Original subtitles

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

No.

What?

Tights aren't pants.

This is a workplace.

No, these are pants.

Were they in the underwear section or the pants section?

It's a Korean clothing store.

Everything's in one bin. Oh.

I'll tell you what-- bring all your clothes

over to my house tonight.

You can try everything on, and I'll tell you

what's underwear and what isn't. Mmm.

Perfect. Then we can go buy clothes for you at Build-A-Bear.

Freedom!

Braveheart. George Michael.

I prefer George Michael, but this time it's neither.

It's freedom from my dad.

Oh, my gosh, is this...?

Yes, it is. Do-do you mean...?

I do. And-and he...?

Uh-huh!

Will somebody just say a complete sentence?

Tights aren't pants.

(groans)

You look very happy right now.

I am happy, Eli. (laughs)

I'm very happy. You know why?

'Cause my dad's finally getting

his ankle monitor bracelet off tonight.

Which means tomorrow, he gone.

VERONICA: Wait.

Your dad has an ankle monitor bracelet?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, a few years ago,

he got tricked into taking a job.

And then... then he took the fall

for all the illegal stuff they'd been doing.

How did they trick him into taking the job?

They said, "Crawford, would you like a job?"

Yeah.

So he's finally free

to live wherever he wants.

And Camila and I can go back to having sex

anywhere in the house.

But what about your kids?

Oh, no, they're cool.

They-they don't care about that stuff.

Well, wait, I mean, where's your dad gonna go?

I don't know. You know, I figure

I put one of those umbrella hats on him

and just drop him off at a national park.

Hey, you guys should come

to the ankle monitor bracelet

removal ceremony tonight.

ELI: Oh!

I'm in. Just being around a leaving dad

gives me hope for the future. Right?

Uh, I can't.

I have a date.

Oh, yeah? Is he Asian?

No. Racist.

* Daddy took me to the zoo

* Na, na, na, na *

* Just to see something brand-new *

* Na, na, na *

* So many stars up in the sky

* So many questions have I

* Na, na, na, na *

* Daddy took me for a ride.

Edna, what are you doing?

I clean these cobwebs off TV.

That's Spider-Man.

Hey, guys.

Oh, my God, Dad, have you moved at all today?

No.

But neither did Stephen Hawking.

You gonna go bug him?

All right, guys, I'm heading out.

Where you going?

I'm going to Warner's.

They are having a party because Crawford is leaving.

Can you say "leaving"?

Leaving?

Come on, Daddy, you can do it.

Leaving.

Oh, that's a good daddy!

I can't believe we're finally getting our house back.

I know. I can't believe this is really happening.

I feel like we're watching an animal be released

back into the wild.

That's it?

That's it. You're free to go.

Go on, boy.

Go on. You can do it.

(gasps)

(Crawford chuckles)

He probably smells my dad on me.

He'll be good to go in a day or two.

So... so that's it?

Done? Yeah.

Oh, uh, unless you'd like to discuss

some exciting new developments in the federal tax law.

No?

Okay.

Well, that's that.

Now to begin the long, arduous task

of finding a new place to live.

Strap yourselves in, guys.

This could take weeks, months, maybe even...

Found it!

What?

Wow, look at that.

It's a senior condo facility.

With golf and-and tennis and...

Aw!

Look, they have one of those cats

that climbs up on your lap when you're about to die.

What, you-you think I should live here?

Yeah, it'll be great.

Well, don't you think we should look at some other places or...?

Shh. Hey. Hey.

Crawford, you're free.

(laughs): I'm free.

We're all free.

Warner! Warner, she's hurting me!

Okay, stop.

Okay, Eli, get a Xanax and a People magazine.

Honey, stop it. No, no, not the one

with Tori Spelling on the cover.

They all have Tori Spelling on the cover!

(banging pan)

(groans)

Edna!

Could you please be quiet?

I really need to rest.

Okay, I be quiet!

(music sung in Spanish playing)

Edna, please!

What? That no Edna.

That radio!

I'm gonna go up to my room.

I'm too weak to give a specific.

But consider Mexican music insulted generally!

(turns up volume)

This is best part!

(whoops)

¡Arriba! !Arriba! ¡Arriba!

Dad! Dad!

Edna, what happened?

He died.

What?

Oh, so sorry.

¿Cómo se dice?

He almost died.

Oh, my God! Doc! Doc!

Is he gonna be all right? Wow.

You sounded like Marty McFly just then.

Now, uh,

your dad has had what we doctors call

an adult-sized bangeroo

of a heart attack.

A heart attack?

Oh, my God. Dad, please wake up.

I'm so sorry we were fighting.

We-we were arguing earlier.

Do you think that had anything to do with it?

Well, yeah.

Duh.

Boy, I really can't believe what happened to David, hmm?

