have you been?"

And he'll answer, "I've been To london to visit the queen."

"Pussycat, pussycat, Where have you been?"

- right, max. - let me get this straight.

I walk up to every Waiter I see and I say,

"Pussycat, pussycat, Where have you been?"

That's right, max.

You're right. This is a Dangerous assignment.

Good luck, max.

Listen, bud, I don't like People to look at me funny.

Well, if you don't like The way I'm looking at you,

You're gonna hate What I'm gonna say to you.

Besides, you don't Look like the type

That would go to England to visit the queen.

Pussycat?

Pussycat, pussycat, Where have you been?

I've been to london To visit the queen.

Really? Would you mind Putting me down now?

Here it is...

When you push the pimiento This way, it becomes a receiver.

And when you push the other Way, what does it become?

A pimiento!

Now, be very careful. It's Got a very loud speaker in it.

- you've done a good job, pussycat. - wait!

Tell the chief he's gotta Take me off this duty.

I just can't be a Double agent anymore!

My nerves can't...

Take it.

There there there now.

Take it easy, no Need to get all upset.

Besides, I think I Found your trouble.

You've got a knife on your back.

Annie is here, loud and clear!

- howdy? - it's very kind of you

To give us an interview during Your lunch break, miss jones.

Oh, forget that "Miss jones," buster.

I come from a family Part of the country.

To you I am annie, ozark annie,

Like I am to anyone Else among my millions

Of devoted followers And fans. Park it.

Hold it! Don't anybody move.

Sorry, gang, I don't usually Bust in on people like this

And squeeze their olives,

But this is an emergency.

Where's your olive? Don't Tell me you swallowed it.

I swallowed it.

I asked you not to tell me that.

Now, my dear, that may have been

The costliest gulp in the Course of human history.

What do you mean by that crack?

I'm not at liberty to say What I mean by that crack.

Pardon me.

Hello, chief?

Boy, there are stranger ones In the city than in the country.

Don't worry, chief. I won't Let her out of my sight.

She's leaving. I gotta go.

You fools! Dummkopfs!

Sissies! You let the Control double agent steal

The olive right out from Under your stupid noses?!

The minute I go away, Everything goes kaploot.

But you were here all the time.

You're not making it any Easier on yourself, shtarker.

If x40 doesn't Get the olive back,

We have no way of receiving The final formula from popovich.

But I thought the Nerve gas was perfected.

Without the final formula,

We can only control the Emotions of the female.

- what's that? - it must be x40 calling in.

Who will hear me On this frequency?

Oh, you'll be heard On x40's wristwatch,

und on the missing olive.

X40 better be calling in to say That he has recovered the olive

Or else...

You'd better give It time to warm up.

Now it's ready.

Siegfried: hello?

- howdy? is that you, siegfried?

No. It's me, annie.

Siegfried: where are you?

Where are you?

What is this? Am I On "Candid camera"?

Siegfried: answer Me! Where are you?

I ain't telling you.

You just get out of Here the way you got in!

I've been hit. Control Agent 86 shot me.

Siegfried: what happened To the olive receiver?

without it, we cannot get Popovich's 6:00 broadcast.

somebody swallowed it.

What are you doing in there?

Get out of there!

Get back here immediately!

Goodbye!

Pardon me, miss, could I Speak to you for a minute?

- no. - good.

Now listen to me and Listen very carefully.

Your life is in great danger.

You've accidentally swallowed

A kaos communications device.

If you'll just put yourself in my Hands, everything will be all right.

- oh, sure. - now wait a minute.

I happen to be a secret agent.

You're kidding.

What's so hard to Believe about that?

Well, face it... You Ain't no sean o'connery.

You know, all handsome And confident...

Just take a look into The mirror, pudding.

Yes. Well, I happen to be Very proud of this disguise.

Disguise?

Actually, I'm a Powerfully-built,

Handsome blond giant With sunburned skin,

Wide-set eyes and A dimple in my chin.

- let me see. - well, that would take hours.

Right now, you're to come To my apartment with me.

Uh-huh. I think I'll take My chances with that, uh...

- kaos bunch. - siegfried to x40.

find out who has Swallowed the olive,

and cut it out of them!

Reckon I'll take my Chances with you.

Hey, you know, I Ain't never been

In a real spy's Apartment before.

Max: I brought you here To be sure you're safe.

Hey, you're mighty rugged!

Come on, turn into That handsome fella

With the dimples.

Shh!

Okay.

Boy, I bet everything in here Looks different from what it is...

Like you.

That's right.

For example, take this vase...

Now, use this if you wanna hit Someone who's standing behind you.

You're pulling my lariat.

Go ahead, try it.

Hmm, okay.

You knew he was there All the time, didn't you?

and you just wanted Me to have the pleasure

Of doing it all by myself.

Oh, I like you, pudding.

You gotta stay Looking like this, huh?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Now here's something That might interest you...

An invisible wall.

An invisible wall?!

Boy, would I like to see that!

No, you see, you press this,

And an invisible wall comes Down in the middle of the room.

- "Whar"? - oh, "Thar."

Uh, well, you Can't really see it,

But it's right Over "Thar"... There.

Uh, there... "Thar." it's in The middle of the room.

It'll even stop a Bullet. Wanna try?

Sure. Where... Where should I aim?

- oh, just anywhere. - okay.

You've done it Again! You are cute!

Excuse me.

Very bad job of engineering...

this is the control For the invisible wall.

This is the remote control For my television set.

There, the wall is down now.

Would you mind Pressing that button?

Hello? Oh, hi there, chief.

Uh, yes, I have the olive.

Uh, well, there's one Little complication, chief.

It's inside the girl.

Yes, you'd better Send over a doctor.

