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FITZ:
There are
certain things in life
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00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:23,153
a man just can't do without.
3
00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:28,854
Some of them
are happy necessities.
4
00:00:28,854 --> 00:00:31,814
Others are more like a disease,
5
00:00:31,814 --> 00:00:36,166
filthy vices that
threaten to bring you down.
6
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:37,385
It's life, man.
Think about it.
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00:00:37,385 --> 00:00:39,039
Everybody needs
somebody, right?
8
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,519
I mean, that French president
has that hot wife, I got you--
9
00:00:41,519 --> 00:00:42,520
Shut up, Josh.
10
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,609
Fuck, it stinks in here.
11
00:00:44,609 --> 00:00:45,958
Hey, don't blame
the carpet rot, man.
12
00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:47,221
That's unrequited love
you're smelling.
13
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:48,831
Oh, for fuck's sakes, Josh,
14
00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:51,181
this may be a lot of things,
but it sure as hell ain't love.
15
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:52,487
Yeah.
16
00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:54,010
Let me tell you about love.
17
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:56,621
The filthiest vice of all.
18
00:00:56,621 --> 00:01:00,016
Makes you weak,
like a night of cheerleaders.
19
00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:03,672
Lots and lots of cheerleaders.
20
00:01:03,672 --> 00:01:07,110
Richard Fitzpatrick
is many things,
21
00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:09,069
but he's no junkie.
22
00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:16,032
[Whimpering sound]
23
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:22,517
Seriously, is there a rehab
for giving a shit?
24
00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:27,261
♪
25
00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:29,219
♪ Without you
26
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:33,484
♪ I find my smile
27
00:01:33,484 --> 00:01:36,052
♪ Without you
28
00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:38,881
♪ I won
by a mile ♪
29
00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:41,101
♪ Without you
30
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,974
♪ Oh life could be
so grand ♪
31
00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:46,932
♪ Without you
32
00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:49,065
♪ I'm half a man
33
00:01:49,065 --> 00:01:54,114
♪ Without you
34
00:01:55,811 --> 00:02:04,385
♪ Without you
35
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:11,043
♪
36
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,044
Good morning.
37
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:13,698
Please die.
38
00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:15,309
No, wait.
You're mad, I get it.
39
00:02:15,309 --> 00:02:18,181
You put yourself out there
emotionally and legally
40
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:19,965
when you helped Ali Devin
bury her mother
41
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,315
and you were rejected.
42
00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:24,579
Were you born stupid
or was it an acquired skill?
43
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:26,233
Don't misdirect your emotions, Richard.
44
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:27,712
Ali will forgive you,
45
00:02:27,712 --> 00:02:30,193
especially if you promise
not to build your lounge
46
00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:31,673
over her mother's corpse.
47
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:34,154
And who says I want another shot
with that broad?
48
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,068
What, I--
49
00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:38,114
You and Ali,
you had a good thing going.
50
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:39,594
Kind of.
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00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:41,161
Been there, screwed that.
52
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,206
I know you don't mean that
and I honestly think--
53
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,425
Yes, Larry.
54
00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:46,992
Please, tell me what
you honestly think.
55
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:48,994
I'm dying to hear your "never
put your dick in a vagina"
56
00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:50,431
perspective on women.
57
00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:51,693
Oh.
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00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:52,955
Come on, enlighten me.
59
00:02:52,955 --> 00:02:54,652
Well--
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00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:56,045
Shut up.
61
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:57,002
Ali was a conquest,
and to be perfectly honest,
62
00:02:57,002 --> 00:02:58,178
she wasn't that good.
63
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,875
I don't believe you.
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00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:02,399
Scratch the surface and only
one thing's going to bleed.
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00:03:02,399 --> 00:03:03,966
You're the reason things got
fucked up with Ali
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00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:06,142
and you're the reason my
entire life's in the shitter.
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00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:07,187
I want you gone.
68
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,102
And that's all I want too, Richard.
69
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:12,192
Don't you know how hard
this is for me?
70
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:16,065
I've got other things
I'd like to be doing,
71
00:03:16,065 --> 00:03:17,545
but mitigating
the collateral damage
72
00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:19,416
of your narcissistic
navel-gazing is a full-time job.
73
00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:21,462
If you could just show me
one act of altruism,
74
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:22,985
one good deed--
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00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:23,986
You'd leave?
76
00:03:23,986 --> 00:03:25,248
No.
77
00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:27,729
But I'd be willing to
take a weekend off.
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00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:29,600
If you ladies
are done kissing.
