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1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,338
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,742
(David groans)
3
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,980
(groans)
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,148
God.
5
00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:15,683
Was that a ghost?
6
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,251
Hopefully soon.
7
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,120
(David groans)
8
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:23,657
I'm not looking.
I'm not looking.
9
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:24,825
Ah, a brunette.
10
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:25,993
I'm not looking.
11
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,062
Not looking.
12
00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:29,397
Dad!
13
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,499
What are you doing?
I got to use the bathroom.
14
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,866
Why don't you use
the one upstairs?
15
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,536
Upstairs is for liquids only.
16
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,271
Why do you always do this?
17
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:39,507
Always? How many girls
do you have up here?
18
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:42,042
A ton.
19
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:43,711
Ew, gross.
20
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:44,745
I'm out of here.
21
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,013
No. Oh, come on,
don't leave.
22
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,349
Where are you going?
It's San Francisco.
23
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:51,552
Be happy he's
into you and not me.
24
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,355
Thanks, Dad.
25
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,556
You satisfied?
26
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,825
I will be in 45 minutes.
27
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,294
I had cheese with every meal.
28
00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:02,630
I'm in for a fight.
29
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,370
* Daddy took me to the zoo
30
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,405
* Na, na, na, na *
31
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:15,376
* Just to see
something brand-new *
32
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,445
* Na, na, na *
33
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:21,582
* So many stars up in the sky
34
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:26,220
* So many questions have I
35
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:28,389
* Na, na, na, na *
36
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,958
* Daddy took me for a ride.
37
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:36,397
Oh, hey, um, have you found
someone to do the voice
38
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,498
for the Wall Street game?
39
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:38,666
Just, uh, get the guy.
40
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,801
Uh, Doug Henderson.
He always does it.
41
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,570
Uh, not anymore.
He's in prison.
42
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:43,737
What?
43
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:44,972
He was the East Bay Strangler.
44
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,407
He killed like eight people.
45
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,244
You know, he was always
talking about East Bay
46
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,646
and strangling, but I never
put the two together.
47
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,750
Oh, boy.
48
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,419
I know that face.
49
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:01,922
That's the "I put the time in
but didn't get laid" face.
50
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,124
Hey, buddy.
51
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:05,593
What's the matter?
52
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,929
I put the time in,
I didn't get laid.
53
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:12,433
You know, Eli, there's more
to life than intercourse.
54
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,668
You know, some of us
actually enjoy sex.
55
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:16,270
We don't only use it
for procreation.
56
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,805
Hey, both my kids
were drunken mistakes.
57
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,007
Thank you very much.
58
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,676
You're quietly
a terrible person.
59
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:23,977
I know.
60
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,112
Well, the point is,
61
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,514
as long as my dad's
living with me,
62
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:27,948
I'll never be able
to have sex again.
63
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,218
Aw, that's too bad,
because Anne's single.
64
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,552
Anne?
Your hot blonde friend?
65
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:32,786
Mm-hmm.
What happened to her boyfriend?
66
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,522
Ugh. He broke up with her.
67
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,690
What? Why would you
break up with that?
68
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:37,791
Well, she's a comic.
69
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,493
She's always doing
some tiresome bits.
70
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,463
Oh, boy, here we go.
71
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,666
Look at the green-eyed monster
of jealousy rearing its head.
72
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,368
Extra, extra! Girl denigrates
attractive friend.
73
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,802
Paper, mister?
74
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:50,070
Why, sure, I'll
take one of those.
75
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,205
Shame about those girls.
76
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,040
What's this?
Roosevelt has polio?
77
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,008
Oh, boy!
78
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,480
Yeah, tiresome.
79
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,881
What do I care?
80
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,983
My penis doesn't have ears.
81
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,519
I'm deaf!
82
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:08,155
It's hard being deaf!
83
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,491
Life is so hard!
84
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,926
Where are you going?
I still got...
85
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,225
(vacuum whirring)
86
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,702
Hey, Dad, great news.
87
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,470
You are going out tonight.
88
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:57,538
Really? Where?
89
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,239
I don't care.
