Original subtitles

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

(to "Deck the Halls"): * Here I come and I've got presents *

* You just sit right there, I'll bring it to you. *

Happy Hanukkah, Dad.

No, thank you.

You don't want a gift?

I'm at the point in my life

where I can no longer fake excitement.

Don't worry, Dad, I don't expect anything in return.

Good, then you'll love what I didn't get you.

Look, I don't expect anything from you, ever.

Nobody does.

What? You think I'm some kind of loser

who can't get gifts for his family?

Sí. Yes.

Edna, I got something for you, too.

(gasps) A new car?

No, I just changed the locks on the door.

(chuckles)

But I did get you a present.

What is this? It's a laptop.

¿Que?

For the Internet.

¿Que?

You can return it for $1,500.

Thank you, Mr. Eli!

ELI (laughs): Oh, uh,

and I got you something from your wish list. (gasps)

Is Magic Glo? Yes.

The furniture polish from TV.

The one I hear Jimmy Smits uses.

(gasps): Jimmy Smits!

* Daddy took me to the zoo.

Hey, what's wrong with you? Why don't you have

a drink in your hand? On, no, no, I got to focus.

Tonight is the one night of the year that Veronica drinks.

Last Christmas,

I got a long end- of-the-night hug

with an extra boob press.

That's good. Oh. Yeah. VERONICA: Guys...

guys, guys...

guys.

(slurring): I don't always say this,

but you're good guys.

Toast! Whoa!

Toast to the bosses!

Us. Us.

Okay, uh, everybody... everybody listen up.

We, uh...

well, we just want to thank you all

for an incredible year, really.

It's, um... Yeah. Yeah, as you know,

we couldn't have a Christmas party last year

due to all the protests surrounding our last game,

O Kill All Ye Faithful.

WARNER: But, uh,

tomorrow, thanks to all of your hard work...

A-And the incessant pressuring of the humorless chairman

of the Parents Video Game Council...

That guy. Yeah, we released

our first family-friendly Christmas game,

Santa's Exciting But Safe Ride.

Cheers, everyone.

Cheers. Look what I unwrapped.

Whoo...!

Are you gonna move in on that? Oh, no, no, no.

Not yet. She's still going through the "I don't need a man"

stage of drinking right now.

How many different stages are there?

Uh, well, let's see, there's the "Who has a cigarette?" stage, and...

normally that leads to

"My sister's wedding was so beautiful!" stage,

and... finally, the "You guys are boring,

let's go to a strip club" stage, and...

that, my friend, is where I swoop in.

CRAWFORD: Hey, gang.

Hey. Wow. Look who I brought.

Wow, that's Donald Harvey,

the head of the Parents Video Game Council. Mm-hmm.

We were just talking about you.

Hey, I thought you hated us

and everything we stood for. I do.

But your father told me

that you just created a new family-friendly video game.

Mm-hmm. And I thought that we could maybe

present him with a copy personally?

Oh. Wow, Dad, that's actually a great idea.

Yes, uh...

do you want us to sign it for you? Please don't.

Yeah, we're a company that values the family market,

and my son and I hope that this game proves

just how wholesome we can be.

Well said, Dad. Yeah. Thank you.

Thanks for the advance copy.

I'll keep an open mind. Great.

All right, all right.

Let's go to a strip club... Whoa!

(whoops)

Hey, Edna, take a look at this.

What do you think?

It says "Eli," and that's a drawing of a race car,

'cause 30 years ago, Eli said something about a race car.

Is bad.

What are you talking about? People love

homemade gifts-- it's the thought that counts.

No. Is gift that counts.

You need to get a job and buy something nice for Eli.

My last job was at a pet store.

I left the heat on, killed 30 birds.

I have job for you.

I'm not blowing leaves.

Okay.

I have other job for you.

(sighs): So...

you have any experience being urinated on by children?

No.

Well, you'll pick it up.

Rule number one: No erections.

Leave it in the parking lot.

When you're on my clock, you're totally flaccid.

Done.

Merry Christmas. You're hired.

Thanks for helping me find a clean shirt.

Is everyone mad at me?

Oh, of course not.

And your sister's wedding sounded beautiful.

Just put your head down on your desk.

(whispers): Eli. Eli.

Isn't that the programmer we fired

because he looks at people's crotches when he talks to them?

ELI: I think it is. What is he doing here?

I don't know. You didn't invite him?

No. We fired him.

Yeah, that's weird. Hey, guys.

Hey! How's it going? Hey!

You mean since you fired me a week before the holidays?