79
00:03:33,387 --> 00:03:36,520
You already know of our
fine quality inventory
80
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,261
and money back guarantee.
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00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:39,871
Death to high prices!
82
00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,308
Death!
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00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:43,658
Do you know what is our
most precious asset of all?
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00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,442
It is you,
the citizen.
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00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:46,748
That is why we at Ruptal Motors
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00:03:46,748 --> 00:03:49,185
shall devote the Lord's Day
this weekend--
87
00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:50,447
Friday
88
00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:52,797
To a charity event
benefiting taut children,
89
00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:54,321
and you, the citizen.
90
00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:56,584
Bring in your toy
for a taut child
91
00:03:56,584 --> 00:03:58,977
and get 10% off a new used car.
92
00:03:58,977 --> 00:04:00,457
For charity!
93
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:01,676
For children!
94
00:04:01,676 --> 00:04:02,807
For charity!
95
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:04,156
For children!
96
00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:13,427
For charity! For children!
97
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:19,084
Those sand monkeys
are onto something.
98
00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:22,305
And it's smarter than anything
you idiots have come up with.
99
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:23,524
We need a plan.
100
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,656
It's a no-brainer.
We fight fire with fire.
101
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:28,006
If the Ruptals use charity,
we out charity them so bad
102
00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:30,008
they'll wish they'd stuck
to roadside bombing.
103
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:33,969
Our own charity event
is not totally stupid.
104
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:34,970
Larry, you take care of it.
105
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:37,102
Larry? It was my fucking idea.
106
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:38,974
You don't know squirt
about doing good
107
00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:40,541
for anyone except yourself.
108
00:04:40,541 --> 00:04:42,673
If we're going to convince
the public we give a rat's ass
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00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:43,979
about this touchy-feely stuff,
110
00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:46,329
I need someone in touch
with his inner twat.
111
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:47,678
Oh.
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00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:51,073
Uh, I won't let you down, sir.
113
00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:58,559
Do you want a hit?
114
00:04:58,559 --> 00:05:01,736
Only thing I want to hit is
that beanpole mother fucker.
115
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,694
Always going on about
how he's my conscience,
116
00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:05,566
and he does fuck all
to make me look good.
117
00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:09,221
Only help he gives is solely
designed to make him look good.
118
00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:11,963
Self preservation, bro.
It's a basic law of physics.
119
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:13,617
You're high.
120
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:14,618
Or brain-damaged.
121
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,359
No, no, no, man.
122
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:18,753
Listen, Larry says
he's your conscience,
123
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:21,408
ergo it's not really
in his best interests
124
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:22,844
to let you be nice,
125
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:25,194
because then you might
become good.
126
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:27,152
And if that happens--
127
00:05:27,152 --> 00:05:28,415
Bye bye, Larry.
128
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:30,068
Exactly.
129
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:31,418
Ow! Oh!
130
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:34,246
Oh, I got it.
131
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:39,861
Great idea, Sonya.
132
00:05:39,861 --> 00:05:43,168
Yeah, because balloons
are fun and blood is red,
133
00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,388
so people are going to think
that giving blood is fun.
134
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,608
That is exactly what I thought.
135
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,610
A blood drive?
136
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:50,741
Boring.
137
00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:52,830
No, this is a
can-do project, Richard,
138
00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:54,136
and we're very busy,
139
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,485
so if your criticism
can't be constructive,
140
00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:56,573
then you can just shoo.
141
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:57,574
Yeah.
142
00:05:57,574 --> 00:06:00,185
You think the old man is right,
143
00:06:00,185 --> 00:06:02,405
that I don't care about
anyone but myself.
144
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,059
- I didn't say that.
- Yep.
145
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:05,321
You know what?
146
00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:06,801
I'll show you fuckers.
147
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,672
No one in this dump's
as charitable as me,
148
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,674
because a charity is like
any other sale.
149
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:12,415
If you want a fish
to give you their money,
150
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:13,851
you've got to hook them in.
151
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:15,766
Seafood, Richard?
152
00:06:15,766 --> 00:06:18,465
These are people's lives we're
talking about, people in need.
153
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:20,292
Exactly my point.
154
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:29,214
♪
155
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:31,042
FITZ:
Look at him.
156
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,088
He's adorable.
157
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,611
Crippled and pathetic.
158
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:36,047
Let's raise money
for gimpy there.
159
00:06:36,047 --> 00:06:38,136
He's the one
who needs our help.
160
00:06:38,136 --> 00:06:41,096
But everybody
hates that guy.
161
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:43,359
All the more reason
to help him.
