Original subtitles

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

(speaking Spanish angrily)

Horriblé!

You're not the only one who knows Spanish!

Arroz con pollo! Dos margaritas!

Gloria Estefan!

Guys, guys, I have had a long day at work.

I just want to watch some TV.

I don't want to listen to you two argue.

He do my word puzzles!

She doesn't understand how word searches work.

She just circles every letter.

My way more fun!

She's also drunk on the job!

(gasps)

That lie!

I drink before I get here!

* Daddy took me to the zoo.

Hey, guys,

I got your coffee.

Mmm, the last pumpkin spice latte

of the season. Mm-hmm.

Tomorrow, everything turns to peppermint.

Mmm.

Well, thank you for getting 'em, Crawford.

You got 'em so quick.

Yeah, they give it to you faster if you say your name is Hitler.

Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.

The INS busted a huge sweatshop in the basement

and I couldn't get up here. What?!

Oh, yeah, there's sweatshops all over this country.

It's terrible.

That's why I always look for that "Made in China" label.

Anyway, uh, the INS is sweeping the whole building

for illegal immigrants.

Illegal immigrants? Sweeping?

Oh, my God! Edna!

It's so sad how many little steps he needs to take

just to go somewhere.

Edna! No!

I'm sorry, sir. I have to detain her.

No, I'm-I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Her only form of I.D. was a picture of a cake that said,

"Happy Birthday, Edna."

They let me get on plane with it.

I don't understand. How did this happen?

He turn me in!

Yes, he did.

He's a hero. Thank you, sir.

These illegal immigrants are a danger to our way of life.

How?

I don't know.

Look, Edna, Edna, don't worry.

We will figure something out.

Good-bye, Eli.

Take care of my mop.

Mijo, you stay with Eli.

What the hell did you do?

Nothing! An officer came to the door

looking for illegal immigrants, and I pointed at Edna.

Why didn't you lie?

Because turning in others is how

this family has survived every major war.

Well, congratulations, you're now ruining people's lives

without even leaving the couch!

Listen, I feel terrible!

Mmm. Good sandwich.

I don't know how

you sleep at night.

On my stomach, so no one tries

any funny business with my thing.

What about your "back thing"?

If they want to risk Vesuvius, go ahead.

I always thought I'd do very well in prison.

It's mostly reading and avoiding eye contact.

Both of which I enjoy.

Are you kidding me?

So many people would want to stab you,

they'd have to do it in shifts.

Why you bring him?

Edna...

How are you?

It's okay so far.

I do a lot of push-ups.

Did they say what's gonna happen?

I get deported to Mexico tomorrow.

What?! No!

Well, we tried.

Is this a big joke to you?

You know what? For once in your life,

try to think about someone besides yourself.

Like who?

Like Edna... who you put in jail!

Like me, your son! This hurts me!

I love her!

Eli, we only have two minutes to talk.

Hold on just one second. Dad...

...you left when I was five; you took away my father.

And now you're taking Edna away.

How can you do this to me twice?

Fine.

Get out of the way.

Edna...

will you marry me?

What if you're not "the one"?

I'm an American citizen.

I'm the one.

Okay.

Great.

Okay, I'm the wedding planner.

All decisions have to go through me.

We have a long list to get through

and we're already, like, so behind.

Warner, baby, please don't turn into a groomzilla

like you did at our wedding.

Groomzilla? What are you talking about?

That was my big day.

Any good wedding is all about the groom-- okay, whatever.

I want to be positive right now.

Okay, let's talk theme.

I'm thinking, "Havana Dusk,"

"Butterfly Fantasia," or "Rustic Rumpus."

"Rustic Rumpus."

Uh, bridesmaids' color palette.

Veronica, what are you thoughts?

No opinion?

Great. Just another thing for me to do!

You know, he's right, though.

This wedding has to convince the INS

that your relationship with Edna is real.

It'll be real. Watch this.

Edna, where do you want to go to eat tonight?

I don't know.

Where do you want to eat tonight?

I just asked you!

Don't yell at me!

See?

Excuse me, Mr. Groomzilla.

Yeah?

Before anything, Mr. David have to get my father blessing.

Your father's bless...

I'm in my 60s, and you're somewhere between 30 and 75.

