Original subtitles

FITZ: There are certain things in life

a man just can't do without.

Some of them are happy necessities.

Others are more like a disease,

filthy vices that threaten to bring you down.

It's life, man. Think about it.

Everybody needs somebody, right?

I mean, that French president has that hot wife, I got you--

Shut up, Josh.

Fuck, it stinks in here.

Hey, don't blame the carpet rot, man.

That's unrequited love you're smelling.

Oh, for fuck's sakes, Josh,

this may be a lot of things, but it sure as hell ain't love.

Yeah.

Let me tell you about love.

The filthiest vice of all.

Makes you weak, like a night of cheerleaders.

Lots and lots of cheerleaders.

Richard Fitzpatrick is many things,

but he's no junkie.

[Whimpering sound]

Seriously, is there a rehab for giving a shit?

♪

♪ Without you

♪ I find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you

♪ Oh life could be so grand ♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

♪ Without you

♪

Good morning.

Please die.

No, wait. You're mad, I get it.

You put yourself out there emotionally and legally

when you helped Ali Devin bury her mother

and you were rejected.

Were you born stupid or was it an acquired skill?

Don't misdirect your emotions, Richard.

Ali will forgive you,

especially if you promise not to build your lounge

over her mother's corpse.

And who says I want another shot with that broad?

What, I--

You and Ali, you had a good thing going.

Kind of.

Been there, screwed that.

I know you don't mean that and I honestly think--

Yes, Larry.

Please, tell me what you honestly think.

I'm dying to hear your "never put your dick in a vagina"

perspective on women.

Oh.

Come on, enlighten me.

Well--

Shut up.

Ali was a conquest, and to be perfectly honest,

she wasn't that good.

I don't believe you.

Scratch the surface and only one thing's going to bleed.

You're the reason things got fucked up with Ali

and you're the reason my entire life's in the shitter.

I want you gone.

And that's all I want too, Richard.

Don't you know how hard this is for me?

I've got other things I'd like to be doing,

but mitigating the collateral damage

of your narcissistic navel-gazing is a full-time job.

If you could just show me one act of altruism,

one good deed--

You'd leave?

No.

But I'd be willing to take a weekend off.

If you ladies are done kissing.

You already know of our fine quality inventory

and money back guarantee.

Death to high prices!

Death!

Do you know what is our most precious asset of all?

It is you, the citizen.

That is why we at Ruptal Motors

shall devote the Lord's Day this weekend--

Friday

To a charity event benefiting taut children,

and you, the citizen.

Bring in your toy for a taut child

and get 10% off a new used car.

For charity!

For children!

For charity!

For children!

For charity! For children!

Those sand monkeys are onto something.

And it's smarter than anything you idiots have come up with.

We need a plan.

It's a no-brainer. We fight fire with fire.

If the Ruptals use charity, we out charity them so bad

they'll wish they'd stuck to roadside bombing.

Our own charity event is not totally stupid.

Larry, you take care of it.

Larry? It was my fucking idea.

You don't know squirt about doing good

for anyone except yourself.

If we're going to convince the public we give a rat's ass

about this touchy-feely stuff,

I need someone in touch with his inner twat.

Oh.

Uh, I won't let you down, sir.

Do you want a hit?

Only thing I want to hit is that beanpole mother fucker.

Always going on about how he's my conscience,

and he does fuck all to make me look good.

Only help he gives is solely designed to make him look good.

Self preservation, bro. It's a basic law of physics.

You're high.

Or brain-damaged.

No, no, no, man.

Listen, Larry says he's your conscience,

ergo it's not really in his best interests

to let you be nice,

because then you might become good.

And if that happens--

Bye bye, Larry.

Exactly.

Ow! Oh!

Oh, I got it.

Great idea, Sonya.

Yeah, because balloons are fun and blood is red,

so people are going to think that giving blood is fun.

That is exactly what I thought.

A blood drive?

Boring.

No, this is a can-do project, Richard,

and we're very busy,

so if your criticism can't be constructive,

then you can just shoo.

Yeah.

You think the old man is right,

that I don't care about anyone but myself.

- I didn't say that. - Yep.

You know what?

I'll show you fuckers.

No one in this dump's as charitable as me,

because a charity is like any other sale.

If you want a fish to give you their money,

you've got to hook them in.

Seafood, Richard?

These are people's lives we're talking about, people in need.

Exactly my point.

♪

FITZ: Look at him.

He's adorable.

Crippled and pathetic.

