Original subtitles

♪

FITZ: Fitzpatricks are not a sentimental people.

Looking good!

Tradition, surprises, fuck that!

I've never given a crap about birthdays,

and I'm sure as shit not going to change up my routine now.

Oh, yeah!

And I don't appreciate anyone else changing it either.

Richard, we're just about ready to go--

Oh, dear God!

Oh, fuck, don't you knock?

How could you? On such a special day?

It's the old man's birthday!

It's not a fucking moon landing!

Okay, Richard, from now on,

we're celebrating milestones with meaning, huh?

And gifts!

Last chance to get in on the present!

Not if my fucking life depended on it!

I'll take that as a maybe.

Mr. Fitzpatrick, I need to see you in--

Oh, my God!

Don't you knock?

[Laughing]

We wanted to do something a little extra special

for the big 63, Mr. F.

So get ready for cake, champagne and presents!

[Party favours blowing]

This should be good.

Um, happy birthday.

Did you get him anything?

No.

Wait, why, did you?

What, me?

No!

Not really!

Ha, ha, ha!

You got that right, sweet cheeks!

Come here.

Oh! [Squealing]

So, we done here?

We're having fun!

Now we know how stressful it is

to manage us all the time, right?

Always being the top dog, so--

And since we can't add years to your life,

we're adding life to your--

to your years!

Total Life Spa.

It's whole day of pampering.

They give you mud baths, and massages and even facials.

And you know what the best part is?

I'm coming with!

Oh, what a crock!

What?

You don't think I deserve it?

Thanks, douchebag.

You too, Larry.

Oh, uh, speech!

Speech, speech! [Clapping]

Look, I never saw the point of all this birthday nonsense.

But today, I realized it's a great way

to measure how people worship your ass.

Ha!

Your turn, stupid.

What did my one and only son get me and my honour?

Oh, come on!

You know Megan had nothing to do with that!

That fruity gift is all Larry!

Jealous!

Nothing, figures.

Of course I got you something.

It's just, uh, it's not here yet.

But it's one of a kind.

It's amazing!

It's way better than some dumb-ass spa experience!

Spa your face, asshole!

Where's my fucking bubbly?

Uh!

None for him.

[Party favours blowing]

♪ Without you

♪ I'd find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I'd have won by a mile

♪ Without you

♪ Oh, life could be so grand

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

Show's over, scram.

Don't you see what's happening here?

This emotion, this frisson of beautiful anguish.

It's the--

Hey!

Oh, I don't think my arm is supposed to bend that way!

First you interrupt my morning jizz,

then you show me up in front of the old man?

Richard, you're acting out because you're feeling guilty.

Okay, you want your father's approval,

but you don't know how to get it.

And that makes you mad, and that makes you angry!

Ugh, and violent, and I don't think--

I can't breathe right now!

Ugh!

You crazy fuck!

Now I've got to waste a fortune on that old bastard!

No, Richard, you don't have to spend a fortune at all.

You know, the best gifts are often homemade.

Just something to remind Ken of all the beautiful moments

you've shared as father and son.

The only thing that sick fuck and I

ever had in common was porn.

And cars, but mostly porn.

Ah.

Wait a minute.

That's not a bad idea.

Who's the one person in this world

that the old man loves more than anyone else?

Oh, I think Ken loves you as much as Megan but--

No, no, I'm talking about stripper

and former porn actress Candy Box!

She never fails to get him off,

and at his age that's saying something.

Uh, Richard?

You're not going to buy your father a night of sex?

No, he's far too lazy and selfish

to spend a night in Candy's actual box.

I'm talking about making him a custom porno starring Candy,

and featuring all of his favourite shit.

It's the gift that keeps on coming!

Uh, that's not what I had in mind!

No, no, that's the opposite of what I had in mind.

Ring-a-ding-ding, baby!

Ring-a-ding-ding!

Mmm!

Yeah.

All right, we'll shoot it here

when Megan takes the old man for his gay spa day.

Make it a surprise.

Hey, can I shoot it?

My C.O. said that my recon footage in Kabul made him cry.

It was either that, or the exploding livestock.

He was a vegetarian--

I've got a great idea for the opening.

Candy comes in,

and asks the young stud to rotate her tires.

But what she really means is her boobs.

Nice, 'cause they're both round,

I get it.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, now over there,

I'm seeing pictures of baseball stars.

Clemens, Jeter, but no one really black,

'cause that's way too threatening.

And Ken shares the birthdays

of Captain Kangaroo and Helen Keller.

Let's get photos of them too.

Nice, that's hot.

Yeah, and a car.

A car that Ken would really like,

like that '74 Corvette.

That's where the actual boning'll take place.

You know, dude.

That's going to be fucking beautiful, man.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

[Camera clicking]

Interloper!

