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1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:03,637
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:06,074
Somebody left an application
for So You Think You Can Dance
3
00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,475
on the printer?
4
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,742
Not me.
5
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:11,079
Mine.
6
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,080
You can dance?
7
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:15,049
I think I can.
8
00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:16,517
Show me.
9
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:26,060
No, you can't.
10
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,861
No.
Surprise!
11
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:29,263
Hey.
Hey, honey!
What are you doing here?
12
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,432
Uh, I've got some bad news.
13
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,234
I just talked to my sister.
14
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:34,835
And she's going
through a rough patch.
15
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,604
Oh.
Oh, no!
What's happening?
16
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,639
And tell him the long
version, thanks.
17
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:43,444
Well, things are a little rocky
with Joaquin.
18
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:44,545
Oh, why?
19
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:48,216
Did she "Joaquin" on him
with another woman?
20
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,385
And her
21
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:54,021
ceramics business hit
just a bit of a snag.
22
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,223
Aw, that's so weird.
23
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:57,358
I heard she
was "kiln it."
24
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,960
(laughing)
25
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,466
Oh, I love it when
he does that with words.
26
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:07,101
Oh...
27
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:08,636
your sister.
28
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,738
Yes, my sister.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
29
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:13,073
Uh, she needs me right now,
so is it okay
30
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:14,808
if I just go visit her
for a few days?
31
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,310
Uh, and the kids
are gonna be...
32
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:17,411
They'll come with me.
33
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,079
Is that okay?
Yeah, yeah.
34
00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,115
Well, you know, you need
to be there for your sister.
35
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,583
As do the kids.
36
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:24,252
Thanks for understanding.
Okay, yeah.
37
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,786
I'll call you when I get there.
Yeah.
38
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:29,056
All right.
BOTH:
Nubbins, nubbins,
nubbins, nubbins, nubbins
39
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,491
I'll miss you.
All right, I'll miss you.
40
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,792
I miss you already.
41
00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:33,327
All right, I love you.
42
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,229
I love you.
43
00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:38,732
Yeah! Yeah!
44
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,834
First time alone in five years!
45
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,603
(whoops) Yeah!
46
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,272
Yeah!
(whoops)
47
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:46,840
Yeah!
Yeah!
48
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:49,677
See that, n...
Yeah!
49
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:50,911
Now he can dance!
50
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,647
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
51
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:58,018
* Daddy took me to the zoo
52
00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,953
* Na, na, na, na *
53
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:04,024
* Just to see
something brand-new *
54
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:06,126
* Na, na, na *
55
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,298
* So many stars up in the sky
56
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:14,768
* So many questions have I
57
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,870
* Na, na, na, na *
58
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:19,640
* Daddy took me for a ride.
59
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,545
Yeah, no wife!
60
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,813
No kids!
61
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,449
Yeah, yeah!
62
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:31,352
Oh, God, what do I do, Eli?
What do I do?
63
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:33,153
First time
I'm home alone in-in years.
64
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:34,288
I don't know what to do.
65
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:35,389
Oh, my gosh.
66
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,991
You can, you can, you can do
whatever you want.
67
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:40,794
Yeah!
Alcohol, video games,
pornography.
68
00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,463
Pornography.
69
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,664
Yeah.
70
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,300
Yeah, you got
any DVDs I could borrow?
71
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:49,036
DVDs?
Yeah.
72
00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:50,304
Here, uh, this flash drive
73
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:51,805
has every porn ever made
74
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,674
up until this morning.
75
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,578
Hey, Warner?
Yeah.
76
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,513
I heard Camila's gonna be
out of town.
77
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:00,648
So I guess
78
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:01,749
it's just the two of us, huh?
79
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:03,984
When the cat's away.
(laughs)
80
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,386
Uh-huh.
81
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:08,589
By the way, the cat ran away
this morning.
82
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,190
No.
83
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,992
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You know what?
84
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,861
You know, this is
my week home alone.
85
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,429
So, you know,
you-you take this money.
86
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:16,730
And you go to a hotel.
87
00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:18,666
Yeah!
All right.