Yeah. It's going great.

S-So...

what are you doing here at the Christmas party?

I brought you a gift.

Okay, are we done talking yet?

(fake chuckling)

Yeah, I inserted it in the Christmas game for you.

Have a good one.

(shuddering)

What did he mean by "gift"?

You idiots, he obviously sabotaged the game somehow.

I thought you were drunk.

Asians have an enzyme that sobers them up when money's at stake.

Guys, find out what he did to the game.

Be thorough. Look carefully

for anything that could be offensive.

Anything penis-related: testicles, foreskin,

grundles, pubic hair.

Anything boob-related: cleavage, nipples, areolas.

Anything vagina-related: clitoris, vulvae, hymen.

Anything anus-related: butt cheeks, rectums, hard poop,

soft poop, diarrhea.

Uh, actually, I'll take the clitoris.

You two could never find it.

Thank you. Ha!

Okay.

Did you find anything?

I knew it.

Oh, no, you didn't-- it-it's much worse.

Well... how much worse?

Well, um, you know how in the game

you hear the word "Christmas," like, 8,000 times?

Yeah.

Well, um...

that-that word has been replaced with a...

(quietly): another word.

Well... what word?

I ca...

I can't say it. Warner, tell her.

Uh, I can't. I tried to as an experiment once,

and I passed out.

W-Well, write it down.

No way! No! No! Guys!

What is it?

It's in a lot of rap songs.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Guys, good news. We're in luck.

The distributor just got back to me.

None of the games have been shipped. Oh, my God!

Thank God.

(Warner sighs)

Except for the one that we personally handed

to the African-American chairman of the Parents Video Games Council.

What?! When did you do that?

When you were busy waving your bra around,

yelling, "Who has a cigarette?"

Warner. Warner.

What are you doing?

I'm packing my desk,

and I'm... going to the beach

and I'm gonna swim out into the ocean

until I can't see land.

No, no, no, no. That's the easy way out.

(whispers): I know.

No, guys, no, there's still time.

We have to get the game back before he plays it.

Oh, that's a good idea-- let me just take my Gummy Bear vitamins

before we go, okay? ELI: No, no,

he's trying to O.D. on the...! No!

Stop it!

(muffled): Let me die! Let me die!

No.

(mutters)

(indistinct chatter)

Santa!

Stop screaming!

I mean, come on up on Santa's lap, little boy.

There you go.

This is for you.

What do you want? Xbox.

I don't know what that is.

Next?

Whoa!

You can tell me from there.

What do you want? A new bike.

What, did the old one kill itself?

Santa bring you new bike.

Thanks, Santa!

Okay. Now, you ride it every day,

and next year, you'll be sitting right here.

Off you go.

Your beard is fake.

So are your mom's boobs.

Easy-Bake Oven?

Okay, I'm gonna save you

a difficult conversation in ten years.

Gay. Support him. He's a nice kid.

Here you go. Okay, off you go.

I don't want to be his first lap dance.

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

(whispering loudly): Stop it!

You've been knocking for, like, 20 minutes.

He's obviously not home.

Yeah, if you "yoo-hoo" one more time,

I'm gonna rip your tongue out.

Guys, I can see the game on the table.

VERONICA: Oh, you've got to get it. WARNER: Okay, guys,

we're not gonna break into his house, okay?

We don't have to break in.

You're so skinny, we could slide you

under the door like a hotel bill.

I'm not skinny. I'm fat.

Oh, please don't start this again.

You know, guys,

we are overlooking the easiest solution.

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo?

It's so dark.

All right, Veronica, good luck.

What?! I'm not going in there.

It's your company.

I'm mid-level management.

Yeah, that's why you're going in there--

because you're mid-level management.

I'll go down for $1,000.

Okay, but first, we should solve this chimney problem.

No. One of you has to go down there.

And it should probably be the one

who's really in charge of the company.

She outsmarted us.

On the count of three, wriggle, okay?

Okay.

One... two... three.

Okay, upper body only, please.

Sorry. Sorry.

You want me to call 911?

And tell them that we're stuck in the chimney

of the house we tried to break into?

Yes, I think you should call 911.

You just love disagreeing with me.

What?

Yeah, if I had said, "Oh, yeah, call 911,"

you would go, "Uh, I don't want to call 911."

No, I wouldn't.

See, you just did it again.

No, I didn't.

You just did it again.

Just give me a reason, buddy.

Just give me one reason.

Oh, make a move. Oh, there.

There you go.

I got to tell you, Edna.

I can't do this for two weeks.

