Original subtitles

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, uh, do you know any good place to get Thai food?

I said, can you recommend a good Thai restaurant?

And you're asking me?

Yeah, obviously.

Why me?

Because you have a cousin named Wai Mi.

(whining): Warner, Eli's being racist.

Eli, stop being racist.

(whining): Veronica won't give me

Thai restaurant recommendations.

Veronica, give Eli Thai restaurant recommendations.

But I don't eat Thai.

Everything tastes like spicy pets.

Now you' being racist. (scoffs)

You're not racist if you're making fun of your own race.

Hey, hey. Let's just leave what's racist

up to the white media, okay?

* Daddy took me to the zoo

* Na, na, na, na *

* Just to see something brand-new *

* Na, na, na *

* So many stars up in the sky

* So many questions have I

* Na, na, na, na *

* Daddy took me for a ride.

Dad, I just bought this conditioner yesterday.

How did you already use it all?

Don't ask questions you don't want

to hear the answer to.

Did you eat the last of the cereal?

And the last of the eggs?

I lost a lot of protein in the shower.

How you drink so much coffee then snore all day?

I don't snore.

Sí, you snore.

You tilt your big fat head back,

open big fat mouth

and make sound like big fat Jewish donkey.

Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Hee-haw!

You're on the phone all day,

yakkata bappita, cinco de cinco.

What do you even talk about?

"I'm vacuuming. What are you doing?"

"Vacuuming."

You make that up.

This is the worst episode of Crossfire ever.

Listen, Dad,

from now on, no more eating my food without my permission.

What are you doing?

Oh, if you want something, you can just come down to my office

and ask for it.

You can't lock the fridge.

I need food to live.

I know.

(phone ringing)

This not a good time.

Vacuuming.

(snoring softly)

Dad, wake up! Ah! (mutters)

You almost set yourself on fire, Crawford.

Well, never mind that.

I just dreamed a million-dollar idea.

Really? Yeah.

You know how so many of our parents are dead?

Oh, cha-ching.

Okay, what if there was a service where you could call

and have two people who look vaguely like your dead parents

come over and hang out?

Huh?

Just imagine, uh, the thrill o-of playing catch

with a-a stranger who, if you take your glasses off,

could be your dad.

Would he come and fall asleep on the couch with a lit cigar

in his mouth like you just did?

I'm sorry, Smokey the Bear.

That's how I do my best thinking.

Okay, what if the cigar caught the couch on fire

and the flames hit the scotch?

What am I, a scientist?

Okay, if you fall asleep just one more time

with a lit cigar in your mouth, I will take bug spray

and a lighter and I will set you on fire myself. Okay?

I'm gonna do it.

Well, it sounds like you might soon be in the market

for a look-alike dad.

Dad, this just says "Business."

Yeah. It's from a board game.

The others say "Pleasure" and "Sex."

(chuckles)

Hey.

Those are the carnitas that Edna made special for me.

You don't want something eaten, don't leave it in the fridge.

But... h...

how did you... They haven't made the refrigerator

I can't break food out of.

By the way,

I refilled the ice tray.

You're welcome.

Dad, there was a clean towel in here when I left this morning.

You mean this one?

Sorry, I'm saving it for my shower.

No, no. I gave you towels.

Whenever you use mine, they wind up looking

like they're from a World War One hospital.

I don't even know what bodily fluids are those colors.

It's the black blood from my toes.

You should be getting that in about six years.

Give me the towel, Dad. It's mine.

I'll only use one side; the rest is all yours.

Both sides are mine.

Give me the towel.

Edna! Stop him before he gets to the bathroom!

Copy that, boss!

I don't want to kill you, Edna, but I will.

Edna laughs at death.

(laughs)

Nice work, Edna. Thank you. Give me the towel, Dad.

No. No. No. You give me that towel, Dad.

Give me the towel! (grunts)

Fine! (shouts)

(thump) Ooh, my head!

