Original subtitles

FITZ: There are many things that make a man a winner.

But the only one that I give a shit about

is the almighty Fibby,

international symbol of pre-owned excellence,

named after the maestro himself, Nicky Fibronski,

who, on June 9th, 1969,

sold 68 junkers in one day.

Winning a Fibby in this town says you're the best.

I've got eight,

and tomorrow night, I'll be nine for nine.

Only one way to spell "winner" in my book

and that's F-I-T-fucking-Z.

I've been waiting for this day my whole life:

beating my old man's record.

Beautiful day.

Who's dead?

You are. Fibbys numbers are in.

Say hello to 5th place, ass clown.

You don't even qualify this year.

Fuck.

♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'd find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I'd have won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you

♪ Oh, life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

♪ Without you

I'd usually take a hottie like you for a lay-down,

but you're more of a cherry,

a woman with a sweet-ass trade-in

who wouldn't refuse a little backseat driving,

if she's agrees to purchase right now.

Ah, come on, honey, lesbians usually love me.

Ooh!

Oh, God.

[Groaning]

This came for you.

Ooh, my How to Survive on One Kidneyhandbook.

Hey, have I shown you my scar lately?

It actually adds quite a bit of zing to my midriff.

Oh, no, it's a photo. It wasn't addressed

to anyone in particular so I opened it, and look.

Nice hair, hot stuff.

But who's Mark and Dave?

Go ahead, tell me it's my own fucking fault.

Using my obvious sexual gifts is no way to sell cars.

Yeah, I know that look too.

"Your father's not in competition with you, Richard.

It's just his deep-seated fear of parental love."

To which I respond, "Shut up, Larry."

And you say something like,

"Oh, Richard, are you ever going to be redeemable?"

There's only one way Fitzy's ever going to be redeemed

and that's shaken, not stirred.

"But Richard, it's the middle of the workday

and you really shouldn't get hammered before lunch."

Yeah, well, fuck you, Larry.

If that even if my real name.

MAN ON TV: When the Germans find a bunker,

they either blow it up or set it on fire.

Mom! Mom!

Yes, sweetie?

You and your friend still watching that holocaust movie

you don't want me to see?

Umm--

They're not all dead yet, so just, umm...

Oh, this is awful.

He'll be okay. His thirst should not be quenched

by sugary drinks anyways.

I'm certain his knowledge of genocide: limited.

Not that. We can't keep getting stopped like this.

My labia are not used to this much swelling and deflating.

There can be only one explanation

for these interruptions that plague us.

Universe, the universe is standing in our way

because we are hiding our passion from our families.

Tell them? Are you kidding?

That would be like the double cock block of the century.

There is no other choice.

This is the perfect timing, dearest, before the Fibbys.

Then, when cousin and I beat those Fitzpatricks

to a bloody pulp [figuratively speaking, of course],

it'll all be in the family. This is the only way.

We must clear this karmic roadblock

so I can plough your carrot field.

What?

Because of your orange hair.

Oh. Well, don't be shocked

if the carpet don't match the drapes, babe.

Ah. I'm completely lost in a sea of metaphor.

And I'm totally turned on.

Ah.

Soon.

So, you don't win a Fibby this year.

You can still get arrested at the after party.

Oh, it's not about a trophy.

It's about beating my old man's record

and publicly humiliating that incontinent piss tit.

You can kiss me now or you can kiss me later

but you better kiss me now

because what I'm about to tell you,

you're going to want to bone me and Josh don't play that game.

I told you to leave me alone.

Come on, man. I said I was sorry.

I didn't know that Cara wanted to kill you with the--

I thought she was just going to lock you up

and throw away the key.

Now that I say that, that sounds really bad.

I'm getting off topic.

Hargrove and Peterson, '82 to '84,

swept the Fibbys three years in a row as a team.

You don't sell cars, nimrod. Or did you forget that too?

Yeah, but Larry does,

and his numbers with your numbers means you win.

No, it means I win with Larry. There's a big difference.

Yeah, but 8 still beats 8.

Yeah.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to go see a circus freak about an award.

Hey, I need those.

No way. I am not losing me license again for you, Fitz.

I can give you a lift.

Fuck it.

[Crashing]

Yes, tracking number 67832.

No, just the return address, no name.

Oh, okay. Well, thank you for your help,

which was really not very helpful at all.

Larry, get changed.

