Original subtitles

We should be getting a Visual sighting any minute now.

We should be getting a Visual sighting any minute now.

- I just said that. - what did you say?

I said we should be getting a Visual sighting any minute now.

That's what I said.

There it is, max, the Plane carrying dietrich.

see if you can get Him on the radio.

Right, chief.

This is alpha charlie Calling zebra 7.

Do you read me? Over.

They don't seem to Be answering, chief.

This is alpha charlie Calling zebra 7.

Do you read me? Over.

We've got to make contact, max.

Dietrich is the highest-ranking Kaos agent ever to defect.

His testimony is Vital. Repeat it, max.

Dietrich is the highest-ranking Kaos agent ever to defect

and his testimony is vital.

Not what I said, max, Repeat the call letters.

Oh, right, chief.

Where are you, zebra 7?

- over. - man over radio: this is zebra 7.

Wait a minute, chief. I think I've got him.

Zebra 7, this is alpha charlie.

- do you read me? Over. - we read you loud and clear.

dietrich is the highest-ranking Kaos agent ever to defect

and his testimony is vital.

Roger, zebra 7. Where Are you, zebra 7? Over.

our altitude is 3,000.

we are heading 4-7-niner

at 2-7-5. Do you copy? over.

Roger, zebra 7. We copy you.

"Zebra 7, this is alpha charlie.

Reverse nominal pitch,

Check yaw and down bubble.

change your heading to 4-6-8.

Prepare for drop in Exactly 10 seconds."

What did you say?

I was just giving the Pilot his instructions.

What did you tell him?

Just told him to keep on Doing what he was doing.

Here he comes, right on target. He's getting ready to jump.

Four, three, two, one.

Bail out!

Dietrich's chute just opened. It looks like a perfect drop.

With the technical Know-how we have today,

This precision jumping Is just routine, chief.

He's coming in Right on the mark.

That's good, chief, because you can Always tell how a mission is gonna go

By the way it starts.

Well, chief, I just left Dietrich. He's in maximum secur...

Chief, what are you Doing under the desk?

You must be mistaken, Max. I'm not under the desk.

Well, you're not under the desk Now, but you were a minute ago.

Never mind that. I Have a surprise for you.

You're kidding. That's unbelievable!

I haven't seen him in Years... Mike hiddman.

But you have the name spelled Wrong, chief. It's h-I-d-d-m-a-n.

Mike hiddman, great guy.

I don't think you understand.

Better let me Handle this, chief.

- what are you doing? - calling the exterminator.

Hang up the phone!

max, I didn't want Kaos to know this,

But we discovered that There's a listening device

Hidden somewhere in this office.

A listening device?

Yes, electronic security Detected it about half an hour ago.

Oh, well, you shouldn't Have told that to me, chief.

You should have written it on a Piece of paper and shown it to me.

Max, just find the microphone!

Okay, now let's see, chief.

You've probably looked In all the obvious places...

The bookcase, the lamp,

- the water pitcher. - the water pitcher.

I never checked The water pitcher.

Of course, because logically,

It couldn't be in The water pitcher,

So that would be the Cleverest place to put it.

You were right, chief. It's not in The water pitcher, no microphone.

Don't worry About a thing, chief.

I'll have it cleaned Up in a minute.

Max, the microphone. They Must have hidden it in my pocket.

Wait a minute, Chief. I'll handle this.

Larabee, what are you doing?

I overheard you tell max There was a bug in the room.

I wasn't referring to an insect.

I was talking about a Small mechanical device

That's used for eavesdropping, A listening device.

Oh, you mean like a bug.

Larabee, take the Can back in your office

- and step on it! - right, chief.

Max, you know what this means.

I don't...

I don't think you're supposed to Step on those aerosol cans, chief.

Max, we're in serious trouble.

It's obvious that kaos has Penetrated control security.

Do you know what that means?

This is just a wild guess, Right off the top of my head,

But I would say that

It means that kaos

Has penetrated control security.

It also means that Dietrich's life is in jeopardy.

That too. That... That... That, too, chief.

Max, no kaos informer Has ever lived long enough

To testify against kaos.

I don't understand it. There must be a place

That we can hide Dietrich that's safe.

We've never been successful yet.

Every time we get a kaos Informer, they get to him.

Hello.

Oh, yes, he's here, 99. Hold on Just a minute. It's for you, max.

Hello, 99. What's up?

Oh, well, don't worry About it, sweetheart.

I'll try and fix it up, and I'll call you back later.

Okay, goodbye.

- anything wrong, max? - no, nothing important, chief.

Mrs. Feldman is sick, and I have To get someone to replace her.

Mrs. Feldman, Who's mrs. Feldman?

She's the lady that helps 99 take care of the babies.

And she's sick? That's great.

Oh, you know mrs. Feldman?

This is just the opportunity We've been looking for.

