Original subtitles

Correct me if I'm wrong,

But ain't today the day They transfer my boy

Big eddie little to death row?

That's correct.

So what are we doing Sittin' here in this here car

In this one-horse town?

Because control knows That we intend to intercept him

And free big eddie.

So why aren't we waitin' for Him at the train terminal de-pott?

Because that's not the way They're transportin' big eddie.

It's not? Then how Are they gonna do it?

By a very clever, Ingenious method.

Turn around.

The dennisville Federal penitentiary

Is only six miles from here. That's where we leave the race

- and drop off big eddie. - right, chief.

I'm gonna move up and Check with larabee.

Well, it won't be Long now, big eddie.

Tomorrow at this time It'll be all over for you.

Yeah. The judge once told me

That someday I'd Walk the last mile.

If he had told me I'd Have to walk 50 miles

To get to the last mile, I'd have gone straight.

So that's the way They're gonna do it!

That certainly Explains a lot of things,

Like you asking me to come To work in my underwear.

So far, larabee, I'm certain We've outwitted kaos,

But keep your eyes open. We can't be too careful.

- right, chief. - is something wrong?

I stepped on a nail, Chief, and it's killing me.

Why don't you Stop and take it out?

And lose the lead?!

They're coming. Now Do exactly as I told you.

Max!

- what happened? - I don't know, chief.

He was just here a second ago.

Chief, look!

Max, they're getting away!

Oh, no they're not. Stand back.

What a time to Run out of bullets!

I'm hit!

We're gonna get You. I'll kill him!

So help me, I'm Gonna kill that man.

Max, you winged him.

Well, you could hardly Miss at this range, chief.

Come on.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him!

- I know you will... - if it's the last thing I do...

- I'll get that smart! - I know...

I know you will. Get in the car.

- hurry up... - hurry up, get the car out of here!

I'll get you smart!

Try and get the number, max.

I got it chief.

1-4-7-8-3-6-5-2.

Good, we'll call The state police,

Give 'em that number And have 'em pick up the car.

And pick up the shirt.

- what shirt? - big eddie's shirt.

Big eddie's shirt. That's the number I got.

No trace at all? Well, What about the road blocks?

How many have been set Up throughout the area?

That's a beautiful trophy they gave you For winning the marathon race, larabee.

- you must be very thrilled. - I am.

Now we have a set. I Have one, my wife has one.

Your wife is a professional Marathon walker?

No, she's a Professional wrestler.

Your wife is a Professional wrestler?

You probably saw her wrestle lots Of times on television and didn't know it.

- really? - did you ever see battling biff bannister?

Big, tall, built like an ox,

Always wore a black Hood over the face.

Your wife wrestled Battling biff bannister?

My wife is battling Biff bannister.

All right. Let me know the Minute something breaks.

Larabee, I want you to Get me the flight schedule

Of all planes leaving Washington in the next two hours.

Right, chief.

Well, this is a fine time you Picked to leave town, chief,

While big eddie is Still on the loose.

I'm not leaving Town, max. You are.

Me? I can't leave town, chief.

My wife just gave Birth to twins.

I haven't even brought 'em Home from the hospital yet.

Max, when you Wounded big eddie little,

You signed your Own death warrant.

If he lives, you won't.

He is not only the most brutal,

Ruthless killer In the underworld,

He's also the most vengeful.

I'm sorry, chief, I'm Not leaving town.

I've gotta go to the Hospital now and pick up 99.

Max, he'll follow you to the four Corners of the earth to get you.

You'll never know A moment's rest.

You'll jump every Time you hear a noise.

You'll look at Every dark shadow,

Wondering if big eddie Little is lurking there.

That may be so, chief,

But I don't even know the Meaning of the word "Fear."

Big eddie little has Killed 43 men in cold blood.

A sense of uneasiness

Caused by a feeling Of impending danger

Or a state of dread or alarm.

Radio announcer: and police Have cordoned off an eight-mile area

in the belief that big Eddie "The enforcer" little

is trapped somewhere inside it.

roadblocks have been set up

and authorities have Cautioned all citizens to...

Stupid, incompetent police.

They have us trapped.

It's only a matter of Time before they close in.

If we could only move big eddie.

- I got it! - you got the bullet out?

No, I got the stain out.

Why are you wasting time Trying to get the stain out?

You don't know big eddie. He's a classy dresser.