Why? Is my scab bleeding again?

Tux, gayest one I could find. We're going to win me a Fibby.

Richard, your sales were terrible this quarter.

We're not even in the running this year.

Yeah, and whose fault is that?

Oh, well, somehow I think you found a way to make it mine.

But you're in luck. I know how you can make it up to me:

loophole in the conventions rules.

Us together and it's extra olives with a side of Screw Ken.

You and me?

Yeah.

Usually, that type of news would make me very happy,

but not today.

Larry, let me paint a picture for you.

Free grub, all the complimentary booze you can drink,

more tail than a freaking beaver dam,

one heavenly afternoon of automotive-sanctioned depravity.

Plus, the trophies make great sex toys.

I'm not in the mood for a party, Richard.

Come on, you owe me.

For what? Stealing my kidney?

I called you five times to pick me up last night.

Richard, I'm not your designated driver, okay?

And in fact, I may not even be your conscience.

Well, that's what I've been saying all along.

As such, I have a personal issue I need to look into right now.

There is nothing more personal

than topping my old man at the Fibbys.

Except this.

Some stupid picture of an idiot that looks like you

and some other guy retarded enough to be his friend?

So what?

I don't remember this photo being taken, Richard,

or that hair. And while this appears to be me in the photo,

I don't know anyone named Mark or Dave.

This is a very emotional, difficult time for me, Richard.

One man, three names, and unknown past,

an uncertain, one-kidneyed future.

There can be no joy in Larryland until I find out the truth.

Fuck. Three hours till show time.

All right, if I help you figure this out,

you shut the fuck up and come to the Fibbys with me?

I'll get changed.

In the car.

That--

That was a very brave share.

And I'm so glad you were able to come in to this

after that awful kidnapping situation.

It was really horrible.

Hello there, welcome.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

What did you just say?

Sorry?

No. The apologies stop here.

Your days of apologizing are over

because you have nothing to feel sorry about.

Welcome--

Allie.

Allie. Please, share.

Oh, you know what? That's okay.

I just thought I'd come and, you know, sit,

check it out, just see if it's a good fit for me.

Let me ask you something, Allie.

Have you ever considered moving in with a man

after a third date?

Uhh--

Ever had to lie about a cigarette burn?

Have you ever hated a man with every fibre of your being

and wanted to screw him just as much?

Actually...

Guess what, sister.

This is the right fit for you.

Everyone, join me in welcoming Allie

with our vow of equanimity.

ALL: Grant me courage to recognize my own power,

the foresight to know when a man will screw me over

and the wisdom to never grant joint access

to my chequing account.

Most honourable Ken,

it is with great ardour that I am here today.

I am humbled by my respect for you.

If I wanted my cock sucked, I'd called 1-800-suck-my-cock.

Get to the point.

I am here to declare my intentions

with regards to your daughter.

I desire your blessing to date, and subsequently bed, Meghan.

[Laughing]

I suppose that makes sense. You people love your cows.

Uhh, I'm not a Hindu.

Yeah, blah-blah-blah.

Have a drink.

With all due respect, my religion forbids it.

Then your religion forbids you

to put your pork in my princess.

Well...

[Coughing]

All right.

Now, let's talk dowries.

While monetary compensation is a custom of my people,

I ask for nothing more than your daughter's hand in lovemaking.

I'm not talking about you. What do I get?

A fixer upper? Maybe I was a real estate agent.

Or it's an old storage place and someone is fucking with you.

Can we go now?

Fuck.

Hello?

Mark?

Come on, Larry!

[Horn honking]

Hey, Dave?

You guys?

Hey, are we done here?

It's fucking freezing out there, man.

This is very unusual. Why in the world would somebody send me

a picture in order to lure me into an abandoned warehouse?

I don't know. Maybe you had some stuff stored here

and they mailed it to you when they closed up shop.

Or maybe it's a trap.

Fuck.

We can do this. We can do this.

God, Richard.

Don't hug me!

Sorry.

[Banging]

And to this day, I can't stop thinking about him.

Ugh, I should just shave my head and move to India.

Except you'd only find the same bad men there.

You know what I mean, don't you?

Sounds just like a guy I know.

But I see now, I was just allowing myself to be used.

Now I'm just a pre-owned piece of trash

with a really low resale value.

Sonya, that is not true.

You are a top-of-the-line model.

You just need to believe that, in here.