Let's raise money for gimpy there.

He's the one who needs our help.

But everybody hates that guy.

All the more reason to help him.

You see? I'm listening to your advice.

Altruism, good deeds.

Get me another one, asshole.

LARRY: Uh, Richard,

shouldn't the Fitzpatrick Motors poster boy

be a little more, uh--

boylike?

Ah, don't be so short-sighted, Larry.

Ned's perfect invalid for Fitzpatrick Motors.

A little banged up, but with a lot of heart.

Who wants a pretzel?

You want a fucking pretzel?

You're really serious about helping him?

Hand to God, Larry.

That's your crotch.

[Sighing]

[Sighing]

[Sighing dramatically]

Is everything okay?

You've been with a lot of guys, right?

Not really, no.

Don't be so modest.

We're modern women.

We can have loose morals now.

No, actually.

Just Olaf from my hometown and your brother.

Sure, and all the other guys.

Is there a point to this?

I need a man in my life.

I've tried everything.

The bars...

Well, everyone says that you never find true love:

true love finds you.

Maybe in romantic comedies, but this is real life,

where the handsome guy never picks the perky redhead

over the plastic blonde.

I will help you find a guy.

It's my mom's idea.

Have to pay the medical bills somehow, right?

[Rattling]

Actually kept us going for a while,

but cripples are like puppies:

adorable when we're young, but then we get bigger

and people get mad at us for pissing on the floor.

[Water trickling]

Yeah, it's happening.

You poor boy.

Uh, what happened?

I'm 15, hitting the slopes,

high on life and some killer chronic.

I meet this bunny on the chairlift.

About halfway up, she tears open my snow pants,

starts polishing my pole.

I knew there was a reason I loved this guy.

Next thing I know, I'm headfirst in a tree,

spine snapped in three places.

At least you got one last knob job before you bit it, right?

Great, memories.

That'll get me through the day.

You know, I've spent my entire adult life

with my face at ass level.

Yeah, I need 24-hour assistance,

but all I can afford is this mute fucker here.

He just cleans up my piss and shit all day.

How's that university degree working out for you?

Ned, your story is heartbreaking and I want to help.

What do you need?

Can't fix my legs,

but a new kidney would give me a few more years.

Oh.

We're going to do whatever it takes to help you, Ned.

Yeah, those dumb fucks

are going to care about Ned Lutz for a change.

Uh, well, perhaps we can start

by not calling people dumb fucks.

Whatever you say, dumb fuck.

Where the fuck is everyone?

Well, Richard, remember it's the thought that counts.

FITZ: No, this is bull shit.

I gave Josh the flyers to distribute--

Oh, fuck.

Well, there's always next weekend.

NED: Hey, fuck you.

Go find yourself another gimp to dry your tears on.

Ned, wait, wait. Hang on.

I may know a guy who can help us get this show on the road.

[Dialling]

MAN: CBWJ, the daily all request station.

Hey, Jerry, it's Fitzy.

Fitzy!

Remember that sweet ride I put you into?

Oh, yeah, what was her name again?

How the fuck should I know?

Listen, it's time to return the favour.

I need a couple of minutes of airtime.

I've got an important announcement.

Nicola. Yeah, it was Nicola.

Uh, hold the line, buddy.

Hey, Josh.

Turn up that radio.

10-4 back door.

JERRY: Got one of CBWJ's friends on the line, Richard Fitzpatrick

from Fitzpatrick Motors.

Got a request?

FITZ: Yeah, Jerry, I've got a request.

I want the people of this town to open up their hearts, Jerry.

I'm down here at Fitzpatrick Motors with my friend Ned Lutz.

Ned isn't a handsome man.

Fuck you.

Nor is he a nice man.

What Ned is, is an adult screwed by the system.

One human being,

a decade of prejudice and neglect.

Ned deserves a second chance here, folks,

but he can't do that without our help.

He needs the money for a new kidney

and I'm not going to rest until he gets it.

It's just the kind of guy I am.

JERRY: Are you seriously asking people to donate money

so that you can buy Ned a kidney?

Isn't that illegal?

Not if someone gives it to me.

You know, put the "do" in "donation."

No, we just need money to help cover the cost of the surgery,

because--

Because I'm going to give him one of mine.

I have two of those, right?

What are you doing?

JERRY: You heard it here first, folks.

Richard Fitzpatrick is giving a dying man one of his kidneys.

That's not all we're giving away, folks.

We're practically giving away cars, cars, cars,

so come on down to Fitzpatrick Motors.