You mean the heart attack?

No.

How fat he got.

Yeah, you could really see it in that hospital gown.

It is such a shame.

Yeah.

Well, it looks like you're almost packed.

Are-are you excited to finally

get your own place and be the captain of your own ship?

I guess.

(laughing): Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, this is gonna be good for you.

Look what happened to David.

You know, he's cooped up with Eli,

and it-it's not healthy.

Don't you want to make new friends?

You're my friend.

I... of cour... of course I'm your friend.

Yeah. But I'm also your son.

And-and, you know, and that's...

makes that impossible.

Oh, come...

You're gonna love this place.

That's funny.

I said exactly the same thing to you

right before I accidentally shipped you off

to that special-needs camp.

Oh.

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I remember that. Boy, you brought back

so many trophies. Yeah.

Come on, Dad.

Come back.

(door opens)

How's he doing?

What?

Shouldn't you be telling me?

Okay, fine.

I guess I will just do everything around here.

Where did you go to medical school?

Um, a little school called Putnam Valley.

Heard of it?

No.

Everyone says that.

You've got a really terrible bedside manner.

And you are a tiny dad killer.

(door closes)

Oh, my God, Edna, what if he doesn't make it?

The last conversation we had

was him asking me for help

and me yelling at him.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I should've been a better son.

I mean, I know he wasn't always the greatest dad.

And yes, he is a completely

self-obsessed egomaniacal baby.

That's why he's lived 65 years

and doesn't have a single friend.

But this heart attack was my fault.

He extended his heart to me, and I literally broke it.

I just want to tell him how sorry I am.

Tell him that...

I love him.

Even if it means I get

one of his disgusting kisses on the lips

followed by the coffee and anchovy cross breeze.

It's whitefish, and I love you, too.

Dad! Oh, my God, you're awake!

Edna, he's awake!

Edna!

Oh. Hey.

Finally some peace and quiet without your dad.

Do you know how refreshing it is to open the refrigerator

and not have bite marks in the cheese?

(laughs)

I know, it's so great having the place to ourselves, right?

Yeah.

Did you talk to him today?

Are you kidding me? No.

I did... No, of course not, no.

You know, I mean, I, you know,

I tried to call him a few times, and...

sent him a few e-mails or whatever.

A few texts.

But other than that, no, I didn't...

I didn't think about him at all.

So, what do you want to do tonight?

I'm actually feeling kind of gassy.

I think I just gonna go upstairs and try.

Wish me luck.

Okay. Yeah, good luck.

Oh, hey, be careful, you know.

Last time, you... you popped a blood vessel in your eye.

Don't tell me how to poop!

David, it's so wonderful that you're awake.

Don't say "wonderful" to another guy.

Hey, hey, David!

Crawford?

Oh.

There.

What is that for?

I bet him 20 bucks I'd have a heart attack before he did.

Hi. Hey.

Remember me?

Yeah, I left you a few messages.

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

You know, from the time I get up

at 11:00 a.m. until 5:30 when we all go to bed,

it is just activity, activity, activity, activity.

You know?

I see you got a-a cool headband tan.

Yeah, I thought I'd, uh, get back into playing tennis,

and I'd start with the headband.

Ah!

Okay.

Here you go, Crawf. Oh, hey, T.

Hey. Ah, thank you.

Uh, gang, this is Todd.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

You-you work, uh...

you work at the condo?

Yeah, Todd has been like a son to me.

In fact, Warner,

I want to thank you for kicking me out.

I've really gotten to love this new community

and-and my new friend Todd.

I think I can finally make a life there.

Well, I-I'm glad we're all happy.

You bet.

Yeah.

Crawford, we should go. Oh!

Yeah, right, we left our golf cart

in the ambulance space.

Oh, my God, David, you're okay!

I'm so sorry. I got here as soon as I could.

As soon as you could? He's been here three days.

(Veronica sighs)

Sorry. I was away for the weekend in Big Sur.

What were you doing there? My dad almost died.

Well, actually...

I got engaged.

(quiet laugh)

(squealing): Oh, my...

Engaged? But what about us?

Us?

There's no us.

Hey... (stammers)

I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

(whistles)

Yeah, okay.

(door opens and closes)

Pretend I'm not here.

Engaged? (chuckles)

I didn't...

How-how long have you had a boyfriend?

Six months.

Six months? Wow.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why would I?

Ooh.

Be-Because...

well, well, because we're friends, right?

Um, so, what's his name?

Uh, his name is Colt.

Is he a horse?

In a way.

Look, I know we haven't been

seeing each other long, but when you know, you know.

(both laugh)

That's great. That's great.

Do you have a problem with this? No.

I'm just surprised.

I'm just so surprised. That's all.

Of course, I'm-I'm happy for you.

Thanks. Congratulations.