- we can get dietrich to take her place. - now just a minute, chief.

That's a little ridiculous. I mean, Marlena dietrich is not gonna take care

Of two babies at her age. One baby, maybe, but not two.

Max, I'm talking about Kaos agent dietrich.

Oh, well, that's different. She might take care of him.

- your apartment would be the perfect... - hold it.

"Another bug."

Another bug.

Max, why did you Smash my cuff link?

That wasn't a cuff link. That was a microphone.

Of course it's a microphone. And this is a microphone,

And they were a gift from The broadcasters association

In solid gold!

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, yes.

I understand.

Yes, sir. Oh, of course.

Oh, you don't have To worry about that.

Goodbye.

37 years I've been with kaos.

37 years!

One informer gets away And suddenly I am incompetent.

But, father, they can't blame You because dietrich defected.

You will find, alex, that When you work for kaos,

They will blame Whoever they want.

We have to find this Dietrich and silence him.

We'll do that, father, but When the time comes to bury him,

Will kaos give us the business?

Oh, alex, I never have To worry about you.

You have a good Head for business.

No matter what Happens, with you,

The business comes first.

Don't sell this coffin.

If I don't find dietrich, I'll Be needing it for myself.

Okay, but I'll have To have a deposit.

- yes, what is it? - man: earl kibbee to see you.

Send him in.

Earl kibbee, isn't he the one They call the exterminator?

That's him.

Alex, you're about to meet The most cold-blooded,

Calculating, ruthless killer That ever worked for kaos.

Are the stories about Him really true, father?

I heard he was even given a Contract on his own mother-in-law.

He was offered $10,000. He turned it down.

He turned down the contract?

No, he took the contract. He turned down the money.

He said it was his pleasure.

Mr. Vogel...

I'm earl kibbee,

Certified public accountant, Notary public and murderer.

You admit to being a murderer?

I have to. It's on the card.

But whoever printed up this Card knows you're a murderer.

Yeah, but you don't Have to worry about her.

Her? This was Printed up by a woman?

- my mother-in-law. - but you're a c.P.A. And notary public.

Why do you even Bother to murder?

It's kind of hard to make ends Meet on a c.P.A.'s salary nowadays.

My wife and I like to Keep up with the frankels.

You mean the joneses.

I mean the frankels. The joneses are dead.

I caught up with them. What's the name of the victim?

Wolfgang dietrich.

- reason for Execution> - informer.

Informer?

If there's one thing I Hate, it's an informer.

- who did he squeal to? - control.

Control? I hate 'em!

I hate 'em. I hate control.

I hate informers, And I hate control!

You hear me?! I hate 'em!

- let's go on. - do you do that often?

- do what? - how much is this going to cost me,

This contract?

I'll have those figures For you in just a minute.

Travel expenses,

Equipment rental,

Hotel, tip.

Is there any special way you Want the victim eliminated?

We leave that up to you, but it Must be done by tomorrow noon.

A one-day service, that's extra.

- where is the victim? - we don't know.

Hmm...

- what was that last number? - finder's fee.

$10,000 and 15¢.

- what's the 15¢ for? - the bullet.

$10,000 is a little high.

Besides, how are We gonna explain

This added expense to kaos?

Perhaps for $500 In his own pocket,

Mr. Kibbee will alter the Books so kaos will not notice it.

Alter the books? That's dishonest.

That's against every Principle and business ethic.

No c.P.A. Would do such a thing.

- what do you think I am? - I'll make it $1,000.

I'll take it.

I'm all set to go To my mother's, max.

- are you sure you'll be all right? - of course I will, 99.

Don't worry. This'll all be Over by tomorrow afternoon.

Max, what's that?

Max, there must be a fire in the Building. A fire engine just pulled up.

It's no fire, 99. That's the Chief bringing dietrich over.

In a fire engine?

Yes, well, we didn't Wanna take any chances.

We were afraid that maybe a Kaos agent might be lurking

- in the hall or on the stairway. - but I don't understand.

- oh, hi, chief. - max, all set?

- yes, where's dietrich? - right behind me.

- I guess I'd better be going, max. - I'll call you tonight.

I'll give you a hand, 99.

Now remember, max, dietrich must Take the stand tomorrow afternoon.

- nothing must happen to him. - don't worry, chief, nothing will.

Bye, love.

Oh, my gosh.

All right, dietrich.

I want you to get Busy with these dolls.

In case anybody is looking Through the window,

I want them to think That mrs. Feldman

Is doing her job.

- who was that? - it's nothing. It's just the plumber.

You sent for a plumber At a time like this?

I didn't send for the plumber.

- the landlord sent for the plumber. - I don't like this, get rid of him.

- hey, fella, how long you gonna be? - it shouldn't be long now.

You found dietrich and You killed him. Wonderful.

Oh, I found dietrich, But I didn't kill him.