Remember, ladies, that's why we're all here,

because we're stronger than the men that tried to ruin us,

the men that don't deserve us.

There's one in particular:

the same stories,

the same lies,

same residue of shame.

Show of hands: how many of us

are talking about Richard Fitzpatrick?

Holy shit.

We should just rename this group "Fucked Over by Fitz."

That little prick.

Well, it wasn't that little.

Good job, crotch stain.

40 minutes till the Fibbys and I'm stuck here with you.

Plus, you were stupid enough to fall for some scam

to get us trapped here. It's probably my old man.

Well, it's an old building. Perhaps I overreacted.

Perhaps that handle breaking

was nothing but an unfortunate accident.

Ah! Thank you very much.

How is not having a cell signal my fault?

I don't know. Every disaster that's happened

in my life lately has been because of you.

I have done everything in my power to assist you

in becoming a decent human being.

Yeah? How's that working out for you?

No matter how many ditches I pick you up from,

comatose women I help you marry,

pornographic films I cameo in,

mentally challenged women I inadvertently help you bed,

bodies I assist you in stealing, sniper bullets that I dodge,

kidneys that I lose for you, you will never

take responsibility for your own problems, will you?

How is getting locked in a David Fincher movie

with your identity crisis my problem, huh?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Kevin?

Kevin.

♪

Ah!

Oh.

My precious fig bird, why are you here?

I know, I know, it looks like I'm stalking you. Old habits.

I should have called you after I left your father.

I'm sorry.

And? What did he say?

He gave us his blessing.

Oh! How?

I paid him.

I'm sorry. What?

Well, paid is more of an offering, really.

What are you talking about? My father pimped me out?

Oh, no, no, no. Well, yes, I suppose.

Based on cultural interpretation--

How much?

Seven deluxe aluminum rims,

14 superior anti-corroding brake pads--

My father sold me for auto parts?

Custom auto parts. $15,000 worth.

$15,000? My God, I'm totally expensive,

like what Congressman buy. So, can we do it now?

Uhh, the familial circle of truth is not yet complete.

As soon as I tell my cousin, we are good to blow--

Go.

Okay.

Soon, my love, soon.

I haven't seen Kevin since I was six years old.

We went on vacation and when we came back, he was gone.

My father said he hopped away because I cried like a girl.

What's he doing here?

Where did you find him?

What kind of psycho voodoo bullshit are you pulling on me?

Oh, Richard.

Hey, you were there, at the accident.

It was you,

after I hit my head.

Yes. Yes, I was there to help you.

No, you made me run off the road.

Richard, I would never do anything to hurt you.

No, it's your fault: the accident, Babs Devin,

her daughter, jail, screwing my sales, syphilis, it's all you!

Or Mark, or Dave. I mean--

No, no, I can never do anything like that.

Prove it.

I can't!

Because I don't remember.

I don't remember anything before the accident.

All I know is that I saw you run off the road and you were hurt

and you needed my help.

Next time, be an innocent bystander.

You're right.

You're right. It doesn't matter who I am, this is all my fault.

I should have let you get rid of me a long time ago, Richard.

And now we're trapped here and you can't get to the Fibbys

and we're both going to die.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Will you get down from there?

The last thing I need is another dead body on my hands.

No, this is the only way.

Who knows how long you're going to be here before they find you.

You remember that South American soccer team?

No.

When I'm dead, you need to eat my body to stay alive.

The best meat is found in the rump.

We've been here 20 minutes.

And how long until the pangs of hunger drive you mad?

Another 20? You're not a breakfast person, Richard.

I know you. You haven't eaten anything all day.

Whatever happened to:

"You got to look on the bright side, Richard.

We got to move forward, Richard."

Killing yourself isn't going to solve anything

and it sure as shit isn't going to win me my trophy.

No? Then we both have nothing to live for.

[Gasping]

No matter who I am, Richard,

I will always hold you dear.

Nothing to live for, Larry?

You ever dipped a broad to Sinatra: The Count Basie years?

I don't think so.

You ever tasted a vodka martini so cold

it made your balls sting?

Alcohol's not really my thing.

You ever wanted to kiss a woman so bad,

that when you finally tasted her lips,

you didn't give a fuck what planet you were on?

Umm--

And what about the sweet taste of victory,

when you finally got to celebrate

the one thing you do better than any other schmuck in town?

