Original subtitles

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

It's 9:00 a.m. Why are you guys eating spaghetti?

Uh, we're trying to get inspiration for our Mafia game.

Well, how's it going?

(Italian accent): Not-a so good.

You know, the problem is you guys are

a couple of rich kids from the suburbs.

You probably never committed a crime in your life.

WARNER: Uh, that's not true.

From 2000 to 2005,

I stole every piece of music ever created.

And I once slandered Ke$ha on an Internet message board

by implying she was involved in sex acts using

her "A, dollar sign, dollar sign."

As edgy and dangerous as you guys are,

I think we should hire a consultant who knows

what he's talking about.

What do you mean? Like-like somebody

who's actually in the Mafia?

That's a really good idea.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

Don't you remember all the fun we had

with the Nazis we got for Kill Hitler?

Hey, you know, maybe we should develop

our driving game with Lindsay Lohan.

Sounds like more of a drinking game.

You know, you guys, I think

I might be able to help you find a consultant.

I happen to have had a friend that was in the Mafia.

His name is Johnny Johnny DeSalvo DeSalvo.

Dad, how do you know somebody in the Mafia?

We tried to set up a series of Alzheimer clinics

for elderly Italians called Fuhgeddaboudit.

Wha... what happened?

To what?

Fuhgeddaboudit.

Okay, I will.

Geez, you brought it up.

* Daddy took me to the zoo

* Na, na, na, na *

* Just to see something brand-new *

* Na, na, na *

* So many stars up in the sky

* So many questions have I

* Na, na, na, na *

* Daddy took me for a ride.

I-I just don't want somebody from the Mafia

in the office, you know?

What-what if he makes us an offer we can't refuse?

Or-or worse, we can't understand?

Oh, I-I watched an episode of Soprano last night,

so don't worry, I got the lingo down.

Oh, the gagoots on that doorman, huh?

I wanted to give him a cuestamarole upside his scaputo.

Yeah.

He said he's gonna have pizza for dinner.

Johnny, this is my son, Warner.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Whoa. Spaghetti's been in the pot too long.

Uh, hey, thank you so much for consulting on our game.

I'm Eli, Warner's business partner.

What are you, in kindergarten?

Well, he's all yours.

All right...

now who do I got to whack around here to get a tiny coffee?

I'll get that for you. How do you like it?

Up against the hanging meats in the back of the deli,

but my coffee I'll take black.

(clears throat) Wow.

Thank you. Thank you so much for-for coming down to help us.

M-My dad might have told you that we're working on a game,

uh, about the, uh...

(whispers): about the Mafia.

Mafia?

You think because I'm Italian- American, I'm in the Mafia?

Wha... Well, a-aren't you?

Yeah.

But the point is: don't make assumptions.

So, San Francisco, huh?

So, what are you, like, a bunch of fruit loops?

No.

Hey, guys. Not all of us.

You know, I think we should get to work on the game

so that Mr. DeSalvo can get back to the family...

his family.

The-the, uh, the normal, uh, w-wife and kid...

The, uh, non...

(whispers): I'm so sorry.

Take a deep breath there, lady pants.

Now, just so you know,

I only got one rule: I do not answer any questions.

Any questions?

Okay, good.

Now, first thing, do not make all these mob guys

into stereotypical jerks.

(snapping fingers) Hey, egg roll, start typing.

Then the player finds out that this magarole's

been skimming off the top.

So Tony "I Did Your Sister" Martelli

makes him go for a ride.

Uh, what do you mean?

They... they kill him?

What part of "go for a ride" do you not understand?

Yes, badafootz.

What if you actually want to go for a ride?

What am I, a dog with my head out the window?

Wow, your information is so well-defined,

it almost makes you think this stuff really happened.

Are you wearing a wire?

No, I don't wear wires and I don't carry pennies,

'cause Mexicans will strip you for the copper.

Mr. DeSalvo, thank you so much for your help.

I mean, the game really feels authentic now.

Oh, sure thing, chopsticks.

Oh...

one more very important detail.

The consigliere in the game

needs to be a talking meatball.

A talking meatball?

Yeah. A meatball that knows all the family secrets,

like who whacked who what where with what, when.

Plus...

it's funny as hell.

That is a rib tickler, yeah.

It's... it's amazing, yeah.

So, now, the, uh, certain matter of my payment.

Oh, yeah. Uh, here you go.

I, uh, added an 18% "Please Don't Kill Us" tip.

Whoa.

What is that, a check?

Y-Yeah. Uh...

Why? Is that... is that a problem?

Yes, that's a problem.

I don't have a bank account.

I keep all my money offshore.

In a lobster buoy.

Uh... I don't think we have that kind of

cash in the... in the office. But we can go to the...

