Original subtitles

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

(David groans)

(groans)

God.

Was that a ghost?

Hopefully soon.

(David groans)

I'm not looking. I'm not looking.

Ah, a brunette.

I'm not looking.

Not looking.

Dad!

What are you doing? I got to use the bathroom.

Why don't you use the one upstairs?

Upstairs is for liquids only.

Why do you always do this?

Always? How many girls do you have up here?

A ton.

Ew, gross.

I'm out of here.

No. Oh, come on, don't leave.

Where are you going? It's San Francisco.

Be happy he's into you and not me.

Thanks, Dad.

You satisfied?

I will be in 45 minutes.

I had cheese with every meal.

I'm in for a fight.

* Daddy took me to the zoo

* Na, na, na, na *

* Just to see something brand-new *

* Na, na, na *

* So many stars up in the sky

* So many questions have I

* Na, na, na, na *

* Daddy took me for a ride.

Oh, hey, um, have you found someone to do the voice

for the Wall Street game?

Just, uh, get the guy.

Uh, Doug Henderson. He always does it.

Uh, not anymore. He's in prison.

What?

He was the East Bay Strangler.

He killed like eight people.

You know, he was always talking about East Bay

and strangling, but I never put the two together.

Oh, boy.

I know that face.

That's the "I put the time in but didn't get laid" face.

Hey, buddy.

What's the matter?

I put the time in, I didn't get laid.

You know, Eli, there's more to life than intercourse.

You know, some of us actually enjoy sex.

We don't only use it for procreation.

Hey, both my kids were drunken mistakes.

Thank you very much.

You're quietly a terrible person.

I know.

Well, the point is,

as long as my dad's living with me,

I'll never be able to have sex again.

Aw, that's too bad, because Anne's single.

Anne? Your hot blonde friend?

Mm-hmm. What happened to her boyfriend?

Ugh. He broke up with her.

What? Why would you break up with that?

Well, she's a comic.

She's always doing some tiresome bits.

Oh, boy, here we go.

Look at the green-eyed monster of jealousy rearing its head.

Extra, extra! Girl denigrates attractive friend.

Paper, mister?

Why, sure, I'll take one of those.

Shame about those girls.

What's this? Roosevelt has polio?

Oh, boy!

Yeah, tiresome.

What do I care?

My penis doesn't have ears.

I'm deaf!

It's hard being deaf!

Life is so hard!

Where are you going? I still got...

(vacuum whirring)

Hey, Dad, great news.

You are going out tonight.

Really? Where?

I don't care.

I need to be able to have sex

in my own apartment.

So, go ahead.

People have been having sex around me my whole life.

My nickname in college was

"Sleeps Through It" Sachs.

Of course, after I was married, your mother took that name.

Look, I-I have a date tonight.

And I don't want it screwed up. Who is she?

Veronica's recently-single friend.

Oh, a rebound.

You want my advice?

You've never been right about anything.

Not true.

When you were four,

I told you there was no Santa Claus.

You cried and cried, but I was right.

No Santa?

ELI: Uh...

No, Edna, there's... of course there's a Santa Claus.

Of course there's Santa.

Look, tonight, when I come home with this girl,

you're gonna suddenly remember that you have somewhere to go.

And then here's the most important part...

you go.

Go where?

I don't know, go to, like,

the movies or something. Here.

And I should starve to death?

And what happens when I storm out of the first movie?

(groans)

What if the second movie has singing?

EDNA: Okay, I finish.

Thank you.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Why... why are you finger-painting?

It's for Alden's class project.

Oh, well, shouldn't he be doing that?

Well, you know, he has no sense of scale,

and I'm just not letting those skinny-ass,

blonde-bitch moms stare down their Meg Ryan duck lips

at this chica.

Oh, I love it when you get ethnic.

How was work, baby?

It was okay, but we're running behind

on our Wall Street game. I can't find

a single voice actor who sounds like a businessman.

All right, yeah.

25% down now, and the balance on delivery.

Mm-hmm, we got a deal.

I'll take two boxes of the mint cookies, Kimmy.

CAMILA: Honey,

you should let your dad do the voice in your new video game.

What? What's that? What was that?

I just blacked out for a second.

No, this is great.

Warner wants you to voice a businessman

in his new game.

Well, is this so?

Mint cookies, huh? Mmm.

Well, I'm very flattered, Warner,

but I'm not gonna sign anything until I read the contract first.

I learned that the hard way with Not-C tutoring.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What the hell is that?

It was an educational course for kids. Mm-hmm.

"A's and B's, but never a C.

That's the Not-C guarantee."

We had to move to Holland for two years

while things cooled off.

My Dutch name was Petr Vanderhozen.

Fell, like, 50 feet. I didn't think I'd even survive.

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here? I thought you were

busy tonight.

Oh, right. I suddenly remember, I have that thing.

Well, listen, before you definitely leave,

let me introduce you to Anne.

