Original subtitles

♪

There are many obstacles a man faces

on the long road to salvation.

Life is a struggle.

And for the longest time,

it was one I thought I would endure on my own.

And then, bam, you appeared.

I never realized how empty my life was until I met you:

the debauchery--

the philandering.

But you never judged me.

And I know we've never really talked,

but it feels like you've known me forever.

I'm not proud of my past.

But I also know that who I was

is what brought me here to this moment.

And I'm not going to let a little thing

like locked-in syndrome stand in the way of our love.

So, Babs Devin,

I'm just a guy,

standing in front of a largely comatose woman,

asking her to marry me.

[Beeping]

Is that a "Yes"?

[Beeping]

Do you even know what I'm saying?

[Beeping]

Is that a "Yes, you'll marry me"

or a "Yes, you know what I'm saying?"

[Beeping]

I'll just take that as a "Yes."

♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'd find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I'd have won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you

♪ Oh, life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

♪ Without you

♪

Oh, hello, frownie.

What are you doing here? Trying to unplug her?

Well, if you must know, I came by to apologize to your mother.

We had a very nice heart-to-beep conversation.

Apologize? You?

Well, unlike some members of the Devin family,

your mother has the capacity for forgiveness.

You actually expect me to believe you?

As your mother might say, "Beep beep."

You came to the right service department, bro.

Those guys over at Bob's Lube World

can't plan a wedding for shit.

You've planned a wedding before?

Well, I organized security for a sheik's public deflowering

of his 100th virgin, same diff.

How many people are you planning on inviting?

No invites, no one else. Just a license, a minister

and a couple witnesses. We got to move fast on this.

If Babs' hot, frigid daughter finds out what I'm up to,

there won't be a wedding.

"Hot, frigid daughter."

Now, what about the bachelor party?

10 Texas mickeys, is that enough?

I spent a night in a Texas prison in '06.

I think it's enough.

Richard, how did things go with Ms. Devin?

Fine.

All-Asian stripper theme:

that should lend a certain charm.

That's it? Just fine? Was it one beep or two?

"Mexican strippers."

Did she at least agree - not to testify? - No.

- She's not going to testify? - You don't want any strippers?

Both of you, shut the fuck up.

Josh, listen: Thai strippers, Cuban cigars,

French ticklers, Filipino bud, Texas mickeys.

Larry, fuck off.

You're planning a bachelor party.

Shit.

Richard, you're not even--

Larry, I hate to admit it but you've taught me

to look beyond the superficial.

Sometimes, you find love in the most unexpected places.

I'm marrying Babs Devin and...

I want you to be my best man.

Him?

Richard, this is wrong.

How am I supposed to believe you're telling the truth?

About love? About actually caring for that poor woman?

Believe it, Larry. You've changed me.

Richard, you have no idea how much this means to me.

First order of best man business.

Matching tuxedoes.

The bachelor party.

I never had a decent birthday as a kid

and Christmas always sucked ass. Do you know why I didn't care?

Because Fitzpatricks always save it

for the bachelor parties, and wakes.

This isn't just a list.

It's the ingredients for my perfect night.

Don't fuck this up.

Never.

Oh, Josh, there's a customer waiting

to test drive the Cavalier but it only has three wheels.

Well, I have a customer that's waiting to test drive your face.

MAN ON TV: After Hitler's declaration of war,

German forces invade and occupy the--

You're home early.

You seen my birth certificate?

Why?

I'm getting hitched.

Excuse me?

I sit here alone, day in and day out with my bikini waxed

and the sincere desire to love and you--

Relax, it's a scam. It turns out if Babs Devin is my wife,

a little thing called "Spousal privilege" kicks in.

Anal?

No, she can't testify against me in court, something to do with

the sanctity of marriage or some shit.

God, it's always win-win with you.

Even barely-conscious women want to bang you.

I can't even get a date.

Well, why don't you just--

No, no. I won't--

because--

just won't cut it.

I'm a very needy person.

I need to be held. I need to be made love to.

Okay, I didn't grow a vagina in the last five minutes,

so I'm just going to cut this conversation short.

What are you guys talking about?

Video games.

Video games where people masturbate?

They make those?

What the fuck are you doing?

Have you even started looking for somebody

to officiate the ceremony?

Why don't you get Larry to it? He's your best man, isn't he?

He has to be. If he finds out why I'm really getting married,

he'll put the kibosh on it.

"You can't marry the comatose woman whose life

you recklessly endangered just to stay out of prison."

That was pretty good.

Yeah, not nearly as good as this shit I got

from the best dealer in town.

I gave you that stuff.

Yeah, like I said, the best dealer in town.

I don't want to go to prison, Josh.

I know what you're trying to do. Nope.

Okay, just one little hit.

This shit's good.

Did you light this or did I?

Listen, Josh, I got a really important job for you.

I need you to find me a minister, ASAP.

Okay.

Best man update: bachelor party starts at 7:00.

Now, look sharp but don't wear anything

you don't want to roll around on the floor in

because things are going to get messy.

