Original subtitles

Jack Morell to the counter. Jack Morell to the counter!

Jack Morell!

Come. Be my guest at the front of the line.

Thanks, but I gotta go. This is crazy!

-Wait your turn. Wait your— -Mr. Schultz.

-Excuse me. -Can I talk to you for a second?

Look, if I ever needed to get off on time, tonight is the night.

It's practically life or death.

What do you mean?

As soon as we get these loonies out of here,

we are taking inventory.

Invent— Mr. Schultz, I can't tonight.

Ask me every Sunday for six months. Ask me Christmas.

But please, Mr. Schultz, not tonight.

If you're not here tonight, you are out of a job.

-But, sir, I have got an opportunity— -No inventory, no job.

Okay, Schultzy, have it your way.

But the next time you take inventory in here

you'll be counting the albums of Jack Morell.

Because I am a composer, not a schlepper salesman!

My time is now!

Whoa! Ah!

Fattening up for the miss piggy look-alike contest, huh?

Get out of here. For the first time in my life,

I can eat as much as I want to, and I intend to.

-Oh, yeah? Okay. -Yeah.

You may have given up your glamorous career, but mine is just beginning.

-What do you mean? -What do I mean?

You are looking at tonight's guest DJ at Saddle Tramps disco.

Benny Murray called me at the store. Their regular guy is sick.

The relief is lost somewhere on fire island, so I'll be working tonight.

-And it doesn't make a difference -Coming through!

-What doesn't make any difference? -Nothing. Nothing.

Don't worry about it. Nothing major. Either quit or was fired.

-Jack, what— -Sam, tonight I'm in show business!

Where I belong!

-What are you doing? -I have a heavy night. Take me home.

Leave me alone. I said leave me alone.

A fiery horse with speed of light, a cloud of dust

and a hearty "Hi ho, silver".

The lone ranger.

Hey, Felipe, what are you doing up there?

My TV broke. I crawled in the window. It's all right, isn't it?

Sure. Why not? This is neighborly New York.

Hey, Felipe, we're working together.

Benny made me guest DJ at the club tonight.

It's about time somebody's hip to your talent.

Yeah, it's a good thing he did. This one just got fired.

Quit.

Fired, quit. It still means the same thing: no income.

Sam! That's very materialistic.

Well, life is materialistic. I can't help it.

I didn't invent it. I'm just in it.

I didn't invent it. I'm just in it.

♪ I didn't invent it. ♪ I'm just in it

♪ I didn't invent it ♪ I'm just in it

Hey, Sam! That's pretty good. Maybe I'll use it.

You scratch that counter, I'm charging you for it.

Sam, when the music money starts rolling in, I'll buy you ten counters.

I'll buy you a kitchen. I'll buy you a whole restaurant.

Okay, so remember me at royalty time.

Just what I need, a summer shower.

So? Do a rain dance.

Okay.

-It's talk time. -No talk time.

-Oh, yes, yes, yes. Talk time. -I need action, not words.

Look, you may have started out here as my house sitter,

but you've been here so long, you have achieved little brother status.

And I love you very much. I care what happens to your life.

Look, if you wanna get mushy

let's pretend you don't think of me as your little brother.

-Come on. I'm trying to be serious. -I know.

Look, I don't wanna sound like your mother.

You don't. She thinks I'm a musical genius.

-Jack. -Stop and listen.

-To what? -To me.

look, tonight Benny Murray is gonna see that I am merely fabulous.

He's gonna make me the full-time DJ.

Sam, don't you know what that means to me? it's everything.

I get to play my music, the people are gonna start collapsing,

and the big record companies are gonna come crawling!

Look, I've been telling you ever since I've known you that I'm fantastic,

that my music is good, and tonight I'm gonna prove it.

Look, if you don't like what I do,

if you don't like everything,

I'll go back to dental school like my father wants.

But you gotta give me a chance. that's all I'm asking for.

-You want this a lot, don't you? -Yeah.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I will come and listen to your music,

if you're telling me the truth about going back to school.

Deal.

Ready for another moment of truth?

Sure. Hit me.

The hose just leaked all over the rug.

Oh, no! It cost me a mint! Oh!

-Felipe, she's coming! -Great!

-Get the bike. I gotta get dressed. -Okay.

Oh, boy. One hot night coming up.

-Hey, I'll see you later. Gotta go change. I'll meet you at the club. -Okay.

Sam? I'll see you later.

Don't be late.

Dry, darling. Dry!

Stand up, fibers.

Oh, please. Come on. Nice little rug.

I just don't believe how they line up outside of Saddle Tramps.

Please. They line up to get into my dry cleaners.

I guess it's big apple psychology.

Oh, I'm sure.

Give me two brandys. See you later, babe. Hey, honey!

Hi, Felipe!

-Hey, Sam, how you doing? Hey, Alicia, you look great. -Thanks.

-Jack's in the booth. -How's it going?

I guess it's going okay. He hasn't played any of his stuff yet.

Oh, Mr. Murray.

That's too bad.

Benny Murray, I'd like you to meet Samantha Simpson and Alicia Edwards.

-Hey, I'll see you later. -All right. Ciao.

She's a top model.

-How do you do, miss Edwards? -Simpson.

Right! I've seen you plastered all over New York.

Well, don't spread it around.

This place is getting to be a regular studio 54.

-You know Halston, the big designer? -Mm-hmm.

His seamstress was here the other night with Calvin Klein's chauffeur.

Lots of biggies, you know?

How chic.

Relax. Boogie. Have yourself a good time.

Anything you need, just ask for Benny. That's what I'm here for.

hey, Felipe!

Sam!

Hey, take my purse and put it behind the bar.

I wanna dance!

You want somebody who's tall and blonde or short and dark?

-How about blonde? -Right here.

Oh, jeez! Blane! Hi!

Randy!

Hey!

-this will keep you in shape. -Jack!

Hey, Jack!

Hey, Jack!

Oh, wow! Super!

Hey!

Go on. Go on.

And focus. Get a focus.

Focus!

Can't let a famous face go unphotographed, you know. Ah!

Hi. This sure is more fun than dental school.

You are looking at a king in his castle.

See, these switches can lift, drop,

and change the disposition of everybody in here.

I should have known when the music went mad, it would be you at the controls.

Sam. Look at 'em.

They're happy. They're so happy.

They've forgotten everything that gets 'em down.

That's what it's all about, isn't it?

Music is magic.

I wanna make that magic.

Like this, for instance.

Oh, Jack. Oh!

Please, don't slobber on the star. I may get electrocuted.

Look. This is your number. Go dance.

You're going to be terrific. Don't let it go to your head.

Don't worry.

I can handle success a hell of a lot better than I can handle a root canal.

-Take over the next set for me, huh? -Sure.

Hey, your stuff is terrific.

Thank you, son.

Jack! Jack!

-Jack, you were wonderful. -Do you really mean it?

Yes! Absolutely. You should be recorded.

Now, how many songs do you have? I mean to show.

Oh, a lot. They're in various stages of completion,

-but it wouldn't take long. -How long?

I don't know.

Make me a really good demo tape and we'll take it to a record company.

-Sam, there's more to it than that. -Like what?

Like- Like it's impossible.

Look, nobody has time for anybody, and nobody gives new people a break.

This may come as a surprise to you,

but while you were flunking out of college,

I was dating and romancing some of the real biggies of the record industry.

-Mama has connections. -All right!

Sam, will you get that, please?

Hello.

Sam, I'm sorry to bother you,

but I am making this call under extreme duress.

I laugh, I cry, I go on welfare.

I am an unmarried, unemployed woman.

Lulu, what's the matter?

Sydne threatened to give me the sack unless I made this call.

Can you imagine that? Me who has given that sack the best years of my life?

Lulu, shut up and give me that phone!

Aah! Aah! Stop me!

How fat are you?

Enormous. I've blown up like the Hindenburg.

This is Sydne Channing, who only helped make you the biggest model of the '70s.

Come clean.

Sydne, darling, the '70s are dead and gone.

The '80s are going to be something wonderfully new and different, and so am I.

Free, happy and content.

Contented. But that's perfect for the ad campaign for the American dairy association.

Cows?

Milk, dearest. It comes from cows.

Sydne, don't get upset.

I've tried to explain to you. I have retired, once and for all.

This is going to be the biggest campaign for the entire fall.

Mucho lucrativo. Money, honey!

Sydne, it was really sweet of you to ask me,

But how many times do I have to tell you "no"?

You are passing up the chance of a lifetime!

-May I please speak to Lulu? -There's really no accounting for taste.

Here. She wants to talk to you.

Yeah?

Well, I don't know. Why don't I call you, okay? Bye.

What did she say? Tell me everything.

She just invited me over to see her new apartment.

-But I don't know if I can make it. -Oh, yes, you can.