162
00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:45,013
You see? I'm listening
to your advice.
163
00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:48,059
Altruism, good deeds.
164
00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:49,670
Get me another one, asshole.
165
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,933
LARRY:
Uh, Richard,
166
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:53,630
shouldn't the Fitzpatrick
Motors poster boy
167
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,632
be a little more, uh--
168
00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:56,981
boylike?
169
00:06:56,981 --> 00:06:58,853
Ah, don't be so
short-sighted, Larry.
170
00:06:58,853 --> 00:07:01,638
Ned's perfect invalid
for Fitzpatrick Motors.
171
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:04,336
A little banged up,
but with a lot of heart.
172
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:06,556
Who wants a pretzel?
173
00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:08,384
You want a fucking pretzel?
174
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:12,083
You're really serious
about helping him?
175
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:14,346
Hand to God, Larry.
176
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:16,958
That's your crotch.
177
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:18,873
[Sighing]
178
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,271
[Sighing]
179
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:34,671
[Sighing dramatically]
180
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:36,978
Is everything okay?
181
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:39,589
You've been with
a lot of guys, right?
182
00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:41,678
Not really, no.
183
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,201
Don't be so modest.
184
00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:44,376
We're modern women.
185
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,074
We can have loose morals now.
186
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:48,598
No, actually.
187
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:51,558
Just Olaf from my hometown
and your brother.
188
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,603
Sure, and all the other guys.
189
00:07:56,127 --> 00:07:57,085
Is there a point to this?
190
00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:59,217
I need a man in my life.
191
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:01,045
I've tried everything.
192
00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:02,830
The bars...
193
00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:09,010
Well, everyone says that
you never find true love:
194
00:08:09,010 --> 00:08:10,577
true love finds you.
195
00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:13,841
Maybe in romantic comedies,
but this is real life,
196
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:16,191
where the handsome guy
never picks the perky redhead
197
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,149
over the plastic blonde.
198
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:24,025
I will help you find a guy.
199
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:31,946
It's my mom's idea.
200
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,208
Have to pay the medical bills
somehow, right?
201
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:34,775
[Rattling]
202
00:08:34,775 --> 00:08:36,516
Actually kept us going
for a while,
203
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,649
but cripples are like puppies:
204
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,825
adorable when we're young,
but then we get bigger
205
00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,958
and people get mad at us
for pissing on the floor.
206
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:48,266
[Water trickling]
207
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:50,312
Yeah, it's happening.
208
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:55,535
You poor boy.
209
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,884
Uh, what happened?
210
00:08:56,884 --> 00:09:00,191
I'm 15, hitting the slopes,
211
00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:03,151
high on life
and some killer chronic.
212
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:05,327
I meet this bunny
on the chairlift.
213
00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,590
About halfway up,
she tears open my snow pants,
214
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:08,896
starts polishing my pole.
215
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,812
I knew there was a reason
I loved this guy.
216
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:13,857
Next thing I know,
I'm headfirst in a tree,
217
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,903
spine snapped in three places.
218
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:19,123
At least you got one last knob
job before you bit it, right?
219
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:20,951
Great, memories.
220
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:22,866
That'll get me through the day.
221
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,042
You know, I've spent
my entire adult life
222
00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:27,610
with my face at ass level.
223
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,438
Yeah, I need 24-hour assistance,
224
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:32,136
but all I can afford
is this mute fucker here.
225
00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:34,008
He just cleans up
my piss and shit all day.
226
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:37,054
How's that university degree
working out for you?
227
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:41,624
Ned, your story is heartbreaking
and I want to help.
228
00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,191
What do you need?
229
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,932
Can't fix my legs,
230
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:48,370
but a new kidney would
give me a few more years.
231
00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:51,155
Oh.
232
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:55,029
We're going to do whatever
it takes to help you, Ned.
233
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,424
Yeah, those dumb fucks
234
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,557
are going to care about
Ned Lutz for a change.
235
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:04,081
Uh, well, perhaps we can start
236
00:10:04,081 --> 00:10:07,258
by not calling people
dumb fucks.
237
00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:09,217
Whatever you say, dumb fuck.
238
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:18,443
Where the fuck
is everyone?
239
00:10:18,443 --> 00:10:21,055
Well, Richard, remember
it's the thought that counts.
240
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:22,578
FITZ:
No, this is bull shit.
241
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:24,014
I gave Josh the flyers
to distribute--
242
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:27,235
Oh, fuck.
243
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:28,323
Well, there's always
next weekend.
244
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:29,803
NED:
Hey, fuck you.
