Original subtitles

MAN: Who dares to challenge the Mage of Acknar?

Okay, that was great. Uh, let's try it again,

maybe with a little more wizard-like quality.

Well, what kind of wizard is he?

A... magic wizard?

Ah. Okay.

I got it.

Hey. Sorry I'm late. Hey.

Guess who was begging me to come to work again today.

Oh, well, who would know more about video games

than your 65-year-old dad? Yeah.

He was actually waiting

in the backseat of the car with his briefcase.

Oh, he thinks he's business people.

You know,

we could always give your dad a pretend office here.

Cute little nameplate, phone plugged into nothing.

Are you kidding me? I don't want him here.

It's bad enough he has to live with me.

Well, you could've said no.

I can't say no to him.

What kind of person does that to their own father?

Me. I would have enjoyed it.

In fact, I'm gonna randomly text my dad the word "no" right now.

No, don't do that. All caps, and send.

(chuckles)

* Daddy took me to the zoo

* Na, na, na, na *

* Just to see something brand-new *

* Na, na, na *

* So many stars up in the sky

* So many questions have I

* Na, na, na, na *

* Daddy took me for a ride.

I saw you.

(laughing): I saw you, too!

Do you see this?

Your father made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I already have two kids; I don't need a third.

Honey, you have got to start

talking to him about this stuff.

No, I don't. See, my relationship with my dad

is based on a mutual avoidance of conflict.

You know, you could learn a lot from us, okay?

Okay.

Warner?

Warner?

Ah. Warner, the last four of your social is

7-1-4-6, correct?

(nervous chuckle): Uh, y-yeah, but why are you using it? Well,

if I use mine, the IRS would be all over this place

like flies on a ham.

(chuckles)

I'll explain it all to you later

when I'm off the phone with Burt Dillard.

Who's Burt Dillard?

I-I don't know.

All my dad's associates have "businessman" names,

like Burt Dillard...

Thatcher Wainwright...

Jock Upson.

Well, Burt Dillard, done deal.

Camila, would you mind

pretending to be my secretary?

I need to give a ring to Granger Watts.

Gracias, muchacha. You're a peach.

(chuckles) Woop!

(gasps)

Well, now that you've... seen it,

I won't be needing a towel from here on out.

(phone rings)

(whispers): Hi, Dad.

Hello?

Eli?

Yes, Dad, I'm here.

Uh, I can't hear you. Why are you whispering?

Why are you calling at 7:00 a.m.?

Yeah, just making sure we're still on track for my visit.

What visit?

For Warner's birthday party.

Dad, Warner's birthday's in eight months.

Well, I just got an Evite

to a surprise party at Warner's this Friday.

Dad, that's my birthday.

Really?

(laughs): Yes. You just ruined a surprise party in my honor

and forgot my birthday

in one phone call.

Well, you still want me to come?

I'm kind of stuck with this plane ticket.

(scoffs)

Fine. I'll see you when you get here.

Okay. Good.

By the way,

did you text me the word "no" the other...

A surprise party?

I hate surprise parties.

You're a terrible girlfriend. Oh, I thought you said

I wasn't your girlfriend. Well, whatever you are,

you're terrible at it.

WARNER: Yes.

Feel it.

Feel the dad.

How could you invite him?

Why would you do that?

I'll tell you why-- because

two years ago, you blew

an Indian-food burp right in my face,

and it's payback time.

30 seconds of burp smell does not equal multi-day Dad visit.

Hey, you send one of mine to the hospital,

I send one of yours to the morgue.

That's the Chicago way.

Untouchables. That's right. Yeah. Untouchables.

Besides, a couple days with your dad

is not gonna be the end of the world.

Are you kidding me? He's the worst.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no. Don't do this.

No, you will lose the bad-dad showdown.

Oh, we'll see.

Okay, my dad quickly closes the laptop

every time I walk into the room.

I wonder why.

My dad can clear his throat for 50 minutes

of a 90-minute movie.

(clearing throat)

(groans)

My dad is in debt on three continents,

including Antarctica.

Who loans money there?

My dad's a light-kiss- on-the-lips dad.

Mwah!

My dad squandered away the family fortune,

and now he has to live with me.

My dad divorced my mom and left the country when I was five.

(imitating gun firing) (imitating bullets ricocheting)

Sorry.

Look, you're lucky your dads are American.

My dad beat me with a math book till I was 16.

Well, see, there you go, th-that's exactly why

we need your help on Friday when we pitch

to the Chinese investors. Because of my intimate knowledge of Chinese culture?

No. Because you're gonna dress up

like a sexy Asian schoolgirl.

I can't do that.

Oh, you can. Sure you can.

Here, uh, practice with me. (clears throat, sniffs)

(high-pitched giggling)

This you?

What?!

No, that's not me!

That's the kid from Mask,

one of the ugliest people in human history.

I don't know.

He looks like you in the face parts.

There's my birthday boy.