90
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:01,442
I need to be
able to have sex
91
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:02,443
in my own apartment.
92
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,711
So, go ahead.
93
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:06,714
People have been having sex
around me my whole life.
94
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,816
My nickname in college was
95
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,418
"Sleeps Through It" Sachs.
96
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:15,756
Of course, after I was married,
your mother took that name.
97
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,929
Look, I-I have a date tonight.
98
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:24,064
And I don't want it screwed up.
Who is she?
99
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,733
Veronica's
recently-single friend.
100
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,735
Oh, a rebound.
101
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,337
You want my advice?
102
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,238
You've never been right
about anything.
103
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,239
Not true.
104
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,341
When you were four,
105
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,676
I told you there was
no Santa Claus.
106
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:38,312
You cried and cried,
but I was right.
107
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:41,248
No Santa?
108
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,916
ELI:
Uh...
109
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,152
No, Edna, there's...
of course there's a Santa Claus.
110
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:47,488
Of course there's Santa.
111
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,192
Look, tonight, when I come home
with this girl,
112
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,762
you're gonna suddenly remember
that you have somewhere to go.
113
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,630
And then here's the
most important part...
114
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:58,932
you go.
115
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,100
Go where?
116
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,469
I don't know,
go to, like,
117
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,103
the movies or
something. Here.
118
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:06,474
And I should starve to death?
119
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:13,381
And what happens when I
storm out of the first movie?
120
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,583
(groans)
121
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:20,521
What if the second movie
has singing?
122
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,125
EDNA:
Okay, I finish.
123
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,160
Thank you.
124
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:32,065
Hey.
Oh, hey.
125
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:34,134
Why... why are you
finger-painting?
126
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,036
It's for Alden's
class project.
127
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,838
Oh, well, shouldn't he
be doing that?
128
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:40,641
Well, you know,
he has no sense of scale,
129
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,576
and I'm just not letting
those skinny-ass,
130
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,845
blonde-bitch moms stare down
their Meg Ryan duck lips
131
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:47,481
at this chica.
132
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,817
Oh, I love it
when you get ethnic.
133
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,151
How was work, baby?
134
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,886
It was okay,
but we're running behind
135
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,822
on our Wall Street game.
I can't find
136
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,725
a single voice actor
who sounds like a businessman.
137
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,992
All right, yeah.
138
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:02,029
25% down now,
and the balance on delivery.
139
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,997
Mm-hmm, we got a deal.
140
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,600
I'll take two boxes
of the mint cookies, Kimmy.
141
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,836
CAMILA:
Honey,
142
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,338
you should let your dad do the
voice in your new video game.
143
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,573
What? What's that?
What was that?
144
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,007
I just blacked
out for a second.
145
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,576
No, this is great.
146
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,778
Warner wants you
to voice a businessman
147
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,713
in his new game.
148
00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:22,382
Well, is this so?
149
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:26,019
Mint cookies, huh? Mmm.
150
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,955
Well, I'm very
flattered, Warner,
151
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:31,024
but I'm not gonna sign anything
until I read the contract first.
152
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:34,327
I learned that the hard
way with Not-C tutoring.
153
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:37,865
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What the hell is that?
154
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,033
It was an educational course
for kids.
Mm-hmm.
155
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,736
"A's and B's,
but never a C.
156
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,272
That's the Not-C
guarantee."
157
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,709
We had to move to Holland
for two years
158
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,110
while things cooled off.
159
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,412
My Dutch name
was Petr Vanderhozen.
160
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,584
Fell, like, 50 feet. I didn't
think I'd even survive.
161
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,751
Hey, Dad.
162
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,987
What are you doing here?
I thought you were
163
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,221
busy tonight.
164
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:06,259
Oh, right. I suddenly remember,
I have that thing.
165
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:09,663
Well, listen, before
you definitely leave,
166
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:11,098
let me introduce you
to Anne.
167
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,733
Anne, this is my dad.
168
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,334
It's nice to meet
you, Mr. Sachs.
169
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:15,569
Ow!
170
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,771
Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!