245
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:32,457
Go find yourself another gimp
to dry your tears on.
246
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,982
Ned, wait, wait. Hang on.
247
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,679
I may know a guy who can help us
get this show on the road.
248
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:38,159
[Dialling]
249
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:40,204
MAN:
CBWJ, the daily all
request station.
250
00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:41,336
Hey, Jerry, it's Fitzy.
251
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:42,467
Fitzy!
252
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,078
Remember that sweet ride
I put you into?
253
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:46,515
Oh, yeah, what was
her name again?
254
00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:47,864
How the fuck should I know?
255
00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:49,387
Listen, it's time to
return the favour.
256
00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:50,824
I need a couple of minutes
of airtime.
257
00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:52,216
I've got an important announcement.
258
00:10:52,216 --> 00:10:53,696
Nicola. Yeah, it was Nicola.
259
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:55,089
Uh, hold the line, buddy.
260
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:56,090
Hey, Josh.
261
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:57,004
Turn up that radio.
262
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:59,659
10-4 back door.
263
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,225
JERRY:
Got one of CBWJ's friends on
the line, Richard Fitzpatrick
264
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,487
from Fitzpatrick Motors.
265
00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:04,011
Got a request?
266
00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:05,752
FITZ:
Yeah, Jerry,
I've got a request.
267
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:09,581
I want the people of this town
to open up their hearts, Jerry.
268
00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:12,976
I'm down here at Fitzpatrick
Motors with my friend Ned Lutz.
269
00:11:12,976 --> 00:11:14,325
Ned isn't a handsome man.
270
00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:15,370
Fuck you.
271
00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:19,113
Nor is he a nice man.
272
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:21,419
What Ned is, is an adult
screwed by the system.
273
00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:23,117
One human being,
274
00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:25,467
a decade of prejudice
and neglect.
275
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:27,164
Ned deserves a second chance
here, folks,
276
00:11:27,164 --> 00:11:30,994
but he can't do that
without our help.
277
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,693
He needs the money
for a new kidney
278
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,173
and I'm not going to rest
until he gets it.
279
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:37,958
It's just the kind of guy I am.
280
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,960
JERRY:
Are you seriously asking
people to donate money
281
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,396
so that you can
buy Ned a kidney?
282
00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:42,963
Isn't that illegal?
283
00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:45,661
Not if someone gives it to me.
284
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:47,489
You know, put the "do"
in "donation."
285
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:52,712
No, we just need money to help
cover the cost of the surgery,
286
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,018
because--
287
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:56,803
Because I'm going to
give him one of mine.
288
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:58,195
I have two of those, right?
289
00:11:58,195 --> 00:11:59,544
What are you doing?
290
00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:01,285
JERRY: You heard it here first, folks.
291
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:03,940
Richard Fitzpatrick is giving a dying man one of his kidneys.
292
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,855
That's not all
we're giving away, folks.
293
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:08,162
We're practically giving away
cars, cars, cars,
294
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:11,078
so come on down
to Fitzpatrick Motors.
295
00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:14,559
How's that for altruism, fucker?
296
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:22,959
You're giving
that guy a kidney?
297
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:24,047
You never give me anything.
298
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,614
Will you relax?
299
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:27,181
The chances of a total stranger
being a compatible donor
300
00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:28,312
are one in a billion.
301
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:29,792
Meanwhile,
I've proven myself
302
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:32,142
to be a caring and
compassionate person,
303
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:34,057
made the old man
some cash and, best of all,
304
00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:36,799
Larry will be
out of my life.
305
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,845
You could still give me
something from time to time.
306
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:40,803
Just saying.
307
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:44,415
Everyone, I want to
say something.
308
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,156
Yesterday I was just another
worthless cripple
309
00:12:46,156 --> 00:12:48,158
that nobody cared about
310
00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:51,074
because I wasn't pretty enough
for mainstream media.
311
00:12:51,074 --> 00:12:54,469
Well, today that's all changed,
and it's thanks to this man.
312
00:12:54,469 --> 00:12:57,298
[Applause]
313
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:59,256
Hey, hey, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, folks.
314
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:02,129
There's still
a lot of tests to be done.
315
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:05,959
Well, I hear it's just
a very simple blood test.
316
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:09,049
Which my nurse
will handle personally.
317
00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:10,964
[Applause]
318
00:13:10,964 --> 00:13:13,575
And, God forbid,
319
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:15,620
what if I'm not a match?
320
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,187
Well, thanks to the
anti-rejection drugs,
321
00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:19,711
that's practically impossible.
322
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,148
[Applause]
323
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,497
What the hell
are you doing?