Anne, this is my dad.

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sachs.

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

J-Kidsky. I'm fine.

(laughs)

Anne's a comedian. She's funny, huh?

Ha-choo.

Uh, what-what are you doing?

Staying in. I think I'm coming down with something.

Eli, put on your mask, you fool!

The virus is spreading!

Hashtag, contagion.

Ha-choo.

EDNA: Morning, Eli.

How you sleep?

Alone.

Can I get you anything?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

You can get my dad to understand

that when we make a deal, he has to stick to it.

Okay.

Uh, Mr. David? Um...

Uh, Eli say, uh... he...

(mutters in Spanish) He, um...

um...

to say to you, why...

Okay, we're not doing this.

Why didn't you leave last night?

I saved you.

That girl was a nightmare.

Eli,

your father has some skills.

I know women.

No, you don't.

You created three lesbians.

In their 50s.

Those were great relationships.

I'm wearing Margaret's

old jeans now.

This is where she used to keep her hammer.

You know nothing about Anne.

I also know nothing about bone cancer,

but I know I don't want it in the house.

You made a snap judgment the way you always do.

Anne is gorgeous, and at least she's not boring.

Trust me, you'll pray for boring.

Remember,

Joan Rivers' husband killed himself.

Well, she's single. You should give her a call.

Hey, Edna,

you have kids? Sí.

Well, just you wait until they're his age.

They are. My oldest--

she 41.

Really?

How old are you?

I no like to talk about.

This is a real recording studio.

Wow!

Let's test the microphone,

see if it works.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight...

Uh, Dad, you only test to three. ...nine, ten,

11, 12.

Dad, stop. The quick brown fox

jumped over the lazy dog.

Okay, that's typing, Dad.

The quick brown fox...

Okay, we're good with the mic check, Dad!

Are we good?

Yeah, we're good.

(chuckling): Yeah, okay.

Yeah. No.

So, it turns out my dad ruined my date on purpose.

He thinks he's saving me from a disaster.

What kind of disaster?

Well, he thinks Anne's comedy is horrible

and I'll wind up killing myself.

Oh, you mean like Joan Rivers' husband?

Yeah. Well, your dad's right.

She's awful.

I thought she was your friend.

Yeah, she's one of my best friends.

Well, the point is, he's preventing me

from having sex in my own place.

Okay, why don't you just go to her place?

No way. I'm way better at home than on the road.

Crowd's on my side.

Wait. The crowd?

Yeah, the crowd I imagine cheering me on.

Am I in the crowd?

No, you're not in the crowd.

Ew, that's disgusting!

What?

Oh, now I'm just gonna be

picturing you in the crowd.

CRAWFORD: I assume it's all right

to smoke cigars in here.

Oh, my God!

Okay, look.

Put it out. Put it out.

Put it out! Wh...

(New York accent): So, it's a one-bed, one-bath fixer-upper,

all new stainless steel appliances.

(inhales, exhales) Are you single, hon?

(laughs)

Your jokes were so funny tonight.

All those other tables were wrong to complain.

I know! They were all like,

(à la Pee-wee Herman): "We're trying to eat!"

You know, you don't...

you don't have to always do funny characters.

I like you just the way you are.

I had a really great time with you tonight, Eli.

Thank you for letting me be myself.

I, uh...

I really like you.

(chuckles)

(Southern accent): Oh, my.

I do declare.

Let us away to the boudoir.

I have always depended upon the penises of strangers.

Hey, do you have a mute whore character?

Back off, peasants!

That's my oil!

Dad, that's really great.

You sound like a real businessman.

I know! It's crazy.

You almost done?

Yeah. We might have to boil the microphone,

but, other than that, it's great.

You know, Warner,

some of these lines almost make it sound

like the businessmen are the bad guys.

Well, yeah, Dad,

the object of the game is to actually

decapitate as many heartless, greedy businessmen as possible.

Or you can castrate them.

It's player's choice.

Oh, my God.

Well, I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

What?

Wall Street put me where I am today.

Dad, you sleep on my sofa bed.

Well, not anymore.

I'm sleeping here now.

(lock clicks) Wait, Dad, what are you...

what are you doing? Wait. Okay.

Uh...

Dad, what are you doing?

Those hippies occupied Wall Street.

Well, I'm gonna occupy this booth.

Oh, come on. You're not gonna last 20 minutes in there.

You don't even have anything to eat.

Ham and cheese.

You don't have anything to drink.

Ah...

You... you don't have a toilet.

Ah...

Good date?

Great date.

I see you didn't spend the night.

We are taking it slow.

Let me guess.

She Robin Williams'd you to impotence.

The opposite.

I Seinfeld't her up.

Wow, sounds like a great relationship.

Definitely.

You know, I don't throw around the term "soul mate" a lot...

Finish the thought.

But when you know, you know.

You really like her that much?

Yeah, actually, I think I love her.