Edna old-fashion. Here.

(phone ringing)

Hola.

Yes. My name is David.

I want to marry your daughter Edna.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, so the next thing on the list is "Call the photographer."

Oh, good, 'cause the INS will want pictures.

Hey, hey, hey! I'm a businessman.

Let me handle these negotiations.

Yeah, hello, um, I'd like to book you

to shoot a wedding on the 28th.

Mm-hmm.

$3,000?!

Great.

Dad, you just took his price.

How was that a negotiation?

Ah, the negotiations start after the wedding, when I can't pay.

Okay, I can't put out that fire right now.

Uh, the next is tablecloth swatches.

Come on, people!

What is wrong with him?

He's on one of his Chardonnay-fueled rampages right now.

Oh, my God, I said sage tablecloths!

This is moss!

Oh, my God, I can't even deal with this right now.

Uh, let's talk wedding dresses.

Something strapless, right, Edna?

Sí. (chuckles) Yeah.

Ooh!

I urge you, consider something with straps.

Lots and lots of straps.

Okay, well, we'll just leave that open.

Uh, flowers?

Eli, any thoughts?

Oh, uh, I only know, like, two flowers.

So, uh... daisies?

Daisies?

(mocking laughter)

Daisies...

Daisies?!

Get out of your house right now!

I didn't do anything.

That's exactly my point!

Nobody's doing anything! I'm doing everything!

We started ten minutes ago.

And you put yourself in charge.

If I weren't in charge, who would be?! You?! Ha!

What do you know about love?!

Okay, honey, honey, honey...

Try and breathe, relax.

I know. I just have so much pressure right now.

My hormones are going crazy.

Honey, take me home.

I need my Fiona Apple and my cucumber bath.

All I wanted to do was something beautiful!

I afraid to tell him I want a SpongeBob piñata.

No one good is here.

("Wedding March" plays)

(sobbing): Oh, God... so emotional!

So beautiful!

Look at these zinnias!

Don't touch that!

These are zinnias, Eli!

Zinnias!

Oh... go.

Beerly de-loved... (chuckles)

Supposed to get a two-minute laugh.

Idiots.

All right, uh, Camila will now do a reading from Corinthians.

"Love is patient..."

Hurry up.

All right, thank you.

And now the couple will now exchange vows,

which they have written themselves.

Mr. David, I be your wife here and in Mexico.

We go to mall together sometime.

Good night and good luck.

Edna, I promise to try not yell at you today.

I will be a good husband

as long as you leave me alone.

Also...

don't eat food off my plate in restaurants.

I hate that.

If you want something, just order it yourself.

Don't take advantage of my good ordering.

(sobbing): Oh, my God...

CRAWFORD: Okay. (clears throat)

By the power vested in me

by SoYouWannaMarryPeople.com,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

It's up to you.

Mwah!

You know, even though this is just

to keep Edna in the country,

I still can't believe they're going through with it.

I always get so emotional at weddings.

Yeah, take it down a notch.

Stuff it, lady.

Morning, Edna.

Please call me "Mom."

Uh...

that's a little weird.

Eli, I take vow very serious.

I your mother now.

Dad, is she kidding?

Are you kidding?

No.

No.

Whatever. I gotta go to work,

so... You take jacket.

It's raining. (laughs)

No, I... my office is downstairs.

I don't even need to go out of the building.

Edna house, Edna rules.

Okay... Wait.

I spit your hair down.

Hair too messy.

David, you help.

(snorts, spits)

Oh, my God!

Hey, Paddington.

Edna made me wear it.

She thinks she's my mom now.

Hey, you want to do Pilates tonight?

I can't.

I'm grounded.

I have... What am I talking about?

I am an adult,

and they are living in my house!

I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind.

Da...

(muttering)

Ugh, the slob...

(screams)

DAVID: Close your eyes,

because we're not at a point I can stop.

EDNA: Hi, Mr. Eli!

I'm glad you caught us.

Now we can stop hiding.

Hiding?! How much have you been doing it?

A lot.

What are you wearing?

Who are you supposed to be, Billy the Yid?

Edna's dressing me now.

He my pequeño ranchero.

Dad, what are you doing?

This was just supposed to be for the INS.

What?

She started it.