Dad, are you okay?

Ooh. He need towel.

I can't believe the emergency room

took all those other people before me.

Dad, a cable car tipped over.

People lost limbs; you got two stitches.

Still, I signed in first.

(knocking)

Hey, I got your text. Hey.

David, how are you feeling?

I feel like "shut up and give me my painkillers."

Here, here. My goodness.

CRAWFORD: Here, David,

wash it down with this. Uh, no.

No, no, no. No, no, Dad.

You're not supposed to drink alcohol with... Okay.

Oh.

Now, I find if you do

everything the prescription label says not to,

it works better. (chuckles)

Double the don'ts, triple the buzz.

(doorbell rings)

Eli Sachs?

Yes.

I'm Special Officer Silverton.

Immigration!

Won't you please come in?

Um, I'm sorry, Officer Silverton.

It's just a little chaotic.

My dad bumped his head; we spent the night in the E.R.

I know.

When there's an injury involving an elderly parent,

we're automatically sent to investigate.

Ma'am.

You'd be surprised how many children

are driven to commit acts of violence

against their elderly parents.

What? You think that I did this?

Oh, my gosh, believe me,

if I had wanted to hurt my dad, he wouldn't even have a head.

(chuckles): Am I right? Like...

(Eli and Warner laughing)

Well, I'm glad I didn't mention

that anything you say can be used against you,

because now I'm going to use that against you.

Whoa, whoa, hey,

you're not going to find a more caring son than Eli here.

Thank you, buddy. I appreciate that. Yeah.

Who chained the refrigerator shut?

Eli.

But, uh, in his defense,

his dad ate all of his eggs and he was...

Going to cut his head off?

Yeah. No!

No! No! No.

No, I would never do that. Dad, tell him.

Man, that whiskey pushed my painkillers into high gear.

You allowed your father to take narcotics with alcohol?

Oh, come on, what's the big deal?

My son does that all the time.

(chuckles)

He says it's easier

to have me unconscious and out of his hair.

(Warner and Crawford laughing)

That's crazy.

I love you in my hair.

(laughing)

Yeah, I wish his wife did.

She wants to make a flamethrower

out of bug spray and set me on fire.

Okay, that's a threat of bodily harm.

By law, I have to remove you from the premises.

What, like, w-we're under arrest?

No, I need to remove your fathers

and relocate them to a safe place.

Wait, so-so we-we get to stay here?

Uh, actually, I don't care what you do.

My job description is not "scumbag party planner."

Will we get new identities?

I've always wanted to be Nick.

(door closes)

Well, if he says it's safe. Well, if you have to.

I mean, laws are laws. Yeah.

Take them away. Yes.

Did that just actually happen? I mean...

Oh, my God!

(laughing)

Let's hang out, man, yeah. Watch a movie or something.

Edna, why are you hiding?

Eli,

there is a chance I may not be legal.

Wh-What kind of chance?

100%.

This is crazy.

You just let them take your dads away?

No, no, no, we did everything we could.

We said, "Hey," and...

...stuff like that.

You don't even know where they took them.

Sure we do-- away.

(chuckles)

Yeah, so don't tell us we don't care.

Warner, he's your father.

Oh, don't get all "he's your father" on me.

You're the one who threatened to set him on fire.

You pushed this into felony territory.

ELI: Hey, hey.

This isn't about whose fault it is, okay?

We all know whose fault it is.

It's about just once not hearing my dad's theory

that Sully Sullenberger crashed his plane on purpose.

Yeah, or my dad's theory that John F. Kennedy

actually committed suicide.

I ju... I don't understand

how you guys are not out looking your dads.

I mean, our cat was missing for half an hour,

and you were all over town looking for it.

Honey, Bootsy was like family.

Wait a minute.

Bootsy ran away?

You...

You told me that she went to live

with a rich lady in a castle.

It's okay, Eli.

Don't touch me.

(sighs): Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

What a beautiful dad-free morning.