You're always trying to convince me, Richard,

seduce me with your charm.

And this time's no different.

Come on, man. I need you, Larry.

Because that is your name.

Larry, I need you to help me find a way out of this shithole.

♪

Okay. Okay, maybe one last time.

Yeah.

Ooh!

Whoa!

Oh!

♪

Oh, there's a way.

No need to count again, Cousin.

It is clear our inventory's diminished.

You noticed.

Yes, and it is most troubling.

The universe is telling me that now is the time to confess.

Cousin, please, open your heart, listen to what I have to say--

I know your transgression, okay? And I forgive.

You do?

You know, I have done this salacious deed

many times myself. Late at night working,

I'm often overcome by this disgusting perversion of a sin.

Cousin, I am so relieved.

We Ruptas are not just devilishly handsome, huh?

We're also forgetful people.

Forgetful?

Yes. You failed to turn on the security monitor last night

and thieves had their way with anti-corroding brake pads.

What to do, y'all? What to do?

[Buzzer buzzing]

I shouldn't be here.

I'm glad you came.

You told me you'd kill my mom if I didn't.

I was joking. Come on, it's fun.

Yeah, I knew that. But please don't,

the killing my mom.

We're one and the same, you know, you and me.

We're not like everybody else,

everybody always shitting on us.

Did you get that book I told you about?

Yeah.

[Throat clearing]

It's right here.

Oh, it's not for me. It's for you.

I have a little project that I want to talk to you about,

something only a big, strong

ex-militia man could handle.

Who?

I'm talking about you, Joshy.

Oh.

I've got it all planned out.

Okay, umm, look, if this has anything to do with Fitzy--

You mean that monster that destroyed my childhood,

my family, my trust in men, with his selfish actions.

Okay, well, he's not that bad.

He bedded my mother

and then laughed it off when my father found out.

Okay, I guess that's pretty bad.

GROUP LEADER: We are in a state of emergency

and its name is Richard Fitzpatrick.

I'm not going to lie.

I'm thinking about fucking him right now.

We have to be strong, Allie.

We all have to be strong because the road we must take now

is hard and fraught with difficult decisions.

If--

If for once in your life you could,

in one, bold, symbolic act, throw down

those shackles of victimhood and say no more, wouldn't you do it?

Richard Fitzpatrick is a cancer.

And what do we do for cancer?

Regular breast exams?

Half a point. We destroy it.

WOMAN: Destroy Fitz?

We destroy it.

What?

I want you to get your tux on, and tonight,

we'll bring down those thieving devils.

Together, we'll crush the enemy of enemies,

the family Fitzpatrick once and for all.

I would pay 10,000 brake pads for a chance at that.

You are a good man, Josh McTaggart.

Know that I know that you know what's right.

I know that you know that I know...

Let's talk logistics, shall we?

I love you.

Get us signed in, get the vodka flowing, I'll go park the car.

We're an impressive team, Richard Fitzpatrick.

Now, let's go win us a Fibby! Yeah!

That is correct, the team of Larry with an L

and Richard Fitzpatrick.

Though generally he prefers to be called--

Oh, look at that, you know him.

There is no way in hell that dead, shrivelled scrotum--

can be allowed to exist one minute longer--

without answering for his crimes--

and paying the ultimate penalty!

You want a hit, Kev?

♪

♪ That's life

♪ That's what all the people say ♪

♪ You're riding high in April

♪ And shot down in May

♪ I know I'm gonna change that tune ♪

Yes, it does feel good to be number one.

On behalf of everyone at Fitzpatrick motors,

I'd like to say, "Fuck you, Dad."

[Chuckling]

[Door opening]

♪ Some people get their kicks stomping on a dream ♪

♪ But I won't let it get me down ♪

♪ 'Cause this final world, it keeps spinning 'round ♪

♪ I been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet ♪

♪ A pawn and a king

♪ I been up, down, over, out

♪ I know one thing

♪ Each time I find myself

♪ Flat on my face

♪ I pick myself up

♪ And get back in the race

♪ That's life

♪ And I can't deny it

♪ I've thought of cutting out

♪ But my heart, it just won't buy it ♪

♪ And if I didn't think it was worth a try ♪

♪ I'd hop on a big bird

♪ And then I'd fly

♪ I been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet ♪

♪ A pawn and a king

♪ I been up, down, over, out

♪ I know one thing