Original subtitles

FITZ: A car is like a woman.

At first, you can't live without her.

But inevitably, the ship breaks down.

[Whistling]

Nice ride!

This baby has it all!

Stock 500 cubic-inch, 8.2 litre V8,

3-speed automatic transmission.

Wheels!

How much you selling it for?

3 G's.

Dude, you're practically giving it away!

Can I have it?

3's all it deserves.

Menthols, pantyhose, vinegar.

I knew I smelled a geriatric whore.

What the fuck is your mother's sled doing in my garage?

Take it easy, old man.

It's as good as gone.

It better be.

I don't want anything around here that reminds me

of that antique sperm thermos.

[Laughing]

It's bad enough I have to look at you every day.

You wanted her because she was new, pristine.

But then, there's that first dent.

The mystery scratch.

And one day, you realize

you don't get that rush of excitement

when you slide into her and go for a ride.

And when she gets so beat up

you can't even keep her on the road anymore,

time to dump her on the market.

Well, I must admit I'm a little concerned

with all the, uh, Oedipal imagery

you painted in that metaphor.

Oh, shut the fuck up!

Look, Richard, I know the trip to Mom's

didn't go as well as we'd hoped,

but did you have to steal her car?

Come on, get it all out of your system.

Tell me how I'm regressing when I should be evolving,

that stealing Elaine's car was classic bad-child behaviour.

Looking to get any attention, even negative attention.

Well, those are excellent points, and you're right.

I probably would say those things.

Probably?

If I wasn't so terrified about what she's going to do

when she finds out we have her car!

Richard, this is Mom we're dealing with here.

You know how angry she gets.

Yes, I do!

Because she's my mother, not yours.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a customer.

Only one way this car could get any sexier.

Me behind the wheel!

Phil Bouvier.

Richard Fitzpatrick, call me Fitz.

Want to go for a ride?

Why should you be stuck with her?

Ow!

Let her be somebody else's problem.

Get on with your life, and in time,

you'll forget she ever existed.

All right, you botched abortion.

Where's my mother-fucking car?

♪ Without you

♪ I'd find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I'd have won by a mile

♪ Without you

♪ Oh, life could be so grand

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

All right, Elaine, don't shit a shitter.

You're here about those divorce papers, aren't you?

It's been 25 years, and you still can't spell!

I know how happy you'd be if I signed those papers.

The one thing in the world I hate most

is making you happy.

I still have your death to look forward to.

But right now, I'd just like to get my fuckin' car back.

I've got no idea what you're talking about.

That's what I said!

You know how I know when you're lying?

Your lips are moving.

Well...

Well?

Okay!

Okay, it's gone.

Okay, Richard already sold it.

I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen.

I'm so sorry!

This is your dead hooker.

You clean it up!

I want my car.

And if I say go fuck yourself?

I'm going to go to the police.

Yeah, I call bullshit.

You wouldn't be here if you could go to the police.

You sure you want to make this bet with me?

House always wins, Mom!

And you're in my house now.

Richard!

You are skating on thin ice as it is.

Okay, how do you think it would look if your own mother

pressed grand-theft auto charges against you?

He put a woman in a coma, accidentally of course.

Thanks, Larry!

Anything else you want to tell her?

Oh, uh, yes.

I like your outfit!

[Sighing]

24 hours!

That's it.

Yes, ma'am.

Look Richard,

I would travel to the ends of the earth to assist you--

You'll do shit and like it!

But we need to find that car for her,

and we need to get that woman out of your life

before she does any more damage

to your wounded and possibly irreparable psyche.

Richard, please do not leave me here with her.

Mother of God!

Saul, when are you going to take out this trash?

Damn it, Saul!

Would you get off the computer and answer me please?

Dad's gone to his new apartment.

Sweetie, don't make up stories.

Your daddy sleeps here, on the couch!

Sometimes, mommies and daddies grow apart.

And when they do, they have to make some difficult decisions.

Oh, my God!

He really left this time?

Don't worry, Mom.

It's not your fault.

Are you saying it's your fault?