She's done a very clever thing. She's retired.

She's the Garbo of models, and everyone is clamoring for her,

and I'm going to deliver her if it's the last thing I do.

To the dairy association?

We are going to make milk more glamorous than champagne.

Make a note. 1: I'm going to suggest they redesign the bottle.

2: I'm going to insist they cork it.

3: Miss Samantha Simpson is going back to work.

Sam, you gotta hear this!

What do you think?

-Sweet. -Sweet?

-Yeah. -Sweet?

Johann Strauss writes sweet. Sweet is for waltzes.

I can't hear the music for your voice.

What about the lyrics?

Jack, darling, the song may be wonderful,

but your voice sounds like a cry for help.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry I don't have a million people sitting out there singing in the courtyard.

My musical empire is not finished yet.

Well, shouldn't a demo sound like a real record?

Yes, but do you know how much that's going to cost?

Why is it that you're the most expensive person I've ever been involved with?

And we're not even lovers. Do you know any singers?

Yeah. What about the Supremes? They're not working.

Sam, today nobody sings. Everybody dances.

This calls for some very serious plotting and scheming.

You go back to work. I need some energy.

I'm going for a baskin-robbins rush.

Ah, have a good time. Get a double-dip on me.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, Felipe, how are you doing?

-C, C-minus. -What's the matter?

I had to leave my feathers to be oiled,

and they gave me this one to wear, and it doesn't even fit right.

You think you've got problems?

Jack needs some voices on a tape tonight,

and I need some professional singers who will work for what I can afford to pay.

Professional and for free? That you ain't gonna find.

Ah, my greatest fear.

Well, listen. Tell me something. Do you sing?

Do I sing? Do I sing?

♪ When I'm calling you

Zap! you're a star, at least for tonight.

-My house, 8:00. -Gotcha!

God! I should've known you could sing

but I guess when you see somebody every day, you just sort of take 'em for granted.

I mean, counting out exercises is sort of like singing, isn't it?

Yeah, I think it is, you know. It's sort of like-

♪ Got the backbone ♪ connected to the hipbone

♪ And the hipbone connected ♪ to the thigh bone

♪ And the thigh bone ♪ connected to the leg bone

Hey, how's that? Is that a star or is that a star?

Ping! Tonight it is. Be at my house at 8:00.

I'll furnish the food, you furnish the voice.

And the wine.

You always were a great hostess, Sam.

-Don't be fresh. Do you have a handkerchief? -Here you go.

Thanks.

-Thanks. -Sure.

Now, we're recording a song my roommate wrote.

It's tonight in our backyard, a sort of party, demo-session.

Wait. Don't thank me.

That's what friends are for. I'm just glad I can include you.

Well, you can include me out.

That is the worst idea I ever heard.

What, a bunch of yo-yo's puttin' on a homemade group in your backyard?

That went out with Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney on the late show.

Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney.

Never miss those MGM musicals on the late show,

Mainly because that's where they run my commercials.

Is that your real singing voice on those commercials?

Yeah, but I'm surprised you can hear it at all. There's so much product-pitching.

-Are you ready, David? -Yeah, I'm ready.

Are you serious about singing?

Fanatical.

Fame, fortune, platinum records.

It's every boy's dream.

♪ I love you to death ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ Till there's ♪ nothing left

♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you

♪ I love you to death ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ Till you're out of breath

♪ I love you to death

♪ I need you

♪ When your lips ♪ get close to mine

♪ I know the heat ♪ will drive you crazy

♪ I'm gonna make ♪ that body mine

♪ The way you move ♪ is so amazing

♪ Ay-yi-yi ♪ I'm loving you

♪ Ay-yi-yi ♪ I'm wanting you

♪ Ay-yi-yi ♪ I'll move all over you

♪ Ahh!

♪ I love you to death ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ I will never stop

♪ Till you reach the top

♪ I love you

♪ I love you to ♪ death I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ Love you till the end ♪ then we'll love again

♪ I need you

♪ I feel the fever ♪ getting hot

♪ I like the motion ♪ of your body

♪ 'Cause what you need ♪ is what I've got

♪ Come on with me ♪ we'll have a party

♪ Ay-yi-yi ♪ know what to do

♪ Ay-yi-yi ♪ got love for you

♪ Ay-yi-yi ♪ I'll give my best to you

♪ I love you to death ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ Till there's nothing left ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you

♪ I love you to death ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ Till you're ♪ out of breath

♪ I love you to death

♪ I need you

♪ Baby

♪ I'm gonna ♪ love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ I will never stop ♪ till you reach the top

♪ I love you

♪ I love you to death ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ I love you till the end ♪ then we'll love again

♪ I need you

♪ I love you to death ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you to death ♪ oh, baby

♪ till there's nothing left ♪ I love you to death

♪ I love you

All right. Kill the lights.

Hey, have you been listening to anything I've been saying?

Yeah.

Well, if you're interested be at my house tonight at 8:00.

I'll try to make it.

-Hodo, are you ready? -Yeah, ready.

All right, roll it.

Nice box.

Look out!

Ow!

Oh, no! She got hit. Somebody get an ambulance.

Are you all right, ma'am?

You all right? Ma'am, you all right?

Hands up, shithead.

-Oh, my god. -Oh, what a score.

Oh, beautiful.

Oh, lovely.

-What's in the box? -It's a cake.

Enjoy it.

I've got you covered.

Don't move until we turn around the corner.

Hit it, butch.

-Hey, girls, you want an apple? -No, thanks.

Operator. Operator, my finger is caught-

My finger... Operator, my finger is stuck in the dial.

Operator!

Help!

Help!

Hey! Help! Help!

Hey, Felipe, would you please look in your apartment

for the Christmas decorations I stored there?

-I need the color wheel. -Okay.

Sam, we're just trying to get some voices down on tape, not opening up a big show.

Well, as long as went to all this trouble, we may as well try to make a little magic.

Maybe some of it'll come across in the tape.

Hey, you need any help?

Ohh! The Indian is hot.

I go for exotic types, particularly when they're half naked.

Lulu!

You tell him

I'll make up for all the indignities they suffered in roots.

Oh! Merde!

I just dropped my contact lens in the lasagna.

Is it mustard or relish? It was mustard.

Lulu, be a darling and stick your finger in there and see if you can find it.

Be original. Leave it in. Call it "lasagna crunch".

Well, I guess I'll go crack the whip on the boys, huh?

Into S&M, eh?

Hey, I'm preparing this major meal

and you guys haven't even started rehearsing yet?

-We were promised dinner. -No food until I hear some music.

Listen. Why don't you hand out the music while they're in the mood?

Well, we ran out of stationery and I didn't have enough time to make copies.

-So use paper napkins. -Okay.

Felipe, come up and get some pencils.

Okay, just a second.

Why don't you play them the song?

Right. All right.

Okay, guys, let's start learning this song, all right?

I'm gonna record the rehearsal and we'll overdub when we sing it again.

Dave, Felipes. Hey, Randy, let's go.

-You finished? -Are you through already?

It's gonna be in four-four, okay? Can you sing high-low?

So it's a

♪ Magic night

♪ ba ba ba ba b ♪ a ba ba ba

-That fast? Wait. -Slow it down a little bit.

I want deep. I want "ba ba ba".

Sam, this place is starting to look like a terrarium.

You know something, Lulu? I have reached a point in my life

where I find people and animals too demanding.

The only relationship I could sustain is with a plant.

How bizarre.

You know what else? I've also discovered the joys of cooking and cleaning.

Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it,

I swear I will never do it again, until the next time company comes.

Tacky.

oh, and how is the platinum prince charming of the record world?

Would you believe I had to make an appointment with him to break up?

And he didn't even bat an eye.

Kept talking on two phones, looking at the billboard charts and trying to sign Rod Stewart.

And the Post said he had a nervous breakdown when you left him.

Yeah.

Just an excuse to write off a vacation in the Bahamas.

Sam, may I ask what you are doing?

do you think I am going to serve and expensive contact lens to that crowd?

No.

No.

let's go check on the Vienna boys choir.

Oh, Sam, I'll take care of this.

Oh, Ginny, could you help me with this, please? thank you.

Okay, you guys, keep singing.

Randy, try singing lead. David, take your voice lower.

I guess I gotta get a new tape.

Could you bring us something to drink?

Come here.

I am really nervous. I mean, what if this doesn't work out?

Oh, Jackie, auntie Lulu has a great relaxer,

direct from mother nature.

Lulu! I don't think so.

Come on. You have some of this and I'll have some of yours.

What do you mean, mine?

Please! With all the plants Sam's got around here,

I'll take some of the homegrown kind.

-You grow it at home? -Does the postman ring twice?

Lulu, you're crazy.

Oh, come on, Jackie. Come on.

