Original subtitles

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

(sighs)

Dad, I know how much that excites your nipples,

but please get out of my way.

I need the light; I was reading the newspaper.

What? Get out of here.

You are in my way every morning.

You're in my way every morning.

I have to work, you have nothing. I do stuff.

Ask Edna.

He do nothing.

Get out of the house.

It's San Francisco; there's so much to see.

You can go to Alcatraz.

I don't need to see a prison.

I was married to your mother.

See the trolley cars.

No, thanks, I'm straight.

Chinatown?

All Chinatowns look alike to me.

Whatever, Dad, you can't keep doing this.

I'm gonna be late for work.

You work two floors down.

Yeah, but I still have to eat and then I have to shower.

Okay, you good to go.

* Daddy took me to the zoo

* Na, na, na, na *

* Just to see something brand-new *

* Na, na, na *

* So many stars up in the sky

* So many questions have I

* Na, na, na, na *

* Daddy took me for a ride.

Look, I-I know you're really upset that Eli ended

the relationship, but I can assure you,

he-he had the best intentions.

Where is that coward?

WARNER: Well, see, I'm here

to break up with you for him,

so if there's anything you want to say to him,

you can say to me.

Hmm, well said.

Anything else?

I think I've heard enough.

Uh, here's a-- whoo-- generous severance check

and a free

Ghost Child Games T-shirt for you.

Eli, you've got to stop banging our assistants.

She could sue us and we'd all be done.

Um, I could sue her sweater for misrepresenting her boobs,

and I'd win.

And then I would make a triumphant speech

on the courthouse steps.

"Today is a great day for honest boobs everywhere."

(imitating echo): Everywhere, everywhere.

Eli, this isn't funny.

People are saying that you're sexist.

Yeah, but they're all women, so who cares?

No, we had to hire a new HR lady because of you.

Trust me, you do not want to deal with the new HR woman.

She is mean.

She fired Dick just for introducing himself.

This girl today wasn't my fault.

She was so annoying. How?

She would describe her dreams to me every morning.

Oh, God, I hate it when my wife does that.

Right? Yeah, it's awful.

Yeah.

I mean, do you do that?

Asians don't dream.

It's a waste of time.

I think Martin Luther King would disagree with you.

Am I right?

And you were there, too, but it wasn't

really you, and we were falling and we tried to scream,

but nothing was coming out.

That's weird, huh?

Hmm, that's so interesting and special.

Thank you, guys, for having me over.

I really couldn't stand another night

of watching Cinemax with my dad with our legs touching.

You know, Crawford, I bet

you and David have a lot in common.

Maybe you should hang out tomorrow.

I'd love to; let me check my day planner.

Uh, Dad, that says "1982."

The days line up the same.

Well, you know what?

I have an opening

between 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m.

Who is Jane Pauley?

Oh, that was '82, and you may not know this,

but your old man was quite the stalker.

(chuckles)

Psst.

Psst, psst, psst.

What is that?

That's our new assistant Janet.

Are you kidding?

She looks like the old lady on that pasta sauce label.

Exactly-- Janet is Eli-proof.

Oh, oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Okay.

I hit a 1970s perfume wall.

Yeah.

Why would you do this to me?

Because you are a human resources nightmare.

Eli, this company can't afford to get sued,

and trust me, you want no part of the new HR lady.

She hit three home runs in softball yesterday.

One of them was to dead center.

Really?

Yeah, it hit a car.

My God!

That coffee is, like, 180 degrees!

She didn't even blow on it.

(grunts, sighs)

Hey, Jesus of Nazareth.

In this office...

we wear socks.

For God's sakes, get some socks, you maniac.

You're gonna get us all killed!

Oh, hey, what are you guys doing here?

I thought you guys were going out to lunch.

We are out for lunch. Where's your fridge?

Um...

I, uh, I can get lunch for your friends.

Uh, these aren't friends.

They're dads.

Oh.

Oh, well, hello, Mr. Sachs, and hi.

Call me David.

Mr. Sachs is my son's name.

(laughing)

Boy, I wish I had a swing like that on my front porch.

Yeah, she looks like that beautiful woman

on the pasta sauce label.

Come on, Crawford, be my wingman.

(laughs)

(laughs) Oh, my God,

my dad's trying to impress her with a two-dollar bill.

I can't believe this-- I hired Janet

so nobody would be attracted to her.