But imagine look on Eli head

when you give him gift.

I think you mean "face."

You shut your nose and listen.

You sit down, you do the job, and you smile.

I don't get how you can do this and be happy all day.

Edna just think about the children, the Santa,

the Christmas.

Also,

I drunk.

What do you got in there?

Come on.

Ooh, that's good hot chocolate.

Okay, let's see. Who's next?

Ah.

The Shining. Come on up.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Oh, man, I'm so hungry.

Me, too.

Hey, guys, is this the right chimney?

Yes, it's the right chimney.

You hungry?

BOTH: Yes!

Yeah, me, too.

Listen, it's gonna be all right.

I once got accidentally made into a bed in a hotel,

and I was trapped for six days.

But don't worry. I have a plan.

Oh, no.

That was your plan?

Well, I-I thought we'd work it out mid-air.

Great plan, Dad.

Thank you.

Hey, don't get mad at him.

This is your fault.

Yeah, thank you.

What?!

All right, shut up.

Does anyone have a phone?

I do, but I can't get it. It's in my pocket.

Veronica, you're gonna have to dig it out for me.

I'd rather die in here.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Really? Yeah.

Oh. Almost.

You almost got it.

It's almost there.

Merry Christmas, buddy.

Merry Christmas, buddy.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

He's asleep.

Of course, Santa loves all his reindeer.

Rudolph, Johnny,

Dave,

Antler-head,

Pellet Poops...

(laughing, phone rings)

Hold that thought.

Eli?

You what?!

Hi, Mr. Eli, Mr. Warner,

Mr. Crawford, Miss China Lady.

Hi. Hi.

Hola.

Okay, how do you want me to help you to get out of there?

What are you talking about?

You knew we were stuck in a chimney,

and you didn't bring rope?

What are you thinking?!

Oh, you're stuck in a chimney, and I'm the idiot!

Yeah, well, he's kind of got us there.

Hang on.

Okay, I'm lowering this cheap, plastic belt down to you,

so don't pull too... hard!

Dad, why are you in a Santa outfit?

It was supposed to be a surprise,

but I got a job to buy you a gift.

Happy Hanukkah, Eli.

Hmm. I... I can't believe it.

Thank you, Dad.

What is it?

Well... it was a goldfish.

(coughing)

Now it feels like Christmas.

Ugh.

It's also for your birthday.

Are we gonna die in here?

I hope so. I'm done.

No one is going to die tonight!

Jimmy Smits, make me slippery.

(loud coughing)

Somebody say something.

I've got, like, nine billion more houses to hit tonight.

We... we are... we are so sorry.

The-the game that you received is-is not the final version.

So the game I was supposed to receive

doesn't say the most offensive word

in the English language 5,000 times?

Ah, you already played it.

Yeah.

If we could just take our game...

and wish you a merry Chri...

a happy holidays,

and then go?

You've got some scary-looking masks on your wall.

You know, I've hated every game you guys have done,

but this time... this time, I actually liked it.

You did?

Yeah. I mean, the story was great,

the game-play was smooth.

The word didn't ruin it for you? I mean...

I mean, I was shocked and upset at first,

especially when Rudolph said it.

Ugh.

Yeah. Yeah.

But then I figured, you know, it probably was put in there

by some angry programmer, you know, some guy you fired.

A crotch-starer.

Ah.

A racist crotch-starer.

See, I knew it was something like that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Well, the point is,

I'm okay with your product.

Wow. I...

I have to tell you-- your opinion--

it-it actually means a lot to us.

Yeah? WARNER: Yeah, it does.

Yeah. Well,

it's my wife

who wants to kill you both.

Your wife? Yeah.

WARNER: Hey. ELI: Hey.

WARNER: Hey.

Are these the racist sons of bitches

who ruined our Christmas?!

You know, your husband--

he black.

You know, you racist fools need to learn a few...

Honey? No, don't honey me!

Why would you let these people into my house?!

These people?

Wow.

Ma'am, we're really sorry if we have...

if-if we've... if we've offended your peop...

our people. Yeah.

Every people.

All people. All the people.

Oh. WARNER: Yeah. All...

'Cause that word is hurtful.

Yeah. Yes. Sí.

Hateful.

(all voice assent)

And it's our word.

ALL: Well...

What?!

Yes. Yes. Sí.

Yeah. Yes. Sí.

Now, you all get out of my house before I show you

how a girl from Greenwich, Connecticut likes to party.

Ooh. (laughs)

Boy. White women. Am I right?

I'm so sorry.