All language subtitles for Call Me Fitz (2010) S01E08 (1080p AMZN WEB-DL H265 SDR DDP 5.1 English - HONE)_track4_[eng]

♪

FITZ: Richard Fitzpatrick, lone wolf,

always on the hunt,
ready for action,

free to go where he wants,
when he wants.

Hey, what the hell, man?

You won't need that anymore.

Where I go, my porn goes.

Hello, gentlemen.

Fuck!

But, like in the wild,

there's always some predator
ready to trap us.

You're late, darling.

I'm allergic.

Ah.

Right here.

Of course, there'll be rules.

You'll make our bed,
pick up after yourself.

I don't like mess.

And I don't like
total bitchiness.

Ah, he bites.

Let her try to tame me.

I'm still a wolf,
just one in sheep's clothing.

And up here,
up here is the bedroom.

Come on.

So, technically, still a wolf,

able to bust my way
out of any trap,

free to go where I want,
when I want.

Oh, fuck.

♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'd find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I'd have won
by a mile ♪

♪ Without you

♪ Oh, life would be
so grand ♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

♪ Without you

Fitz, rise and shine, hubby.

I made you breakfast.

So, should we talk about
last night,

you sleeping on the couch.

No.

Well, we've been married for two
days and have yet to consummate.

Yeah, I'm not much of
a soup guy.

Don't get cute with me, mister.

Sex is just not something
you should ever rush into.

Besides, you were a vegetable
the whole time we were dating.

Think of this as the
getting-to-know-you interlude.

So, tonight then?

But there's still so much
to catch up on,

like what's your
favourite food--

Lychee, Ringo, Aquarius,
doggy style,

yes to toys, no to animals,
ice cream and a sense of humour.

So, now you know me
and my lifestyle,

so let's do this thing.

That's a good start.
But still, so much to learn.

And I can't wait.
We'll cuddle and do facials.

You can tell me about
your childhood.

But I'm late for work.
I got to go.

And so it begins.

[Knocking]

Mr. Fitz, I've got some more
junk for you to sign.

Mr. Fitz?

I told you last time, sir,
no more mouth-to-mouth practice.

- Ah!
- Ah!

What the hell?

Can't a man take a nap
in his own office

without being stabbed?

I thought you were dead.

What do you want?

I need you to sign these.

Day in, day out,
the same goddamn thing.

Sign this, sign that.

I'm an old fucking man.
I'm exhausted.

Maybe you should
take some time off.

And do what?

I don't know.

I have been reading a lot
of self-help books lately.

Self-help books
are for quitters.

Umm, sure, but they all ask
the very important question:

"If you died tomorrow,

what would be
your biggest regret?"

Probably that
I just fucking died.

Maybe you should make a list,

all the things that you wanted
to do before you, you know...

I could even help you
with the tricky ones.

Don't kid yourself. They're all
going to be fucking tricky.

[Chuckling]

Goddammit! How come
when I online search

for how to write an affidavit
rendering you innocent

of attempted
vehicular manslaughter

on the woman you married,
it still comes back as porn?

- I heard that one's hot.
- Really?

Richard,
what are you doing here?

Shirley Temple for the lady.

You are a married man now, okay?

And sitting around
in a bar all day

getting drunk
and watching pornography

may be spousal duty in
some countries, like Iceland--

Hey, I can find beauty in
any woman, and I mean any woman,

just not my own wife.

Somebody else's wife, definitely.

I just, I can't jinx my cock to
a lifetime of monogamy.

So, your saying is,

you're not registered for
any gifts anywhere at all?

For the last time, it's not
a real fucking marriage.

I'm doing it for spousal
privilege. Why do you think

we've been working on
this affidavit all day?

Say it, don't spray it, man.

You haven't proven to be

the most trustworthy husband
thus far, have you?

And what makes you think that
she's going to agree to release

the only legal tether
she has to you?

You don't know how I operate,
do you?

I make that woman
weak in the knees

and it's not just
her osteoporosis.

I can get her to sign
whatever I want.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And what if you can't?

Wife or jail,
which do you prefer?

Mexico.

Coma marriage or not, you need
to make that woman happy.

You might not want to hear it,
Richard, but I insist

you head home right now and you
make things work with your wife.

Otherwise, you won't be
entering Mexico but Mexicans

will be entering you,
south of the border, mister.

You'll have to excuse the mess.
It's been a bit hectic

ever since Justin's dad left and
no one told me you were coming.

That's the purpose of a surprise
inspection Mrs. Schneider--

Ms. Fitzpatrick.
And I still don't understand

why you're here.
Did Saul send you?