What I'm saying is you and Dad will always love me.

Promise?

Even broken homes can be happy homes, Mom.

[Crying]

Ahh!

Here's the sales contract.

Your mom seems nice.

Elaine's only capable of two emotions.

Anger and smoking.

I heard that a man's relationship with his mother

defines the kind of husband he'll make.

Who said that?

Your mother, just now.

What else did she say?

That you'll fire me when I turn 30.

Don't you see what she's doing?

She's mixing up lies and the truth

so you don't know what to believe.

Just ignore her.

Which ones are the lies?

Good fucking question.

Hello, DUI?

What?

I can't believe the fucker snowed us, man.

Why would he give us a fake telephone number,

and then pay full sticker?

I just--

I feel so used!

Hey, that looks just like him.

What are the odds?

Hey, fuckers!

I need to talk to you about that car.

Ah, I knew that price was too good to be true.

So you come down here to tap me for an extra couple grand.

Is that your game?

I just want to buy the car back.

No can do.

I don't think you understand. I need that car!

I tell you what?

I'll play you for it.

You win, I sell you back the car.

I win, you owe me $500.

But I got to warn you, I've been practicing.

Nice!

Fine, I've been practicing too.

Wow, you're good.

Too bad we're not playing darts.

But you just said--

You challenged me, so I get to pick the game.

Staring contest.

You can't be serious!

Yeah, you're getting an unfair advantage.

I'm very handsome.

You sure about this, man?

He is pretty hot.

You're on!

Okay, ready?

And primed!

[Gunshot]

I know you're in here.

Oh, uh--

Oh, here it is!

Listen, I know you're somebody

who has his finger on the pulse around here.

And I need some answers.

Me?

No, no, not at all!

Actually, I'm usually the last person to know what's going on,

which is why I'm having such a difficult time

dealing with your son's

psychological, uh, imperfections.

[Crying]

Why does everybody hate me?

Why? Why?

[Crying]

Uh, well maybe,

and I'm just positing a theory here,

but maybe it's because you abandoned them

over 20 years ago,

leaving two small children and a borderline sociopath

to fend for themselves.

I mean, what can I say?

I wasn't cut out for it.

I just--

I did it for their own good.

I thought they'd be stronger without me, especially Richard!

I mean, he hung on me like a retarded fungus.

Uh, well, have you ever told him that?

You know, that you did

what you thought was best for him at the time.

Are you kidding?

You think he'd listen to a word I had to say to him?

Elaine, underneath the sarcasm and chronic alcohol abuse

and shallow self-interest,

Richard is really a kind and forgiving man.

And you know what?

Maybe, maybe now that you're here,

there's hope to repair that damaged mother-and-son bond!

[Laughing]

Just work with me here, okay?

Okay.

♪

Da-da-da!

Fuck!

Ha! Pay up, son!

Pay the man.

I'm still interested in that car.

Well, actually, I haven't been completely honest with you.

Really?

The truth is, I already flipped it.

You just bought it this morning.

What can I say?

I'm fickle.

Who'd you sell it to?

I'll play you for that information, double or nothing!

No!

You're on!

[Gunshot]

I fucked your mom!

What?

Ugh!

Ha, ha! Pay up, fucker!

I got to go to the bank machine.

I need a drink.

Wine, baguette,

plus I got a brie in my pocket.

Literally!

I didn't expect this to be a lunch meeting.

Lunch meeting?

Oh, Chester, you didn't think we were--

What, no, we're peers.

Couple former co-workers getting together to talk about law.

And yeah, fun!

What's up?

We found the steering wheel from my mother's accident.

Evidence that she wasn't driving that car.

Richard Fitzpatrick was.

We?

I've been working with a private investigator.

To falsify evidence for a case

which I've already told you doesn't have legs?

Just a guess.

Chester!

Richard Fitzpatrick almost killed my mother!

Is this about your mother?

Or about the fact that you have a thing for criminals?

I do--

I do not have a thing for criminals.

2005, People vs. Packle Kesselbaum?

You were supposed to put him away,

but instead you let him put his thing in your--

I'll be lunching alone.