How's that for altruism, fucker?

You're giving that guy a kidney?

You never give me anything.

Will you relax?

The chances of a total stranger being a compatible donor

are one in a billion.

Meanwhile, I've proven myself

to be a caring and compassionate person,

made the old man some cash and, best of all,

Larry will be out of my life.

You could still give me something from time to time.

Just saying.

Everyone, I want to say something.

Yesterday I was just another worthless cripple

that nobody cared about

because I wasn't pretty enough for mainstream media.

Well, today that's all changed, and it's thanks to this man.

[Applause]

Hey, hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves, folks.

There's still a lot of tests to be done.

Well, I hear it's just a very simple blood test.

Which my nurse will handle personally.

[Applause]

And, God forbid,

what if I'm not a match?

Well, thanks to the anti-rejection drugs,

that's practically impossible.

[Applause]

What the hell are you doing?

Making sure you don't back out of this.

Richard Fitzpatrick,

you've given me the greatest gift of all:

the gift of life.

With the help of his friends

to see it through.

WOMAN: Way to go, Fitzy!

Say your goodbyes, piss nugget.

[Applause]

Okay, so what are you looking for?

A relationship, something casual?

Can I have a relationship with lots of casual sex?

[Sighing]

I don't think that's possible.

Oh, he'll do.

Hello.

Let's try to find somebody who shares your interests.

Do you have any hobbies?

Power walking.

It's an Olympic sport.

Anything else?

I just signed up for a taxidermy workshop.

Sure.

I guess guys wouldn't mind having you do their taxes.

Not taxes.

Oh my God, you're so dumb.

Taxidermy. You know, like stuffed animals.

It's like teddy bears for grownups.

It's awesome.

Okay, um--

Power walking--

Taxidermy--

Ooh, Holocaust documentaries.

Love 'em.

You know what, let's start with him.

MEGHAN: Oh, okay. Great.

Go get him.

What?

I told you I needed your help getting a guy, so...

Fetch.

[Laughing]

I'm totally not joking.

Now.

Oh, yeah.

Hey. No, no, no, no.

No drinks for you, mister.

You're giving away a kidney, remember.

Quit fucking around.

Don't.

[Moaning]

Oh, thanks, jerkwad.

Now I'm nauseous.

That's not nausea, that's guilt.

And you know why? Because deep down you know

you're not going to go through with this.

Contrary to popular opinion,

I actually do give a shit about crap.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, if you really want to make a difference

in that man's life,

you won't have this drink.

How come every time I try to do something good

you tell me to be bad?

That's That's not true.

Then what's this?

No, I, I--

I'm trying to prove a point.

And yet all you've done is proven mine.

You don't want me to be good, Larry,

because if I change, you'll be out of a job.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

All night long he was, "When's your friend coming back?

"What's your friend's name? Where does your friend live?

Does she have a security system?"

Did you tell him?

Like I'm going to wrap him up in a bow and just give him to you.

[Sighing]

You can have any guy you want, obviously.

Why can't I have just one?

Well, what about the internet?

Isn't everyone finding their soulmate online these days?

No, just pathetic people who post misleading photos

and lie about their age and take you to Burger King,

and you can't have anything off the menu anyway

because you're gluten intolerant,

and you have to sit there for three hours

and listen to stories about their cats!

Or so I've heard.

Don't worry.

Love will find you.

I promise.

What do you know?

You're still carrying a torch for my degenerate brother.

[Sighing]

We're good to go.

Tomorrow morning. I'll keep you posted.

There he is.

There's my saviour.

Still feeling it?

You know it, pal.

So what did the blood test say?

Good news, amigo.

Yeah, of course it is.

Yeah, we're a perfect match.

He says genetically we could've been separated at birth.

[Sighing]

You're not having second thoughts, are you?

No, I'm just--

I'm feeling a little feverish, that's all.

Check him.

NED: Hey, it's okay.

It's probably just nerves. Or the DTs. Don't sweat it.

In a couple of days you'll be riding high

on some primo painkillers.

Plus think of all the hero sex

you're gonna score. Am I right?

[Breathless] Yeah.

Oh, here's the address for the donor clinic.

They want us there at 5:00am for prep.

See you tomorrow.

[Sighing]

NED: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

[Groaning]

[Collapsing]

Hmm.

Hmm.

Oh, fuck.

Nice beaver.

What?

Oh.

Thank you.

Nice cock.

This is an armadillo.

Oh, right.