Well, it looks like a couple of nobodies are attracted to her.

Okay, if she feels sexually pressured

by her bosses' fathers, that's a form of harassment.

Yeah, but if my dad starts dating her,

then he'll be out of the house,

and that is a form of happiness.

Come on, Dad, work your magic.

So, why aren't you married?

Bum vagina?

(laughing)

NEWS ANCHOR: Coming up, why today's 65-year-old

is livelier than ever.

Aw, geez.

(gasps)

No smoking in my house.

Boy, must have dozed off there.

(chuckles)

You know, there's nothing like a cigar and a nap.

Yeah, so, any plans tonight?

Yeah, I got three people coming over to teach me Yiddish.

I got to go make a yarmulke out of a coffee filter.

Hey.

Hey, how was work?

Bad. How was home? Bad.

Well, should we talk about it or just drink?

We should probably talk.

All right, I'll make the drinks.

I know you're against office romances,

but your dad really seems to like this Janet,

and I think that you should encourage him to find love

and get him out of my house.

(snickers)

Your house?

What? Oh, nothing.

Oh, come on, he's not that bad.

Warner. Yeah.

Do you have black neighbors?

Uh, yeah, Dad, right next door.

Oh...

(sighs)

I'm sorry, Officer, the whole thing

is just a humorous misunderstanding.

Mm-hmm.

So, did Janet ask about me?

No, she didn't,

and you're not going to have

an office romance, I'm sorry.

Well, not with that Casanova David around.

He's got so many cool shirts.

I hate my shirts.

(knocking)

Oh, that must be my Jews.

Who the hell called the cops on me?

So they removed the body, and suddenly I had a seat

in first class. (gasps)

God, he has no game.

It's a wonder you were ever born.

Hmm... and yet here I stand.

Oh, are you standing?

Would you like to go out for dinner?

I know a Greek place around the corner.

Oh, well, I-I love Greek food.

And corners.

(laughs)

Uh, want to pick me up at 6:00?

No, I'll meet you there.

Oh, look at her.

She's so beautiful.

Now, listen,

go over there and talk to her.

Okay. Be yourself.

Be myself. Yes.

How's my breath?

(exhales)

It's age-appropriate.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, what are you doing...?

Oh, my God, you're not pregnant again, are you?

(mouths)

Oh, no, no, come on.

We talked about this.

You're trying to set my dad up?

Well,

she said yes.

Now I got to get to work on an erection.

How come the only kind of kebab

you ever hear about is shish?

Oh, look, it's a ladybug.

All right, hold still, I'll kill it.

Anyone who owns their own bowling ball is a schmuck.

The first person who comes up with a use for men's nipples--

they can write their own ticket.

I didn't like that no-leg South African sprinter

before he shot his girlfriend.

BOTH: Separate checks.

VERONICA: So, Janet,

what is your decision?

Whose dandruff do you want on you?

(laughs)

Well, that-that's...

that's a really tough choice, but

I think I...

I clicked a little more with...

David.

Yes!

Oh, he's just so dark.

Yes, he is!

I-I'll send a moving truck with all his stuff,

and then, I'll, what, see you at Thanksgiving?

(laughs)

Hold on, hold on. Janet,

as our employee,

if this in any way makes you feel uncomfortable,

you don't have to date him.

Oh, I... Okay. No.

I think the whole... the whole office should hear this.

Guys, listen up, okay?

Everyone in this office

is captain of their own sexual freedom.

Be you straight, gay...

or Elliot.

Okay?

You don't need to have sex

with the bosses' fathers, or anyone.

But you can.

Okay, but don't.

Choose happiness!

Not at work.

Heart wants what it wants.

And that's why there are laws,

right, guys?

Hello? What happened?

You shouldn't have started your speech at 4:59.

Mountaintop wizard fight?

Fireball, fireball.

Lightning! Ash naz gimbatu!

Ash naz gimbatu!

Hey.

Hey! How was work?

Well, you'd be proud of me.

I peed at the urinal

with some guy standing right next to me. (laughs)

Did anything come out?

No, but I stood there like it was.

Mm.

It's all gonna happen soon, I can feel it.

Warner, you want this condom?

I'm never gonna use it.

Uh, Dad, where'd you get that?

From your neighbor.

It's a large.

Dad, you know, forget about that whole Janet thing.

Well...

Workplace romances are always a disaster.