-Lulu! -Trust me.

Just a minute!

Just a minute!

I'm Ron White. Your sister sent you a cake.

A little old lady just robbed me!

Would you mind running through that again?

A little old lady with a big gun held me up.

No kidding. how do you know my sister?

I lived next door to her in St. Louis.

she must have been 80 years old.

Oh, that's not my sister. I mean, she's older than I am, but...

She got my wallet, my watch, my class ring. She got my phi beta kappa key.

well, I'm sure glad she didn't get the cake. I forgot to order dessert.

-can I use the phone? -how long have you been in New York?

I just moved here. I'm a tax lawyer.

You must stay for dinner. I am so mad at that IRS.

I'm going to file late next year.

I gotta call the police.

It's a raid!

Just kidding.

This is officer Ray Simpson.

Officer Simpson? Am I glad to see you.

I was leaving an audition this afternoon when I heard this great voice.

it was him, giving a singing parking ticket.

he used to sing with a group of policemen called the Cop Outs.

clever, huh?

I hope I'm not barging in.

No, you're just in time. Ron here just got rolled by an old lady.

Robbed, not rolled.

Why don't you all help yourself to some vino?

-I wanna show you something divine. -Ooh, I can hardly wait.

Retail, but on sale.

Are you really a policeman?

you don't know black Irish when you see it?

well, I did get robbed, by an old lady.

On a moped?

That's her.

write down what you lost. I'll see what I can do.

-You here to sing? -What?

I am. You got a pencil?

-Right here. -Follow me.

The list?

Hey.

Shh.

Look into my eyes. Are they red?

Do you think anybody can tell?

Oh, relax, honey.

next time I'll get you some magic mushrooms.

hey, Jack! Jack! hi.

Hi. Come on and meet Ray. Hey, Ray!

Hi.

Oh. Oh, god.

Come on. He's got a wonderful voice.

-How you doing? -Hi.

-It's a tape. -Yeah.

Help!

help me.

ah! oh!

hey! hey! hey, you!

-The door's jammed. -What?

Get some help. The door's jammed.

Madam.

Oh! Oh, god.

What is this, some kind of halfway house?

That's as good a name as any.

Come on. We're getting into the music business. Get the wine.

Hey, you guys, this is Ron. Poor baby just got rolled.

Hi.

Ron! Oh, this is Lulu Brecht, best dresser in the business.

Ah. My undressing ain't bad either.

come on. pay no attention.

Wine.

Is there any reason why he's dressed like an Indian?

Maybe it's his fantasy.

Being a cowboy is my fantasy

but I don't go around dressed like one.

Too bad. We could use another hand on this spread. Ohh!

Jackie!

Mother! I didn't know you were coming to town.

Sure. I took a bus from jersey to see a matinee.

Rotten. Not like the days when I was a chorine.

Jackie, I can't wait for the day

when something you've written is produced on Broadway.

-Mother, would you do me a favor? -Sure.

don't tell everyone here that I'm a genius.

I'm your mother.

I know, but these are my friends

and geniuses have a real hard time keeping friends, okay?

Here. I brought you something from Zabar's.

I brought you something from Bloomie's.

Did you get stuffed cabbage?

What else?

Helen!

Ah! hello. Now, Samantha,

you know from women's wear daily and like that.

Tell me. How do you like my new outfit, huh?

Gucci, pucci, fiorucci.

It's beautiful.

It's colorful.

eats, everyone!

hey, great!

have some food.

That salad looks good.

Felipes, look who's here. Ah!

You look great. Wonderful.

Want some wine?

David, this is my mom.

Here. Want some wine?

Hi. I love Jack's song.

Oh, my.

I should never come downtown.

Nice kitty.

You run along.

Move it, cat. You rotten pussy.

-Help! I'm being attacked! -Sydne!

As god is my witness, I had nothing to do with this.

This is Sydne Channing,

A semi-legend in her own time.

-Sydne, this is ridiculous. -For once, we are in agreement.

hello, boys.

Sydne, you have arrived here like the wicked witch of the west.

And you've turned into Snow White.

And here are the seven dwarfs. Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy and...

Gorgeous.

how do you do? I'm Sydne Channing.

Do you have representation?

I'm the most important commercial and print agent in New York.

What?

Fruit of the loom is doing a big ad campaign.

Something tells me that you could really fit into a pair of jockey shorts.

What a delightful icebreaker.

Sydne, have some lasagna.

It's an evil day when America's top model

throws it all away to become a den mother.

Mm-mm.

It's so crunchy.

I am in shock.

I had no idea this was happening.

Something kept saying, "Go, be with Jackie tonight"

and, my god, it's a show business first.

my very own son

recording a real, live backyard album.

Why, it's just like Judy Garland at Carnegie Hall,

Sophie Tucker at the palace

or Minnie Pearl selling friend chicken.

Did you know-

Do you realize what brought me here tonight?

Kismet. That means "fate".

Ma

Oh, honeybuns, don't you realize

it's your music that's bringing all of these talented boys together.

-They ought to get down on their knees -Mom.

-They're doing this as a favor. -A favor!

Why, it's the greatest favor they've ever done for themselves.

Guys, let's get this show on the road.

Dave? Randy?

You got it.

Brace yourselves for a debut.

Go get 'em!

Did I say something?

Give us the lyrics.

I might not have to use this.

♪ When I'm ♪ with my friends

♪ There's magic ♪ in the air

♪ Good vibrations ♪ always surround us

♪ Play some good music

♪ The moment has flair

♪ Happiness and joy's ♪ everywhere

♪ So have a good time ♪ everyone have some fun

♪ Leave all of your ♪ problems behind you

♪ Come and sing along

♪ Join in on my song

♪ Sing about ♪ this magical night

♪ Magic night

♪ Magic's in the music ♪ it's a magic night

♪ We all need to use it ♪ we can have a good time

♪ And enjoy

♪ All the magical vibes ♪ on this great magic night

♪ Good friends all around you ♪ it's a magic night

♪ Magic sure will find ♪ you so let's all try tonight

♪ To feel love

♪ Coming from inside ♪ each other

♪ When I'm with my friends ♪ friends with whom I can share

♪ All my ups and downs ♪ and betweens with

♪ When I'm with loved ones ♪ the moments are dear

♪ So much magic ♪ is in the air

♪ Magic's when I come ♪ together with my friends

♪ People from the world ♪ all around us

♪ Sharing the good things ♪ we all love to share

♪ So much love ♪ is found in the air

♪ Magic night

♪ Magic's in the music ♪ it's a magic night

♪ We all need to use it ♪ we can have a good time

♪ And enjoy

♪ All the magical vibes ♪ on this great magic night

♪ Good friends all around you ♪ it's a magic night

♪ Magic sure will find you ♪ so let's all try tonight

♪ To feel love

♪ Coming from inside ♪ each other

-Hey, let's go down. -Let's go.

♪ So much magic

♪ So much magic

♪ So much magic

♪ Magic night ♪ magic's in the music

♪ It's a magic night ♪ we all need to use it

-♪ We can have a good time -Samantha.

♪ and enjoy all the magical vibes

-Samantha. -Hey!

♪ On this great magic night

Not bad for a Wednesday night.

I've gotta be going.

-I'll let myself out. -Wait a minute.

The lasagna was good.

Wait a minute!

We're just getting started!

♪ Magic night ♪ magic's in the music

This is the best party we've had in weeks. Why are you leaving so early?

Let's put it this way: your friends are a little far out for me.

-What do you mean? -I don't understand

why a good-looking girl like you is down here in the village

with a bunch of… I don't know what!

Do you know something? I don't judge people. I accept them.

There isn't a person who breathes who doesn't have certain peculiarities.

As long as it doesn't hurt anybody, it's all right with me.

Yeah, but where do you draw the line?

With uptight squares like you.

Really.

♪ On this great magic night

♪ Good friends all around you ♪ it's a magic night

Sam, am I crazy, or does it sound wonderful?

Yes. Both of the above.

Well, what do we do now?

Sell the recording and publishing rights.

-You can do that? -Like a snap.

Oh, Sam!

♪ Magic night

♪ Magic's in the music ♪ it's a magic night

♪ We all need to use it ♪ we can have a good time

♪ And enjoy

♪ All the magical vibes ♪ on this great magic night

Hi, Sam.

I cannot believe that on the hottest day of the year the air-conditioning goes out.

Well, how'd it go today?

-It didn't. -Didn't what? -It didn't go.

I saw a music publisher, a couple of talent agents and a record company V.P.

-What'd they say? -"Would I discuss it over dinner?"

-It's the same old casting couch routine. -Sam, this is very depressing.

Critical. I ate two snowballs, one ding dong and a couple of twinkies.

Make you feel any better?

If you like feeling like the Pillsbury doughboy.