88
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,768
Okay.
89
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,272
What? Wait a minute.
That works?
90
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:26,374
Hold, hold... hey, hey,
uh, Dad, Dad, Dad ?
91
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,710
You will go to a hotel.
92
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,082
I will go to a hotel.
93
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:40,388
And you will not come back.
94
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:43,056
Oh, yes, I will.
95
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,725
Mm-wah!
(groans)
96
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,462
All right, listen up.
97
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:50,130
We are going to act
98
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:52,366
like a couple
of corporate hotshots
99
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,067
and get a ton of free perks.
100
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:55,469
Follow my lead.
101
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,537
Hi.
102
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:57,771
Hello.
103
00:03:57,805 --> 00:04:00,308
I am Crawford Whittemore.
104
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,610
Vice president
of Whittemore Industries.
105
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:05,913
And this is my longtime partner,
106
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:09,049
David Sachs.
107
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,151
Your partner?
Mm-hmm.
108
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:12,986
We've known each other
over 30 years.
109
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,288
30 years?
110
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:15,656
Wow!
Yup.
111
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,325
You two are an inspiration.
112
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,560
And I will bend over forward
to make sure
113
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,430
you get everything you need.
114
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:25,666
Don't you mean backward?
115
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,968
No.
116
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:31,238
Well, we just want to get on
up to the room,
117
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,407
hang that "Do Not Disturb" sign
on the door,
118
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:36,344
and get right down to business.
119
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,446
Yes, sir.
120
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,985
Wow! You believe
this place?
121
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,120
A Jacuzzi tub,
a canopy bed.
122
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,289
Where's your bed?
123
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,024
It has a full wet bar.
124
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,327
Where's your bed?
125
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,963
Got a gift basket
of-of condoms.
126
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:59,500
Where's your bed?
127
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,268
"Jeb Rodrigo's
128
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,237
Gentlemen's Lubricant."
129
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,376
They think we're gay.
130
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:11,612
What could possibly have
given them that idea?
131
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:14,515
You told them we were
longtime partners who wanted
Yeah?
132
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:17,851
to rush up to the room
and get down to business.
133
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,687
MAN:
Knock, knock.
134
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,222
Complimentary caviar
and champagne
135
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:25,092
for our VIGPs.
136
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:29,730
Oh, the "G" stands for "gay."
137
00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:34,635
Oh, my God.
138
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,303
Ooh. (chuckles)
139
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:39,339
This gay lifestyle really
melts in your mouth.
140
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,312
Well, it is pretty nice.
141
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:49,082
Well, what do
you say, partner?
142
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:50,984
"Free couples massage."
143
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,253
Well, as gay men must say a lot,
144
00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:55,022
I'm in.
145
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:57,691
All right, well,
the first thing you do
146
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:58,892
when your wife
is out of town,
147
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,261
you look up
old girlfriends on Facebook.
148
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:05,599
Why would I want to see what
old girlfriends are doing
149
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,000
if I'm a happily married man?
150
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,068
'Cause it's fun.
151
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,437
You can see if they got fat.
152
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:12,806
Or if they married
people that are fat.
153
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:15,909
You know,
or if they had kids...
154
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:18,011
that are fat.
155
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,448
I don't care...
(groaning)
156
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,749
I don't know, no.
157
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:22,783
Come on, come on!
158
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:25,786
Let's look up,
uh, Judy Stone.
159
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,120
Oh, my God!
160
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:29,289
She shot herself in 2008.
161
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,526
(gasps)
162
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,695
The chicken stew!
163
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,197
It have message for Mr. Warner.
164
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,232
No, Edna, no.
165
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,968
Not this again.
166
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,736
(laughing): What?
167
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,639
Edna reads the chicken bones
in her stew.
168
00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:49,176
And she thinks that it can
predict the future.
169
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,313
Well, has it ever been right?
170
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,916
Chicken stew predict 9-11.
171
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:59,920
No one listen
when I call Pentagon.
172
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:06,293
Well, what does it say about me?
173
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:09,262
This chicken stew say
three things.
174
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:12,432
Oh, that is some
chatty stew.