Oh, it was so nice

not to wake up at 5:30 a.m.

with a blast of I Love Lucy followed by someone yelling,

"Women aren't funny!"

(Warner chuckles)

It's so great not coming home to a 68-year-old man

stuck in your doggy door. (laughs)

Wait... so your dads are just gone and you guys don't care?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We'll clear all this up

and get 'em back in a couple of weeks,

or however long it takes to fill out the one-page form.

Right, yeah.

Well, don't wait too long.

Elder foster care is crazy.

I saw this thing on the news

where they drugged them and fed them dog food.

Hey, some of that dog food on TV looks pretty good.

Like that one with the real chunks of sirloin. Mmm.

I mean, I know it costs more than regular dog food,

but I'm worth it.

"Elder foster care abuse."

Oh, my God...

Wait, look at these pictures.

Wow, she's right.

Ew.

Oh, gross.

BOTH: Ew!

Oh, no, this lady's got a smile on her face.

Wait, that's not her face.

BOTH: Ew!

Oh, my God.

Hey, what if... some sadistic monster

is torturing our dads right now?

* So welcome to our happy home *

* I am Ben * And I am Joan

* Your children beat you black and blue *

* With a book or with a shoe... *

We get it! Yeah.

We get it, you're nice people.

Welcome home.

Oh. (chuckles)

This is great.

The only time I get hugged at home

is when they're pushing my hernia back in.

Ah, ah!

Just the woman.

Oh! Uh, yeah, right.

Hey, Donny and Marie, where's the bathroom?

Oh! Tinkle Center is right over here.

Wow!

That's the Royal Flush 3000.

Well...

you've got quite the fecal eye, mister.

You could put a loaf of French bread down that thing

and find it bobbing in the ocean, not even bent.

Mm-hmm.

Mind if I take her for a spin?

Oh, sure. Just-just don't flush it while you're still on it.

It'll suck your heart out.

It already has.

You know, I once made the mistake

of telling a talking parrot my credit card number.

$8,000 and two court cases later,

I have a newfound respect for the animal kingdom.

Yeah.

You know, animals instinctively want to entertain us.

That's why bears love riding bicycles

while being whipped.

Hmm?

Well, you're a hoot!

Yeah, you guys sure are.

And I got to tell you,

"hoot" is the highest compliment we give.

It's true.

I've only met three hoots in my entire life,

and I'm looking at two of 'em.

Uh, excuse me, where are your, uh, coasters?

Coasters?

You are an enormous silly goose, mister.

You just put your drink wherever you want.

Really?

Mm-hmm. (laughs)

(chuckling)

Huh.

See, we like having rings on our furniture.

Reminds us of all the nice older people

we've had the privilege of sheltering.

Huh. Mm-hmm.

This was Gus.

His daughter hit him over the head

with a snow shovel.

He sure hated Christmas. (giggles)

All right, this is Earl.

Earl's daughter waterboarded him.

That's horrible.

Well, they actually got some pretty useful information.

Uh, California has so many weird town names.

I know!

"Vista del Negro."

Can they even have that sign?

How much further away is it?

The, uh, the Find-a-Phone app says five miles.

I-I can't get some of those abuse images out of my head.

Ugh, right?

Especially that one with the, uh...

Yeah.

Or-or the ones with, uh...

Oh, God, don't remind me.

How about that one with...

No, I didn't see that one.

I didn't see that one.

Nobody better be sewing our dads together

to make a human centipede.

Actually, you need three to make a human centipede.

Oh, you're right. I'm so embarrassed.

Well, I am never gonna fight with my dad again.

He can even walk in on me having sex,

and I'm not gonna yell at him to leave.

Really?

You're going to let your dad watch you having sex?

Well, he never came to my Little League games.

It's kind of the same thing.

Not really.

Well, the point is,

we are going to be the most loving and tolerant sons ever.

Hear, hear.

We're never gonna be like that.

No, no.