There have been
several red flags

regarding Justin's care
in recent weeks.

His teacher reported a lunch

consisting solely of
a jar of martini olives.

He loves garnish.

His karate instructor notes
an excessive use of profanity.

Limiting his vocabulary
is a form of censorship.

The police found him at
a bachelor party.

That was his uncle's fault.

I could go on.

Oh, could you? But you're
just getting here now.

Maybe you're the negligent one.

We're watching you,
Ms. Fitzpatrick.

We expect to see
a marked improvement

in Justin's upbringing.

Or what? You're going to
have me fixed?

Take away my right
to have children? Is that it?

Your ex-husband
is perfectly willing

to assume full custody, ma'am.

Richard, really,
we need to get going.

Okay, in a minute.

Hey, cum stain,
I'm making up a list

of things I've always wanted
to do before I die.

What's the name of that thing
I always wanted to try?

We'll need a little more
information than that.

You know, the fucking thing.

You know, with the
"doo-whack-a-pivy."

Uhh, Russian roulette.

That's it.

What's Little Orphan Awful
doing?

Well, sir, it's time for Richard
to get home to his wife.

You're not telling me

you actually went through
with that farce?

To say out of prison,
I'd do anything.

Maybe if you went for prison,
I'd have some respect for you.

But now, you got to hide behind
a piece of leathery gas

because you're to cheap to pay
the piper for your own actions.

Mr. Fitzpatrick, please.
I'm trying to

impress upon Richard
how rewarding a marriage can be.

Reward? Only if she dies,
then only if she's loaded.

Otherwise, you're just like

one of the other suckers
around here,

walking around
with your nuts in a vice.

Let's go.

Why would you ever agree
to marry a scumbag

like Richard Fitzpatrick
in the first place?

You know he only did it
after he did

some half-assed research
into spousal privilege.

Oh, I think someone's
a little upset

because she hasn't landed
a man of her own yet.

Little hint, dear,
men don't like uptight.

I have just busted my ass
trying to get this guy for you.

And now I've got him,
so mission accomplished.

Why do you have to make
everything into a battle?

Hey, I beat Dad.

So, he's your reward?

Well, I think you know he is.

It's funny how we have
similar taste in men.

You know, I really hoped
that when you woke up,

things would be
different with us.

Allie, darling daughter, life is
not a maxi pad commercial.

Ugh, this tea tastes like ass.

It's ginseng, a Chinese tonic
used to improve mental clarity

which is currently clouded
by alcohol, so drink up.

No. If I have to service my wife
to stay out of prison,

I'm doing it the old-fashioned
way: loaded.

Look, Richard,
I knew you would find

this whole husband thing distasteful,

so I researched
some coping mechanisms

to help you get through
the initial rough patch.

"Operant conditioning: when you
undergo something challenging--"

Like banging my wife.

"Give yourself positive reinforcement

to get through it."

Yeah, like, umm,
a happy memory,

or something good
that you can associate

with the unpleasant act,
making it more pleasurable

so you want to do it
again and again and again.

Keep the car running.

Happy memory!

Is that what it was?

[Doorbell ringing]

Well, well, if it isn't
my stepdaughter?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm not getting dragged

any deeper into your
warped little psycho drama.

I'm out of here.

Well, you're still coming home
for Christmas, right?

It would mean so much
to your mother.

You're late.

Yeah, there was, umm,
some trouble at the office.

And you don't think I can
smell scotch on your breath?

You know, this isn't
my first rodeo, young man.

And I think we both know
what this marriage is all about.

You don't want to go to prison.

I don't intend to lock you up,
unless it's to my radiator.

But I'm not going to absolve you
of this accident

without a little,
umm, compensation.

I wouldn't dream of it.

And if you play
your cards right,

I might even help you
with your Summer Wind Lounge.

How do you know about that?

Oh, well, I had locked-in
syndrome, waking coma,

when you poured
your heart out to me.

I was conscious for every word.

Fuck me.

No, you are fucking me.

See, I'm a woman of
a certain age,

with certain consistent needs
now. Is that too much to ask?

Break it down for me.

- Seven times a week.
- Twice.

Four times with co-showers.

I got 15 minutes right now.

Done.

♪

This isn't really what I had
in mind, Mr. Fitz.

I was thinking
more like skydiving

or going to see the pyramids.

Yeah, right, like some kind of
geriatric fruitcake.

You said you'd help me with the
list, so let's get this done.

Hey, if you miss,
can I have the apple

and five minutes alone
with the body?

Josh!

Get in line.

Okay, now, hold steady.

Steady...

Sex with your wife is still
sex with a woman.

It's just the same woman,

day in and day out
for the rest of your life.