175
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:16,336
Number one--
you get something for nothing.
176
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:20,173
Come on!
That is pretty generic.
177
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,309
Number two--
178
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:26,079
a redhead will ruin your life.
179
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:29,950
Oh, my God,
it's already coming true.
180
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,319
Sorry.
181
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:36,289
You make baby
with your father's face.
182
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:45,232
I'm gonna make a baby
with my father's face?
183
00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:51,271
What does that even mean?
184
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,873
Chicken stew say,
185
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,075
"This interview over."
186
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,352
(gunfire on video game)
187
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,187
Yeah! Yeah!
188
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,722
I shot you in the throat!
189
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:09,857
Yeah, why don't you cry
190
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,491
about it, stupid bitch?
191
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:14,494
Oh! Yeah, oh, why don't you get
your mommy?
192
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:17,030
Ooh, yeah! Yeah.
193
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:18,365
Oh, no, don't-don't-d-don't...
194
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,833
Hi, ma'am.
195
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:24,805
No, I'm s...
I-I-I didn't know he was eight.
196
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,741
Well-well, I'm only nine.
(doorbell rings)
197
00:08:27,775 --> 00:08:29,242
It's open!
198
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,744
BOTH: Hey, oh!
Hey!
199
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:34,014
This place looks great!
This place looks disgusting.
200
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,248
Warner, it's Tuesday.
201
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:36,416
Even though
your family's gone,
202
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:37,818
you still have
to come to work.
203
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,053
Honestly, I forgot I had a job.
(Eli laughs)
204
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:41,889
Here, this was in
the driveway.
205
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,691
Oh, I don't subscribe
to the newspaper.
206
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:44,925
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
207
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,026
What?
208
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,728
"You'll get something
for nothing."
209
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,229
Edna's prediction came true.
210
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:50,363
No...
Yes!
211
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:52,866
What are you talking about?
212
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:56,904
Edna has a chicken stew that she
thinks can predict the future.
213
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,271
I know that stew.
214
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,107
It once told me I was
gonna cause a car accident.
215
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,408
And then I did.
216
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:02,876
Yes.
217
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,544
I don't think
your horrible driving
218
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:06,680
has anything to do
with the stew.
219
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,548
(computer dings)
220
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,784
Oh, you got onto Facebook.
All right.
221
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,352
Yeah, you know,
I had a question.
222
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,355
Does everyone have to post
pictures of everything they eat?
223
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,090
Yeah.
224
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:18,058
(computer dings)
225
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:19,126
Who's Maria?
226
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,460
She keeps poking you.
227
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,763
Oh, Maria.
Your crazy ex Maria?
228
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:25,565
Yeah... she-she posted a picture
of a, of a cranberry muffin
229
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,768
that looked good,
so, you know, I "liked" it.
230
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,203
And then, uh, 14 pokes later,
here we are.
231
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:33,807
By-by-by the way,
what does poke mean?
232
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,943
Uh, how can
I explain that?
233
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,478
If a guy pokes another
guy, then it's like,
234
00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:40,313
"Hey, how are you?"
235
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:43,751
And if a girl pokes
a guy, it's like...
236
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:46,086
(British accent):
"Oh, you fancy a cranberry
muffin, sir?"
237
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,158
(both moaning)
238
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,829
Forget about shiatsu.
239
00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:59,066
I'll take he-atsu any day.
240
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,101
I've never been so relaxed.
241
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,737
Sorry about those farts.
242
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:06,273
Sir, that's a compliment.
243
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,776
Like an Arab burping
after a meal.
244
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,678
Speaking of which,
your complimentary breakfast
245
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:11,979
will be here shortly.
246
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:13,513
But we didn't order it.
247
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,682
Oh, I did.
248
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:15,816
Well, that's stupid.
249
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,785
It'll be cold
by the time we're done.
250
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,153
Why do you always find fault
with everything I do?
251
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:23,156
Because you're wrong
all the time.
252
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:24,658
Like when?
253
00:10:24,692 --> 00:10:26,326
Like the movie
you picked last night.
254
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,662
I'm an adult staying at a hotel.