Who's the most important record person we both know?

Steve Waits.

Oh, no. I'm not swallowing my pride and going back to him.

-Sure you can. -Uh-uh.

Anybody who can swallow two snowballs and a ding dong

shouldn't have any trouble with pride.

You're doing him a favor, Sam.

-I'm a very talented composer, right? -Right.

And Marrakech Records is the biggest and the best.

So why don't we start at the top? it's better than working our way up.

What do you say?

That's my kind of logic. Help me get ready.

great.

all right.

what should I give him? Innocent little girl or woman of the world?

Well, if you asked me, I'd take-

I know what you'd choose. Which reminds me.

how come I haven't heard the pitter-patter of little stewardesses' pumps lately?

-Have you been declared off-limits? -No. They ha—

What do you mean?

I've given up my love life completely

until after I've gotten something recorded.

-I made a solemn vow. -Jack, that could take-

Shh! Don't say it. Don't even think about it.

Just pick out your dress and go sell your ass off.

Well, this definitely calls for tits and tears.

Well, sure I got time for you. Go ahead.

What? no, we are shipping triple platinum. Absolutely no returns.

-Anybody else call? -Rod Stewart.

Get me his private number. Can't get it from celebrity service.

Would you find me Rod Stewart? when you do, have him call me back immediately. Yes!

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

Samantha! Out.

Uh-huh.

Oh!

Don't I get a kiss?

Fifty-thousand dollars! are you crazy?

Who do you think I am, Neil Bogart? Keep in touch.

Can I get you a drink?

What? No. Wait, wait. Would you just wait?

Now, how did we release the new single in Atlanta?

Yeah. Tell him I'll call him back.

-Now, uh, where were we? -Well, Steve, if I could just-

One second. Yeah?

No. Tell him I'll see him a little after 7:00. Wait a minute.

Samantha, where are you going? Samantha, wait a minute.

You're doing it again. it's all coming back to me.

Living with the touch-tone kid. I can't get a word in edgewise.

-You mean the telephone? -Yeah.

No, this is me in the past. This is not me now.

-No, you've changed. -Yeah. I'll call you back.

You don't have a phone in your limo?

Next to the john? next to the bed?

In the sauna?

No.

That's what I thought.

Okay, wait. Just one minute. One minute!

Wanna see what I think of telephones now?

That's what I think of telephones now!

Hello. Look, will you just hold all calls?

I gotta get out of this business. Have a seat, sweetheart.

Yeah.

What I'm trying to tell you is that I'm different now.

And well, the fact is that the reasons you left me simply don't exist anymore.

I don't even have to answer that.

Prove it.

Oh, god. I've really missed you, you know that?

I've never stopped loving you, ever, ever, ever.

That body of yours is so beautiful.

I'll never forget you.

I've got to have you again. I love you.

-Was that Rod Stewart? -Steve, this is not exactly what I had in mind.

Oh, Sam. Do you think there's anything left between us?

Well, yeah. Why don't we make some beautiful music together?

A cassette?

Oh, no. Not you too.

Oh, jeez. Everybody is pushing their music these days!

I know what it is. You got a new boyfriend who's learning how to play the guitar.

Wrong. I have a new life, not a new boyfriend.

It's Jack's music. You remember Jack?

That kid that took care of your apartment last summer and let all the plants die?

Well, he's very talented, and he composed all of that.

Listen to me, Samantha.

Music may be the oil of show business, but you do not want to get involved.

-Trust me. -Trust me.

You've got the biggest groups around.

They'd give their eyeteeth to get their hands on this music.

Your tax lawyers are waiting, Mr. Waits.

Tax lawyers. Everybody's got their hands out.

Ex-partners, stockholders, the I.R.S.

Taking everything I got.

I do all the work, and they take all the money.

Greed! Greed! Let me tell you about greed.

My groups write and record their own music

because they don't wanna share their royalties with anybody.

They don't even wanna hear anybody else's stuff.

So how does a composer get started?

I don't know. I don't know. Tell him he's gotta have a hook.

Tell Jack to get himself a group.

A group? But we are a group.

They're right there on the tape and they're fabulous.

-Oh, yeah? what are they called? -I'm not gonna tell you.

-Where are they performing? -They're not.

-Sam -Look, I've got them under wraps.

They're a revolutionary new concept, and I'm not having my group ripped off.

-I thought it was Jack's group. -I'm the manager.

You're a manager?

Yes, and I'm not leaving this office

until I get a commitment from you for a demo session.

That's very easy. You got it.

Oh, really?

-Yeah, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. -Thank you.

I really owe you one for this.

If you really mean that,

then how about the east Hampton like the old times this weekend?

Oh, that's really hard for me

because I have to control myself because of my vow.

What vow?

oh, well, I committed myself to chastity until the group becomes a success.

-Oh, chastity. -Yeah, and it's really hard for me.

Yeah. Because I want what you want.

What we want. what the whole world wants.

Because you're the one that I want.

Nobody does it better. So knock on wood.

Someday I'll find you and we'll be together again for some

hot stuff because I love the nightlife

and, ooh, I wanna make it with you.

So I'll be seeing you because you light up my life.

Ooh.

Shoo-be-do-be-do.

Hi.

Which way's the men's room?

Right over there.

that way.

Richard. Come on in. Hi.

Hello.

Um, hold it!

Hey, watch it.

You're really lucky I'm a nice person.

I could have raffled this off in the elevator.

Thank you.

Hey, I mean it.

I really wanna apologize for the other night.

I'm a Gemini. I got two personalities. This is the good one.

Come on. Let's be friends.

The only man who ever said that to me and meant it was Jack.

Well,

Friendly, can I take you to dinner?

Don't you have to get back to work?

I'll cook up some story and it to 'em tomorrow.

the devious type, huh?

Well, actually, I'm very cool, calm and conscientious.

In fact, everything I do is on time, neat and correct.

I think it's about time I got away with a little something.

This is really terrific, but I have to get home.

Come on! I've lost half a day's pay.

Ron, you're really nice, but I have a group to put together.

-Need any help? -All I can get.

All right!

Hey, buddy!

Damn. It's okay, it's okay.

Hey! Whoo!

It takes more than a pretty face to get anywhere in this town.

I can't believe it.

Jeez! Ma'am?

Jack! Jack!

Jack! Jack! We're a group!

-We've got studio time! -What?

You remember Ron. He's really very nice.

Hey, I can't get that song out of my head.

-Remember that "magic night"? -Right.

-Hey, but how's the Indian? -Fine.

Would you get the mustard and the relish?

I have to take my lenses out. They're killing me.

Wait, Sam!

You gotta tell me logically and simply what went on over there!

We are a group! We're a group!

Yeah, but

you just don't put together a group like it was a laundry load.

"Laundry load". That's not a bad name.

Where is that distilled water? I've gotta take my lenses—

I'll use Perrier.

Do you know what this is all about?

I haven't quite got the whole thing but it sounds promising.

Wait a minute. Sam, stop with all this busy work.

This is all- This is my life here!

Wait a minute. Tell me, how do you put together a group that doesn't exist?

I got it.

I just did it.

I used my brains, not my body. Do you know what an accomplishment that is?

Do you know how good that makes me feel?

Yeah. But it still doesn't explain what's going on!

-We, my darling, are a group. -We're a group.

Oh! oh, no!

Oh, my god! Oh, no!

Oh! oh, my god! Thanks a lot!

-Oh, my floor! -All over the music!

Get his pants off. Help me get his pants off.

I'm burning!

It's all over my parquet floor.

Okay, first of all, we need more guys.

Why?

My music needs a very big sound, you know what I mean?

Oh, I got it! We'll put ads in variety, backstage and billboard.

-We'll hold auditions. -Oh, but where? we can't do it here

Because we made so much noise the other night

that two neighbors complained and-

I can't afford to rent a hall.

-Well, you can use my office. -Your office? A week from Friday?

-Yeah, sure. -Fantastic!

Sam, you write up the ad.

This is terrific! I gotta think! We got a group!

Who'd have thunk it, right?

Ech! I'll think about that tomorrow. Blech!

-Do you wear a dickie? -Smart aleck.

You go write the ad.

Sam, I left a new song on my recorder.

Give it a listen if you've got nothing better to do.

I think I can do two things at once.

The pad and the pencil are on the desk.

Sam's very delicate.

I'd like for her not to see your knees.

Crazy.

Would you like some wine?

That'd be nice.

You look quite comfortable.

I am.

This city was getting to me for a while,

but I think I'm getting used to it.

I've been living here and working here since I was 18,

and I wouldn't live anywhere else.

You know, I never dated a girl with a male roommate.

Well, this is the '80s, darling.

You're gonna see a lot of things you've never seen before.

Oh, excuse me! Oh, I'm sorry!