171
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,607
J-Kidsky. I'm fine.
172
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,009
(laughs)
173
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:24,377
Anne's a comedian.
She's funny, huh?
174
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,451
Ha-choo.
175
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,755
Uh, what-what
are you doing?
176
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,090
Staying in. I think
I'm coming down with something.
177
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,759
Eli, put on your
mask, you fool!
178
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,093
The virus is
spreading!
179
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,295
Hashtag, contagion.
180
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:47,000
Ha-choo.
181
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,709
EDNA:
Morning, Eli.
182
00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:56,710
How you sleep?
183
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:59,713
Alone.
184
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,448
Can I get you anything?
185
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,850
Yes, as a matter of fact.
186
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,652
You can get my dad to understand
187
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:07,354
that when we make a deal,
he has to stick to it.
188
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:08,856
Okay.
189
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,862
Uh, Mr. David? Um...
190
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,865
Uh, Eli say, uh... he...
191
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,667
(mutters in Spanish)
He, um...
192
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:20,834
um...
193
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:24,004
to say to you, why...
194
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,039
Okay, we're not doing this.
195
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,679
Why didn't you
leave last night?
196
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:32,846
I saved you.
197
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,181
That girl was a nightmare.
198
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:35,583
Eli,
199
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:36,850
your father has some skills.
200
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,051
I know women.
201
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:39,352
No, you don't.
202
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,421
You created three lesbians.
203
00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:45,025
In their 50s.
204
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:47,027
Those were great relationships.
205
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,896
I'm wearing Margaret's
206
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:51,031
old jeans now.
207
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:54,067
This is where
she used to keep her hammer.
208
00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:59,439
You know nothing about Anne.
209
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:01,742
I also know nothing
about bone cancer,
210
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:05,045
but I know
I don't want it in the house.
211
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:09,116
You made a snap judgment
the way you always do.
212
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,585
Anne is gorgeous,
and at least she's not boring.
213
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,520
Trust me,
you'll pray for boring.
214
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,554
Remember,
215
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,957
Joan Rivers' husband
killed himself.
216
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,061
Well, she's single.
You should give her a call.
217
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,231
Hey, Edna,
218
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,066
you have kids?
Sí.
219
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,435
Well, just you wait
until they're his age.
220
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:30,203
They are. My oldest--
221
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,872
she 41.
222
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,206
Really?
223
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,908
How old are you?
224
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,444
I no like to talk about.
225
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,583
This is a real
recording studio.
226
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,218
Wow!
227
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,087
Let's test
the microphone,
228
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,156
see if it works.
229
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,224
One, two, three, four,
230
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,592
five, six,
seven, eight...
231
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,227
Uh, Dad, you only
test to three.
...nine, ten,
232
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,228
11, 12.
233
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,797
Dad, stop.
The quick brown fox
234
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:57,798
jumped over the lazy dog.
235
00:09:57,831 --> 00:09:58,999
Okay, that's typing, Dad.
236
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,233
The quick
brown fox...
237
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,569
Okay, we're good
with the mic check, Dad!
238
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,804
Are we good?
239
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:04,905
Yeah, we're good.
240
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,107
(chuckling):
Yeah, okay.
241
00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:12,379
Yeah. No.
242
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:18,585
So, it turns out my dad
ruined my date on purpose.
243
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,620
He thinks he's saving me
from a disaster.
244
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:21,955
What kind of disaster?
245
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,824
Well, he thinks
Anne's comedy is horrible
246
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:25,425
and I'll wind up killing myself.
247
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,427
Oh, you mean
like Joan Rivers' husband?
248
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,262
Yeah.
Well, your dad's right.
249
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,430
She's awful.
250
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,465
I thought she was your friend.
251
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,534
Yeah, she's one of
my best friends.
252
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,204
Well, the point is,
he's preventing me
253
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:38,672
from having sex
in my own place.
254
00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:40,708
Okay, why don't you just go
to her place?
255
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:43,343
No way. I'm way better
at home than on the road.
256
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,345
Crowd's on my side.
257
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,280
Wait. The crowd?