I was just sitting on the couch,

minding my own business.

Then suddenly, her business was on my business

and we were in business.

And business is very good.

Thank you for having me over.

My home has become a den of erotic nightmares.

Well, don't look at it that way.

Sex gets better when you get older,

'cause you can't get pregnant or gonorrhea.

What are you talking about?

Of course you can still get gonorrhea.

Oh, boy.

Well, I've got to find a way

to cool their relationship.

Eli, the more you try to pull your Dad and Edna apart,

you realize you're just gonna push them closer together.

Warner and I have so many haters

and they just make our marriage stronger.

I am so through with the haters.

They're so bogus. Bogus.

(laughing)

What are you guys talking about?

Nobody knows or cares who you are.

Oh, honey, looks like we have another hater.

Look, we just gotta get through this interview with the INS

and everything will go back to the way things were.

When's the interview? It's tomorrow-- and they want

to talk to all of us, so just tell the guy

that Edna and my dad are in love

and had a nice wedding.

A "nice wedding"?

How much do you hate me right now?

So, you two are now married?

Yes. We have frequent sexual intercourse

and the photos to prove it.

Sir, that's okay, I don't need to s...

Wow.

Yeah, she's surprisingly bendy.

(clears throat) I'm gonna have to interview

each of you separately to verify that

this marriage is real.

How old are you?

Sixty-six.

He 97.

Did Edna go to college?

No way.

I go to Arizona State.

It's a waste of four years.

Oh, yeah, they're very affectionate with each other.

They... make love... all the time.

(chuckles): Oh, I know.

They gave me these pictures.

(gasps)

It turns out you can still get gonorrhea.

So then...

I wound up putting tea lights

in these little paper bags, and it worked perfectly.

Again, all me.

You sound like a professional.

(laughing): Thank you.

How'd we do?

Well, I asked you both 20 questions about each other,

and the only one you both got right was:

"Who is the best Iglesias?"

Julio...! Julio...!

I'm afraid this marriage is a sham.

Edna, pack your bags.

No! Are you insane?

The fact that we know nothing about each other

proves we're married.

When's your wife's birthday?

In the fall.

See?

Sir, at this point, my wife and I

are just staying together for the dogs.

Edna needs to go. No!

You can't even make your fake marriages work!

Wait.

It's okay, Eli. I go.

Edna, when we first met, there were times

when I wouldn't eat just so I'd have enough to pay you.

And-and there were weeks where your salary

would eat up almost all of my unemployment checks.

But I knew one thing--

I did not want to pick up after myself.

(crying): And now you're cleaning my penthouse.

Edna go back to Mexico so happy

because of the time I spent with Eli.

You are my son.

Oh, Edna, you are my mom.

(speaking soothingly in Spanish)

Okay, let's go.

(phone rings)

Yeah?

Aw, crap.

Ma'am, you're free to go.

Wha...?! Oh, my gosh!

Wait, what-what happened?

Eh, the government shut down again.

(laughs)

Which means my paychecks have stopped.

(laughs)

Oh, but, uh...

I also teach bowling.

Don't you pretty much just roll it at the pins?

Yeah.

(Edna and Eli laughing)

Hey. You know,

I really admire what you did for Edna.

Oh, yeah, it's amazing-- when you don't have kids,

it really frees up time to get involved in your maid's life.

Mm.

You planned a lovely wedding.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

You know, I, uh, I-I went to the doctor,

and I found out that my testosterone

was basically zero.

So...

So I got a prescription,

and hopefully I'll stop drinking appletinis

and crying all the time.

Hey, guys. Hi. Hey.

Picked up the wedding pictures,

and great news-- I was able to bargain the guy down

to $3,000.

Wow. Hey.

Check these out. Yeah.

Aw. Look at that.

Oh. Aw, look at those zinnias. Yeah.

Yeah, it turned out great.

Yeah, no thanks to you.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Let me just...

Hola. Hola.

Hey! What are you two so happy about?

We just got divorced.

I get half his money.

Six dollars!

(Fiona Apple's "Criminal" playing)

(knocking on door)

This is my time right now!

This is my time.

CAMILA: Honey, are you taking your pills?

(singing along): * I've been a bad, bad girl...

* I've been careless with a delicate man... *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org