He wouldn't go to a Hospital with a soiled shirt.

We can't take any chances Moving him to a hospital.

We gotta get the Bullet out here.

If you want me to try, I'll be happy to oblige.

Have you ever done this before?

Once, with a contemporary Of mine who was injured

During the business confab.

Did you successfully Remove the bullet?

I didn't have any anastasia.

So I put a bullet Between his teeth

And I told him to Bite down hard.

The trouble was, He bit down too hard,

And the bullet Went off and it hit me.

Reflex action, so I took out my gun,

I let him have it.

You mean... You shot him?

It was self-defense, He shot me in the throat.

I want you to know that Prior to that incident,

I was a tenor.

You guys, knock it off

And get me a doctor.

I got a date to keep With that maxwell smart.

When I find him, I'm gonna...

- he passed out again. - he's lost a lot of blood.

And he's not gonna be getting any better While that bullet's still in his shoulder!

Put a bullet right...

Wait...

Didn't we pass a Hospital on the way here?

Yeah, I remember a Sign said "Don't honk."

That hospital couldn't be any more Than two or three miles from here.

right through Maxwell smart's head...

No no, that's too good for him.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna...

Still, it would be too dangerous Trying to bring him to the hospital.

What are we gonna do?

If you can't bring Mohammed to the mountain,

You bring the mountain to Mohammed. You understand?

You want me to go to the poconos

And bring dr. Mohammed, Tell him to come here?

I'm gonna put his feet in cement

and drop him in the river.

no, the river ain't deep enough.

you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna...

He's gettin' delirious. We Can't waste anymore time.

All right. Now you Go to the hospital,

Find a doctor And bring him here.

Suppose he refuses to come?

Then you persuade him. I think you know how.

Oh, you want me to tell him My little doggie's very sick.

Whatever you wish. Only make sure he comes.

You leave it to me, cortez.

Hey, go out the back way.

might be dark by the time You return, so remember,

we're in the cabin Near the lake.

Cabin near the lake.

The cabin near the lake.

The cabin near the lake.

The cabin overlooking the lake.

Woman on p.A.: call for dr. Glysol.

Hi, I'm maxwell smart.

Oh, mr. Smart, how Nice to see you.

Shh! Could you Hold it down, please?

What's the matter with Your throat, mr. Smart?

Laryngitis? I can get a Doctor and have it sprayed.

It won't take but a minute.

No no no, there's nothing Wrong with my throat.

I just came to pick up my wife And the twins and take them home

And I don't want the whole World to know I'm here.

Oh, it's a secret, huh?

- huh? - a secret.

Yes, a secret.

Well, I've got a secret for you.

You can't take the twins Home for another few days.

- you're kidding! - I know how you must feel.

But it's only for a few days.

They're not up to weight yet.

Mrs. Smart is in the incubator Room with the twins now.

- thank you. - oh, mr. Smart?

You'll have to put on a sterile Mask and gown before you go in there.

Thank you.

Nurse: oh, mr. Smart!

Would you mind not shouting My name all over the hospital?

I can't afford to call Attention to myself.

Oh, max, aren't they beautiful?

I wish we could take Them home right away.

Well, don't worry, 99, it'll Only be a couple of days.

Besides, you need time to Get your strength back.

But I feel absolutely marvelous.

I've never felt Better in my life.

I'm worried about You, though, max.

- oh, you mean big ed. - yes.

Why don't you do what the chief Said and go away for a couple of days?

I'm not gonna leave you And the babies alone, 99.

Besides, I don't think there's Anything to worry about.

Big ed will be caught Within the next 12 hours,

And all I have to do is Find some place to lay low

- where he can't find me. - where?

- rome. - be serious, max.

There must be some place...

Don't move, doc. You're coming with me.

You too, nursie.

Eddie: a rope! I'll tie a Rope around his neck.

Good, you brought the doctor.

- al: and a nurse. - excellent.

All right, you can remove Your blindfolds now.

- where are we? - please, you must forgive our methods,

But it was imperative that We get you here, doctor.

Now, look, I'm gonna Explain this to you once more

Like I explained it to him at The hospital and in the car.

You have made a Terrible mistake.

I am not a doctor.

Now you listen to me. There's A man dying in that bedroom,

And you were brought Here to save his life.

The only thing that keeps Me from pulling this trigger

Is the fact that You're a doctor.