Dr. Mctavish. Right, chief.

Well, we got a Little while to kill.

Oh, uh, sure it seems a shame

To just stay around here Doing nothing till then.

Yes, it certainly does.

Uh, you wanna do something?

You got something in mind?

As a matter of fact, I do.

- for the both of us? - well,

What I have in mind wouldn't Be any fun for just one.

Would you like to sit Down on the couch?

Sure.

- comfy? - mm-hmm.

Sure am, pudding.

Okay, you wanna deal or shall I?

That is gin-gee-boo.

Uh, that must be the doctor.

Remember, you owe me 30¢.

Doctor? - ja.

- dr. Mctavish? - hoot mon.

Where is the wee Lassie with the olive

In her stomach?

Just a minute, doctor.

That's a very strange Accent you've got there.

- you noticed? - I certainly did.

Very perceptive. I Was born in edinburgh,

- but I studied in heidelberg. - oh.

Well, that explains it. The Patient's right over there, doc.

- open wide, please. - ah-hh.

Ah, just as I thought. We Have to get you to a hospital.

I have an ambulance downstairs.

Just a minute.

Very clever,

Siegfried "Mctavish."

How did you know I wasn't a doctor?

Very simple... You went Right to the patient

Without even complaining About having to make a house call.

You can close your Mouth now, annie.

Thanks.

All right, smart, you can Put your gun away now.

It's no use. My men are all Around you in this room.

All right.

Goethe, hans, godzilla,

Uh... Fellows?

Oh, boy.

Sorry, siegfried, but We've already exterminated

The rats that you Infested this place with.

That's telling him, pudding.

Now, that wasn't very...

I'm sorry about that, pudding.

Thank you, my dear.

It will touching having To kill you after this favor,

But first... Goodbye, Maxwell smart!

I shall return, smart.

Would you mind pushing That button again?

- I think we'd better get back to control. - yeah.

You'll be safe there.

ja, according to schedule,

He's coming up the back way.

Shtarker, smart does not realize

I have the remote Control activator

For the ejection Seat of his car.

Get ready.

Board, out!

Control intelligence reports that they Brought her back to a secret laboratory

In this hotel, but where?

I can just see siegfried Sitting up there, gloating.

You don't happen to see His room number, do you?

No, max. But if I Know siegfried,

He's up there stuffing His face with food.

Wait a minute, 99. That's it, you've got it.

What have I got?

Max, if I got it, I have a Right to know what it is.

99, you've just given me A brilliant idea. Come on.

Hello, room service, please.

Max, room service Won't deliver to the lobby.

Man: room service.

Hello, room service, What's going on down there?

I ordered hours ago. When I Order, you will deliver immediately.

I don't understand, sir. All our deliveries went out.

But where is mine? I ordered Knockwurst, bratwurst,

Liverwurst, fried Sauerkraut and a prune danish.

I see it on the list, but The only order we had

for bratwurst, knockwurst, liverwurst, Fried sauerkraut and a prune danish

was already Delivered to room 602.

what room are you in?

Never mind, I'm not hungry.

- he gave me the room number. - max, that was brilliant.

Oh, not really, 99.

It reminded me of an Old trick I used years ago

In the oppenheimer case.

You see, I remembered that Oppenheimer was very fond

Of a jelly doughnut on A rye toast with gravy.

Well, the chief was all For storming room 401,

But I was positive that Oppenheimer was in room 802.

Carlson, on the other hand, Thought that he was in 903.

Which was, 401, 802 or 903?

A call to room service And it confirmed my opinion.

It proved that Oppenheimer was in room 802

Just as surely as Siegfried is in room...

Room service, please.

Practically no interference.

Madam, you have a Very quiet stomach.

Thanks a lot.

And this room is the Fear-gas chamber.

We are safe being in here?

ja, it only works on females.

- you've seen for yourself. - yeah.

In the romance-gas Room the female rabbits

Are chasing the male rabbits;

And here the females Rabbits are shrinking

From the male rabbits. And in both rooms

The male rabbits are Just sitting around

Trying to figure out What the heck it's all about.

If we get popovich's Final formula,

It will work on all Sexes of every kind.

Ah, between romance and fear,

We could rule eight Eighths of the world.

- why not the whole world? - don't push it, shtarker.

Let's go.

this is professor popovich.

here is the final Formula for the nerve gas.

Now, cut that out!

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it!

precisely 23 f.

One more hiccup

And I will kill you right now.

Wait, I know a sure Cure for hiccups.

What is it?

Scare me.

Boo.

It worked.

- - that was it. I'll Shoot you right now.

No.

All right, siegfried, Drop it! Hands up!

Pudding, you're as welcome As a new rooster in a henhouse.

What kind of nonsense is this? Four of us and only one of him.

Put down your hands, pull out your Guns. He can only shoot one of us.

You're the one.

Please, everybody, hands up.

Pudding, look out!

Oh, pudding, I'm so glad we...

What is it? What is it?

- don't you come near me! - what is it?

What is it?

You take your thumb Out of your mouth!

annie? annie?

Annie: hi.

Take it easy, annie. I'm Not gonna touch you

And I'm not gonna Hurt you. Just...

Are you all right?

What's the matter With you, annie?

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,

- I love you, I love you, I love you. - annie... Annie, stop.

- just take it easy. - kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,

- kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. - annie, take it easy.

Hey, annie, just take it easy.

Oh-hh, how I love you!

- kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. - annie, will you stop it?

Get ahold of yourself. Siegfried is outside.

- we're liable to get killed. - I know, kiss me, kiss...

max?

Max, where are you?

Max, wait, the Back way is clear.

- I'll cover it for you. - I love you, I love you...

99, the strangest thing Has happened to annie.

Max, I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love You, kiss me...