But even us just talking about it

makes us the most awesome sons ever.

Hear, hear. Yeah.

No, no, no. Turn off here, here. Oh.

Rocky. Black Swan.

Rocky 2. All That Jazz.

Rocky 3. Footloose!

CRAWFORD: Uh, The Last Temptation of Christ.

Ice Castles!

Yes, Ice Castles! Yes!

Yes, yes! Oh, you got it! Yes!

You're so good. No, you're the good one.

Good. You're the good one!

I know. You're the good one.

Okay, who's next?

All right, David, you are up.

David! Go, David.

(whoops) Come on, come on, David.

Come on. Here we go.

All right.

Apollo 13. CRAWFORD: No.

Okay.

Again, you're not supposed to just

say the title out loud, but you...

You know, I'm gonna give you a point anyway,

'cause this time, you didn't just throw it into the fire.

What can I say?

I'm having fun. (laughs)

All right, you sickos, get away from our dads!

Warner, check to see they haven't been sewn together.

Oh, I can... I can kind of see that they haven't.

David, Crawford, stand behind me.

I will protect you

like a panty shield of righteousness.

And I have put a fresh pea in my rape whistle,

so it'll be good and loud, I guarantee you that.

It's okay. We got this.

Yeah.

What are you doing here, Eli?

Dad, listen,

I'm sorry that we fought before.

You mean more to me than most of my towels.

And, Dad,

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

It's just, Camila and I worry so much

that you're gonna destroy our home,

business and children, that we, uh...

we-we overreact.

So come on, we're taking you guys out of here.

We'll sort it out with Social Services in the morning.

Let's go. No, thanks.

What do you mean?

We like it here.

And we are no longer a burden to you.

Wait... come on.

This isn't about your happiness.

This is about our guilty conscience.

So let's go.

They haven't even met their roommates.

They're a couple of hoots.

Now you're up to four hoots, and you've lost my trust.

Wait a minute.

What roommates?

Us.

Who the hell are they?

Our mothers.

I'll take Country Club, you take Bowling Alley.

Yeah.

They moved in a year ago for "just a few days."

Wait a minute.

You're trying to fix up our dads with your moms?

We need someone to marry them

to get them out of our house. Yeah.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Hey, not so fast.

My secret garden needs tending.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Dad, Dad, Dad!

You can stop saying that.

We've been driving for a half hour.

I'm sorry, I'm just so full of adrenaline.

Yeah, I can't believe you hit that woman.

Yeah. (laughs)

I feel like Sean Connery.

I'm still not sure that was a woman.

Excuse me, I'm here...

Hang on, I'm not done with this story

about Kelly Clarkson finding true love.

Aw...

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you say you were hot?

I'm just here to inspect your fire extinguisher.

Oh, I better help you.

It's really hard to find.

There it is. Hmm?

Uh... yeah, that... that might be it.

All you guys are so brave.

I-I have a cousin who's a firefighter in Vista Del Negro.

Oh, well, I love Vista Del Negro.

I live one town over in Yorba Vulva.

We're back! (whoops)

(whoops) Operation: Rescue Dads

From Nice People With Creepy Moms

was a huge success!

So you guys enjoying having your dads back?

Yeah. And the neighbors missed my dad's robe blowing open

when he gets the paper.

Yeah, my dad flooded the bathroom this morning

trying to flush a loaf of French bread down the toilet.

He just kept flushing and yelling,

"You can do it! You can do it!"

(Edna speaking angrily in Spanish) Speak of the devil.

Hey.

Hey, hey! What's going on?

Mr. Eli, your father won't let me watch my favorite show:

The Real Housewives of Guadalajara.

I want to watch Homeland.

EDNA: Always same!

"I crazy, I crazy..."

Ka-boom!

Guys, we live in the future.

We can DVR both shows.

What? ¿Que?

FIREMAN: Okay...

¡Inmigración!

(grunting)

They never take Edna alive!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org