258
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,783
Yeah, the crowd
I imagine cheering me on.
259
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:51,785
Am I in the crowd?
260
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,120
No, you're not
in the crowd.
261
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,287
Ew, that's disgusting!
262
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,288
What?
263
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,656
Oh, now I'm just gonna be
264
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,291
picturing you in the crowd.
265
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,027
CRAWFORD:
I assume it's
all right
266
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,294
to smoke cigars
in here.
267
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,830
Oh, my God!
268
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,297
Okay, look.
269
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,466
Put it out.
Put it out.
270
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,668
Put it out!
Wh...
271
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,574
(New York accent):
So, it's a one-bed,
one-bath fixer-upper,
272
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,910
all new stainless
steel appliances.
273
00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:19,980
(inhales, exhales)
Are you single, hon?
274
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:20,981
(laughs)
275
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,916
Your jokes
were so funny tonight.
276
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:26,153
All those other tables
were wrong to complain.
277
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,821
I know!
They were all like,
278
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,657
(à la Pee-wee Herman):
"We're trying to eat!"
279
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,159
You know, you don't...
280
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,828
you don't have to always do
funny characters.
281
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:37,664
I like you just the way you are.
282
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,100
I had a really great time
with you tonight, Eli.
283
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:43,036
Thank you for
letting me be myself.
284
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:44,537
I, uh...
285
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,239
I really like you.
286
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,542
(chuckles)
287
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,783
(Southern accent):
Oh, my.
288
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,450
I do declare.
289
00:11:57,484 --> 00:12:00,587
Let us away to the boudoir.
290
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:05,793
I have always depended
upon the penises of strangers.
291
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:09,062
Hey, do you have
a mute whore character?
292
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,967
Back off, peasants!
293
00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:16,269
That's my oil!
294
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,038
Dad, that's really great.
295
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,973
You sound
like a real businessman.
296
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,875
I know! It's crazy.
297
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,143
You almost done?
298
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,912
Yeah. We might have
to boil the microphone,
299
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,213
but, other than that,
it's great.
300
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,314
You know,
Warner,
301
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,716
some of these lines
almost make it sound
302
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,052
like the businessmen
are the bad guys.
303
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,220
Well, yeah, Dad,
304
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,888
the object of the game
is to actually
305
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:38,691
decapitate as many heartless,
greedy businessmen as possible.
306
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,161
Or you can castrate them.
307
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,996
It's player's choice.
308
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,798
Oh, my God.
309
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,266
Well, I'm sorry.
310
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:47,968
I can't do this.
311
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,069
What?
312
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:52,239
Wall Street put me
where I am today.
313
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:55,475
Dad, you sleep on my sofa bed.
314
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,077
Well, not anymore.
315
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,012
I'm sleeping here now.
316
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,948
(lock clicks)
Wait, Dad, what are you...
317
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,150
what are you doing?
Wait. Okay.
318
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,151
Uh...
319
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,252
Dad, what are you doing?
320
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,654
Those hippies occupied
Wall Street.
321
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:11,158
Well, I'm gonna occupy
this booth.
322
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,927
Oh, come on. You're not gonna
last 20 minutes in there.
323
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,829
You don't even have anything
to eat.
324
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:18,498
Ham and cheese.
325
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,300
You don't have anything
to drink.
326
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,435
Ah...
327
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:25,438
You... you don't have a toilet.
328
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,340
Ah...
329
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,047
Good date?
330
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:35,282
Great date.
331
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,284
I see you didn't spend
the night.
332
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,019
We are taking it slow.
333
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,187
Let me guess.
334
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:44,291
She Robin Williams'd you
to impotence.
335
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,959
The opposite.
336
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:49,462
I Seinfeld't her up.
337
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,132
Wow, sounds like
a great relationship.
338
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,633
Definitely.
339
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,469
You know, I don't throw around
the term "soul mate" a lot...
340
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,505
Finish the thought.
341
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,642
But when you
know, you know.
342
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,144
You really like her that much?
343
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,712
Yeah, actually,
I think I love her.
344
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,814
I guess I was wrong.
