Original subtitles

Do you hear anything yet?

Yes, I'm... I'm beginning To catch something,

But it doesn't seem To make any sense.

Let me have it.

"Tiptoe through the tulips"?

You're listening to the radio!

That woman has the Worst voice I ever heard.

Yes, but she plays A great banjo.

Ah!

- max... - huh?

- the babies are awake. - so are we, 99.

Yeah, but they're crying.

I'll be crying pretty Soon if they don't shut up.

Max, it's your turn to get Up and see what's the matter.

Okay, 99.

So the drug is working.

They are completely Hallucinated.

That's a good baby.

Go to sleep and tomorrow daddy Will let you play in the swamp.

- are they all right, max? - yes, they're all fine, 99.

- were they wet? - well, one of them was teething.

Kaos will be very Proud of you, mr. Pym.

Yeah. Well, thank You, rhinehart.

I'm rather proud of myself.

I do think this is one Of my better formulas.

Really, sir? Why Do you think that?

Because none of The others worked.

- you left the light on. - huh? Huh?

- what? What light? - the light you left on.

- you left it on. - oh, that light.

Mmm...

99, look. I forgot to take Off one of my snow shoes.

Max, what are you talking about?

Max! Look at you!

Well you don't look too good When you first get up, either.

Out late last night, chief?

up late last night, max. I Had the darndest nightmare.

I dreamed I had Long golden curls

And I was playing billiards With george washington

And he was cheating. Can you imagine That, george washington cheating?

Why not? He claimed he Would never tell a lie.

He never said anything About cheating.

Max and I had bad dreams Last night too, chief.

It's a weird coincidence.

Not really, chief. We both ate pizza.

Chief, the report on kaos just Came through our spy satellite.

- are you sure it's up to date? - positive.

The weather map says it's Gonna be clear and warmer.

It also says that Kaos tried to take over

All the universities In the united states.

They did?

Yeah. They offered the students enough guns To take over every school in the country,

- but it didn't work. - why not?

The students said they Wouldn't settle for tokenism

And they ran them off campus.

Chief, did I hear you say Something about a nightmare?

- what about it? - I dreamed last night I'd keep trying

To find a pot at the end of the Rainbow. And I finally found it.

Was the pot filled with gold?

No, with refried beans.

If it was filled with gold, I Wouldn't have come to work today.

All right, larrabee, thank you.

- for what? - for the report, for everything.

Oh, that's okay, chief.

Well, larrabee?

Uh, I forgot to tell you, Chief. You've got a call waiting.

Anything important?

I wouldn't know. It's From the white house.

Hello? Yes, I can hold on.

It's the president.

Yes, mr. President.

You did? Well,

That's funny, so did I And two of my agents.

Yes sir, that is rather strange.

Yes sir, I will.

I'll get on it right Away, mr. President.

The president had a Bad dream last night too.

He dreamed that he disbanded The entire u.S. Air force

And replaced them with The jefferson airplane.

That is terrible.

Oh, no, what's terrible Is that this morning

The jefferson airplane Reported for work.

Chief, I don't understand. Why Are we all having strange dreams?

It's gotten out of hand, 99. The president said

All members of congress and the Pentagon had bad dreams last night.

Boy, somebody is doing Great pizza business.

What is it, larrabee?

- how did you know it was me, chief? - never mind that, larrabee.

- what are you buzzing me for? - the cia and fbi just called.

they want you to Tune on tv channel 51.

Channel 51... That's the Educational spy channel.

Maybe this will explain Why all our government

Officials are having Strange dreams.

Oh, hello, out there.

I'm jarvis pym, Kaos's mad pharmacist.

Kaos's mad pharmacist?

Yes, that's right, I thought Some of you might be wondering

About all those strange Dreams that everybody is having.

Well, they're not dreams. They're hallucinations

Caused by a miracle drug That I have discovered.

Now I think I should point out

That all of you have Had a very mild dose.