Here. Let me help get it off— Oh!

Oh, my dress, it's caught. It cost me $1,000.

-Can you help me undo it? -$1,000 for a dress?

Yeah, but I got it wholesale. Here, help me unbutton it.

I can't reach it. I'm not moving. I know I'll tear it.

Oh, my god. Wait a minute.

-Here, does this help? -Yeah!

-Well, get- -Let me see if I-

Oh, my god.

Yeah, I got it. Wait a minute.

-What are you- -I think I got it.

Wait. Can you help me? My cuff down here.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

-Are you married? -Kind of.

Now listen, I draw the line at younger men,

but I definitely draw the line at younger married men.

It's comin' through.

-What? -My divorce.

-That is a tired line. -No, it's not.

That's why I moved from St. Louis, to have some fun.

Oh, whoa!

Well, are you?

I am now.

-This little piggy went to market... -Cut it out!

And this little piggy went home.

-Wait! I'm ticklish! -This little piggy...

Whoa!

You sure get up quick.

Um, "quickly. "

What are you, a grammarian?

Something like that.

You sure know your body English.

You're not so bad yourself.

-Which way do we go? -To the right.

And don't stop till sunup.

Wow.

It's so orange.

Peach.

Whoa!

You're sure dangerous on your feet.

We won't have to worry about that for a while.

-What are you doing? -These are the '80s, kid.

You're gonna do a lot of things you've never done before.

Oh, my god! It's the smoke alarm!

No, it's not. It's just my watch.

I gotta be in court by 8:00.

I gotta go home and change.

I hope you don't think I'm a hit-and-run artist.

Was that crude? I don't wanna be crude, but-

It was wonderful.

You're wonderful.

Now, I guess what I'm trying to say is-

Ah, shit.

You're fabulous.

-So what do you think? -Girl, this is crazy.

Alexander, you're so shy that people just forget.

Now, listen, you gotta come out of your shell

or you're gonna be leading that group in Washington square

for the rest of your life, and everything else is gonna pass you by.

That's why I took a job as a stagehand at the theater.

-That's your first strategic career mistake. -Okay.

Okay, okay. so what else have you been doing with yourself?

I've been working with the group at Washington square,

going to national guard meetings, getting by.

You know, nothing more.

What I know is, you're gonna be my second discovery for this group.

What have I got to lose?

Gosh, I wish I had time to change.

This looks like one of these uptight conservative law offices.

Not to worry. You look just fine.

Come on.

-Oh! What? -Come on!

Girl, is this a joke?

This is the craziest place I've ever seen.

Watch it! Look at her!

Where are we?

Give me that phone!

Give it to me!

I only have two hands, gentlemen. Please, give me a chance!

I've got everything under control. Don't worry.

Jack! Hi!

Oh, Alicia!

-How you doin'? -Fine. This is Alexander.

He works the lights for my show, but he'd be perfect for the group.

Great. nice to meet you. Alicia, I never expected such a turnout.

Is this unbelievable?

Help me out with the cards. I gotta get inside.

Alex, come on.

There you go.

Please! okay, one second! Stand back!

-Jack, we've got to talk. -Ron, just a second.

Alex, did I see you singing in Washington square?

That's my rehearsal space.

You're super!

Look, you don't have to audition today. Why don't you sit over there?

Those are the people we're considering, and we'll talk to you in a second.

-Okay? Thanks, Alex. -Jack, we've got some-

Listen, shh!

Practice it right over there. Thank you.

-Jack- -Just a second!

Hey! Thank you!

What'd you think?

Very... unusual.

Great.

Sam, take his number.

And we'll be back to you, okay? Could you sit right over there?

-Thank you. -Thanks.

What's so important?

Listen, I thought we were auditioning for singers.

Well, they all sing, don't they? Come on! Take it easy!

Next.

Hey! Hi, folks!

-Ah, number 18! -Buster Sirwinsky.

♪ Body, body ♪ wanna feel my body

♪ Body, body

♪ Wanna touch my body ♪ body, body

♪ Wanna touch my body

♪ Body, body

♪ It's too much, my body

♪ Body, body

♪ Wanna feel my body, body

♪ Turn it out ♪ my body, body

I used to be a 98-pound weakling but I've always had a big voice.

Mr. white!

What is the meaning of this charade?

Roger, what on earth is going on here?

-Mother, what are you doing here? -Mother.

-Mother. -That's your mother?

She looks better than I do.

We're holding auditions.

Well, you've certainly assembled a colorful group.

Holding auditions for what, if I may ask.

-A hot new singing group. -Uh, Ron.

Ron, you didn't answer my question.

You heard what he said. we're holding auditions for a new singing group.

That is Jack Morell,

A new composer and a new client.

This firm's represented many entertainment clients over the years.

Yes, true. Cole Porter played that piano.

We represented Rodgers and Hammerstein, Marvin Hamlisch.

But this sort of shenanigans is nothing short of disgraceful.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Ron, dear, didn't Greenwich Village people-types go out with the '60s?

That's it! The name! Village People!

That's not a bad idea. that's what we are. That's where we're from.

Village People! That's fantastic! Thank you!

Well, it does have a certain charm.

Village people. I can sell that.

Have we met? You look familiar.

This is the face that launched a million lipsticks.

Samantha Simpson, Norma White.

Why, of course! I've seen you in vogue and in women's-

Why, I am so very pleased to make your acquaintance.

-Thank you. -Number 19!

I'm from the Bronx. My name is Glenn Hughes.

My word! Basic black.

What do you do, Glenn?

I'm a toll collector at the Brooklyn battery tunnel.

Do all toll collectors look like that?

Just the hot ones.

What's your talent?

-Aren't you here for the auditions? -Auditions?

I'm here for an extension on my income tax.

Glenn, you're in the wrong room.

-We're having auditions for a singing group. -A singing group?

Well, you ain't heard nothin' yet.

♪ Oh, Danny boy

♪ The pipes ♪ the pipes are calling

♪ From glen to glen

♪ And down the mountainside

♪ The summer's gone

♪ And all the roses falling

♪ 'Tis you ♪ 'Tis you must go

♪ And I must bide

♪ But come ye back

♪ When summer's in the meadow

♪ Or when the valley's hushed

♪ And white with snow

♪ 'Tis I'll be

♪ here

♪ in sunshine

♪ or in shadows

♪ Oh, Danny boy

♪ Oh, Danny boy

♪ I love you so

Not bad, not bad.

Great!

You are fantastic! Ron, sign him up.

Let's talk business. Now, this group we're putting together—

Ron, may I see you for a moment?

-Yeah? -Ron...

Ron, I appreciate your new found interest in the theatrical world.

However, I'm afraid that your choice of entertainment clients

is unacceptable to this firm.

I would appreciate your limiting your future endeavours

to the tax area.

This country is overtaxed, and so am I. I quit!

This is entirely up to you,

but I think you're making a big career mistake.

Oh, Ron, Ron, dear.

Call me after 6:00 at the Plaza.

-We'll get all of this resolved. -Yeah, mom.

-Ah! It is so nice to have met you, miss Simpson. -Thank you.

How could you just up and quit your job like that?

Why not? I'm the lawyer for the hottest new group in show business-

The Village People.

Hey, hey! Wait till you get a load of this!

I'm James, and flame's my game.

I always knew this job would be a washout.

What a beginning!

This way.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I am not taking one more step till I know where I'm going.

Yeah! I quit my job, and you got me walking a beat again.

And I'm not even getting paid for it. Hey, hold your horses.

I told you I had a surprise for you.

I hope so! I turned in my coin changer at the toll booth.

Hey, don't forget I quit my job too.

I got faith in you.

-Really? -Yeah. I got faith in all of you.

So let's get going. I got a place to rehearse right around here.

-And it's free! -All right!

That's wonderful!

-Well, you see -you see, my dad is a moose in St. Louis.

And I figured, well, he's into community services.

I figured a city the size of New York that there had to be somebody did the same thing.

So I made a few phone calls, somebody gave me an address

and made arrangements for us to use it.

Hey, that's terrific! you're terrific.

Well, wait.

It takes more than a pretty face to get around this town.