You made Larry your best man?

♪

Babs and I have known each other for a good time

but not a long time, if you know what I'm saying.

Well, I only got to know Babs after she fell into the coma.

No, I'm not implying

that I fucked her while she was in the coma.

Oh, come on, like it's worse than what you guys do.

Hello? Father Grey?

It's not true, is it?

No, it's not.

Oh, I should have known Josh was messing with me,

telling me that you were getting married.

Oh, that. Yeah, that's true.

You just said that it wasn't.

Well, that's when I had no idea what you were talking about.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to know a minister or a rabbi maybe?

What? Hey, you're the one

that wanted to keep it all professional.

Fuck you, dickface.

♪

[Horn honking]

♪

You look like a girl who could use a drink.

You smell like a girl who's had a few already.

I need some girl talk. You want booze or not?

Damn straight.

Let's hit this.

Oh, here's one.

www.ordainedinaninstant.com.

Oh, no wait, I have to be 18.

Damn it! How am I supposed to relax

and enjoy my bachelor party

when I don't have a minister for my wedding?

What's a bachelor party?

Justin, a bachelor party

is the most magical night in a man's life.

It's like an amusement park, a live sex show

and a condemned man's last meal all rolled into one.

You get to taste and touch and love longer and harder

and faster than you ever have before.

Wow.

Oh, the stories I shouldn't tell you.

One of the best ones ever:

we prison tattooed a penis onto the groom's forehead.

Oh, his wife was so pissed. It was fantastic.

Boy, I can't wait to flush my life down the toilet

if it means I get to have a bachelor party.

Yeah. You got a suit?

Yup.

Giddy-up.

All right, one more time: what are the rules?

No trying, no whining, you can touch if you pay.

You got that right.

All right, this party's going to be old school, classy, martinis,

Sinatra, just got to have Fitz in the mix and ring-a-ding-ding.

Surprise!

What the--

Fuck!

Slushy?

I want my strippers, Larry.

Uhh, well, you said you wanted your dream party

and you never had a birthday party as a child, so voila!

Birthday party? This could be my last night as a free man

and you give me a fucking kids party?

- Josh? - What?

Strippers, ecstasy, Sinatra, stat.

And?

You're the best man now.

And?

And what, Josh?

And I knew that Larry wouldn't buy your story

for getting married.

Oh, fuck, Josh.

What do you mean?

Oh, uhh...

I'll get started on the strippers.

The classic car salesman scam, huh?

Shine up the grill so I wouldn't notice the rusted-out brakes?

You never intended to try to make it work with Babs at all!

Hey, well, it doesn't matter know.

I can't find a minister to marry us so I'm screwed.

And I get to spend my last hurrah as a free man with you.

Hurrah!

[Balloon popping]

You were smart to phone me.

I added some fail-safes to prevent tampering.

I know how important it is

to maintain the integrity of this communication system

since it will be used for official testimony.

[Beeping]

Yeah, it's working fine.

Maybe he was telling the truth.

Who you calling?

My man on the inside.

[Phone ringing]

Don't tell her about the bachelor party,

don't tell her about the bachelor party,

don't tell her about the bachelor party.

Hey, Fitz is marrying Babs Devin. Fuck.

I should have known better.

He wasn't here to apologize to her. God, I'm such a fool.

He's a master in female manipulation.

All he leaves in his wake are shattered lives.

No way in hell is he marrying my mother, not an option.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to find some way to stall him

so I get her moved to a private facility tomorrow morning.

Let's break his legs.

I know six ways to make it look like it was an accident.

I got a better idea.

No last-minute strippers, man, unless you want a pregnant one.

They're more expensive.

It costs the same as a duo because of the--

Screw this. I got to find a priest.

How'd you get in here? Private function.

I said I was family.

So, why the big celebration? Is it someone's birthday?

It's my retarded co-worker's idea of a bachelor party.

Bachelor party? Well, who's about to die?

If you must know, me.

Well, then let me get you a drink.

You're being awful nice for a woman

who wouldn't piss on my corpse a couple days ago.

It's amazing how much an apology to my mom will get you.

Come on, we're getting dry.

Unfortunately, the bar is closed.

Where there's a will...

There's a way.

Fitz doesn't drink alone.

[Laughing]

Oh, fucking men.

Yeah, selfish shit.

I mean, how heartless can somebody be?

To just use you like that and then just toss you aside?

You know, I always pegged you as the dumb blonde.

But you're actually a conscientious brunette

who recognizes the needs of others.

And you could use a touch-up.

You know what? You're so much better without my brother.

The night before my wedding,

he tattooed a penis on Saul's forehead. That's mean.

Why didn't we do this sooner?

I know, right? You're awesome.

You're awesome.

[Laughing]

Oh, party's over.

Oh, no, no, no. The party is never over, sister.

I always wanted a sister.

Me too.

Oh!

Do sisters always hug this long?

[Gasping]

I've got a great idea.

"Thanks for nothing, Larry!