324
00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:23,759
Making sure you don't
back out of this.
325
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:25,761
Richard Fitzpatrick,
326
00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:27,763
you've given me
the greatest gift of all:
327
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:30,026
the gift of life.
328
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:31,854
With the help of
his friends
329
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:32,942
to see it through.
330
00:13:32,942 --> 00:13:34,161
WOMAN:
Way to go, Fitzy!
331
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:38,252
Say your goodbyes, piss nugget.
332
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:43,344
[Applause]
333
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:46,390
Okay, so what are you
looking for?
334
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:50,177
A relationship,
something casual?
335
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:52,135
Can I have a relationship
with lots of casual sex?
336
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:53,484
[Sighing]
337
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:55,138
I don't think that's possible.
338
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,010
Oh, he'll do.
339
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:58,098
Hello.
340
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:03,364
Let's try to find somebody
who shares your interests.
341
00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:05,932
Do you have any hobbies?
342
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,847
Power walking.
343
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,545
It's an Olympic sport.
344
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,025
Anything else?
345
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:14,027
I just signed up
for a taxidermy workshop.
346
00:14:14,027 --> 00:14:15,506
Sure.
347
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:18,161
I guess guys wouldn't mind
having you do their taxes.
348
00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:19,859
Not taxes.
349
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,208
Oh my God, you're so dumb.
350
00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:24,602
Taxidermy.
You know, like stuffed animals.
351
00:14:24,602 --> 00:14:26,430
It's like teddy bears
for grownups.
352
00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:28,128
It's awesome.
353
00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:30,565
Okay, um--
354
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:32,436
Power walking--
355
00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:33,698
Taxidermy--
356
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:35,004
Ooh, Holocaust documentaries.
357
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,353
Love 'em.
358
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:38,965
You know what,
let's start with him.
359
00:14:38,965 --> 00:14:42,011
MEGHAN:
Oh, okay. Great.
360
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:43,534
Go get him.
361
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,275
What?
362
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:48,278
I told you I needed your help
getting a guy, so...
363
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,194
Fetch.
364
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:52,761
[Laughing]
365
00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:54,937
I'm totally not joking.
366
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:58,071
Now.
367
00:14:58,071 --> 00:14:59,202
Oh, yeah.
368
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:05,034
Hey. No, no, no, no.
369
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,949
No drinks for you, mister.
370
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:08,429
You're giving away a kidney, remember.
371
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:09,517
Quit fucking around.
372
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:10,953
Don't.
373
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,781
[Moaning]
374
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,130
Oh, thanks, jerkwad.
375
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:16,480
Now I'm nauseous.
376
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:17,786
That's not nausea, that's guilt.
377
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:19,701
And you know why?
Because deep down you know
378
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:21,094
you're not going to
go through with this.
379
00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:24,010
Contrary to popular opinion,
380
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,316
I actually do give a shit
about crap.
381
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:27,665
Really?
382
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:29,058
Yeah.
383
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:30,886
Well, if you really want
to make a difference
384
00:15:30,886 --> 00:15:32,844
in that man's life,
385
00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:35,673
you won't have this drink.
386
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:40,504
How come every time
I try to do something good
387
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,115
you tell me to be bad?
388
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:44,204
That's That's not true.
389
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:45,857
Then what's this?
390
00:15:45,857 --> 00:15:46,946
No, I, I--
391
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,077
I'm trying to prove a point.
392
00:15:48,077 --> 00:15:50,601
And yet all you've done
is proven mine.
393
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:52,168
You don't want me
to be good, Larry,
394
00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:54,736
because if I change,
you'll be out of a job.
395
00:15:56,781 --> 00:16:01,221
Yeah, that's what I thought.
396
00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:10,447
All night long he was,
"When's your friend coming back?
397
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:12,449
"What's your friend's name?
Where does your friend live?
398
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:13,885
Does she have
a security system?"
399
00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:15,539
Did you tell him?
400
00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:18,325
Like I'm going to wrap him up in
a bow and just give him to you.
401
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,674
[Sighing]
402
00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:21,981
You can have any guy
you want, obviously.
403
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,069
Why can't I have just one?
404
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:26,202
Well, what about the internet?
405
00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:29,075
Isn't everyone finding their
soulmate online these days?
406
00:16:29,075 --> 00:16:33,035
No, just pathetic people
who post misleading photos
407
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:35,298
and lie about their age
and take you to Burger King,
408
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:37,474
and you can't have anything
off the menu anyway
409
00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,128
because you're gluten intolerant,
410
00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:41,043
and you have to sit there
for three hours
411
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,263
and listen to stories
about their cats!
