Original subtitles

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

You ready to go again, handsome?

Well, I wasn't until you called me "handsome."

(clears throat)

(clears throat loudly)

Oh.

Didn't realize you had company.

Hi.

Um,

Dad, this is Sarah.

Sarah... my dad.

Nice to meet you.

Are you pregnant?

No.

Then I don't need to meet you.

You know, maybe I should get dressed.

Yeah, I was lying about being able to go again anyway.

What are you doing? I thought

you were gonna give me the apartment tonight.

Why are you always surprised

when I disappoint you?

SARAH: Eli, can you call me a cab?

Sure.

What?!

A beautiful woman comes over, gives you her body,

and it doesn't even occur to you to drive her home?

I've taught you well.

* Daddy took me to the zoo

* Na, na, na, na *

* Just to see something brand-new *

* Na, na, na *

* So many stars up in the sky

* So many questions have I

* Na, na, na, na *

* Daddy took me for a ride.

Hey. Hey.

How did it go last night with your latest fling?

Oh, it's over.

She brought up horoscopes.

You're unbelievable.

She just took you on a weekend trip

to wine country for your birthday.

I know, and then, she brought up horoscopes.

You don't have a caring bone in your body.

Yes, I do.

My bone cared for her twice last night.

And a bendy third time.

You only care about your needs.

Well, of course. I'm a Sagittarius.

God, you are such a...

(coughs) ...pig.

Uh, did somebody just cough?

If you're sick, you have to go home.

We-we can't have disease in the office.

Warner, I'm fine.

Asians never get sick.

We fight it off with gross soups.

Okay, well, I'm serious. I-I can't deal with it.

Sorry.

Yeah, you know Warner's a crazy germaphobe.

Even the word "vomit" makes him dry heave.

Watch this. Vomit.

Don't... (heaving) Vomit.

Vomit. Don't.

Warm, chunky vomit.

(coughing)

Oh, you can see the tomatoes in the vomit.

Okay.

Oh, you can smell the Parmesan in the vomit.

(retching)

August Dumpster-juice vomit!

(vomiting)

(blowing nose)

Okay, that's it.

You gotta go.

No. I'm not sick.

Yes, you are, and you're contaminating the whole office.

(groans) I just need to lie down for a minute.

Oh, that's a great idea-- you can go to my bed; I'll take you.

Aah!

I am never getting in your bed.

That's where cheerleaders go to die.

Well, I would offer you the couch,

but my dad is fused with it.

(imitating Obi-Wan): And he's more couch now than man.

Twisted and evil.

Obi-Wan.

Right.

Nice. Now get her out of here.

Okay. Okay, fine, I'll go, but...

you can't pretend to be nice to me

and hope I'll hook up with you when I get better.

What?!

How little you think of me.

You're so going to pretend to be nice to her.

Of course I am.

You're never gonna pull it off.

Really? Yeah.

Oh. Hey, how are your kids doing?

Okay. Yeah, the little one's got an ear infection,

but, uh, Alden's in charge of the class turtle.

Aw. Yeah.

You don't care about any of that, do you?

No, but you believed I did,

and in that window, I could've grabbed

your boobs. Ah-ooh!

Sorry the elevator's out, and you have to carry me.

I hope I'm not too heavy.

No, no, no, you're...

light as a... as a feather.

(grunting with effort): Where do all those noodles even go?

Well, we're almost there.

Oh, wait... I forgot my jacket.

Seriously?

(whining): I need it.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah.

I can't wait to lie down.

I'mtired.

Oh, you're tired?

I'm just gonna put you down for just a second so I can...

(sighs)

Just until my eyesight returns.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, we made it. Yeah.

MALE VOICE: Attention! Attention! (alarm sounds)

An alarm has been activated.

Please exit the building immediately!

Attention! Attention!

An alarm has been activated.

Please exit the building immediately!

Okay.

(panting)

Oh.

You didn't tell me you were bringing home Chinese.

Dad, what are you doing?

Packing. I can't be around her.

At my age, I've got one cold left in me.

Come on, you're exaggerating.

No. Magic Johnson's immune system

could beat mine, one-on-one.

Oh, my God, I have a whole list of work I have to do today.

It's okay. Edna do.

See that? It's okay. Edna do. Oh.

Thank you, Mr. Eli.

It's my dream to be a real American businesswoman!

Ooh.

Uh, why aren't you going to the office?

I on break.

Okay, first on the list.

Who is Tom?

You're fired.