255
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:31,699
I don't want to watch Rango.
256
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,834
Marriage, huh?
257
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:34,935
What?
258
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,370
Married...? No, no, no.
We're not marr...
259
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:38,538
(mumbling)
Uh...
260
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,173
Oh, uh, sorry, honey.
261
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,109
That's all right.
262
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,476
(laughs)
263
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:46,046
Hmm, well, look who's back.
I'm not back.
264
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,248
I'm just getting
pretzel rods.
265
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,318
Oh, hi.
266
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,820
Can I help you?
I'm actually looking for...
267
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,355
Warner! (laughs)
268
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,690
Maria.
269
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:59,026
Oh, my God, I thought
you lived in Boston.
270
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,294
Why-why are you here?
271
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,030
Uh, honestly, you.
272
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:04,331
I was so excited
that you liked
273
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,700
my cranberry muffin,
I thought I'd bring you one.
274
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,905
You flew, you flew 3,000 miles
to give me a muffin?
275
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,506
Actually, I flew 2,000.
276
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:16,076
The last thousand I hitchhiked.
277
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,645
God, that sounds dangerous.
(laughs)
278
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,848
It... it is.
279
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:24,885
So, are you free
for dinner tonight?
280
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:27,420
Oh, no, uh...
281
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,222
No, I-I can't, you know?
282
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,491
I got the, uh, I got my house
to myself tonight.
283
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,361
And I was gonna, I was gonna go
home and-and look at pictures
284
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,929
of my beautiful wife
285
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,831
and kids.
286
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,034
And then turn in
at, like, 4:00 p.m.
287
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,502
It's perfect.
Yeah.
288
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,738
I know where you live.
289
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,441
I'll come by and take pictures
of you eating my muffin.
290
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,778
Then you'll post it on Facebook,
and I'll like it.
291
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:54,114
Then I'll take a picture of you
liking it, I'll post that,
292
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,849
we'll tag each other,
and then boom!
293
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:59,419
60 likes, minimum!
294
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,855
Oh, my God, it's' so amazing!
295
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,423
(laughing nervously):
Oh, my God.
296
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,225
Eli, help me.
297
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,394
Uh, hey, hey, hey.
298
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,762
Maria?
Huh?
299
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,031
Hey, there's no need for
you to go to his house.
300
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,400
Ever. (laughs)
301
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:15,969
Yeah, maybe you should
go to a restaurant
302
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:19,572
where there's witnesses
and security cameras.
303
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,875
How's 8:00 sound?
Oh, great.
304
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:22,776
Great!
305
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,711
8:00.
306
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,114
I don't want your muffin.
(laughs)
307
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:29,817
Okay.
308
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:34,254
I can't believe all
the free stuff we keep getting.
309
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:36,389
I know. No wonder
so many people
310
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,092
choose to be gay.
311
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,464
Oh, wow.
312
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:48,268
I'd like to bite down on that
and have it drag me to death.
313
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,940
We have a problem.
314
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:55,742
Those two aren't gay.
315
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,644
Yeah, I think you're right.
316
00:12:57,677 --> 00:13:00,680
I used all my finger
powers on them.
317
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:01,915
Even gave them
318
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:05,785
my patented
inner thigh mash.
319
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:08,788
Nothing.
320
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:10,958
Bar's closed,
321
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:13,160
faux-mos.
322
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,363
We're not faux-mos.
Yeah.
323
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:19,967
We're on
our homosexual honeymoon.
324
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:24,337
Shh. Don't tell God.
325
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,674
I can't wait for everyone
to see my coleslaw.
326
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:30,477
It's gonna blow up.
327
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:33,513
Do you guys mind if I have a
few minutes alone with Warner?
328
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:34,882
Alone? No.
329
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:37,484
I-I think we should cherish
this moment with friends.
330
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,452
Oh sure, we can go
make out in the car, right?
331
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,620
Yeah, if we're
in a closed garage
332
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,222
and the engine is running.
Ooh.
333
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,191
Wait, please stay?
334
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:45,392
Be right back.
335
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:47,794
Waiter, could I... uh,
would you like to join us?