Oh, Chester!

Shit!

Scotch!

Tequila!

What the hell are you doing here?

Larry invited me, dickwad!

What crawled up your ass and died?

You know what, don't answer that.

Just go deal with it at somebody else's watering hole.

[Slamming glasses]

Fuck you.

Larry found out Saul left me and he told me to meet him here.

He said he had just the thing to turn my frown upside-down.

Saul left you?

Two days ago!

Maybe if you weren't so selfish, you'd have noticed.

I'm selfish?

You haven't slept with the guy in six months.

He wouldn't paint the garage!

You're both selfish little shits.

Why the fuck did Larry call this meeting?

It's not the end of the month!

Larry called you too?

What the hell's going on?

The Fitz family, together again!

Scotch!

Bourbon.

Tequila!

Vodka.

Don't fill up on booze, you guys!

2-for-1 wings today, he's bringing it!

[Slurping]

Ahh!

Mmm.

So Richard, any luck today with finding Mom's car?

Yeah, about that--

How about you just tell her you failed,

like you fail everything else?

We can do this!

He's going to find it.

Why this sudden confidence in this waste of skin?

Alcohol gives me hope.

Ha, ha, another round!

I hear that milquetoast husband of yours

went out and got a spine and bolted?

Saul and I are taking a break.

Want some advice?

Not particularly.

Well, get on out there and nail as many guys as you can

before you're 45, because trust me,

it'll get a whole lot harder from there on out.

Right, I should be like you.

Just dump my kid, go have fun.

You know, when you look back over your life, Megan,

you won't remember the men that you've been with.

But you will remember the ones that got away.

I get it.

This is the TV movie moment

where you reveal that you had to make a hard choice

between your family and your heart,

and you chose your heart,

and you've regretted it ever since.

And you can tearfully confess that your childhood was ruined

because you didn't have a mommy.

God, I hate those movies.

Oh, I have cancer!

I lost all my hair from chemotherapy.

Please forgive me!

Only if you forgive me

for overcoming adversity with a plucky--

ALL: can-do attitude!

[Laughing]

Yeah, and then the tears and the hugs, and the love!

- Scotch! - Tequila!

Bourbon!

Vodka, please!

Hey guys, how you doing?

Oh, wings!

Uh, you need to come outside to see something.

Um, it has to do with the yel-do ar-edo.

But the steering wheel!

The fingerprints!

I practically wrapped an indictment up in a bow for you!

Cara, listen to me!

I know how harmful an obsession can be.

You're a smart girl.

And you're a smart, attractive woman.

The kind of woman that any girl would be proud to call mentor!

Okay, well there is no case, Cara.

So please, just go now.

Oh, thank goodness it's safe!

First thing tomorrow,

we're going to march on over there

and buy that car back for you.

Or we could take it back.

Richard, you can't just march onto the Ruptals' lot

and take that car.

That's stealing!

And they have security cameras.

Well, there's always the Wellington widow.

The Wellington widow?

I should have known Ken wouldn't have taught you that.

Bastard had no respect for the classics.

I know what it is!

I also know it's a 2-man con.

Oh, what, you and me?

Hello, stolen car!

Hello, ruined childhood!

Oh geez, I don't know.

You and your mother spending quality time together.

That's good, but committing a crime?

That is bad!

BOTH: Shut the fuck up, Larry!

Okay.

It's simple.

All you have to do is get Ken to sign these fake contracts

on the hood of the black Caddy

while Mom and I are on the Ruptals' lot.

I can't do that, Richard.

I'd be committing a crime.

No, you'd be distracting the Ruptals while I commit a crime.

It's an entirely different thing.

I don't know.

Trust, amigo!

Aren't you the one who's always going on

about the importance of learning to trust again?

Cadillac's in place, dude, right where you wanted it.

If you don't take this job, I'll give it to Josh.

What job?

And then he'll screw it up.

But I don't know what job it is.

And then, Elaine won't get her car back,

and everything you've worked for here,

all this family bonding bullshit unravels.

That's bullshit!

Is that what you want, Larry?