Easy.

Okay, just follow the light.

Good.

Any other symptoms you can tell me about?

Um, light-headed, tired, nauseous.

Oh, and I've got this wicked sore on my balls.

Uh, I'm not a urologist or anything,

but I'm pretty sure you've got syphilis.

Can I still donate a kidney?

I wouldn't donate spit until you've got that cleaned up.

Scotch! Make it a double!

SONYA: Sure thing, Fitz.

You want anything, doc?

I'm good.

[Sighing]

Let me help you

with your magnificently deceased water dweller.

Oh, well--

[Sighing]

♪

I got it. Thank you.

My pleasure.

Oh, darling.

♪

Richard?

It's Larry.

Uh, I've been thinking about what you said,

and I am afraid that if you change,

I will cease to exist.

But I won't let my self preservation stand in the way

of your emotional journey any longer.

If you donate your kidney and I disappear,

it will be worth it

because it means that you've truly, truly changed.

Richard, I'm here to take you to the clinic.

Richard?

Oh, God.

[Groaning]

That'll put hair on your balls.

How are your balls, anyways?

Is that where the STD shows up first?

Oh, remind me to tell you about Enrique,

this bag man that I met in Peru.

He had the clap so bad that his balls--

Hey, hey!

Shut it, cock hole!

My bad.

Zip it and lock it, put it in my pocket.

I don't believe this.

One cream soda for the sexually frustrated lamp stand.

LARRY: Richard, it's 3:45 in the morning.

Yeah, you have surgery in one hour, or did you forget?

Didn't forget.

It's not happening.

I should've known.

You are incapable of helping others.

But not this time, okay?

You made a commitment to donate your kidney,

and whether your altruism was real or not,

Ned needs that organ to survive.

Ned doesn't want my organ.

Not after a bottle of Kentucky's finest.

[Giggling]

He'd be pissed.

[Laughing]

You know what, I should've known

that you'd didn't have it in you.

Why don't you get lost, you sanctimonious prick?

You fucking prick.

I won't because I can't.

Someone needs to give Ned Lutz a kidney.

He will not die because of your selfishness.

Be my guest.

Save it.

I already made arrangements to fill in for you,

and you know why?

Because as much as I did not want to admit it,

I knew that deep down you are incapable

of even one act of true kindness.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Richard Fitzpatrick.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

[Josh laughing]

[Glass smashing]

How do you think Larry's doing?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

Hey, you've got to admit, though,

giving up his kidney because you couldn't: that's friendship.

No, that's grandstanding.

This is friendship.

Fitz, don't even.

The only time that you call me

is when you want to have a good time or dump a body,

and I'm cool with that.

But Larry? I mean, he gets you out of shit

even when you don't know you're in it.

Okay, he is not my friend

and he sure as hell isn't my conscience.

He's not your conscience.

He's your soulmate.

Soulmate--

What are you on, crack?

Not any more.

Nice charity work.

Like you give a shit if that guy lives or dies.

I don't care about him.

I care about this place.

You look bad, my dealership looks bad.

It's covered, old man.

Saint Larry's offering up his kidney right now.

If I play my cards right,

maybe I can finally get rid of him one organ at a time.

How are you going to do that, putz?

He hasn't even had a blood test.

You can't just call up at the last minute

and offer up a kidney.

You're even stupider than he is.

Ken's right.

I mean, for all they know, he's got syphilis too.

So how come they couldn't tell that I had it--

Fuck.

You couldn't smell a scam

if it was rammed up your ass and made out of cheese.

JOSH: That's just--

That's just disgusting.

Fuck.

JOSH: Well, it looks like you got your wish, Fitzy.

Bye bye, Larry.

Huh?

Where are you going?

Where are you going?!

♪

[Whimpering]

[Whimpering]

Ned took my kidney, Richard,

and that nurse; very mean.

I need an ambulance, 1486 Miller Grove.

It's not even for him.

You know, he's going to sell it on the black market.

I know. They never did a blood test on me.

They would have found out I've got syphilis.

Richard, no.

You need to notify your recent sexual partners right away.

Full disclosure.

Shut the fuck up and think about yourself for once.

You just lost a kidney.

Be a little selfish.

I don't mind, Richard.

Because of this, I got to witness

the greatest act of altruism of all.

You came for me, partner.

Don't read too much into this.

I love you, Richard.

Oh, come on, man.

This is a new suit. Fuck.

[Groaning]

Beautiful man.

You two--

We should probably get out of here.

♪