336
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,162
Warner?
Yeah, yeah.
337
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:51,198
There's something
that I need
338
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,166
to talk to you about.
339
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,968
I didn't realize
when we were dating,
340
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:57,304
but you were the best man
I'd ever meet.
341
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,907
Life hasn't gone the way
that I thought it would.
342
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,808
I'm almost 40, still single.
343
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,476
All the guys I dated were jerks.
344
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,478
Except for you.
345
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,479
You are the kindest,
346
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,415
most ethical person
I've ever met.
347
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,218
Okay, I'm a, I'm a happily,
348
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,720
happily, happily...
349
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,088
Oh, I don't want you
to leave your wife.
350
00:14:15,122 --> 00:14:16,990
You don't? 'Cause phew.
351
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,358
(laughs)
352
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:21,828
I just want to have a baby,
and I need some of your sperm.
353
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,530
What?
354
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:26,900
What did she say, Howard?
I'm not wearing my hearing aid.
355
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:29,102
Sperm!
356
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:35,842
Maria, I'm not, I'm not gonna
have intercourse with you.
357
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,344
Oh, no, no, no!
Nothing like that.
358
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,379
I-I know how much
you love your family.
359
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,214
And I just want
the same for myself.
360
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:42,882
You'll never see the child.
361
00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:44,251
No one will ever find out.
362
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,086
No, I-I can't. No.
363
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,387
I am not leaving this city
364
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,589
without drops of you
in my purse.
365
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,962
You make baby
366
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:57,264
with your father's face.
367
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:02,936
Hey, nice restaurant!
368
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,612
You said yes?!
369
00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:16,749
Well, what else
was I supposed to say?
370
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:20,220
No!
371
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,655
Eli, she's crazy and she was
doing the crazy person cry,
372
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,157
with the eyes...
373
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:26,259
Ew.
374
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,095
Yeah, no, I just wanted
to end the conversation.
375
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:31,298
Which is actually sort of the
same reason why I got engaged.
376
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:34,601
Edna, what does
the chicken say?
377
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:37,137
It say, "Cluck, cluck."
378
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,907
Sometimes chicken
379
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,010
just chicken.
380
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:46,246
Eli, what am I gonna do?
381
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,915
She said she's not leaving
town unless she has it.
382
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,284
And she definitely
can't be here
383
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:52,652
when my wife gets back.
384
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,854
This is your fault.
You got to help me out.
385
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,757
I got it!
386
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,926
When is sperm
387
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,862
not sperm?
388
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:10,537
When?
389
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:14,441
When it's not sperm.
390
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,010
Okay, so why did you
pose the question
391
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:20,113
like it's an exciting riddle?
392
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,282
No, you're right. Let's just
say everything in life
393
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,151
in the most boring way possible!
394
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,520
Mr. Eli?
395
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:31,024
What is a sperm?
396
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:33,526
It's the, it's the liquid
397
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,329
that made all your babies.
398
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,464
Oh.
399
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,599
Tequila.
400
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,542
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Look at this!
401
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,311
They're charging us
for all those perks.
402
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,346
We can't pay this.
403
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,582
How'd they figure out
we're straight?
404
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,850
I can't believe
we were "inned."
405
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,322
Okay, there is still
one thing we can do.
406
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,724
What are you doing?
They're coming around
407
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,526
with their turndown service...
408
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:07,760
Yeah?
409
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:10,330
...and we, my friend,
are gonna convince them
410
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:11,431
that we are gay, okay?
411
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:15,402
Follow my lead.
(clears throat)
412
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,270
Oh! Look at that
413
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:20,273
65-year-old penis!
414
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,742
I am enjoying
your gay touch!
415
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:25,011
Oh, yes!
416
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,681
Your droopy butt
is my paradise!
417
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:29,949
Oh, oh...
418
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,518
Why aren't you
saying anything?
419
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,453
This is what I do
during sex--
420
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,054
stare coldly in the distance
421
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,856
and think of Wonder Woman.
422
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,258
Look...
423
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:41,461
do you want to pay
the 750 bucks?