WOMAN: Eli,

is okay I coming on 2:30 next week?

Are you asking me or telling me?

Okay, thank you.

Why does your bag say:

"Say 'yes' to breast cancer"?

It was a misprint.

They were giving them away at a 5K.

You did a 5K?

There was free water every K.

I just got in my car and drove K to K.

So, you want to flip for the bed?

Dad, there is no way you're sleeping

in my... Heads, heads, heads, heads, heads!

See you in the morning. (Eli groans)

Stay out of the bathroom between 3:00 and 4:00.

That's my go time.

All right, are you ready

to dazzle those Chinese investors?

What is this?

It's your helmet. You're a rock-and-roll American

who rides a motorcycle. No.

Yes! No!

No more characters. Come on,

you come into that meeting late,

wearing this helmet-- it says to them:

"I don't care if I die riding a motorcycle.

I just want to make great video games."

If I don't care if I die,

why am I wearing a helmet?

Well, hello, kitty. (chuckles)

(continues chuckling)

It's-it's good.

Like, it's... it's pretty, and you, like...

like, it works, and I like it. It's...

Stop... filing this away.

I can't. I'm sorry.

I just promoted myself to VP of game development,

and I'm taking next week off.

We, uh... we really want to thank you

for your sacrifice and your teamwork--

okay, now I'm filing it away. (groans)

You know,

there's another very big business meeting going on today.

Oh, that's right-- our dads are having lunch.

Who do you think picks up that check?

Oh, I say check placed on table followed by a long pause.

And then at least two fake bathroom trips.

I've seen my dad physically nudge a check

towards the other person.

Does one of them die there?

(gasps) Do both of them die there?

Oh.

So, you got your whole office in there?

Yeah, pretty nearly, yeah.

I just came from a very interesting...

very interesting, in fact, meeting

with an outfit that owns the copyright to Black Santa Claus,

of all things.

They're going to make a fortune for the right investor.

Investing! Giving your money to someone.

Here you go, stranger with a tie.

I was hoping you could turn my money into more money,

but if you can't, I'll understand.

Look at our sons.

Their stock has never been higher,

and with my help, they're gonna go global.

In fact,

today they are meeting with some Orientals.

So... what time is this birthday party tonight?

Oh, I think it's at, uh, 7:00.

I thought it was at 7:30.

(coughs)

(sputters)

(exhales): Ah...

Let me check my day planner.

Yes, I have 7:00.

Well, 7:00, 7:30-- what does it matter?

(sneezes loudly)

So, the one thing that we learned

from the success of-of Kill Hitler

is that... people love killing Hitler.

So, i-in Kill Hitler 2,

there are 45 new ways that you can kill Hitler.

Check it out. You can hang Hitler.

You can electrocute Hitler.

(groaning)

You can even impale Hitler with a menorah.

What the heil? (groans)

(giggles)

(camera clicks)

(speaking Chinese)

We like what we're hearing

and want very much to work with you

and your rock-and-roll American rebel man.

That's fantastic. Yeah, yeah.

ELI: Thank you. Thank you so mu... so much.

Uh, lock the door.

Lock the door.

Warner! Open up. I'm here to help.

No, no, Dad, we just sealed a handshake agreement.

(scoffs) Then you've got nothing. Okay.

Listen,

go to my office. There's a granola bar

in the top drawer. No, no, no. No, Warner,

the Chinese are-are a lovely and honorable people,

but you can't trust 'em. Dad, please.

Dad, please,

stop it! There's a reason Shanghai's a verb.

Daddy, no!

CAMILA: I can't believe they didn't want to invest millions

with a guy who says, "Daddy, no!"

Well, it was kind of my dad's fault

for showing up in the first place, don't you think?

Okay, see, this is your fault because you never confront him.

I can't yell at him. It's like...

it's like yelling at a golden retriever with a briefcase.

Boy, that went south in a heartbeat today, didn't it?

(laughs)

Ah, but don't you worry. They'll be back.

I have been in this position many, many times before.

They-they told us never to call them again. (chuckles)

Yeah. Don't you just love the dance? (chuckles)

So you don't think that was a total disaster today?

Would I be celebrating with your last beer if I thought that?

Look, Dad, this is really difficult for me to say,

but I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it right now.

Camila thinks you, uh, ruined the deal today.

(doorbell rings)

Surprise!

(chuckles) Hi, guys.

You must be Warner.

Yeah. Don't learn my name. It's easier that way.

Mwah!

Hi, Warner.

Did you taste the tuna that he had for breakfast?

Mm-hmm. And it would have been a billion-dollar deal

if somebody had told me

the correct pronunciation is "Shiite Muslim."

Well, Eli, I propose a toast.

Dad, no talking. Just enjoy the free food.

Uh, speech!

Speech! (chuckles) Thank you, Warner.

And thanks to your beautiful maid

for making all this food.

I'm his wife. Well,

when Eli was born

and came out with red hair, I couldn't believe he was mine,

so I had his mother take a paternity test.