- did you hear that, nurse? - I certainly did, doctor.

What seems to be Wrong with this man?

He's got a bullet In his shoulder.

Ah. Well, of course you Know I am required by law

To report all gunshot wounds.

Except in the shoulder.

- where's your surgical bag? - huh?

Ooh! The surgical bag.

Yes, it's... Do you have The surgical bag, nurse?

No, doctor, I Thought you had it.

We must have left it Back at the hospital.

Well, we can't go in there and operate Without the proper surgical tools, can we?

I'm afraid we'll have to Go back to the hospital.

Of course, under The circumstances,

There'll be no charge For this house call.

Hold it!

While I was in the hospital, I stole a surgical bag.

- it's in the car. - go get it.

Okay.

Eddie: a plane and a train.

I'll drop him from a Plane in front of a train!

Wait here.

What are we gonna do, max?

There's only one Thing we can do.

- I'm gonna have to operate, 99. - max, you can't do that.

- you're not a doctor. - but I don't have any alternative.

I'm going to have to go in there

And take that bullet Out of that shoulder.

Max, you can't.

You're so squeamish. You can't Even stand the sight of blood.

Yes, well, I don't Plan to watch.

Here's your bag. Go Ahead, get in there.

You too, nursie, come on, Come on. Let's go, come on.

Come on, come on.

Well now, I think the First thing we should do

Is take a look at the patient.

Let's see...

Nurse, look at these Hands, they're beautiful.

They're so delicate. Is This man a famous musician?

You're close.

He's a famous hoodlum. That's big eddie little.

Whose voice do I hear?

It's a doctor, big eddie. I brung ya a doctor.

Good boy, al.

Come here, doc. I wanna Tell you something.

- your mask, doctor. - oh, yes.

Look, doc...

You gotta pull me through.

You gotta see that I live long enough

To get even with the Guy that done this to me.

Don't worry, big eddie. We're here to help you.

Enough talk. Remove the bullet.

- what bullet? - the bullet in his shoulder, doctor.

Oh, that bullet.

Yes, well, I think we should Clear the room, nurse.

Right. If you gentlemen Will just step out now...

The doctor will let you Know when he's finished.

Remember... He dies, you die.

That's not fair, I die either way.

Now max, quick. Now's our Chance to contact the chief.

But there's no Phone up here, 99.

Max, your shoe.

Oh, right.

I don't like this, larabee.

Big eddie is still on the loose,

And max and 99 disappeared Right out of that hospital

And haven't been Heard from since.

What don't you Like about it, chief?

Where could they be?

Hello? It's max.

- say hello for me. - go on, max. Where are you?

Chief, I can't talk too loud.

Now, listen carefully.

99 and I have been Captured by big eddie.

We're being held Captive in a cabin

On the shores of a lake.

I'll be there as soon as I can

With every available man.

Now, pinpoint for me Exactly where the cabin is.

Get on the other phone, larabee.

Now, look, chief, even though we were Blindfolded when we left the hospital,

I think I can tell you Exactly how we got here.

Go on, max. Get This down, larabee.

After we left the hospital,

We drove about 12 Blocks and came to a stop.

Then we heard church Bells. They rang seven times.

Then we made a left turn And drove about... How far, 99?

About five miles, chief.

And then just before We left that road,

We passed a place where I Heard a banging and scraping

And twisting of metal.

I guess it was an Auto-wrecking yard.

It was a parking lot, chief.

Then we went Through a long tunnel,

Made a turn and came Onto a bumpy road.

Then we made a right turn, Came onto a mountain road,

Drove for about 12 Minutes until we got here.

We're being held in a two-room Cabin overlooking a lake.

I know that place. I was stationed Near there when I was in the army.

Max, we're on our way.

Okay, larabee, where is it?

Six miles south of berlin.

What do we do until They get here, max?

- we'll have to stall. - how?

I don't know, but let's make it Look like we're doing our job.

- right. - come over here and help me get him up

- and walk him around the room. - what do you wanna do that for?

99, everybody knows that Walking is good for you.

Not if you have a bullet In your shoulder, max.

That's in case you've taken An overdose of sleeping pills.

Oh, well, maybe I've got Some sleeping pills in my bag.

Oh, max...

Where's the doc? Is The bullet out yet?

It's all right, big eddie. We're just Gonna change your dressing now.