Come on, Larry!

Be a team player for once, fuck!

Mmm!

Come on, lady!

Fuck him!

Fuck Fitzpatrick!

If you want a Caddy, you come to Ruptal World!

That's right, you're under my spell!

Come on, lady!

We've got a better selection at more reasonable prices!

Come to Ruptal World!

Please!

It does not seem to be working.

Just act like we're making a deal.

Uh, buy this car!

Blah, blah, blah

So, what are you going to do with your share of the money?

Well, Mama needs a new pair of party tits.

What are you going to do with yours?

Waste it on some cheap hookers and blow, like your old man?

No.

Got a little honey somewhere?

Couple more big sales,

I'm going to open up a place of my own.

You're going to open up your own lot?

Up against your old man?

I love it!

Summer Wind cocktail lounge.

A real classy joint.

A lounge, huh?

I can actually see you pulling that off.

You got to stop by some time.

I'll show you the piece of land I've got picked out.

I just might.

They're looking over here,

so let's just shake hands like we made a deal, huh?

Sure.

Okay, make a pass at me.

Um--

That wasn't part of the plan?

Grab my ass, and do it now.

It's got to look like business for these two little genies.

Come on.

Oh!

[Laughing] Do it again!

No, no way!

Do it again, come on!

Oh!

[Gasping]

Go to hell!

Mr. Fitzpatrick?

[Crying]

Yes, cousin, yes!

You have hypnotized her!

You have the power!

I am, I am so sorry to bother you.

I've just had the worst week!

No, no, no!

It is not a bother!

My Murray just passed away!

Rectal cancer.

Oh, we are truly sorry that the excesses of Western decadence

finally overpowered your Murray's rectum.

His dying wish was to be buried in a car just like that.

It's like our Uncle Farsad.

Buried in the belly of a donkey

for being a traitor.

Trader of high-quality Gucci-like sunglasses.

Ma'am, I want to apologize.

I called the bank, and your cheque cleared.

And just to make it up to you,

I want to give you this $2000 in cash.

You don't have to spend it at Fitz,

but we'd sure appreciate it if you came back to us.

Well, I--

It's just something to think about.

I'm sure these fellas have a car too.

Overpriced, of course, but some people like that.

Come on, I don't know what to do!

Will you go away?

Okay, a man has recently died.

Show some respect, please!

Maybe I should go back with Mr. Fitzpatrick.

He's repellent, I know,

but he did just give me this cash.

And I did clear your cashier's cheque for $20,000.

No, no, no, no!

See, see, we will honour your cheque

and pay you the difference.

Listen, you'll get the car, get $10,000

and you'll get to keep Mr. Fitz's money, as well.

I don't know, that just seems dishonest.

Oh, but it is all a moot point now.

Look!

Ah, the gangly owner sold the car out from underneath you!

Your father is sealing the deal right now.

That's right, Fitz!

Now you're the one that's been god-fuckered!

Well, my Murray led me to the right people.

Come on, let's make a deal.

Please, please, let's go.

Made 5G's on a 2-grand investment.

Got Mom's car back, screwed over the Ruptals.

Who knows, if the old lady sticks around for a while,

we might make some real coin.

Trust, dimwit.

For once, your stupid advice paid off.

Are those the contracts that Ken signed?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh! [Laughing]

Now, you give this copy

to that dehydrated testicle you call your father.

Fake contracts?

No, stupid.

Those are our divorce papers.

My last tether to this family of losers!

[Laughing]

You're here for those divorce papers, aren't you?

I'd just like to get my fucking car back.

Why does everybody hate me?

What, you and me?

Why this sudden confidence in this waste of skin?

[Laughing]

Oh!

Vodka.

[Laughing]

Phil, baby, get over here!

Thanks, fuckers!

Let's get out of here.

And I really did, you know, with your mom.

Trust?

Ugh!

Fuck!

Ugh, that bitch!

Okay, be good, sweetie.

I'll see you in two sleeps.

And what do you say to Daddy's new girlfriend?

That your food is better, and her boobs are fake.

♪

♪