Caught red-handed.

Who's your operator?

Tell us, come on!

Are you working for Richard Fitzpatrick?

I would never work

for that lowlife murdering snake!

What do you mean, murdering?

He got away with attempted murder,

and I'm going to make him pay.

Babs Devin may be just one lone victim

of the patriarchal system,

but through her I will strike a blow

against phallocentric injustice everywhere!

Is the enemy of our enemy our enemy,

or is the enemy of our enemy our friend,

and our enemy's enemy?

- Hmm? - Come again?

It's more poetic in original Pashto.

You're pathetic.

NO, listen to me.

We are hard-working,

success-oriented car dealers, huh?

Who happen to share your dislike

for the one who calls himself "The Fitz."

Let us tag-team you, and defeat him as a three-way!

Even as I said this, I knew it was wrong.

He must be stopped, huh?

All this tampering with the merchandise.

Yeah, truly.

Who sells a car for $69?

No can do.

I already have a guy on the inside.

So, eat me.

Mmm!

Richard, we need to discuss

this pornographic film you are proposing.

Get lost, numb-nuts.

Even if you convince Miss Box to do your film,

Richard, I read the script, and frankly,

I've got some problems with it.

Okay, it's crude, misogynistic,

and the story makes no sense.

I mean, who calls a plumber

and then doesn't have the money to pay for his services?

Okay, look, you're the one who convinced me to do something

to show the old man that I care, okay?

And like it or not, in Fitz-speak,

nothing says "I love you" like homemade porn.

Well, I can't deny you're putting

an awful lot of thought into this.

I was up all night writing and working on my shot list.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Well, it is something Ken might like.

Oh, yeah!

And my intentions are good, and that's all that counts.

[Sound of cougar roaring]

Oh, yeah!

God!

Richard Fitzpatrick?

Call me Fitz.

Business before pleasure.

If I had a dime for every time I heard that.

Yeah, here you go, as discussed.

Where'd you get that?

Let's just say your horse came in,

which is a good thing 'cause I sold your car.

You did what?

So, we making a movie?

Action!

Hells yeah.

So, Dick Fitz is a great porn name.

We ever worked together before, honey?

Oh, I'm sure I would have remembered that!

Who are you?

Oh, uh, I'm Larry, Miss Box.

And may I just say, I loved your work

in The Curious Case of Benjamin's Butthole

and Mighty Dicks 6.

You saw those?

Well, you did, so technically I saw them too.

You see, Richard and I

have a very complicated relationship.

I'm sort of here to help him--

By leaving!

Get out of here, Larry!

If you leave right now,

I'll make you an assistant producer.

I am an investor!

Fine, associate producer!

Now get the fuck out of here!

Nice to meet you, Miss Box!

I look forward to working with you!

You're very pretty!

Mr. Associate Producer.

Good evening, Mr. Associate Producer!

I'll show you to your seat now!

[Phone ringing]

Oh, fuck!

Find me a co-star yet?

See, I've been thinking, Fitzy.

I mean, is this all really legal?

You know, after hours, non-union, animals and shit?

Since when do you give a shit about legal?

Sorry I'm late!

First day of pre-production, so exciting!

This is going to be the best erotic vanity film ever!

Can I get a what-what?

Ball shot!

These just arrived.

Normally, I would be offended,

but a real woman owns her sexuality

and doesn't judge the erotic tastes of others.

But that one is gross.

Oh, would you put that in my office?

You got it.

Gentlemen!

Right over here is where the real action

is going to take place.

Candy will be waxing the yellow '74 Corvette.

She'll do a little Marilyn Monroe.

"Happy birthday, Mr. President," and then--

Yes!

I read the script last night, and I made a couple of tweaks.

For the Love of Ken?

Yes!

What the fuck is this?

What, you don't like it?

It's supposed to be called Trans-fuckers!

Like that car movie?

Yeah, with the robots.

Yeah, that was funny!

With their--

Yeah, okay, there were a couple of robots in it.

No, no, I just thought--

No one cares what you think, Larry!

Now get the fuck out of here before you curse my set

with your total unfuckability!

[Wild animals calling]

This is so relaxing.

Isn't this relaxing, Dad?

I think it's incredibly relaxing.

I haven't been this relaxed in, I don't even know, years?

I can just feel the toxins that have been building up

since Saul left oozing away.

You know, Daddy, you could never do anything

like this with Richard.

This is a special moment between you and me!

[Laughing]

Okay, you can, uh, do me now.

Do me now! [Laughing]

When do I get my happy ending?

No, no, no, no!

What the hell is this?

Huh?

Where's my yellow Corvette?

Is it too much to ask, really?

A man has a vision of a yellow Corvette.

He's promised a yellow Corvette!

And Goddamn it, I want my yellow Corvette!