Had it been full strength,

You would have the Dreams permanently,

Never to be able To differentiate

Between reality and fantasy.

Now, you can imagine what that Would do to your government.

Every high-ranking Official, excluding no one,

Would be reduced To a raving lunatic.

Now let's get down to business.

Unless I receive $50,000,000

In unmarked bills, I will carry this plan

To its utmost fruition.

I will contact you On this same channel

Later tonight, directly After "Let us pray,"

And tell you where to Deliver the $50,000,000.

Well, good night.

- psst. - huh?

Oh, yes... I must warn you:

Do not try to locate or stop me.

If you do, I swear I will Wipe out your government.

And now for all of you Having a splitting headache,

Take two aspirins and go to bed.

Pleasant dreams. Humph.

That man is out of his head.

Yes, but what a Diabolically clever plan!

Yeah, but like all Diabolically clever geniuses,

- he made one mistake! - really? What mistake is that, max?

He prescribed medicine for our Headaches and he's not a doctor.

We can get him for practicing Medicine without a license.

Well, that does it. Our scientists Have checked out everything...

Food, air filtration, Dust, pollen.

We still don't know how the mad Pharmacist slipped the drug to us.

Well, what makes you So sure he did, chief?

What do you mean, what Makes me so sure he did?

I'll ask you... What Makes him so sure he did?

Well, max, for all of us at Control to have had bad dreams,

We must've been Contacted in the same way.

For instance, the water supply.

Of course, the water supply.

No, max, it couldn't have Been the water supply.

if it was, everyone in washington Would've been affected.

Well, I guess jarvis pym Will get his $50,000,000.

But that's blackmail. You know what Happens when you pay off a blackmailer?

- he gives you a receipt? - no, he comes back the next day

And asks for more money. Besides, we have no guarantee

That if we pay the 50 million, Pym will destroy the drug.

Yes we do, if he Gives us a receipt.

I'll tell you one thing... Pym won't get us again.

Control is Completely sealed off.

I want you two to stay here and Make sure everything checks out.

Meet me in my Office in five minutes.

Right, chief.

I wouldn't wanna be in his Shoes, max. He's a worried man.

If he'd only get a receipt

It wouldn't be so bad, 99.

Your shot, mr. Washington. And this time, don't cheat.

Hello, max and 99.

What are you doing in Those silly-looking outfits?

So that's how they did it!

Yes, according to our technicians The drug was in this water all the time.

Of course! I should Have guessed it, chief!

I've had some weird experiences With water before... In mexico.

At least, this time We have a lead.

The dartfoot springs Water company.

Probably a front for jarvis pym.

Well then, all I have to do, Chief, is to take a squad of men,

- go over and raid the place. - max, you can't do that.

What if it isn't a Front for jarvis pym?

99 is right. If you pulled a raid, There's no telling what pym will do.

Well then, if I wanna get in, we'll Have to do it in a discreet manner,

- right, chief? - now you're thinking!

- two agents! - right.

- and a tank. - wrong!

- wrong? One agent and one tank? - no, max.

Just a tank? But That's ridiculous, chief.

A tank doesn't go by itself! Someone has to drive it, you know.

Max, you and 99 are going To infiltrate that plant,

- all alone. - all alone?

In the midst of 100 kaos agents?

That's the way It has to be, max.

Well okay, chief. No offense, 99,

But this is the first time I Wish you were built like a tank.

You'd better get going. We don't have much time.

Right, chief. And don't Worry, we'll get inside.

Just don't get caught. Capture means certain death.

Suicide mission, huh, chief? Well, you've picked the right man.

- I hope so. - you hope what,

That you picked the right man Or that it's a suicide mission?

Certainly does Look suspicious, max.

That high fence and those armed Guards patrolling all over the place.

That's enough pictures.

It looks impregnable. How Are we gonna get in there?

By careful planning, 99.

We will climb over the fence.

No, max, it might be wired. We could set off an alarm.

Oh. Well, then we'll Climb under the fence.