Come on, Dad.

(chuckling): Paternity test?

The test determined that I was the father,

but with technology back then, who knows?

He doesn't. (chuckles)

Happy birthday, Eli.

Wow, awesome toast. There's a lot of love there.

And here's your gift. Oh.

Well... (clears throat)

(scoffs)

My birthday gift is a framed photo of you?

You don't like it?

Eh, you look like a disgraced science teacher.

Well, that's pretty ungrateful.

What am I supposed to be grateful for?

The time you introduced me to a woman named Deb

as my new mom and then broke up with her 20 minutes later?

We grew apart.

Hey-o! (chuckles)

What about when, uh, you shaved my head

before we went to Disneyland?

We got a free lunch with Goofy, didn't we?

It's not funny, Dad.

You can't just make a joke out of everything.

Well, if I don't, who will? Not you.

You've got your mother's sense of humor,

i.e. none.

Well, here's something you might find funny:

I'm leaving my own birthday party because of you.

Good night, everybody!

There was a sleeping child in the room I stormed into.

BOY (crying): Daddy!

I thought it was the bed with the coats on it,

so I grabbed him really hard.

BRITISH NARRATOR: And so this new wave of anti-Semitism led

to what became known as the Granada Massacre (door opens)

of 1066. Some 1,500

Jewish families were slaughtered and those

left behind were forced to pay the newly imposed poll tax...

(David clears throat loudly)

In many ways, the event was mirrored in 1840

by what is commonly known as the Damascus Affair,

in which Middle Eastern Jews were blamed

for the disappearance of a French monk and his scribe.

Kristallnacht, also known as the Night

of the Broken Glass, was a series of coordinated attacks

against the Jews throughout Nazi Germany

and parts of Austria in November

of 1938... (clears throat)

(program continues indistinctly)

(bell dings)

What you playing?

Punch the Puerto Rican?

No, it's a boxing game we're developing.

It doesn't have a name yet. Uh-huh.

Well, jot down "Punch the Puerto Rican."

Let the marketing people take it from there.

Hey, Dad, you know we don't work together, right?

Well, you and I have a very special relationship.

You know, I see David and Eli going at it,

and I just think, "Wow, how lucky we are."

I mean, we just... get along. (chuckles)

Look, Dad, I-I know you think we get along, but...

Yes, son?

(sighs)

No, you're right.

We do get along.

I love you, buddy.

And I love you, too, son.

Well, ups and downs, but we came out

on the other side. Bye, Dad!

I'll call you next week. Yeah.

All right.

Bye.

Take those calcium pills.

You have a good one, Dad!

(whoops loudly)

Taxi!

(knocking)

Dad, what are you doing?

How did you know I was here?

Well, I hit a red light on the way out of the airport.

* Yeah, yeah, yeah. (humming)

(humming)

No. No!

What are you doing?

Go back!

Go back!

We made a deal!

So what's going on, Dad?

Why aren't you going back home?

The truth is, there's no home to go back to.

I couldn't make the last few payments on the condo

and the bank took it back. What?

Why didn't you come to me? I would've loaned you the money.

Do you have any idea how humiliating that would be?

Look, I guess I was just hoping that I could stay with you,

like Warner's dad stays with him.

Then we started arguing, and I knew

it wasn't gonna happen, so here I am.

Look, Dad, I'm sorry that we fight. It's just...

(sighs)

Sometimes... I feel like you're rooting for me to fail.

And that's terrifying.

I'm the one who's failed.

Failed to keep my home,

failed to stay with your mom, failed to be a real dad to you.

Oh, come on.

You're gonna deny those things?

No, but I'm gonna say, "Oh, come on."

(sighs) Look, Dad,

it's not too late. I mean, we can try.

Come on. Get your stuff. Let's get out of this place.

You can stay with me.

Really?

Yeah. Thanks.

I love you, Eli.

Oh. Yeah. Uh... (sputters)

Big-time ditto.

(sighs)

Mwah! (groans)

And this is their ethnically and sexually diverse workplace.

(chuckles)

Where's your gay guy?

Show him your gay guy.

You know, we actually had to expand into this office

a couple months ago because the company's growing so fast.

Yeah, things are going great now, but... Dad.

What? I was just gonna say someday they won't be.

Guys, I think I fixed your screwup.

The deal with the Chinese is back on.

What? That's amazing. How?

Oh, that creepy translator texted me a picture

of his tiny penis, so I threatened to put it online

unless he convinced the investors to approve the deal.

(chuckles)

Nice! All right. (Veronica chuckles)

All right, let's see it.

(clears throat)

It looks like something you'd pick out of a salad.

It looks like a cashew on a shag carpet.

And this was the best photo he took.

Can you imagine the other nine he deleted to get here?

(Veronica chuckles)

This is nice.

This is really, really nice.

Now, I see an inchworm and a little tiny fireman's hat.

Oh, I see it. Oh, yeah, I see it, too.