Larry said it didn't really matter what kind of car we used.

You said this?

Well, it's just a car, Richard.

An inanimate object.

What's important is that you're learning

to express your feelings for your father,

focusing on the human--

What's important is that my gift

blows Megan's gift out of the water!

Candy's here!

Oh, finally, a professional.

[Scoffing sound]

Miss Fox--

Hey, hey, come back here and get your toy!

I am not your maid!

Sorry I'm late.

Midget wrangler go AWOL?

Now, the wench who waxes my hoo-ha

is a crazy perfectionist

and she didn't have time to finish,

so you're only going to be able to shoot me

from the left side.

Huh.

[Spitting]

All right, let's shoot this thang!

[Giggling]

[Sighing]

Sorry about this shit box.

It was supposed to be a Corvette.

Yeah, there was a bit of a mix-up, I admit.

But I think that this colour

brings out the flecks of gold in your eyes.

Trust me, boys.

Once I get busy,

ain't nobody going to be worrying about my eyes.

Where's my wood?

Here you go!

Good time!

Oh, man, really?

Ah, I've done worse.

This one movie I shot in Mexico,

it was called Stuff My Taco,

only the guy's frijoles pintos

couldn't even fill a taquito,

if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, ha, ha!

No, not really.

Oh, a taquito's like a little chimichanga kind of thing?

Man, I could go for an enchilada right now.

Yeah, could we get going here?

I've got a bit of a time crunch.

Yeah, okay, you're right, you're right.

Look, Richard, we don't want to sacrifice quality

by rushing things here, okay?

Because this present could be your last chance

to earn your father's respect.

How about I turn my fist into a 5-fingered present

and start gifting you in the face?

I mean, I'm sure he'll be impressed

no matter how expensive and fabulous

the spa day with Megan proves to be.

Oh, fuck me!

Candy, you almost ready?

Yeah, just got to shake out the girls.

Okay, good to go?

Ahh, fuck!

My back! Fuck!

Oh, God!

Can someone get me some ice?

On it!

Candy, uh, I don't mean to press,

but as they say in the industry, we are going limp here.

Richard, Miss Box is injured, okay?

And the health of our cast and crew

is far more important than any film!

Oh, so now it's just a film?

What happened to last chance to earn the old man's respect?

You know what, if you give me 5 minutes on my back,

then I'll be ready for 5 hours on my back.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't.

[Phone ringing]

Hey, what'd I say about cell phones on the set?

Hello?

Outside, now!

Fuck!

Hey, where you going?

We got to shoot this puppy!

Oh, no, darlings, no!

It's just an expression, like can't get wood or pink sock.

Oh, pink sock is where your rectum prolapses

from repeatedly blasted--

Oh, look, kids, here's the ice!

Thanks, doll.

You think maybe we could start with a scene

where I'm sitting down?

Kids, go get Mommy her muscle relaxants from her purse!

And a beer!

Okay!

Hot, right?

You can't be here!

Oh, really?

I know what you're doing in there.

You're shooting porn!

You disgust me with your sexual exploitation of women,

and I need you to put me in that movie!

You are underage, so no, no, no!

That's the whole point.

If I'm in the movie,

then Fitz becomes a child pornographer,

and Cara, the junior survivalist,

gets her man and her gets-her-man badge!

Well, I am no narc!

So deal with it.

I tell the cops you kissed me,

and you'll be the one going up-river.

So, who's it going to be, Josh?

You, or Fitz?

You know, you can't blackmail me, not if I do this.

Oh, no!

What happened to your precious incriminating evidence?

Oh, what do you think of this? Or that?

What happens if I did that a little bit?

Or maybe if I did a little bit of this.

[Singing]

That was your phone.

Oh, fuck!

You know what?

You still can't come in!

[Snapping fingers]

Going to get a new phone!

You ever thought about going pro?

5 or 10 thousand dollars worth of plastic surgery

and you'd be a natural!

Oh, uh, thank you,

but um, all those different partners, I don't know.

Honey, I had the same co-star for years.

Closest thing I ever had to love.

Hairy mother-fucker!

Places!

Think about it.

Let's go, people, come on!

Richard, we really need to discuss--

Trans-fuckers,

directed by Richard Fitzpatrick.

Cameraman, Joshua McTaggert.

Take 1, scene 1, shot 1.

And--

Action!

Oh, God!

Get over here!

You sexy mother-fucker!

Oh!

[Cracking] Ahh!

Oh, my back!

Cut it!

No, it's fine, it's fine.

I'm a professional, okay?

I went into labour with that one,

and still managed to gang-bang a whole IT department

on IT Department Gang-bang 4.

Going again.

All right, well, let's try it again!

Uh, places, everybody, back to one.

Trans-fuckers, Richard Fitzpatrick director--

Oh, fuck, hurry up, okay!