Thank you. (both laugh)

DAVID: Just a hug?

What a wuss.

(droning beep, man groaning)

Wrong guy.

So, Veronica and Colt, huh?

(groans) Colt.

What a terrible name!

So, your dad and Todd, huh?

Todd!

You know, I-I Googled his name,

and all this creepy stuff came up.

Probably 'cause I didn't have his last name, but...

Hey, guys.

Uh, this is my boyfriend.

Uh, my fiancé.

Weird! Weird!

Uh, my fiancé Colt.

Uh, Colt, this is Warner and Eli.

Hey. Hey.

Wow.

Uh, I cannot believe I'm meeting Eli Sachs.

My head is just like...

(imitates an explosion)

Uh, it's such an honor.

What? Really?

You're a legend.

I read about you in Gamer Weekly back in '08.

Oh, yeah? You came across so smart and funny.

(laughs) Well, thanks.

That joke you made about, uh, h-having a business partner

is like swimming the English Channel with a dead guy

strapped to you neck?

(all three laughing)

Dude, that was epic.

Dead guy, yeah...

Wait, what?

I can't tell you--

I'm so jealous Veronica gets to work here with you.

Yeah, she's very lucky.

Oh, hey, um,

I heard you're a fan of vintage pinball machines?

A big fan.

You should come over. I got a vintage

Elton John Captain Fantastic machine in the garage.

Whoa! Yeah, it is so old,

he's actually ogling women in it.

(laughs) Wow, that's so cool.

Thanks. Uh, you...

Colt and I should really get going.

Oh, I just got here! Oh, he just got here!

I know, but we have so much wedding stuff to do.

We have to find a venue, register.

Register? What is he-- a sex offender?

(both laugh) Nice one!

(laughs)

All right, come on. Let's go.

All right, well, we'll talk!

Yeah, yeah, no, okay.

And ball out!

Right on, man, we'll play...

we'll play some pinball! All right.

(laughs)

I hate him.

(thunder rumbling)

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Are you all right, sweetie?

Yeah. Why?

You cried during sex at a different time

than you usually do.

I was just... I was just thinking about my dad.

Okay, um, that's disturbing.

No.

No, I was just... I was just

thinking about him not being here.

But...

I thought that's what we wanted, right?

Yeah.

Uh, of course, but, you know,

now that he's gone, I'm just... I just...

I'm just... I started to realize that, uh...

What?

You know, I just... I just...

miss having him around, I guess, uh...

I mean, you know, I know... I know he can be

a pain in the bum, and...

pardon my language, but-but, uh...

But, you know, I-I love my dad, you know?

And I-I just... I just don't want him

living in a... in a retirement condo.

With Todd.

So...?

What are you saying?

Uh... (stammers)

I want... I want my dad back.

Well, if you really want him back,

then I guess we'll make it work.

Really?

Yes, really.

Babe, if it makes you happy, then, of course, I'm on board

100%. It makes me happy.

I love you. I love you.

Now, go, go!

Okay, okay.

You're-you're gonna want something for this, aren't you?

Yes.

A Kobe-Bryant-forget-about- those-rape-charges diamond.

Hey, Dad, how you feeling?

Jewish.

What are you doing there?

I'm writing an alphabetical list

of all the people I should apologize to before I die.

Did you put the cast

of Menopause The Musical on there?

Kidding? They owe me an apology.

(laughs)

Well, I'm glad you're feeling better.

Eli?

Listen to me.

I realized why I get

angry at everybody.

(crying): It's because I lived a life of regret.

I don't want you to make the same mistake as me.

I haven't.

You sure?

Why don't you tell her?

Tell who?

You know, Veronica.

Veronica?

Yeah.

The Oriental.

You want to... you're gonna want to go ahead

and put her name down on that list, too.

She's engaged, Dad.

What am I supposed to do?

If I knew that...

(chokes up)

I wouldn't need this list.

You'll figure it out.

You're smart.

You're smarter than I ever was.

Thanks, Dad.

Mm-wah! (groans)

Now, go.

You go get her, Mr. Eli!

Yeah? You sure she's the one?

She Chinese with boobs.

Yeah, she the one!

(thunder rumbling)

Veronica! Dad!

Indian food!

(laughs)

Dad!

(banging on door) Dad!

Dad!

Warner?!

What the hell are you doing here?

I came to bring you home, Dad.

Warner, this is my home now.

Dad, I'm-I'm not gonna let you cripple me

emotionally and financially,

and then just walk away.

Excuse me, visiting hours...

Oh, stuff it, Todd!

Come on, Dad, let's go home.

(chuckles)

That's my son.

All right!

WARNER: Thank you.

MAN: Way to go, Crawford!

Way to go!

Oh, no.

(indistinct chatter)

(thunder rumbling)

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org