You mean tunnel?

Well, I don't mean exactly That, but... Why not?

Why not dig a tunnel Under the fence?

No, max. It'll take too long.

99, I keep coming Up with suggestions

And you keep coming up with Reasons why they won't work.

Max, maybe you could use one of those Pipes and pole-vault over the fence.

Shh. Please, 99, I'm trying to think.

I'm sorry.

I've got it.

Why don't I use One of these pipes

And try to pole-vault Over the fence?

That might work.

Max, look at those People up the gate.

- what are they doing? - let's find out.

Excuse me.

Just a minute. Play nice, kids.

Lazar, don't torture that Butterfly. It's a thing of nature.

- yes? - we were just wondering...

Neal, get off the ground!

Anastasia, don't Kick neal in the back!

You know I don't allow Kicking above the knees.

- are they all yours? - those four are...

Lazar, neal, Anastasia and luden.

Luden is the one Gnawing on the tree.

We were just passing By and we saw this line.

We wondered what You all were waiting for.

The tour.

- what tour? - twice a day, seven days a week,

The dartfoot springs Water company gives you

A guided tour right Through the plant.

Luden, don't eat dirt.

Graze, if you want To, but don't eat dirt.

Excuse me.

Max, that's how we'll get Inside... We'll join the tour.

Either that or we can have luden Chew a hole in the fence for us.

Come on, 99.

Okay, let's move inside.

The tour is gonna Start any second now.

Mr. Pym, we're going to have Two special visitors in the tour...

Maxwell smart and his wife.

This is where it all happens, Ladies and gentlemen...

The home of dartfoot springs.

This is a faucet

und a piece of pipe.

This is a bottle of water.

This is a drainpipe und a hammer.

This is a pan und a ladle.

A pitcher und a bowl.

und we have here, Ladies and gentlemen,

Three feet above the ground,

A water "Schprigot."

Now, if you'll Follow me, please.

Right this way.

Now's our chance to break Away from the tour, 99.

We've got to find Out if jarvis pym

- is on the premises. - right, max.

und straight ahead... Is our tasting room.

99, look.

All the water you can Drink... absolutely free.

Please go ahead and Drink as much as you want.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Dr. Pym: welcome Mr. And mrs. Smart.

I've been expecting you.

My laboratory isn't Usually on the tour,

But for you we Made an exception.

All right, pym, don't try anything Funny. We've got you covered.

Quite the opposite, mr. Smart.

It is I who have you covered.

I'm all alone, if that's What's puzzling you.

Then how do you figure You have us covered?

If I were you, I would look more Closely at my mortar and pestle.

Of course, the old Pestle-in-the-mortar trick!

No, the old Mortar-in-the-mortar trick.

I warned control What would happen

If you tried to Interfere with my plans.

You'll never get Away with this, pym.

We've canceled our supply And cut off your water.

I assumed as much when You showed up here.

That's why I'm putting An alternate plan

- into effect. - what alternate plan?

- I don't know yet. - then what makes you think it'll work?

Because if it doesn't, I have An alternate alternate plan

And that one never fails.

- max, he's mad. - wait a minute, 99,

- if he says it never fails... - aha,

- I've got it. - max: you see?

what is it, max?

Well, it's either a White manhole cover

Or the second largest Aspirin I've ever seen.

I am going to drop this tablet

Into the city reservoir.

Every citizen of washington Will be walking around

Dazed, drugged and Out of their heads.

Of course. And everybody will Think that it's a folk rock festival.

- what do we do now, max? - don't worry, 99.

- the laugh is on him. - who?

- him, pym. - why do you say that?

Because supposing I were To ask you what would happen

If we were to break Out of this capsule.

Then I would have to answer you That the capsule is unbreakable.

That's why I'm not Going to ask you.

Besides, there's only enough air In there to last for three minutes.

You're just saying that to Frighten us and make us talk.

Talk? Huh? You Have nothing to say

That I would be Interested in hearing.