I guess I was wrong. Sounds like you're serious.

Damn straight, I'm serious.

Maybe you should have her move in.

Maybe I will. Wait, what?

Well,

since you're so smitten,

maybe you should take it to the next step.

Unless...

you think I'm right about her.

Oh, we will take it to the next step.

I'm-I'm gonna...

I'll call her right now.

Oh.

M-My battery's dead.

(phone rings)

H-Hello?

Uh, sorry, I don't know Ivana Pinchaloaf.

Oh, hi, Anne. (chuckles)

(quietly): It's Anne.

Yeah. Um, I was actually

just about to call you.

Listen, um, I know this is fast...

(chuckles) Sh...

She's doing Speedy Gonzales.

Right.

I... Anyway, I-I know, but, um...

I was th... I was thinking...

you know, things are going really great, and...

m-maybe... well, maybe you would want to...

uh, like...

...move in with me.

(chuckling): Oh, yeah.

I suppose it is an offer you can't refuse.

Killer Godfather impression.

Yes. Well, that's great.

Great. Sounds great. Okay. Bye.

So?

Well, her lease is up,

so it actually times out perfectly.

Congratulations.

And since I know you love impressions,

here's an impression of you in a week.

(yelling)

"My dad was right!"

Sidewalk!

She's moving in? Yep, as we speak.

I saw her carrying two big boxes

marked "wigs, teeth."

Why are you doing this?

Well, I was just trying to prove my dad wrong,

and the whole thing got out of hand.

But I figure, all I have to do is stick with her

for, like, 30 years

and then he'll die and I will win.

But I always thought we'd get married.

R-Really?

J-Kidsky.

BARACK OBAMA: Everyone in this room

knows what will happen if we do nothing. Just stop it!

Our deficit will grow. Not true!

More families will go bankrupt. Just stop it!

More businesses will close.

You know, you're not gonna scare me out of here

with this rap music!

That was Barack Obama with "Health Care Blues."

Now here's a little ditty from our friend Al Gore

called "I Created the Internet"!

AL GORE: I took the initiative in creating the Internet...

* Ronald Reagan

* Ronald Reagan (blows raspberry)

* Ronald Reagan

* Ronald Reagan (groans)

Honey, I figured out a way to get us out of this.

Hi, Crawford.

Hi.

There's someone here to see you.

Huh?

Kimmy?

I have your cookies, Mr. Whittemore.

CAMILA: Kimmy has your cookies.

You made a deal with her, Crawford.

You have to come out and honor it.

It was an oral contract.

It'll never hold up in court.

Do you really want little Kimmy here to think

all businessmen are liar, liar, pants on fire?!

Is that true?

Yes, Kimmy.

I'm afraid it's "twue."

No, it isn't.

Kimmy,

businesspeople are good, honest people.

And their pants are never on fire.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

These are not mint.

These are the Aloha-has.

I'm allergic to coconut.

I'm sorry, I can't pay you.

This is not what we agreed to.

Where's my money?!

Ow!

How dare you kick

a businessman! (Kimmy grunts)

We built this country!

Oh, this is great. I got to record this. I'll sue you!

Keep kicking him, Kimmy!

This is a place of business!

You're trespassing

on private property, you little parasite!

Warner, I think she's really hurting him.

Oh, that's okay. He's a grown man.

She's a little girl.

Put down the briefcase, Kimmy.

Uh-oh.

(Kimmy grunts) Uh...

Oh!

Well, that's the last of it.

We are officially living together.

Honey, it's not what you think!

Please don't use me in your skits.

(groans)

Him Big Chief Need-A-Laugh.

(chanting)

(chanting)

Well,

I have got to unpack.

Porter, my bags! All aboard!

Next stop, Steubenville!

(chugging)

Now passing Old Stone Face.

(chugging)

Do they make tampons for your mouth?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think this is really gonna be great.

You do, do you?

There's a woman in your bedroom acting like a locomotive.

Come on, Dad, it's not that bad.

What is the deal with memory foam pillows?

Does it remember my head? Because, if so,

every time I lay down, it should say, "Hello, Anne."

I think my memory foam pillow has Alzheimer's...

Good night! Thank you! Drive safe!

Okay, you were right.

Help me, Daddy.

(crying): Please make the bad lady go away.

When did you learn to hypnotize people?

You stow away on a Carnival cruise ship,

you learn some things.

I got to admit, Dad, you were right about her.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to...

listen to you every once in a while.

That's the nicest thing you've said since I moved in.

Give me a hug.

(horn honks)

See?

Your old man still knows a thing or two about relationships.

(chuckles) Edna, no prints.

This no Edna's first rodeo.

(elevator bell dings)

We'll take the next one.

No, no, no. We'll squeeze in.

(horn honks)

Okay... (grunting)

Can you hit, uh, "garage"?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks. Okay.

How was your day? Good. Good.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org