Come on, guys! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

♪ Young man ♪ there's no need to feel down

♪ I said, young man ♪ pick yourself off the ground

♪ I said, young man ♪ 'cause you're in a new town

♪ There's no need ♪ to be unhappy

♪ Young man ♪ there's a place you can go

♪ I said, young man, when ♪ you're short on your dough

♪ You can stay there

♪ and I'm sure you will find ♪ many ways to have a good time

♪ It's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ It's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ They have everything ♪ for you men to enjoy

♪ You can hang out ♪ with all the boys

♪ It's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ It's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ You can get yourself clean ♪ you can have a good meal

♪ You can do ♪ whatever you feel

♪ Young man ♪ are you listening to me

♪ I said, young man ♪ what do you want to be

♪ I said, young man you ♪ can make real your dreams

♪ But you've got to know ♪ this one thing

♪ No man ♪ does it all by himself

♪ I said, young man ♪ put your pride on the shelf

♪ And just go there ♪ to the YMCA

♪ I'm sure they can ♪ help you today

♪ It's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ YMCA

♪ YMCA

♪ It's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ They have everything ♪ for you men to enjoy

♪ You can hang out ♪ with all the boys

♪ It's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ It's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ you can get yourself clean ♪ you can have a good meal

♪ you can do ♪ whatever you feel

♪ young man ♪ I was once in your shoes

♪ I said, I was ♪ down and out with the blues

♪ I felt no man ♪ cared if I were alive

♪ I felt the whole world ♪ was so jive

♪ that's when ♪ someone came up to me

♪ and said, young man ♪ take a walk up the street

♪ there's a place there ♪ called the YMCA

♪ they can start you ♪ back on your way

♪ it's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ it's fun to stay ♪ at the YMCA

♪ young man, young man ♪ there's no need to feel down

♪ young man, young man ♪ pick yourself off the ground

♪ YMCA

-♪ and just go to the Y -♪ YMCA

♪ young man, young man ♪ are you listenin' to me

♪ young man, young man ♪ what do you wanna be

♪ YMCA

♪ no man, young man ♪ does it all by himself

♪ young man, young man ♪ put your pride on the shelf

♪ YMCA

♪ YMCA

♪ YMCA

♪ YMCA

♪ YMCA

holy smokes. he was supposed to be here an hour ago.

Calm down. he's under more pressure than you are.

Besides, he's never been on time for anything in his life.

Especially his taxes.

One and two and-

I don't know, Lulu. it doesn't feel right.

Maybe we oughta do something more.

-I'm a singer, not a dancer. -Well, come on, boys!

Today everybody is a dancer.

That's what I'm here for: wardrobe and steps.

Here he comes.

Then what do we do? what do we do?

We do what we rehearsed.

But we do it sexy.

Okay, gentlemen, this is the big moment.

We're ready. I think.

So let's show him somethin' he'll never forget.

-Hi, Steve. -What?

No, I can't see anybody till the beginning of next week.

And can you find me the address of this place I gotta go to?

Can I hear something fast? I gotta go pick up an award. Honest, I do.

What? Well, where you lookin'? It's gotta be there someplace.

What's all this bass? It'll sound terrible. That's better.

Yeah, hold on.

You remember Jack.

Yeah, musical genius of tomorrow, right?

I wouldn't go that far. Day after tomorrow, maybe.

-I'll get it. -Sir, what we've got for you today

is the music that everybody's gonna be dancing to next month

or whenever you can get the album out.

The album? I'll call you back.

You see, sir, this is the sound of the '80s.

Everybody's lookin' for it, and we've got it.

When the other kids were following the baseball scores, I was following the charts.

You can ask me anything about popular music, and I know it.

-Go ahead. ask me something. -Right!

Where are the members of this magical group?

They're right there.

I hate Halloween.

Okay, gentlemen,

let's show Mr. Waits what we can do.

Sweetheart, why are they dressed so funny?

Well, they're from the village. That's why they're called Village People.

Oh, right.

Okay to start, sir?

Oh, yeah, please. Go ahead, go ahead.

You're gonna love it.

Hit it.

Five, six, seven, Ray!

♪ Yeah

♪ liberation

♪ liberation

♪ liberation

♪ liberation

♪ Liberation

-♪ Liberation -♪ Liberation

♪ It's time for liberation ♪ right now

♪ Liberation, liberation ♪ liberation

♪ It's time for liberation

♪ Out of our way ♪ because we're ready to fly

♪ Liberation

♪ And for this right ♪ we stand here willing to die

♪ Liberation

♪ No, we won't let those small minds ♪ stand in our way

♪ If there's a price ♪ then we are willing to pay

♪ Stand up and sing together ♪ all in one voice

♪ Liberation

♪ If you're in love with freedom ♪ you have no choice

♪ Liberation

♪ Even a child can see ♪ that now is the time

♪ When will you learn, my friend ♪ That your fight is mine

-♪ Liberation -♪ Liberation

-♪ It's time for liberation -♪ Right now

♪ Liberation

♪ Liberation ♪ it's time for liberation

♪ We're serving notice ♪ that we won't be denied

♪ liberation

♪ we are the winners ♪ losers must step aside

♪ liberation

♪ We have a job that ♪ simply has to get done

♪ We're getting stronger ♪ yet we've only begun

♪ Liberation, liberation

♪ It's time for liberation

♪ We got to have liberation ♪ Yeah

♪ It's time for liberation

♪ Got to stand tall ♪ for liberation

♪ Liberation ♪ It's time for liberation

♪ We need some liberation

♪ It's time for liberation

♪ Liberation

Uh, fantastic. The best yet.

Those guys can, uh, sing.

How about those boys? Now, have I struck gold or have I struck gold?

I'm afraid you struck out.

What?

I'm sorry. I'm just not interested.

Hey, don't be an idiot! They were wonderful!

Listen. Just listen to me.

I've made a fortune in this business using my intuition,

and my intuition tells me, "do not get involved".

I'm sorry.

Just stay very cool, calm and collected.

I am perfectly capable of taking care of this.

-It wasn't that bad, was it? -I can't believe how negative he is.

So they made a few mistakes. They were great!

-And you were fabulous. -Yeah.

Hold on, guys.

Did it again. got myself a new group, and cheap.

What in the hell is the matter with you?

Village people is better than any group you've got.

I'm sorry, Samantha, really.

I know that you put a lot of time and money into this group,

and you don't have any extra money coming in,

but they've got a very little something to offer, very little,

to a very small audience.

Now I'll show you exactly how disinterested I am.

That's it, that's my offer. Don't get all excited and thank me.

We may not be lovers anymore, but we're always gonna be good, solid friends.

Are you mad? That wouldn't feed my cat!

You don't have a cat.

Take your offer and stick it in your ear!

They're worth a lot more than that!

Why do you always give me this shit?

-I'm terribly sorry, sister. -That's okay, kiddo.

Listen, Sam, I'm terribly sorry I'm late.

I'm doing Sound of Music at the Harlem ensemble.

Is Ray in there?

And you've been hanging out in the village too long!

I believe these are the gentlemen.

-Hi, guys. -Hi.

Terrific. Our luck hits rock bottom, and you boys hit the bottle.

Come on. Please, sit down.

Take a load off your feet. Would you like some sangria?

Sure. are you two guys celebrating something?

Come on, Jack, tell 'em.

Well, you guys remember Benny Murray, who ran the Saddle Tramps?

Sure. Whoever could forget Benny the letch?

We ran into him this morning.

What were you doing? Cruising down Times Square?

Real funny. Come on, would you listen?

Okay, sorry.

Thank you very much.

He sold Saddle Tramps, and he's going into the party business.

-As in tupperware? -Please!

Would you be serious?

Come on. you take over a place —building, loft, anything—

-you give the party a theme— -Put in a light show,

get a really hot DJ, line up a couple acts, and voila!

2,000 people at 20 bucks a head,

plus what you make at the bar.

You guys are really on a roll.

Would you boys please calm down and sit down?

Sam, we've got to have our own pay party.

It's the perfect way to introduce the guys.

You can get all the press and the opinion-makers there.

It'll be instant stardom!

Do you winos have any idea what that will cost?

Do you know what the profits could be?

"2,000 people, 20 bucks a head, plus what you make at the bar".

this is going to turn Steve Waits into a basket case.

However, I'm not spending any of my savings. Oh, no.

I think it's time I make my farewell appearance.

Hello, Sydne? This is Samantha.

Hang on to your 8 by 10s.

I've decided to pour milk for that commercial you wanted me to do,

and I have a wonderful new group to appear with me.

Oh, yes, we come as a package.

I think we're about to make a deal.

Hey! hey!

-I really think that -My darling, you must remember.

we are dealing with a model of the first magnitude.

-I know that she's great alright. -This is very important for my agency

and her new image for the '80s.

You know, Sydne, I've already done three commercials with this lady.

Good! You've had practice. Now make perfect.

Lulu, get out of there!

Milk commercial intro, take two.

Action!

Children!

All right, listen, children.

If you wanna grow up to be big and strong and sing and dance,

you've gotta drink your milk.