412
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:44,960
Or so I've heard.
413
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,355
Don't worry.
414
00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:51,314
Love will find you.
415
00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:52,707
I promise.
416
00:16:52,707 --> 00:16:54,404
What do you know?
417
00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:57,146
You're still carrying a torch
for my degenerate brother.
418
00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:01,759
[Sighing]
419
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,850
We're good to go.
420
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:08,288
Tomorrow morning.
I'll keep you posted.
421
00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,378
There he is.
422
00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:12,814
There's my saviour.
423
00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:13,858
Still feeling it?
424
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:15,077
You know it, pal.
425
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,079
So what did the blood test say?
426
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,646
Good news, amigo.
427
00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:19,995
Yeah, of course it is.
428
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:22,041
Yeah, we're a perfect match.
429
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,391
He says genetically we could've
been separated at birth.
430
00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:25,827
[Sighing]
431
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,264
You're not having
second thoughts, are you?
432
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:30,179
No, I'm just--
433
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,051
I'm feeling a little feverish,
that's all.
434
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,922
Check him.
435
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:36,707
NED:
Hey, it's okay.
436
00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:39,493
It's probably just nerves.
Or the DTs. Don't sweat it.
437
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:41,103
In a couple of days
you'll be riding high
438
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:42,452
on some primo painkillers.
439
00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:43,975
Plus think of all the hero sex
440
00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:46,021
you're gonna score.
Am I right?
441
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:47,327
[Breathless] Yeah.
442
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:50,852
Oh, here's the address
for the donor clinic.
443
00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:51,983
They want us there
at 5:00am for prep.
444
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:54,986
See you tomorrow.
445
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:59,034
[Sighing]
446
00:17:59,034 --> 00:18:01,080
NED:
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
447
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:06,128
[Groaning]
448
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,087
[Collapsing]
449
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,184
Hmm.
450
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:20,186
Hmm.
451
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,150
Oh, fuck.
452
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:29,934
Nice beaver.
453
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,936
What?
454
00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:33,547
Oh.
455
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:35,070
Thank you.
456
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:36,506
Nice cock.
457
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:39,814
This is an armadillo.
458
00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:43,078
Oh, right.
459
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:13,674
Easy.
460
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:17,199
Okay, just follow the light.
461
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,463
Good.
462
00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:22,944
Any other symptoms
you can tell me about?
463
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:27,601
Um, light-headed,
tired, nauseous.
464
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,690
Oh, and I've got this
wicked sore on my balls.
465
00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:36,523
Uh, I'm not a urologist
or anything,
466
00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:38,177
but I'm pretty sure
you've got syphilis.
467
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:41,441
Can I still donate a kidney?
468
00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:44,748
I wouldn't donate spit until
you've got that cleaned up.
469
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:48,012
Scotch! Make it a double!
470
00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:49,536
SONYA:
Sure thing, Fitz.
471
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:50,537
You want anything, doc?
472
00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:52,582
I'm good.
473
00:19:58,066 --> 00:20:00,373
[Sighing]
474
00:20:11,427 --> 00:20:13,124
Let me help you
475
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:16,302
with your magnificently
deceased water dweller.
476
00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:19,957
Oh, well--
477
00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:22,699
[Sighing]
478
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:35,408
♪
479
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:52,120
I got it.
Thank you.
480
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,122
My pleasure.
481
00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:05,786
Oh, darling.
482
00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:13,402
♪
483
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:15,317
Richard?
484
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,624
It's Larry.
485
00:21:17,624 --> 00:21:21,192
Uh, I've been thinking
about what you said,
486
00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:26,067
and I am afraid that
if you change,
487
00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:28,417
I will cease to exist.
488
00:21:30,941 --> 00:21:33,379
But I won't let my self
preservation stand in the way
489
00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:36,773
of your emotional journey
any longer.
490
00:21:36,773 --> 00:21:41,256
If you donate your kidney
and I disappear,
491
00:21:41,256 --> 00:21:43,954
it will be worth it
492
00:21:43,954 --> 00:21:47,131
because it means that you've
truly, truly changed.
493
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,311
Richard, I'm here to
take you to the clinic.
494
00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:55,314
Richard?
495
00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:59,666
Oh, God.
496
00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:04,410
[Groaning]
497
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:07,064
That'll put hair
on your balls.
498
00:22:07,064 --> 00:22:08,936
How are your balls, anyways?
499
00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:11,068
Is that where the
STD shows up first?