Ah, come on, buddy,
it's either this

or be the Aryan Brotherhood's
spank bank

for the next five to ten.
Is that what you want? Huh?

Oh, come on, man, you owe me.

Ah.

Oh yeah, oh yeah,
that's the spirit.

Oh, don't stop. I like watching.

Happy memory, happy memory.

Happy memory, happy memory.

I like it hard, I like it fast
and I like it real deep.

Happy memory.

I like to be called Mr. Pants.

Giddy up, Mr. Pants.

[Passionate moaning]

Why, Mr. Pants!

[Knocking]

[Doorbell ringing]

Yeah?

Oh, wow, Richard, you didn't
show up for work today.

Are you okay?

Yeah, what did I tell you?
I know exactly what I'm doing.

Oh, so Mrs. Devin is,
uhh, happy?

Oh, I'll say she's happy.

Oh, good.

She's been "Fitzed,"
several times, I might add.

Oh, Christ, what do you want,
details too, you pervert?

You want to see some photos?
I got some right in there?

What? Oh, no! No, of course not.

And?

Do you need a ride to work?

No, just cover for me, will you?

Oh, okay. I'll let you and your
lovely wife get back to

sitting in the glow
of wedded bliss.

Martinis, Ocean's Eleven
original recipe and oral?

Oh, you're spoiling me.

- Did you make our bed?
- No.

- You defied me.
- Yeah.

That's what I love about you,
Fitzy, the fighting, friction.

I am so turned on right now.

Oh yeah.

Oh, you have been
a bad, bad boy.

Yes, I have.

And you deserve a spanking.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, come here.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Do you like that, Mr. Pants?

No, no.

Oh! I'll be a good little Fitzy
from now on.

Oh! I promise!

Oh! Oh yeah!

Where is that
cauterized haemorrhoid?

Uhh, are you talking about
Richard, sir?

Who else would I call
a cauterized haemorrhoid?

Everyone?

Just answer
the fucking question.

Well, he's at home
with his wife,

a little conjugal time
for the happy newlyweds.

What's he doing? Licking cream
off her liver spots?

Shoving suppository meds
up her crack?

No, he's doing what he has to do

in order to make his marriage
work: become an honest man.

Honest? Him? I'd have a better
chance of licking my own balls.

Sonya, I just thought of
something else for the list.

[Phone ringing]

Hello.

Richard, just checking in.
How's the happy couple?

Still happy? Still a couple?

What do you think, dork?

I don't know what to think.

Can you hurry this up?

We're having waffles,
with whipped cream.

Mr. Pants,
do you want strawberries?

What did she just say? Strawberries.

Yeah, make it two, two.

No, the other thing,
"Mr. Pants."

That's what your mother called
you when you were a child.

Would you just butt out
and let me stick to the plan?

I know what I'm doing.

I'm not sure what's going on
there, Richard,

but whatever it is,
perhaps we should discuss

the emotional implications
of regressing?

Oh, I should have known better

than to meddle in
a situation like this.

I'm your conscience,
not your heart.

Mr. Pants?

Got to go.
You know I hate soggy waffles.

I need a favour.

I'm sorry, Meghan, I have to
run. Can we do this later?

Social services is on my ass
because Justin had

a few sips of beer
at the bachelor party

you organized for Richard
and now I'm a bad parent.

I need a character reference.

Yes, of course, anything.

I'll do it later,
but right now, I have to go.

I already wrote one up.
All you have to do is sign.

Uhh, "Meghan is not only
an awesome mom

"who lets Justin do all the cool
stuff other parents won't.

She's also a total 'milf'."

What's a 'milf'?
Is that Spanish for something?

Don't be ridiculous. It's French
for "Mother I'd like to fuck."

Oh. Mother.

Fucker. Oh dear God!

You forgot to sign it!

Daddy!

This is very serious, Ms. Devin.

Richard hasn't shown up for work
and he's licking whipped cream

from the teat of a woman's
wanton sexual obsessions.

So it's his typical Thursday.

He's having a psychotic break,
a relapse to a child-like state

and is using your mother
as a stand-in

for the maternal love
that he never got.

A grown man with the needs
of a five-year-old?

Who knows what he'll do?

Well, it certainly
can't be worse

than anything he's already done.

Look, I know you blame Richard
for your mother's accident,

and for the myriad of other
things he may have done,

but I also know that you may be

the only one
he truly cares about.

Even though he's sleeping
with my mother.

He is an enigma, wrapped in
an expensive Italian suit.

Okay, okay, it's a knock-off.
I'll give you that.

But, please, just--

You may be his only hope.

Thanks for lunch.