♪ Do the shake ♪ do the shake

♪ do the milk shake ♪ the milk shake

♪ do the shake

♪ when they come home ♪ from school

♪ all right

♪ and they want something ♪ that's cold to drink

♪ cold to drink

♪ vitality they need

♪ they also want something good and ♪ sweet good and sweet

♪ just get a glass of milk

♪ you'll see it's not ♪ very hard to make

♪ not very hard to make ♪ add some ice cream and blend

♪ you will have yourself a great milk ♪ shake a great milk shake

♪ do the shake ♪ do the shake

♪ Do the milk shake the milk shake ♪ do the shake

♪ Do the shake ♪ do the shake

♪ Do the milk shake the milk ♪ shake do the shake

♪ Yeah ♪ when you're at work

♪ Today ♪ all right

♪ And then it's time for your coffee ♪ break coffee break

♪ Why don't you treat ♪ yourself

♪ To a big, thick ♪ and frosty shake

♪ Frosty shake ♪ when it is time for lunch

♪ A milk shake goes ♪ with your sandwich too

-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah -♪ Just have yourself a fix

♪ See what a milk shake ♪ can do for you

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Do it, all right ♪ do it, do the shake

♪ Why don't you do it, yeah ♪ do it, do it do the shake

♪ Do the shake, y'all, hey ♪ do the shake

♪ Do the milk shake, hey ♪ do it, do it do the shake

♪ Just get some ice cream ♪ and some milk

♪ Then blend yourself a milk ♪ shake do the shake

♪ Just do the shake, y'all ♪ hey

♪ On your coffee break now yeah ♪ do the shake

♪ Just do the shake ♪ do the shake

♪ Do the milk shake the milk ♪ shake do the shake

♪ Do the shake ♪ do the shake

♪ Do the milk shake the milk ♪ shake do the shake

♪ Vanilla

♪ Chocolate

♪ strawberry

♪ Do the shake ♪ just do the shake

♪ Do the shake

♪ Do the milk shake the milk shake

One more time.

♪ Do the shake ♪ do the shake

♪ Do the milk shake the milk shake

♪ Do the shake ♪ do the shake

♪ Do the milk shake the milk shake

♪ Vanilla ♪ do the shake

♪ Chocolate

♪ Strawberry, yeah

♪ Do the shake ♪ just do the shake

♪ Do the shake

-♪ Do the milk shake the milk shake -♪ Do the shake

Great! fantastic!

My son is a television genius, that's what he is.

And that has got to be a gold single.

Plus a platinum dance craze.

♪ Do the shake ♪ Do the shake

-Ma, it's only a commercial. -Aw, now, honey,

Did Gershwin ever write a hit commercial, huh?

Well, how'd you like it?

I had no idea you were going to show so much of yourself on television.

Oh, Sam, that is the most glamorous and sexy commercial I have ever seen.

Lulu, will you take this away? I do not do manual labor.

Do you know something? You are so uptight

you don't even know a great career move when you see one.

If that doesn't sell milk, nothing will.

As a matter of fact, Samantha, I'm having a bit of a problem with the advertising agency.

What do you mean?

Despite the fact that I think it's fabulous,

the client needs more time to think it over.

Think what over?

The higher echelon of Madison avenue

feels that it may be too controversial

for their American family image.

-Corporate thinking sucks. -Mother!

I thought it was very chic and tasteful.

Two qualities often ignored by television.

Well, this means no residuals for a while.

Residuals? Doesn't that have something to do with money?

Yeah, we need it now.

Well, you couldn't possibly be overdrawn at the bank.

-Could you, dear? -No, of course not.

We were going to use the residual payments from the commercial

to put on a pay party to introduce the Village People.

Pay to go to a party?

How gauche!

You don't have to pay. My bridge club will throw the party.

We'll use the elks lodge. Why, it'll be bigger than bingo night.

Mom, that's wonderful, but see, we were thinking of something spectacular.

-You need the big bucks, huh? -Yeah.

Well, my goodness, a party is a party. It shouldn't be a problem.

Norma, we're talking about something for around 2,000 people

with lights and costumes.

I mean, a real show.

Well, I did one for 3,000 last month in

Where was it? Houston.

You gave a party for 3,000 people?

A charity fund-raiser. It's one of my hobbies.

But, of course, we do raise a lot of money for the needy.

Mrs. White, would you consider us needy?

As a matter of fact,

I am in charge of a really grand affair

next month in San Francisco at the galleria.

Now, would it be possible for the boys to sing a few songs?

A few songs? Hey!

We will knock 'em out!

I think I should get Steve Waits in on this.

Let's have some champagne!

Lulu, pack my fall wardrobe.

I adore San Francisco.

My favourite ex-husband lives there.

And I am down to my last pucci.

Have I got a wholesaler for you!

Steve? Hello, darling. It's Samantha.

I think I have an offer you can't refuse.

How about a long weekend in San Francisco?

Well, I'll see you at your place in about 45 minutes.

I'll give you all the details.

Bye.

-I just sealed our future. -And ended ours.

Get your mind out of the gutter. It's not what you think.

Step into my office.

I can't believe that you called Steve Waits

and made an assignation right in front of me!

-What's that? -A date!

Well, why didn't you say so? I wouldn't do something like that behind your back.

What were you trying to do, seduce him into a deal?

Is that actually what you think of me?

I don't know. I…

Oh, really?

Well, if that's the case,

I suggest we see each other only on a business relationship from now on.

And I'll see you in San Francisco, Mr. White.

All right, so make it quick because Samantha's gonna be here any minute.

How did we do in Chicago?

Okay, that's good. uh-huh. uh-huh.

Okay, good-bye.

Charlie, the minute she gets on board,

Slam the door and take off, all right?

Never mind.

Is that you, Sam?

Hi, Mr. Waits. I'm sorry. Sam couldn't make it. It's a long story.

Oh, my god. A real private jet!

Someday you're gonna have one of these, baby. A little bigger, I hope.

And I'll take care of the decor myself. not so busy.

And who's this?

Oh, Mr. Waits, this is my mother.

Helen Morell. And you can just thank your lucky stars that you know my son.

Wild blue yonder! Here we go!

Gee, these look good.

Don't touch that, Jackie. It'll give you the trots.

Whew! Can't we get rid of that smelly thing?

I got all your favourites here, baby.

I got chicken soup with matzo balls.

-I got kreplach. I got stuffed cabbage. -She's not even Jewish.

Well, when it comes to eating, all mothers are Jewish.

Now, wait a minute! I am being hijacked in my own airplane!

Don't you understand? I am the president of a major record company.

-Is it really kreplach in there? -I got everything.

You see, sir, my father is Jewish, but my mom, she's Italian-catholic.

so, we got all the bases covered.

Speaking of baseball, while the other kids were following the baseball scores,

I was following the pop charts. you can ask me any-

I think I've heard that before. why don't you save that for the liner notes on the album?

Album? We're getting an album deal?

No! I did not say that.

I worked for David Merrick on Broadway.

I know about contracts.

I think we're gonna have to insist on 10% of the first 100% net profits.

That doesn't make any sense. First of all, I have not seen this group even perform.

Oh, let me tell you.

After this concert, people will be standing on their heads to bid.

Nobody in this world is gonna give you any more than 2% of 6% of 100% of the profits.

How about nine percent?

That's ridiculous. no more than seven.

Eight percent? you're robbing me.

-Oh, use your napkin! -I'm sorry.

What about the merchandising?

-Not so fast! -Ah, yes, the merchandising.

Now, I think that we will have to ask for the t-shirts.

I feel like I'm sitting on my own plane with ma barker and her kid!

All right, you wanna fight? You get the t-shirts,

I get the lunch pails and the look-alike dolls.

You can have the t-shirts in Japan.

We will take the lunch pails worldwide.

Back up a minute and go all the way back to the beginning.

Now, which one is the kreplach?

I see you.

Bubbe,

The first time I played San Francisco, I came in on a bus.

And here I am coming back with my successful son on a private jet.

Oh, look, ma, look how beautiful.

Oh, Jackie, it is true. There is magic in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Ritchie family!

♪ I'm traveling through ♪ this game called life

♪ It's a tough game to play

♪ Sometimes ♪ I think it's rough

♪ Now that I got ♪ the final okay

♪ You're trying so hard ♪ to take it all away

♪ I got my education ♪ I got determination

♪ I got imagination ♪ come on, give me a break

♪ I got my education ♪ I got determination

♪ I got imagination ♪ come on, give me a break

♪ Well, I started out my life ♪ tryin' to find a better way

♪ To live in this world ♪ from day to day

♪ Now, people ♪ don't you know

♪ Don't you know

♪ Folks always say you gott ♪ a reap just what you sow

♪ I got my education ♪ I got determination

♪ I got imagination ♪ come on, give me a break

♪ I got my education ♪ I got determination

♪ I got imagination ♪ come on, give me a break

♪ Give it up

♪ Come on, give me a break ♪ oh, won't you give me

♪ Come on, give me a break ♪ won't you give me a break

♪ Come on, give me a break ♪ I deserve a chance

♪ Come on, give me a break ♪ won't you give me a break

♪ I deserve a better chance

♪ I'm a woman ♪ I want to show the world

♪ Won't you give me a break

No, no, no. Samantha Simpson. Is she there?