500
00:22:11,068 --> 00:22:12,505
Oh, remind me to
tell you about Enrique,
501
00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:14,202
this bag man
that I met in Peru.
502
00:22:14,202 --> 00:22:15,812
He had the clap so bad
that his balls--
503
00:22:15,812 --> 00:22:17,161
Hey, hey!
504
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:18,598
Shut it, cock hole!
505
00:22:18,598 --> 00:22:20,121
My bad.
506
00:22:20,121 --> 00:22:21,775
Zip it and lock it,
put it in my pocket.
507
00:22:23,124 --> 00:22:24,560
I don't believe this.
508
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,824
One cream soda for the
sexually frustrated lamp stand.
509
00:22:27,824 --> 00:22:30,392
LARRY:
Richard, it's 3:45
in the morning.
510
00:22:30,392 --> 00:22:34,004
Yeah, you have surgery in
one hour, or did you forget?
511
00:22:34,004 --> 00:22:35,049
Didn't forget.
512
00:22:35,049 --> 00:22:36,224
It's not happening.
513
00:22:36,224 --> 00:22:38,357
I should've known.
514
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,707
You are incapable
of helping others.
515
00:22:40,707 --> 00:22:42,622
But not this time, okay?
516
00:22:42,622 --> 00:22:44,232
You made a commitment
to donate your kidney,
517
00:22:44,232 --> 00:22:46,016
and whether your altruism
was real or not,
518
00:22:46,016 --> 00:22:48,628
Ned needs that organ to survive.
519
00:22:48,628 --> 00:22:50,020
Ned doesn't want
my organ.
520
00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:52,327
Not after a bottle
of Kentucky's finest.
521
00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:53,676
[Giggling]
522
00:22:53,676 --> 00:22:55,112
He'd be pissed.
523
00:22:55,112 --> 00:22:57,419
[Laughing]
524
00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:59,073
You know what,
I should've known
525
00:22:59,073 --> 00:23:00,379
that you'd didn't
have it in you.
526
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,424
Why don't you get lost,
you sanctimonious prick?
527
00:23:02,424 --> 00:23:04,165
You fucking prick.
528
00:23:04,165 --> 00:23:06,559
I won't because I can't.
529
00:23:06,559 --> 00:23:08,865
Someone needs to give
Ned Lutz a kidney.
530
00:23:08,865 --> 00:23:10,737
He will not die
because of your selfishness.
531
00:23:12,173 --> 00:23:13,174
Be my guest.
532
00:23:13,174 --> 00:23:14,784
Save it.
533
00:23:14,784 --> 00:23:16,569
I already made arrangements
to fill in for you,
534
00:23:16,569 --> 00:23:17,918
and you know why?
535
00:23:17,918 --> 00:23:19,789
Because as much as I did not
want to admit it,
536
00:23:19,789 --> 00:23:22,444
I knew that deep down
you are incapable
537
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:25,316
of even one act
of true kindness.
538
00:23:27,841 --> 00:23:30,452
You ought to be ashamed of
yourself, Richard Fitzpatrick.
539
00:23:30,452 --> 00:23:32,454
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
540
00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:36,240
[Josh laughing]
541
00:23:38,025 --> 00:23:40,506
[Glass smashing]
542
00:23:48,992 --> 00:23:50,037
How do you think
Larry's doing?
543
00:23:50,037 --> 00:23:51,081
Oh, who gives a fuck.
544
00:23:51,081 --> 00:23:52,779
Hey, you've got
to admit, though,
545
00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:55,042
giving up his kidney because
you couldn't: that's friendship.
546
00:23:55,042 --> 00:23:55,999
No, that's grandstanding.
547
00:23:55,999 --> 00:23:57,697
This is friendship.
548
00:23:57,697 --> 00:23:59,176
Fitz, don't even.
549
00:23:59,176 --> 00:24:00,613
The only time that you call me
550
00:24:00,613 --> 00:24:02,702
is when you want to have
a good time or dump a body,
551
00:24:02,702 --> 00:24:03,964
and I'm cool with that.
552
00:24:03,964 --> 00:24:07,489
But Larry? I mean,
he gets you out of shit
553
00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:09,143
even when you don't
know you're in it.
554
00:24:09,143 --> 00:24:11,972
Okay, he is not my friend
555
00:24:11,972 --> 00:24:13,887
and he sure as hell
isn't my conscience.
556
00:24:13,887 --> 00:24:15,105
He's not your conscience.
557
00:24:15,105 --> 00:24:16,585
He's your soulmate.