424
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:43,863
Touch my butt!
425
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,865
Just a little bit
to the left.
426
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,367
Oh, yes!
Yeah, let's keep having sex!
427
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,701
That's just the way I like it!
No girls allowed!
428
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,538
Penis style! Oh, oh!
Yes, yes, yes!
429
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,806
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
430
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,743
Yes! Yes...
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
431
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:59,112
Uh-oh!
432
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:06,986
You really think
we can fool her
433
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:09,256
by making fake sperm?
434
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:10,823
Yeah, why not?
435
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,559
Eli, this is stupid.
436
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,760
I don't want to do this.
437
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,895
Okay, well, in that case,
438
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,497
then you can tell Camila
you agreed
439
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,966
to give your ex-girlfriend
your sperm.
440
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,238
We can make fake sperm, yeah.
We can make fake sperm.
441
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:26,473
*
442
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,408
* Ooh
443
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,010
* Weird science
444
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,345
* Plastic tubes
and pots and pans *
445
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:34,914
* Bits and pieces
and the magic from the hand *
446
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,150
* We're making weird science
447
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:39,952
* Things I've never
seen before *
448
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,289
* Behind bolted doors, talent
449
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:45,525
* And imagination,
weird science *
450
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,794
* Not what teacher said to do
451
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,797
* Making dreams come true,
living tissue, warm flesh *
452
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:53,433
* Weird science, ooh
453
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,802
* Plastic tubes and pots
and pans, bits and pieces *
454
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:59,172
* And bits and pieces
and my creation *
455
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:01,140
* Is it real?
456
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,510
* It's my creation, ooh
457
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:07,980
* My creation,
it's my creation *
458
00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:14,354
* Weird science
459
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,861
* Weird
460
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,397
* Ooh
461
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,637
* Weird science, ooh
462
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,205
* Magic and technology
463
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,407
* Voodoo dolls and chants...
464
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:45,552
Ah! Thank God you're here.
Hey.
465
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,420
I was afraid you
changed your mind.
466
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,256
Oh, no, I was just, uh,
467
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,023
actually taking
extra time to pick out
468
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:54,694
all the best little sperms.
469
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,229
Why are you here?
470
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:57,864
It's my cooler.
471
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,667
This is so incredible of you.
472
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,669
You're one of a kind, Warner.
473
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,170
Yeah, they broke the mold.
474
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,172
Broke that mold.
Ow.
475
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,340
I want to use the mold!
476
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:09,276
Well, you can't.
Too bad. It's broken.
477
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,344
Thank you, Warner.
478
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:14,180
I can't wait till this grows
into a beautiful man,
479
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,782
just like his papa.
480
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:20,219
It'll be worth the painful and
expensive insemination process.
481
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,455
And the horrible thing
that happened
482
00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:25,124
to me hitchhiking
on the way here.
483
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,260
You know what?
I'm so...
484
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,461
I'm-I'm so sorry.
485
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:29,796
I'm so sorry. I-I-I...
486
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:31,731
I can't let you do this.
487
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:32,965
What? Why?
488
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,601
No, just trust me.
Y-You need to give it back.
489
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:35,935
No, you're
just having cold feet.
490
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,236
Okay, I'm sorry,
I-I can't let you do this.
491
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:38,538
You-you got to give it back.
492
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,773
No seriously, give it back.
Give it back.
Stop. No, no!
493
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:43,242
You know, it's flattering
that people even thought
494
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,578
I could get a guy like you.
495
00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:47,780
Don't sell yourself short.
496
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:51,551
You've got great legs and
gorgeous chestnut eyes.
497
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,587
They're blue.
498
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:56,656
Don't ruin the moment.
499
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:58,458
(elevator bell dings)
500
00:20:58,491 --> 00:20:59,492
(both grunting)
501
00:20:59,526 --> 00:21:00,627
Oh!
502
00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:21,213
Bananas Foster?
503
00:21:22,649 --> 00:21:25,985
You will make a baby
with your father's face.
504
00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:29,021
I'm sorry I doubted you.
505
00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:31,458
This is the gayest thing
I've ever seen.
33916
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