Huh?

Have you ever had a connection
with someone so deep

that you couldn't explain it?

They're the complete opposite of
you and they drive you insane,

but no matter what they do,

your feelings for them
always win out?

You really believe there's
something in him worth saving.

I wouldn't be here otherwise.
And I think that, deep down,

when it comes to family,
you do too.

No, not really.

Wait, please, please.
Don't make me go there alone.

Dude, nice job.
Those begonias rock.

Ah, my stitches are uneven.
But I don't give a flying fuck.

Five minutes with my dead body?
Nice.

Sorry.

I can help with the list.

There.

Done.

That's the last thing.

No. There's one more.

Let's go.

Don't worry about it.
I'll take it from here.

Mr. Pants wants a spanking.

And what did he do this time?

Umm, he left the toilet seat up.

Bad, bad Mr. Pants.

Yes!

Ooh. I was just thinking about
a spanking like we did before.

You know? Over your knee?

No, we're taking it up a notch,
Mr. Pants.

Oof!

You're getting ten
extra spankings

for this attitude, young man.

Oh!

[Passionate moaning]

Oh my God!

You were trying to breastfeed,
you little jerk!

You don't want to be my fuck
slave. You want me to be your--

Mom!

Ah!

Wait, Babs, Babs, it's just
a game, like you like.

Oh, God, what do you want now?

We are to put an end
to this farce.

Don't you see?

You're plan to gain your freedom
has been derailed

by your disturbingly
inappropriate Oedipal urges.

Richard, Babs is not your mommy
and you are not a child.

Yeah, I know that, dumb-ass.

And now there's no way she's
going to sign that affidavit.

And you know what? Your urge
to regress is so strong,

I don't even know
if you want her to sign it.

Give it to me.

Huh?

Give it to me.

Here it is. Get out of my life.
If I wanted to be a mother,

I'd still give a rat's ass
about "cankles" here.

Oh, nice, Mom, typically,

you just blame everyone else
for the mess that you made.

I was an excellent mother.
Your father was the screw-up,

always coddling you,
pampering you, spoiling you.

Yeah, it's called parenting.

It's what you do after
you get yourself pregnant.

Well, you always took his side.

Oh, this is good. Clear the air,
no more secrets.

But getting back to Richard,
I was--

You were never around.

You always did what you wanted
to do, including my boyfriends.

Yeah, you're a great mom,

stole every guy I ever liked,
even my prom date.

Ah, poor little Allie never
gets what she wants, huh?

Really?

Him? I don't want him.

Really?

Oh, don't lie to me,
you ungrateful douche bag.

Go to hell,
you crazy cougar bitch.

All she's ever done
is try to protect you

and this is the thanks she gets?

Richard, perhaps we should leave
now that Mrs. Devin

has been kind enough to release
you from a lifetime behind bars.

I'd prefer prison
to spending another minute

with this face-sucking
toilet sack.

What do you want?

I'll just help gather
his things.

Whatever.

Just leave, okay?

Us siblings got to
stick together.

But you're my stepdad.

My dad calls me
a douche bag too.

This letter is quite colourful,
but insufficient.

I'm going to have to recommend
that, for the time being,

Justin live with his father.

What are you talking about?

I did all the stupid crap
you told me to.

This isn't about impressing me,
Ms. Fitzpatrick.

This is about providing
the proper environment

for your son to grow up in.

All right, fine.
You want to hear it?

I don't know how to be a mother
because I never had a mother.

It's the same reason I drink,
can't jack off, date jerks,

have an unhealthy obsession
with romantic comedies.

And it's the same reason I need
you out of my house right now

before I fulfill
the family fucking prophecy

and whack your ass all the way
back to community college

with the rest of
the snot-nosed do-gooders

who have no idea what it
was like growing up a Fitz.

♪

"What, I'm supposed to be proud,
just 'cause you graduated?

Get a freebie from a hooker,
then I'll be proud."

You graduating high school?

Ouch!

I have a sense of humour too.

Well, wonders never cease.

I don't want to kiss you.

I don't want to kiss you either.

Douche bag.

Right back at you.

♪

♪ So blue

♪ Sick too

♪ Just from crying for you

♪ Never ever

♪ Have me on your mind

♪ Dreaming

♪ Scheming

♪ Just to have and hold you

♪ Trouble, trouble

Oh, this is truly fantastic.

You're having an honest
emotional reaction.

You know, I think
you had to regress first.

You had to purge that mommy pain
and transcend it

so you can get to a place where
you can follow your heart

and move on and--

Oh, motherfucker!

For once, I had to agree
with the bastard.

Most of that porn
was irreplaceable.

♪