- doctor, may I have the basin, please? - thank you.

Don't worry, big eddie. We'll have That bullet out of there in no time.

It's the bullet, 99.

It must have come out when You slapped him on the back!

What's taking so long?

Relax. A bullet in the shoulder

- just doesn't pop out by itself, you know. - yeah, that's true.

What are we gonna Do with it, max?

Shh!

Well, I think we Can get this bullet

Out of here in no time at all.

Big eddie?

Big eddie, wake up. I Want to talk to you.

He can't hear you, max. He's really out this time.

Big eddie! Big eddie!

What?

Big eddie, wake up. I Want to talk to you.

W-what is it, doc?

I think it's only Fair to warn you,

I don't have an anesthetic.

Go ahead, doc. I can take it.

Okay, but I don't think You should watch.

Yeah.

Okay, now according To my calculations,

The bullet should be Somewhere in the upper torso,

Around the shoulder area.

I would say that It would be about

Halfway between the head

And the fingers.

However, I am sure That we can get it out!

- okay, nurse, are you ready? - all ready, doctor.

Okay, give me one Of those things.

- the scalpel, doctor? - eh, yes, whatever.

- would you like a sponge? - yes, give me one of those too.

Are you ready for a suture?

Sure, sure. Suture, suture.

- what about the thermostat, doctor? - yes, well,

It seems fairly Comfortable in this room,

But if you're a little Warm, I could turn it down.

All right, big eddie.

Here we go. I'm Going in to get it.

- are you ready? - uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay...

Ooh!

- got it! - good work, doctor!

Doc, doc.

You've got golden hands.

- I didn't feel a thing. - well, that's one of the advantages

Of working with A skilled surgeon.

Nice. Would you mind asking Al to come in here, please?

Of course.

Doc! Doc...

No matter what the outside World may think of me,

Among my peers I'm considered

A well-meaning, Good-natured slob.

you saved my life, doc.

Big eddie won't forget.

From now on until Your dying day,

Anything you want in The world... Anything!

I'm gonna see you get it.

Well, thank you very much, Big eddie. That's very nice of you.

- my pleasure. - goodbye and good luck.

Thank you.

How do you feel, big eddie?

Just fine, al. Just fine.

And that doc, he's Okay in my book.

- what do you want me to do with him? - kill him.

- what about the nurse? - al!

The nurse happens to be a lady.

Kill her first.

Well, that just about Wraps things up here.

My nurse and I are Due back at the hospital

So we'd appreciate it if You'd give us a ride back,

If it's not too much trouble.

Oh. Well, if it's That much trouble,

We'll just take a cab.

Hold it. Turn around. I ain't Shot nobody in the back yet.

Al, I'd advise you To drop that gun

And for the rest of you To give yourselves up.

- you must be joking. - I think not.

Because at this very moment

This cabin is Completely surrounded

By two squads of control agents.

You're bluffin'. Nobody Knows you're here.

Oh, really? Well, We'll see about that.

All right, chief, move in!

Chief on bullhorn: okay, max!

All right, you men in there, the Cabin is completely surrounded.

Come out with your hands up.

Come and get us, you dirty, Lousy, rat fink coppers!

- hey, watch your language! - that's the only language I know!

- larabee, let 'em have the tear gas. - right chief.

Tear gas.

Max! What did you do that for?

Are you kidding, 99? That was a tear gas bomb.

That stuff is Murder on your eyes.

What's going on here?

Oh, hi, big eddie. They Threw in a tear gas bomb

- and I threw it out the door. - you're smart.

- thank you. - maxwell smart!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Chief: are you coming out?

We're outnumbered And surrounded.

We have no choice But to surrender.

He's right, big eddie. To shoot it Out with them would be suicide.

All right, gentlemen.

I suggest that you Drop your guns.

Okay, boys, drop your guns.

Al?

Al! You got me.

I didn't get ya. Cortez's gun got you.

No no, it was your gun.

My gun got you, big Eddie's gun got me.

No no.

My gun didn't get you, cortez.

My gun got... One-way al's.

I saw the whole thing.

Big eddie's gun got al, And al's gun got you.

That's the way I saw it.

No!

The way I saw It, I got hit with...

Why are you guys so stubborn?

99 saw the whole thing, I saw the whole thing.

What do I have to Do to convince ya?

Big eddie's gun went off...

99, they're not listening to me.