558
00:24:16,585 --> 00:24:18,544
Soulmate--
559
00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:19,545
What are you on, crack?
560
00:24:19,545 --> 00:24:21,024
Not any more.
561
00:24:21,024 --> 00:24:22,809
Nice charity work.
562
00:24:22,809 --> 00:24:25,202
Like you give a shit
if that guy lives or dies.
563
00:24:25,202 --> 00:24:26,377
I don't care
about him.
564
00:24:26,377 --> 00:24:28,031
I care about this place.
565
00:24:28,031 --> 00:24:30,120
You look bad,
my dealership looks bad.
566
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,513
It's covered, old man.
567
00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:33,210
Saint Larry's offering up
his kidney right now.
568
00:24:33,210 --> 00:24:34,777
If I play my cards right,
569
00:24:34,777 --> 00:24:37,127
maybe I can finally get rid
of him one organ at a time.
570
00:24:37,127 --> 00:24:39,086
How are you going to
do that, putz?
571
00:24:39,086 --> 00:24:41,392
He hasn't even had a blood test.
572
00:24:41,392 --> 00:24:43,003
You can't just call up
at the last minute
573
00:24:43,003 --> 00:24:44,352
and offer up a kidney.
574
00:24:44,352 --> 00:24:45,788
You're even stupider than he is.
575
00:24:45,788 --> 00:24:47,398
Ken's right.
576
00:24:47,398 --> 00:24:49,792
I mean, for all they know,
he's got syphilis too.
577
00:24:49,792 --> 00:24:53,404
So how come they couldn't tell
that I had it--
578
00:24:53,404 --> 00:24:55,015
Fuck.
579
00:24:55,015 --> 00:24:57,147
You couldn't smell a scam
580
00:24:57,147 --> 00:25:00,107
if it was rammed up your ass
and made out of cheese.
581
00:25:00,107 --> 00:25:01,195
JOSH:
That's just--
582
00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:02,196
That's just disgusting.
583
00:25:02,196 --> 00:25:03,676
Fuck.
584
00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:05,155
JOSH:
Well, it looks like you
got your wish, Fitzy.
585
00:25:05,155 --> 00:25:06,156
Bye bye, Larry.
586
00:25:06,156 --> 00:25:08,463
Huh?
587
00:25:11,074 --> 00:25:12,249
Where are you going?
588
00:25:14,077 --> 00:25:16,166
Where are you going?!
589
00:25:16,166 --> 00:25:26,220
♪
590
00:25:38,319 --> 00:25:43,150
[Whimpering]
591
00:25:51,854 --> 00:25:54,553
[Whimpering]
592
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:56,990
Ned took my kidney, Richard,
593
00:25:56,990 --> 00:25:59,122
and that nurse; very mean.
594
00:26:01,298 --> 00:26:04,127
I need an ambulance,
1486 Miller Grove.
595
00:26:04,127 --> 00:26:05,607
It's not even for him.
596
00:26:05,607 --> 00:26:08,044
You know, he's going to sell it
on the black market.
597
00:26:08,044 --> 00:26:10,656
I know. They never did
a blood test on me.
598
00:26:10,656 --> 00:26:11,961
They would have found out
I've got syphilis.
599
00:26:11,961 --> 00:26:14,268
Richard, no.
600
00:26:14,268 --> 00:26:17,576
You need to notify your recent
sexual partners right away.
601
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:18,968
Full disclosure.
602
00:26:18,968 --> 00:26:21,449
Shut the fuck up and think
about yourself for once.
603
00:26:21,449 --> 00:26:22,798
You just lost a kidney.
604
00:26:22,798 --> 00:26:24,191
Be a little selfish.
605
00:26:24,191 --> 00:26:25,671
I don't mind, Richard.
606
00:26:25,671 --> 00:26:27,498
Because of this,
I got to witness
607
00:26:27,498 --> 00:26:30,197
the greatest act
of altruism of all.
608
00:26:30,197 --> 00:26:31,894
You came for me, partner.
609
00:26:31,894 --> 00:26:34,462
Don't read too much into this.
610
00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:40,076
I love you, Richard.
611
00:26:40,076 --> 00:26:41,425
Oh, come on, man.
612
00:26:41,425 --> 00:26:42,775
This is a new suit. Fuck.
613
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:51,087
[Groaning]
614
00:26:51,087 --> 00:26:53,437
Beautiful man.
615
00:26:53,437 --> 00:26:55,439
You two--
616
00:26:55,439 --> 00:26:57,964
We should probably
get out of here.
617
00:26:57,964 --> 00:27:08,104
♪
42610
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