Okay, we're doing the slate!

Jesus, action!

No, I'm supposed to fucking say, "Action!"

Well then, say "Action!"

All right, here we go, and action!

Oh, baby!

Oh, you are so hot!

Oh, baby!

Yeah, baby.

Check out my master cylinder.

Oh!

Oh, fuck!

My fucking contact lens!

Oh, my God!

It got me right in the eye!

Cutting.

[Kids giggling]

Oh, these damn implants.

They get my spine twisted up like a pretzel.

Yeah.

The things I do to keep these kids in Montessori.

Hmm.

Call me, I owe you guys another go-around.

Okay, dear.

Okay, boys, up, up and away!

Bye, guys, see you later!

Bye, whoo!

You know, it might not be too late

to write Ken a nice birthday poem?

Here's a poem.

Roses are red, Larry, fuck off!

That doesn't even rhyme.

I could have just dropped you off at home.

It would have given us more time to listen to that new Enya CD.

It's very relaxing!

Where--

Daddy!

You forgot your body butter!

All right, shut it down!

What are you, deaf?

That's a wrap!

Show's over, we're done here!

Done?

Done with what, dickwad?

Oh, uh, it was supposed to be a surprise, Sir.

Richard was making a present for your birthday.

What, another fucking ashtray?

No, Sir, not another ashtray.

It's a pornographic film!

That's right, it was actually very sweet.

He even hired your fantasy sweetheart.

Candy Box?

How the hell old is she now?

34, you moron.

So, what?

In stripper years, that's like 105.

I haven't cranked the bats to her in years.

Yeah well, the shoot's not happening.

Our star blew her back out

before she could blow anything else.

Happy fucking birthday!

Oh, wait!

[Laughing]

You're such a quitter.

One setback, and you bail.

You can't make porn without vagina.

Oh, I have a vagina!

I could do it.

Hi, there.

Uh, or me?

Ha, there you go.

Hey!

Sonya, no.

You would do that?

Yes, uh, as long as it's with Fitz.

No, nuh-uh, you're a bunch of sick fuckers.

There's no way that I'm starring

in a birthday-present spank movie for my old man!

You got that right!

I don't want to watch it.

I want to sell it!

Money, now there's a fucking birthday present.

Ugh!

I'm not so sure this is a good idea.

I mean, Candy Box was a trained professional.

This was just another day at the office for her--

Oh!

Hey, it's just sex.

It's not like we haven't had sex in public before, right babe?

Guilty as charged.

How do I look?

Smoking.

Vulnerable.

Hey, making this video for Ken

was your idea in the first place.

Now be my conscience and help me!

How?

I don't know, go fluff something.

Just get out of here!

You sure you're okay with this?

I mean, I don't need another lawsuit.

Of course I'm sure.

We care about each other, and I want to help.

You ready?

Yeah, yeah, I just need a minute.

Fuck.

Richard!

Just a minute.

Okay.

Uh, I bet it's just a case of nerves.

You know, it's um--

You know what?

Let's help Richard out, okay?

He doesn't have to be the only one

whose epidermis is showing, right?

Richard, come on, buddy, I'm here for you!

No need to be self-conscious, fist bump!

All right, roll camera.

Okay, rolling.

Okay, okay.

Still, still rolling.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Okay, time.

What are you--

What's wrong?

Did I do something wrong?

The man needs a moment!

Come on, little buddy.

Get your head in the game.

Richard, you're having a moment.

Fuck off, Larry.

I see what's happening here.

Okay, there is a part of you that does not want to do this.

Yeah, my dick.

Richard, you are no less of a man

because you cannot bring yourself to exploit Sonya.

Oh I can bring myself to exploit Sonya just fine!

[Crashing]

In fact, it makes you even more of a man,

and this is more of a gift to Ken

than any old pornographic film!

Richard, you are an empath!

Fuck you, I am not!

Oh, hey, hey!

[Shouting]

I'm protecting you, Richard!

We're finally working together!

So you won't fool around on camera with me,

but it's okay with him!

You're ruining my porno!

You're ruining your own porno!

Get out of my life!

I can't get out of your life until you're whole again!

Damn it, we're one!

We're like two reflections in a mirror!

We're two pieces of a coin.

[Laughing]

[Screaming]

300,000 hits?

This thing could have made some real coin,

and that shit stain puts it online for free.

What you watching there, sweetie?

Uncle Larry and Uncle Richard fighting.

What else is new?

They're not wearing any pants.

Fuck, argh!

I must admit, these production values are really top-notch.

Hmm, cousin, I have to agree.

[Shouting on-screen]

A wise man once said,

give love and you'll get love in return.

I think it was Jesus, but it might have been Sting!

You're a dead man, Larry, a dead man!

We're going down together!

♪