Why?

'cause dietrich is Gonna kill himself.

- I don't get it. - well, it's very simple.

Dietrich is obsessed With symmetry.

I don't understand.

Well, for instance, if he Sees a chair out of place,

Then he's got to put it back.

If he sees a lampshade That's slightly tilted,

He's gotta straighten it out.

So I rigged a gun Behind a picture

That's hanging on the Wall in smart's apartment,

And then I tilted the picture.

now the minute dietrich Sees that picture,

he's gonna have to Straighten it out.

And the second he does, bang.

That's brilliant!

But what if smart moves the Picture before dietrich does?

From what I've learned About maxwell smart,

He doesn't even know he Has a picture on the wall.

Mrs. Feldman.

- mrs. Feldman! Mrs. Fel... - what do you want?

I want you to get the dolls And pretend you're feeding...

dietrich, will you get that Shaving cream off your face?

Why?

"Why?" because if kaos Happens to be looking

Through that window and they see That shaving cream all over your face,

they're gonna know You're not mrs. Feldman.

You're right.

Besides, mrs. Feldman Uses an electric razor.

- what are you doing? - I'm gonna straighten out the picture.

I already straightened out The pictures. Can't you see that?

But they're still crooked.

Oh, you're right. I'll fix them.

Mrs. Feldman.

Mrs. Feldman.

- mrs. Feldman! - dietrich: "Mrs. Feldman!

Mrs. Feldman!"

All I been hearing since I got here yesterday

Is "Mrs. Feldman!"

- did anybody ever tell you you're a nag? - I don't care.

I want you to act Like mrs. Feldman.

I am acting like mrs. Feldman.

What do you think I Was doing in the kitchen?

- I was making chicken soup. - I don't want you in the kitchen.

I want you right out here in the living Room where I can keep my eye on you.

All right, if it'll make you Happy, I'll stay out here.

What was that?

What was what?

I thought I heard A noise in the hall.

I didn't hear anything.

Check it out anyway.

Nothing.

Hello. Oh, hi, chief.

No, there haven't been any More attempts on dietrich's life

Since the painting took A shot at him yesterday.

right, chief. We'll be ready.

So long.

Okay, dietrich, the chief And 99 will be picking us up

In a bulletproof car In about 10 minutes.

- you can get out of that dress. - oh, good.

I can hardly breathe.

Sure gonna feel good to Get this girdle off my chest.

Don't forget your briefcase.

What briefcase?

The briefcase with All the kaos data in it.

Oh, that's not in the Briefcase, smart. That's in here.

Okay, let's go.

That must be the chief. We're on our way, chief.

Congratulations, mr. Smart.

Your name has just been selected By cousin cora's candy kitchens

To sample our delicious product.

Look, I'm a little busy right now. Would you mind calling back later?

There's no need to. We Just wanted to let you know

That a gift package of bonbons Has just been left at your door.

Try them with our compliments.

- what's up? - that's what's up. Bonbons.

- bonbons? I love 'em. - just a minute. Not so fast.

This may be the old bomb- In-the-bonbon-box trick.

I'd better check it out.

I guess that settles it. It Certainly can't be a bomb.

Not so fast.

There's still one more Test I have to make.

You see, whoever sent this over Knew that a trained agent like me

Would have to take a Suspicious-looking package like this

And submerge it in water.

I gotta hand it to you, smart. That's a bomb if I ever heard one.

Yes, and it's not a little bomb.

I can tell by the ticking It's a great big bomb.

Get rid of it!

Okay, dietrich. You Can come out now.

That's far enough, gentlemen.

Well, almost all clear.

Oh, it's all right. It's only the plumber.

- that's the exterminator. - it's the plumber.

The exterminator is a tall Blond guy with a big nose.

You'd better listen To him, smart. He knows.

I am the exterminator.

The name is earl kibbee.

Oh, well, then you Must be the one

Who planted the Gun behind the picture

And sent the bomb In the bonbon box.

I'm also the one Who shot the arrow.

- what arrow? - oh, forget it.

All right, hold it, Dietrich. Hold it right there.

- where's smart? - I don't know.

- I'll try to find him for you. - dietrich!

All right, smart, where are you?

Wherever you are, smart,

Come out with your hands up.

Smart, if you don't Come out right now,

I'm gonna shoot up This whole garage!

Good work, smart.

Here, you'd better let me Have that submachine gun.

- it's pretty tricky. - hey, be careful with that thing.

- it's got a hair trigger. - I know that.

Max, you shot the plumber.

99, it's not the plumber, And I didn't shoot him.

A piece of plaster from The ceiling fell on his head.

I'm glad to see dietrich Is safe. Good work, max.

Thank you, chief. Well, here's One witness who'll testify.

And the information Locked in his memory

Will mean the end of kaos.

Dietrich, are you all right?

Dietrich? Who's dietrich?