All right.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Since your old man is a friend of ours,

we'll call it even.

But at some time in the future,

I may come to you and ask for a favor.

Sure. Yeah, sure.

A capilozi vigamo.

(laughs): I mean...

That was easy.

Yeah, I-I guess I was worried for nothing.

Remember that time...

...that I said I may come back and ask for a favor?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that time has come.

I'm in for ten.

I call.

Call. Fold.

So this was the favor?

Yeah. They just wanted a place to play poker.

JOHNNY: Hey.

I want to thank you guys

for letting us use your place.

Oh. Salut.

Salut. Salut. Yeah.

(exhales)

(gagging)

You know, ever since our last three places

burned down in mysterious yet unsolvable circumstances,

it's been tough to get a game together.

How could we refuse?

(laughs) Yeah.

You couldn't.

Salut.

Salut.

(exhales): Yah...

Oh, okay.

Mmm, yeah.

(exhales): Ah... Uh-huh.

Yes. Yeah!

Edna.

Where have you been?

Hiding.

Edna no like Italians.

Shh.

What? Why not?

They come to this country, no learn English

and take all the jobs.

I just hope they wrap it up before somebody

says something that could offend them.

So I bought my ma one of them medical alert bracelets,

just in case anything should happen, God forbid.

God forbid. God forbid. God forbid.

There is no God.

MEN: Oh!

(fake laughing)

Ha ha ha, he's just kidding, obviously.

Look at that face.

Oh, yeah, I get it now.

So, Shecky, why don't you sit down at the table,

play a few hands?

No, thanks.

Gambling's for morons. No offense.

Well, I'll play.

Uh, no, Dad. You actually need money to play in a poker game.

Ah.

How about you, troll on the end of a pencil?

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, okay, I'll play a few games.

What?

Yeah, dude.

It's an honor to sit in a mob poker game.

He's right.

You know, we had several of those Make-A-Wish kids sit in.

You know, the smiles on their faces make them almost forget

they're about to get whacked by God.

There is no God.

MEN: Oh!

How about you, chipmunk head?

You want to sit in, or are you too busy

gathering nuts for the long winter months ahead?

Uh, yeah, you know, I-I really shouldn't.

My-my wife Camila has me on an allowance, so I...

An allowance? Yeah.

I guess your wife has been gathering your nuts.

(laughter)

Hey, let me help you.

No!

You no take my job!

(speaking Spanish)

No.

No! Whoa!

(slurring): Okay!

Salut!

(laughs)

All right.

I see your $20-- here you go--

and I raise you $100.

Sounds like you got a pretty good hand.

Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

All in.

All in? (stammers)

I don't... I don't have as-as much...

many, um, uh... chips as you.

I'll tell you what. What?

You win, you get all the money on the table.

I win, I get...

your company.

Aw, you want to hang out with me?

Yeah. Yeah. I am good company.

No, no, no, your business, your video game company.

Ghost Child? Oh, no.

No, I don't... No, I c... No.

No, I'd have to talk to Eli about that.

Oh, you hear that?

Chip can't make a move without checking with Dale.

(men laugh)

I can, too.

All in.

Well, good luck, son.

There's only two hands that can beat you.

Four aces.

And that's one of 'em.

(panting)

Oh, thank God.

What's the matter, honey?

Oh, I had the most insane dream.

Were you an elegant lady in this one, too?

(knocking)

(screams)

It's a home invasion!

The lady next door has diamonds

and her alarm password is "password."

Hey, chipmunk, you're late for work.

Oh, my God, it wasn't a dream.

I gambled the company away to the Mafia.

You what?

Come on, Warner.

You got to get to work before

all the good tracksuits are taken.

Where do you get off gambling away

my half of the company?!

Eli, I-I... you know, I was drunk.

And-and I was up

eight dollars before I-I lost the company.

And I d... you know, I-I really don't think

that much has changed.

My desk is now a stripper pole?

We all make mistakes, all right?

You remember l-last year when you messed up my lunch order?

You lost our company!

You don't know what rye bread is!

Warner, you got to get all of this out of here now.

How 'bout a dance, big boy?

Warner, you have got to get everyone except her

out of here right now.

Hey. What-what's your name?

White Wine. Yeah, it is.

Hey,

where do you guys keep your cocaine scale?

Johnny, Johnny, we-we got to talk.

Sure thing.

I got an open-door policy.

Unless it's a complaint.

Then I got an open window policy.

Right, fellas?

Oh, they're all out back. Hey, guys, give me an "Oh!"

MEN: Oh!

Johnny, I...

You-you have to give us back our company,

and-and I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

What exactly are you trying to say?

Look, this-this is our company.