Oh, really? How about the Carpenter murder case?

What about the Carpenter murder case?

See, you're interested already.

No sense in stalling, mr. Smart.

In three minutes You will be dead,

The citizens of Washington will be drugged

And I will be on a plane headed For the beach at acapulco.

Acapulco? Max and I almost Went there on our honeymoon.

It's beautiful there. We changed Our minds at the last minute, though

And we went to the Caribbean. It's also very...

Pretty there too.

Before going to the Reservoir I have to go upstairs

And get rid of those tourists,

But I'll be back for My tablet in a minute.

By then, you'll be dead.

Good bye, mr. And mrs. Smart.

- max, what are we gonna do now? - don't panic, 99.

Whatever you do, don't panic.

Well, max, there's Only two minutes left.

If there was only something that We had to work a way out of this...

A hammer or a knife Or an ax or something.

There must be some way To break this capsule.

It must be made out of Some kind of special plastic.

- okay, 99, you can do it. - do what?

Panic.

Oh, max, we're never Gonna get out of here alive.

Wait a minute, 99. Look over there.

It's a beaker of acid. If we can Get this capsule to topple over,

And get the acid to pour on top Of the capsule, it will dissolve it.

But how are you gonna Make the capsule topple over?

By using my head, 99. Watch!

- I've got it! - got what?

The worst headache I've ever head in my life.

Max, maybe if we do it together!

It's worth to try, 99. All right, ready?

Both: one, two, three.

Duck, 99!

Max, the tumbler didn't fall.

I know, 99, but The capsule broke.

But could it? Pym said It was unbreakable.

He lied.

Come on, 99. We have to destroy That tablet before pym gets back.

What are we gonna Do though, max...?

All right, pym, Hold it right there!

Oh, no, mr. Smart. You mustn't stop me.

This tablet represents My entire life's work.

I must drop it in the reservoir.

Please, let me. You Must let me. Please!

I'm sorry, pym, but I can't allow you To drop that tablet in the reservoir.

- how about a lake? - forget it!

I'm placing you under arrest And I'm confiscating that tablet.

Well, in that case, Mr. Smart, there's...

Nothing left to live for.

Observe... Sodium Calcium chloride.

- do you know what that is? - an artificial sweetener?

No, it's the second most Deadly poison in the world.

- what's the first? - artificial sweetener.

Well, goodbye, Mr. And mrs. Smart.

Not so fast, pym!

- observe! - what's that?

Anti-sodium calcium chloride.

If you take that Sodium calcium chloride,

I'll shove this down your Throat... Not the ring, the powder...

And you'll be alive again.

That's very clever Of you, mr. Smart,

But I was prepared. Observe again...

Pro-anti-sodium Calcium chloride.

If you bring me back To life, I shall take this

And then I shall be Permanently disposed of.

Temporarily Permanently disposed of!

- you know what's in here? - no.

Oh, that makes two Of us. What's in here, 99?

Anti-pro-anti-sodium Calcium chloride.

If you take sodium calcium chloride And max brings you back to life

With anti-sodium calcium chloride and You decide to destroy yourself again

With pro-anti-sodium calcium chloride, Max will bring you back to life again

With anti-pro-anti-sodium Calcium chloride.

That's easy enough For you to say.

I've run out of rings.

Well, I'm glad to hear That. It was my turn next.

Yeah, you never really Had a chance, pym.

There was no possible way for You to do away with yourself

While you were my cus...

- mr. Pym, are you all right?! - yes, yes.

My ring deflected the bullet,

Ricocheted into my shoulder...

Into my shoulder!

Well, 99,

Thanks to us, pym was stopped From drugging the reservoir

And giving all the people in Washington hallucinations.

Just think, max, because of us,

Everyone tomorrow Morning will jump out of bed

And jump into the shower, Grab a quick breakfast

And jump into their cars and get On the freeway and rush to work

Just like they do Every day in the year.

Do you think we did The right thing, 99?