Sounds like you're serious.
345
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,049
Damn straight, I'm serious.
346
00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:10,317
Maybe you should have her
move in.
347
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,718
Maybe I will. Wait, what?
348
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:12,719
Well,
349
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,154
since you're so smitten,
350
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,157
maybe you should take it
to the next step.
351
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,825
Unless...
352
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,593
you think I'm right about her.
353
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,395
Oh, we will take it
to the next step.
354
00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:23,596
I'm-I'm gonna...
355
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:25,398
I'll call her right now.
356
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,900
Oh.
357
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,368
M-My battery's dead.
358
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,037
(phone rings)
359
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,672
H-Hello?
360
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:36,276
Uh, sorry, I don't know
Ivana Pinchaloaf.
361
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,878
Oh, hi, Anne.
(chuckles)
362
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:39,879
(quietly):
It's Anne.
363
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,248
Yeah. Um,
I was actually
364
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,016
just about
to call you.
365
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:46,586
Listen, um, I know
this is fast...
366
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,121
(chuckles)
Sh...
367
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,957
She's doing Speedy Gonzales.
368
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,925
Right.
369
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:54,361
I... Anyway, I-I know,
but, um...
370
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,263
I was th... I was thinking...
371
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,698
you know, things are going
really great, and...
372
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:02,402
m-maybe... well,
maybe you would want to...
373
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,437
uh, like...
374
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:10,310
...move in with me.
375
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,544
(chuckling):
Oh, yeah.
376
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,546
I suppose it is an
offer you can't refuse.
377
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,248
Killer Godfather
impression.
378
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,886
Yes. Well, that's great.
379
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,322
Great. Sounds great.
Okay. Bye.
380
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,457
So?
381
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:25,892
Well, her lease is up,
382
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,560
so it actually
times out perfectly.
383
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,396
Congratulations.
384
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:32,099
And since I know
you love impressions,
385
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:35,335
here's an impression
of you in a week.
386
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:40,507
(yelling)
387
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:43,876
"My dad was right!"
388
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:46,879
Sidewalk!
389
00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:56,489
She's moving in?
Yep, as we speak.
390
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,491
I saw her carrying
two big boxes
391
00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:00,827
marked "wigs, teeth."
392
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,664
Why are you doing this?
393
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,499
Well, I was just trying
to prove my dad wrong,
394
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,967
and the whole thing
got out of hand.
395
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:10,170
But I figure, all I have to do
is stick with her
396
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,704
for, like, 30 years
397
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,674
and then he'll die
and I will win.
398
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,844
But I always thought
we'd get married.
399
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:19,012
R-Really?
400
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,480
J-Kidsky.
401
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,517
BARACK OBAMA:
Everyone in this room
402
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,354
knows what will happen
if we do nothing.
Just stop it!
403
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,456
Our deficit will grow.
Not true!
404
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,858
More families
will go bankrupt.
Just stop it!
405
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,126
More businesses will close.
406
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,894
You know, you're not gonna
scare me out of here
407
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,463
with this rap music!
408
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:40,533
That was Barack Obama
with "Health Care Blues."
409
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,036
Now here's a little ditty
from our friend Al Gore
410
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:46,306
called "I Created the Internet"!
411
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,841
AL GORE:
I took the initiative
in creating the Internet...
412
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,677
* Ronald Reagan
413
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,679
* Ronald Reagan
(blows raspberry)
414
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,547
* Ronald Reagan
415
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,183
* Ronald Reagan
(groans)
416
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,219
Honey, I figured out a way
to get us out of this.
417
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,387
Hi, Crawford.
418
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,654
Hi.
419
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,091
There's someone
here to see you.
420
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,225
Huh?
421
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:06,393
Kimmy?
422
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,561
I have your cookies,
Mr. Whittemore.
423
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,563
CAMILA:
Kimmy has your cookies.
424
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,165
You made a deal
with her, Crawford.
425
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:14,734
You have to come out
and honor it.
426
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:16,669
It was an oral contract.
427
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,905
It'll never hold up in court.