No? Thank you.

She was supposed to be here an hour ago.

-Well, where are the costumes? -Good question.

That airline said they'd get 'em here as soon as they found 'em.

Guess we'll be making our big debut in the buff.

Yeah, looks like it.

Listen to the beat, boys! This is San Francisco!

They're gonna love it! come on, lighten up!

Vocalize! Come on! Hop to!

The airline came through with our costumes!

Party pooper!

Hey, is Sam here yet?

I have not seen hide nor hair of her. I don't trust Steve Waits.

They could've flown off to Acapulco by now!

Acapulco?

oh, with Steve, anything is possible. Hey, help me with this.

And on top of everything else, I can't find Jack.

I'll get that.

I'm gonna go check out our sound system.

You are not gonna believe this crowd.

San Francisco high life is one of the kinkiest things I ever saw.

Ooh!

Do you realize the biggest crowd we've ever played to was in Sam's backyard?

Yeah. How we gonna face all those people out there?

It's too late to turn back now, fellas.

Oh, god. Leather men don't get nervous!

Leather men don't get nervous.

Oh, yes, they do.

Come on, guys. let's get the show on the road.

-Knock, knock! -Oh, hello there, Norma! How are you?

I'd like you to meet the women from my committee.

Mrs. Williams and Mrs. Slatkin, Lulu Brecht.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

And these, these are the Village People.

Hello. Hi. Hi, Norma.

Don't mind us. We understand show folk here.

Oh, I knew they would love us in Frisco.

Please, my dear. Never "Frisco". "San Francisco".

Pardon moi.

This is just too exciting.

I've never seen such a huge turnout.

And so bizarre, chic. Those girl singers were marvelous.

Oh, I want you to meet some of the women who helped make all of this possible.

You've done a wonderful job.

Thank you very much.

And I know you're gonna be very proud of my boys.

Your boys?

I have just become the honorary press agent for the Village People.

May I present the u. p., a. p.

Cross your fingers we get Claudia Walters for 20/60,

or whatever that show is called.

Norma, perhaps you would be kind enough to line up my boys for a picture with these ladies.

Gentlemen, start snapping away.

We made it! We made it!

What's that?

Signed contracts with Marrakech records!

Hello, prime time.

-I can't believe it! -Believe it. Believe it.

I approved them myself.

Oh, ladies, I'll meet you at the hospitality suite in 5 minutes.

Alicia, would you be an angel and take them over there?

My pleasure. Ladies, will you follow me?

Bye. Good-bye.

Best behavior, boys. This is Claudia Walters. She's syndicated.

Excuse me, but I have no comment at this time now.

Well, that's perfectly all right because I'm here to interview the Village People.

Well, they're my new act, and I've just signed them,

Compliments of Marrakech records.

My son invented the Village People.

Oh, yeah. And he writes all their music.

As long as we're here, maybe we ought to get something on him on film.

Good thinking.

-Mr. waits? -Yeah?

You've been very successful with your groups in the past.

I would like a little more information on your personal involvement.

Well, I get very highly creatively involved.

I get very involved personally

with every member of the company.

Excuse me. it just happens to look better that way.

But frankly, between you and me,

It gets… lonely.

Very lonely sometimes.

I wonder if there's a quieter place you and I can talk.

I think that could be arranged.

-Aaron? -Yes?

I'm going to be back in a moment.

-Will you speak with the boys for me? -Sure.

Thank you.

Sam, looks like we're all in business.

Oh!

Why don't you guys tell us how you got started?

Sam!

Sam! Mission accomplished!

Signed contracts with Marrakech records!

Signed, sealed and delivered!

-It's right here. -Hey, Sam! good news!

-Sam, baby! -How was Acapulco?

Hi! I can't believe it! Oh, Sam!

Sam, look, we've got two albums and they're guaranteed!

Excuse me. As senior partner of the law firm

that represents Village People,

There are a number of points that have to be clarified.

Welcome back to the firm, Ron,

as a junior partner.

Ron!

Thank you very much. Thank you very much, Mr. Montgomery.

Mr. Montgomery? I'm the one that went to Richard

to get him to go to the milk council

to get the commercial on television.

-What about Acapulco? -What are you talking about?

Oh, Sam, you were so late, we thought maybe you'd flown off to Acapulco

and gotten married or something.

Lulu! Married?

I mean, I want this group to be launched as much as anybody.

I'd do anything for 'em, but to run off to Acapulco and get married? I'm not—

What do you think-

Oh, Sam.

What about a San Francisco wedding?

Something simple, like on the golden gate bridge.

Is this a proposal or an apology?

Nah, it's a publicity stunt.

Of course! It's a proposal!

And I also want to apologize for the things I said at Sydne's office.

I don't know what to say.

Say yes.

Kiss me.

They must get married in California.

They've got that marvelous community property here.

Oh, oh! I've got a show to put on!

Come on, come on! I'm gonna need everybody's help! Everybody! Come on!

Come on, follow me, everybody. Follow me! Come on!

Good luck. Good luck, Felipe, dear.

Lulu, this is highly disorganized!

Sydne, shut your mouth.

I am now the number-one roadie for the Village People,

And I will have them dressed and ready to go on.

-Go, girl! -Amen!

Lulu, whoever gets you deserves you.

I can't believe it's finally here:

make-it-or-break-it time.

I mean, what if it really doesn't work?

What if it really, really doesn't work?

Hey, everything's gonna work out just perfectly.

This is the moment you've worked for. Enjoy it.

Tonight belongs to you and the Village People.

Well, guys, this is it.

Yeah.

Let's do it.

We're a group.

Geronimo.

♪ Everyone you meet ♪ the children in the street

♪ Are swayin' to the rhythm

♪ There's somethin' ♪ movin' in them

♪ There's no place to hide ♪ so why even try

♪ Can't you hear it coming ♪ your way it's here to stay

♪ Music in our walk ♪ music when we talk

♪ It's really something magic ♪ to lose it would be tragic

♪ Can't you feel the sound ♪ movin' through the ground

♪ Music makes the world ♪ go around

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the cold from snow ♪ tell the trees don't grow

♪ Tell the wind don't blow ♪ 'cause it's easier

♪ No, you can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the spark from love ♪ make the rain fall up

♪ 'Cause that's easier to do

♪ Movin' with the wind ♪ since the world began

♪ The beat is gonna get ya ♪ beat is gonna get ya

♪ Music for the blues ♪ for your dancin' shoes

♪ There's music in the way that ♪ we kiss, you can't resist

♪ Movin' through the trees ♪ buzzin' with the bees

♪ The sound is gettin' louder ♪ sound is gettin' louder

♪ Music when we play ♪ when we kneel to pray

♪ There's music ♪ in the sound of the wind

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the heat from flame ♪ try not feeling pain

♪ Though you try in vain ♪ it's much easier

♪ No, you can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Change the master plan ♪ take the hope from man

♪ 'Cause that's easier to do

♪ On the radio ♪ on every TV show

♪ For each and every reason ♪ each and every season

♪ Music when we love ♪ for the moon above

♪ Music for the show ♪ of life that never ends

♪ Music on a plane ♪ music on a train

♪ Sailing on the ocean ♪ music in the motion

♪ Music in your car ♪ at your local bar

♪ There's music ♪ when you look at a star

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Keep two loves apart ♪ mend a broken heart

♪ Catch a fallin' star ♪ that's much easier

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Tell the sun don't shine ♪ stop old father time

♪ 'Cause that's easier to do

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the cold from snow ♪ tell the trees don't grow

♪ Tell the wind don't blow ♪ 'cause it's easier

♪ No, you can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the spark from love ♪ make the rain fall up

♪ 'Cause that's easier to do

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Keep two loves apart ♪ mend a broken heart

♪ Catch a fallin' star ♪ it's much easier

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Tell the sun don't shine ♪ stop old father time

♪ 'Cause that's easier to do

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the cold from snow ♪ tell the trees don't grow

♪ Tell the wind don't blow ♪ 'cause it's easier

♪ No, you can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the spark from love ♪ make the rain fall up

♪ 'Cause that's easier to do

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Keep two loves apart ♪ mend a broken heart

♪ Catch a fallin' star ♪ it's much easier

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Tell the sun don't shine ♪ stop old father time

♪ 'Cause that's easier to do

♪ You can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the cold from snow ♪ tell the trees don't grow

♪ Tell the wind don't blow ♪ 'cause it's easier

♪ No, you can't stop the music

♪ Nobody can stop the music

♪ Take the spark from love ♪ make the rain fall up

♪ 'Cause that's easier to do