I'll just do whatever I want, marry a vegetable."

Have some of this punch.

It's cold but it makes my belly warm.

Oh, it's delicious.

So, come on, tell me about her.

Who is the woman who swept you off your feet?

Nothing much to tell.

Discretion. Oh, it must be true love.

To monogamy.

To hell with that.

Come fly with me, baby.

Oh, how about one more drink first?

No, first we dance, then we drink.

[Laughing]

♪ Can I steal a little love?

What the hell kind of bachelor party is this?

I think we can still find some fun.

Thank you.

There are three things I do better

than any man you'll ever meet.

One is sell cars. Two is dance.

And as for three, you'll have to use your imagination.

♪ Can I steal a little love?

♪ Please tell me why are you driving me crazy ♪

♪ Why do I dig you like I do?

So, this is her plan?

♪ You can prove that it's wrong ♪

♪ Hey, give it back to you

I want to report some underage drinking at the DUI.

Thank you.

♪ I won't even need a shove

♪ Can I steal a little love?

Selling cars is nothing to brag about.

Selling cars is a means to an end.

I want to open my own place,

a real sexy rat pack kind of place.

You have a dream?

You have no idea.

Is this the way you roll?

First guy that gives you a slushy, you ditch your friend?

- No. - Slut!

Hi, Mom.

Oh, shit. Is that my kid? Oh, I hope he's not tattooed.

Nice parenting.

You want to take this outside?

Bring it, red.

Now, about that third thing.

Use your imagination.

Oh, I have, and we were fabulous together.

♪ Why do I dig you like I do?

♪ If I steal a little kiss, you can prove that it's wrong ♪

Josh, my man.

Strippers!

Woo! Ladies...

Oh, let's go.

Okay, that's it, come on.

Oh, god. Ow!

Ugh!

♪

Officer, there's obviously been some misunderstanding.

Yeah, yours.

You amaze me.

What?

Trying to get me to sleep with you

after you've already tricked my mother into marrying you.

In my defence, I am pretty drunk.

Now you can nurse your hangover behind bars

instead of at the altar.

You did this, didn't you?

No, this is what they call serendipity.

See, I just wanted to get you drunk enough

that you wouldn't marry my mother,

but now you're going to rot behind bars

while I move her to a private facility

and you're never going to see her again.

You thought you could hide behind spousal privilege.

Who brought you here?

What, entrapment now?

She did.

Wait, what?

Take her downtown too.

You got to be kidding me.

Didn't see that coming.

Come on, Cara. Fitz is the enemy.

Let me go. Come on, you've got the wrong girl.

Wait, why are you taking me?

We should do this again sometime. That was fun.

[Vomiting]

You know what? You're really ungrateful.

Now's not the time to grow a spine, Larry.

No, no, it's my turn to speak.

Okay, you think it's easy being your conscience?

Well, it's not, mister, because you're a very bad man.

Do you ever stop to think that if you're my conscience,

and you're sitting over there,

there's no more conscience left up here.

All the bad things I do, it's kind of your fault.

Why don't you listen to me once in a while, huh?

Just talk to me, include me, maybe then you'd be happy.

Or at least not charged with

attempted vehicular manslaughter.

[Vomiting]

For God's sakes, Larry,

haven't you ever been sick before?

At least throw your tie over your shoulder

so you don't get spaggle on it.

[Vomiting]

Thank you. That was a very considerate piece of advice.

Yeah.

Richard, if I can get you out of here,

get you to the hospital and married to Babs Devin,

make this whole car accident thing go away,

do you promise me that you will listen to me from now on?

Even if you could get us out of here,

where are we going to find a minister in time?

I'm a minister.

Oh yeah? Would you perform a wedding ceremony for us?

Get me out of here, I'll let you shit on my chest.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Oh, what you do, Fitz? Bribe him?

Oh, don't be so crass.

Larry gave the guy a sweet deal on a Cavalier.

Still think selling cars is nothing to brag about?

Say goodbye to daddy.

I want my fucking phone call!

Sounds like someone's begging for a tasering.

Ugh!

Ow.

[Vomiting]

Larry, what the fuck did you drink?

I don't know but it was delicious.

DRIVER: Get out of my backseat! Do it now!

I'm so sorry.

Oh my God. Are you okay?

Take my hand.

♪

Fuck! I don't have a ring.

Maybe that hot nurse I used to bang

will lend me her wedding ring.

Richard, you banged a married woman?

Not now, Larry.

Wait.

I got a ring!

Larry, you really are my best man.

Here.

Thank you.

Marriage is the most sacred bond. And like all knots,

it only works when it is cinched tightly.

To bind together two people, we use the rings,

symbolic handcuffs, if you will.

Yeah, can we, uhh, cut to the chase?

And yeah, I do, I do.

And do you, Mrs. Devin,

take this master to be your lawfully wedded husband?

[Heart monitor beeping]

Stop the wedding!

[Panting]

[Vomiting]

[Panting]

I do.

Oh my God, they're married.

♪