Okay, who Jamie?

Too bad.

Jamie get raise.

No raise. You fired.

Check.

(sighs)

Warner, what are you doing?

I'm, uh,

disinfecting Veronica's desk with this UV light.

Does that even work?

Oh, yeah. These things are amazing.

It even lights up semen.

Hey, gang.

If you guys are done with these, you have to put them away.

But we're still playing.

You can't possibly be playing all of these games.

Not true.

We're like those genius homeless guys

that can play ten games of chess at once.

Well, someone has to put them away.

I don't live here.

Oh, my back!

Fine. Whatever. I'll deal with it later.

I just... I want to watch Dr. Phil.

I don't trust bald doctors.

If you're so smart, why are you bald?

Fine. Okay, what about that show Girls?

Hey, I'm trying to get erections, not lose them.

Okay, gotta get... I'm just gonna...

I'm home!

Oh, there she is!

(yelling) (screaming)

Oh, my God, what happened?!

Oh, don't look at me!

You're supposed to be pretty!

I can't help it!

You look like what Lady Gaga probably looks like!

I know! I'll leave!

Let me just get my...

(coughing) (whimpers)

I-I... I don't know where...

(crying, whining)

Uh...

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell.

I just, I've never seen you...

Ugly?

No. Stop it. You're not ugly.

I was gonna say, more like... unattractive.

Thanks.

No, it's just... I've never...

I mean, I've never seen you...

not perfect before.

It's not so bad.

Once your eyes adjust.

So I can stay?

Yeah, you can stay.

Thanks.

(groans)

Oh...

*

*

Hey, guys.

You late.

Oh, sorry. I was cleaning up throw-up in my bathroom.

Welcome to Club Edna.

Now, back to work.

What?

I Veronica now.

I take off my glasses, and I tell you what to do.

Now, do something!

You,

make video game.

You, cancel my 9:00.

Also... you short.

She really thinks she works here.

Well, she shows up on time and she's disease-free.

(laughs): Uh... what's with the mask?

Oh, it's flu season. This place is like a petri dish.

You should wear one of these.

I'm not gonna wear that.

How's Veronica doing?

She's doing a little better, sadly.

Why sadly?

Well, it's weird. I mean, I started out

pretending to take care of her, but...

now it's different, it's, like... I do care.

Oh, congratulations; you've experienced your first emotion.

How does it feel?

It's emotional.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's like I still want to have sex with her,

but now I want her to like it-- is that weird?

Well, it's weird for you, yeah.

Oh, what's in the bag? Huh?

Is that, uh... sweets?

Oh. Maybe.

Is it a cupcake? (chuckles)

I don't know, maybe.

Yeah, well, what is it? (chuckles)

It's Veronica's stool sample.

Oh, my God!

(coughs) I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

It's a brownie. Here, we can share it.

Here.

There's a piece of corn in it.

Honey, I'm home!

Hey.

Wha... What's going on?

Nothing. I'm better.

(flatly): Oh, great. Yeah.

Are you sure that you're all better?

You don't want to, like,

puke or something just a little? (laughs)

No. And I should leave you alone.

Thanks for taking care of me, Eli.

And I guess I was wrong-- you do have a kind bone in there.

So... this is good-bye?

Yep. See you at work tomorrow.

ELI: Okay.

Hey, uh... you want to grab dinner tomorrow?

It's the least I could do after how kind you've been.

Really? S-Sure.

Yeah, o-obviously I know it's not a date.

You know what?

It is a date.

See you at work.

A date?

(chuckles): Ooh, a date.

That worked!

A date, a date, a date!

I have got a d...

(coughing loudly)

(sneezing)

No...

No, I can't be sick--

I have a date!

You take someone else!

(tires screeching)

(car crashes)

MAN (in distance): Oh, my God, he's dead!

Thank you.

Thanks for dropping me off for a massage, honey.

I really need this.

Been a little stressed the past few days.

Could we get massages, too?

You guys are staying in the car.

It's the only germ-free zone in the city.

Can I get ice cream?

Before dinner? No.

Can ice cream be my dinner?

No.

Okay, here you are, honey. Have a good massage, okay?

Thank you.

Hey, uh, uh, uh, don't go to a man, okay?

A-And make sure they wash their hands.

I can't believe I'm actually on a date with Eli Sachs,

the notorious womanizer.

Oh, no, tonight think of me as Eli Sachs,

the notoriously nice and caring male nurse.