Mine and Eli's.

We never signed a contract with you.

There-there are rules to business, my friend.

Rules.

Now, look, I-I don't want

to scare you, but if you don't give us back our company,

you'll be getting a letter.

Capisce?

I say "capisce" to people. Nobody says "capisce" to me.

Capisce?

No, I don't capisce! Capisce?!

Did you just double-capisce me, you son of a bitch?!

It's time for you to leave, Johnny.

If that's the way you feel.

I appreciate your honesty.

Hey, you know what?

Let's go for a ride.

A ride?

Warner, run!

I can't believe they took my best friend.

I know.

I can't believe you let them.

Let them? What was I supposed to do?

They're bigger than me.

Everybody's bigger than you.

Really? Now?

Okay, I got Johnny's cell phone number.

I'm sure we can reason with him.

JOHNNY (recorded): This is Johnny.

If you're calling to reason with me,

forget about it.

Well, I don't care if we have to drive down every street

in this city, we're gonna go find him. Yes.

Eli, I can tell you where they're going.

We really bonded at that lap dance.

Johnny has a warehouse at the end of Anchor Avenue.

I can take you there.

No, White Wine, you stay here.

And try to...

try to get those last two ping-pong balls out, okay?

Hey, did-did I ever tell you that

in high school, I was voted Most Likely to Gladly Change My Name

and-and Move to Another Country?

This fugacci computer says we're in the ocean.

Oh, yeah, you just have to, uh, uh, download

the-the latest operating system and, uh...

and-and upgrade the interface.

Who are you, Bill Nye the Science Squalootz?

(laughs): That's funny.

Do you mind if I... do you mind if I try to fix it?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let me just, uh...

(beeping)

A second to reboot. Yeah, there it is.

Hey, you're pretty good at this computer crap. Yeah.

You ever think about starting your own business?

Well, I did, but the, uh... Mafia took it over.

Oh, right, right. Sorry.

Sometimes you forget the reason you're about to whack somebody.

Tell me about it.

I've had this string tied around my finger for two months.

Somebody's walking around unstrangled-- I don't know.

Eli, what exactly is your plan when we get there?

I don't know. Do you think we can lure them

into a house of mirrors?

(groans)

Why do I have to come? He's not my son.

Crawford, Johnny's your friend. Mm-hmm.

I mean, you don't think he'd actually hurt Warner, right?

I don't know. You know, Johnny talks big,

but the worst thing I've ever seen him do

is strangle a racehorse.

Nobody insults Johnny Johnny DeSalvo DeSalvo

and lives to talk about it.

MEN: Yeah!

Any last words before you sleep with the fishes?

ELI: Yeah. Let our friend go.

What are you gambrozzis doing here?

Wait, uh, is "gambrozzis" a bad thing?

It's a neutral term.

Okay. Good.

Well, we came for Warner!

Yeah!

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here? Warner! (exhales)

We thought they were gonna whack you.

JOHNNY: Yeah, yeah,

we were, but then, uh, chipmunk-head here said

he could hook up my intranet with five-point-oh!

Yeah, these guys were in the Stone Ages.

Th-This guy here thought Google was a type of bird.

(laughs)

I-It's true, I did. I don't know.

Wait, if-if you aren't mad at Warner,

then who were you threatening?

Please help me!

Warner hooked up this, uh, new program called Skippy.

Skype.

Makes my life so much easier.

Now I can sit around whacking in my pajamas all day.

I got to get a computer.

Wait, Mr. DeSalvo, it-it sounds like Warner did you a favor.

Doesn't that mean you owe him one?

I suppose it does, my little lotus blossom.

Warner, you can have your company back.

(chuckles)

Johnny...

you know, beneath all that bluster,

you got a giant heart.

You're a good man,

and I'm proud to call you friend.

Come here. (chuckles)

Isn't anybody gonna do anything?

Hey!

You bet on the Bucks and you lost, you scumbag.

So just sit still,

and somebody will be there to whack you shortly.

(Johnny's voice): Hey, you gambrozzis,

I'm Meatball, the talking meatball,

and I'm in a video game.

It's funny, right?

It is kind of funny.

I can't believe this tested higher than any character

we've ever created.

I'll be your consigliere on your journey from bag boy to don.

So grab your whatchamacallit, uh, controller?

My sister's kid could tell you.

All day long with these video game machines.

He's got diabetes.

The good kind, thank God.

And then it basically goes on like that for the next 40 hours.

Wow.

Hey. Where'd you get that fur coat?

Mind your business.

Our place just looks so boring now.

What happened to all the bada-bling?

Yeah, I got rid of it.

All of it?

Every last piece.

(rock music playing)

(music ends)

My turn! (music resumes)

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org