428
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,408
Do you really want
little Kimmy here to think
429
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:24,577
all businessmen are liar, liar,
pants on fire?!
430
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,179
Is that true?
431
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,680
Yes, Kimmy.
432
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,717
I'm afraid it's "twue."
433
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,220
No, it isn't.
434
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,223
Kimmy,
435
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:40,427
businesspeople
are good, honest people.
436
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,595
And their pants
are never on fire.
437
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:43,930
(chuckles)
438
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:45,765
Thank you.
439
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,434
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
440
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,501
These are not mint.
441
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,803
These are the Aloha-has.
442
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,105
I'm allergic to coconut.
443
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,806
I'm sorry, I can't pay you.
444
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,942
This is not what we agreed to.
445
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,410
Where's my money?!
446
00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,546
Ow!
447
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:00,613
How dare you kick
448
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:02,382
a businessman!
(Kimmy grunts)
449
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,950
We built this country!
450
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,785
Oh, this is great.
I got to record this.
I'll sue you!
451
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,287
Keep kicking him, Kimmy!
452
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,422
This is a place
of business!
453
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:10,957
You're trespassing
454
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:15,094
on private property,
you little parasite!
455
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,264
Warner, I think she's
really hurting him.
456
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:18,931
Oh, that's okay.
He's a grown man.
457
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,467
She's a little girl.
458
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,969
Put down the
briefcase, Kimmy.
459
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:24,404
Uh-oh.
460
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,738
(Kimmy grunts)
Uh...
461
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,174
Oh!
462
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,578
Well, that's the last of it.
463
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,613
We are officially
living together.
464
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,482
Honey, it's not
what you think!
465
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:38,818
Please don't use me
in your skits.
466
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:39,952
(groans)
467
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,822
Him Big Chief Need-A-Laugh.
468
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,625
(chanting)
469
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,060
(chanting)
470
00:18:58,505 --> 00:18:59,506
Well,
471
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:01,441
I have got to unpack.
472
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,343
Porter, my bags! All aboard!
473
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,777
Next stop, Steubenville!
474
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,679
(chugging)
475
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,848
Now passing Old Stone Face.
476
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,150
(chugging)
477
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:14,221
Do they make tampons
for your mouth?
478
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,192
I don't know
what you're talking about.
479
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,860
I think this is really
gonna be great.
480
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,329
You do, do you?
481
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:25,865
There's a woman in your bedroom
acting like a locomotive.
482
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:28,000
Come on, Dad, it's not that bad.
483
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,803
What is the deal
with memory foam pillows?
484
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,639
Does it remember my head?
Because, if so,
485
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,208
every time I lay down,
it should say, "Hello, Anne."
486
00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:38,911
I think my memory foam pillow
has Alzheimer's...
487
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,781
Good night! Thank you!
Drive safe!
488
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,400
Okay, you were right.
489
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:01,734
Help me, Daddy.
490
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:05,305
(crying):
Please make the bad lady
go away.
491
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,590
When did you learn
to hypnotize people?
492
00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,758
You stow away
on a Carnival cruise ship,
493
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,126
you learn some things.
494
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:32,465
I got to admit, Dad,
you were right about her.
495
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,100
I guess it wouldn't hurt to...
496
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,768
listen to you
every once in a while.
497
00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:39,138
That's the nicest thing
you've said since I moved in.
498
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,708
Give me a hug.
499
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,043
(horn honks)
500
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,546
See?
501
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,282
Your old man still knows a thing
or two about relationships.
502
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:52,619
(chuckles)
Edna, no prints.
503
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:55,455
This no Edna's first rodeo.
504
00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,959
(elevator bell dings)
505
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:07,300
We'll take the next one.
506
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,769
No, no, no. We'll squeeze in.
507
00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:12,972
(horn honks)
508
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:16,008
Okay...
(grunting)
509
00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:20,279
Can you hit,
uh, "garage"?
510
00:21:20,313 --> 00:21:21,581
Yeah.
Yeah.
511
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,982
Thanks.
Okay.
512
00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:25,985
How was your day? Good.
Good.
513
00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:28,020
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