Who's also your boss. (laughs)

You feeling okay? You're-you're sweating.

Oh... yeah, it's just the habanero margarita.

(nervous chuckle)

We haven't even ordered our drinks yet.

I know, it's just the thought of it.

Well, I hear this restaurant's really hip.

The food blogs described their entrees

as "intentionally confrontational."

Compliments of the chef.

Oh. What is this?

Ox balls in lamb's blood.

These are to be eaten with your feet.

Uh, hey, excuse me, um...

could I have some bread? No, sir.

You don't have bread?

No.

This is a restaurant, isn't it?

Yes.

A restaurant without bread.

Yes.

Even prisons have bread.

Yes. But we don't.

Please?

Edna?

Hey. What are you doing here?

Mr. Chinese potential investor.

He tough, but Edna has his number.

Come on, Mr. Chinese. Mm!

Okay, I'm gonna run in and get some money. I...

Don't touch anything.

I want to touch stuff so bad.

Hey, fella, you're in the wrong car.

This is a carjacking.

Please don't kill me.

Feel free to kill me.

Get out.

We, uh, can't.

We're child-locked in here.

Okay, give me your money.

Sure thing. Crawford, give him your money.

Well, I, uh...

I'm now what you call "insolvent."

But I do have this credit card.

It says "Your name here."

It coul be.

Is your earring on the gay side?

What? Trick question.

If you're a man, they're both the gay side.

(crying): Shut up. You're not my dad.

Good-bye!

And pull up your pants!

WARNER: Okay, I'm back.

Quick check. Uh...

Uh...

Who touched all this stuff?

A man in a hoodie.

A one-earring'd man.

Okay...

what have I told you about lying?

To... not to?

That's right, that's right.

No, I was gonna give you this ice cream,

but now I've decided... I've decided to...

to not to. Yeah. No! No!

Yeah. No, that's a good idea.

You know, I think I'm gonna... I'm gonna eat it myself,

because I don't make up stories. Yeah, that's right,

look at this. Mmm.

Delicious honesty. Ooh, it's so good.

Mmm...

This blows.

What did you just say?

Nothing.

That's right. That's what I thought you said.

Nothing.

That dessert was amazing.

You sure all you wanted was rice?

Mm-hmm.

You barely said anything all dinner--

you... you sure you're feeling okay?

Yeah, terrific. I've never been better.

WAITER: We have the boiled duck fetus on a stick.

(groans)

You know, I...

I thought you'd be talking about yourself the whole time,

but you've been such a good listener.

And this is the fried tarantula.

(loud groan)

I guess I was wrong about you.

Maybe you are a guy I could be with.

Really?

Yeah.

WAITER: And finally, our signature dish,

the scrambled anus.

Oh, my God.

I'm s... I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, buddy, what are you doing here?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Get it off me! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, man,

is that vomit?

Ew, it is vomit.

Stop vomiting!

Stop it! You stop it!

(Warner and Eli retching)

(retching continues)

Hey, buddy, you gonna eat that anus?

(retching)

(Veronica groans, pants)

When are they gonna fix that elevator?

Oh, thank you for getting me home.

I'm so sorry I puked in your passenger-door pocket.

Ah, it's okay.

It's a Korean car.

Well, I guess it serves me right for pretending to be nice to hook up with you.

Wait, what?

I... uh...

uh, this fever! What?

I can't...

even see. Veronica?

Wait, are you serious?

You've been faking being nice to me this whole time?

No, no, n-not this whole time.

Yes, at first, but... but then

I didn't mind.

And now I... I think I'm falling for you.

(laughs) Tricking me into liking you is not falling in love.

You're just saying that 'cause you're a girl.

Eli, I don't date.

And I don't want a fling, especially not with my boss.

Well, then you're fired. Problem solved.

I cannot believe I opened up to you.

Oh, come on, Veronica-- wait, don't-don't leave.

Don't leave.

I'm sorry that I tried to woo you

under false pretense.

But I really did like having you here.

It felt good to take care of somebody besides myself,

even more so because it was you.

Stop staring at my breasts.

I...

I am staring at your heart.

You are forgetting how well I know you.

But isn't that a good thing?

Look,

can't we just start over?

Well... we were having fun...

till you puked everywhere. (laughs)

Just... just stay a little longer.

I promise I'm...

not just trying to sleep with you.

Is that a condom in your back pocket?

Maybe...?

See you at work. Oh, come on! What?

You gotta be prepared! What, you want to have a baby?

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org