You know, Warner, this whole thing has made me realize...

that there's really only one person out there for you.

For me... it was your mother.

And for your mother,

it was a weightlifter from Sacramento.

I had no idea he felt like that.

Yeah.

You know, when I was a kid,

I asked Jenny Sanders to the prom, and she said no.

And-and my dad got in the car and drove all the way down there

and convinced her to go with me.

That's sweet.

And creepy.

I can't believe I'm going to say this,

but I'm going to go down to Janet's

and get my dad a prom date.

Oh, while you're out, can you pick me up some of...?

No. This is not one of those trips.

(doorbell rings)

Janet?

(screaming)

(screaming)

Hey.

Good morning.

That's right.

Oh, I forgot what I was gonna say.

Oh, yeah. Is Janet here?

Oh, she, uh, quit this morning.

Oh...

Okay. Just, like...

Just like that?

Mm? Yeah.

She said she really enjoyed her time here,

and she just wanted to pursue other opportunities.

Okay. Okay.

Uh, that's good for her, right?

Ah. That's all she said?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, and something about you leering through a window

of her house, yelling, "I'm not masturbating!"

I can explain. I...

Don't waste it on us. Okay...

Save it for HR, because you have a meeting at 11:00.

Aw, who's a little HR nightmare now?

It's you. No.

It's you. No.

Who's the little HR nightmare? No.

Isn't it you? No.

Uh...

Okay, what do I do? What do I do?

Relax. I will go upstairs, I'll talk to my dad,

he'll call Janet, and she'll drop the whole thing.

Ugh. I hope that works,

'cause HR meany was in the bathroom today,

and she emptied the tampon machine.

It looked like she was about to blow up a bridge.

Has he moved yet this morning?

He scratch his nose at... 9:20.

Mm.

Hey, Dad, uh, I need a favor.

No.

You don't even know what it is.

It's a favor. What else do I need to know?

Dad, I need you to call your girlfriend, Janet,

and smooth something over for me.

She's not my girlfriend anymore.

Already? What happened?

She couldn't name the original Mercury astronauts.

You still ask women that question?

Who cares?

Maybe the families of John Glenn,

Alan Shepard, Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom...

All right, Dad, I understand...

...Gordo Cooper, Deke Slayton,

Scott Carpenter... You made your point. I...

...Wally Schirra.

Dad...

please call her.

No.

You're impossible!

I'll call her when she takes seventh grade history!

Don't finish that friendly knock.

Have a seat. Oh.

State your name.

Uh, Warner Whittemore.

So...

you like looking at old ladies, you perv? Hmm?

What?

You like pulling your pickle in public, huh?

Is that what bangs your gong?

Uh, who are you recording this for?

All the old ladies who just want to take a shower

without some creep tuggin' on his tiny outside their window.

Okay, I wasn't tugging on my tiny.

I... I, uh...

This was a big misunderstanding.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Okay, well,

let's do a-a... a little bit of research, okay?

Okay. Typey, type-type-type.

Okay, look at this. What?

What are all of these settlement checks

that are made out to your former assistants?

Did you spin your pee spout

outside their window,

like some carefree 19th-century gentleman

going for a weenie walk?!

Wait a minute.

You're attacking the wrong person.

Warner Whittemore is not a perv.

He is terrified of sex.

He didn't lose his virginity till he was 26.

Oh, actually, I-I was 25 and a half.

The one time we went to a strip club together,

he ate a cheeseburger with a fork and knife.

'Cause strippers leave you alone if you're eating,

so I just figured...

(mumbles)

These checks weren't for him. They were for me.

He was cleaning up my messes.

Okay, Warner, you can go.

Have a seat... carrot crotch.

Eli's been in with the HR lady for

a long time now. I hope he's okay.

(Eli sighs) Oh, hey.

How'd it go in there?

Well, I got myself

out of trouble.

I am not really proud of how.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Don't wear anything complicated.

You know, Warner, I never thought I'd say this, but

thank you for sexually harassing that woman for me.

I love you, son.

I love you, too, Dad.

Aw...

What? Nothing happened with us.

CAMILA: It's just...

I'm sorry. It's so hilarious that anyone could ever think

that you could sexually harass anybody.

I'm sorry.

I can hara...

I can harass someone.

Okay, okay. Well, let... let's see.

Okay.

Ooh, nice melons.

Okay, I can't do that.

I got to sanitize my hands.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org